Codependent Part 6
TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION
2010, July 7th
11:01 AM
The next day, Wonder Woman, OL and I were back at Themyscira. I know why they brought me along, I understand that I have goddamn superpowers and I need to learn how to control them in a safe environment…
But the fact that they're up there, flying and doing laps around the island while I'm down here makes me feel like a kid brother mum said to bring along.
It made me feel useless. Like a piece of shit. More of a piece of shit than I usually feel like.
But I couldn't let that show. I'll abuse pity, because I'm an emotionally manipulative fuck-ass, but I also hate it. But not all the time. Because my brain is broken or some shit.
They're talking, I see, and a petty, envious anger begins to replace my pity-party.
OL had powers that literally did exactly what he wanted. Literally, exactly what he wanted. Me? I have the metahuman equivalent of erectile dysfunction. Barest hint of mirth flows through me before its subsumed by my petty anger.
Wonder Woman takes off, flying in a direction, followed soon by OL. Thirty seconds later, as I stew in a mood that is growing worse by the moment, a sonic boom catches me and I'm reminded that he doesn't just have powers that do the literal exact shit he wanted, but a fucking lantern ring. He could time travel, if I remember correctly, transmute matter… I realize that he looks the way he does because he wants to look like that. Maybe.
Five minutes later, as I wait at the beach, I realize they've forgotten about me. I try, hell do I try, but I can't stop tears welling in my eyes as my frustration reaches a boiling point. If I had my medication, whatever the hell it did, I wouldn't be like this. I'd be in control.
Or maybe I wouldn't. I'd still have the emotional maturity of a three year old, wouldn't I?
'We should be dead.' I think.
Hello 'we should be dead'. How are you?
I imagine a bar as the grouping of words sits at the countertop, a regular to my headspace. And then the bar vanishes because I have weak mental visualization. It was a bit like a coping mechanism, or, a habit. I'd often think those words while stressed or depressed.
'Perchance.' I think with a breath of laughter, remembering that insane 'essay.'
All too soon, however, I'm left with my thoughts. Alone. Again.
This time, it felt… different. I felt lower, but that feeling of deja vu that I knew would have convinced a less mentally sound version of myself that we could see the future came over me. Like I'd been here, multiple times.
I mean, I have, but… Not like this.
I look down at my wrist and see two, raised, horizontal lines as wide as a thumb-nail. Not everything was healed, it seemed. My condition was cured, but not my scars from when I was too stupid to know how to kill myself. I wonder if that means I still have liver and or pancreas damage.
Probably not. Again, I was too stupid to know that advil, tylenol and the meds that gave my suicidal thoughts at the time couldn't kill me. Not in the dosage I was taking, at least, so probably no organ damage.
A feeling of fatigue washes over me. God, I was tired. I had gotten what I wanted. Power and a new chance at life, and I was too incompetant to seize it.
Typical. Guess my body is younger but I'm still the same.
Maybe…
I curl up. Chin on my knees as I sit on a paradise island and let out a deep sigh.
Yay. More pity party. Joy.
'I should kill myself.'
Yep. We should.
'It'd be better. Easier.' I nod as well as I could with my knees below my chin.
Yeah, that's us. Mr. Easy Way Out. I remember our family doctor saying it was the ultimate act of cowardice, an incredibly selfish act. Years later, I wonder why he was trying to shame me out of doing it. Shame is an odd thing to force on someone with a lot of anxiety. Maybe that's why? Or maybe it was because he thought I was a kid. I was just entering high school, I think… Questions for later.
Or never, really. Can't go back home.
My eyelids droop and tears drip down my face. I sniffle, and that's some wet mucus.
'Useless. Couldn't even do the thing you're meant to do.'
I mean, yeah. Well, what was it I was meant to do?
'Not be a failure? I don't know, ask someone else.'
I frown. My thoughts were conscious now, not something I could riff off of to amuse myself anymore.
Fuck you. No, okay. Fuck this, fuck- pitying myself. This is a world of heroes. Of people who do.
So, let's 'do' it. Don't pity yourself, don't wallow in your self-pity- just-
Circles, going in circles. I shift my position, legs crossed, back straight, and hold my hands in front of me.
I took some breaths. In through my nose, out through the mouth. Or was it the other- don't think. Just do. Just do.
Cracking open an eye, I see- nothing. I try not to let the disappointment hit me hard.
'C'mon, power, work with me here.'
More nothing. But, it was a... Poignant nothing? No, a... A nothing that was deliberate. A deliberate silence, where before it was just silence. 'I don't know what you think of me.' I thought, feeling silly and slightly insane. 'But. I've been useless for all my life.' A note of more... interested silence? 'And now, I can maybe do something. Maybe help people... Maybe, be someone worth while.'
I see a light through my closed eyes and sigh. "Hey, OL, how..."
There were three motes of light sitting between my hands. Emerald in color, they were... I got the sense they were hollow, despite them being solid orbs. Slowly, the center orb 'filled' with, something. And as it did I began to understand more, connections appearing in my mind. I can comprehend things the closer they are to me- including myself. Absolute control over the parts of my body that you could control. Individual muscle groups flexing against each other, instinctive understanding on how to use myself to the best of my physical ability...
And my ability. My power, singular. It grants me three powers according to my situation... Imprecise control, but it operated on logic beyond my senses.
Lights in the distance, I look up as the orbs fade. Was it that my concentration waned? Unlikely. Wonder Woman and OL float down to me in that order.
"Figured out my power." I say before either of them speak.
Wonder Woman smiles. Her teeth are shining white and perfect. "That's excellent, David. Could you demonstrate?"
OL folded his hands across his, lap? His front, I guess.
"My power, I don't know, it's kind of like its own entity? It gives me what I need for the situation. I don't, uh, fully control it." She raises an eyebrow. Concern? "As in, I don't control what I get."
OL frowns. "Seems inconsistent."
I shrug. "Kind'a."
Wonder Woman nods, then hums. "Can you fly?"
Fear seized my heart, and she smiled warmly.
"OL will carry you this time, but I want you to start flying on your own, okay?"
Not trusting my words at the moment I only nod. My heart was fluttering and for the first time, I really did feel… lost. She had already turned away, flying upwards, but- but OL was giving me a look.
"Sh-e's, like my- mum. My mum." I mutter as I fight back tears. I took breaths, willing myself to calm down and not think about-
Anything.
OL lays a hand on my shoulder. He didn't say anything, but the gesture… I wasn't alone. His mum. His dad. His siblings if he had them, pets. Friends.
Not my life, our life.
I felt my resolve sharpen and nodded to him. It wasn't until I felt something begin to slot into my powers that I realized I'd been keeping them empty. Was that subconscious? Hope that doesn't turn into a thing. Something told me it would, though.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it at first before it began to solidify, and concepts flowed into my mind as I focused on it. Stationary, teleportation, platform. A stays next to B, geo-synchronous, relative-
Absolute positioning. Binding objects so one moves when the other does. Even better, teleportation was an application. But, why not flight?
Rolling Stones 'Can't Always Get What You Want' echoed in my head. I smiled, remembering the fanfiction I'd read where the father played it for his daughter to crush her dreams of escaping working out.
"Right. I'm ready." To not scare them, I increased my relative position to the ground below me until I was next to Wonder Woman. OL had followed, looking a bit concerned. I guess, I was quick to bounce back from his perspective…
"You said your power gives you what you need, right?"
"Yes?"
"What if it decides you don't need flight?"
I blink and tilt my head slightly. "What if you no longer want to fly?"
"Fair. Can you keep up?"
I look at Wonder Woman and bind my position to her. She didn't seem to notice. "I'm not flying, to be honest. I'm changing my relative position to what's below me. I just fixed my distance to you, Wonder Woman, so I'll be going exactly as fast as you are."
Her eyes narrow a touch, I think. Could've been the sun. "Please don't do that without my permission, David." Nope, not a trick of the light.
My neck hunched and I felt a mix of shame and fear roil in my chest. "It's- it's harmless? But- I'm sorry, very sorry, I'll ask next time, but I'm one-hundred percent sure it's harmless, and also, sorry, this isn't real flight practice, but I'd- I'd rather not do it above the ocean even with you and OL here." Wait shit I implied they're imcompetent-
"That's okay, I'm just saying in case."
I opened my mouth to apologize again when an orange hand snapped its fingers in front of my face.
"You don't need to keep apologizing, David, and no we didn't think you were calling us incompetent. Let's get going."
I nod, taking a steadying breath as Wonder Woman accelerates and oh wow the ocean is a very interesting thing to look at.
I glance to the right where Orange Lantern is flying and smirking. "Clean thoughts, chum."