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With This Ring (Young Justice SI) (Thread Fourteen)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Mr Zoat, Jan 27, 2019.

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  1. Buggy123

    Buggy123 I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Very well written, has well thought-out physics and everyone is rational enough that it that won't leave you thinking "why don't they just do X", and has interesting character development. But it has a surprisingly large focus on character development, emotional relationships, etc, that might be to some people's tastes and not others.
     
    WhiteNoise likes this.
  2. Mquz

    Mquz Versed in the lewd.

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    I haven’t actually seen anything super edgy on here yet. The fic itself tends to be fairly lighthearted (with exceptions). Don’t know too much about qq, but porn tends to be antiedgy, even if it’s dark - people play up the sexy and play down the consequences.
     
  3. Mquz

    Mquz Versed in the lewd.

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    Having read the first few chapter now - it’s not that it concentrated on building relationships, but that most of the main characters are super geniuses, and the writing comes off a bit autistic in that it does a lot of describing thought processes, and is written like a study into the thought processes and resulting actions of heroes, rather than a drama (no omniscient knowledge of thought processes, so reader is left to guess/ figure out themselves) or action novel. Lots of conscious self analysis and discussing each other’s feelings in a scientific capacity. It’s a bit jarring to have supergeniuses congratulate each other on doing well having normal human interactions with others.
     
  4. Threadmarks: Hoard (part 5)
    Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    11th January
    13:23 GMT


    "I read your report, but seeing it directly adds to the ridiculousness of the artefact."

    Hinon and I stand on the moon, staring at my toilet.

    "Do you even go to the toilet?"

    "Not that one. You haven't plumbed it in."

    "I'd have to give the moon an atmosphere." I look around the largely desolate lunar surface. "And while I could, I didn't think the time and effort involved were worthwhile."

    "At least you retained some semblance of sense."

    "No. No. No, not really. I mean, this is where I shut down my environmental shield while in a near-vacuum." And hid the Star Sapphire. Actually… "That reminds me, were you able to smooth things over with the Zamarons?"

    "No, I was not." She sighs. "I've no idea what happened to them. They used to be such reasonable women. Only Nadia would speak to me at all, and she made it pretty clear that she was doing it on sufferance. Such a disappointment."

    "Because all of the colours working together is more effective than any one of them?"

    That earns me a glare. "No, because they were my friends and colleagues, you oafish ape-man. They were supposed to be researchers, then I lie down for a few centuries and when I wake up Aga'po is calling herself 'Queen' and they've gone from researching the violet light to researching.. breeding with mortals."

    "Not it."

    "What? No, I wasn't volunteering you. They've still got some taste."

    "Yeah, and so have I. I've seen Zamarons. Also, I'm in a happy, long term, monogamous relationship."

    "Yes, that must be why she has just moved to the other side of the galaxy from your homeworld."

    "That's professional development. She has a career."

    "I remember having sexual urges. They're supposed to be at their most intense during the early stages of the relationship. An evolutionary development to compel developmental stability for infants in species using the K reproductive strategy."

    "It'll be a few years before we reproduce, Hinon."

    "That's not the point. The point is the instinctive way horny animals respond to one another-."

    "Hinon, I'm an enlightened empath. Quite aside from the fact that I know exactly how much my own sex drive influences my thinking, I know exactly how interested in me she is." I frown. "Do you.. have children yourself?"

    "Hm? Oh, yes. It was a while ago, though."

    "Huh."

    "Yes." She frowns faintly as she stretches her memory back to however long ago it was. "At the time, the consensus was that reproducing to replacement values was a reasonable course of action. I seem to remember that the process was satisfactory."

    Satisfactory..? "What.. reproductive strategy did the ancient Maltusians use again?"

    "Technically, 'K', but by the time I became an adult we'd been more or less as we are today for longer than we'd been anything else, so it was all rather irrelevant. Desire."

    "I'm sorry? Desire was irrelevant?"

    "The one who spoke to you here. Desire. The Endless." She looks at me with mild frustration. "Do try to remember why we're here."

    Desire. The only thing I remember about Desire from Sandman was that… They are a hermaphrodite, or.. something, they.. helped that iron age tribeswoman marry the chief's son and probably had something to do with him getting killed the next day, and failed to tempt Emperor Norton to do… Something. The plot was rather Dream-focused.

    "Is that a problem?"

    "Think about it for a moment. You may well exist in perfect equilibrium with your desires now, but how would you characterise how you felt when you came here?"

    I nod. "We were a confused mess."

    "And this was when and where Desire chose to visit you. Not before, when you were struggling with your ring. Not afterwards, when you were at peace with it. When you were at your lowest ebb."

    "At my most entertaining."

    Guess Desire is a bitchhole, then. At least I appear to have become boring enough that they haven't put in another appearance.

    "Just report any future contact and you should be alright."

    "Really?"

    "No. But it can't-" My ring blinks. "-hurt. Much."

    I hold out my left hand. "Orange Lantern."

    Alan's face appears. "Good morning, Paul. Good to see you back."

    "It was just a couple of days, Alan."

    "Last time you went there you got into a fight with a Qwardian living weapon." I shrug. In this line of work... He nods, smiling. "Yeah, I guess. Just part of the job. So, you just calling to shoot the breeze?"

    "No. I was concerned about the possible effects of prolonged orange light exposure, so I talked Controller Hinon into visiting. Would it be possible for her to meet with you today?"

    "Ah… Sure…"

    "Problem?"

    "I'm spending the day on the Watchtower. I'm sure she's.. trustworthy, but there're protocols…"

    "Alan, she could build the Watchtower." Hm. "Actually, she could probably bring it back to full working order if you asked nicely."

    "What d'you call what it is now?"

    "'Approved for export' mode. You know the Green Lanterns only got the sensors turned back on when Salaak confirmed that we'd had Star Conquerors around."

    He nods. "You've got a point. I'll.. run it by Diana and Batman, see what they say. Call you back when we've talked it through."

    "Rightoh. Talk to you later."

    His face vanishes-.

    "Did you just volunteer me for manual labour?"
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2019
    JeckJack, kfrar, FourthPear and 210 others like this.
  5. Queshire

    Queshire Not too sore, are you?

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    If manual labour is still manual for someone of her capabilities then she's doing something wrong.
     
  6. Irked

    Irked Experienced.

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    It's almost as if Hinon's presence causes Pauls foot to become magnetized to his mouth whenever she's around.
     
  7. Chojin Patriarch

    Chojin Patriarch Veteran Lurker, Rookie Proofreader

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    Wonderful Snark from Orange Granny :D

    No capitalisation of Star Sapphire? Or is it being treated like the power ring in terms of importance? Capitals only if referring to a person?

    You can just hear the disdain... Honestly, giving up SCIENCE! for breeding? THe nerve!

    Huh, she actually IS a granny? Nice.

    Yup, that's our reaction too, Paul.

    Ah, the second-best Blue Lantern.

    Didn't you call him, Alan? Or did he call earlier and leave voicemail?

    Perhaps this might be better as a question?

    His face vanishes-.
    Well done, Paul. Well done. She's not going to forget that...
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
  8. lancelot

    lancelot Grand High Poobah

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    Is there any particular reason Paul feels a need to be a complete asshole around her, when around everyone else he tends to be polite to the point of the absurd?
     
  9. RichardWhereat

    RichardWhereat Aia airëa Fëanáro.

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    Yeah, he thinks she's into that.
     
  10. Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    Thank you, corrected.
    We only know that she's a mother.
    Yes, that.
    No, it's a statement.
    Thank you, corrected.
     
  11. w34v3r

    w34v3r Versed in the lewd.

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    Is... Is Paul attempting to play with Hinon? Is this some sort of british thing where instead of american style awkward thanksgivings you volunteer each other for shit jobs? Because I honestly can't tell if this is meant to be affectionate or actually adversarial.
     
  12. Mquz

    Mquz Versed in the lewd.

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    Not really a shit job. He’s been trying to get the league to upgrade with weapons for most of the fic. This might be his chance to get them to agree (they didn’t let him do it himself). Also, it’s manual labor in that she actually has to think about it most likely - she can preety much just use the orange light (I think).
     
  13. Mquz

    Mquz Versed in the lewd.

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    You know what we need? A cameo from those leprechauns that are actually a Malthusian offshoot living on Earth (mentioned near start of fic, but might just be saying they might exist, though not necessarily.)
     
    Booksnake, Ardy, Chaoswind and 2 others like this.
  14. Xelloss

    Xelloss Making the rounds.

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    Speaking of College, it does always seem strange to me for the word to be associated with university, when in my langage it means middle-school.
     
    RichardWhereat likes this.
  15. Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    Go right ahead!
    In my language 'middle school' means 'the geographic centre of the school'.
     
  16. Stsword

    Stsword I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    The Maltusians were psychics even before they mastered the emotional spectrum, and since Zoat gave them uniform abilities instead of sticking to the comics where the offshoots developed different powers, her definition of "manual labor" probably includes using her telekinesis to make objects move like something out of the Sorcerer's Apprentice.
     
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  17. bobsimmo

    bobsimmo Simmr001 on SV/SB

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    then how did i go to first school to middle school to secondary school?

    and before you call me a filthy colonial, im 6 miles from Gatwick airport from my home

    In England and Wales, local education authorities introduced middle schools in the 1960s and 1970s. The notion of Middle Schools was mooted by the Plowden Report of 1967 which proposed a change to a three-tier model including First schools for children aged between 4 and 7, Middle Schools for 7–11 year-olds, and then upper or high schools for 11–16 year-olds. Some authorities introduced Middle Schools for ideological reasons, in line with the report, while others did so for more pragmatic reasons relating to the raising of the school leaving age in compulsory education to 16, or to introduce a comprehensive system.

    source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_school#United_Kingdom

    in OUR language, stop trying so hard
     
  18. Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    Interesting. I hadn't ever heard of that.
     
  19. Prince Charon

    Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know?

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    Apart from a few that are non-neurotypical, non-biotypical, injured/ill, or some combination thereof, anyway (the total comes out to a tiny fraction of the teenage human population, but they do exist).

    "No, technically I volunteered to to be 'asked nicely' to do manual labour. Clearly, you define how nice the request needs to be."
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2019
  20. King of Frost

    King of Frost Wishing I was somewhere colder no doubt.

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    Well this is an extremely easily resolved cliff-hanger.

    "I made your presence on the Watchtower something to be desired. They'll probably ask you to upgrade it but you don't have to do it."
     
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  21. Handlewithcare

    Handlewithcare Not too sore, are you?

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    Honestly, I think Paul teasing her is a sign that he sees her as an actual equal or even superior.

    Also, she is old and experienced enough that if it really bothered her she would just tell him so honestly and he would stop.
     
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  22. RichardWhereat

    RichardWhereat Aia airëa Fëanáro.

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    In my language it means "What the fuck are the seppos trying to say now?"

    Back in my day it was:
    Pre-School 0
    Primary School 1-7
    High School 8-12
    University 13-Onwards
     
  23. Prince Charon

    Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know?

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    In a lot of the USA, 'middle school' means 'a school teaching grade levels 6, 7, ans 8,' which are roughly the same ages as the first three years at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter books (which I assume based the Hogwarts system on actual British boarding schools, because I recall several people saying that it did). Had not heard of 'college' being used to mean 'middle school,' though.
     
  24. Pinklestia

    Pinklestia Versed in the lewd.

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    "If by manual labour you mean trowing orange light at it and call a day."

    And it seems we are back at Oh El being terrible with people.

    Ia hilarious how Grayven acts more human that him. And Grayven is a baby New God while Oh El is a baby greed snake...

    Uh... Actually for his species, Oh El is not so bad. But he used to be way better with people. Seems like Enlightenment is negative in some ways.
     
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  25. Mr Zoat

    Mr Zoat Dedicated ragequitter

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    Only very broadly, and almost certainly not recently.
     
  26. Prince Charon

    Prince Charon Just zis guy, you know?

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    So, nineteenth century British boarding schools? IIRC, it was said to be loosely inspired by Tom Brown's School Days.
     
  27. Sockmonkey

    Sockmonkey Know what you're doing yet?

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    I love it when she talks dirty.

    There are people who don't like dressing like Chewbacca?
     
  28. Maxx Crowley

    Maxx Crowley I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    How in the world is OL being "terrible with people" when literally every single time Hinon opens her mouth, nothing but raging bitch comes out?
     
  29. Queshire

    Queshire Not too sore, are you?

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    Maybe I'm missing something but they both seem reasonable to me. =/
     
  30. Pinklestia

    Pinklestia Versed in the lewd.

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    And he made things worse by you know, not even asking.

    Grayven would have been way more polite and actually ask things.

    Should we change the name Paragon for Stubborn?
     
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