OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

No Shirt, No Pants, No Service.

"I'm very thankful to all of you, for taking care of Chisame and Haruka-san this whole time," Negi said before they started eating. Well, Natsu and Happy already were digging in like a pair of hungry wolves. But regardless. "However... Gray-san, may I ask a favor from you?"

"Hm?" Gray raised an eyebrow. "Sure thing, what is it?"

"This unconscious habit of yours of stripping, even if it's not something you truly are guilty of..." he began shyly, eventually gaining more and more of a dangerous edge with each word, "... I truly hope it hasn't been much of an issue before Chisame and Haruka-san, I would just hate for them being exposed to that regularly..."

"Well, actually..." Haruka began right before a very tense and alarmed Chisame slammed a hand tightly on her mouth.

Gray's eyebrow began twitching as a black aura began manifesting from Negi's body, his voice still steady and serene, but also eerily sinister and borderline threatening, despite his strange lack of expression. "And I also would expect that, somehow, you might find it in you to restrain yourself from ever doing that in the presence of them... For instance, I believe I might be somewhat displeased if you were to rise from this table with your shame showing in front of them..."

By now even Erza was very silent and wide eyed, as Wendy shuddered and clung to her.

Gray gave a slight gulp, then nodded very quietly and began eating meekly.

"You aren't very fun to have around, are you Professor," Juvia finally said, after a dinner of Gray being fully clothed and unusually distant, much to Natsu's puzzlement.

 

Oniisama.

"Master, Vigilante, Rin-san, this is Herman, my older brother," Fran introduced them. "And this is my sister-in-law Lily, and nephew Eddie, cousin Marilyn, and the Grandfather..."

Rin closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her own nose. "Arika-sama was right after all, we've going way too far with these crossovers."

 

The World is Moving.

Shortly after summer, Negi-sensei moved out of the dorms.

He brought some of his students along, of course. That stuck up ponytailed girl with the glasses, and her mad scientist friend, and Matoi-chan, of course. Those three librarians including Harumi's clubmate, and that rich girl, and those three cheerleader bimbos, and the nun in training and her kid friend.

They set up in Mikado-sensei's house, and at first we thought nothing of it. It took me a while to learn the Vice Prez and her secretary had moved there too, because I'm not too connected to the rumor mill. I'd always though the VP would just move away after graduating, but apparently not, and she'll be working here or something. Our own graduation was approaching, so I didn't pay a lot of attention to that.

The news were all over the media, of mankind making contact with some magical aliens from Mars, and suddenly Lala-san wasn't so strange looking anymore-- she had moved in with Mikado-sensei as well, by the way-- and we all had more pressing things to worry about. Ai-chan was closer to Sensei than ever, and Chiri-chan, as usual, was angry, but as the weeks passed, I could see that she, too, was moving on.

The days were growing colder and grayer as we moved through the autumn, and then the winter, but also, in a way, more reassuring. At least, it felt that way to me. Occasionally, I would visit Matoi-chan and learn someone else had moved in with them-- the Perverted Beast of Mahora, some rather pushy pink haired little girl, a really creepy girl with glasses, some maids the rich kouhai had apparently brought along-- but overall, for some reason, those things had somewhat stopped affecting me for the most part.

I've decided I'm going to study Law. That's a normal career for a normal young woman in this day and age, but I don't really care anymore. I suppose there's a lot of money to be made from that choice now, what with all the litigations and opportunities these weird reveals have brought upon the world.

The other day, shortly after getting settled in my college dorm, Matoi-chan called me.

"Nami-chan?" she said. "I wanted you and Ai-chan to know before anyone else in the class... I'm going to have a baby."

"Oh," I smiled, finding that funny for some reason. "Is it Chisame-san's?"

"W-Well, actually..."

No, I don't have a problem with being normal anymore. I imagine it's better that way.

Then again, regardless, perhaps now being normal is the new abnormality.

 

Make them Leg for It.

"Please forgive me for saying this, but that prothesis is somewhat crude looking," Chachamaru said, looking down at Della's artificial leg. "If you would like, I could tell my mother to give you an updated replacement."

Della laughed lightly. "Ah, thank you, but no, this has sufficed me for years now, and I've grown attached to it! It suits me fine, why should I wish for anyth--"

"Would you want it to shoot lasers or missiles?" Chachamaru asked.

Della's beak froze open, and her eyes shone.

"... can't it be both?" she finally asked back.

---

"Okay, but doesn't it let you fly too?" Louie asked, hands in his pockets as he examined it closely.

"I'd need to saw the other leg off so I can get a jet in that one too!" Della said excitedly. "I told Satomi I'd think about it!"

Fire extinguisher in hand, Donald paused in his labor of putting the front lawn of the manor off before Scrooge returned. "Don't you even dare...!"

 

The Pecking Order.

"Okay," Matoi said, pacing back and forth before them. "I go away for a couple of weeks, and this happens, because of course it would. Okay, you made alliances with Negi-sama. That can't be undone, I guess..."

"Actually, it can, you only need to ask Chamo-san to--" Yue began.

"You, I have no major issue with," Matoi interrupted her, still not looking at her, "you know how the score goes. It's the other three of you who need to know. Chisame-sama came first, she's the primary partner, and as such, you owe obedience to her now..."

Louise frowned. "What is this about, now? Even she didn't mention anything like that, she--"

"Chisame-sama is just that benevolent," Matoi interrupted sharply, "and besides, no doubt she expects for you to be aware of it. No matter if you are a noble, a duck, or you came from another dimension, all your romantic advances take a backseat to Chisame-sama's will, and--"

"Romantic what?!" Lena gasped.

"Don't interrupt, that's in bad education," Tsunetsuki chided her, despite having just done that twice herself. "Chisame-sama has spent much longer serving Negi-sama's needs and aiding his cause than any of you have, and thus, if I ever learn you have abused her absence to get unfair privileges of proximity to Negi-sama, I will act accordingly."

"You take many liberties appointing yourself as the representative of Fat-- Negi-sensei and that girl," Akane pointed out in annoyance. "Who are you, her second at command? Were you the second ever to kiss him?"

"Goodness, no, his lips have never touched mine, I wouldn't dream of taking that from Chisame-sama without her consent," the older girl said. "But I would respect the alpha's priority over the secondary if that were the case, since I am a woman of honor and--"

"Matoi-chan, sorry to disturb you, but could you please bring me a drink, some snacks, and c-come here to give me a foot massage, p-please?" Ai's voice asked from the next room. "I apologize in advance, so much, b-but it's been a trying day...!"

Yue's eyes widened as Matoi deflated in a sigh. "You and Itoshiki-sensei...?"

"This has a perfectly good explanation that I will cover properly later," she promised bitterly before leaving the room.

Louise, Lena and Akane all looked at the still surprised Yue.

"How many... How many are there in this 'hierarchy' above us?" Lena asked at last, dreading the answer.

Misa peeked in, wearing only a towel wrapped around her body. "Hey, one of you, I need to have my back washed in the bath. Let's see, your hands look too strong, yours will most likely leave feathers everywhere, and you're Louise the Zero... yeah, you'll do, Ayase, bring your butt here already..."

 

Prisoner Hizzoner.

"Oh my Gawd," Touji said as Chao opened the doors. "What have you done now?!"

"They have meddled through the tournament, threatening the whole project," Chao said, standing before the two captives. "I'm telling you this just so you can be aware they are in the base, and to be prepared for the event of an escape, but--"

"An escape? You mean a lynch mob breakin' in an' killin' us over dis!" Touji panicked, his accent going into overdrive. "The second anyone learns we've got Death Glasses-sensei here they'll come f'r our blood! Dis guy's too popular!"

Takahata smiled. "Ah, you're exaggerating. I have my fair share of detractors as well..."

Kensuke blinked. "I don't get it. Why did you capture a Batman cosplayer too?"

"This is the real Batman-ne," Chao said flatly.

"No, let's be serious here, this guy's too small to be Batman," Kensuke frowned. "Everybody knows Batman is over two meters tall, and has fangs..."

"Shut up, nerd," Asuka snapped at him, looking up and down at both bound men. "But yeah, Chao, this gotta be an impostor you found snooping around, right? I... I don't think you could get the drop on the real Batman, I mean, look at him! If he's Batman, why hasn't he escaped and drank our blood yet?!"

Takahata gave him an amused side glance. "You really need working on that reputation."

"No, I don't."

Chao cleared her throat. "Anyway!" she told her three followers. "Don't worry about them breaking out until they do, the Tanakas will be standing guard. I don't want you approaching these cells at any given time, ever." She glanced back at Batman over her shoulder. "This isn't the Injustice League, and Asuka-chan's not Cheetah, got that?"

"Hrnh. She likes him better anyway, he's the one you should be worried about."

"Me?" Takahata blinked.

"She's just like Asuna."

"Oh, no, no, believe me, she's nothing at all like Asuna-kun..."

"Of, of course I'm not!" Asuka gasped. "I'm nothing at all like that stupid, vapid, 3-A dwelling airhead-- Wait, where do you know her from anyway?!"

"We fought a demon god together in Kyoto. Why do you ask?"

Asuka stared on, wide eyed. "I see..."

"Okay, if he's really Batman, why don't we take his mask an' see who's he?" Touji asked.

"Touji, no!" Aida gasped in horror. "Are you insane?! That's asking to be killed, anyone with a passing knowledge of vigilante lore knows what happens when you unmask one?!"

Chao rolled her eyes. "Oh please, he's got a rigid No Kill code, don't let urban legends fool you..."

The Batman gave a little cruel smirk, making Kensuke, Asuka and Touji shudder.

"Stop doing that!" Chao protested.

"... they're just killing time at our expenses until they feel like breaking free, aren't they?" Kensuke guessed, giving a step back.

Chao sighed. "They won't manage it before the project is complete," she reassured them. "Now just head back to your sites and wait for the signals, will you?" she said, gesturing emphatically to shove them back out of the cell.

"... you really believe she likes me that way?" Takamichi asked when they were alone, now highly worried.

"You're her type," the World's Greatest Detective coldly said.

He shivered slightly. "For the first since this all started, I'm actually afraid..."

 

Threesome.

The three strange, mismatched men broke into the room, and each gasped at the three figures in the bed.

"Helena!" Clayface III bellowed. "Oh, so they were right after all! How could you...?!"

"Mr. Scarface!" the Ventriloquist gulped.

The Joker blinked. "Captain Clown? Okay, this is too weird, even for me..." he said, before spinning around on his heels and walking away.

 

Extreme Measures.

"Having a bad day, Nariyuki-kun?" Konoemon-sensei asked sympathetically, passing by his borrowed desk.

"Sort of," the young acting tutor admitted, tapping his fingers on the stack of papers he'd been reviewing. "Please tell me, how did you cope with difficult students back when you were teaching?"

"Well..." the old man said, pensively rubbing his chin. "It was so long ago... Basically, we'd spank them repeatedly."

"...!" Nariyuki said, stiffening in place.

Konoemon shrugged. "It was another time. I cannot say a lie."

Taiga peeked in from the next office. "Well, Yuiga-kun, *I* just simply wallop them across the head with a sword, maybe you'd be more comfortable with that...?"

---

Somewhere else, while having lunch, Uruka bit on her lower lip. "Why do I feel a weird warmth on my bottom, all of a sudden...?"

Makie glared quietly from where she sat by Akira's side. "That kind of thing's only cute when Paru-chan does it..."

 

Why Did you Bring Me to Me?

The door rang, and Akane went to open.

Then she found herself staring at a younger, blushing Akane, who stood by a grinning Haruna.

"Hiya, Auntie!" the latter waved. "Sorry I didn't call before coming, but I thought nothing could prepare you for this, so why to bother, right? This is Akane-chan, whom Negi-kun brought from another dimension during our vacation, and now she's his newest girlfriend!"

"I, I'm not his--" the younger Akane began reluctantly, before her older counterpart heaved a long sigh.

"Thank goodness, for a moment I thought you'd drowned someone in the Spring of Drowned Akane..."

"I don't know what's scarier, that your first thought was she'd be perfectly able of something like that, that you didn't even blink at the idea of your dimensional doppelganger, or that you are telling me there's a spring where you drowned Kami knows when..."

"Easy there, she's the real Auntie Akane and not someone who was dunked there and whom Dad brought then from China," Haruna reassured. "Well, that's what they tell me anyway, it all happened before I was born..."

"-- on second thought, you still remain the scariest thing I've ever faced..." the other world's Akane was reminded.

 

You Have my Interest Now.

"This is serious," Kirei said, standing by the window. "These hooligan forces have just launched a mass attack upon the campus."

Gilgamesh and Shinji both shrugged apathetically from where they sat watching TV.

"If this goes on," the priest intoned solemnly, "the secrets of magic will be revealed to the whole world. Both the church and the associations will be thrown into chaos..."

"Who cares?" Shinji sneered. "Serves them right! Won't let me win the war, will you...?"

Kirei sighed. "This isn't the way I wanted the world to be thrown into disarray. It just lacks... the finality I was aiming for. Wouldn't you agree, Gilgamesh?"

"Mongrel, I'm not going to move on such a trifle," the King warned. "This isn't even half as serious as that stupid monster from that Caster cretin..."

"It would seem that the hooligan forces have robots that blow all clothes off young ladies with their special weapons," Kotomine further observed quietly. "How sinful..."

Shinji already was right behind him, looking intently over the priest's shoulder. "No kidding...?! Oh wow, you're right! That's Mitsuzuri? Where was she packing that ass all this time...?!"

"I'm still not forcing my hand to be wasted in this childish conflict, but it perhaps is worth witnessing up close and personal regardless," Gilgamesh decided, already heading for the door in full golden armor.

 

Name's the Same.

Chamo stared at her.

After several moments, the Saber lookalike addressed him harshly. "No. I'm not going to strip at any point now just because I share a name with him."

"Aw, dammit...!"

 

Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

---

Caster.

"Greetings," the gentleman introduced himself. "I am a Servant of the Caster class. My true name is Bram Stok--"

Before the sentence could be finished, Vlad had already flashed by and past Ritsuka, and stabbed his spear through the Caster's chest.

 

Top Ten Batman Projects After Batman: Three Jokers.

10. Two Two-Faces.

9. Nine Clayfaces-- no, wait, this already was canon.

8. Three Poison Ivys and a Baby.

7. Forty Killer Crocs and that's Terrible.

6. Too Many Harley Quinns.

5. 1001 Ra's al Ghuls.

4. Fifty Shades of Gray Ghost.

3. Twenty Thousand Penguins under the Sea.

2. The Three Little Professor Pygs.

1. Three More Jokers.

 

People are the Same Everywhere.

"Truth," Lena said.

Makie rubbed her chin. "Truth, huh? Let's see... Ah! Here's a truth I haven't said yet, it's about this time Yuuna, Ako and I were--"

Ako and Yuuna gasped. "Makie, no!" they chorused, but...

"--- and then Iinchou let the three of us out of the room, but only when she was sure the effect had passed," Makie finished while Ako and Yuuna brooded at a corner, faces ashen.

Akira blinked, rather pale. "Oh dear, I... I didn't know about any of this..."

Gosalyn rasped uneasily. "Maks, you still don't get it right, you're supposed to share your own secrets, not those you share with others already. Anyway, man, that's... something else, don't you think, you... what the heck's wrong with you three, now?"

Lena, Webby and Violet were just staring down very intently, all refusing to make eye contact with each other.

The other shoe dropped. "Oh, c'mon!" Gosalyn gasped. "So I'm your Akira, then?!"

 

That Didn't Go Like I Wanted.

Panel One:

"This is pointless..." Cocone said softly as they tiptoed towards the sleeping foursome resting under the tree.

"Quiet you..." Misora whispered back, smirking as she held four large, fake eggs in her arms.

Panel Two:

Webby, Lena, Violet and Gosalyn all looked on, wide eyed, at the eggs set between their legs.

"Okay, this... this is going to be difficult to explain..." Violet finally said.

Panel Three:

Hiding behind some bushes (three bushes-- according to the Ernie Bushmiller Law of Conservation of Detail in Comic Strips, two bushes are just a couple of them, and four or more are too many), Misora stiffled hysterical laughter back while slapping herself on a knee.

Cocone peeked over a bush. "Where are they going now...?"

Panel Four:

A very pale Negi gulped as they stood before him at his doorstep, each holding her egg in her arms. "Okay..." he finally said. "I, I'll take responsibility then, of course..."

In a small insert in the lower left of the panel, Misora was resting on the floor with Xs replacing her eyes, while Cocone tried to revive her.

 

Past Our Time.

"-- and I would've gotten away with it..." he spat angrily as the policemen shoved him into the car, "if not for you aging has-beens!"

---

"It was then that we decided we were too old for that kind of thing anymore," her mother finished, taking her glasses off and polishing them.

"I see..." Natsumi said.

 

That'll Leave a--

"Oh, this?" Chisame said while setting her clothes aside. "It's nothing, just a scratch from Minerva of the Sabertooth guild."

"Yeah, that happens over there," Haruna nodded as she sat into the water and pulled a corner of her lips aside. "See these? All of these molars are actually false, I lost the originals when my ship was bombarded by the enemy..."

"At least that was fast, they spent two hours branding me like this in jail," Yuuna grouched, pulling a thin layer of artificial skin off her right wrist and showing the red mark underneath. "Why did we save that world, again?"

Ako's stunned eyes wandered down to the somewhat similar, yet clearly different Misa had right above her most private frontal entrance.

"Don't ask," Misa warned.

Ako next looked in a shocked silence at Konoka, who just shrugged her shoulders. "They found me late in the game, by then I couldn't just heal all of that. So what was your summer like, Ako-chan?"

"I... I spent most of it working for Eva-san, actually..."

"Oh, sorry to hear 'bout that," Yuuna said. "That must've been awful, you should've come with us..."

 

A Piece of the Homeland.

"Evangeline-san," Ayaka asked, "as a Scottish native, you should know, does the Loch Ness creature exist? I just ask out of mere curiosity, as we have witnessed so many--"

"Don't be ridiculous, there is no prehistoric monster whatsoever in Loch Ness," Eva interrupted dryly. "The scientists have combed all through that lake for years, don't you think they'd have found something already?"

---

She approached the edge of the large lake, hidden in the woodland of Mahora, and threw a huge raw steak, which was caught by a pair of large snapping jaws.

"You owe me so much, you stupid beast..."

 

Gift of The Mage.

They both sat on the porch of Mikado's house, in a contemplative silence.

"How can you even..." Negi Tiberius asked at last, uneasily, "... well, you know? Do this at all?"

Negi John sighed. "We've gone through this before. I've received a formation and education that has prepared me psychologically for--"

"No, I mean physically," Negi Tiberius interrupted him. "As I understand, um, all creatures need to reach a certain age and development before being able to procreate."

"That was part of my education as well," his counterpart said without missing a beat. "I was given specific treatments to reach an earlier sexual maturity, so don't feel afraid you haven't reached that stage yet. It's perfectly natural."

Negi Tiberius frowned. "I wasn't saying I wanted that to happen yet..."

There was more silence then.

Negi John pulled a small package out of his breast pocket and held it quietly. "This is just a part of the treatment, of course, but you're older than me and should need less input to get there yourself. I'm sure you can examine the pills and distillate their components so you can replicate the effect."

"I don't want them," Negi Tiberius blushed, looking aside.

Negi John shoved them into Tiberius' own breast pocket regardless. "Just in case."

"Nnnngghhhh...!" he clenched and gritted his teeth.

---

He was back in Mundus Magicus now, ready to retake his own path after that strange detour. There was no need to pretend any measure of gratitude anymore, he could and should just toss the damned things down the toilet already.

Negi sat on the edge of his bed, looking at the small package set on the nighstand. Chisame slept in the next room. The rented house was eerily quiet, and nothing moved through it, except probably a stalking Tsukuyomi.

Negi sighed, pulled out a magical magnifying glass, and cracked open the first pill. He began studying its dusty contents while taking notes.

Just in case.

 

In the Blood.

"Oh, that man?" Itoshiki Rin said, sipping her tea while Negi looked at the portrait at the wall. "It's Itoshiki Sanji, our great-grandfather. He was an accomplished kamikaze pilot who crashed into and sank fifteen Yankee ships during the War."

Negi blinked. "Oh, I see. I was wondering why he looked so much like Nozomu-sens--"

"Don't talk about me as if I were dead yet, you damned Westerner!" an extremely old and whithered man barreled in from the next room in a wheelchair, crashing against Negi's seat. "Boom, I just sank your carrier...!"

 

Den 10.

"Ben!" Gwen said, punting his door's open. "Hurry up, haven't you transformed yet?! We've got to-- ai, yi yiiii..." she trailed off, eyes very open.

Omnitrix in hand, Ben stood there fully naked and also fully bald, in the new, extremely muscular form he had assumed. He was literally a Richard Corben painting come to life.

"Get naked," he said in a deep voice. "We're going out in an adventure."

That made no sense at all whatsoever, but for some reason Gwen found herself nodding quietly and beginning to strip down.

 

The Arkham Asylum Anime Society.

"I have to complain about Freezing," Victor deadpanned. "It disappointed every last one of my expectations..."

 

Kindred Souls.

"My favorite teacher besides Negi-kun?" Kakizaki hummed as Mafuyu passed by behind them, without being noticed. "Um, that would be... Mafuyu-sensei!"

The pink haired woman came to a sudden halt, eyes briefly bugging out, and then quickly retreated behind a pillar to keep overhearing.

"Well, that was unexpected," Kugimiya said. "And why's that, Misa?"

Kakizaki grinned. "Because she's also into younger men, of course!"

---

"Is... Is that what everyone thinks about me, really?!" she despaired, taking her hands to her head. "Please be honest with me! I need to know!"

Taiga sighed, then began pulling her jacket back on and called over to the waiter. "Check, please..."

"DON'T TRY TO JUST RUN AWAY FROM THIS!"

 

The Yukino Problem.

"We need to talk about Yukino already," Haruka said.

"Yes. Yes, we do," Juvia said coldly.

"I don't know what do you seem to have against me... but I have nothing whatsonever against your interest on her, as long as you don't cheat on her with that man," Haruka added.

Juvia frowned. "Yes, that is right what I thought you'd say, but-- Forgive me, what have you just said?!"

Haruka nodded. "I actually have no prejudicions against your kind! I mean, not against girls who like other girls, and much less against people made of water. If I hold a fair hatred for Shizuru-san, that's just because she is an awful, irresponsibilitable person unfit her charge, not because she is in love with another girl."

"Who is Shizuru-san?"

"... hasn't Yukino ever told you about her?"

"No."

"... that's probably for the best. Either way," she put a hand on Juvia's shoulder, "I love Yukino as a most dear little sister, and so--"

"A... A sister?"

"Naturally! We may be executive officer and secretary, but that doesn't mean that I don't hold a special--"

"You... You mean you aren't... that you two aren't..."

Haruka frowned. "What are you trying to say? Speak clearly, woman! I have no patience for people who can't expressionate themselves properly!"

Juvia shook a hand wildly before her. "No, no, forget! Um, so, I'm glad you can accept me, Sister-In-Law, but... I love Gray-sama as well. I just cannot renounce either of them!"

"I see. That, then, will be a problem," Haruka scowled. "I can't tolerate a two-timer."

The two of them stared intensely into each other's eyes.

"But if you're made of water, can't you split into two different water people? That way, You can stay with Yukino, and You can keep that man for yourself, I wouldn't have an issue with that... I think..."

"I can't do something like that!"

"How do you even know? Have you ever tried?!"

"..." Juvia said.

"Maybe you should ask Saber-san when we meet her again. I swear there's like twenty different versions of her already."

 

The Big "Ohh...?"

Chachamaru cocked her rifle.

"I'm sorry, Mother," she said. "But Master Evangeline has let me choose on this matter. After careful thinking, my loyalties to Mother Satomi and Negi-sensei outweight even those I owe you. I beg you, please stop this insanity."

Chao smiled and wiped a honest tear off her eye. "Ah, I'm so moved...! You have grown and matured so much, developing even beyond my wildest expectations, Chacha-chan. All the same, I was prepared for an eventuality along these lines."

There was a thundering chain of exploding sounds, and a few rounds of charges were shot from the closest side tunnel, blowing Chachamaru several feet back.

"Please let me introduce you to your younger sister," Chao said as a pale young woman with short brown hair stepped out into view. "Her name's Dorothy, I built her from the notes left behind by the late Professor Soldano."

"It is my pleasure," Dorothy softly said, right before she and Chachamaru launched themselves at each other.

Above, on the streets, the Festival also kept on raging.

---

"Welcome, Master Bruce," Alfred Pennyworth bowed his head. "I see you have brought visits from your latest stay in Japan, would this be one of Professor Springfield's students...?"

"Close," the Batman said from between clenched teeth, pulling his cowl down. "This is Dorothy, she will be helping you for the foreseeable future..."

She looked blandly all around them. "You had this single man taking care of this gigantic manor all by himself? You are a louse, Bruce Wayne."

 

The Secret is Out.

"How am I supposed to tell them?!" Chisame ranted. "Oh, Mom, Dad, over the last few months, Sora and I have been kissing my boy teacher, risking our life along Woman King Arthur, Woman Judas Iscariot, a vampire witch, a ghost, a robot, an alien princess and her clone, and a bunch of talking ducks?! Oh, and by the way, during the vacations I didn't want to spend with you I was roaming along an alien magical world while chased by the army and police?!"

"Sora's the big sister. Let her do it..." Haruna suggested.

"Be serious for just a moment, will you?!" Chisame protested.

Misa shrugged. "Just do what I'm going to do. Let them learn through the TV when Mundus Magicus transmits the footage of our victory ceremony to the world."

The others all looked at her.

Misa shrugged again. "What? In hindsight, that'll make the part about being chased by the cops and soldiers go smoothly, won't it?"

 

Birds of a...

When Murakami Natsumi woke up, a giant duck was looking down at her.

"Kyaaaaa!" she said, startled, and lashed up with a kick to the creature's beak.

"-- well, that was a fast recovery from someone who just landed on her head from the sky," the humanoid fowl managed to say from the depths of a beak caved into his face. Using both hands, he took hold of the tip still poking out, pulled on it, and tugged the beak back into shape, massaging it. "Did you just fall from a whaleship, or something like that? Then you shouldn't even be alive..."

"Eh? Eh?" Natsumi blinked several times, sitting up on the dirt, still bewildered. "N-No, I... Last thing I remember, I... um, I was with some friends, when... we were attacked, by these strange people, and--"

The duck raised an eyebrow made of white feathers as she trailed off, visibly rattled and still shaking from her ordeal, and it took him a moment to ask her, "Where are you from? I can't place your accent..."

"I, I'm from..." Natsumi said, struggling with how to say it, "You know... The other world."

"Ah," he said, nodding. "You're a tourist, aren't you? That explains it, then. It's been all over the news all day long, the whole gateport system was blown up, and travellers have been dropping everywhere from the collapse of the networks. Can you get up?" he asked, extending her a hand. "I'll call you a doctor..."

"Th-Thank you, but..." She looked up, way up. "I really took a fall that long? You said it yourself, then I should be dead..."

He sighed, helping her up. "I think it's got something to do with the properties of the system shielding the transported mass even as it broke down... or something like that, I'm no scientist or anything. What's your name, kid?"

"Natsumi... Murakami Natsumi. Thank you," she said, bashfully lowering her head. "Maybe I really need a doctor, I'm very dizzy, but mostly, I'd like to talk with some policemen or, I don't know, the army, to see if they can help me find my friends..."

"Of course," he nodded, placing an arm around her shoulders and gently helping walk with him, up the small mountain. "I was on my way home from some auditions, I live right around the-- That's right, I haven't introduced myself, I'm Drake..."

"You look sort of familiar," he noted, squinting a bit as she looked at his face and the way his cheeks seemed to elongate into feathery stubs by the sides. "You look... somewhat like a friend of a friend of my friends... sort of..."

He laughed lamely, head cocking aside. "Ahhh, I have a kinda generic face, I've been told... that's okay, it helps me fit a wider variety of roles..."

Natsumi's eyes brightened up a little. "You're an actor?"

"Oh, for sure! I've done mostly stage, but I'm looking to get into this new moving picture business, that's what the auditions were there for..."

"What... What a coincidence," she gave a short shaky laugh. "I'm an actress... well, just an amateur, of course, but..."

"Oh, isn't that great?" he mused as they reached up a point from where they could see a small quiet suburban neighborhood set under them, full of small houses and narrow streets with the occasional antropomorphic animal walking down them. "Those friends of yours, were they your troupe?"

"Well, not exactly... Let's just say that they... kind of really live the life I only could play pretend at."

"Ah?"

"It's a long story," she said uneasily, while they walked down to reach their intended destination, whatever it was.

 

Of Course They Would.

"Oh, Commisioner Kosaka," Negi blinked, recognizing the man on their doorstep from the recent gala. "Good morning, how may we help you?"

The tall man rasped dryly. "I'd like to say I'm here as a concerned father, up to see what are my children doing in your room right now, and most especially why my son is in an all female dorm building..."

"Daaaaad!" Kirino said from where she was playing cards with Chamo, Chisame and Satomi, while Kyosuke tried his best to choke himself to death on the tea Matoi had just poured him. The fact Kirino and Satomi were both displaying their bras and missing their shirts, which rested on Chisame's lap, only added further questions. "What have we agreed about not restraining my social life?!"

"-- but as a matter of fact, I didn't even know they were here, and I only came on official business," the Commissioner stoically told Negi. "With your people pouring into our city from your world, I have been pressured by the city council to prepare our forces for the... possible challenges the upcoming culture clash might bring."

"Oh, you wish to be taught on how to deal with magically empowered crime," Negi nodded. "That's a perfectly reasonable concern, of course, I'll supply you with all the--"

"Actually, we want you to directly teach a few of our officers on how to deal with magic perps, as a test program of sorts," the man grumbled, inviting five gorgeous young women into the room. "These are Kobayawaka Miyuki-kun, Tsujimoto Natsumi-kun, Kinezono Rio-kun, Lillica Ebbet-kun, and Jingu Maya-kun..."

Chisame looked on blankly. "... right. In hindsight, I should've seen this coming..."

The blonde policewoman's eyes shone as they focused onto the table. "Ohhh, poker! I'm an ace at poker, let me show you...!"

 

No, Kal, I'm your Father.

A gigantic holographic face appeared above the crystals.

Clark blinked. "M... Marlon Brando?"

"Mmmuhhh chhullllddhhhh, Khuulll-Lhhhh," the man's face mumbled. "Uhhhmmm Juuurhhh-LLhhhh, yuuhhhh futtthhhh."

"Excuse me?" Clark gulped. "Is that... Is that supposed to be some sort of alien language, or--"

"Yyyhhh rrrrrrrhh thhhh lasssth ssssunh ufff plnet Kwyptonnnn, a wuuuuhld thhht xxxploduh bcuzzz thhhh Scncse Cuntsssil WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME..." the disembodied face drawled on, clenching his teeth at one point.

Clark tried to fumble around with the cystals. "Excuse me, I think... I'm sure I can get a better reception, just let me try something..."

"Thsss pluhnut's yulluwh ssshun wull grount yuh msssive powahhs byynd the ken uf unhy--"

"Oh, for the love of--!"

---

He landed back at the farm quietly, late at night so the neighbors wouldn't see.

Jonathan and Martha came out of the house eagerly, greeting him with hugs.

"Well, son?" his mother asked warmly. "What did you learn on your trip?"

He hesitated. "Um, well... I ran into a race of actual mermaids living under the Arctic ice, met a nice girl while there, we became sort of friends... but other than that, not much that I can actually report on, really..."

 

But, What About...?

"So, Natsumi-chan was looked after by a talking duck, Ayaka and Lala-san simply wandered across the land aimlessly, Chisame-san and Suzushiro-senpai happened to become members of a magic guild, Haruna-san upgraded from mangaka to throatcutting sky pirate, Nodoka-san and Illya-san took over a village, Misa-san and Madoka-san became slaves, Chachamaru-san lived with ponies, Makie-san hid herself in an Otome game lead's closet, Ku-san forced bounty hunters to take her in as one of their own, Misora-san, Asakura-san and Setsuna-san were jailed from pretty much the start, and Asuna-san and Yue-san were with Sensei the whole time," Chizuru summed up, as they took a break from helping cleaning the wreckage after the demon attack on the academy.

Kaede laughed very stiffly. "Ah-ha-ha, that sounds incredible, just think of all the character development this one missed, de gozaru..."

"Now you know how it feels," Fuuka mumbled while Fumika nodded.

"Yeah, that was pretty much it," Sakurako confirmed. "You forgot Satomi-chan and I and the weeks we spent being worshipped like goddesses in that island, though..."

"It was you, Sakurako-san, there never was any doubt you'd land in the most advantageous possible way," Chizuru said, then looked at Yuuna and Konoka. "But, how about you two? You haven't told us yet..."

Konoka smiled. "Oh, we were very smurfy! By a happy smurf of fate, we were smurfed by kind, smurfy fellows who took good smurf of us and smurfed us all their customs! Isn't that smurf, Yuuna-chan?"

Yuuna sighed. "As you can see, it left a happy, lasting impression on Kono-chan."

Setsuna's right eyebrow twitched.

"..." Chizuru paused. "And it was there where you adopted that mangy, smelly animal, Yuuna-san?"

Yuuna frowned as the cat she kept on petting on her lap hissed at Chizuru. "Hey, don't speak ill of Azrael-chan, will you...?!"