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The Ensemble. (Original Work)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by DoggySoup, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. DoggySoup

    DoggySoup I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Note: So this is heavily Light Novel inspired, but apart from a core premise, I'm going to seriously avoid any of the tired and basic tropes usually done.

    I don't want to say this is "character focused" (Because Worm fanfic made that code word for OP protag angsts while stomping to me) but I'm going to use this as a way to try all sorts of stories, thus the large cast.

    Future chapters will be better, I just needed to write this idea for a scene down to see how it works.




    Somewhere, countless miles away from anyone was a flat floor of perfectly white and clean marble. In the centre, a table of wood and leaves curled out of the floor, almost erupting as the stone gave way.

    A man with the face of a perpetually snarling dog and two hands that were made of smaller, more angry doogs growled and barked at the table.

    His left arm shot out across the table at the first of his two companions; a little girl in a white hood, an impossibly large sword sticking out her back and dripping blood into the marble at her feet.

    "Tylli!" The dog man barked. "You've watched this runt for three days! Choose now or I will for you!"

    Tylli slowly creaked her head and spoke, blood coughing out of her lips with every pained breath.

    "Quiet, Yace. We've seen enough, and I will choose."

    The third tablegoer cracked his fingers, the sound echoing in the silence.

    "Then do it," the tall, muscular figure demanded. His clothes were all but gone, and his mass towered over the other two. "Don't keep us waiting, Tylli. We rely on this as much as you do."

    Tylli turned her head back to the table, and looked at the reflection below. A young man sneezed into a tissue as he slowly walked down the street in the early morning.

    She waved the scene away and smiled. "We'll be ready soon. The walls will be at their weakest in that moment, and once that moment arises we enter."


    Richard slowly made his way to school. The final year of Highschool and he missed every day but the first because of a headcold.

    Still, he knew that since everyone who wanted to did leave in the last year, his registration class would include everyone in the year.

    All thirty of us in the same classroom, he thought. Christ.

    He stumbled through the door to hear subdued cheers from the back centre desks. Willie, Shannon and Colin already found themselves, but Conner was just sitting down as he caught sight of them.

    "Hey Matty, we saved you a seat!"

    Richard Matheson smiled and waved at the small group of friends, only to stumble as something hit him harshly.

    Richard stumbled and fell into one of the empty desks, making half the room turn to look at him and his assailant.

    "What the fuck, Calum?" yelled Willie, "Barely five minutes and you're starting shit."

    Calum didn't even bother to look at Willie. "Say shit on Mazyo again and I'll fucking end you, you wee dick."

    Richard already picked himself up and stood at the other side of a desk quietly while Willie yelled. As soon as Calum finished, he had a reply. "I walk in and you tackle me, Calum. All that does is prove me right; it's a fucking miracle you even bother to attend here."

    Calum grabbed the desk with his arm and was about to move it when Iona slammed both her arms against it. "Calm down!"

    He let go and stepped around the desk. "He started it, he deserves it."

    Desmond, the largest boy in the class steps forwards and puts a hand gently on Calum's chest. "Do your fighting after school. I don't want to deal with another fight between you two."

    After a few tense seconds that consisted of Calum staring through Desmond's chest, he walked back to his two friends, Don Street and Ryan Myers.

    "Wee dick cannae fight anyway."

    Iona is already across the room, diving onto a younger looking boy named Alistair Kelly. His sister, a similarly red-haired Fiona Kelly turned to her friends Amy Munroe and Maria Peznak, miming a gagging motion and then a more inappropriate gesture.

    "What the fuck is Matty's problem?" asked Alex McDonald, Desmond's only friend who didn't leave.

    "Don't know, he just starts shit all the time anyway. Last time I'm covering for him."

    He catches a glance at one of the girls in the larger group and smiles a little.

    A larger collection of friends sit and stand around in the middle of the room, talking about idle things like a film concert, the latest TV show and BrowseView. Six people in total.

    The group gains an extra member as Pam Sanders, a happy go lucky girl dives on Amy Hearts.

    Two more ender after her, talking to each other, followed by the teacher, Mrs Rickham. She marched towards the teacher's desk and took off his jacket.

    "As usual, Everyone after me is-"

    "I made it!" Shouted two figures who tripped on their way in. Ashton and Vincent. Josephine strolls in behind them, but doesn't fail to make a sneer as she steps over Ashton as he lay on the floor, groaning from having a Vincent land on him.

    "Late!" Shouted a voice in the crowd; Earl Harrison. "Send them out!"

    Mrs Rickham was already up anyway, walking over to Ashton as Vincent helped him up.

    "Ashton! You okay? That looked painful, do you need a nurse?"

    "He's not that badly hurt," A new voice said. everyone turned around to see a young girl with sword on her back stand in the middle of the room. She looked around, and her smile fell.

    "Oh dear, I should have done this earlier. Yuce will never let me live this down."






    I seriously need help with tenses. I'm really unsure about them.
     
  2. Xicree

    Xicree Destroy and Rejoice!

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    I think you need more imagery.

    It kinda struck me that while the characters were saying things ect... you really didn't introduce them, or the environment they're in. Paint a few portraits with words.

    Right now you have floating head, names without a solid person behind them. Every time you introduce a new character give them a little introduction time, say what the dog looks like, what it smells like, ect.

    You're good enough with the dialogue, but you need to really paint the imagry in order to get people into the characters and the scenery. And don't just stick with visuals, things like how the characters sound and smell like, how touching them feels if it's applicable. Ground your world a bit more in our heads. Construct things that your MC thinks about the people he speaks with too, sprinkle in opinions and ideas of what the characters being talked about or talked to are like. These will allow your audience to better identify and identify with the characters... and you can easily use that to subvert or confirm expectations as the characters who off more of who they are.


    That's pretty much my main criticism. (Yeah your tenses do need a bit of work, but that's easily solvable by just reading things over once you haven't been looking at it for a few hours).
     
    DoggySoup likes this.
  3. DoggySoup

    DoggySoup I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    "Holy fuck," muttered Alex under his breath as he saw Tylli.

    His eyes gazed up and down her, from the impossibly blue dress to the red stains dripping down the sword that stuck through her and onto the floor where she stood, splashes of blood staining clean white feet.

    "What the fuck is that?"

    Tylli heard him, and in an instant she snapped to lock eyes with the boy. Blood dripped from her mouth eagerly, and as she took a breath to speak, her lungs let out a strained gasp.

    A scream sounded from another corner of the room, where a girl had fainted.

    Everyone looked over to see a short haired girl with blue streaks in hair hair lie flat on the ground, a chair knocked over and two friends standing over her. Amy Hearts was gently raising Taylor Fitzpatrick's legs up slightly and off to the side as Shaun Chambers stood over them, looking at Tylli the whole time.

    "Far to many people," declared Tylli. "But still, All in the room is to be taken, so..."

    She raised her hand, slowly, almost painfully. If there was no sound you'd be convinced she was screaming in agony with every breath, but that wasn't the case.

    The tiles on the floor turned white. The walls gave way to nothing, and the ceiling became a magnificent sky overhead.

    "I am Tylli," she announced. "The Motion."

    Those last two words sounded different. They weren't aided by the slightly drowning sounds as blood bubbled from her mouth, but they were clearer.

    She walked over to Richard's group, slowly but without any pause. Richard took a step back. She sped up somehow, and from fifteen steps away she closed the gap.

    Colin tripped up over his own feet as he scrambled backwards, and in a panic he grabbed Shannon by the jacket and pulled her down on top of him.

    Tylli didn't notice.

    "You. You have a lot more than anyone I've looked for."

    Richard was far too stunned to speak. He opened his mouth and said nothing but a faint grunt of insecurity.

    "Seeds need to grow," she whispered.

    Richard blinked in confusion and as he opened his eyes the bleeding girl was already back in the centre of the group.

    "Do not blame yourselves, everyone! This happens because even I have limits, and mass must be exchanged for mass."

    Grass began to grow around everyone's feet, connecting each other. Trees painted themselves into reality, and the sounds of a nearby stream flooded into the world. Soon, the scene was set, and Tylli was gone. Thirty one people were trapped in the middle of nowhere with desks, chairs and bags surrounding them.

    Mrs Rickham looked around. River, field, forest and on the horizon, mountain.

    People began to mutter, but before anything set in Mrs Rickham raised her arms.

    “Okay, don’t panic,” she said loudly. “Let’s not think about this, and just try and get back to civilization, wherever that is.”

    She scanned the crowd for a specific student, and pointed him out.

    “Shaun, you got lost in the woods last year, right?”

    Shaun was busy helping Taylor up. She was awake again, just a little dizzy from fainting at all the blood coming from Tylli. He turned up to look at her.

    “Yeah. All we did was just stay in the same spot and make a smoke fire.”

    “How do you make a smoke fire?” Asked Amy Munroe. As soon as she finished her question, she made a face.

    And then the confusion spread. Maria frowned and looked at somewhere non obvious, and somewhere in the back Ashton looked at Earl and Earl looked at Ashton with a shared look of raised eyebrows.

    “What the hell?” Asked Iona. “That’s… what is that.”

    Mission: Make a Fire.​

    If you want to get warm and get found, you need to make a fire.
    Reward(s): 50 XP​

    Failure State: Dying​

    This quest can be retried as many times as one likes.​

    Accept/Decline​

    “I,” Iona paused. “I think I see something. I’m not crazy, right?”

    “No, it’s just you,” Richard snapped back instinctively.

    Shannon scoffed him across the back of the head.

    “Let me guess, is it blue and see-through?” She asked Iona.

    “Um, yeah.”

    “I see it too,” Earl added. “Who else does?”

    Everyone replied eventually.

    The blue box stood there in front of every person’s face, each of them a translucent blue and only seen by themselves.

    Ashton tapped the air, then smiled

    “Guys, you can touch it.”

    “I don’t think we should,” Mrs Rickham said. “Maybe-”

    “I already tapped it,” interrupted Willie. “Sorry.”

    The teacher frowned and shook her head. “I’d suggest we just make a fire. Shaun, I’d like to talk to you. Everyone else, just see what you can do. Don’t go too far or out of view of each other, please.”

    Most of the group scattered about, mostly heading to the trees that started in the forested area.

    The remainder either stood around or walked to the stream, some of them keeping back.

    “Yes, Mrs Rickham?”

    Mrs Rickham wasn’t overweight, as far as some teachers were. She was actually pretty thin and frail as far as teachers go.

    If it wasn’t for the fact she was the only person without the standard uniform of a black blazer with dark green stitching on the edges, a green and black striped tie and a white shirt underneath, she’d have perfectly blended in with everyone else. However, she wore a light blue shirt and fawn trousers instead.

    “So we wait, is that it?” she asked Shaun.

    “That’s all we need to do,” Shaun replied. He stared across the river at the clearing on the other side. The forest was quiet, without the tweeting or cawing of any bird, and only the gentle sound of the stream laced with muttering of other classmates to fill the air.

    He didn’t like what just happened, and in his mind he was curious about one person; Richard.

    ---

    Calum broke a branch off a nearby tree with one hand and looked at the leaves. Each one was shaped like a silhouette of a person, with the stem attached to the back of the neck.

    “Creepy,” Calum muttered under his breath. “Hey guys, check these leaves! They’re human shaped.”

    Don walked up to him, a handful of sticks from the forest floor in his hand and he smirked as Calum showed him the leaves. “Wow, they look strange.”

    The taller, more muscular figure ripped the rest of the leaves off and began tearing off another branch.

    He glanced over to one of the other groups.

    Ashton had a large pile of sticks in his arms, and Earl was quickly leading him back to the clearing, his own arms filled with stones.

    “Okay, so what do you think?” Ashton asked his best friend. He sported a large bruise his blonde hair covered well after his mishap earlier.

    “I have no real clue other than it being weird as hell,” Earl replied. “Pretty freaky though.”

    Ashton shrugged. “Eh, I kinda think it’s cool.”

    “You think everything is ‘kinda cool’, Ash. That phrase means nothing when you say it.”

    Ashton smiled. “I think you’re pretty cool, Earl.”

    Earl replied with a quick jab to the side with his elbow, making Ashton drop half his load. “Serves ya right, ya dick.”

    ---

    Josephine stood behind a tree, out of the way of the other students and lit up a single fag with a lighter.

    She took a swift draw and handed it to Samuel.

    He thanked her and took a deep breath of nicotine and tar in. “Put them in your bag, Jo. Do you want to get caught with them?”

    Josephine shrugged. “How about you hold them?” She handed a half-empty packet.

    “Fuck naw,” Samuel replied. “I’ll get suspended again if I get caught with that. You take it.”

    “Really?” smirked Josephine. “Where’s that ‘Fuck the school’ bravado you had, Desperado?”

    Samuel shook his head. “Aye, but my da’ will kill me if I get suspended again. They never check your bag.”

    Josephine opened her schoolbag and put the lighter and packet of fags away in the bottom, before zipping it up and slinging it on her back. She grabbed the fag out of Samuel’s mouth, took a deep draw from it and dropped the rest into the bed of leaves on the floor, before sweeping more detritus over it.

    After that, she removed and re-attached the bobble keeping her black hair in a ponytail and followed Samuel as he strolled back into the view of everyone else.

    ---

    Fiona stared at the shallow stream, watching the water rush by.

    It’s way to clear, she mused. It’s like a swimming pool rather than a stream.

    She knelt down and put a hand in.

    Warm.

    The water was warm, and the current slowly moved her arm as she felt it through the tips of her fingers. Movement caught her eye, and she lifted her hand out as she saw the strangest sight; A fish with the fins on the sides larger than it was.

    It looked like it wa the size of her arm with how long it was, and the large fins were patterned with red and blue swirls interlocking.

    Mission: Catch a River Musclefish​

    Known to grab and drown small animals, The Musclefish can even break fishing lines with its muscular fins.

    Reward(s): 115 XP​

    Failure State: The River Musclefish leaves.​

    This quest can be retried whenever you spot a River Musclefish and have not completed the quest.​

    Accept/Decline​

    Without thinking, she tapped Accept and slammed her hand down on the Musclefish from above.

    She felt it struggle. The more it moved the harder it was to hold with one arm, and without thinking she used her other hand to grab it.

    The Musclefish crawled a little bit and Fiona fell in with a shriek.

    “Hey!”

    “Fiona!”

    People nearby rushed to her aid when they noticed her fall in, some assuming she tripped, some deeply worried.

    The Musclefish wrapped a fin around her finger and pulled. Fiona was impressed at the dexterity the animal had and was terrified as her index finger was being bent backwards, almost-

    Fiona screamed as the pain came in, and tossed the Musclefish away from her.

    Her finger was almost dislocated, and the animal bounced twice onto the field as it landed in front of Shannon.

    “What the hell is that!?”

    The Musclefish began to crawl rapidly away from Shannon before turning to the river.

    Alistair Kelly had a different idea, and with a swift stomp he crushed its head with his heel.

    “It hurts,” Fiona whined as she slowly got up from the riverbed, clutching her finger.

    “That’s what you get for touching the wildlife,” Alistair frowned. “What is that anyway?”

    “I- I don’t know!” Whined Fiona. “I just fell in and it grabbed me!”

    Alistair almost snapped back at her but they were both distracted as Ashton shouted a jubilation. There he was, dancing in front of a small fire, paper from his jotter used as tinder to star the burning.

    “Finally! Four tries it took!”

    He looked around and his smile fell after a few moments. “Huh, you’d think something would show up.”

    ---

    A tall man in metal chainmail far too large for himself slowly trotted his horse through the forest. His long blonde hair reached the horse as it settled down his back, and as he slowly came to a stop he looked around.

    “Risteen, There’s people here.”

    His first companion, a black woman who was armoured similarly to him, but then layered in a stifling volume of sheathed swords and daggers that made her look like a tank rather than a person caught up to him.

    “You think it’s the bandits, Clyeg?”

    “It can’t be anyone else,” replied the last companion, a tall and frail man riding a small caged carriage, one that was drawn by two hoses. He had a simple shield on his left arm, and a small rucksack over his shoulder. “We should jump those robbers, grab whoever is easy pickings and then just leave the rest to scatter and get killed.”

    Clyeg shook his head. “I don’t like it, though.”

    Risteen put her hand over Clyeg’s shoulder. “Vistreen is right. By scattering the bandits and demoralizing them, we allow the local villages nearby to deal with them without the difficulty of having to kill or capture every member. It’s a waste of time anyway, and you’re only doing it because you liked the guy who asked you.”

    Clyeg shrugged and hopped off his horse.

    “We wait till night.”