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Embossed Silver (Dresden Files/Worm) Self Insert

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Leanansidhe, Jun 2, 2016.

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    Leanansidhe

    Leanansidhe Getting out there.

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    Deleted. If you still want to read this message me and I will send you the story.

    It’s not that great and really not worth reading.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 17, 2022
    Leanansidhe, Jun 2, 2016
    #1
    GooseElite, EJ Maybe Writer, Isabella2255 and 20 others like this.
  2. TimelordLucario

    TimelordLucario Professional Lurker

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    Work on some paragraphs, why dont'cha?
     
    TimelordLucario, Jun 2, 2016
    #2
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  3. Prince Charon

    Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know?

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    The paragraphs are there, they just don't seem to be separated (which has prevented me from reading it).
     
    Prince Charon, Jun 2, 2016
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  4. Leanansidhe

    Leanansidhe Getting out there.

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    Is this better? Thanks for pointing that out. I don't know why I didn't notice.
     
    Leanansidhe, Jun 2, 2016
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  5. Beyogi

    Beyogi I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Hm... interesting so far, but not too much to see yet.
     
    Beyogi, Jun 2, 2016
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    Leanansidhe

    Leanansidhe Getting out there.

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    Deleted. Same as before.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 17, 2022
    Leanansidhe, Jun 7, 2016
    #6
    GooseElite, EJ Maybe Writer, LysanderArgent and 18 others like this.
  7. Beyogi

    Beyogi I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    I don't really get what happened here. Did the drive think you were an Empire cape?
     
    Beyogi, Jun 7, 2016
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    EJ Maybe Writer, Valor, tripcode and 1 other person like this.
  8. Prince Charon

    Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know?

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    Quite possibly.
     
    Prince Charon, Jun 7, 2016
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  9. Leanansidhe

    Leanansidhe Getting out there.

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    He arrived at that conclusion, yes.
     
    Leanansidhe, Jun 7, 2016
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  10. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Just a few minor nitpicks.

    'denarii' is plural. 'denarius' is singular. Latin, you know. (a bit of trivia: in the old form of pounds/shilling/pence, pennies were represented by 'd', which did indeed stand for 'denarius').

    'terminal velocity' specifically refers to a falling object, at the point where air resistance prevents further downward acceleration. A bullet travelling laterally is not in free fall.

    The commas make it much more readable.

    This sentence doesn't quite work right. Perhaps 'symbol' rather than 'symbols'? Also, a comma after 'hourglass' would make it more readable.

    Typo.


    Apart from that, nicely started. However, the overall problem is that the protagonist seems to be uncaring about basically everything. There's no personality showing through, nothing for us to latch on to and relate to. But I will be watching to see where this goes.
     
    Ack, Jun 13, 2016
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    tripcode, Prince Charon, Leanansidhe and 1 other person like this.
  11. Leanansidhe

    Leanansidhe Getting out there.

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    Thanks for the advice, I'll correct those errors sometime today.
    I was kind of intending the SI to come across as mildly shell shocked and apathetic, at least at the story's beginning.
     
    Leanansidhe, Jun 13, 2016
    #11
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  12. tripcode

    tripcode Know what you're doing yet?

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    Sophia would be older in 2010, so that might have been Aisha.
     
    tripcode, Jun 19, 2016
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  13. Valor

    Valor Versed in the lewd.

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    He doesn't necessarily know who it is. 14-15. Ain't that big a difference.

    I really like this, by the way. Please feed me more.
     
    Valor, Jul 2, 2016
    #13
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