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Gaia's Alright I Guess [FSN/The Gamer] [Pseudo-SI]

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by ryuan, Nov 15, 2016.

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  1. Threadmarks: The Afterlife is a Game Show?
    ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    It's strange the kind of things that happen in the world. For example, when I died on a sad, unfulfilled life full of regrets I was expecting to get sent straight to hell or be erased from existence or something. I wasn't exactly religious, and I didn't do anything overtly evil, but it was my understanding that you need to be actively good in order to get your eternal reward and since overall I didn't do any of that my fate was sealed.

    I just hoped that once all the fire and brimstone went going I would eventually fall into an obliviousness of madness, or if I were to take a final death and my soul be recycled for other more important tasks I would at least stop feeling pain.

    I wasn't expecting to see myself in a long ass line towards the next cycle of reincarnation. Silliness only got worse as I figured out how the process went.

    It was a game show.

    "And our next participant is... [ἀνδρός], oh... looks like he messed up his stay at earth folks!"



    They had an honest to god laugh track in the reincarnation process. Scratch that, god is dead.

    "Now, let's spin the WHEEL OF FORTUNE!"

    Some kind of large wheel appeared in front of us, and it was truly gigantic. I'm not sure how I didn't noticed that earlier. It started spinning and spinning, and it looked like it would go on forever until it stopped.

    "Looks like he's in luck folks, he gets another go to the Human Realm. A round of applause!"



    "Next, we will see what kind of life he will live. We will get the LOTTERY OF LIFE!!!"

    A fuckhuge box appeared in front of me, and I was throw inside of it. I was only momentarily surprised when that happened, and once I hit the papers I started swimming downwards. Often that part is neglected until the box is cleaned up, but I wanted to try my luck if things are this crazy.

    I went deeper and deeper, and it looked like it had no end. Still I persevered trying to reach the very bottom of the box. I don't know how long it went, it could have been a few minutes to entire geological ages, I wouldn't know the difference since I didn't need to eat, drink or sleep anymore. Things did started to get dark inside the box, likely because I was too deep inside that the strange light of the game show couldn't reach me.

    Using my eyes to catch the paper would be impossible at this rate, so I started using my other senses, like touch or even smell.

    Finally I reached the bottom, as something hard meet my hands. I started looking around for a long time, until some paper meet my fingers with a different texture than the others. It was grainy and felt like earth. Taking a sniff it smelt like grass, of trees and flowers and fruits. It also smelled like blood and shit and rot.

    I gulped, but decided to take this one for myself. When I made that decision suddenly I was standing back where I had started the game show, and the folder in my hands was floating in front of me.

    "Let's see what world you will be in, and what kind of innate abilities you will gain!"

    The folder opened and a gasp sound came out, making everything silent, until...



    "Congratulations!" Came the booming voice, "you are sent to the world of Gaia! You are also entitled to TWO spins on the Life Wheel, and one in the Adversity Table!"

    Two more wheels came, and they started spinning. This time they slowed down faster than before, until their speed came to a near halt, allowing me to see the options. All of them made me shudder with dread. I can't even think their contents so terrible they were, until they stopped.

    "OOHHH!!! Looks like we have a winner here! You just got the Crossover Power and Beloved of Gaia! We haven't seen that combination in a long time folks!"

    "Now, for the Adversity Table!"

    There was a table full of options, and I was handled a ball to throw them in. The really sad part was that every single one of the options I could throw the ball had "live in interesting times" on it, only the colors differing a bit.

    None of them looked promising, so I threw on the one that looked more plain than the others... only to land on the one that had a menacing color to it. I think I even saw some 'ゴゴゴゴゴゴ' coming from it.

    "And now back to the world of living!"

    I was once more thrown into a pit, and I knew no more.
     
  2. Threadmarks: My Name Is...
    ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    I woke up with a start, remembering the strange dream I had. It was a really odd recurring dream, but every time I had it my motivation went up by several notches in the past, until I got into the habit of doing my one hundred percent in anything I do, which in turn evolved into doing one hundred ten percent in anything I do.

    Both mom and dad are glad, yet somewhat worried, that I'm so driven with what I do. I'm not all talented at school, but I tend to read ahead the material and ask my parents to help me better understand it. I'm not all that fast or strong, but I train really hard to meet with the physical standards some of my more talented friends posses. I help my mom with whatever chores she have around the house, at least as much as she trusts me to help, and I try not to be a bother to my parents generally speaking.

    All in all, the very image of a perfect dutiful son. At least as close to it as I can make.

    Being the dutiful son is tiring, but overall I feel like that if I slip even for a single instant, things will get really bad for myself and my family. I it's like I feel the weight of my life and that of my family resting in my shoulders, a responsibility not to waste my life.

    I never told my parents about this feeling I had ever since I was a kid, but I was certain they would find it worrying.

    There are only two reprieves I have from this much work. The first is reading. I love books and stories, and I already started reading quite a bit of them, from legends and myths to books of fiction. The second are video games, and my most treasured possession is my Super Famicom with the small collection of second hand and old games I bought.

    "Shirou-chan! Come here for a second."

    "Okay!" I said while turning off the game before going to my mom.

    We lived in a modest apartment, with two small bedrooms, a small living room and a simple kitchen. It was barely big enough for three people, but it was home. I sat down on the living room and waited for them to tell me the news.

    "Shirou-chan", said my mother, a beautiful (in my completely unbiased opinion) woman with auburn hair, "both me and your father have something to tell you."

    Father at her side nodded. "Shirou, you're going to be a big brother."

    I blinked once, a sense that I had this conversation before a long time ago creeping on my mind before I dismissed it. "Really! That's awesome! I always wanted to be a big brother! Is it a boy, is it a girl?"

    "We don't know yet", said my mother, "she will be born in a few months, so be ready for when she arrives. She will be a bit loud at first, but please bear with us for a while, alright?"

    I nodded. The walls of the apartment are quite thin after all, and I can hear everything that came from the neighbors when they are fighting, though sometimes mom and father fight. Strangely, they don't mention it the next day and they always seen all calmer afterwards. Must be a friendly spar or something.

    But that's besides the point! Me, Seto Shirou six years old, son of Seto Ichitaka and Seto Iori, is about to become a big brother!
     
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  3. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    1. if its only a few months until delivery then they should know
    2. if they do not know yet why are they called it a she?

    kek.
     
    WaNoMatsuri likes this.
  4. ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    1- I count 'less than nine months' a 'few months', but I get what you say. Basically the pregnancy is in the early stages.
    2- she want a daughter.
     
    mrttao likes this.
  5. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    ah, fair enough. i thought it might have been a typo or some such
     
  6. Tired

    Tired I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    his character doesn't feel like a SI. at most he is an OC that remembers some weird dream and gets fired up from it. Also, does he remember his old life and did he read/watched Fate series?
     
  7. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    Yea, it's a SI that got immediately mindwiped & soulwiped too. So what is even the point?
     
  8. ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    Well, I'm not going to correct the title. I will leave it like that.
     
    Older-Than-Time likes this.
  9. Yinko

    Yinko Versed in the lewd.

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    On top of what they said, which I agree with, there are complications with having the Gamer power in Nasu. It's a True Magic, drawing information directly from Akasha, so everyone would be after his ass. Living there would be suicide at best. Having him be Japanese, and probably roped into that tired old Gail War, just makes things worse.
     
  10. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    Everyone being after his ass does make for good adversity though. And I am sure the gamer can do interesting things in the grail war
     
  11. Eternal Dragon

    Eternal Dragon State your wish bitch~

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    I agree. Which is why we must grind in the least annoying way possible. If there is one thing I would like for you to take into consideration is this... DO NOT start writing status information over and over and over again. I mean, a lot of Gamer stories fall into the idea that they have to copy/paste the status and skills the MC learns/obtains/upgrades/levels-up so much so that only half of the chapter uploaded is actually the story.

    I hope I made sense. If anyone else can explain better then feel free.
     
  12. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    to my great shame i actually kinda like that
     
  13. alethiophile

    alethiophile Shadowed Philosopher Administrator

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    This is a pitfall of Gamer fics. How much explicit mechanics you want to include is a creative decision, but character sheet copypasta can't replace a story.

    That said, I don't think I've ever actually seen an F/sn Gamer fic before. So congratulations on something new, anyway.
     
  14. Honorbound

    Honorbound Connoisseur of Lolis

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    There is no shame. I like it as well.
     
  15. Eternal Dragon

    Eternal Dragon State your wish bitch~

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    I've actually read 2 stories like this and both are on FFN. One only has 3 chapters and it's already made Shirou OP so I'm scared the story will suffer.
    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12060217/1/Unlimited-Game-Works

    The other is much better written and the plot seems better planned out... Also, NSFW eventually.
    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11905736/1/Fate-Gamer-Night-Shota-Edition

    Both have slow update speed sadly~
     
  16. Voice of the Winds

    Voice of the Winds Getting sticky.

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    Yeah that's true. I usually either skip or skim the stats if it shows up too much. There's a RWBY story about an SI that has Gamer Powers without the whole status information copypaste every few pages. It also incorporates some neat aspects of games not really seen in many Gamer stories, such as guilds. I think this guy does a great job with his story, having his character make use of the Gamer without much copypaste shown. It's also around 10-30k words per chapter with a consistent update time of 2 weeks per chapter. Fair warning, some parts of some chapters are NSFW.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2016
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  17. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    1. The MC is a SI sue.
    2. The Sue has full knowledge of the setting because he watched the show IRL
    3. The SI is possessing an existing character who has just reached adulthood for some stupid reason. (couldn't he enter in his own body at least? or die and reincarnate properly?)...
    4. The main plot the Sue building himself an incest harem (and non incest too, his harem is too big) which he fuckpregnates in explicit lemon scenes.
    5. The Sue is a moron.
    6. The Sue doesn't face any credible opposition. Only flanderized ridiculously retarded evil people who are too weak to be a threat to him, so he can beat them down for feelgood.

    so disappointing.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2016
  18. ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    Eh, some people like it. I mean, he have more than a thousand reviews and all that shit. Horny male teenagers are the bread of FFN, with the butter being female horny teenagers.
     
  19. Aodh

    Aodh Why are you even angry about being immortal?

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    People having shit taste is no excuse for shit writing if your not getting a paycheck for it.

    Snark brought on by pain over with you need to consider a few things. Interspersing your writing with videos kills the flow completely. It makes the natural beat of your prose die, kills my immersion, and feels like a lazy way to get a point across. Next your plot so far is tripping alarm bells. ROB's are a terrible plot device because they destroy a lot of agency in the story. I would recommend revising them out.

    Snark brought on by pain over with you need to co spider a few things. Interspersing your writing with videos kills the flow completely. It makes the natrual beat of your prose die, kills my immersion, and feels like a lazy way to get a point across. Next your plot so far is tripping alarm bells. ROB's are a terrible plot device because they destroy a lot of agency in the story. I would recommend revising them out. You're also writing Shirou from the first person. While I don't mean to sound rude, do you know his character? Lots of people struggle to understand and get it catastrophically wrong. My reccomendation is that if he goes anything like the canon one you write him as a intelligent and fairly mature person who realizes but refuses to acknowledge the problems with his chosen path in life. He knows that he's fucked up and that his path is fucked up, it's no great revelation to him that he's going to kill a shitload of people following his ideals. You need to understand that he is not stupid and understands with near perfect clarity what he's going to do.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2017
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  20. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    You pretty much pegged the demographic. I suspect most of the fans are reading it one handed.
     
  21. Aodh

    Aodh Why are you even angry about being immortal?

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    And that's not a bad thing but FF.net can't write porn for shit and it also wants to be a real story.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2017
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  22. ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    Yeah, I saw that it had quite large updates so I tried it out. I managed to go up a few chapters since there wasn't too much incest harem shenanigans, but then things started to get worse and I dropped it.
     
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  23. Aodh

    Aodh Why are you even angry about being immortal?

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    It's good to pick inspiration from the good parts of something like that. Guilds in a gamer fic are something I've never seen.
    If you want to read a good gamer fic look up family sacrifices on SB. It's a really good gamer fic so far by Pixel the Square. It has some important traits such as not being bloated with numbers or min maxing, having some damn good character interactions, and not letting the plot die under training.
     
  24. ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    We ever seen a guild since it's a new mechanic from the webtoon. People don't want to invent too many new things since the webtoon is still ongoing and relatively few things had been revealed until now.

    As for the usual complaints about Gamer Fics, well, I think people often confuse a story with a game. In a game you need to keep track of the skills, but in a story you can wave them for the most part, only having a sheet with the references for later.
     
  25. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

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    I got a confession. For all that I have been trashing that bad gamer fic. I have been reading it for the lewds.

    Never heard of it before, thanks for telling me about it. I am trying it now.
     
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  26. Threadmarks: The Game Starts!
    ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    I blinked once I saw the strange light blue, semi transparent window in front of me. I looked around, seeing the panel follow my gaze no matter where I turned. I closed my eyes for a few moments, before opening them and saw it was still there.

    I shook my head quickly, and other than getting a bit dizzy myself nothing happened to the panel.

    My first instinct was to call my mother to come and see this, but I refrained from doing so. Somehow, I had this strange sense of deja vu about this panel, as if I had suddenly been gifted something incredibly, greatly, godly awesome. As if suddenly all my prayers had been answered.

    I tried to touch the panel, with the intention to move it away from my main point of vision, and behold! The panel stuck to my finger and followed it until I mentally released the panel.

    Standing up I quickly changed myself and went to the kitchen table to eat breakfast, where both mom and dad were already wide awake.

    "Good morning Shirou-chan", said my mother with a bulging stomach, "do you want some toast, or are you going to eat your bread normal?"

    "I'd like some toast, thanks." I looked at both my parents, who looked rather indifferent of the floating panel at my side. "Hey mom, did you notice something different with me today?"

    She looked up from the frypan, and dad took a good look at me. "Different how?"

    "I dunno, different I guess?"

    Mom looked between me and my father, before having a look of realization and coming to hug me.

    "Awwww, my little boy is growing up. Don't worry you will be a big brother soon."

    "Moooom!"

    "Heh, if you're so eager to meet your sister, you can start learning to help us take care of her."

    I squirmed a little bit in my mother's embrace, but after finding it an iron grip I relaxed myself and let myself lean on the embrace, enjoying it for what it was.

    Still, looks like neither of my parents saw the panel. Which is intriguing, all things considered.

    I would want to tell my parents about this, but somehow I feel like if I tried to do that they would think I'm sick or seeing things, or at least playing too many video games in order to get this kind of hallucination.

    So I held my tongue and simply enjoyed breakfast, deciding that if I were to talk with my parents about this new development I would need to have iron clad proof before breaching the subjects with them. And probably something to bribe them with, just to make sure.

    I discreetly put the new warning on the side to study it's implications later, before taking a bite of my toast.

    Hmm~ toast...

    ~~O~~

    While I was walking towards school I saw that nobody else was reacting to the panels, so I put them back into my front.

    Another sense of deja vu, though this one felt more familiar to me. This reminds me of the messages on a RPG game when you sleep in an Inn, and since it talks about me then I probably have HP, MP and possible status effects.

    There's also the second panel, where I gained one point of wisdom for a well thought out plan. That implies a few things: I have stats measurable in numbers, one of my stats is wisdom, it's possible to raise my stats by performing a significant action.

    If things keep to the rpg theme, what else do I have? A skill and tech list? Can I see my status like in a game? Do I have an inventory? Do I have an options menu somewhere? Hell, do I have a save and load option? Even then, how do I trigger those windows?

    I touched the panels one last time, and they disappeared as if they were never there.

    Once I was inside the school I quickly went to a secluded place to try out this new development.

    "Alright, let's try mental commands."

    Main menu, open, window, status window, status panel, main panel, inventory, skills, tech, ability, skill tree, tech tree, ability tree...

    On and on it went, before I determined that so far mental commands didn't trigger anything, so now I had to go through verbal commands.

    "Status".

    On the first try a new window appeared in front of me.

    I couldn't help it, I grinned. Someone up there really liked me to give me such power.

    I blinked, and the pop up message wasn't there anymore. What was that?

    I looked over my stats window and there was nothing 'wrong' with it, but there was nothing to indicate that the quick message I just saw really appeared. I shook my head, dispersing those thoughts. I wonder what people call it, an hallucination within an hallucination?

    Well, it doesn't matter. If it happens again I will take not of it otherwise it might be just my imagination, though I really doubt it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  27. Aodh

    Aodh Why are you even angry about being immortal?

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    Nothing badly wrong that jumps out to me but I would recommend you remove the number dumps and pop ups. They kill story flow. If you must have them I recommend integrating them into the story itself. Like
    Shirou saw the pop-up appear with some text on it, "You're welcome."
     
  28. ryuan

    ryuan The guy who can't write smut for shit

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    Honestly that's a matter for preference. Some are bothered with it while others aren't.

    I will keep it.
     
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  29. Aodh

    Aodh Why are you even angry about being immortal?

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    Okay then. It's certainly better then dumping numbers directly in the text.
     
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  30. Beyogi

    Beyogi I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Hm... a Gamer whose power isn't a snarky asshole. Nice difference :)
     
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