How I Saved History (Fate/Grand Order SI)

"Chaldea, I presume?" the Saint replies, cool as ice. "The Lord spoke unto me and commanded me to await your arrival."

God exists. That's... I can't stop grinning as I toss out my words. "Are we really so obvious?"

"Most people actually bother making their cover stories believable. Furthermore, you match the description he gave to me."

God knows what I look like. I- That should not make me nearly this happy, but dammit, I can't stop smiling all the same.

"Well then, Jeanne d'Arc, I'll assume that you aren't the Dragon Witch for now." Dammit, don't get flustered. "Would you mind telling us about your experiences in this Singularity thus far?"

She does so. Apparently she was summoned in as a weaker version of herself, with her parameters reduced and her Ruler Skills nonexistent. She travelled the lands, finding only rumors of the Dragon Witch that killed Charles VII, and ruined towns.

"A dire state of affairs indeed." I comment. "We seek to resolve this Singularity. Will you stand by us?"

"Of course." She smiles, and I can't help but realize for a moment just how beautiful she is. "My homeland is in danger. How could I not help you save it?"

"Well, then. Welcome aboard." I look at the sky, which is steadily growing darker. "We'll have to break for the night. Tomorrow, we should head to a town to canvass for more information. Everyone in agreement?"

A chorus of yes's and a few abstentions are my answer.

"Good. Let's send these corpses on to Chaldea and then call it a night."

 

"So. La Charite."

"Yes?"

"Sounds like 'Charity' in English. Does it mean the same thing in French?" I'm not really all that curious, but it beats just sitting around in silence.

"Yes, actually." Now Jeanne turns to look at me. We're sitting on a hill with a view of the town, waiting while Hassan scouts ahead. Tamamo, Kojirou, and Xuanzang are playing some variant of Texas Hold 'em with a pack of cards they found on of the bodies, and Vlad is brooding in the woods. Georgios, for his part, is silently standing guard a few paces away as Jeanne and I keep an eye on the town.

"Weird thing to name a town after."

Jeanne frowns. "There's a priory of the same name in town. I think they might have named the town after the priory."

"You think?"

"I've only been there once, and I didn't stay long."

"Ah."

The awkward silence is reborn, a thousand times stronger! From a ways down the hill, I can hear the sounds of the game. Xuanzang's winning, with Sasaki coming in a close second. I notice something in the distance.

"That is one ugly bird." I point. Jeanne, who seems just as uncomfortable as I do, seizes onto the new subject with great abandon.

"What even is that?"

"I dunno. It's big, though." I narrow my eyes. Something seems of about- Legs. I can see legs. It turns, and I see its profile. Four legs, two wings. "That's a dragon."

I get to my feet, Jeanne rising beside me, the quiet all but forgotten.

"Muster up and be ready to move! Dragon sighted!"

Georgios is on his feet, Bayard called forth. The card game is swiftly ended, and the deck packed away. Vlad rushes back to the camp, a few leaves impaled on his spiked shoulderpads.

"We've spotted a full dragon inbound. And-" I look to check, and yep, there they are, blotting out the horizon. "A flock of wyverns. Looks like we've caught the Dragon Witch. We need to evacuate the townsfolk to a defensible position. I'll get Hassan to start an evacuation. Rider, Berserker, and Ruler, head out to meet the townspeople halfway. Guard them and make a fighting retreat back to our position. Xuanzang, set up the strongest Bounded Field you can, set to ward off Dragons. Lancer, Assassin, you're point defense. Dispose of any enemies who get too close. Everybody know their role?" Nods all around. "Then go!"

They spring into action.

'Hassan, get them to evacuate towards our position. There are dragons inbound.'

'Understood.'

My troops deployed, I set my eyes towards the oncoming dragons, hands clasped behind my back as I watch the battle begin.

 

The villagers make it halfway before the Wyverns (and dragon) reach them.

Fortunately, Rider, Berserker, and Ruler are all quite adept at holding the line. Georgios' Interfectum Dracones cutting a swathe through the dragons as he channels it through Ascalon. Already, I'm feeling the pinch from my circuits. There's something particularly disturbing about the feeling of your nerves starting to overheat, as I'm swiftly discovering.

Tamamo, for her part, is much less singularly deadly, but considering that she isn't THE dragonslayer, that's hardly surprising. Still, she's holding her own, her immense strength coming in handy. I watch dispassionately as she begins to beat a wyvern to death with another wyvern.

'Caster, is the bounded field up?'

"Yep!" she calls back. She seems happy that she doesn't have to fight directly in this one. I suppose I can hardly begrudge a pacifist for not wanting to fight.

'Good. Lancer, Assassin, are your defenses ready?'

'My spears thirst for the blood of the unclean!' I'll take that as a yes.

'I, too, am ready.'

Right. I turn back to watch the fleeing townsfolk. They've already made it another quarter of the way to our bounded field, although their numbers are still dropping as, every once in a while, in spite of Georgios, Tamamo, and Jeanne's best efforts, a wyvern get lucky.

Up above, the dragon still hasn't joined the fight, circling like a great vulture. She's up there. The Dragon Witch. It's mostly a gut feeling, but it makes sense. The elite flying unit makes for an excellent mobile command center. You can see the entire battle, and your command center is also a flying, firebreathing incarnation of pure destruction. The dragon's behavior bears my theory out as well. Normally, it would have joined right in, ravaging the land to its little lizard heart's content. But it's remaining airborne, and not engaging.

Jeanne was an exceptional tactician. Most likely, the Dragon Witch won't engage us in direct combat. Just toss her minions at us.

The villagers are almost here. The three Servants guarding them are managing an excellent fighting retreat. Now. Dragon Witch. What's your counterblow?

They wyverns throw themselves at the Bounded Field, bouncing off of it and then being promptly slaughtered by Vlad and Kojirou, as the river of new refugees starts to flee into Xuanzang's sanctuary.

First quarter, half, three-quarters, all surviving villagers safe. Good. They keep their distance from Xuanzang and I, huddling together. Their clothes are stained with ash and blood and sweat, and their eyes are wide. I can hear them start whenever a wyvern slams against the barrier. They won't ever be the same after this. But they'll live.

In the skies, the dragon begins to descend. It lands about two hundred yards away from the Bound Field's edge, and stepping off of it-

Well, color scheme aside, she's a dead ringer for Jeanne.

'Cursed Arm. Strategy Two.'

'Yes, Master.'

I turn my attention back to the other Jeanne, checking her stats.

'Xuanzang. Can you use a curse to disrupt and lower her mana stat?'

'Yes. Why, though? If she's hooked up to this era's grail, then-'

'It only needs to last for a minute at most.'

'Alright then.'

Hm. She has six Servants with her. I could match those numbers, but victory would be far from assured.

Nonetheless, I can work with this.

"Well now, what's this?" she swaggers up closer to the barrier, her mouth upturned in an irritatingly self-assured smirk. "Someone dares to interfere with my rightful vengeance?"

All the Servants save Xuanzang and Cursed Arm have stood themselves between her and the barrier. She pays them no heed, further reinforcing my impression that she's an idiot. How the hell did she get this far? Oh, right, army of dragons. I suppose that air and troop superiority, along with six servants, really do tend to weigh out any and all tactical blunders when your opponents are regular humans.

"Not you, not you, not you, not you, and most certainly not you," She dismisses Jeanne last with an ugly sneer. "What fool even made such a cheap knockoff? No, no, no, who's the one behind this?" Her eyes settle on me. "You."

"I have been so called, yes." I reply mildly. ' Xuanzang, start the curse while I keep her distracted.'

"You're a Master, aren't you? What, do you plan to save the world? They'll burn you, you know, once you're done saving them. Ungrateful little bastards, humans are. And that's if I don't burn you first!" She breaks out into a fit of hysterical giggling, apparently amused to no end by her own wit.

"And your proposed alternative is...."

"They betrayed me! My country, my king, my God! So I'll burn them. I'll burn them all. And they'll know their sins as they beg for mercy. And I'll give them none!" she seems quite enthused at the prospect.

"How can you do this?" Jeanne breaks in, horror clear on her face. "Our country! Our people! Everything we gave our lives to defend, and you're tearing it down!"

"They didn't save me! SO I'LL SHOW THEM MY PAIN!"

"Including your family?" I ask mildly. 'Xuanzang, how's that curse coming along?'

"What?" Evil Jeanne looks like someone just punched her in the gut, while Good Jeanne's face is paling.

"Your family. They're still alive, mourning their daughter, the hero. Supposedly your father actually died of grief two months after your execution." Evil Jeanne looks confused, while Good Jeanne is looking utterly devastated. "You plan on burning everyone in France, yes? That includes them."

'Curse has taken effect, Master.'

"How could you?" Good Jeanne is looking at her twin with naked loathing in her eyes. "Our mother! Our father! Our brothers and sisters!" She's actually crying, now. "How can you threaten our family and call yourself me?"

"I-" Evil Jeanne's lost her footing. "They never bothered to save me! Just coasted off of their saintly daughter, who-"

"Actually, your mother, Isabelle, was the one who got your heresy conviction overturned. She lived every day of her life proud of what her daughter had done." Good Jeanne is crying at this point. "And you planned on killing her." 'Cursed Arm. Now.'

"I- You're making that up! I don't remember-"

"Delusional Heartbeat: Zabaniya."

She doesn't even have time to react before Cursed Arm crushes her heart. She simply stares in shock, caught dead in mid-sentence. And then she falls flat on her face and dissolves.

For a moment, all is silence. And then her Caster servant breaks that silence with a heartbroken scream of rage.

And with their summoner dead, her Servants vanish. All except...

"Gilles?" Good Jeanne (now Only Jeanne) mouths in shock. "But... Why didn't you-"

"MY WISH! MY DREAM!" he's frothing at the mouth with rage. "YOU KILLED IT! YOU KILLED HER! YOU KILLED MY JEANNE!" He begins to chant. Something low, and guttural, in a language unknown to human ears. Deep in my heart, a primordial dread rises, as the shadows seem to deepen, and the angles broaden-

"KEZLIKI BEY!"

-and three stakes impale him straight through his chest, leaving him choking on his own blood mid-spell. I turn to look at Vlad.

"What? He was creeping me out."

"Fair enough. Good work, Lancer."

Real Jeanne has moved over to stand by the dying Gilles, tears brimming in her eyes. "Why, Gilles? Why?"

"They betrayed you. Just... went on with their lives. The world without you, it was..." he's struggling to speak. I'm actually surprised he can talk at all with those stakes through his lungs. "I couldn't stand it. I just wanted... to make them pay for it. Make them pay for it all."

"By creating an evil copy of the person you were avenging, who would then proceed to destroy everything she dedicated her life to saving, including her own family?" I point out. Jeanne glares at me. "I'll be quiet."

"I'm glad." Gilles smiles. "I got to see you again." And with that, he dissolves, leaving Jeanne alone, still crying.

"Right. Somebody grab the Grail!" Tamamo holds it up. "Thank you, Tamamo."

"I-" Jeanne turns to me. "The Lord was right. You do work fast."

"Please. I had excellent assistance." I smile. "It was an honor to work with you, Saint Jeanne."

"Oh, please, I'm hardly a Saint."

"You are, actually. You were canonized in 1920." I smile. The world is breaking down around us, and Jeanne herself is starting to dissolve. "Beam us up, Roman."

As the light takes us away, I imagine that I saw the Saint smile.

 

With the Second Singularity resolved, life at Chaldea returns to normality. Or as close to normality as an observatory staffed partially by undead heroes could get.

And, in between summoning new Servants, polishing up my Latin, and reviewing my knowledge of Roman history, and history at large, I take the effort to actually get to know my Servants.

--- ​

"So. Cooking." I look at Tamamo Cat. "Aren't you, you know, a wild animal?"

"Not anymore, though!" Tamamo Cat chirps back. "Now I'm one hundred percent domesticated, thanks to you!"

Not touching that with a ten foot pole. I turn back to the books. "Well, would you like to hear some of the stories I know about Rome?"

She nods, and I decide to start with the tale of Publius Claudius Pulcher and the sacred chickens.

---​

"So. Next Singularity is in Rome." I look over my templed hands at Vlad. "Roman- Dr. Roman, that is, has narrowed it down to the first century AD, during the early persecution of the Christians. Can I count on you to not kill anyone important unless I tell you to?"

"But I will get to kill a Roman or two, yes?" He looks at me like a puppy begging for a bone, and I can't find it in my heart to deny him.

"Sure, buddy. I'm sure we'll run into a historically unimportant Roman or two that's just begging for a staking."

---​

And so it went. Georgios picked up an interest in photography, Cursed Arm's been helping Hundred Face with running Chaldea, although I persuaded him to serve as security for my Summonings, and Xuanzang's been operating the chapel, alongside Georgios. The summonings, however, brought a great influx of new faces to Chaldea.

---​

"Servant Saber. True Name, Gilles de Rais."

"Neat. Just remember that Chaldea has a strict policy against raping and/or murdering children and we'll get along just fine."

---​

"Servant Lancer. True Name Cu Chulainn. Pleasure to meetcha, Master!"

I blink. Yep. He's got the spear, and he's got the face. Right.

"Marjani, page Da Vinci over the intercom. Lancer, bar's full, feel free to pester the barkeep. You are now officially his problem."

Lancer seems slightly annoyed at my brusque dismissal of him, but perks up at the prospect of alcohol. Once he's gone, I turn to the intercom.

"Right, Da Vinci, we have a bit of an irregularity...

---​

"Servant Caster. True Name Medea. Mind your place and we'll do fine."

"I'll keep that in mind. We'll assign you your room shortly."

Viable to go along with my more extreme measures, but all in all, far too unstable for regular use. I had actually considered having Cursed Arm kill her when she appeared, but decided against it. She might be good for spellcraft. But if she becomes a liability, she'll be disposed of. I instruct Hundred Face to assign a body to shadow her, and then move on.

---​

"Servant Berserker, Spartacus! If you become an oppresor, I'll kill you!"

Weak, but potentially useful as cannon fodder. "Understood, great rebel."

---
​

"Servant Caster, True Name Mozart, let us conduct a grand symphony together!"

Weak, unusable in the field, but might be a morale booster. Let's see if we can salvage a lounge together.

"An honor to meet you."
​

---
​

"Servant... Berserker. True Name... Asterios."

"Welcome." Might be useful for grunt work. No way in hell I'm trusting my back to the freaking Minotaur, though.
​

--- ​

"Servant Berserker, the dazzling lovestruck maiden Kiyohime! I'm so happy to see you again, Anchin-sama!"

Huh. First time I recognize a legendary Japanese figure immediately after summoning them. Also, hell the fuck no.

"Servant Assassin, by the power of my Command Seal, TAKE HER HEART!"

"Delusional Heartbeat: Zabaniya."

She doesn't have time to react before she keels over stone dead.

"What the Hell, Flynn?" and ooh, Marjani's pissed.

"Her entire legend centers around her tendency towards psychotic obsession that tends to culminate in her killing the object of her affections, and she was calling me by the name of her last murder victim. That was justifiable self-defence!"
​

---​

"Servant Lancer. True Name Cu Chulainn. Try to keep the orders reasonable, all right?"

"Oh, what the actual fuck."

 

I slump over the bar, cradling my drink with one hand.

"Cu, am I a bad person?"

The three separate versions of Cu Chulainn, whom I had mentally nicknamed "the Chul Kids," ran through a quick exchange via facial expression. Finally, Caster was selected as the group's spokesman.

"A little." Caster finally says. "You do bad things, but for a good cause. Like with that kid you kneecapped when we were raiding Dover. You do it because you have to, not because you enjoy it."

"But I do enjoy it." I sigh, and take another swig of my drink. "That's the thing, Cu. I enjoy it. I realized that today. I enjoy it."

Cu levels a neutral look at me for a moment or two before pouring himself a glass. "And what morally questionable act brought this on, if I may ask?"

"I had a woman killed today. Not a minute after I summoned her." I take another sip. "I don't regret it, she needed to die, far too unstable to work with. But at the same time, I enjoyed it. I relished the look of absolute betrayal and despair on her face as she died. I just... it's wrong, I know it's wrong, but I enjoy it. And... part of me wonders if the extremes I'm going to are something that I do because I want to, not because I have to. Like if I was a better man, I'd have found a better way."

Cu looks at me for a moment before polishing off his glass. He moves to refill it, but seems to think the better of it, and brings the bottle of whiskey to his lips and chugs the whole thing down. Thus fortified, he offers his advice, ignoring the protests of his two alternates. "I'm not sure that enjoying it makes you a bad person."

"How so?"

"I enjoyed it. The killing, I mean." He looks me in the eye. "I loved fighting more, but there was still something... viscerally satisfying about looking into an enemy's eyes as the light left them." The other two nod in agreement. "But killing those people was necessary. To defend Ulster, and to prove my honor. I don't regret most of the people I've killed. And make no mistake, Master. I killed hundreds. But because I killed hundreds, my homeland was saved. And I don't think I could have done that if I didn't enjoy fighting. If I didn't enjoy killing. Enjoying the dirty necessities doesn't precisely make you a bad person. It makes you someone who can do what needs to be done and come out sane. So no. I don't think you're all that bad a guy."

"Thanks, Cu."

"Anytime."

"Can I get a refill?"

"Nope. Just drank the last booze."

"You dick!"

 

"And so, the Third Singularity is only a few days from being located." Roman concludes. It's been two weeks since we resolved the Orleans Singularity, and morale's been running high. So, honestly, the weekly meeting of us section heads has been running smoothly. It's also a tad boring, and I'm having to make a conscious effort to not fidget with the sleeves of my uniform. My ADHD meds running out has not been helpful in the slightest. But, well, I manage. Honestly, it turns out that the knowledge that every other human being on the planet is dead, including my own family, is an excellent aid for maintaining focus. Who knew?

"That concludes our current progress on the war against Incineration." Roman announces. "Now, onto our supplies. How are they looking?"

Da Vinci takes over. "Food-wise, we're fine. Especially since Touta started helping out in the kitchens."

"I'm sorry, who?"

."Tawara Touta. Archer-class servant. You summoned him few weeks ago?" she offers, looking at me with some slight disappointment.

"Right. Him. Sorry, I'm starting to have trouble keeping track of them." I sigh. "Also, I've summoned a few Servants that might be potential security risks. I can put them down if they start endangering themselves or others, but I'll forward you a list so you can keep an eye on them."

"That's... remarkably cold of you." Roman offers. All of the staff are looking at me a bit warily.

I suppose that announcing that I'm prepared to summarily execute several people does sound a bit worrying.

"This mission is, quite literally, the most important endeavor in human history," I point out. "Mostly because, if it fails, there will be no more human history. Every remaining staff member is essential, and there are only twenty-five of us left. A slow response time in the event of a Servant going rogue could whittle that number down by half. I have no intention of endangering humanity's survival in order to be more accommodating to some of the most vicious psychopaths and murderers in human history, which, just to be clear, are the ones on this list. I know this seems paranoid. But these people are the ones I consider most likely to be a problem, so I'm keeping an eye on them."

Nods all around the table. They're uncomfortable about this, but they acknowledge it as necessary. I suppose that's the best I'll get.

"So. I believe we were discussing supplies?"

"Yes." Da Vinci looks a bit disquieted, but pulls herself together and carries on as normal. "Food's holding up well. However, a few food supplies, such as the alcohol, are already out again."

"I knew we shouldn't have given Cu Chulainn unrestricted access to the bar." Roman mutters.

"To be fair," I interject. "Our supplies of alcohol were restocked with his consumption rate in mind. We just didn't anticipate there suddenly being three of him."

"Beyond matters of sustenance, the repair crews need more metal. We also need a forge, or some sort of smelter. We've had to improvise with magecraft, but frankly, it's a bit of a waste of resources to use magecraft where perfectly mundane supplies would suffice. Beyond that, there's also our need for magical reagents. Further on the matter of supplies, we still need more clothing. The cloth we looted from Dover is rough, but useable, but it won't last long. It's not an immediate concern, but if we could get a half-decent supply of clothes and set up one of Hundred Face's bodies as a tailor, we can prevent a minor concern from growing into an eventual major problem."

"Reasonable enough." I look around the table. "Looks like we'll have to launch another raid. Low-priority at the moment, though. Actually, we might be able to just pick up the necessary supplies from the Rome Singularity. That work for you, Roman?"

He nods. "Fine by me."

"On the subject of the Rome Singularity, will Shielder be able to deploy with me?" I rather miss having her around, even if I only had a short time to get used to it.

"Well, yes," Roman's rubbing the back of his head. Bad news, then. "But there's a problem."

"She's not still dying, right?"

"No," Da Vinci interjects. "We managed to prevent her personality from being overwritten by reinforcing the conceptual distinction between Mash and Galahad as two separate existences. Unfortunately, this means that Mash has transformed from a girl capable of drawing on the power and Saint Graph of the Heroic Spirit Galahad to a girl capable of transforming into the Heroic Spirit Galahad."

"So, she's still around, but when she uses her Servant abilities, Galahad takes the driver's seat." I repeat, mostly to make sure I parsed out Da Vinci's magibabble correctly. "Has he refused to work with me?"

"He has expressed a willingness to tolerate you, and take your orders so long as they remain reasonable and moral." Roman offers. "Admittedly, he also comes with the benefit of Mash serving as his power source, so he can be brought along without exceeding the six-Servant limit."

"If he can put up with me, I can put up with him." I look around. "That everything?"

"Yeah."

"Right. I'm off then. I figure I should probably get to know this Touta guy. Make up for my previous ignorance of his existence."

And like that, I'm off.

 

The Rayshift room is lively, and I can't stop grinning. Mash is here. We haven't really talked yet, but I'm glad to see her up and on her feet. Galahad will be joining us in the Singularity, so she's enjoying what could be the last time she'll be in control of her body for a while. Below me, my team, consisting of Sasaki Kojirou, Cursed Arm, Xuanzang, Georgios, Vlad, and Tamamo are all assembled and ready for a proper fight. Roman's at the console with Da Vinci at his side, ready for the Rayshift. But that's not why I'm happy.

Finally, finally, we're going into a Singularity I won't need a translator for! At long last, the years I spent on a language deader than disco have finally paid off! Who's laughing at my choice of electives now, Sis? Spoilers: IT'S MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HAHAHAHAHA! When I finish saving the world and un-burnifying you, I am totally rubbing this in your face! '

I can't wait! We've agreed that we can Rayshift materials out of this Singularity, so I'm pretty sure that I can finagle them into helping me Rayshift out some of the lost texts! I can finally bring forth the lost poems of Ovid! The missing histories and sources! The original copies of all our extant sources! At long last, I live the dream of every Classical historian ever, and can recover all the sources we would give our arms for! Sure, I'll never be able to publish them academically, but at least I'll have them. Maybe if I'm really lucky I can show them to my high school Latin teacher and completely make her day.

To tell the truth, the only real downside to this mission is that it's in the Imperial era. More specifically, the reign of Emperor Nero, easily one of my least favorite Roman emperors. Not as bad as Tiberius, but Tiberius raped babies, so that's an extremely low bar to clear.

But still. I'm getting an opportunity literally ripped straight out of my wildest dreams, so I shouldn't be complaining. Not likely that I'll have to actually deal with Nero, after all. He was a noted coward. Never went on campaign even once, happier winning the people's affections by playing at being a celebrity than by actually acting like an emperor. In all likelihood, he'll stay back to cower in Rome, leaving military matters to the people who are actually good at them.

"Alright, people. It's time to preserve the history of Western Civilization." I grin. "And remember: When in Rome, do as the Romans do."

That one actually gets a laugh, as we head into our Klein Coffins. I fold my arms across my chest, and wait for the light to take me away.

--​

"My God, this meadow is very green," I note, staring out from the hill we landed upon.

"Spare the Lord your witticisms, worm. He has suffered enough on the Cross, there is no need to add having to listen to your pathetic attempts at humor to his burdens." annnnnnd there's Galahad.

"Indeed. How's that stolen body fitting you? I'm sure it's quite disconcerting, to lose your manhood in this form." I turn to look at him, and yup, still got Mash's body and voice. And her outfit.

"Unlike you, worm, I need not the trappings of gender to prop up my fragile ego. No matter what lies between my legs, I am still a man without equal."

"True. And it's not like you were ever going to be using the old box and tackle for much, so why mourn its loss?" And he actually reacts to that one. Point me.

Vlad clears his throat, and we both start as we realize we had an audience. "Fascinating as this little... squabble is, perhaps we should proceed to actually move on to the mission proper?"

The other Servants are there, too. Tamamo looks amused, Georgios and Xuanzang disappointed, and the rest I can't read. Vlad, for his part, is maintaining a meticulously neutral façade as he regards us.

"Fair enough. Roman, ring sighted, just like the last one." I get a sound of acknowledgement, and turn to look out over my surroundings. "Road nearby. Roman? Our location?"

"That's the Via Postumia. You're in Northern Italy. I think you're fairly close to Rome, though."

"Right. First things first, we find someone and ask for directions."

"How about them?" Galahad points and- Is that a Roman legion? And at the marching legion's heart is a litter, with curtains in imperial purple, covered in golden working and carried by four sturdy looking slaves. The sight of the litter quells my inner fanboy something fierce.

Alright. I can work with this. But... hm. "Hassan, scout it out."

And so we wait, until Hassan reports back. 'This legion is led by the Emperor Nero. From what I have heard, she is marching north to intercept a small invading force from a splinter faction known as the United Roman Empire.'

'She?'

'All adjectives used to refer to her have taken the feminine gender.'

I stop for a moment, before I burst out laughing.

"What's so funny, worm?"

"'Rome has suffered the tyranny of three women: Messalina, Aggrippina, and Nero!' He was being literal! h-h-He was being literal." I double over, haplessly wheezing and still cackling like a madman, laughing so hard my eyes begin to tear up.

"Worm?" Galahad is starting to look kind of fuzzy, now, and-

I pass out.