French cuisine should be illegal. I have no idea how those frogs brainwashed the world into thinking it's the highest of haute cuisine.
But then again, French culture being overestimated by artsy idiots is just one of those inevitably repeated mistakes of history, like invading Russia.
Of all your many, MANY stupid takes, this is the one that actually baited me.
Anyways, ignoring this unfathomable stupidity:
KALI'S GUIDE TO JERKING OFF:
I'm going to be teaching y'all how to make Jamaican jerk chicken.
You will need:
1 large yellow onion
2 whole bunches of scallions
2-6 Scotch Bonnet peppers depending on your heat tolerance
6-12 cloves of garlic
1 large Anaheim pepper
1/4 cup Soy sauce (or browning liquid if you can find it)
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 teaspoons ground ginger
2 teaspoons allspice
2 teaspoons Chinese five spice
4 teaspoons ground thyme
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 tablespoon rough ground black peppercorn
2 tablespoons brown sugar
Pinch of salt
The juice AND ZEST of 4 limes
Combine all the above ingredients in a high power blender and blend until there are basically zero chunks, you want it as liquid as humanly possible.
Pull out 1/2-1 cup of the liquid for a pan sauce and another 2 tablespoons for the rice BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR RAW CHICKEN IN IT, the rest goes into a large bowl with 4-6 chicken thighs or 6-8 drumsticks (SKIN ON BONE IN ONLY FOR EITHER) and massage the marinade into every nook and cranny.
Cover said bowl with plastic wrap down to wherever the liquid is, so there isn't any air bubbles, then put in the fridge for at least 8 hours but ideally a full day to marinate.
The next day, fire up your grill to medium high heat and cook the chicken, occasionally brushing on more of the marinade when you flip them. Cook to internal 160 then pull out to rest and come up to 165. Serve with diagonally cut slices of scallion and the sauce.
For sides, we're going to do a nice and easy white rice, for which you need:
1 package of shiitake mushrooms
2-4 cups of long grain white rice, ideally basmati
3-6 cups of chicken stock depending on your amount of rice
One whole bunch of cilantro
2 limes
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon powdered garlic
1 tablespoon cooking oil of your choice
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon roughly ground black peppercorn
For the rice:
First, sear your mushrooms over medium heat until they are significantly smaller. Pull them out and set them aside for a minute. WASH AND RINSE YOUR FUCKING RICE UNTIL THE WATER RUNS CLEAR. Then, pour the oil into your pot/rice cooker/instapot/etc and toast your rice for 30 seconds. When it smells nice, pour your liquid in along with the mushrooms and everything else EXCEPT THE CILANTRO AND LIME JUICE. Cook your rice however you cook your rice, and when the rice is done and you are fluffing it, finely mince your cilantro, squeeze your lime juice, and grate a little lime zest into your cilantro as well. Stir that thoroughly into the rice.
For the sauce and garnish, you will need:
The 1/2-1 cup of marinade you set aside
Butter
Chicken stock
1 whole shallot, finely diced
1 whole shallot, very thinly julienned
2 tablespoons Salt
2 tablespoons Pepper
1 tablespoon MSG
1 cup Rice vinegar
1 cup Water
1 shot Jamaican overproof rum of your choice
For the sauce:
Blend the remaining marinade again for as long as you possibly can, then pass it through a sieve so there are ZERO PARTICLES IN IT. Pour this strained marinade into a pot over low and add a glug of chicken stock and your finely diced shallot. Reduce to half, then add a shot of rum, light it on fire and manage the pot until the liquor is totally cooked off. Add butter, reduce and combine further until you have a nice glossy pan sauce.
For the garnish:
Combine all the ingredients besides the shallot, stir heavily and bring to a bare simmer. When the mixture is just barely bubbling, pull it off the heat and throw your julienned shallot strips into the quick pickling mixture and let it sit and pickle for at least 30 minutes (the shallot should be a pretty bright pink), then drain and set off to the side.
For serving:
Plate up your rice and pour some pan sauce into it, mix thoroughly and then shape your rice however you like. Sprinkle your quick pickled shallot over top. Chicken goes to the side with more of the pan sauce over it, and you are ready to serve. Ideally, you'd want to have this with a spiced rum.
Now you too can aggressively scream "BOMBACLAAAAT!"