[RWBY] RWBY Shorts

[cavalal386]

How the Hatedom see RWBY

Spoiler: If you know

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I don't know, mind telling me?

They find ozma's old porn stash.

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How much of it is just Salem?

And thus Nora has recruited her the Third member of her harem.

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Who's the second member?
If it's jaune, then shouldn't Cardin be the fourth member?

 

[Handspan]

I don't know, mind telling me?


How much of it is just Salem?


Who's the second member?
If it's jaune, then shouldn't Cardin be the fourth member?

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First is Ren, second is Jaune, third is Cardin. Nora has also been eyeing Wukong because she's got a good grasp of Blake's character and is waiting until the cat runs away.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Glynda: "You put Qrow and Peach on the radio show?!"

Ozpin: "It will help with outreach to the community."

Glynda: "Oh will it?" She turns on the radio

Qrow: "Hello listeners, we're back after that ad. My companion is still trying to pretend her hangover is just allergies."

Peach: "Ugh, go to hell."

Qrow: "Already been. Involved a date with you."

Peach: "HA! You were screaming for the heavens on that one, asshole-Owwww... Sinuses..."

Qrow: "Keep telling yourself that. Yes, caller, you're on the line?"

Caller: "This is Bob. Is there a particular brand of whiskey you would recommend for drinking at the Vytal Festival?"

Qrow: "Longbarrow Whiskey from Albion. Perfectly aged, has just the right amount of kick to it and gets you drunk fast even with your Aura unlocked."

Peach: Moans "I hate that stuff so much..."

Qrow: "And Thumbelina hates it, which makes it even better."

Bob: "Sounds great. Who do you think has a shot at the Valean Cup this year?"

Qrow: "The Gallian Tarasques might have a chance but more than likely the damn Valean Wizards will bribe the refs again. Good call. I will continue to rate the uniforms for barmaids at the various bars around Vale, ranging from 'Are they even trying?' to 'potential warddrobe malfunctions.'"

Glynda: GLARE

Ozpin: "..." sips coffee "He's doing fine."

 

[Trebonius]

I would tune in regularly to that show.

 

[Salraic238]

Qrow doing the Remnant eqivalent to Car Talk.

Or the Remnant equivalent to Car Talk with Martok. One of those.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

That said, if we're going to take inspiration from great sitcoms... We need a character to be Ron Swanson.

Let's use Professor Harold Mulberry (Weapon Crafting & Upkeep). He's canon but was never seen. He'd be perfect as a Ron Swanson stand in.

Harold: "Hey, you're fixing your bow wrong."

Cinder: "How is this, Professor?"

Harold: "Slightly less shitty. You'd figure after being in Hunter Academy for ten years you'd learn."

Cinder: "No, I-I'm just a fourth year!"

Harold: "Let me guess: You hit thirty but instead of trying to entrap a rich millionaire you're living out your childhood fantasy because 'girl power' and that outfit and hair are a desperate cry for help. Am I in the ballpark?"

Cinder: "... I'll kill you last."

Harold: "Another lie."

- - -

Harold: "Arc. You're trying so hard it's embarrassing. The girl is clearly not into you, why do you keep this up? Is it one of those Spacebook things where you show off how much shame you can bring to your ancestry?"

Jaune: "No! No, I just... I do really like her."

Harold: "She doesn't like you. She likes gay men."

Neptune: "I'M NOT GAY!"

Harold: "I don't actually care about your sexuality but it's obvious. And between your parents there's no way you'll be gay, Arc. So move on."

Jaune: "I... Well, sure sir."

Harold: "Good."

Neptune: "I swear I'm not gay!"

Harold: "You really need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks of you."

- - -

Mulberry: "So... Why are we keeping this war with your evil immortal ex-wife secret? What does she look like?"

Ozpin: "This is what she looks like." Holds up a photo from a drone of Ever Night Castle, where Salem is standing in the doorway menacingly

Mulberry: "... I suppose keeping it secret is wisest."

Ozpin: "Yes-"

Mulberry: "Too many men would simp over her."

Ozpin: "I-no-"

Mulberry: "I assume the divorce was because you couldn't pleasure her in bed? When money isn't the issue that's usually the case."

Ozpin: "No! She got bored of living as immortal rulers of the world and threw herself into a Grimm pit to try and kill herself!"

Mulberry: "Crazy too huh? Hot ones always are."


- - -

Harold: "Xiao-Long. You still upset your bitch of a mother ran off?"

Yang: "I-I just want some answers-"

Harold: "The answers won't change who she is or what she did. She could have come back at any time and she didn't. You want some kind of absolution for why you had to become the mom when you were a child and lost your childhood that way. It won't bring back the woman who was your actual mother, or your childhood. So get over it and focus on building a good life for yourself."

Yang: *sniffles* "... Just... Saying that kind of shit, huh?"

Harold: "Apparently being a teacher means I have to also be a substitute parental figure. I hate that this happens but I may as well get it over with. So go on and find a nice boy to settle down with."

Yang: "What if I'm a lesbian?"

Harold: condescendingly "Sure you are."

Yang: "... Damnit." storms off

Harold: sighs

Blake enters.

Blake: "Professor, I-"

Harold: "Go call your damn parents and stop the drama. You're gonna make everyone else miserable with your YA novel heroine act."

Blake: "Y-You don't know me!"

Harold: "Sure I don't. And my breakfasts are vegan."

 

[John Jackson]

As an aside to the arc Dinosaur park the arc clan ending the battle of beacon by doing the wing hussar charge with dinosaurs

 

[bazerkerking]

I like Professor Mullberry, Ron Swanson is my favorite character

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Ironwood and and his troops landed on Beacon airstrip. The first face he sees is Harold's.

Ironwood: sounding annoyed "Harold."

Harold: nonchalant "Janus."

Camera cuts to Harold.

Harold: "I always hated those Ice bastards. They suck the joy out of freedom and hide it behind bureaucracy. To show my annoyance I always make it a point to get his name wrong."

Later, in Harold's office, James arrives with Winter. He is wearing a scowl.

James: "Harold, I expected your report by last evening. All the other professors put in their reports."

Harold: "I did submit my report."

James: "It's a one sentence email that says 'Everything is fine and I don't work for you.'"

Harold: "Yes. That is more than sufficient."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Harold: "Jaune, given how manly your father was, I understand the deep shame you feel not living up to his example. Fear not. There is an easy fix for this."

Jaune: "Yes?"

Harold: "In his case he hit his head and became braindamaged. Then he was raised by a paladin monk who loved beer, meat, and saving people. The brain damage thing has too many liability issues, unfortunately. So instead we'll focus on meat and general manliness."

Jaune: "But I ate a lot of meat!"

Harold: "Yes but your father was cowed by your mother, and so we need to fix things. You will note almost all the women around you have issues with their parents. Including the cat girl princess who had a rich and stable lifestyle before turning to terrorism. While they can be fun in bed, it is better to find a salt of the earth type woman with a stable background to settle down with."

Jaune: "Uh... Okay?"

Harold: "So, knock some sense into the Altan, Nikos, Rose or Xiao-Long girls and you'll be fine. The latter will probably be obsessively clingy with you once she gets over her masquerade of confidence. If you like that sort of thing, then by all means, she might make an acceptable wife. Points in her favor are her ability to fix and ride motorcycles, and you're already a stronger person than her father while resembling the good parts. Her half-sister is also a good choice, but gotta wait a few years and try to be a positive male influence in her life."

Jaune: "Um... Sure?"

Harold: "Belladonna is as toxic as her name implies, steer clear of that trainwreck. Nikos is a sheltered rich girl who was probably trained with a bell by her parents. You need to find the woman inside her and get her to let loose. If she does, it might be full on crazy which I cannot in good conscious deny you but it might destroy you both, so be careful. Schnee is also a sheltered rich girl with daddy issues. Her taste is awful so if she chooses you that's not a compliment, though underneath her stoic nature might be a real freak. Again, can't deny you the chance to try as all men must give that a shot."

Jaune: "And Altan?"

Harold: "Religious, from a stable family, stoic, beautiful, loves steak, can smash a tank flat with her bare hands. You'd be a fool not to go for her."

 

[zMADLAXz]

Harold: "Religious, from a stable family, stoic, beautiful, loves steak, can smash a tank flat with her bare hands. You'd be a fool not to go for her."

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Honestly, AJT!Altan is an unfairly good choice as a life partner.

Relegious but she focuses more on the teaching of the relegion rather than being a fanatic believer, also values the principles of celibacy.

Plus she is a self sufficient warrior who is not afraid to show love.

And top of that, Kitty with soft hair, perfect for cuddles.

She is the best of AJT waifu verse.

In fact if Professor Harold is a Ron Swanson expyee then by all means, anybody other than Altan shouldn't even be a choice.

Save for perhaps Yang but she has other many issues.

Pyrrha would be a great option in his eyes if she wasn't such a wall flower. Cause remember Diane wad the one to pursue Ron while also making him realise that he cannot continue his solitary lifestyle as he is now her life partner.

 

[RandomDragon]

Honestly, AJT!Altan is an unfairly good choice as a life partner.

Relegious but she focuses more on the teaching of the relegion rather than being a fanatic believer, also values the principles of celibacy.

Plus she is a self sufficient warrior who is not afraid to show love.

And top of that, Kitty with soft hair, perfect for cuddles.

She is the best of AJT waifu verse.

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she has the greatest advantage that any of the RWBY verse ladies could have...she was too powerful and thus was regulated to the deepest, darkest, and most forgotten wastelands of side characters.

But she has become the most reliable waifu, and potentially best lady for Juane to have.

the ladies of RWBY are now sensing the rival and have assesed her power...she is almost unfairly beyond them, there is no choice but to try and seduce juane away from the lioness!

 

[Gyron]

With all this Ron/Harold connection, who would be his 3 Tammys, ie his mother Tamara, Tammy 1 and Tammy 2.

 

[TheFabulousCustodes]

Jaune: "But I ate a lot of meat!"

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Mulberry/Swanson - We're switching you onto a 100% meat diet, and ditching anything that grows out of the ground, or off a plant."

Jaune - "Wait, I didn't go to medical school like my mom wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'll die if I eat like that...."

Mulberry/Swanson - "It's weaknesses like needing plants to survive that you need to power past, Jaune."

Harold: "Religious, from a stable family, stoic, beautiful, loves steak, can smash a tank flat with her bare hands. You'd be a fool not to go for her."

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This man's advice should be engraved onto stone tablets, and preserved for the ages.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Mulberry/Swanson - We're switching you onto a 100% meat diet, and ditching anything that grows out of the ground, or off a plant."

Jaune - "Wait, I didn't go to medical school like my mom wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'll die if I eat like that...."

Mulberry/Swanson - "It's weaknesses like needing plants to survive that you need to power past, Jaune."



This man's advice should be engraved onto stone tablets, and preserved for the ages.

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Mulberry: "So... Is there any possible way that sex with Salem could be involved as a way to stop her?"

Qrow: "Dude..."

Mulberry: "I will admit I don't quite get this Goth Dommy Mommy thing the kids are blathering about but if Salem qualifies, I believe it is worth a shot to see if it will stop her."

Ironwood: "If that's a joke, it's a terrible one. Sleeping with the enemy?"

Mulberry: "And how is Sienna Khan lately, James?"

Ironwood: "... That's different."

Glynda: "You're not even trying to deny it?"

Ironwood: "Is anyone unaware of my relationship with Sienna?"

Silence.

Mulberry: "See?"

Ozpin: "Please Harold, tell me you have a serious proposal."

Mulberry: "Well, we are either supposed to fight until we all die... Or maybe an actual man could sort things out."

Ozpin: "That is my ex-wife."

Mulberry: "How many bodies was that ago?"

Ozpin: "A lot."

Mulberry: "I'm just saying, I have probably dated crazier."

Qrow: "He's not wrong about that. Tammy 2 was nuts."

Glynda: "Yes, we all remember Tammy 2."

Mulberry: "God I'm trying not to..."

Ozpin: "Was Tammy 2 an omnicidal maniac?"

Mulberry: "Picture her with Salem's powers."

Ozpin: "... We'll consider it a back up plan."

Mulberry: "Works for me."

 

[Azzy Rael]

This man is my hero. I wanna be just like him when I become aged and tried of listening to social bullshit.