"Who's a good girl? It's you! You're such a good girl!" I coo, ruffling Foxmamo's ears, before sighing. "Okay, yeah, it's not working. You're fluffy and all, but it's just not the same."
She shifts back to her human-ish form and pouts. "But Master, I'm sure I can-"
"Look, I know, you're trying, but..." I think on it for a bit. "It's just not the same. For starters, you're a fox, not a dog, and trust me, the difference is extremely clear. Secondly, you're sapient, and I know you're sapient, and that just makes it weird. Lastly, even if I could forget the first two and pretend you're just a dog, you're not one of
my dogs. You can't replace them." She looks crestfallen, so I sigh and throw her a bone. "We can still go through with the whole 'therapy fox' idea. Just because it doesn't work for me doesn't mean it won't work for everyone."
"Alright, Master," she agrees, perking up a bit. "I'll head back to the cafeteria kitchens, now, if you don't need me for anything else!"
"Just make sure to wear your hairnet. Picking hair out of my food is bad enough, I'd really rather not add fur into the mix."
She nods, and then runs off, while I sigh and turn to my self-appointed personal assistant.
"Mash, what's next on the agenda?"
"Summoning, Senpai!" she informs me cheerfully.
"You do know that you don't have to spend your time running around with me, right?" I ask.
"Yes, but I want to spend time with you, Senpai!"
"Well, your time, your choice." I sigh, then think of something. "Is that Fou creature still around? Do you think he's work for the therapy dog idea?" Come to think of it, what happened to the little thing? Did we eat it?
"Oh, he's still around, Senpai!" she informs me brightly. "He doesn't seem to like you or Galahad much, though. He runs away whenever you're around."
Heh. Can't blame him. But, for now, self-loathing can wait. It's summoning time.
---
"Right. Nine failures, last shot. Marjani! Fire it up!" I raise a hand dramatically. No real reason to, but I am a bit of a ham at heart.
She nods, flipping the appropriate switches and levers as the rings start to spin once more. In front of me, Cu (Lancer Junior), Asterios, and Cursed Arm all stand at the ready.
A figure forms in the light, and as the light clears... oh, no.
"Rejoice, mortals!" Caligula proclaims, posing dramatically. "For a god has seen your workings, and blessed you with his presence!"
Right, pull it together, Charlie. That Imperial Privilege of his could make him the perfect handyman, if you can play him well enough. A shower that's above room temperature is within your reach!
"Emperor Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus?" I begin, laying on the flattery. Let's see, how many of those ridiculous cognomens of his can I remember? "Pius? Pater exercituum? Filius castrorum? Truly, we are blessed beyond all reason to have one of your divine stature among us."
Mash and Cu are both giving me looks, but I keep my face straight.
"Truly, you are insightful to know my divine presence at a sight, my Master!" Caligula bellows jovially. "Your wit is as tight and firm as my sister's vagina!"
I- how do you respond to that? How the actual hell do you respond to that?
As I reel from Caligula's attempt at a compliment, he walks past me.
-I mean, Jesus Christ, that's just wrong on
so many levels! Who the Hell says something like that? Wait, hold on, is he already gone? Shit.
"Okay!" I call, rousing the others from their worried circle about me. "We need to track him down and get him properly settled in! Marjani-" she's staring at the wall, looking about as shell-shocked as I was. "-page Roman and Da Vinci to warn them, and then take the rest of the day off. Recover from your Caligula overdose. Servants, Mash, with me!"
---
We've just finished canvassing the second floor (home to the Summoning Chamber) when we hear the explosions and the screaming. I turn to Cursed Arm. "Caligula?"
"Caligula."
"Double time, people!" I take the opportunity to send a quick mental message to my Servants. '
Gaius Caligula has been summoned, and is loose in the facility. Anyone who has eyes on him, feel free to tell me now, because I can already hear explosions.'
'
I can see him.' Spartacus sends to me, his mind feeling unusually contemplative, as if he's mulling over some great problem.
'
Where is he, and what is he doing?' I send back.
'
He is just outside of the base of Erik and I's Occupy the Admin Break Room movement.' Spartacus pauses. '
And he is currently getting beaten to a bloody pulp by Erik.'
"Admin Break Room!" I call to my posse, making a beeline for it.
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Erik
roars, his voice reverberating through my very
bones as I round the corner and look at the bloodbath.
The Viking King and the Roman Emperor both look the worse for the wear. Caligula's covered in axe wounds, and Erik looks just as bad off, his entire body covered in ugly bruises and contusions. But Erik's still standing, powering through his wounds, while Caligula is severely hampered by his own injuries, one of his arms barely able to move. But still, they hammer away at each other, face split into snarling, rabid fury, each caring not one whit for their own survival, only that the other perishes. Caligula is on the defensive now, pushed back as Erik's axe keeps falling, again and again. He tries to strike back, but he can't, his fists no good against an actual weapon, his technique that of a boxer and not a martial artist, all strength and savagery, devoid of the subtlety and skill that let the weak defeat the strong.
"Charlie!" Roman calls over my communicator. "Servants are fighting!"
"I have eyes on them now." I reply coolly. "And the walls they broke through. How are they able to fight, by the way? I thought their mana flow was restricted in Chaldea."
The rest of my posse runs down to join me, but I hold up my hand to restrain them.
Between the two berserkers, I'd pick the one that I could keep under control. Thus far, that seemed to be Erik, and since he was winning, I could probably dispose of Caligula without needing a Command Seal.
"We relaxed the restriction a bit to let your guards in the Summoning Chamber function. We're closing the loophole now!" Roman answers.
I duck my head and lower my voice, so the others won't overhear. "Try to wait until after the fight wraps up? Erik's winning."
"Why?"
"I'm starting to think I can't control Caligula. Erik killing him lets me play it off as something unconnected to me."
"You're a cold bastard, Flynn."
"Flatterer."
Erik's axe descends, his roar of triumphant fury leaving my ears ringing, as he finally gets his opening, his axe cleaving into Caligula's chest and sending the Emperor staggering into the wall behind him, his face a rictus of shock and pain. And then Erik lunges forwards, his axe hacking away at the Emperor until nothing remains but dissolving blood and viscera, roaring all the while.
A minute after the fact, Erik seems to realize that his opponent's dead, blinking, and calming himself.
Good thing, too. He's already punched a hole in three separate walls during his fight with Spartacus, and it was looking like he was going to tack on a fourth to that count.
Roman's gonna be pissed.
I start clapping, and Erik turns to look at me, suddenly looking a lot more panicked than previously.
"Bravo! You really showed all those walls what for!" Erik's panic shifts into guilt, and I turn to Spartacus, who's standing on the sidelines of the fight with a contemplative look on his face. "Hey, Spartacus? Would you mind telling me what the hell started this?" My tone takes on a dangerous edge. "And why you didn't intervene to break it up?"
He turns to look at me, his brow unfurrowing as he evidently sets his conundrum aside. "Erik and I were in the breakroom, valiantly resisting oppression, when the Emperor Gaius Caligula entered."
"And you knew it was him because..."
"He loudly announced his presence, while simultaneously proclaiming himself a god."
"Yeah. Figures. What happened next?"
"I was reluctant to accommodate him, seeing as he was a Roman oppressor, but Erik was more welcoming. He offered Caligula a chair, at which point Caligula said that he would sleep with Erik's wife as thanks." Spartacus frowns. "That was when Erik started screaming bloody murder and trying to kill Caligula."
"And you didn't try to stop this because..."
"I was unsure who was the greater oppressor." Spartacus tells me solemnly. "Certainly, Erik had violently attacked Caligula over his words, repressing his freedom to speech and life, but at the same time, Caligula was a Roman oppressor, who had stated that he would sleep with Erik's wife, with no regard for Erik's wife's personal feelings on the matter. I could not intervene until I had determined who was being oppressed."
I sigh. "Well, I'm proud of you for learning moral relativism, buddy." I turn to Erik, who can't bring himself to look me in the eye. "Erik."
"Yes, Master?"
"You'll be helping to repair the damage you caused."
"Yes, Master."
"And if you ever pull something like this again, I will have you terminated on the spot."
"Understood."
"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an emergency meeting to attend, and some tempers to soothe." I turn to Mash, who's still frozen, staring at where Caligula was ripped into shreds. "Mash?"
"Yes, Senpai?" she asks in a small voice, not looking at me.
"If you're feeling up to it, could you talk to the various experts and get me some rough estimates of how much time and manpower the repairs will take?" I ask gently. "If not, go talk to Caster at the bar. Take the rest of the day off."
She nods, and heads off, not telling me which of the options she's taking.
As for myself, I square my shoulders and head on up for a very uncomfortable staff meeting.
