Nugar
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2015
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How in the fu-
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Ummm, she knows about agents because you said double agents Frankie."It seems that there's been a rash of betrayal and double agents," Frankie admitted.
"It might be good that we didn't get a mother assigned to us if that's the case," I mused as I made some tea. I had to climb up a stool to reach things, but I could do it. "If you had another agent for a wife and she betrayed us, we could all end up shot. I know it's a problem, but I'd like to avoid the risk of a traitor."
Hmm, but I can read minds. Would I be able to catch her before she betrayed us? People don't think about everything they're doing all of the time. In fact, whenever we're pretending to be father and daughter, even Loid's thoughts wouldn't necessarily give him away. He doesn't think things like, 'Oh, here I am with my pretend daughter.' He sinks himself into the mindset.
Really, the only unusual thing about his mental voices, compared to those around him, is how alert he is, always watching and mentally cataloging things like whether or not someone is likely to be armed, or if details don't match appearances.
Frankie took a cup of tea from me, then didn't quite do a spit take.
Huh? Did I say something?
"How do you know about agents?" he blurted.
Interesting that Yor doesn't even feel the need to mention the allergy issue she had with the stump which Anya talked about.
Huh. I had assumed that it was showing their differing perspectives - while Anya considered it important, Yor didn't even feel a case of the sniffles was worth mentioning given what she routinely goes through on the job.Ah. I should edit the next chapter to explain more of that. There are allergy problems, but right now the stump is fresh from the woods and still damp. It dries out when they get it home and releases spores, so they have to kick it outside until they deal with the mold.
Was doing a re-read and this part jumped out at me. Why is Frankie shocked at her talking about agents when both he and Loid were openly discussing the subject right in front of her in the previous paragraphs?Loid ignored his whining. "Actually, things are tough all over. With the loss of so many female agents, and agents in general, they're sending even more missions my way. Short, simple missions, but it's still cutting into my prep time for this."
He had been disappearing pretty often, at all times of the night and day. I focused on my studies, but had plenty of time for reading, and I had even watched a little bit of TV. The news was interesting from a propaganda perspective, but what passed for entertainment was fun only in the 'wow this is so bad' sort of way.
"It seems that there's been a rash of betrayal and double agents," Frankie admitted.
"It might be good that we didn't get a mother assigned to us if that's the case," I mused as I made some tea. I had to climb up a stool to reach things, but I could do it. "If you had another agent for a wife and she betrayed us, we could all end up shot. I know it's a problem, but I'd like to avoid the risk of a traitor."
[...]
Frankie took a cup of tea from me, then didn't quite do a spit take.
Huh? Did I say something?
"How do you know about agents?" he blurted.
Was doing a re-read and this part jumped out at me. Why is Frankie shocked at her talking about agents when both he and Loid were openly discussing the subject right in front of her in the previous paragraphs?
Okay, can you point out, just for the purposes of proofreading, which bits of that scene were not actually voice? Because I'm having trouble finding a coherent way of interpreting the scene: if they said anything about double-agents aloud, then Frankie's reaction should be 'oh shit we said that in front of you' instead of 'you know about agents?'. But if everything they 'said' about double-agents was actually unvoiced thoughts, then Anya's comment would be a complete non-sequitur from their perspective, and Frankie's reaction still doesn't make sense.Because they got comfortable enough with her to forget she was there, and also, yes, she did absently reply to comments that were actually thoughts. I'm leaving it ambiguous for now because it's part of a long term setup where she realizes its a problem.
Okay, can you point out, just for the purposes of proofreading, which bits of that scene were not actually voice? Because I'm having trouble finding a coherent way of interpreting the scene: if they said anything about double-agents aloud, then Frankie's reaction should be 'oh shit we said that in front of you' instead of 'you know about agents?'. But if everything they 'said' about double-agents was actually unvoiced thoughts, then Anya's comment would be a complete non-sequitur from their perspective, and Frankie's reaction still doesn't make sense.
In that case, I'd suggest rephasing Frankie's response - less 'how do you know about agents' and more 'oh shit you're in the room I shouldn't have said that'.That's a good point, and here it is cleaned up. Franky was the one that actually screwed up and said 'agent' out loud, but Loid didn't comment on it because he already suspected Anya knew. Anya's lack of surprise when Franky said agent is another data point to Loid, as he starts realizing what Anya is like and can do.
In that case, I'd suggest rephasing Frankie's response - less 'how do you know about agents' and more 'oh shit you're in the room I shouldn't have said that'.
Right now it makes him sound like an idiot for questioning how she knows about something he just spoke about. Even if he didn't realize he was speaking aloud, there's no way for the reader to know that.I didn't because he didn't realize he'd said it, even with the immediate reminder. I could add a Loid comment about it, if that'd help.
Well to be fair what can the Si do that changes anything till they join the school? Anya is technically 4 or 5 not a whole lot of things she could do while supervised and it's not like she can change loid and yor's personalities. This is like episode 4 of the anime. My only grip with this stories is when the Si says girls are just as strong as boys, which even in this anime world isn't true, yor being the exception not the rule. Even in the younger years boys are typically stronger than a girl their same age due to testosterone, and the few exceptions are girls with an elevated amount in thier system growing in the womb.I generally liked what I read, but it seems to be falling into the same kind of rut I see a lot of other SI-type fics falling into, which is just that. It's following the main story. Except the main character made it better. You're rehashing the original, while simultaneously losing some of the edge and tension of the original since it's going better, while not introducing anything new to replace that.
I do see some ways the plot might go more off the rails or to introduce some different plot shenanigans though. New-Anya being unable to replicate the relationships of canon Anya with Becky or Desmond would be most simple, a detriment to the Plan caused by Anya not being, well, a child who gets along with children. Maybe she could be garnering rivalries or disfavor with either other child prodigies or with distinguished families who don't like the idea of commoner muscling in so brazenly. Or possibly attracting the attention of the organization that experimented on Anya - though that one would require a hefty dose of making stuff up that can be contradicted by later canon.
Imma keep reading though, since the technical writing is decent and I enjoy new Anya's antics, but I hope you have plans to spice things up a bit more and throw in a couple curveballs.
Okay let's do this.Well to be fair what can the Si do that changes anything till they join the school? Anya is technically 4 or 5 not a whole lot of things she could do while supervised and it's not like she can change loid and yor's personalities. This is like episode 4 of the anime.
This is a very specific beef and you should probably do some self reflection why you care so much about this. :/My only grip with this stories is when the Si says girls are just as strong as boys, which even in this anime world isn't true, yor being the exception not the rule. Even in the younger years boys are typically stronger than a girl their same age due to testosterone, and the few exceptions are girls with an elevated amount in thier system growing in the womb.
In that case, I'd suggest rephasing Frankie's response - less 'how do you know about agents' and more 'oh shit you're in the room I shouldn't have said that'.
I generally liked what I read, but it seems to be falling into the same kind of rut I see a lot of other SI-type fics falling into, which is just that. It's following the main story. Except the main character made it better. You're rehashing the original, while simultaneously losing some of the edge and tension of the original since it's going better, while not introducing anything new to replace that.
I do see some ways the plot might go more off the rails or to introduce some different plot shenanigans though. New-Anya being unable to replicate the relationships of canon Anya with Becky or Desmond would be most simple, a detriment to the Plan caused by Anya not being, well, a child who gets along with children. Maybe she could be garnering rivalries or disfavor with either other child prodigies or with distinguished families who don't like the idea of commoner muscling in so brazenly. Or possibly attracting the attention of the organization that experimented on Anya - though that one would require a hefty dose of making stuff up that can be contradicted by later canon.
Imma keep reading though, since the technical writing is decent and I enjoy new Anya's antics, but I hope you have plans to spice things up a bit more and throw in a couple curveballs.
Did you know that medicaid limits you to 6 medications a month that they'll pay for? Because they do. What do you do when you need more than six?
Beyblade, beyblade, let it riiiiiip~!Her idea for the 'Spin Duelists' and associated 'Fairy Flier' weren't too bad, until she proudly showed them the design for the dual use launcher, which would drop the spinning top, or release the flying doll respectively. But, sure. No one would believe that she really designed that on her own, clearly some adult had a hand in it.
Beyblade, beyblade, let it riiiiiip~!
Inb4 actual supernatural magic starts getting attached to those spinning tops, forcing Anya and friends to go on a globe-trotting tournament to stomp out a cabal.
Though... my brain ain't quite connecting the dots on the Fairy Flier...
Those nineties toys where you pull a ripcord and send a helicopter blade, sometimes with figure attached, spinning like six feet in the air, I think.
I can't help but think Loid is going to dig into the orphanage and find out Anya has been to multiples and come to the (partially correct) conclusion that Anya wears a mask because she's seen the worst of people, even if he doesn't become aware of the telepathy.
She told him about a foster family that sucked and actual adopted parents... that sucked.
...Oh yeah, I think I saw those as a kid.Those nineties toys where you pull a ripcord and send a helicopter blade, sometimes with figure attached, spinning like six feet in the air, I think.