Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Davos]

Cu Chulainn finds himself stunned as his master's blood drips from the priest's hands. Then he raises his spear.

"Come now, Child of Light, surely you realize striking me down now is impossible? We are on hallowed ground~." Kotomine Kirei says with lightless eyes despite his grin.

"You believe I would just serve you after this? Then you got a nasty surprise coming, priest." Cu Chulainn says with a scowl.

"You're participation in my plans is not critical, but you could be a serviceable scout."

"Scout?! I am a warrior, not a messenger bird!"

"Then allow me to show you the power of a command seal. I-"

The door to the church opens, stopping them.

"Hey, sorry for the intrusion, but I'm new to the city and a little short on money, would it be ok if I sleep on one of these benches for-" The brown haired young man in a green tracksuit stops when he sees the blood spattered priest holding an arm, lean man in blue with a red spear pointed at said priest, and a suited woman with one arm on the ground.

"…A shame you could not have arrived a few minutes later young man; there is plenty of room for you in the basement for you."

"And I thought the grinning loli wandering at night was disturbing…Talk about a crappy start to a vacation…" He says with slumped shoulders.



===A few hours earlier===

"You…want a vacation?" Eris, the white haired Goddess in charge of the after life asks.

"No, I need a vacation." Kazuma says while looking at the floor.

"C-come now Kazuma, this death wasn't that bad!" Eris says.

"It was beyond pitiful!" Kazuma shouts, the tears at his eyes threatening to overflow.

They flow freely when Eris remains silent, unable to refuse his claim.

"I-It's not like you can just leave that world. Your body-"

"About that, I have an idea."

"Huh?" Eris blinks.

"Can't you put my body on autopilot or something? Or maybe another soul can temporarily inhabit my body during this vacation?"

"That…that really shouldn't be done…" Eris says while glancing away.

'He…doesn't know about my alter ego does he?'

"Please?"

"E-even if that is possible, I don't think any set of automated functions can contend with your party!"

"And I can't right now! I'm not asking for long, not even a month! Just two weeks of peace and a reminder of home! Even 10 days!" Kazuma pleads on the ground now, making Eris scratch her cheek.

'…This death was about as traumatic as his first…and it's only two weeks…' Eris thinks with a sigh.

"Very well…there is actually a nice little port city I frequent that could do you some good. But don't expect this reprieve each time, and there is a little thing you can do for me while there."

"I won't, thank you Eris!"

===

'Can't complain she was a little low on the starting money…more then when I started in Axel. Plus I still have my abilities so I won't be in as much risk here in Fuyuki.' Kazuma thinks as he buys himself a bag of groceries for dinner and begins hunting down a spot to stay.

Only to find none.

'Smallish town I guess…Not much need for hotels.' Kazuma thinks with a frown before seeing a young girl with white hair and red eyes approach him with a puzzled face. Then she smiles.

"You shouldn't wander at night mister…you may die~." She says while passing him, and vanishing when Kazuma looks for her.

"…Great, another weird loli with red eyes…Least magic isn't a thing here." Kazuma mutters with a sigh before continuing on.

When he turns the corner he sees a stern looking middle aged man and a robed woman with bits of blue or light purple hair poking out from her hood on the ground, looking at each other as they speak.

Kazuma turns around.

'Maybe it's cosplay season?' He thinks before wandering more through the city. Eventually he finds himself in a busy section of the city. After some more wandering he approaches a red haired young man.

"Pardon me, can you tell me where there are any hotels I can stay for the night?"

"Not too many of those I'm afraid…There are some over that way but they are pricy. I think there are some cheaper options that way, but I don't know exactly where. I think the church offers sanctuary too. I'd help more but my break is about over."

"No worries, thanks a lot!"

Kazuma settles on bumming a night at the church.

'Least the Church's in Japan aren't as bad as the ones in Arcanletia!' He thinks before opening the door and asking to stay before seeing the murdering priest and about to be murderous spearman.

"…If I pretend to have amnesia about this can I leave?" Kazuma asks.

"I'm afraid that is not an option young man." Kirei says.

"Why not?"

"Long story short, mages like secrecy." Cu Chulainn says.

"Mages?"

"Yes…but there might be a way out of this for you. Repeat after me." Cu says, making Kirei look at him with a raised brow.

"You're spear makes my destiny, and my will creates your body-"

'Oh, must be a cosplay thing like with that couple. I'll just play along then talk to someone about staying the night.' Kazuma thinks before repeating everything Cu says, and feeling a burning sensation on his hand. Looking over he sees 3 strange red symbols.

"What the Hell?!"

"Bad move Lancer." A voice further in says, making Cu Chulainn shudder a moment before leaping towards Kazuma and carrying him with one hand out of the church.

"What the-?!" Kazuma sees he is dozens of feet above in the air. A minute later, he is on the ground in some woods and Cu is scratching the back of his neck as Kazuma looks around in stunned silence.

"…What was that chant about? This isn't a cosplay thing is it?"

"Afraid not lad, you're in a Holy Grail War now."

"A what?" Kazuma asks.

"Basically a… 7 way team death match? Huh, strange term…Anyway, it's between teams of Masters, that's you now, and Servants, figures from myth and history, like me, to-."

"I'm sorry but can you give me a minute?" Kazuma asks.

"Sure thing, and sorry for dragging you into this…this won't be a long situation I promise." Cu says as Kazuma goes to some nearby woods.

"ERIS!" He shouts with every fiber of his being, making Cu raise an eyebrow.

"I know it's not quite my place, but you should try to be quiet…and why are you shouting the name of a Greek Godd-"

"Hi Kazuma…"

"What the-?!"

"Do you call this a vacation? I'm in some kind of secret world team death match now! I didn't even get a hot girl as a teammate but some cool guy that seems like he would die off screen or after an awesome showing!"

"You are!? Oh no, I must have messed up the teleportation or timing, you were supposed to save that young woman without realizing…" Eris says.

"Wait, you were supposed to- wait, who is this mysterious voice? And why do I feel a massive tract of mana?" Cu Chulainn says while getting closer, now seeing the rip in the air.

"…You're not just some regular guy are you?"

"Greetings, Cu Chulainn, Ireland's Child of Light." Eris says, making Cu Chulainn straighten up.

"May I implore you to look after this young man during his stay in this city?"

"I was already planning on such a course after he saved me from being that priest's lapdog…though I cannot promise what happens after I kill that priest."

"You are not planning on attempting a wish from the Holy Grail?" Eris asks.

"A what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Not really. I just want to clash with great heroes, but more importantly, I want to kill that priest…I would have done so, but I'd rather an innocent not get killed by whoever was further in the church."

"What is this about a wish?"

"Oh, the Grail grants a wish for the victor of the war." Cu Chulainn says.

"Any wish?" Kazuma asks with a glint in his eyes.

"As far as I know."

"Then I'm in." Kazuma says.

"What? Not that I mind, but you sure you want to stay in this? You're likely to die."

"Wouldn't be the first time, and from what I gathered, I'll have a target on my back no matter what now…besides, that wish could be the answer to my own struggles." Kazuma says.

"…Not that I want to dampen your resolve since it aligns with mine, but you aren't suited to being a master; I can already feel myself straining to exist in this world due to your lack of mana."

"You use mana?"

"Yeah, it's what keeps servants around and fuels us, and our main way of getting that is from Master's own mana...there are other ways, but I'm not keen on them."

"…One moment." Kazuma says before taking out a reusable bottle.

"Create water." Kazuma casts the spell, making Cu somewhat wide eyed at seeing water appear out of thin air before being handed the drink. After a moment he takes a drink and finishes it with wide eyes.

"That…that was the most delicious water I ever had! How is it so full of mana?!"

"Something I picked up in my adventures in another world. I also have ample experience in working with a powerful blue person." Kazuma says with a gin and a thumbs up.

Cu Chulainn matches the gesture.

===

"We should probably get ourselves familiar with the area." Lancer says as they walk through a section of burnt out plain.

"I was wandering the last few hours through the city so I think I'm good there. But given the whole secret thing, we probably won't be doing much there right?"

"Yeah, we'd probably be fighting at night and in secluded areas like this. I should tell you what I can-" Cu stops when a blonde in a rain coat and a red haired young man emerge from another section of the plain.

"Careful Master." Lancer says while readying his weapon.

"Wait, I met that guy earlier." They both say back.

"Surprising…but right now he is a mage hell bent on killing you."

"…Why would a mage be working as a laborer?" Kazuma asks.

"Don't know, maybe his mage craft is expensive? Either way, this is the perfect opportunity to show you what I can do, and my ultimate technique!" Lancer says before charging the blonde in a rain coat who tosses the garment off and begins battle with Lancer, quickly answering his blows and pushing back, the clang of metal deafening.

'Strange…she looks like she is holding nothing at all…' Kazuma thinks while using his enhanced sight to study her movements. A moment later Lancer is being pushed back.

"…You're more formidable than I expected. Shame we didn't meet earlier. What class are you?"

"I'm obviously a Lancer Servant."

"Amusing…But no matter." Lancer says before taking a low stance, his crimson spear starting to glow as he lunges, well beyond any range for a thrust.

"Gae Bolg!" He shouts, and a moment later the blonde staggers to a knee despite seemingly deflecting the blow.

"Amazing! You wounded her gravely despite it being blocked!"

"No…This is not good Master…"

"How? She's bleeding and on one knee, oh she's up again."

"That…That attack reverses causality and guarantees my target gets stabbed in the heart. She should be dead, not wounded…" Lancer says.

"Then how is she still alive??"

"Luck does not favor you today Lancer!" The blonde says, now back on her feet.

"…Luck?"

"…It is possible for servants with high luck and quick reflexes to make my Gae Bolg non fatal…"

"You're telling me you have bad luck?"

"E rank unless I drink a lot of that water…"

"Oh my God, it's happening again…Next you'll tell me you're a drunkard…"

"That's just a rude stereotype of the Irish!"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that! I'm not a drunk!"

"I'm not paying your debts."

"Why would I ever-" Cu's question is cut off when the blonde attacks him, still as strong but more slowly now.

"Saber!" The red head says.

"Least we got her class…"

"But we know your servant is Cu Chulainn!" Saber says.

'Right…now that they now that they can study him for weaknesses while we don't know her name putting us in a disadvantage…'

"You say that like I cannot overpower you in your current-ugh…!" Lancer says before feeling himself grow more faint, now using his spear to keep himself up.

"Hm? I did not expect your Noble Phantasm to drain you so…Or is this a feint to lull me? But taking you out will be of a great help to us." Saber says, readying her invisible sword.

"W-wait, can't we just get them to surrender?" The red asks.

"No, mages do not simply yield Shirou." Saber says to her master as Kazuma approaches Cu Chulainn, handing him a bottle.

"I'll distract her a moment, so fuel up."

"…Thanks." Cu says before taking the much needed water.

"Hm? Why do you approach?"

"I wish to ask you something since you somewhat remind me of a companion of mine."

"…Speak then."

"Are you a hopeless pervert who enjoys feeling pain?" Kazuma asks, making Lancer choke on some water as Saber and Shirou look at him aghast.

Saber points her blade at him.

"…I may kill you for such an asinine and offensive question."

"That's not no."

"Are you so dense to think me so depraved?"

"Bad time to mention I don't think I can best her in my current state?" Lancer asks, feeling alive again.

"I don't mind a tactical retreat, but leaving without knowing her name will only come back to haunt us…" Kazuma says before extending a hand towards Saber.

"Magic from this world cannot harm me."

"Good thing this isn't magic from this world!"

"What?!" All three ask at the same time as his hand starts glowing bright, soon blinding everyone present.

"Steal!" He says, and a moment later, everyone looks confused when Saber still has her blade and armor.

Then she pales and glares at Kazuma.

Kazuma also frowns.

"Guess I can't complain about your luck Cu…"

"Why do you say-" Cu stops when Kazuma opens his fist, showing a pair of plain white panties.

"Oh my God…" Cu says, frowning fully at his master.

Saber's sword reveals itself as she raises it above her head, now glowing brightly.

"EX-"

 

[Hephaestus]

Fuck ya crack I love crack now give me more

 

[Albedodragono]

xD as expected from Kuzuma. I hope next chapters will come out fast

 

[Davos]

"Oh my God!" Cu says before grabbing Kazuma.

"-CLAIBUR!" The blonde woman shouts with every fiber of her being, unleashing a wave of potent golden energy in Kazuma's direction.

Cu barely manages to hoist him away and evade the blow.

Saber coughs up some blood but still keeps an eye on them as they begin to retreat, but Cu stops.

"Luck does not favor you today Saber!" He says with smart ass grin until he notices Kazuma waving the pair of panties at her like a handkerchief.

"Really Master?"

"She tried to kill me; I have no qualms about annoying her, especially when she is too injured to continue."

"She might have battle continuation."

"She could, but possibility is not enough to stop me from certainly annoying her~." Kazuma says, continuing to wave merrily at a scowling Saber until Lancer jumps away.

Saber takes a deep breath and turns to Shirou.

"My apologies Master, Even if I knew there was no people or housing in that direction, I still let my anger get the better of me and-" Saber stops when she sees Shirou looking at the devastation her Noble Phantasm caused with an open mouth, wide eyes, and slight shudder.

"Master?"

"It's…It's exactly like back then…the great Fuyuki fire! D-did you…?"

"There…were circumstances and-W-wait Master I can explain!"

===

"What in the world was that Archer?" A young woman in a red top and black skirt asks a man in a red coat.

"That was likely a Noble Phantasm, and a powerful one at that. I would not be surprised if that was from the Saber servant of this war."

"Still, using a Noble Phantasm this early? And one as showy as that? Must be a complete rookie of a master…"

"The Holy Grail War does have a history of pulling non mages into this conflict." The red coat man says with a neutral face.

"That should make things easier for us…though it would help if I knew what you can do."

"Apologies Master. My memories are still hazy."

'But…Saber never used Excalibur this early before…what is going on?' Archer thinks with a closed eye before noticing Rin walking in a direction.

"Where are you going Master?"

"To track down one of the fighters, they must be weakened after that display…or are you unable to track them Archer?" She asks with a slight smile.

===

"Guess we know where 'Big brother' is tonight~." A white haired child says with a smile. The giant in spirit form beside her grunts in agreement before they head in that direction.

===

"Is that…the power of a servant?" A lean middle aged man asks at the gate of a temple.

"Indeed Master…I would not be surprised if that was from Saber or another Knight class…now do you see why I suggested my plan of gathering mana?" A robed woman asks as she finishes setting up a summoning circle.

"I do…I am no stranger to such tactics…but that sight was still astounding."

"Indeed…One moment master, I need silence for this next part." She says and her master nods. A few minutes later a man with long hair and an absurdly long sword appears.

"…Which one of you is my master?"

"I am, Assassin…or would you rather I call you Kojiro Sasaki?"

"It matters not, Witch of Colchis, as long as I can head out and meet a worthy foe in battle."

"Then you are not going to like my order…And I insist that you never call me that again."



===

"This grail war is looking to be quite interesting…wouldn't you agree, Kirei?" A blonde man says while swirling a cup of red liquid.

"Indeed…Though I cannot help but be wary of the Child of Light holding a grudge against me."

"Are you really worried about that mongrel? The one that ran away at the sound of my voice? Though I admit, I might not be in top form…" The blonde man says with a smirk.

"My apologies, King of Heroes. It is rather difficult to find orphans ten years after a disaster." Kirei says, drawing a chuckle from the blonde servant.

===

"What the Hell was that?!" A blue haired young man says.

"A servant…one much more powerful than I." A pink haired woman in a short black outfit says.

"I can see that!....We'll have to hurry that plan along…Think I need to see Sakura to calm down after that…~"

"…As you wish Master."

===

Some distance away, Cu lets Kazuma go and looks at him, studying him.

"Something on my face? Or are you going to reprimand me for earlier?"

"No, just realized something after thinking about that water you make."

"What is it?"

"Can you make food? Specifically potatoes?"

"Isn't that a stereotype of the Irish?" Kazuma asks, getting a small grin from Cu.

"It is if they aren't delicious. So can you?"

"Yes and no. I do have a garden back home with vegetables that are probably as rich in mana as the water, but they still take time to grow, at least a week for small ones to be edible." Kazuma says as Cu empties the bottle, looking notably heartier after the infusion of mana.

"Shame…If it's anything like the water, I would kill for a baked potato right now."

"Wow…the grail really did pull in non masters…" A young woman's voice says, making Cu and Kazuma turn to see the young woman in red and black and red coat wearing man with white hair and tanned skin.

"Another one so soon?!" Kazuma asks in shock.

"This servant is likely good at tracking...I'm sure he is hoping for an easy win thinking I am spent after that fight with Saber." Cu says, spear at the ready.

'So he did fight with Saber…but that shouldn't have been enough to make her use her- wait…who is this??' Archer thinks while looking at Kazuma in surprise.

"Where are you looking Red?!" Cu says, already closing the distance and stabbing away at Archer, quickly pushing him back.

The young woman watches some distance, growing more concerned as Archer is forced back, and staring wide eyed when his twin swords are flung away.

"You got this Lancer!" Kazuma says.

When Lancer goes to stab him, Archer already has his blades back, only for it to be tossed aside again.

And again.

And again for the fifth time.

"…What the Hell?" Cu asks and Archer merely grins back at him.

'He doesn't seem nearly as strong as Saber, but the fact he has unlimited blades at his disposal is an issue.' Kazuma thinks before the red man speaks.

"Are you troubled Setanta? Or should I call you Cu Chulainn?"

"What the Hell?" Kazuma mutters in shock as Rin looks on with a smile.

"…How do you know I am not another Lancer?" Cu asks, equally puzzled.

"You're skill is as revealing as a Noble Phantasm."

"Then I see no point in keeping it secret!" Cu says before jumping back and dropping low, a hand on the ground his spear glowing red. Archer grimaces and raises an arm as Cu attacks, hurling his spear with all the force his wound up body can muster into the throw.

"Gae Bolg!"

"Rho Aias!" Archer says, making seven petals appear. The young woman flinches, as wide eyed as Kazuma and Cu when the petals start shattering slowly from Cu's attack, stopping entirely at the fifth gate before returning to Cu. When the shield vanishes, Archer is only slightly damaged and fatigued from the attack, but the young woman goes to a knee with heavy breathing, a hand at her heart.

"…I'm starting to think you don't know what causality means Cu."

"Not the time Master! And in my defense, that shield is literally the worst thing for me to face! It is the ultimate defense against thrown weapons… But now we have his name…he is Ajax!" Cu says and Archer smiles.

"But…aren't those short swords Chinese?" Kazuma asks and Archer's smile fades.

"That…they were…"

"And his style of clothing is neither Chinese nor Greek…What is your name?" Kazuma shouts the question.

"I do not know, I have amnesia!" Archer answers back, smiling when he sees Cu start leaning on his lance.

'Crap…Cu is running on empty again. Got to make something up to distract them so he can recover!'

"So you're Japanese!" Kazuma shouts with unsupported bravado.

"W-what?" Archer asks, taking a step back from the question. Cu takes the chance to drink water.

"How in the world did you come to that conclusion??" The young woman asks.

"Because…" Kazuma starts before swallowing.

"He's obviously been isekai'd!"

"I've never been run over by a truck!" Archer shouts before blanching. His master looks at him with an open mouth.

"Aha! So you are Japanese, and judging from your skin tone, an ntr bastard too!" Kazuma says, making Cu raise an eyebrow as he finishes the water.

"How dare y- I mean I don't know what that means!"

"Oh my God, my servant is a womanizer…" The young woman says.

"I am not! Wait why do you know that term?" Archer asks.

"Why do you?! Have you been eyeballing me?!" The woman says while covering herself.

"No! Why would you- I am considerably older than you!"

"Age hasn't exactly stopped perversion, especially the Greeks who you have taken an interest in, Mr. 'Rho Aias'! And believe me when I say I know that for a fact! Do I need to use another command seal to keep you from perving on me?!"

"No! Don't use that so recklessly! If you feel uncomfortable wear a longer skirt so you aren't flashing people below when I carry you! Ahhh, I cannot believe I am having this conversation…" Archer says with a hand at his head as his master covers her face.

"…Do I even want to know what ntr means?" Cu asks.

"Basically cuckoldry."

"Do I need to know any finer points to taunt him with it?" Cu asks with a smirk.

"Probably not, though ugly bastard is a common term for it too." Kazuma says with a grin and Cu raises his spear.

"Prepare to die you ugly bastard!"

"I am definitely not ugly!"

'…Well, this is a new shade of Hell I'm walking into…' Archer thinks before more footsteps approach.

"Please, Shirou, it is unsafe to go wandering aimlessly at this hour!"

"Stay away from me! You caused that-" Shirou and Saber stop when they see the other four. Saber readies her blade.

"Great, Queen Arthur is here…" Kazuma says.

"King! I did not lead battles to become Queen of the Britons!"

"Rin, we should leave. Even with Lancer in this questionable state, I don't think I can defeat Saber."

"Agreed…getting two servant's true names is enough of a victory so we should-"

A tree falling over and crashing to the ground catches their attention.

By the tree is a white haired child standing next to mountain of muscle with a stone blade bigger than most men.

"Oh my, three servants in one place? This war will be so much shorter than I expected. Get them Berserker~."

 

[Albedodragono]

Now only need him to trigger her with how Mordred was born lmao.

 

[Laath-]

Here comes Trashzuma, to sexually harass a (legal this time!) loli.

 

[goget]

I hope that Cu will remind Kazuma to make potions before the fight starts from now on.

 

[death734]

Thanks for the chapter, wordsmith.

 

[Simplexity]

Cu and Kazuma... Oh wow I never knew I need this buddy cop dynamic and now I'm hooked! After this grail war is done I hope Cu follows him to the Konosuba universe T.T

 

[Davos]

Berserker lets out a roar and charges the nearest servant, Saber, nearly throwing her across the field. During the short wind up of another swing, Cu Chulainn steps in and slashes him, but not doing any noticeable damage. He does redirect the giant's swing and evades, allowing Saber to get a stab of her own in, which also proves ineffective.

Kazuma hides behind a tree as the ground shakes with each swing.

"Archer, where are you?!" The dark haired young woman shouts.

"What do you mean you can see us? Wait, what are you- No don't go into the middle of a servant fight!" She says, pulling back the red headed guy.

"But-"

"No buts! We might be in a Holy Grail War, but as long as he is around, I'm willing to call a truce. I assume that's ok with you too, coward?" She shouts the last part at Kazuma.

"I'm not a coward; I'm just staying out of the fight!"

A swoosh of wind draws their eye, and they see Saber has dealt the fatal blow to the giant.

"Huh…Not as bad as I-" Kazuma goes quiet when he sees the giant regenerate and stands back with a primal, animalistic scream.

The make shift alliance members look on in shock.

"That's…How did you summon a demi-God?!" Cu asks.

"W-who is it?" Kazuma asks.

"Heracles~." Says the white haired girl with a smirk.

"Not Hercules?"

"He's Greek, not Roman you troglodyte."

"Are there any other differences we should be aware about?"

"He has 12 lives, 1 for each labor, and becomes immune to whatever method killed him~."

"Oh that is complete and utter bullshit!" Kazuma says.

"I hate that I agree with him…" Says the dark haired girl.

"Likewise…" Says Saber before Heracles takes another swipe at her.

"Gae Bolg!" Lancer says, making another red stream appear through the air, aimed directly at Heracles' chest.

Only for it to bounce off harmlessly, not even slowing the giant as it sends Saber flying through the air.

'That is the third time!' Cu and Kazuma think at the same time.

"…Did he get lucky or…" Kazuma starts to ask, making Cu wince.

"Oh, I forgot to mention, only Noble Phantasms ranked A or higher can harm him~."

"Lancer, what's your rank?" Kazuma asks, despite suspecting the answer.

"…It was B. Now it's C++." He says before the giant turns towards him, steam coming out of its mouth.

Then he explodes, shot from behind with an arrow carrying the force of a missile.

The giant is unaffected, but Cu uses the momentum to aid the last of his energy to create some distance.

Kazuma tosses him another bottle, and he begins drinking.

Kazuma raises both shaking hands toward Berserker who is looking around for the source of the barrage.

"Master, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to steal that bastard's weapon!"

"…I really don't want to be near you when you get his loincloth…" Cu says with a side long frown.

"I won't! Steal!" Kazuma shouts with all his soul, hoping against hope to weaken the giant that is stepping towards the dark haired woman, now stopping at the bright light from Kazuma's hands.

When it passes, Cu raises an eyebrow.

The giant is not only still armed, but likely still wearing his undergarments.

"So…whose is it this time?"

"Oh my God…!" the dark haired woman says.

"You deplorable little-!" The white haired girl says with balled fists.

Kazuma opens his hands and he has a plain pair of white underwear and a surprisingly risqué pair of black panties that look little more than strings with a patch of cloth.

"Two for one…shame one of them is a temporary ally…" Cu says.

"Berserker, change of plans; He's the target for that spell now!" She says with an angry point.

"You think I'm afraid of death?! I'm friends with the Goddess in that afterlife room!" Kazuma shouts.

"Oh I won't kill you. I'm going to have Heracles break your limbs before cutting off your head and casting a spell to make you effectively immortal and feel every sensation of being a severed head~." The white haired girl says, making the other girl blanch and Kazuma stare in true terror.

"There's something fundamentally wrong with you, you stunted bitch!" Kazuma says before Heracles roars and begins running towards Kazuma.

"Lurk!" He says and vanishes, stunning everyone present.

"How in the world did he-"

"Over here!" Kazuma shouts.

Heracles wastes no time in charging after him.

"Freeze!" Kazuma says, and ice appears on the ground, making the giant slip.

And do a flip, spinning in the air like a break dancer and ballet super star before landing directly in front of a stiffly smiling and shaking Kazuma.

He raises his weapon.

Kazuma takes a hurried deep breath.

"ERIS SAVE ME!" He shouts, making the insane giant tilt its head in a moment of pause at the familiar name. Then in further confusion as a rip appears in the air.

"What…" The white haired girl and Saber says.

"Is…" The black haired girl and Shirou say.

"Going on over there?" Archer says, squinting to see better and in befuddlement.

"Hello again Eris!" Cu says.

"Hello again Child of- Wait…Heracles?!" Eris asks and Heracles stares with a gaping mouth at the rip.

"Uh…I know this is not the best time to ask you for anything, but can you give this man a break…he's been through a lot."

"Hnng." Heracles growls back.

"Yes, I know, not quite as much as you, but he didn't ask to be here and-"

"Hng."

"Excuse me?! What did you just call me?!"

"Hnng."

"Don't repeat it!"

"Hnnng~ Haha Hmph!" Heracles says, drawing an exceptionally loud gasp from Eris.

"That's it!" Eris says before the rip gets bigger and her fist comes through it.

"God Blow!" Eris says, and the punch sends Heracles flying through the air, crashing next to his pale, open mouthed, and near comatose young master.

The others cannot believe what they just witnessed as Heracles grunts and fades into spirit form.

"This isn't over!" She shouts and begins running away with tears in her eyes.

===

"What the Hell was all that!? I thought you weren't a mage!" The dark haired girl says some time later after recovering back at Shirou's place.

"I'm not. I only know basic magic from another world…and shouldn't you introduce yourself?" Kazuma says while spinning the risqué black panties on one finger.

"…Please stop doing that in my home…" Shirou asks with a hand at his face.

"And return mine as well!" Saber says with a scowl.

"Pardon me for forgetting my manners with a panty thief!" The girl in red says.

"You're still acting all high and mighty after wearing this lewd piece of clothing?" Kazuma says while spinning the black panties on his finger. The girl looks at him flatly.

"…Those aren't my panties you perverted freak." She says and Kazuma stops spinning them, arriving at only one conclusion, and not liking it.

"…There is something fundamentally wrong with this world." Kazuma says.

"…How the Hell did you wind up with him as your master? I cannot imagine him having an artifact related to you or having that much affinity…" Archer asks Cu while standing next to Cu.

"I was summoned by someone else, a nice young lady from my homeland that had one of my earrings, but then the priest killed her and I had him make a pact with me so I wouldn't be his lap dog." Cu says.

"Kirei did what?!...No that makes perfect sense actually…" The dark haired young woman says with a hand at her head.

 

[Davos]

After introductions of names, and Kazuma repeating his truthful and absurd reason for being there, the others turn to the silent elephant in the room.

"…He really isn't lying…" Eris says through the rip.

"This raises so many questions…" Rin says.

"…Why is a Greek Goddess looking over the departed of Japan?" Shirou asks.

"That's uh…bit of a long story. But this is due to circumstances. Normally another Goddess handles this area."

"Why is a Japanese man, who chose to go to another world, back in Japan?" Saber asks.

"I don't want to talk about that…" Kazuma says, looking away with fully sullen eyes.

"I do have a question for you Lady Eris." Archer says.

"What is it?"

"If this young man dies during the course of the war, what happens to him? Does he simply go back to that other world? I ask because I do not wish to incur the wrath of a deity." Archer asks and Eris remains quiet.

"…Eris?" Kazuma asks.

"The…laws in this world and the circumstances make that more difficult than back in the other world, so I am not entirely sure yet…"

"Wait, I can permanently die here?" Kazuma asks.

"I didn't think you would be at risk of dying during a vacation in your home country! Plus the mana in this world behaves differently, further complicating things…"

"…How often do you die in this other world Master?" Cu asks and Kazuma remains quiet.

"…I can't tell if you're the biggest threat in this war, or the biggest joke." Rin says flatly, making Kazuma glare.

"You have no idea what I had to put up with in that world! My party is full of crazy people! Like- Wait a minute…" Kazuma starts then stops when he looks around the room.

First at Saber; a blonde knight with noble bearing.

Then at Rin, a dark haired girl in red that knows magic.

Then finally at Cu Chulainn who is clad in blue, who has a lot of hype and ability, but has failed at everything they attempted.

'Nothing's changed! I'm back where I started! And that's not including whatever baggage a guy that would willingly run into a servant fight and this Chinese Ajax that's actually possibly Japanese would have…!' Kazuma thinks with an open mouth and blank eyes before looking at Shirou.

"Something the matter?"

"Is there any liquor in this house?" Kazuma asks, and Cu looks at him.

"No…wait, why are you asking? You look about the same age as us."

"I'm not asking for myself."

"Really Master?" Cu asks with a sigh.

"Sorry Cu, but I don't believe in coincidences, and there are too many familiar sights here!"

"I'm not a drunkard! Besides, I doubt I would even like sake."

"Your loss…ugh!" Archer says.

"…So you are a Japanese hero…but which one would have your skill set?" Rin mutters.

"Maybe he's Chinese who came over?" Shirou asks.

"That wouldn't explain the Greek shield." Kazuma says.

"Maybe he is a trader who's been around the world?" Saber suggests.

"M-my identity is not important right now!" Archer says.

"Awfully convenient for you, Red; you already know our names." Cu says.

"He's probably a Japanese guy that is obsessed with everything European, and that's why he doesn't want to tell us." Kazuma says, enjoying Archer's forehead vein.

"I am not….Knowing my name will not change the fact none of us can stand against Berserker." Archer says, and the others cannot disagree.

"…Not to mention what that priest has in the church." Cu says.

Rin stands up.

"For now, we should go home and do more info gathering…Not like there is much more we can do tonight."

Kazuma looks at Shirou. Shirou returns a flat stare. Rin also looks at Kazuma.

"…I still don't have a place for tonight so-"

"Absolutely not!" Saber says.

"But we're allies aren't we~?" Kazuma says, making Saber's eye twitch.

"I think you need to give up your trophies to try and smooth things over Master."

Kazuma begrudgingly returns the plain panties, making Saber and Rin leave the room.

"…You actually stole Saber's underwear?" Archer asks.

"By accident." Kazuma says and Archer merely looks flatly at him.

He throws out the black ones and casts 'tinder' on it, sending it up in flames.

Rin and Archer leave a minute later and the four settle in for the night.

===

Kazuma wakes up and finds Shirou and Cu in the kitchen and dining room respectively.

"Why are you up so early?" Kazuma asks.

"Making my breakfast and my lunch for school." Shirou says.

A few minutes later the four of them sit to eat a standard breakfast.

Except Saber who gets a plain bowl of rice and a small, slightly burnt fish.

Saber looks at Shirou.

Shirou ignores her while eating his soup.

Saber steals one of Kazuma's rolled omelets and eats it.

"What the Hell?!" Kazuma says, stopping Saber's chopsticks with his own from stealing the rest of his breakfast.

"Servants need their strength…and you more than deserve punishment after last night."

"Should a Queen really hold a grudge~?" Kazuma asks, making Saber's brow furrow. She reaches with her free hand and starts pulling the plate towards her, but Kazuma already has his hand on it, stopping her attempt.

"I am a king, not a queen!"

"Either way, you seem to have no problem stealing from people weaker than you."

"Are you seriously accusing someone of stealing?!" Saber asks.

"It's not an accusation if it's true!" Kazuma says, struggling to keep his dish.

Cu glances at Shirou. Shirou looks up at Cu.

'I'm sure he has reasons for withholding the extra dishes hidden behind that wall.' Cu thinks before going back to his meal and a few more minutes of bickering between Saber and Kazuma, he lets Saber know about the other dishes. She goes for them and Shirou leaves for school.

===

Saber spends the day in the dojo, away from Kazuma and Cu, with the door locked.

"Can't say I blame her." Cu says, making Kazuma further frown.

"I meet two pretty girls and they both hate my guts…And I'm supposed to have above average luck." Kazuma says.

"You had a Goddess save your life from one of the strongest servants in existence. I call that lucky."

"But it can it be called a life without a girl by my side?"

"…You might get further with them if you don't steal their underwear as a first impression."

"I can't control that ability…it's randomized!"

"Is it really random if it's the same item three times in a row?" Cu asks.

Kazuma has no answer.

The front door opens.

Kazuma goes over to it and stops in his tracks.

The girl with purple hair also freezes, looking at him with widened eyes.

"Uh…W-who are you? T-this is private residence and…"

"I-I'm not a trespasser! My name is Kazuma Satou, I was invited here by Shirou last night…"

"Oh…that is surprising. Shirou doesn't usually invite people over. The only people I've seen here are him and Miss Fujimura…Um, My name is Sakura Matou…"

"I'm sure he'll be here in a bit since school is out." Kazuma says and the girl looks away.

"Uh…Did he get detention or something?"

"No…he uh…is cleaning up the archery range at school."

"Is it a big range?"

"Considerable…He'll probably be at it until after dark. That's why I wanted to get here and put something together for him and-" Sakura stops when she sees Cu walk back to the house, giving a friendly wave to her. She waves back in shock.

"He's…a friend, he's traveling with me at the moment."

"You're traveling?"

"I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I uh…complications happened and I'm in a awkward place."

"Oh, unfortunate. But if Shirou invited you here, I'm sure you're a good person." Sakura says and Kazuma nearly cries from joy.

Then Sakura squeaks.

"W-who are you?" She asks and Kazuma turns to see Saber behind him some distance away.

"I am…uh…"

Kazuma grins and Saber spots, her eye twitching in dread.

"Shirou can vouch for her…Her name is Elizabeth~."

"Oh, it's…nice to meet you Elizabeth…I'm Sakura." She says with a bit of a stiff smile.

"Likewise Sakura…" Saber says with an equally stiff smile, a fist clenched at her side.

'I should probably stop annoying the woman that could kill me while revival is uncertain…Later~." Kazuma thinks before the door opens and a woman with short brown hair and an easy going smile in a green dress with a striped shirt under it enters with a fast stride before stopping when she sees Kazuma and Saber.

"Did you invite friends over Sak-" She stops when she sees Cu exit the house.

"Get back, there's a shady looking burglar!"

"Where?!" Cu asks, ready to kick ass, unaware of the woman pulling out a kendo sword.

"You targeted the wrong estate!" She says, slashing at Cu who side steps and backs off.

"I'm not a burglar!"

"You expect me to believe a contact wearing, hair dying punk like you isn't a lawbreaker?"

"This is my natural hair and eye color! And I am mostly honorable!"

"Then I'll give you one chance to prove it! In the dojo or we're calling the cops! You face Taiga Fujimura!"

"B-but Fujimura, he-"

"Get that phone ready Sakura!"

"Y-yes…"

"…I know it's not my place, but you should really stand up for yourself…" Kazuma whispers.

"I know…" Sakura says as they all head to the dojo to watch Cu and Taiga spar. Although he has more skill his experience, he winds up only edging out a victory. Kazuma looks at him flatly when he walks away after getting Taiga's stamp of approval.

"…I'm great with a spear but muck with a sword."

"Really? I wouldn't mind fighting you with a spear sometime!" Taiga says.

"I wouldn't mind that either…though it'll a lot more one sided~."

"Heh you wish…anyway your turn now!" Taiga says to Saber.

"What?"

"I'm not letting some strange girl stay with Shirou. You got to prove it too!"

"B-but don't you need rest?" Saber asks as she catches a bamboo sword.

"I can do this all day!" Taiga says before they start.

And gets a bump on her forehead.

"…You're approved…" Taiga says somewhat sadly before turning to Kazuma her zeal back in a second.

"…Is a match really required at this point?"

"Yes. I'm not letting ne'er-do-wells stay here!"

"As you wish. I'll try to not hit you in your face."

"You'd be lucky to hit me at all! Your blue friend struggled mightily against me!"

"Careful M- Kazuma…She is quite skilled." Cu says.

"No need to worry, and prepare for a show!"

"Strange, I didn't think you would be the cocky type." Taiga says with a smile.

"I'm no stranger to a sword…prepare yourself…Tiger!" Kazuma says, smiling at the eye twitch even if he does feel slightly bad at taunting her.

The guilt vanishes as he is whacked from every possible angle, Taiga not showing mercy even as welts form on his body in mid spar. It's only when Kazuma starts sputtering on his knees Taiga relents and scratches the back of her head.

"S-sorry, I really hate being called that…"

Sakura has her hands over her mouth in shock.

Cu looks on neutrally, more surprised at Taiga's energy than the outcome. He is however somewhat disturbed at Saber's reaction.

She is smiling fully and sweetly at Kazuma's pain.

 

[death734]

Thanks for the chapter, wordsmith.

Cant be a Konosuba crosover without Kazuma getting whacked.

 

[goget]

Lol, the Saber route was completely annihilated by Shirou discovering Saber's identity too soon.

 

[DracHoward]

Lol, the Saber route was completely annihilated by Shirou discovering Saber's identity too soon.

Click to shrink...

Technically its not about her identity being unknown but to Shirou, this blond swordswoman who appeared before him is partly responsible for the Fuyuki Fire

Yeah its either the whole world getting corrupted by a wish or a town being burned down (which was unintentional), but to Shirou, Saber is the reason behind the whole tragedy and is not taking it well (which ia evident with the slightly charred fish in Saber's bowl, a normal Shirou would never do that)

 

[Davos]

Shirou comes home and sees Kazuma covered in bandages, Taiga and Sakura in shock, Cu acting nonchalantly, and Saber smiling with the radiance of the sun.

"…Saber, did you beat up Kazuma?"

"No!"

"Why are you calling Elizabeth 'Saber', Shirou? It's not really nice to call a girl that…" Taiga asks with a head tilt, noticing Saber's eye twitch and Kazuma smile.

"…It's a nickname she likes…" Shirou says, frowning at having to lie.

"Oh, makes sense. She is an amazing swordswoman!" Taiga says, making Saber's eye twitch despite the praise. Shirou resists sighing as he heads to the kitchen.

"I already made dinner Senpai."

"Oh thank you Sakura. Sorry you had to make it by yourself."

"Oh I didn't, Kazuma helped. He's surprisingly handy in a kitchen." Sakura says, making Kazuma smile and Shirou look at him askance.

"I see…That's good to know." He says before they sit down to dinner, everyone's spirits rising with the good food, especially Saber since Sakura gave her adequate servings.

Until Kazuma steals one of her finely cooked fish.

"Cretin!" Saber says, grabbing the fish with her chopstick and trying to pull it back.

"Call it a tax for stealing my egg this morning!"

"I gave you a roll back to make up for that!"

"This is in the interest."

"Ah, young love~." Taiga says causing Saber to snap a chopstick in fury.

Cu Chulainn has a hand over his mouth as he shakes from laughter.

'…Least she isn't trying to take Shirou…though maybe it's better if she or someone else does. It's not like I-' Sakura bites her tongue to stop the thought.

Shirou looks flatly at his servant and Kazuma before resuming his meal.

===

After the meal, Shirou is looking at a patch of freshly dug up Earth with Saber, Kazuma and Cu Chulainn.

"…What is this?" He asks.

"A potato patch." Kazuma answers and Cu's eyes sparkle.

"Just how long do you plan to live here?!"

"I'll share."

"That is not the issue here!"

"Emiya, we all know there is no shortage of issues with that…thing." Rin says at the gate.

"Don't call me a thing!" Kazuma says.

"Can't exactly call you a man." Rin says with a smile. The smile fades when Kazuma raises a hand towards Rin. Saber also grimaces and readies her blade, in turn making Cu ready his lance. Rin in turns points a finger at him, her other hand supporting her arm.

"Don't you dare do it!"

"Then mind your manners."

"You are the last person to chastise someone for ill manners!" Saber says.

"…Although I cannot disagree with you, I think we all should calm down…also what brings you here, little Red?" Cu asks making Rin blink.

"Shirou didn't tell you?" She asks and Shirou's eyes widen a moment.

"Sorry, I forgot when I saw the absurdity at coming back…"

"What did you mean to tell us Master?" Saber asks.

"There's a bounded field at the school."

"What?" Cu and Saber ask at the same time."

"Is that bad?" Kazuma asks.

"This one could possibly kill everyone at the school." Rin says.

"Wait, isn't that against the rules for this War?"

"Technically yes, but it's more about having witnesses. If there are no witnesses, there are no problems…There have been incidents of gas leaks but it's possible that was a servant feeding." Rin says.

"Feeding?" Kazuma and Shirou ask, making Rin blink.

"…Lancer and Saber didn't explain this to you?"

"I'm not fond of that method." Cu says.

"I find it repulsive." Saber says.

"Fair enough…" Rin says before explaining that servant can get mana from feeding on people's souls which is likely what the master at the school is attempting to do.

"So what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Me and Shirou will start to erase sigils for the Bounded field tomorrow…as for you…" Rin trails off.

"Maybe he can help? Do you know a spell that can break sigils or find them?" Shirou asks.

"Got nothing like that, and I'd rather not go to school." Kazuma says, making everyone look at him askance or full of disdain.

"So you would let others die to avoid danger?...Somehow I am not surprised." Saber says.

"It's not like that. True, I don't have a good history with school, but I would think this master who made that field would love to catch masters in it too, so having all of us there would be in their favor." Kazuma says, making them all reconsider.

"…I'm shocked you have a brain that actually thought of that." Rin says.

"Hey."

"But having something in reserve can be helpful…Though that something being you is a little worrisome." Rin continues, making Kazuma look flatly at her.

"Hey, I'm still alive after having that giant chasing me!"

"Yes…Because you had a deity to bail you out. How can we know she'll do that again? She may have…God stuff to take care of when something happens."

"…I'm competent." Kazuma says and Shirou clears his throat.

"…I did hear that there is a 'witch' in Ryuudou temple. Maybe he can go during the day time to investigate that? His skill set is more suited to recon then either of us."

"Wait, where did you hear that?" Rin asks.

"Rider's Master."

"You met with a master?!" Saber and Rin ask at the same time.

"You got more guts than I realized…" Cu says,

"Wait, couldn't Rider's master be the one setting up this field?" Kazuma asks.

"He said he wasn't before telling me about witch at the temple."

"…And you just believed him?"

"I had no reason to believe he was lying." Shirou says.

"…Are you serious right now?"

"I hate that I'm agreeing with him again…" Rin says.

"Likewise…"

"Who is Rider's master?" Rin asks.

"Shinji Matou."

"And you believed him?!" Rin shouts.

"You don't sound too bright." Kazuma says.

"…Saber do you want to beat up Kazuma again?' Shirou asks and Saber happily pulls out a bamboo sword.

"She didn't beat him up earlier, that was Taiga." Cu says.

"I won't stop her. Just not too badly so he can still walk to the temple." Shirou says

"I will make no such promises~." Saber says with a lilt. Kazuma merely looks at her before grinning.

"Elizabeth~."

"You little-"

"Lurk!" He says before vanishing.

"Coward!" Saber yells before beginning to hunt after him to no avail.

===

After breakfast, and staving off Saber's raids on his breakfast, Kazuma and Cu head to the temple. Kazuma explores the temple posing as a tourist, and find little wrong with it. Cu is left outside but close by due to the field affecting him.

When they leave, they bump into a middle aged man in glasses.

'…He looks familiar.' Kazuma thinks.

"Is something the matter, young man?" He asks.

"No, just…did we meet before?" Kazuma asks.

"I don't believe so. I am excellent with recalling faces, and yours does not seem familiar to me."

"Must be my imagination…" Kazuma says and as he and Cu leave, a woman with light purple hair appears, smiling at the man.

"You're back early Souichirou~."

"My final class was early today, I thought I told you?"

'Woah, this plain looking guy has such a beauty?! And with elf ears too…wait elf ears?' Kazuma thinks, looking at the woman more closely before she glances at him with a slight frown.

"Sorry…" Kazuma says while glancing away.

"Do not be too harsh on him. He is a young man."

"You are far too forgiving Souichirou…" She says with a slight sigh before smiling as they head back up to the temple. Kazuma scratches his chin in thought as he and Cu walk.

"Something on your mind?"

"Those two look very familiar…" He says.

===

Kazuma wakes up from a deep sleep with a scream, making the others jolt awake, grabbing sword, spear, and pitifully reinforced pipe in their haste.

"What is it Master?!" Cu asks in a quick breath

"Is there a servant?!" Shirou asks while looking all around.

"Is Kazuma dying?!" Saber asks with a lilt in her voice.

"She's not a cosplayer, that hot elf is a servant!" Kazuma says

 

[Laath-]

Remember Trashzuma, NTR remains a trash fetish.

 

[Simplexity]

Peak is back! Ahhhhh wonderful and considering it's Scumzuma he's definitely going to rizz Illya she just doesn't know it yet.

 

[death734]

Thanks for the chapter, wordsmith.

 

[DracHoward]

Cu and Kazuma... Oh wow I never knew I need this buddy cop dynamic and now I'm hooked! After this grail war is done I hope Cu follows him to the Konosuba universe T.T

Click to shrink...

Doubtful, not about Cu coming to Konosuba, but because Cu might immediately die due to shenanigans in that world

Aqua: What's this spirit attached to you scumzuma!? Exorcism

*cue Cu vanishing away due to godly power*

Kazuma: LANCER GA SHINDA!!!

Megumin: KONO HIDO DE NASHI!!!

 

[Simplexity]

Tch, I hate Aqua always have always will.

 

[Davos]

Tch, I hate Aqua always have always will.

Click to shrink...

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/93/d4/71/93d471f63bc0aabd3d764761195de716.jpg

 

[Neo3932156]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/93/d4/71/93d471f63bc0aabd3d764761195de716.jpg

Click to shrink...

Pro tip, use the insert image function for max memery.

Spoiler

[IMG]https://i.pinimg.com/736x/93/d4/71/93d471f63bc0aabd3d764761195de716.jpg[/IMG]
=

 

[Davos]

Pro tip, use the insert image function for max memery.

Spoiler

[IMG]https://i.pinimg.com/736x/93/d4/71/93d471f63bc0aabd3d764761195de716.jpg[/IMG]
=

Click to shrink...

Was wondering why it didn't show. Thanks!

 

[Davos]

"You're positive it was Souichirou?" Shirou asks at the breakfast table.

"That's what she said…You know him? Tall, lean, plain looking?" Kazuma asks while pushing his breakfast to the side further from Saber, leaving her to look at a plain bowl of rice and a hard boiled egg.

It's not even unshelled.

Cu slides his plate of fish to Saber, whose eyes sparkle, as Kazuma and Shirou look at Cu.

"I don't have a grudge against her." Cu says before turning back to his meal.

"Why do you have grudges against her?" Taiga asks after swallowing some perfectly cooked egg rolls.

"Long story…" Shirou says, not wanting to or sure how to explain his issue.

"She's a jerk and a food thief." Kazuma says.

"To be fair, you're not undeserving of it." Cu says.

"…I didn't realize you all had history…" Sakura says.

"I'll be around if you want to talk about it…but why are you all so interested in Souichirou? If you're struggling with his class I'm sure he can be talked into helping. Sure, he's kinda scary looking, but he's always been helpful."

"That's…not quite the issue Taiga." Shirou says.

"So what's the issue?"

"The babe he's with at the temple." Kazuma says.

"Kazuma that is not-"

"That rumor is true?!" Taiga asks.

"Saw her myself." Kazuma says.

"Is it true she has an odd hair color?"

"Blue like the sky."

"Oh my God…You have to tell me more!" Taiga says with sparkles in her eyes until Shirou coughs loudly, tapping at a imaginary watch on his wrist.

"…You'll still have to tell me sometime. Unfortunately I have to go be a responsible teacher for a few hours."

"Can't you take a sick day?" Kazuma asks.

"Kazuma!" Shirou says, and Kazuma looks away.

Cu chuckles.

"You want the rest of my breakfast Elizabeth? I was up earlier and had a few too many tangerines so I'm not hungry." Taiga says and Saber's eyes glow.

After Taiga leaves, Shirou glares at Kazuma.

"What?"

"I don't want her involved in this war!"

"I don't either, but if there is a rumor mill, why not use it? It could lead to some unexpected finds on the other masters…we don't know Assassin yet for example."

"…We can talk about this later." Shirou says and leaves for school.

===

At the school, Souichirou is grading papers, ignoring the grinning woman in a green dress.

She is still grinning at him when he finishes, forcing him to respond.

"Is something the matter, Ms. Fujimura?"

'Please do not flirt with me…Medea would not like hearing about that.'

"No…just surprised by you, you sly dog you~."

"…I do not understand."

"I heard you actually met someone. Congratulations!" Taiga says, and Souichirou maintains a neutral face despite the question in his head.

"…Where did you hear about that?"

"From a visitor to Fuyuki that is staying with Shirou."

"Emiya? I see…Wait, can you describe this visitor? I believe I saw him the other day."

"Hmm….Not much to say. He's looks like a typical school boy. Brown hair, normal looking…Was he wearing a green tracksuit?"

"Yes."

"You want to come over sometime? I think you two can- Oh I'm sorry…you need the missy's permission, right~?" Taiga asks with a smirk.

Souichirou maintains a flat face, deflating Taiga.

'Medea might like hearing about this…What vile machinations could this young man be thinking?'

===

Saber and Kazuma look at Cu Chulainn with flat stares as he raises his right leg and taps his left leg with his foot before stepping to the left while facing the potato patch, before repeating the leg motions again and walking in a circle with an outstretched hand, following a quick beat.

He stops when he sees Saber and Kazuma.

"…It's a harvest jig."

"Are you seriously dancing for potatoes? Just ask Shirou to buy some…Lord knows you're on better terms with him then I regarding food." Saber says.

"It's not the same as freshly grown! Besides, there's not much else to do here."

"It's a good thing there aren't people who could see. They might guess you're true name from that dance." Kazuma says.

"Not my fault I'm famous."

"….It is though?"

"You know what I meant!"

"It's still a very nice dance." Sakura's voice says from a nearby window, making the three freeze.

"…How long were you there Sakura?"

"The whole time…You didn't hear the sink going?" Sakura asks.

"Do you have any questions?" Saber asks.

"…Would it be possible for me to learn that dance? It looks fun…"

"Sure! Come on out and I'll teach you!" Cu says with a grin.

A minute later, Cu and Sakura are doing the harvest jig.

Kazuma joins in too. Saber looks flatly at Kazuma before dragging him away.

"What was that for?"

"You're just doing that to touch her."

"I am not!...well, not entirely. It does look fun."

"Leave one lady alone. I don't want to be here when you accidentally steal her panties."

"I would never!...Why don't you join us?"

"Why would I ever join a dance with a cretin like you?" Saber asks with fists on her hips.

"Since this is Cu's dance, there could be an inadvertent transfer of mana, making the potatoes grow faster and tastier."

"You really think I'm that desperate for food?"

"You think Shirou's breakfasts for you will get better?" Kazuma asks, and Saber opens her mouth to respond but only silence and a strained sound comes out.

A few minutes later Shirou and Rin arrive at the estate with Archer watching from afar, all of them stunned at the sight of Cu, Saber, Kazuma, and Sakura dancing merrily in front of the potato patch.

"…I didn't realize your finances were this bad Emiya…" Rin says.

"They aren't!"

"I am not surprised…I imagine Saber and Lancer consume a lot of food if left unchecked." Archer says.

"Surprisingly not. Lancer eats about as much as me, and I have been rationing Saber's meals." Shirou says.

"You're doing what to Saber?" Archer asks with an open mouth.

"Rationing. She doesn't deserve seconds and only half of a firsts."

'The Hell is this timeline?' Archer thinks with vacant eyes.

Taiga arrives a moment later and sees the four dancers.

She joins in and makes it five.

===

Kazuma remembers going to bed, but finds himself back at the temple, passing by a solemn looking man with long purple hair and an absurdly long sword on his back.

"What in the…?"

"Welcome, young man. I'm glad you were able to find your way here." A sweet voice says with an undertone that makes Kazuma shivers.

A moment later the hooded figure appears, holding an impossible jagged and colorful dagger.

 

[DracHoward]

Kinda worried a bit, will Shirou be willing to transfer his contract with Saber when Caster reaches him? He still currently a bit bitter with Saber but she is also the link for him to find out the origins of the Fuyuki fire

I guess there might not be a Shirou vs Archer fight, since they have a huge difference, that is the amount they feed Saber

 

[ModerationArt]

A moment later the hooded figure appears, holding an impossible jagged and colorful dagger.

Click to shrink...

Part of me feels this can only end with them both drunk and bitching to each other about selfish goddesses.

 

[Albedodragono]

Oh boy imagine Kazuma ends up in Chaldea and finding the Fate stay night group. Them recognize him and be wary beside cu ofcourse.

 

[Davos]

Kinda worried a bit, will Shirou be willing to transfer his contract with Saber when Caster reaches him? He still currently a bit bitter with Saber but she is also the link for him to find out the origins of the Fuyuki fire

I guess there might not be a Shirou vs Archer fight, since they have a huge difference, that is the amount they feed Saber

Click to shrink...

Don't think he would do that...but I got something else in mind that will horrify Saber.

Part of me feels this can only end with them both drunk and bitching to each other about selfish goddesses.

Click to shrink...

Not quite...

Oh boy imagine Kazuma ends up in Chaldea and finding the Fate stay night group. Them recognize him and be wary beside cu ofcourse.

Click to shrink...

I have a different ending in mind, but love that idea

 

[Davos]

Lancer and Saber hurry towards the temple, only stopping when a lone swordsman stands in their way, his long sword in a relaxed one handed grip.

"I did not expect two servants tonight. That young man is quite fortunate to be so beloved." The samurai says, making Saber spit to the side, eliciting a raised eyebrow from him.

"She's here to work out some annoyances. I'm here to save my master, now stand aside unless you wish to be impaled."

"As a saber servant and a warrior, I do not know the meaning of retreat. You face Kojiro Sasaki!" The swordsman says while raising his blade, waiting for them to attack.

They look at him quietly, Cu scratching the back of his head.

"…The blonde knight is Saber, isn't she?"

"For what it is worth, you don't look like a caster." Saber says, making the samurai spit to the side.

"I am assassin. Caster is further inside with that green clad young man."

"What is she doing with him?"

"By now, I am certain he is either dead or a puppet."

"No he isn't…it's faint, but there is still a connection. But I won't take my time with you…" Lancer says before crouching low, his spear glowing red, Saber looking at him wide eyed and Assassin readies his blade as Cu launches his attack.

"Gae Bolg!"

"Tsubame Gaeshi!" Assassin says as the red vector approaches him, vanishing before it could pierce him.

"What?!" Saber and Lancer say at the same time.

"That was a most curious swallow…"

"Swallow?" Cu asks.

"Apologies…I tend to get in mood to talk about swallows whenever I use that skill. I perfected it to kill vexing birds that would steal the rice from m bowl."

"…You're telling me, the cursed spear of my homeland, an attack that reverses causality, that I spent considerable time going through hellish training to master, was deflected by an attack you made to hunt birds?" Cu asks with a body wide shake.

"You seem exceptionally irate. Did you expect that attack to work every time against servants?" Kojiro asks, and Cu remains quiet, taking a water bottle from his back to begin drinking.

"Don't you think it improper to drink during a fight? Though I must say, I never expected the Child of Light to be partial to vodka."

"It's water…and he's yours Saber." Cu says before dashing forward, looking to side step Kojiro only to be pushed back.

"Surely you have another trick u your sleeve? Or do I scare you that much?"

Cu's eye twitches as he begins slashing and thrusting at the purple haired man.

===

"This is the worst vacation ever." Kazuma says as Medea raises her arm, making her stop.

"Vacation? You call the Holy Grail War a vacation?"

"I didn't plan to join this when I started my vacation…Now I'm going to die for it."

"…You won't die, I'm just cutting off your arm to steal those command seals for Saber."

"What is it with you people and cutting off limbs!? And I'm not blondie's Master!"

"You people?"

"You, the priest who cut off an arm, and that white haired brat who wanted to make me an immortal voodoo head doll!"

"…How have you lived this long?" Souichirou asks.

"Luck, and prior experience from an aimless adventure with a blue braggart and asinine group." Kazuma says, making Medea laugh.

"Oh, you are talking to the wrong person about aimless adventurers and dumb parties!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes."

"Did you wind up sleeping in a stable on your first night to a new city because you couldn't afford a room?"

"Did you ever sleep on a ship full of men as a maiden? The smell alone killed me!"

"You wanna talk about horrible smells? You ever been eaten by a hydra?"

"Have you?"

"Yes."

"Absurd, you're-"

"The braggart was a Goddess who can revive me." Kazuma says.

"…Was she the Goddess of water?" Medea asks, her blade lowering slightly.

"Yes! How did you know it was Aqua?!"

"How in the world did you convince that self centered thing to leave the Heavens?!"

"I didn't, I basically kidnapped her as revenge for mocking my death." Kazuma says and Medea freezes a moment before lowering her hood.

"Do tell."

"…Not that I want to be, but I thought you were going to stab me?"

"I will if you don't tell me how you made that cry baby suffer." Medea says with a smile.

"OH, the crying, don't get me started on that!"

"Ugh, I know…drop of a hat and a mop is sorely needed…then there's the drinking. Did you know she emptied my wedding day barrels by herself?"

"I didn't but I can see her doing that, or accidentally purifying them." Kazuma says.

"Worst part, I knew I shouldn't have invited her, but I was young and she was family, distant a relation as it was."

"You're related? How? You are way more composed and striking than her." Kazuma says, making Medea frown.

"Trying to sweet talk me? I'm happily with someone else." She says pointing to Souichirou.

"Not trying to, but after all that time with her, I can't imagine you're sisters even with the hair color."

"Don't get me started on the family tree…I think we're distant cousins? My father is Aeetes."

"Sorry, not that familiar with Greek figures…"

"You know Helios?"

"The sun?"

"He's my grandfather."

"Wait…You're part God? How?"

"You know nothing of Zeus do you?"

"Not much, but I'm willing to listen." Kazuma says and Medea pauses a moment. Then she smiles as she makes a table with three chairs, three glasses, and a bottle of wine appears.

===

Lancer deflects Kojiro's blade, only for him to riposte Lancer's counter thrust or slash, a feat that proves easy with his long blade. Even Saber joining the fight against Kojiro doesn't make him budge more than a step upwards, the extra elevation helping minimize their number advantage. Then he maneuvers them in such a way to crash into the other and down the stairs.

"Gah!"

"Damn it!"

"You two are most skilled…I can only attribute my success to the difference in our master's and my having the higher ground. Without both, I am certain I would be easily dealt with."

"Hah…You don't think we are done yet do you?" Cu says before lowering himself again, his spear glowing red again.

"Lancer, that won't work!" Saber says.

"It is as she says, Child of Light…but I won't stop you from trying." Kojiro says, his blade in both hands as Cu throws the weapon. Kojiro flinches but keeps his eye on the spear, ready to cut it…but instead it flies harmlessly up into the air, overshooting him.

"Wha-"

A twig snaps and when he looks down, he sees Cu Chulainn has already closed the distance and still low.

Until he springs up with a pivot, landing a kick into Kojiro's side, sending him flying off the path and into a tree.

Saber looks on in open mouthed shock as Kojiro coughs blood.

"You cheap shoting cad!" Kojiro yells from the wood works as Cu hurries up the stairs.

"You really think I was going to try the same attack twice on you?" Cu says with a smirk as an enraged Kojiro steps back onto a flat surface, brushing leaves and branch from his hair, stopping when Saber stands before him.

"…You think you can do better by yourself? Or that I would not side step you into pursuit?"

"I know you won't…because you are not Kojiro Sasaki!" Saber says, despite a minor inner turmoil at what she is going to do.

'I cannot believe I am burrowing one of that scumbag's strategies…' Saber thinks while suppressing a frown.

"What are you talking about Saber? Who else could I be?"

"You're obviously Musashi Miyamoto!" Saber shouts with gusto, making Kojiro's stare, first in shock, then in fury as he tightens the grip on his blade.

"I'm going to eviscerate you."

'I cannot fault your reaction…' Saber thinks before Kojiro attacks.

===

"Wow, that Jason guy sounds like a jerk…" Kazuma says before taking a sip.

"Indeed, and this…Megumin was it? Sounds quite vexing in her own right…though I cannot believe such a knight exists."

"She does…if it wasn't for Eris, I'm sure I would have given up a long time ago…"

"Eris is one of the few Gods I still pay respects to…a shame she is often bullied by Aqua." Medea says before emptying and refilling her glass.

"Yeah, but I think part of that is my fault…" Kazuma says.

"Nonsense…If anything I'm sure she appreciates the time away…even if it does burden her with more work." Medea says and Kazuma remains silent.

"What is it?"

"…Bit of a random thought, probably bought on by this drink and our talk, but how do you feel about an alliance?"

"You'd betray your compatriots for me? Not that I am in any place to criticize but-"

"No, I mean join us. I know that Samurai is a servant, and with you, that would bring five servants working together. I doubt even Heracles could beat that."

"Wait, Heracles is one of the servants here?" Medea asks with wide eyes.

"Yeah."

"Oh Gods…Which class is he? Rider, Saber?"

"Berserker."

"I suppose him not having his wits is a blessing…" Medea says with a side long look.

"I don't know about that…he managed to talk to Eris for a bit."

"…What? Is Eris a servant?"

"No, I called her for help and she helped through a rip in the fabric of reality."

"…You called on a Deity and she helped you?" Souichirou asks.

"Yeah."

"How?!" Medea and Souichirou ask at the same time.

"I yelled really loud…though I think that's more because she felt bad about my being dragged into this war during a vacation."

"…You truly lead an interesting life." Medea says with a smile before extending a hand.

"Does this mean you'll…?" Kazuma starts to ask but sways a bit from the wine.

"Yes, though I cannot promise what happens after Heracles, I will join forces with you and-" Before Medea can finish Souichirou stands up and envelopes her in an embrace.

"Gae Bolg!" Cu shouts and a streak of red shoots out, hitting it's mark, and making Medea and Souichirou fall to the ground, a pool of red quickly forming on the ground.

Kazuma looks on in pale, abject shock before turning to Cu.

Cu is smiling as he takes a knee.

"Finally, my Noble Phantasm wo-"

"You jackass!" Kazuma says while jamming a finger into Cu's head.

"The Hell?!"

"Things were going great and then you killed her!"

"Are you seriously unhappy about my Noble Phantasm finally working on a servant!?"

"On the one you didn't need to kill!" Kazuma says and Cu looks at him flatly before rubbing his head.

"…Oh my God, you're enthralled by her."

"What?"

"You see one beautiful older woman and are willing to risk everything for her? She was obviously into that other guy why would you even- oh my God…" Cu says before paling at a realization.

"You're an ntr bastard!"

"I am not! We bonded after out mutual dislike of a Goddess and-" The bodies on the ground moving up to a sitting position silences him. Looking over he sees a crying Medea cupping Souichirou's lifeless face.

"SOUICHIROU!"

 

[DracHoward]

Quick Kazuma, get Eris to come. She might be able to revive them, and solidify the alliance!