Davos
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Have some faith in Rin
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Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!
- Thread starter Davos
- Start date
alextheconqueror
Versed in the lewd.
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The Artorias are a special case
Competiton and food, two of the best ways to fire up Saber
Not surprised, they still have their dignity
You should see my family when it's time to eat
Huh, she would had been
I dunno, Avalon? Dragon Core shenanigans?
Oh, she is hiding something
That's some healthy paranoia, unlike the unhealthy paranoia she had before
Same, that's my type of vibe
I mean, she's not wrong
Why not do both?
A little too late for that
You should thank you have someone loaded
Yeah, that tracks, though I can see Saber Alter taking that tittle with pride
There's also that yeah
So this is a Berserker that probably fights like a Caster, Morgan is it you?
Then why did they accepted when they saw the address? Oh god, this was planned, this is a scheme from the cafe to take vengeance
Yeah, I can see that happening
That aso makes sense
I mean, Megumin still likes Kazuma but she isn't as much of a pervert as Darkness
She is totally into him
Ha! This is golden
She have a valid point
Ok, yeah, that's part of the curse to her, and Aqua I know you have a bias but don't encourage her
I mean, they weren't exactly wrong, just being assholes about it
Yeah, the fact he had to deal with this constantly is prove of his patience
Kazuma: Ugh, a robbery
Cu: *Grins* Oh, a robbery
He has a point
Never change Da vinci
I like how he thinks
Not surprised by this info, but surprised he decided to stop who I'm pretty sure is Billy The Kid
That makes sense to me, if a friend asked me to deal with a cult I would probably say "Son of a bitch, I'm in" but if it's a random thenno way unless he pays me
Yep, it's Billy
Oooooh, that should had burn
Tbf, I doubt many people can compare to you Mr "I am so good that my NP is my skill to shoot two times before my opponent attacks"
Yes, he would
Agree to disagree
Yep, that sums it up
Ikr, amateurs
Yep, can't think of anything but Drac witht he smartphone
Heh, classic
Wonder what he's planning
.... I feel a disturbance in the force
You probably will need that claim to be real
Oh, uh oh
Yep, that tracks
She is, a gremlin, adorable, incredibly funny idiot
I kinda wanna see
Huh, she is good
Correction, she ins incredibly good
He hit the food button
As long as you know the buttons to push
I'm not even surprised
No wonder he summoned Billy
*Don't fold don't fold fon't fold*
Time to judgement
Yes
This would probably give her leniency
Rin makes a valid point
You are telling me you didn't planned to do the same?
Here will come the gossip
Girl, look at the mirror before talking
Dust, good old Dust, just as cultured as ever
Not yet
Didn't he saved the city? Like multiple times?
Also all the charges against him were solved
Ok, that sounded racist, might affect a little how this come out XD
Yeah, that's what hurts more
I don't think they are hearing you anymore
That's never good to hear
This is why we don't leave them unsupervised
Not the moment Darkness they are having a panic attack
Oh, so this is what she was planning
This is good but there's one problem with this-
Dreams doesn't have copyright issues
Seriously man, I know Rin is gorgeous but be professional
Doesn't that count as bribing the judge? Why nobody is mentioning that
Using the fact that they intentionally agreed to go the house of people they already had problems before knowing very well how the last time went with one of them being considered an intruder by one of the residents and using it for a case against the succubus cafe for making fraud in the court? Who am I kidding, Rin isn't good enough at this to think of that
That's called hard stealth, search it up XD
He does, and that's a great Nickname
Too late, you are now Booty
I feel like a weird mixture of Gilgamesh and Shakespeare coming from him, I'm worried
Yeah, don't think reason will win this fight
Being honest, would react the same
Always bet on Billy for a quickdraw
.... I seeing red flags, crimson even!!
Oh god, this is gonna be like Vlad again
Huh, like a cowboy film
Shit, he used it
This makes me think of Edison NP
Oh, so following movie rules
Huh, I'm starting to like him
Something is something
You are sounding like my father, HA, like he ever would quit drinking
At least someone is enjoying herself
Wait a moment
This was the plan!?
She might be
You can't just destroy a manor everytime you have a problem!
I mean, it's a big country
No!
It is
Yep, she wants that with all her might
So using logic to get what you want, at least this is going to the right direction
Yeah, can't argue with that
Funny thing, this is how Kazuma felt
The irish victims are socializing
Yeah, that's part of the course with doing it with a celt
So drowning you in unrelenting bliss?
I mean, she also does it regularly
Wow, she is really into it
I mean, he has a point
She did something naughty~
Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha
She knows, she was just into the prank too XD
I think you meant glow
Also FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
And we have the king of de-escalation in his home turf, look how he take care of the troublesome females
Normally wouldn't be a good idea, but this Fergus is celibate now, still getting used to it
He is just dealing with too much at the moment
Davos
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That's some healthy paranoia, unlike the unhealthy paranoia she had before
Same, that's my type of vibe
Why not do both?
A little too late for that
You should thank you have someone loaded
Yeah, that tracks, though I can see Saber Alter taking that tittle with pride
So this is a Berserker that probably fights like a Caster, Morgan is it you?
Then why did they accepted when they saw the address? Oh god, this was planned, this is a scheme from the cafe to take vengeance
Yeah, I can see that happening
That aso makes sense
I mean, Megumin still likes Kazuma but she isn't as much of a pervert as Darkness
She is totally into him
Ha! This is golden
She have a valid point
Ok, yeah, that's part of the curse to her, and Aqua I know you have a bias but don't encourage her
I mean, they weren't exactly wrong, just being assholes about it
Yeah, the fact he had to deal with this constantly is prove of his patience
Kazuma: Ugh, a robbery
Cu: *Grins* Oh, a robbery
He has a point
Never change Da vinci
I like how he thinks
Not surprised by this info, but surprised he decided to stop who I'm pretty sure is Billy The Kid
That makes sense to me, if a friend asked me to deal with a cult I would probably say "Son of a bitch, I'm in" but if it's a random thenno way unless he pays me
Yep, it's Billy
Oooooh, that should had burn
Tbf, I doubt many people can compare to you Mr "I am so good that my NP is my skill to shoot two times before my opponent attacks"
Yes, he would
Agree to disagree
Yep, that sums it up
Ikr, amateurs
Yep, can't think of anything but Drac witht he smartphone
Heh, classic
Wonder what he's planning
.... I feel a disturbance in the force
You probably will need that claim to be real
Oh, uh oh
Yep, that tracks
She is, a gremlin, adorable, incredibly funny idiot
I kinda wanna see
Huh, she is good
Correction, she ins incredibly good
He hit the food button
As long as you know the buttons to push
I'm not even surprised
No wonder he summoned Billy
*Don't fold don't fold fon't fold*
Rin makes a valid point
You are telling me you didn't planned to do the same?
Here will come the gossip
Girl, look at the mirror before talking
Dust, good old Dust, just as cultured as ever
Not yet
Didn't he saved the city? Like multiple times?
Also all the charges against him were solved
Ok, that sounded racist, might affect a little how this come out XD
Yeah, that's what hurts more
I don't think they are hearing you anymore
That's never good to hear
This is why we don't leave them unsupervised
Not the moment Darkness they are having a panic attack
Oh, so this is what she was planning
This is good but there's one problem with this-
Dreams doesn't have copyright issues
Seriously man, I know Rin is gorgeous but be professional
Doesn't that count as bribing the judge? Why nobody is mentioning that
Using the fact that they intentionally agreed to go the house of people they already had problems before knowing very well how the last time went with one of them being considered an intruder by one of the residents and using it for a case against the succubus cafe for making fraud in the court? Who am I kidding, Rin isn't good enough at this to think of that
That's called hard stealth, search it up XD
He does, and that's a great Nickname
Too late, you are now Booty
I feel like a weird mixture of Gilgamesh and Shakespeare coming from him, I'm worried
Yeah, don't think reason will win this fight
Being honest, would react the same
Always bet on Billy for a quickdraw
.... I seeing red flags, crimson even!!
Oh god, this is gonna be like Vlad again
Huh, like a cowboy film
Shit, he used it
This makes me think of Edison NP
Oh, so following movie rules
Huh, I'm starting to like him
Something is something
You are sounding like my father, HA, like he ever would quit drinking
At least someone is enjoying herself
Wait a moment
This was the plan!?
She might be
You can't just destroy a manor everytime you have a problem!
I mean, it's a big country
No!
It is
Yep, she wants that with all her might
So using logic to get what you want, at least this is going to the right direction
Yeah, can't argue with that
Funny thing, this is how Kazuma felt
The irish victims are socializing
She did something naughty~
Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha
She knows, she was just into the prank too XD
I think you meant glow
Also FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
And we have the king of de-escalation in his home turf, look how he take care of the troublesome females
Normally wouldn't be a good idea, but this Fergus is celibate now, still getting used to it
He is just dealing with too much at the moment
Glad to hear. Feared it might have been seen as the deranged her in Romania
Same, but probably not the best type of plan
Multitasking is hard/ insulting him should be done with full focus
True.
....Robin is her sugar momma?
Due to being an alter or to mess with Artroira? Or both?
Not this time.
Wouldn't you take vengeance if three crazy adventurers bothered your bussiness?
Indeed
Indeed
No one is as much of a pervert as Darkness...except maybe Kiara?
Yep
Petty Darkness is a joy to write
Very...
You think Aqua wouldn't approve of blowing up succubi? Eris too if no collateral.
Maybe....
Her trial is only beginning.
Probably the Express' reaction too
Silly as it is
She probably won't
...Wonder if that will be an event in the game someday?
You are right.
Plus the Rappa angle...I am tempted to have her join in too, but writing her would be...
Yep
It did
How does that fare vs Servants though? I assume protection from arrows still works
Surprised you didn't mention the minor Fate abridged ref xd
They probably wont
hehe
Completly...though tbf, Grady was more bad horror movies than anything else, so Westerns are probably alien to him.
Drac?
Yeah
'Oh you'll find out, cause he's about to summon them!'
As intended
He does, but he is a gag character. he survives based on that alone.
Yeah...
Also yes
100% yes
Not as great as you think.
Indeed
Incredibly indeed
Muffin button/ shouldnt have done that
True
Aww
I thought it fitting or at least grounds for a good time
Do it...fold like a chair
She does, but this is the Belzerg courts
Does that make it less annoying?
Indeed
She tries not to...the armor has high stats
Wouldn't be Dust otherwise
Just got to think of a good moment for it
Yes, but he did also destroy part of the city in solving a problem his party caused
Huh....it did.
Took her money and didn't give her a good time. Least the church hot line fulfilled that promise
They aren't.
It'll get worse
Tbf, the bot wasn't programmed for those three
But she's having a joy attack
tbf, Darkness would love the plan.
Yeah....
Yeah....
Why not professionally petty? Besides, I am sure a few guys will be going there right away
If you were the judge, would you complain?
I know you probably aren't looking for a serious answer, but the cafe could say the new hire was unaware or there was snafu that day due to being busy
You mean fun?
Not for him
He will never accept those terms
A fairly good description I think of Grady
It never does
Same
Wouldn't other outlaws give him a hardtime for that title? Or Wyatt Earp's history of not getting shot?
Calm down Piccolo...but you are right.
Yep
Wouldn't a Grail War unless everyone used their np at least once
Kinda...I'll have to touch on it more in another chapter
Yep
Glad to hear...
Indeed
That's a little dark. You alright?
Might be worrisome if she wasn't.
You caught it
It is!
I think exasperated might be the better term.
....Why not?
It is but...
It is also one of the few places where they would hesitate sending law enforcement to
Only for demons and Eris cultists...most of them anyway
Yep
She does make a point
Unfortunately for her
I thought it would be a nice touch
Irish Dub Con Anonymous
Have some faith in her sensabilities...
but you're right
Did you expect Leysritt to say no?
I did, and I thought I changed it already...I'll double check
Not so much deescalate, as incapacitate.
In probably the most challenging place. I'm sure the succubi cafe would be less prone to misunderstandings
Very much so
alextheconqueror
Versed in the lewd.
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Nah, I know the difference since I have the healthy one wich is being aware that anything can go wrong, meanwhile the unhealthy one is thinking that everyone is against you until proven otherwise
But still the most comfortable to do XD
I see *Says a man whose ADHD make him multitask in everything*
When you think of that, yes
Both XD
Also Saber Alter is a known fan of fast food, you can see her eating burgers usually
Yeah, that makes sense-Did you say this time!?
Never said they were on the wrong, if anything, I respect the game
I would say Medb, Kiara is another whole beast(Hah, get it?) and is more Psycho tthan Pervert, though she is also a massive pervert but you get me
Completelly
I can see it XD
Rin should just embrace the degeneracy at this point
Yeah, those goddess hate of any kind of demon would make Frieren and the Doom Slayer proud
Probably would had better done it when not in the same place as the crazy bomber of Axel XD
Indeed
They follow the America Wizard mindset
I mean, I know I would want to rob a train in space
And we love her for that
I mean it sounds funny
They just fit so well
I know what you mean
Knew it
Well alongside his NP that basically guaranteed a shoot in the hearth and one in the head before the opponent can attack he also has a Skill wich from what I remember allows to do quickshoot faster and more precise, I would say that with a higher level of Protection of arrows(Or the modern variant wich I'm pretty sure is called Bulletproof treatment) or a high enough look(Artoria's level) to block one of the shoots, both of em if you want to block or dodge both
Though the NP doesn't make them actually a instant death it's just a sure hit but some servants can just shrugh it off
Ooooh, how didn't I noticed the Shirou patented phrase XD
I was more on the "I'm not a bomb" from Artoria, because she has been very trigger happy recently, it will probably fade when she calms a little, these few days had been stressfull for her
Hmm, Horror vs western, sounds like an interesting concept for a movie
The Hotel transilvania Dracula, you know the one who had a pretty goth daughterand always gets annoyed when someone imitates him saying "Bla bla bla"
Oh yeah
I see XD
So true
Still wanna see
We really are never getting out of the Abridged XD
It does
Nooo, oh fuck it, I will do as Gambit says, "I don't fold I go ALL IN"
Fair enough
No,no it doesn't
Makes sense, of course they would make Bikini enchanted armor lol
Indeed, and we love him that way
Makes sense
What about the destroyer incident? He didn't actually did anything wrong there
Unintended/unknown racism is the most funny racism
So true XD
It always does
So true, nothing is prepared for those three
I can see that
Yeah, she would
True, heh, we had the casual petty and the competitive petty, but they aren't prepared for professional petty
No, but at least I would hide it better
That technically would still count as negligence, huh, who would had thought that all those lawyer series that my aunt likes to watch would give me perspective
That too
Well sucks for him I gues
He doesn't need to
Why thank you
Never
It all comes to fame, Billy the kid is probably the most famous outlaw from what I remember, so that gives him and advantage
They need to DOOODGE
It would be a pretty lackluster one otherwise
It's a pretty similar design
It's just surprisingly charistmatic
Somewhat sick wich takes out my little dark self
True
Knew it XD
Tbf, you need to be at least a little crazy to be part of the moonlight world
You will get out of accessible manors to burn and then what will you do? Burn a house? Is not as cathartic as a manor
...Not worth it
XD
She does
Poor Rin
It was
Pffff
Was I wrong?
That's what I thought
Never
Huh,well, we'll see
Incapacitation is still a form of Deescalation
Yep. poor Fergus, your sacrifice won't be in vain
Cu-nosuba Chapter 35b5: Facing A Personal Hell, and Misadventures of The Debt Party
New
Davos
laxing0@gmail
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Archer looks down at the blonde man in a colorful coat drinking coffee; someone else sits with him, but their face is obscured by an umbrella.
'Strange…Did not think this Aventurine would be so…relaxed. I would think his servant is powerful, but given the mostly safe nature of this war, I doubt it is anything to worry-' Archer stops and stares when Master and Servant stand up.
'Oh God…' Emiya thinks before noticing TV screens on the street zipping through footage like someone hit the fast forward button.
'That can't be good either…'
===
"…I still don't think running into the same trap Boothill and Billy did is a good idea." Kazuma says.
"Loath as I am to agree with it, a little information gathering would be wise." Artoria says, making Kazuma's brow twitch at being called a thing.
"Sometimes it's not about making wise decisions, it's about making a choice you won't regret." Stella says with a raised clenched fist and a smile.
Kazuma looks at her blankly.
"…What the Hell are you talking about?"
"Trailblazing!" Caelus says with fists on his hips. Stella copies the pose a second later.
"…Are they drunk?" Kazuma asks March.
"No, but I can see why you would think that without context." March says while dressed in a red and black fighting outfit with white thigh high leggings that leaves just enough thigh to be eye catching while brandishing two short swords.
'…She really does make any outfit look good.' Kazuma thinks before seeing March catch him looking.
"…I really hope this isn't what Artoria was talking about."
"What slander did she say?"
"No slander, just the truth." Artoria says while looking at the mascot of the park, a smiling anthropomorphized clock in shorts.
"That would be a first."
"Because your morals are beyond reproach?"
"I agree, he's terrible." Stella says, shocking them both before she continues.
"He still hasn't shared those pictures!"
"I'll show you later when the blue thing isn't around." Kazuma says, making Artoria draw her blade.
"…How have you lived this long after antagonizing a Servant?" Dan Heng asks.
"Long, colorful story…it starts with white~." Cu says with a grin while meeting Artoria's glare.
"I wouldn't mind hearing the details!" Da Vinci says with a smile, making Himeko sigh.
"…Maybe you should apologize to her? She doesn't seem to like whatever happened before." Medea suggests, making Artoria glance at her.
'I don't hate her suggestion but…There is so much wrong with her of all people saying that.' Artoria thinks.
"…Can I see it too?" Caelus asks.
"You're not old enough." Stella says with a grin.
"We're the same age!"
"I'm a minute older!" Stella says with crossed arms.
"But a minute has passed so-" Caelus stops when he sees the screens at the theme park entrance flicker before showing Grady and Skott, now unarmored, smiling at them.
"Guests of the Express, I welcome you…to your doom!" Grady on the screen says.
"Awww, too scared to greet the Galactic Baseballers in person?" Caelus asks.
"There is no need to greet worms in person…" Grady says while adjusting his cap.
"Or, better yet, dogs~!" Skott finishes with a wide smile. Stella looks at the screen in confusion before raising a hand to her chest and looking at Skott with sincerity.
"…Are you my Servant?" She asks in a loud voice, making everyone present sigh, cup their head, stare flatly, or in Da Vinci's case, smile.
Grady looks on puzzled.
Skott silently gasps, before shaking with anger.
"Did you forget who I am?! After everything in Arum Alley, and that contest where you resorted to food poisoning and hacking IPC mechs!?"
"She did what with food?" Artoria asks.
"It was horrible! They told me it was tradition on the Loufou or something, and me and my men couldn't fight! And that was before the mech hacking! Do you have any idea how much hazard pay we had to give that mech pilot and grunts?! I couldn't show myself around the office for months without hearing snickering!"
"Don't be silly Sean, they snickered long before that!"
"My name is-Grrrrrrrr!"
"And I didn't poison the food or hack the mechs, friends did that Mr. Grrrr!" Stella says.
'The Hell kind of friends does she have?' Kazuma wonders as the guy on screen starts foaming in the corner of his mouth.
"Wait, wasn't this the guy that congratulated you for that?" Caelus asks.
"Don't remind me…the respect he showed me that day still makes me feel slimy…" March says.
"I'll make you feel slimier yet!" Skott says.
"You can't, that's my job!" Stella says, making March grimace.
"…I can respect eagerness, but that is simply crass." Da Vinci says.
"That's not what I-"
"Leave the dialogue to me Master…"
"You're right…no one will hear their screams!" Skott says as Grady raises his arms, a puff of smoke appearing some distance from the group as Skott and Grady emerge from the fumes.
Stella brings out her quill, Caelus his hat, and the others there weapons.
As Stella begins writing in the air, she vanishs.
Then do Caelus and March, followed by Dan and Cu.
Da Vinci gasps.
"A…multi faceted Reality Marble?!"
"You deduced the nature of my Noble Phantasm?!...No matter, even knowing it will not save you from the 'Silent Horror Picture-!" Grady falls to a knee when Artoria appears and cleaves through him. He looks at her with a smile.
"Show!"
Artoria vanishes and so do the others.
Skott laughs happily.
"My dream is within reach! And the fact they are all suffering makes it better!"
"Indeed! Let us celebrate with popcorn as we watch their suffering in their own personal Hells!"
===
'This is Hell…' Rin thinks as she looks over the details of the letter and their reparations.
10 million Eris, and loss of the manor until it is paid off.
"…Are they any jobs with high payouts?" Rin asks and Darkness smiles.
"That don't include dragons, hydras, or similarly huge monsters. I'm still only level 3 remember?"
Darkness frowns.
"Unfortunately those are the only ones with a significant pay…The rest are fine for daily expenses but…" Megumin trails off and Rin sighs in understanding.
"Let's….just start with some quests…Any more toad hunting?" Rin asks.
"That's usually common this time of year. Let's go to the guild." Aqua says and they head over to the guild to see Luna, the blonde receptionist of the guild, taking down posters.
When they get closer, they see it is for the toad hunting quest.
"Isn't there still a few more weeks until they go into hibernation?" Megumin asks.
"Yes, but they recently been displaying odd behaviors…notably an aversion to the color… red." Luna says before looking at Rin.
"Wait…you don't mean…"
"…They've been moving away from the neighboring area so there is no need for quests…Uh….congratulations?" Luna says with a smile while scratching her cheek.
The party is looking to the floor, their ennui renewed.
"…And I liked your idea of using bait too…" Megumin says.
"There has to be another quest we can do…" Rin says while looking at the board.
"Experiment for magical durability, no…Hydra returned to a lake, definitely no for now at least, internship at the succubi c- wait a minute, what the-?!" Rin rereads the last one in shock.
"This is just a job posting!"
"And one we cannot apply for…" Darkness says, pointing to a bit at the end, saying Arch priestesses, Arch-Wizards, Crusaders, and depraved Sword Masters in red need not apply.
"I wasn't going to apply, and I am not depraved!" Rin says while tearing the poster in half.
Luna calmly puts a new one up.
"There are gathering quests…including for a rare types of plants that only grow this month. I'm sure that can help you." She says while handing Rin a flier.
"Oh, thank you…but I have to ask, why the help?"
"I've known Kazuma and his party for awhile, and they helped us out of some bad situations…even if they did cause some of them, and I can kind of commiserate with you over a lack of options…" Luna says with a pained grin before going back to work.
'…Not sure what she means by that, but I'm not going to press her on it. For now let's go-oh my!' Rin looks at the poster more closely and nearly drops it.
5,000 Eris a herb.
4,200 for a bag full of grass
10,000 Eris for a mushroom.
Rin smiles along with Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin.
Then she frowns with one nagging revelation when she sees other groups avoid other copies of the quest on the board.
'…If this is such a lucrative quest, why is no one taking it?'
===
Billy finds himself shackled in a prison cell as a tray of food is slid his way.
It is a chuck of meat, burnt on one side, under cooked on the other, with a bit of mold on a corner. The mashed potatoes look lazily mashed with dark spots, and a cup of old, cold coffee.
"Enjoy your final meal, scumbag. Hangman's waiting for you."
===
Da Vinci is awake before the alarm rings. She waits a minute before shutting it off and going to begin her day.
A quick breakfast, shower, and overly strong cup of coffee that reminds her of something, but she is not sure what.
She shakes off the feeling and goes to work at the gas station, making sure to bring her warm coat for the cold winter day ahead of her of filling up people's cars.
===
Boothill walks down the hall on one foot, the other gone now, two gun barrels jabbing into his back until he is forced into a seat and strapped in. A feat proven oddly awkward since his cyborg arms were taken off, as well his lower mandible.
A headset is tied to his head and a paper with a script is presented for him to read from.
"Welcome to your first day in the IPC hotline."
Boothill would scream if that vocal function was available to him.
===
Himeko looks in vacant eyed horror at the ruins of the express before her now. The time she gave to repair undone in seconds, and she is stranded on desolate planet without anyone alive, and only with rusty metal parts and duct tape for her endeavor.
===
"Enjoy your stay, traitor." A jailor says before throwing Dan Heng inside.
"I am not Dan Feng! That was my past life, I am-" The click of a crossbow bolt aimed for his head silences him.
===
Stella runs down the alley way, the sound of a dozen skipping steps in wooden sandals not leaving her ears.
"Why the rush, Gray Hair? Don't you want to play a little longer? It's not like you can escape~."
===
Caelus is unable to stop himself from swinging his bat into Pom Pom's face.
A voice resonates in his head, the words foreign, but the meaning clear enough.
"Good…now the rest…as per my will." Nanook says in monotone.
===
The priest smiles his lightless smile as Cu returns, a fresh coat of blood on his spear.
"What do you have to report, Child of Light?"
===
"Wow…some are dark, and March 7th's is missing, but seeing them squirm is so delightful!" Skott says.
"To be expected Master, my Noble Phantasm gives me pertinent biographical information, thus allowing me construct the ultimate personal horror experience! I believe a term for it 'Reality Marble' but I believe mine has more nuance…That said, I am disturbed that the pink haired one is…missing…I'll find her later, for now onto the next one!" Grady says as Skott takes a sip of Soul Glad soda.
On the screen is Medea Lily, covered in blood, standing over two small cloth covered bodies, still smiling the same sweet smile before laughing happily.
"Oh thank goodness! I thought it would be so much worse…at least Jason is still alive…by the way…" She trails off before looking right at Skott and Grady.
"How much longer are you going to keep me here you dilettante of a Caster?"
Skott stops sipping and Grady pales before coughing into a fist and changing the channel.
"There's something deeply wrong with that one…" Grady mutters, making a note to change aspects of her filming experience before gasping at the sight that is on the screen.
===
"So…any of you know what these plants and herbs do to get such a high price tag?" Rin asks the trio.
"I do not." Darkness says.
"I've seen a similar grass like this back home but…" Megumin takes a bit of grass and chews on it before spitting it out.
"Different kind, too sweet..."
"You didn't know about them when you took the quest?"
"I was looking at the reward value…"
"How greedy…but I can't fault you for that yet. As for the grass and herbs, they are highly sought after by chefs and potion makers for both their taste and calming effects."
"And why is the herb that is worth twice as much?" Rin asks.
"Basically magical pot…but I don't think that's why it was so valuable." Aqua says and Rin drops her bag of herbs.
"…I'm in debt to succubi, had my reputation ruined upon arrival, and have become a drug mule to get out of said debt…how can bs second life get any worse?"
"But you ruined your reputation all on your own." Aqua says, and Rin raises a glowing fist, only stopping when a loud roar is heard nearby, making all four women freeze.
"…What was that?" Rin asks.
"I…Oh no…" Aqua mutters as Megumin looks over the poster and turns it over, her pale cheeks hitting a new shade of white.
"…We're in Rookie Killer territory…"
"Amazing~!" Darkness pants out as two giant black cat like monsters emerge.
"I don't suppose you know lurk?" Aqua asks and Rin remains silent.
"We should-" Aqua stops when she sees Rin smiling.
"…How much are the skins of these glorified house cats worth?" Rin asks with a glint in her eye as she raises her sword.
'Oh my me, she's crazy with greed…'
===
"Who's Hell is this? The blonde knight's or that other guy?" Skott asks.
"…I do not know. They are both here."
"What? But I thought your Noble Phantasm separated people? A 'divide and conquer' thing!"
"It does…but it still allows for the spirit of resistance, so person's with exceptional will who also know it is an illusion can fight back…or if they possess exceptional luck."
"…Is the Saber class known for it's luck?"
"Some are, but I suspect her magical resistance is playing a part too…and the fact she has reunited with someone is proof of that…but that doesn't explain the young man, he is not a-" Grady says before seeing the blonde knight raise her sword at the young man in green.
===
'So…this is my personal Hell?' Artoria and Kazuma think while looking at the other.
Then Artoria raises her blade.
"I'm not a figment of your imagination." Kazuma says while raising a hand towards Artoria.
"Sounds like something a fledgling night terror would say." Artoria says, tightening the grip on her hilt.
"Now I know it's the actual Artoria. No film director could get that pompous tone down pat."
"Oh, it is you…" Artoria says, blade still raised as she considers the situation.
Then laughter rings out. They both look to the side and see a twin tailed girl in red with a mask on the side of her head approach with a skip.
"My apologies, I didn't expect to meet anyone else in this not so grand illusion. Least of all two who want to kill each other."
"Who are you?" Artoria asks with a frown.
'Great, another dark haired girl in red with twin tails…' Artoria thinks.
"Just a friendly passerby caught up in this…Grail War, was it?"
"If that's the case, then why are you here?" Kazuma asks, making the girl tilt her head.
"You don't know? I suppose not…you seem…to be from far away like blondy here. Come take a look at this." The young woman says, gesturing to some TVs behind a glass. On the screen are the other members of the Express and other random people in various scenes of terror and despair.
"What in the- Is this…a Noble Phantasm?" Artoria asks.
"Nothing noble about it…Seems the author of this little thing has people trapped in a little reality of their own."
"Then why are we unaffected? Her I get, but you and me?" Kazuma asks.
The young woman tilts her head.
"…What is your path?"
"What kind of question is- wait…" Kazuma recalls something upon his arrival.
"I…think I am on Elation?"
"That explains it." The woman says with a big smile, drawing puzzled looks from Artoria and Kazuma.
"Each Path manifests itself differently in each person, but they all typical become stronger than the average person as well as a few little perks…One of Elation's perks is a fair bit of resistance to illusions and other mental trappings like this; Harmony too." The woman says before showing her phone, showing her own path.
They also see Command Seals on her hand, prompting both Kazuma and Artoria to take a step back.
She giggles.
"Oh relax, if I wanted to hurt you, I wouldn't have explained that, now would I? Besides, my Servant seems as vulnerable to this Noble Phantasm so I would need to burn a seal to get him out, and I am unsure he would stay out, so I suspect need your help as much as you need mine."
"That…is fair…but what is your name?" Kazuma asks
"You can call me Sparkle~."
===
Rin returns to Axel standing on top of the two bodies of the Rookie Killers as Darkness pulls the cart with a smile.
It took a lot of convincing to make Darkness not put the horse bit in her mouth.
'My luck is turning around…16 herbs, 10 grass bundles, and 50 mushrooms equals a million! And that is before whatever amount these things will bring in! Not to mention the complete reversal of my reputation now!' Rin thinks with a smile as she hops down and finalizes the quest, smiling with full radiance at hearing each Rookie Killer is worth a million.
'3 million in one day! We should go hunting these things again! We can ay this debt off in a week before any interest incurs!'
"Excuse me!" A young man with dark hair in armor waves at her, two women following alongside him.
"Yes?"
"Are you the one that killed those Rookie Killers?"
"It was a party effort, but yes."
"Amazing…to be a Sword Master and able to vanquish such a monster already…Would you consider joining my party? My name is Kyouya Mitsurugi."
===In another timeline===
Emiya blows into the harmonica, making the guard at the front bang his head on the desk before walking over.
"This is…the 19th time today."
"Won't be a 20th if you let us out." Emiya says before continuing to badly play a blues tune before it is taken again.
"Do you really need to trouble the guards so? They are just doing their job." Shirou Kotomine asks.
"So were we."
"…I am mostly certain I stabbed Darnic for joyful reasons."
"Mostly certain?" Emiya asks with a smirk.
"I am trying to maintain some level of-" Shirou stops when a Darnic looking doll is thrown his way.
"…Do you really think I would just grab that?"
"What if I told you I dabbled a bit in voodoo and the real Darnic would feel every stab and twist?"
"I wouldn't believe you. If you could do that, then why all the swords and arrows?"
"Only works if I know the target to a certain level. Usually don't have the time so an arrow to the heart suffices."
"…So why didn't you use it on yourself?"
"Because it would also affect me, and in most cases the other me has Avalon, giving him increased healing. But the real question is, does it actually affect Darnic?" Emiya asks with a grin before tracing another harmonica.
The guard up front sighs as a rip appears in front of him.
"Hello again! It's me, A-"
"I don't care who you claim to be, I am not taking the word of an inter-dimensional rip in the air to let two murders out of my jail! Especially one that uses Eris as a character witness!" The guard shouts before feeling his blood pressure with the sound of another harmonica playing.
Then a bag of money lands on his desk.
"…Did you actually get bail money for those two?"
"Yes!"
"How?"
"I got it from a corrupt bank that was going out of business soon! There's also a little extra for your early retirement~." Alaya says with lilt. The guard was about to deny taking such a blatant bribe until another misplayed note is heard.
He leaves the cell keys on the desk and takes the money.
'Strange…Did not think this Aventurine would be so…relaxed. I would think his servant is powerful, but given the mostly safe nature of this war, I doubt it is anything to worry-' Archer stops and stares when Master and Servant stand up.
'Oh God…' Emiya thinks before noticing TV screens on the street zipping through footage like someone hit the fast forward button.
'That can't be good either…'
===
"…I still don't think running into the same trap Boothill and Billy did is a good idea." Kazuma says.
"Loath as I am to agree with it, a little information gathering would be wise." Artoria says, making Kazuma's brow twitch at being called a thing.
"Sometimes it's not about making wise decisions, it's about making a choice you won't regret." Stella says with a raised clenched fist and a smile.
Kazuma looks at her blankly.
"…What the Hell are you talking about?"
"Trailblazing!" Caelus says with fists on his hips. Stella copies the pose a second later.
"…Are they drunk?" Kazuma asks March.
"No, but I can see why you would think that without context." March says while dressed in a red and black fighting outfit with white thigh high leggings that leaves just enough thigh to be eye catching while brandishing two short swords.
'…She really does make any outfit look good.' Kazuma thinks before seeing March catch him looking.
"…I really hope this isn't what Artoria was talking about."
"What slander did she say?"
"No slander, just the truth." Artoria says while looking at the mascot of the park, a smiling anthropomorphized clock in shorts.
"That would be a first."
"Because your morals are beyond reproach?"
"I agree, he's terrible." Stella says, shocking them both before she continues.
"He still hasn't shared those pictures!"
"I'll show you later when the blue thing isn't around." Kazuma says, making Artoria draw her blade.
"…How have you lived this long after antagonizing a Servant?" Dan Heng asks.
"Long, colorful story…it starts with white~." Cu says with a grin while meeting Artoria's glare.
"I wouldn't mind hearing the details!" Da Vinci says with a smile, making Himeko sigh.
"…Maybe you should apologize to her? She doesn't seem to like whatever happened before." Medea suggests, making Artoria glance at her.
'I don't hate her suggestion but…There is so much wrong with her of all people saying that.' Artoria thinks.
"…Can I see it too?" Caelus asks.
"You're not old enough." Stella says with a grin.
"We're the same age!"
"I'm a minute older!" Stella says with crossed arms.
"But a minute has passed so-" Caelus stops when he sees the screens at the theme park entrance flicker before showing Grady and Skott, now unarmored, smiling at them.
"Guests of the Express, I welcome you…to your doom!" Grady on the screen says.
"Awww, too scared to greet the Galactic Baseballers in person?" Caelus asks.
"There is no need to greet worms in person…" Grady says while adjusting his cap.
"Or, better yet, dogs~!" Skott finishes with a wide smile. Stella looks at the screen in confusion before raising a hand to her chest and looking at Skott with sincerity.
"…Are you my Servant?" She asks in a loud voice, making everyone present sigh, cup their head, stare flatly, or in Da Vinci's case, smile.
Grady looks on puzzled.
Skott silently gasps, before shaking with anger.
"Did you forget who I am?! After everything in Arum Alley, and that contest where you resorted to food poisoning and hacking IPC mechs!?"
"She did what with food?" Artoria asks.
"It was horrible! They told me it was tradition on the Loufou or something, and me and my men couldn't fight! And that was before the mech hacking! Do you have any idea how much hazard pay we had to give that mech pilot and grunts?! I couldn't show myself around the office for months without hearing snickering!"
"Don't be silly Sean, they snickered long before that!"
"My name is-Grrrrrrrr!"
"And I didn't poison the food or hack the mechs, friends did that Mr. Grrrr!" Stella says.
'The Hell kind of friends does she have?' Kazuma wonders as the guy on screen starts foaming in the corner of his mouth.
"Wait, wasn't this the guy that congratulated you for that?" Caelus asks.
"Don't remind me…the respect he showed me that day still makes me feel slimy…" March says.
"I'll make you feel slimier yet!" Skott says.
"You can't, that's my job!" Stella says, making March grimace.
"…I can respect eagerness, but that is simply crass." Da Vinci says.
"That's not what I-"
"Leave the dialogue to me Master…"
"You're right…no one will hear their screams!" Skott says as Grady raises his arms, a puff of smoke appearing some distance from the group as Skott and Grady emerge from the fumes.
Stella brings out her quill, Caelus his hat, and the others there weapons.
As Stella begins writing in the air, she vanishs.
Then do Caelus and March, followed by Dan and Cu.
Da Vinci gasps.
"A…multi faceted Reality Marble?!"
"You deduced the nature of my Noble Phantasm?!...No matter, even knowing it will not save you from the 'Silent Horror Picture-!" Grady falls to a knee when Artoria appears and cleaves through him. He looks at her with a smile.
"Show!"
Artoria vanishes and so do the others.
Skott laughs happily.
"My dream is within reach! And the fact they are all suffering makes it better!"
"Indeed! Let us celebrate with popcorn as we watch their suffering in their own personal Hells!"
===
'This is Hell…' Rin thinks as she looks over the details of the letter and their reparations.
10 million Eris, and loss of the manor until it is paid off.
"…Are they any jobs with high payouts?" Rin asks and Darkness smiles.
"That don't include dragons, hydras, or similarly huge monsters. I'm still only level 3 remember?"
Darkness frowns.
"Unfortunately those are the only ones with a significant pay…The rest are fine for daily expenses but…" Megumin trails off and Rin sighs in understanding.
"Let's….just start with some quests…Any more toad hunting?" Rin asks.
"That's usually common this time of year. Let's go to the guild." Aqua says and they head over to the guild to see Luna, the blonde receptionist of the guild, taking down posters.
When they get closer, they see it is for the toad hunting quest.
"Isn't there still a few more weeks until they go into hibernation?" Megumin asks.
"Yes, but they recently been displaying odd behaviors…notably an aversion to the color… red." Luna says before looking at Rin.
"Wait…you don't mean…"
"…They've been moving away from the neighboring area so there is no need for quests…Uh….congratulations?" Luna says with a smile while scratching her cheek.
The party is looking to the floor, their ennui renewed.
"…And I liked your idea of using bait too…" Megumin says.
"There has to be another quest we can do…" Rin says while looking at the board.
"Experiment for magical durability, no…Hydra returned to a lake, definitely no for now at least, internship at the succubi c- wait a minute, what the-?!" Rin rereads the last one in shock.
"This is just a job posting!"
"And one we cannot apply for…" Darkness says, pointing to a bit at the end, saying Arch priestesses, Arch-Wizards, Crusaders, and depraved Sword Masters in red need not apply.
"I wasn't going to apply, and I am not depraved!" Rin says while tearing the poster in half.
Luna calmly puts a new one up.
"There are gathering quests…including for a rare types of plants that only grow this month. I'm sure that can help you." She says while handing Rin a flier.
"Oh, thank you…but I have to ask, why the help?"
"I've known Kazuma and his party for awhile, and they helped us out of some bad situations…even if they did cause some of them, and I can kind of commiserate with you over a lack of options…" Luna says with a pained grin before going back to work.
'…Not sure what she means by that, but I'm not going to press her on it. For now let's go-oh my!' Rin looks at the poster more closely and nearly drops it.
5,000 Eris a herb.
4,200 for a bag full of grass
10,000 Eris for a mushroom.
Rin smiles along with Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin.
Then she frowns with one nagging revelation when she sees other groups avoid other copies of the quest on the board.
'…If this is such a lucrative quest, why is no one taking it?'
===
Billy finds himself shackled in a prison cell as a tray of food is slid his way.
It is a chuck of meat, burnt on one side, under cooked on the other, with a bit of mold on a corner. The mashed potatoes look lazily mashed with dark spots, and a cup of old, cold coffee.
"Enjoy your final meal, scumbag. Hangman's waiting for you."
===
Da Vinci is awake before the alarm rings. She waits a minute before shutting it off and going to begin her day.
A quick breakfast, shower, and overly strong cup of coffee that reminds her of something, but she is not sure what.
She shakes off the feeling and goes to work at the gas station, making sure to bring her warm coat for the cold winter day ahead of her of filling up people's cars.
===
Boothill walks down the hall on one foot, the other gone now, two gun barrels jabbing into his back until he is forced into a seat and strapped in. A feat proven oddly awkward since his cyborg arms were taken off, as well his lower mandible.
A headset is tied to his head and a paper with a script is presented for him to read from.
"Welcome to your first day in the IPC hotline."
Boothill would scream if that vocal function was available to him.
===
Himeko looks in vacant eyed horror at the ruins of the express before her now. The time she gave to repair undone in seconds, and she is stranded on desolate planet without anyone alive, and only with rusty metal parts and duct tape for her endeavor.
===
"Enjoy your stay, traitor." A jailor says before throwing Dan Heng inside.
"I am not Dan Feng! That was my past life, I am-" The click of a crossbow bolt aimed for his head silences him.
===
Stella runs down the alley way, the sound of a dozen skipping steps in wooden sandals not leaving her ears.
"Why the rush, Gray Hair? Don't you want to play a little longer? It's not like you can escape~."
===
Caelus is unable to stop himself from swinging his bat into Pom Pom's face.
A voice resonates in his head, the words foreign, but the meaning clear enough.
"Good…now the rest…as per my will." Nanook says in monotone.
===
The priest smiles his lightless smile as Cu returns, a fresh coat of blood on his spear.
"What do you have to report, Child of Light?"
===
"Wow…some are dark, and March 7th's is missing, but seeing them squirm is so delightful!" Skott says.
"To be expected Master, my Noble Phantasm gives me pertinent biographical information, thus allowing me construct the ultimate personal horror experience! I believe a term for it 'Reality Marble' but I believe mine has more nuance…That said, I am disturbed that the pink haired one is…missing…I'll find her later, for now onto the next one!" Grady says as Skott takes a sip of Soul Glad soda.
On the screen is Medea Lily, covered in blood, standing over two small cloth covered bodies, still smiling the same sweet smile before laughing happily.
"Oh thank goodness! I thought it would be so much worse…at least Jason is still alive…by the way…" She trails off before looking right at Skott and Grady.
"How much longer are you going to keep me here you dilettante of a Caster?"
Skott stops sipping and Grady pales before coughing into a fist and changing the channel.
"There's something deeply wrong with that one…" Grady mutters, making a note to change aspects of her filming experience before gasping at the sight that is on the screen.
===
"So…any of you know what these plants and herbs do to get such a high price tag?" Rin asks the trio.
"I do not." Darkness says.
"I've seen a similar grass like this back home but…" Megumin takes a bit of grass and chews on it before spitting it out.
"Different kind, too sweet..."
"You didn't know about them when you took the quest?"
"I was looking at the reward value…"
"How greedy…but I can't fault you for that yet. As for the grass and herbs, they are highly sought after by chefs and potion makers for both their taste and calming effects."
"And why is the herb that is worth twice as much?" Rin asks.
"Basically magical pot…but I don't think that's why it was so valuable." Aqua says and Rin drops her bag of herbs.
"…I'm in debt to succubi, had my reputation ruined upon arrival, and have become a drug mule to get out of said debt…how can bs second life get any worse?"
"But you ruined your reputation all on your own." Aqua says, and Rin raises a glowing fist, only stopping when a loud roar is heard nearby, making all four women freeze.
"…What was that?" Rin asks.
"I…Oh no…" Aqua mutters as Megumin looks over the poster and turns it over, her pale cheeks hitting a new shade of white.
"…We're in Rookie Killer territory…"
"Amazing~!" Darkness pants out as two giant black cat like monsters emerge.
"I don't suppose you know lurk?" Aqua asks and Rin remains silent.
"We should-" Aqua stops when she sees Rin smiling.
"…How much are the skins of these glorified house cats worth?" Rin asks with a glint in her eye as she raises her sword.
'Oh my me, she's crazy with greed…'
===
"Who's Hell is this? The blonde knight's or that other guy?" Skott asks.
"…I do not know. They are both here."
"What? But I thought your Noble Phantasm separated people? A 'divide and conquer' thing!"
"It does…but it still allows for the spirit of resistance, so person's with exceptional will who also know it is an illusion can fight back…or if they possess exceptional luck."
"…Is the Saber class known for it's luck?"
"Some are, but I suspect her magical resistance is playing a part too…and the fact she has reunited with someone is proof of that…but that doesn't explain the young man, he is not a-" Grady says before seeing the blonde knight raise her sword at the young man in green.
===
'So…this is my personal Hell?' Artoria and Kazuma think while looking at the other.
Then Artoria raises her blade.
"I'm not a figment of your imagination." Kazuma says while raising a hand towards Artoria.
"Sounds like something a fledgling night terror would say." Artoria says, tightening the grip on her hilt.
"Now I know it's the actual Artoria. No film director could get that pompous tone down pat."
"Oh, it is you…" Artoria says, blade still raised as she considers the situation.
Then laughter rings out. They both look to the side and see a twin tailed girl in red with a mask on the side of her head approach with a skip.
"My apologies, I didn't expect to meet anyone else in this not so grand illusion. Least of all two who want to kill each other."
"Who are you?" Artoria asks with a frown.
'Great, another dark haired girl in red with twin tails…' Artoria thinks.
"Just a friendly passerby caught up in this…Grail War, was it?"
"If that's the case, then why are you here?" Kazuma asks, making the girl tilt her head.
"You don't know? I suppose not…you seem…to be from far away like blondy here. Come take a look at this." The young woman says, gesturing to some TVs behind a glass. On the screen are the other members of the Express and other random people in various scenes of terror and despair.
"What in the- Is this…a Noble Phantasm?" Artoria asks.
"Nothing noble about it…Seems the author of this little thing has people trapped in a little reality of their own."
"Then why are we unaffected? Her I get, but you and me?" Kazuma asks.
The young woman tilts her head.
"…What is your path?"
"What kind of question is- wait…" Kazuma recalls something upon his arrival.
"I…think I am on Elation?"
"That explains it." The woman says with a big smile, drawing puzzled looks from Artoria and Kazuma.
"Each Path manifests itself differently in each person, but they all typical become stronger than the average person as well as a few little perks…One of Elation's perks is a fair bit of resistance to illusions and other mental trappings like this; Harmony too." The woman says before showing her phone, showing her own path.
They also see Command Seals on her hand, prompting both Kazuma and Artoria to take a step back.
She giggles.
"Oh relax, if I wanted to hurt you, I wouldn't have explained that, now would I? Besides, my Servant seems as vulnerable to this Noble Phantasm so I would need to burn a seal to get him out, and I am unsure he would stay out, so I suspect need your help as much as you need mine."
"That…is fair…but what is your name?" Kazuma asks
"You can call me Sparkle~."
===
Rin returns to Axel standing on top of the two bodies of the Rookie Killers as Darkness pulls the cart with a smile.
It took a lot of convincing to make Darkness not put the horse bit in her mouth.
'My luck is turning around…16 herbs, 10 grass bundles, and 50 mushrooms equals a million! And that is before whatever amount these things will bring in! Not to mention the complete reversal of my reputation now!' Rin thinks with a smile as she hops down and finalizes the quest, smiling with full radiance at hearing each Rookie Killer is worth a million.
'3 million in one day! We should go hunting these things again! We can ay this debt off in a week before any interest incurs!'
"Excuse me!" A young man with dark hair in armor waves at her, two women following alongside him.
"Yes?"
"Are you the one that killed those Rookie Killers?"
"It was a party effort, but yes."
"Amazing…to be a Sword Master and able to vanquish such a monster already…Would you consider joining my party? My name is Kyouya Mitsurugi."
===In another timeline===
Emiya blows into the harmonica, making the guard at the front bang his head on the desk before walking over.
"This is…the 19th time today."
"Won't be a 20th if you let us out." Emiya says before continuing to badly play a blues tune before it is taken again.
"Do you really need to trouble the guards so? They are just doing their job." Shirou Kotomine asks.
"So were we."
"…I am mostly certain I stabbed Darnic for joyful reasons."
"Mostly certain?" Emiya asks with a smirk.
"I am trying to maintain some level of-" Shirou stops when a Darnic looking doll is thrown his way.
"…Do you really think I would just grab that?"
"What if I told you I dabbled a bit in voodoo and the real Darnic would feel every stab and twist?"
"I wouldn't believe you. If you could do that, then why all the swords and arrows?"
"Only works if I know the target to a certain level. Usually don't have the time so an arrow to the heart suffices."
"…So why didn't you use it on yourself?"
"Because it would also affect me, and in most cases the other me has Avalon, giving him increased healing. But the real question is, does it actually affect Darnic?" Emiya asks with a grin before tracing another harmonica.
The guard up front sighs as a rip appears in front of him.
"Hello again! It's me, A-"
"I don't care who you claim to be, I am not taking the word of an inter-dimensional rip in the air to let two murders out of my jail! Especially one that uses Eris as a character witness!" The guard shouts before feeling his blood pressure with the sound of another harmonica playing.
Then a bag of money lands on his desk.
"…Did you actually get bail money for those two?"
"Yes!"
"How?"
"I got it from a corrupt bank that was going out of business soon! There's also a little extra for your early retirement~." Alaya says with lilt. The guard was about to deny taking such a blatant bribe until another misplayed note is heard.
He leaves the cell keys on the desk and takes the money.
alextheconqueror
Versed in the lewd.
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2022
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That's usually not a good signal
It doesn't look like it will be good at all
When those two agree with each other you know it's a bad idea
That would sound more inspiring and/or philosophical in any other situation
Just smile and nod Kazuma, smile and nod
They are just weird
I'll say
Ok let's not beat the busj, did you tell her about the bribes of food for the modeling time?
That and you tend to blow thing out of proportion
Yeah, that tracks
Should had probably said it when she wasn't there
Bold of you to assume he survived
Oh, you are in for a treat
Just be happy you are seeing her good side
Yep, they are twins, this is so siblingcoded XD
A valid point
I'll give it to him, he is good with theatrics
I mean, tbf, at least someone here is dog adjacent
Hahahahahaha, this will only end when she gets her servant
What was that with the mechs?
Oh, she might get Artorias eternal emmity with that,you don't mess with food near her, she already had enough with Gawain's mashed potatoes(There weren't potatoes in england at that time period)
Hah, this girls is a menace
I love her XD
The ones that are as crazy or crazier than yours
Hey, game respects game, even if we plot vengeance against them
Bad choice of words
I mean, good for her XD
Better to avoid more unintended innuendos, we only want intended ones
We aren't directly in space, for themoment
Uh oh
They are falling one after another
Da vinci's a genius she will manage
Also, Saber you should know better than to expect them to die that easily
Snacks and a show, they live the good life
Don't worry, isn't the first time they are in debt, though Kazuma tends to be the one to pay them
We need to get someone to deal with her lust, this is getting out of control
Probably good to start slow
Just their luck
So this is what it means to be too effective at your job
It was very smart ngl
They are hiring?
I think you were the only one that wanted to apply from the group
Well, you are at least a bit depraved
That might work
...She is doing it again, making them do quests nobody wants to
Ok, this is really good
Smells fishy
Oh, this is a personal hell for someone like Billy
Gas station Da vinci? Why does that sound hot? Though she is Da vinci, she is always hot
Oh god no, everything but that!!
And she worked so hard to repair it
...I would say crimes of the father but it doesn't quite fit
I'm not sure what does it means and I don't think I wanna know
Ominous
I'm starting to think this is just First Follio all over again
I think you should be worried about the March thing, that sounds it can be a problem for you
Oh no, nononononono
I know what this is and I don't like it
Change the channel, change the channel!
No shit sherlock, at least it didn't get as unhinged as she can get
Why did she needed to taste it? I mean she probably ate them but still
Can't blame you, I'd do the same
Makes sense
This almost sounds like LATAM
It was supposed to be a personal affair if not for the funny bussines with the succubi Cafe
That explains everything
As always Darkness enjoying life
I´m both scared and attracted to her right now
Yeah, that tracks
Oh god, they are each other hell
...Yeah, that describes them
Depends of the Saber
He only lost in luck to a literal luck goddess, I think he is fine
Probably
I mean, she's not wrong
They recognize each other instantly XD
You have to respect the professional hate they have for each other
That's the question for the million dollar-eris- What's the nameof the coin in Honkai?
Kazuma seems to have very good luck with those
Just a passing through Kamen Rider, got it
Oooh, those poor people, I pray for no one to stumble into Medea's hell by accident
Yeah, a higher scale First Follio is scary
Oh, so it was important
So a path that helps with Illusions, supernatural luck and being to stubborn to die, yeah no wonder he got out
Oh another Master
Sketchy, playfull, oddly alluring, yep, she is gonna fit right there
I'm at least 80% sure it isn't her actual name
3 millions in the first day, her luck is finally gotten around
I talked to soon
Oh, it's Mitsuragi, I mean Mitsurugi, didn't he had like blonde brownish hair or was that anime only? Well, he won't cause problems for them since he is surprisingly chill and actually respects Kazuma a lot, his companions on the other hand...
So he learned to trace an harmonica for this specific reason, honestly, respect
Yep, needed to avoud a Nazi corrupting society again, shame it was too late
He is trying to be professional
Seein that all your talents are about swords I would, but this is a good de-stress doll for him
Exactly
He makes a compelling argument
He is just so done, some people would take this as a divine revelation, he doesn't give a shit
That would actually work, also how?
Yeah, that makes sence
At this point is not the bribe as much as the silence
Davos
laxing0@gmail
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That's usually not a good signal
It doesn't look like it will be good at all
When those two agree with each other you know it's a bad idea
That would sound more inspiring and/or philosophical in any other situation
Just smile and nod Kazuma, smile and nod
They are just weird
I'll say
Ok let's not beat the busj, did you tell her about the bribes of food for the modeling time?
That and you tend to blow thing out of proportion
Yeah, that tracks
Should had probably said it when she wasn't there
Bold of you to assume he survived
Oh, you are in for a treat
Just be happy you are seeing her good side
Yep, they are twins, this is so siblingcoded XD
A valid point
I'll give it to him, he is good with theatrics
I mean, tbf, at least someone here is dog adjacent
Hahahahahaha, this will only end when she gets her servant
What was that with the mechs?
Oh, she might get Artorias eternal emmity with that,you don't mess with food near her, she already had enough with Gawain's mashed potatoes(There weren't potatoes in england at that time period)
Hah, this girls is a menace
I love her XD
The ones that are as crazy or crazier than yours
Hey, game respects game, even if we plot vengeance against them
Bad choice of words
I mean, good for her XD
Better to avoid more unintended innuendos, we only want intended ones
We aren't directly in space, for themoment
Uh oh
They are falling one after another
Da vinci's a genius she will manage
Also, Saber you should know better than to expect them to die that easily
Snacks and a show, they live the good life
Don't worry, isn't the first time they are in debt, though Kazuma tends to be the one to pay them
We need to get someone to deal with her lust, this is getting out of control
Probably good to start slow
Just their luck
So this is what it means to be too effective at your job
It was very smart ngl
They are hiring?
I think you were the only one that wanted to apply from the group
Well, you are at least a bit depraved
That might work
...She is doing it again, making them do quests nobody wants to
Ok, this is really good
Smells fishy
Oh, this is a personal hell for someone like Billy
Gas station Da vinci? Why does that sound hot? Though she is Da vinci, she is always hot
Oh god no, everything but that!!
And she worked so hard to repair it
...I would say crimes of the father but it doesn't quite fit
I'm not sure what does it means and I don't think I wanna know
Ominous
I'm starting to think this is just First Follio all over again
I think you should be worried about the March thing, that sounds it can be a problem for you
Oh no, nononononono
I know what this is and I don't like it
Change the channel, change the channel!
No shit sherlock, at least it didn't get as unhinged as she can get
Why did she needed to taste it? I mean she probably ate them but still
Can't blame you, I'd do the same
Makes sense
This almost sounds like LATAM
It was supposed to be a personal affair if not for the funny bussines with the succubi Cafe
That explains everything
As always Darkness enjoying life
I´m both scared and attracted to her right now
Yeah, that tracks
Oh god, they are each other hell
...Yeah, that describes them
Depends of the Saber
He only lost in luck to a literal luck goddess, I think he is fine
Probably
I mean, she's not wrong
They recognize each other instantly XD
You have to respect the professional hate they have for each other
That's the question for the million dollar-eris- What's the nameof the coin in Honkai?
Kazuma seems to have very good luck with those
Just a passing through Kamen Rider, got it
Oooh, those poor people, I pray for no one to stumble into Medea's hell by accident
Yeah, a higher scale First Follio is scary
Oh, so it was important
So a path that helps with Illusions, supernatural luck and being to stubborn to die, yeah no wonder he got out
Oh another Master
Sketchy, playfull, oddly alluring, yep, she is gonna fit right there
I'm at least 80% sure it isn't her actual name
3 millions in the first day, her luck is finally gotten around
I talked to soon
Oh, it's Mitsuragi, I mean Mitsurugi, didn't he had like blonde brownish hair or was that anime only? Well, he won't cause problems for them since he is surprisingly chill and actually respects Kazuma a lot, his companions on the other hand...
So he learned to trace an harmonica for this specific reason, honestly, respect
Yep, needed to avoud a Nazi corrupting society again, shame it was too late
He is trying to be professional
Seein that all your talents are about swords I would, but this is a good de-stress doll for him
Exactly
He makes a compelling argument
He is just so done, some people would take this as a divine revelation, he doesn't give a shit
That would actually work, also how?
Yeah, that makes sence
At this point is not the bribe as much as the silence
It could be a good sign.
I mean....
Funnily enough, not the first time the Express has agreed to a suspicious meeting
Context would help
I doubt he will unless he is being compensated
I...can't argue against that.
Indeed
Close but not quite
True, but I doubt anyone would disagree about Kazuma's morals being suspect at times.
They are nice pictures
But then it wouldn't annoy her!
They don't know he has a God reviving him regularly...funnily enough that would make him something of a monster to some people
She is
I think the constant stabbing from a prior war is blinding her
One mc is already a gremlin. Now there's two.
Validity doesn't convince anyone.
But not much else
Funnily enough there is a guy in Hsr with dog elements and he resides/resided in Penacony too
Tbf, her brother already has one
Long story short, during an event you can replay the ending with seeking different characters for help on how to deal with Skott. One hacks his mechs that he brought to the fight and turns them on him. Another gives food poisoning, and another gives him an existential crisis.
I feel like I am missing something there with the mashed potatoes....
Yeah xD
Same here.
Probably, but the difference is she is as nuts as them so it's semi normal
Skott does have questionable morals. For context, in the event his wish for the Grail was a minor promotion to be middle management
Yeah....
hehehe
Why not both at the same time?
You don't need to be in space to be unheard
yep
as per the trap
But can she match sheer stupidity? And can't fault Artoria for trying. She did beat back Cu and almost kill Archer upon materialization.
He is a movie director.
Now it's Rin's turn
There will be a solution
True but....
Indeed.
Very much so. She took everyone's jobs, including her own!
Surprised there wasn't mention of bait in the show
They need receptionists and janitors too.
True, but would you hire any of them?
She won't admit it in public
Yep
Also yep
Indeed
Not herbal?
Outlaws in general...not sure of the finer points on his life
I did not expect that reaction...but true about Da Vinci
That was more the reaction I expected from Da Vinci's part too
Yeah, seemed fitting
It is an odd situation for him. Some have looked beyond that connection for him
Surprising....
Very
You're not wrong, it was an influence. I am hoping I can make it at least bit more different
Probably should be
hehehehe
Hehehe!
***Yet
Not the oddest way to id a plant, but I get it
Fair...
Very
LATAM?
No one expects the Succubi Inquisition!
Indeed
Wouldn't be if she didn't go on a monolouge about the Rookie Killers tearing off her armor, for them to slink away from the smiling human
The attraction part I did not see coming
Very much so
Yeah xD
Though I doubt either of them would call it good luck atm
In this case, yes
tbf, not even he knows that yet
Absolutely
It is true facts
Thought it would be a good moment xd
....Not sure, but is the second half of that question a reference?
I suspect you do not know her.
hehehe
They won't, all the Hells are separate, which in this case makes it a semi blessing
Regular First Foilio is scary....now it's planet wide
Yes, though I admit this is me taking a bit of liberty on the paths
Think its more staying dead, but yeah.
Indeed
All fair descriptions of her
It's the one she goes by in game. Though lots of people call her Hanabi
Hehehe
Indeed
True about the hair, but bold of you to think problems won't arise
Gets boring between targets. Needed something to kill time in between killing
I think they saved the day, just not themselves
Not succeeding though
True
True....
Unlike a certain airhead
They would until they hear Eris talking
It's legal [mostly] as for how
Off key Psychological warfare
That too
alextheconqueror
Versed in the lewd.
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Maybe but it usually isn't
Called it
I can see it
A lot
Probably
See? XD
Did she told her about the steal?
Fair enough
Very nice
I can't argue against that logic
I see alot of people thinking he is some warrior chosen by god, wich he technically is but not the way they think
Indeed
Wonder how will she react if she learns that the Medea she met was actually the sane one
Double the fun
No it doesn't
Something is something
Pffft, ok that's funny
She needs to one up him
That explains it, heh
Let's just say that everytime that Gawain entered the kitchen he made something we called Gawain's mashed potatoes, there weren't any potatoes in europe during Arthurian legends, when he made those, it's literally the only food Artoria is not willing to eat again
Fair enough
Middle management? That's evil
Tempting tempting, you convinced me
True enough
And didn't wanted to wait for a plan to kill Caster before going to the temple
Also Da vinci was part of Chaldea since day one, she is used to stupidityXD
Fair enough
I wish her luck, not to get the money but to avoid trying to kill her new team in outrage
There is almost always one
Yeah....
Hate when that happens
They were just very lucky/unlucky to always find them
Fair, though I thought that the succubuses also worked as receptionists
Maybe Rin, the rest... hard pass
Fair enough
That too
True enough
You just made me think on her in the clothes of that chick from FFXIV
Tbf, being part of user's support service sounds way worse in my mind that working at a gas station, that and my mind went directly to Gas station Da vinci
It looked like that
Fair enough
I just say how I see
I mean, it was very well made
Yep
I knew something like this was fated to happen after I told you, and I accept my fate like a man
Yet.... They are so fucked
At least she didn't get high
Short way to write/say LatinAmerica, it's not even racist, I lived near a drug addict central for some time
Not even the succubi inquisition
Yeah, that tracks
I like a woman that can/may outright kill me, I have a problem and I accept it
I mean, it fits
They wouldn't call it good
Basically
Yet being the important part
It was
It was an actual question
No I don't
Thank god, because Medea's hell is something they shouldn't see
They weren't prepared for that
Fair enough
Tomate tomato
Nailed it
Good to know
Oh I didn't say there won't be problems, just that Matsuragi, I mean, Mitsurugi won't be the one to cause them, at least not willingly
I mean, he had a looot of time free
No, it's too late, the seed has been planted, they even started doing Nazi tactics that I refuse to name
It's a difficult task indeed
She maybe should let EMIYA do the diplomacy next time
Fair enough
Yeah, I see
He truly is his father's son XD
I mean, I'm surprised he took that long to break
Cu-nosuba Chapter 35b6: Unjolly Cooperation and Judicial Overtime.
New
Davos
laxing0@gmail
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"Rin Tohsaka…Did you say Mitsurugi?...That sounds familiar." Rin says as she mentally scratches her head trying to recall the name.
"You're Japanese too? So you met Lady Aqua? But I'm not surprised you have heard of me already. I am a hero known throughout the kingdom, wielder of the cursed great sword Garm and-"
Rin recalls Kazuma's tale of encountering Mitsurugi as he goes on about his feats.
'Huh…thought Kazuma was exaggerating about the guy's mannerisms…he is surprisingly…'
"In a single blow, the dragon fell and-"
'Braggy…' Rin thinks with a flat stare as Mitsurugi continues for a moment.
"Would you like to join my party? I think we can accomplish a lot together." Mitsurugi asks, making the other two women in his party frown.
"No thank you, I'm already in one." Rin says and they smile.
'Talk about subtle…'
"Unfortunate but unsurprising…but if you ever want to team up or change parties, the offer will be there; As well as learning from a sword master how to properly handle a blade." He says with a smile that catches the light.
Rin somehow resists scowling, not only from the, most likely, accidental innuendo, but from his glaring companions.
Then one of the women gasps.
"Wait…you're that lewd woman!"
Rin feels a vein ready to burst as she responds with crossed arms.
"Don't you have a sense of humor, calling others lewd while wearing an outfit like a 3rd rate dancer or prostitute…I can't believe you would wear such lack of clothing in day light~."
"You would know what they wear…and your outfit is so chaste?" The green haired girl says while gesturing Rin's outfit of armored thigh highs, metallic skirt, detached reinforced sleeves, and breast plate that for some reason has her stomach covered but shows a bit of cleavage.
"I'm new and only have the starter gear, what's your excuse, you tart?"
"L-ladies please! There is no reason for such hostility! Cremea, please apolo-"
"No! I refuse! She's that hussy that sought out the succubus café on her first day here! She's just like that scumbag Kazuma!"
"Too scared to insult him person are you? I'll have you know…bad mouthing him to me is just as unwise~." Rin smirks with a twitching eye as the other woman pales.
"Oh Gods….She isn't just like Kazuma….She IS Kazuma!"
"What?" Rin, Mitsurugi, and Cremea ask at the same time.
===
"The Hell kind of name is Sparkle?" Kazuma asks.
"It's rude to make fun of other people's names, little Greenhorn."
"I am not-"
"Pfft…Greenhorn….It is somehow both wildly inaccurate and apt at the same time~." Artoria says between light giggles.
"I am neither a greenhorn nor little….and if I'm little what does that make you?" Kazuma asks, forgetting himself in a moment of annoyance.
"Wow, a snipe at my height, I never heard that before." Sparkle says with a roll of her eyes.
"Is that really your best~?" She asks.
"…As if Saber wasn't bad enough…"
"And we should be focusing more on this situation. I imagine whatever resistance we have will only last so long before-" An overly stereotypical 'dun dun dun' sound effect cuts Sparkle off as Grady appears with a showmanship pose.
Artoria readies her blade, Sparkle smiles, and Kazuma steps back, observing the surroundings.
"I may not know how you all met up while on my set, but I will correct this now before finding that pink haired girl."
"My, the final monster has showed himself already and without buildup and fanfare? How utterly dull." Sparkle says with a grin and a fist on her hip.
"Hmph. You are so far beneath me that I do not need to exert my full powers of dramatic tension building. You two are but damsels in distress and-"
"Excuse me?!" Artoria yells.
"Him a callow knave, likely easily scared and prone to death by fright-"
"The Hell did you say you-" Kazuma starts as Grady waves a hand summons two familiar looking monsters to Kazuma, their scaly hides, protruding frills on the side of their neck, and height as they stand on two legs are unmistakable to Kazuma.
"There's Lizard Runners in space?!"
"No! But my observation of your biographical data has informed me that you suffered a most humiliating death by these creatures…though I do not quite know how water and shadow played a part in your demise, nor what in the cosmos a 'megumin' is, but I can still recreate the stage!" Grady says, and with a wave of his hand, elevates them all, making them adapt their footing as the city street transforms into tree branches, dimly lit with a lake beneath.
"Now die!" Grady says from off screen, causing the Lizard Runners to charge to them.
Artoria kills each one with a swipe of her blade.
Grady stares in shock as Artoria casually whips the blood off her blade.
"How anticlimactic…as expected of the 'Garbage Film King Grady'~." Sparkle says, making Grady grind his teeth.
"Do not utter that name!"
"…How in the world did these kill you?" Artoria asks.
"…I don't want to talk about it…"
"Wait…since we're in a tree did you…Oh my God…!" Artoria asks before devolving into lip biting laughter.
"You fell from a tree and died?!" Sparkle asks with a smile as Artoria starts giggling.
Kazuma remains silent, and they laugh harder. Artoria with a hand at her mouth, Sparkle simply outright.
"…Can you kill me? I might be able to see Eris that way."
"No! I will not grant you your wish, you will live if it's the last thing I do!" Grady says before starting to cackle.
Then he gasps.
"Wait! That's the opposite of what I intend!"
"As expected of the great Grady…this is you at your height. It's like watching 'Loufou Lacerations' all over again." Sparkle says, drawing another gasp from Grady.
"I did not know you were a fan!"
"I'm one of your biggest. I never laughed so hard at a supposed horror movie in my life until I went down a rabbit hole of your works!"
"My works are not comedic drivel!"
"I know, that's what makes them hilarious! The ridiculous seriousness, the horrible lighting and special effects, and most of the actors, oh Gods the actors! If it wasn't for that one starlet, I would have sworn you asked those people to be so stiff and corny! I mean seriously? 'My Gods, that's not spilled jam in jam isle, that's blood! That has no business being here!' Sure, you made a few a innovative ideas and I could say something about your movies walking so others could run, but that implies that they stood at all!"
"I am an artist, a visionary!"
"A blind one! No wonder there's a annual unofficial 'As Bad as Grady' movie rewards!" Sparkle says while wiping away a tear.
"They actually made that? Those bastards…!" Grady says with tears in his eyes and his voice cracking as he waves his arm.
'…I'm starting to feel bad for him…' Kazuma thinks until he sees a white giant in samurai armor appear.
"Oh no…"
"Now die!" He says with a noticeable voice crack as the Winter Shogun charges forward.
===
"What do you mean I am Kazuma?" Rin asks.
"It's the only logical explanation!"
"How is that- she is not a guy!" Mitsurugi says.
"No, but 'she'-" Fio says with the most blatant finger quotes before continuing.
"Claims to be close to Kazuma. What do you think is more likely to happen, that Kazuma woos a girl from his homeland who happens to come here, or that he stumbled onto some cursed item that made him into a woman? Hell, knowing him he may have sought out such a thing so he could look at his own body!"
"He would never-…" Rin starts before grimacing.
'…Both of those are plausible actually…'
"See?! He can't even deny it!"
"She, damn it! I really am a young woman and my name is Rin Tohsaka!"
"Lies! No woman could find that café on their first day here! You must have had prior knowledge because you are Scumzuma!"
"…She is making sense…" Mitsurugi says, now taking a step away from Rin.
"Now hold on! Why would Kazuma willingly become a woman?"
"Because he's a pervert."
"Yes, but why would he give up his 'sword'?" Rin asks, and both women remain silent.
"Because you have a way to change back…that or you have come to terms that you are not suited to being a man, or simply became overly curious what sex feels like and realized this was the only way for you to experience it outside of a dream~." Mitsurugi says with a grin, making Rin clench a fist.
"He is more of a man than you and I have had about enough of you…but I am willing to forget this if you simply say sorry."
"I am not apologizing to you Kazuma…or are you expecting me to be a gentleman to a scoundrel like you? Or do you believe in preferential treatment for women now that you are one?" Mitsurugi says with closed eyes as he laughs.
"…I think I found a way to convince you I'm not Kazuma~." Rin says with a smile as she raises a glowing fist.
"And what is-"
His question is cut off as Rin's fist meets his face, the blow deafening him as he is sent flying into a nearby wall.
Fio and Cremea pale, groan and gasp before heading over to Mitsurugi.
"Do you still think I am Kazuma you braggart?!" Rin shouts before feeling a hand on her shoulder. Looking over she sees Darkness look at her with red cheeks and an unsteady pant.
"What are you-"
"Fist me next~."
"What?! And don't word it like that!" Rin shouts as Aqua and Megumin round the corner and see the destroyed wall, limp Mitsurugi, and smiling Rin.
"…We we're only separated for 5 minutes…" Aqua says.
"He deserved it. Besides, it's not that bad~." Rin says with a smile while keeping Darkness away with her sheathed blade.
"Oh my God, she killed Mitsurugi!" Fio says, making the four women freeze.
"You bitch!"
'Think I punched too hard…At least they're not calling me a man now…' Rin thinks as Aqua goes and revives Mitsurugi while staring flatly at Rin.
===
Artoria meets the Winter Shogun's blade, deflecting a moment before counterattacking, only for her to meet a riposte.
Another few such exchanges occur until Artoria is forced to side step a blow that cleaves the tree Sparkle and Kazuma on in half.
Sparkle lands with a near acrobatic level of control.
Kazuma crash lands on top of her, making Sparkle plant her face into the pavement.
"Ouch ouch ouch…"
"Sorry…"
"How in the world did you survive such a foe? Do you know any weaknesses?" Artoria asks as the Shogun whips imaginary blood from his blade.
"I didn't, and as far as I know, only his sense of honor…" Kazuma says, drawing a sigh from Saber.
"…How unsurprising…" Artoria mutters before making her blade glow.
"I challenge you, O warrior of ice and snow!" Artoria says and the Shogun nods before sheathing his blade and adopting a low wide stance.
In the moment Artoria raises her blade, the Shogun's blade shoots out, both of them at the precipice of their swing.
"EX….Calibur!"
Grady vanishes as the beam emerges.
The Shogun's blade reaches closer to Artoria, somehow visible amongst the holy blade's beam as carnage rings out.
When it fades, the Shogun fades away with a nod of respect.
"Truly…a formidable foe…" Artoria mutters before falling to a knee and then onto the ground. Blood flowing from a wound on her shoulder.
"Oh no…" Kazuma says as Grady returns.
"This is bad…" Sparkle says as Grady waves his arm.
"It appears my mistake was drawing from this fool's biographical data…I should have went for yours! Since you are no mere damsel in distress, I am certain this nightmarish foe will end you all!" Grady says, making the trio pale.
'What foe from my past will he call fourth? Mordred? Lancelot? I really hope it is not Morgan…' Artoria thinks in growing dread as this new enemy appears.
"What…" Sparkle starts.
"The Hell?" Kazuma finishes as bird chirping is heard.
"…What's going on?" Artoria asks, unable to look up.
"Your most hated enemy has appeared!" Grady says as more robins appear, pecking at the ground or flying around, chirping happily.
"…Why are birds your enemy?" Kazuma asks.
"…They aren't." Artoria says from the floor.
"But it says you have an unrelenting hatred of them after…Romania?"
"I never set foot in Romania."
"But your biography shows wait…oh…This is why I hate multi verse theory…I'm sure the rabbits are as absurd too." Grady says, making Artoria suppress a squeak of true horror.
"I will take my leave…the short one has exasperated me enough for one day." Grady says before leaving.
Sparkle blows a raspberry at him.
===
Rin, Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin look at the new note on their door with flat stares.
"…Is Mitsurugi suing us now?" Aqua asks as Rin reads it.
"No…it's his party."
"…I'm starting to think they might be right about you being Kazuma." Aqua says, and Rin looks at her for a long moment.
"Sounds like you need a drink." Rin says, making Aqua's brow twitch as she tears up.
"…You really are a bitch Scumzuma." Aqua says, making Rin raise a clenched fist.
Darkness stands in front of Aqua, a dopey smile on her face.
===
"…You seem oddly used to this." Artoria says while resting her chin Kazuma's shoulder as he carries her.
"I had a party member who collapsed whenever she used an attack."
"…At least it isn't something depraved."
"Do you want me to drop you and leave you here?" Kazuma asks.
"Maybe he'll make an exception for you?" Sparkle asks, making Artoria gag and Kazuma glare.
"…Maybe I should make you carry her? You seem strong."
"Just limber. I can't carry a person~." Sparkle says with a grin.
"Only one way to find-"
Music playing and singing interrupts them.
"Oh goody, the song bird…Seems she found a way out of this trap and is helping others out." Sparkle says before turning to leave in the opposite direction.
"Don't you want to leave this thing?"
"I have a different method. Besides, I got something else planned and I am sure Gray hair and others will not be happy to see me~." Sparkle says before skipping down the way they came and vanishing.
"…Does she strike you as trouble as well?" Artoria asks.
"As red a flag as her dress."
"I heard that." Her voice says from further away.
Artoria clears her throat and after a moment, speaks.
"…Thank you for healing my wound and carrying me, but you can let me down. I know a bit of that water will have me revived and walking."
"Never thought you would thank me after everything."
"Likewise…" Artoria says, waiting for Kazuma to let her down.
He doesn't and the singing grows louder as they approach.
"H-hey! If they see you carrying me, they will be relentless in their asinine teasing!"
"You make a good point, but I have two to counter that." Kazuma says, making Artoria grip his shoulder.
"What possible points could there be?!"
"First, they will tease me regardless, so you being annoyed too is still a win for me."
"You cannot be serious…and the second?"
"I wouldn't know any better, I'm just a little greenhorn~." Kazuma says, making Artoria sputter a moment as Kazuma grins and giggles every remaining step.
'I'm going to strangle him…'
===In another timeline===
The child cries as her cat lounges on the tree branch.
Then a shadow appears over head, surprising the cat as a earthen hand reaches down and grabs them by the neck.
The next moment it is handed to the smiling child.
"Thank you mister! But…who are you?" she asks the blue stone eyed man with black stones along his back.
"I…am Clay Man!"
"You're Japanese too? So you met Lady Aqua? But I'm not surprised you have heard of me already. I am a hero known throughout the kingdom, wielder of the cursed great sword Garm and-"
Rin recalls Kazuma's tale of encountering Mitsurugi as he goes on about his feats.
'Huh…thought Kazuma was exaggerating about the guy's mannerisms…he is surprisingly…'
"In a single blow, the dragon fell and-"
'Braggy…' Rin thinks with a flat stare as Mitsurugi continues for a moment.
"Would you like to join my party? I think we can accomplish a lot together." Mitsurugi asks, making the other two women in his party frown.
"No thank you, I'm already in one." Rin says and they smile.
'Talk about subtle…'
"Unfortunate but unsurprising…but if you ever want to team up or change parties, the offer will be there; As well as learning from a sword master how to properly handle a blade." He says with a smile that catches the light.
Rin somehow resists scowling, not only from the, most likely, accidental innuendo, but from his glaring companions.
Then one of the women gasps.
"Wait…you're that lewd woman!"
Rin feels a vein ready to burst as she responds with crossed arms.
"Don't you have a sense of humor, calling others lewd while wearing an outfit like a 3rd rate dancer or prostitute…I can't believe you would wear such lack of clothing in day light~."
"You would know what they wear…and your outfit is so chaste?" The green haired girl says while gesturing Rin's outfit of armored thigh highs, metallic skirt, detached reinforced sleeves, and breast plate that for some reason has her stomach covered but shows a bit of cleavage.
"I'm new and only have the starter gear, what's your excuse, you tart?"
"L-ladies please! There is no reason for such hostility! Cremea, please apolo-"
"No! I refuse! She's that hussy that sought out the succubus café on her first day here! She's just like that scumbag Kazuma!"
"Too scared to insult him person are you? I'll have you know…bad mouthing him to me is just as unwise~." Rin smirks with a twitching eye as the other woman pales.
"Oh Gods….She isn't just like Kazuma….She IS Kazuma!"
"What?" Rin, Mitsurugi, and Cremea ask at the same time.
===
"The Hell kind of name is Sparkle?" Kazuma asks.
"It's rude to make fun of other people's names, little Greenhorn."
"I am not-"
"Pfft…Greenhorn….It is somehow both wildly inaccurate and apt at the same time~." Artoria says between light giggles.
"I am neither a greenhorn nor little….and if I'm little what does that make you?" Kazuma asks, forgetting himself in a moment of annoyance.
"Wow, a snipe at my height, I never heard that before." Sparkle says with a roll of her eyes.
"Is that really your best~?" She asks.
"…As if Saber wasn't bad enough…"
"And we should be focusing more on this situation. I imagine whatever resistance we have will only last so long before-" An overly stereotypical 'dun dun dun' sound effect cuts Sparkle off as Grady appears with a showmanship pose.
Artoria readies her blade, Sparkle smiles, and Kazuma steps back, observing the surroundings.
"I may not know how you all met up while on my set, but I will correct this now before finding that pink haired girl."
"My, the final monster has showed himself already and without buildup and fanfare? How utterly dull." Sparkle says with a grin and a fist on her hip.
"Hmph. You are so far beneath me that I do not need to exert my full powers of dramatic tension building. You two are but damsels in distress and-"
"Excuse me?!" Artoria yells.
"Him a callow knave, likely easily scared and prone to death by fright-"
"The Hell did you say you-" Kazuma starts as Grady waves a hand summons two familiar looking monsters to Kazuma, their scaly hides, protruding frills on the side of their neck, and height as they stand on two legs are unmistakable to Kazuma.
"There's Lizard Runners in space?!"
"No! But my observation of your biographical data has informed me that you suffered a most humiliating death by these creatures…though I do not quite know how water and shadow played a part in your demise, nor what in the cosmos a 'megumin' is, but I can still recreate the stage!" Grady says, and with a wave of his hand, elevates them all, making them adapt their footing as the city street transforms into tree branches, dimly lit with a lake beneath.
"Now die!" Grady says from off screen, causing the Lizard Runners to charge to them.
Artoria kills each one with a swipe of her blade.
Grady stares in shock as Artoria casually whips the blood off her blade.
"How anticlimactic…as expected of the 'Garbage Film King Grady'~." Sparkle says, making Grady grind his teeth.
"Do not utter that name!"
"…How in the world did these kill you?" Artoria asks.
"…I don't want to talk about it…"
"Wait…since we're in a tree did you…Oh my God…!" Artoria asks before devolving into lip biting laughter.
"You fell from a tree and died?!" Sparkle asks with a smile as Artoria starts giggling.
Kazuma remains silent, and they laugh harder. Artoria with a hand at her mouth, Sparkle simply outright.
"…Can you kill me? I might be able to see Eris that way."
"No! I will not grant you your wish, you will live if it's the last thing I do!" Grady says before starting to cackle.
Then he gasps.
"Wait! That's the opposite of what I intend!"
"As expected of the great Grady…this is you at your height. It's like watching 'Loufou Lacerations' all over again." Sparkle says, drawing another gasp from Grady.
"I did not know you were a fan!"
"I'm one of your biggest. I never laughed so hard at a supposed horror movie in my life until I went down a rabbit hole of your works!"
"My works are not comedic drivel!"
"I know, that's what makes them hilarious! The ridiculous seriousness, the horrible lighting and special effects, and most of the actors, oh Gods the actors! If it wasn't for that one starlet, I would have sworn you asked those people to be so stiff and corny! I mean seriously? 'My Gods, that's not spilled jam in jam isle, that's blood! That has no business being here!' Sure, you made a few a innovative ideas and I could say something about your movies walking so others could run, but that implies that they stood at all!"
"I am an artist, a visionary!"
"A blind one! No wonder there's a annual unofficial 'As Bad as Grady' movie rewards!" Sparkle says while wiping away a tear.
"They actually made that? Those bastards…!" Grady says with tears in his eyes and his voice cracking as he waves his arm.
'…I'm starting to feel bad for him…' Kazuma thinks until he sees a white giant in samurai armor appear.
"Oh no…"
"Now die!" He says with a noticeable voice crack as the Winter Shogun charges forward.
===
"What do you mean I am Kazuma?" Rin asks.
"It's the only logical explanation!"
"How is that- she is not a guy!" Mitsurugi says.
"No, but 'she'-" Fio says with the most blatant finger quotes before continuing.
"Claims to be close to Kazuma. What do you think is more likely to happen, that Kazuma woos a girl from his homeland who happens to come here, or that he stumbled onto some cursed item that made him into a woman? Hell, knowing him he may have sought out such a thing so he could look at his own body!"
"He would never-…" Rin starts before grimacing.
'…Both of those are plausible actually…'
"See?! He can't even deny it!"
"She, damn it! I really am a young woman and my name is Rin Tohsaka!"
"Lies! No woman could find that café on their first day here! You must have had prior knowledge because you are Scumzuma!"
"…She is making sense…" Mitsurugi says, now taking a step away from Rin.
"Now hold on! Why would Kazuma willingly become a woman?"
"Because he's a pervert."
"Yes, but why would he give up his 'sword'?" Rin asks, and both women remain silent.
"Because you have a way to change back…that or you have come to terms that you are not suited to being a man, or simply became overly curious what sex feels like and realized this was the only way for you to experience it outside of a dream~." Mitsurugi says with a grin, making Rin clench a fist.
"He is more of a man than you and I have had about enough of you…but I am willing to forget this if you simply say sorry."
"I am not apologizing to you Kazuma…or are you expecting me to be a gentleman to a scoundrel like you? Or do you believe in preferential treatment for women now that you are one?" Mitsurugi says with closed eyes as he laughs.
"…I think I found a way to convince you I'm not Kazuma~." Rin says with a smile as she raises a glowing fist.
"And what is-"
His question is cut off as Rin's fist meets his face, the blow deafening him as he is sent flying into a nearby wall.
Fio and Cremea pale, groan and gasp before heading over to Mitsurugi.
"Do you still think I am Kazuma you braggart?!" Rin shouts before feeling a hand on her shoulder. Looking over she sees Darkness look at her with red cheeks and an unsteady pant.
"What are you-"
"Fist me next~."
"What?! And don't word it like that!" Rin shouts as Aqua and Megumin round the corner and see the destroyed wall, limp Mitsurugi, and smiling Rin.
"…We we're only separated for 5 minutes…" Aqua says.
"He deserved it. Besides, it's not that bad~." Rin says with a smile while keeping Darkness away with her sheathed blade.
"Oh my God, she killed Mitsurugi!" Fio says, making the four women freeze.
"You bitch!"
'Think I punched too hard…At least they're not calling me a man now…' Rin thinks as Aqua goes and revives Mitsurugi while staring flatly at Rin.
===
Artoria meets the Winter Shogun's blade, deflecting a moment before counterattacking, only for her to meet a riposte.
Another few such exchanges occur until Artoria is forced to side step a blow that cleaves the tree Sparkle and Kazuma on in half.
Sparkle lands with a near acrobatic level of control.
Kazuma crash lands on top of her, making Sparkle plant her face into the pavement.
"Ouch ouch ouch…"
"Sorry…"
"How in the world did you survive such a foe? Do you know any weaknesses?" Artoria asks as the Shogun whips imaginary blood from his blade.
"I didn't, and as far as I know, only his sense of honor…" Kazuma says, drawing a sigh from Saber.
"…How unsurprising…" Artoria mutters before making her blade glow.
"I challenge you, O warrior of ice and snow!" Artoria says and the Shogun nods before sheathing his blade and adopting a low wide stance.
In the moment Artoria raises her blade, the Shogun's blade shoots out, both of them at the precipice of their swing.
"EX….Calibur!"
Grady vanishes as the beam emerges.
The Shogun's blade reaches closer to Artoria, somehow visible amongst the holy blade's beam as carnage rings out.
When it fades, the Shogun fades away with a nod of respect.
"Truly…a formidable foe…" Artoria mutters before falling to a knee and then onto the ground. Blood flowing from a wound on her shoulder.
"Oh no…" Kazuma says as Grady returns.
"This is bad…" Sparkle says as Grady waves his arm.
"It appears my mistake was drawing from this fool's biographical data…I should have went for yours! Since you are no mere damsel in distress, I am certain this nightmarish foe will end you all!" Grady says, making the trio pale.
'What foe from my past will he call fourth? Mordred? Lancelot? I really hope it is not Morgan…' Artoria thinks in growing dread as this new enemy appears.
"What…" Sparkle starts.
"The Hell?" Kazuma finishes as bird chirping is heard.
"…What's going on?" Artoria asks, unable to look up.
"Your most hated enemy has appeared!" Grady says as more robins appear, pecking at the ground or flying around, chirping happily.
"…Why are birds your enemy?" Kazuma asks.
"…They aren't." Artoria says from the floor.
"But it says you have an unrelenting hatred of them after…Romania?"
"I never set foot in Romania."
"But your biography shows wait…oh…This is why I hate multi verse theory…I'm sure the rabbits are as absurd too." Grady says, making Artoria suppress a squeak of true horror.
"I will take my leave…the short one has exasperated me enough for one day." Grady says before leaving.
Sparkle blows a raspberry at him.
===
Rin, Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin look at the new note on their door with flat stares.
"…Is Mitsurugi suing us now?" Aqua asks as Rin reads it.
"No…it's his party."
"…I'm starting to think they might be right about you being Kazuma." Aqua says, and Rin looks at her for a long moment.
"Sounds like you need a drink." Rin says, making Aqua's brow twitch as she tears up.
"…You really are a bitch Scumzuma." Aqua says, making Rin raise a clenched fist.
Darkness stands in front of Aqua, a dopey smile on her face.
===
"…You seem oddly used to this." Artoria says while resting her chin Kazuma's shoulder as he carries her.
"I had a party member who collapsed whenever she used an attack."
"…At least it isn't something depraved."
"Do you want me to drop you and leave you here?" Kazuma asks.
"Maybe he'll make an exception for you?" Sparkle asks, making Artoria gag and Kazuma glare.
"…Maybe I should make you carry her? You seem strong."
"Just limber. I can't carry a person~." Sparkle says with a grin.
"Only one way to find-"
Music playing and singing interrupts them.
"Oh goody, the song bird…Seems she found a way out of this trap and is helping others out." Sparkle says before turning to leave in the opposite direction.
"Don't you want to leave this thing?"
"I have a different method. Besides, I got something else planned and I am sure Gray hair and others will not be happy to see me~." Sparkle says before skipping down the way they came and vanishing.
"…Does she strike you as trouble as well?" Artoria asks.
"As red a flag as her dress."
"I heard that." Her voice says from further away.
Artoria clears her throat and after a moment, speaks.
"…Thank you for healing my wound and carrying me, but you can let me down. I know a bit of that water will have me revived and walking."
"Never thought you would thank me after everything."
"Likewise…" Artoria says, waiting for Kazuma to let her down.
He doesn't and the singing grows louder as they approach.
"H-hey! If they see you carrying me, they will be relentless in their asinine teasing!"
"You make a good point, but I have two to counter that." Kazuma says, making Artoria grip his shoulder.
"What possible points could there be?!"
"First, they will tease me regardless, so you being annoyed too is still a win for me."
"You cannot be serious…and the second?"
"I wouldn't know any better, I'm just a little greenhorn~." Kazuma says, making Artoria sputter a moment as Kazuma grins and giggles every remaining step.
'I'm going to strangle him…'
===In another timeline===
The child cries as her cat lounges on the tree branch.
Then a shadow appears over head, surprising the cat as a earthen hand reaches down and grabs them by the neck.
The next moment it is handed to the smiling child.
"Thank you mister! But…who are you?" she asks the blue stone eyed man with black stones along his back.
"I…am Clay Man!"
alextheconqueror
Versed in the lewd.
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I would be surprised if he even said the name correctly
I would say he means well, and he actually does, but yeah he is
Oh, those two, they are more trouble than Mitsurugi is
They are as subtle as a bull in an antiquee
At least he is used to being talked down
The bane of having jealous women
That reputation already got that much track XD
Good comeback Rin
She is on fire right now
And you are a bastion of morality?
The fuck?
It's also rude not to do it, but that's usually after a few outing together, or if you are in my friend group, 20 minutes after meeting each other
I think she prefers this twin tailed red clothed girl
Trust me, you don't want him at his best
She had to deal with you and Medea, this is karma at this point
That happens
Again, her lack of presence should be more worrying
I like this one XD
I mean, you have your times of damsel in distressing
Oh god, he knows things
Oh god, he knows all of them
Let's see, aside from the Lizard Runners, I think the water would probably be the one in Alcanrentia? Probably, not sure what the shadow was, and Megumin is probably the movie version of the Silvia incident
That was kinda expected ngl
Still pretty anticlimatic
See, she is on my side
Now I wanna hear more about it
It was an stressing moment
There was more into it but basically
At least they don't know about the more embarassing death
How long will take him to realize-?
Not too long, got it
Sounds like Scary movie but is trying to take itself seriously
Now it sounds like if Monty Python tryed to make a horror story, wich actually sounds peak
Damm, that actually sounds bad
Same... wait a moment
Yeaaah, no, Artoria is dealing with it, I'm nowhere near him
No it isn't
Ok, that sounds possible, but it would be more like his party make him touch it accidentally, also he wouldn't risk being stuck like that because he values his "sword" not he would get out like it
And let's be honest, you can see Kazuma becoming a swordsman?
Ikr
Yeah, trust me girl, you don't want the smoke, Rin was already busted without the card giving her buffs
I'm pretty sure Darkness would do the same, being a woman doesn't make you unable to be a pervert
Also it's a bussiness, being difficult to find would make it make less revenue
As much sense as she can, wich isn't a lot but more than expected
She makes a compeling point
Damm, since when was Mitsurugi this savage, he wasn't like this whe Kazuma took his sword, or during Kazuma's trial, or during the Destroyer meeting, or when he found him in that festival alongside Aqua, now that I think about it, Mitsurugi actually never was mean to Kazuma even though he did pretty scummy things when fighting him, if anything he sort of respected him
Oh, this is his funeral
Just as expected
Should had thought before talking shit
Now you made it weird
She will still do it, you know she till
Kono hito da na-shit, wait what, I wasn't serious about the funeral!
Also didn't he tanked one of Aqua's god blows? Is Rin punches stronger than Aqua's god blow!? Actually, I can see it
Oh god, the South Park reference, I almost missed it
Aqua, you don't have room to talk, you did the same but because he made you have to pay for a cage
At least they werent hit yet
Hahaha, classic
Bold of you to asume he survived
Just make a dogeza and you will survive
Huh, yeah that works to get his attention
And time for the Excaliblast
Honestly, a smart decision
Holy shit he almost got her
Oh no, nonononono
Could be Gilgamesh, or that beast of Caernabog, let's hope it's not Caernabog
No, nonono, I refuse by principle
We are not dealing with this again!
Not in this timeline at least
And you should thank god for that, we don't want those crashouts near us
Those actually aren't, and wedon't want them!!
I knew they would be the one to make problems for them
You say as if Kazuma would have such a mean punch
Aqua no, this is a woman that can literally punch your brain
At this point just punch her, it will be a favor to her
Nah, that's with Darkness
He definitelly would if you weren't his biggest chance of Survival
Hahahahahaha, I love this woman
She just wants the show
Huh, nice
I hear history here
And with how difficult is to make these two agree this is serious
That was kinda the point
Yeah, this is weird
Part of me wants him to keep going just for how funny it will be
I'm listening
Mutual assured destruction, I can respect that
Oh what a comeback hahahaha
Kinky~
Oh look, a superhero that we totally don't know who he is, I wonder what misterious man hides behind that mask
Davos
laxing0@gmail
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Fair enough.
He never struck me as evil, just a bit overzealous and a tad shallow.
Yeah.....
Very yeah
If I recall right, didn't they kinda push Yunyun away from joining their party?
Word travels fast
The comebacks are strong in this one
Looks good doing it too.
hasn't stopped her before.
hehehe
True, but a bit of prior meetings usually helps with banter
Tbf, the other one did anger her to no end.
Honestly, knowing her...she might.
Very fair.
Indeed.
It'll have more meaning later on.
As do I
Doesn't make it any better in her eyes
Can't direct without knowing a character's motivations
Only partly. The shadow and water bit was supposed to reference Aqua and Darkness, and him not knowing Megumin is due to Crimson Demon naming being that off.
'But wait' there's more!'
For now
Not sure there is much to tell
True but
Still funny
Indeed. Can only imagine the stroke Sparkle would have while laughing
Not long.
See?
A rather fair description
That...actually sounds good. Though it is hard not to like horror comedy. Tucker and Dale vs Evil was a riot, as well as that one with the black guy being lured into a trap by a hot white woman whose title I am forgetting at this hour.
Yeah xd
You don't have a moment
Twas the plan
Wait for it
Could be an item that boosts stats but takes something away. A monkey's paw/Genie wish situation
yeah...
She has the power of two anime now!
True, but I doubt they advertise that openly. And I would hesitate about using Darkness as a representation for women.
True, but in this case, it is a bit hard to disprove her...at least I like to think so. Goodness knows I made mistakes in logic before
Might have been an accidental deviation on my part. But I still stand by the trash talk.
That's Hell he's walking into.
Not many other routes this could have gone.
Tbf, who expects a sword woman to punch that hard?
Did you forget Darkness' bit?
Threats hasn't stopped Darkness yet!
Aqua's there so no death...and I do not recall him getting hit, but isn't her God Blow kinda inconsistent due to it needing faith to do damage? Like it's useless when against a giant toad or killed Hans?
I couldn't resist.
OH that was when she punched him! I thought that was a regular punch?
Key word there
yeah...
It is the first thought when the person is still alive and not a Servant
Fairly sure she would rather die
Indeed.
It's showtime.
He may be a mediocre director, but is a brilliant tactician!
Dramatic tension
yes yes yes yes
Could be...
Why the refusal?
Too...bird brained?
Multiverse theory.
Probably for the best
Nobody expects the rabbit
Who didn't?
Maybe, but that won't stop her
True but she has max defense
And a willing shield with maxxer defense
True
Oh the pain
As do I
Who wouldn't?
There is plenty of history
Super serious
Doesn't lessen the annoyance
A little bit
Same
Enjoy
Same
Was enjoyable to wrtie
Not quite in this case
....Not sure if you're misreading it or I accidentally made a mistake here about Clay Man
PS New chapter tomorrow
Cu-nosuba Chapter 35b7: Rin’s Trials, Kazuma’s Conundrums, and Artoria’s Tribulations.
New
Davos
laxing0@gmail
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"Very amusing Kazuma, but I am serious. Let me down and give me water!" Artoria says into Kazuma's ear.
"Don't you think it improper for a young lady to ask a young man for his fluids? Though this wouldn't be the first time you've done that~." Kazuma asks with a grin that only slightly falters when Artoria grips his shoulder with shocking strength despite her fatigue.
"You sack of-! I was half dead, there was dinner, and you know that! I would think you would rather not be a subject for extra ridicule."
"Nothing new there. I don't mind dragging you into that extra ridicule." Kazuma says as the singing becomes louder with each step, now just around a corner.
"…Do you really want to make an enemy of me?"
"Because we're such close friends? We both know you're the grudge bearing type or did you forget about you trying to cut me down in Illya's castle?"
"You say that like you're innocent but…I am more than capable of forgiveness and willing to-." Artoria starts to say before feeling a vein on her head as Kazuma starts to laugh, nearly dropping her as he leans forward.
"Since when?" Kazuma asks after a moment with a chuckle.
"…As an example, when I learned of Guinevere's affair with Lancelot." Artoria says in a near growl.
"Guinevere being?"
"You really don't know?"
"I am woefully ignorant on a lot of hero stories. I know Excalibur, that Lancelot is a knight, and Merlin is a mage, and that's about it with regards to your legend."
"…Guinevere was my wife and one of the catalysts of my kingdom's ruin." Artoria says, making Kazuma stop.
"…How the Hell did you have a wife? Surely you couldn't fake having 'that' sword, or is that what the legend meant when you pulled the sword from the stone?"
The sound of teeth grinding sends a bead of sweat down Kazuma's cheek.
'Might have gone too far there…Is this what they mean by' holding a wolf by the neck'? Or…carrying a lion in this case?' Kazuma thinks as Artoria clears her throat.
"If you must know, little greenhorn-"
"You-!"
"It was a political marriage for appearances…and Merlin bequeathed one upon me for the sake of producing an heir but…complications occurred…"
"Magical ED?" Kazuma asks, getting a red faced scowl from Artoria.
"Interpersonal complications! Not to mention other issues, which lead to Lancelot and Guinevere becoming close."
"How the Hell did that happen? Shouldn't you know how a woman thinks?" Kazuma asks in flatness that would make a plateau seem round.
"After spending a greater portion of my life disguised as a man, training as a knight, and ruling as a king?" Artoria asks equally flat.
"…Point made…" Kazuma says and a moment later lets Artoria down before handing her a bottle.
She looks at him dumbfounded.
"I just wanted you to sweat for a minute. Besides, part of that was worries and irritability at my current situation…"
"Worries? What do you have to be worried about? You have a Goddess that revives you and answers…your…" Artoria trails off a moment.
"Are you…stranded here?" She asks.
"I hope not, but I think so…"
"My condolences…"
"Ok, now you're creeping me out."
"Do you think me so heartless that I cannot express sympathy for being away from one's home?" Artoria asks.
"Do you want me to answer that?" Kazuma asks.
Artoria sighs before taking the water.
"I suppose this is as good a reconciliation we can achieve after everything." Artoria says before taking a long drink of water while still using Kazuma as a support beam. When she empties the bottle she looks over and sees Kazuma glowering.
"What? Were you hoping for more?" Artoria asks and Kazuma merely points in a direction. Looking over Artoria sees Caelus with a pink and blue camera, and Stella with her phone out, both grinning like mad men.
'…Damn it all…' Artoria thinks as the gray haired twins start to snicker.
===
'Damn it all…' Rin thinks as she once more finds herself on the witness stand after multiple witnesses detailing the day in question. This time a smartly dressed human woman stands before her, Mitsurugi sitting slouched at a table while his party stares daggers at Rin.
Rin's group is at another table, giving her a thumbs up.
This does not assuage Rin's worries.
Nor does Aqua's comments about them being in a prior trial with this Prosecutor.
'There must be a reason her never told me about that…' Rin thinks as the prosecutor places a bell on the table.
'Is it a custom here?' Rin wonders as the prosecutor clears her throat.
"How do you plead to the charge of murder?"
"Innocent." Rin says, getting a murmur through the crowd.
"Even after all the testimony?"
"I did not intend to murder him, just hurt him…I thought a hero of the kingdom could take a punch from little old me~." Rin says, making Mitsurugi slouch further.
Rin somehow resists grinning.
"Do you not think it inaccurate to refer to yourself in such a lighthearted manner after your recent accomplishments? Killing two Rookie Killers within your first week as an adventurer, as well changing the behavior of an entire species to avoid a mating area they have visited for generations are feats even seasoned warriors could not accomplish."
"…Beginner's luck…And a bit of planning." Rin says while pushing a strand of hair over ear.
"No need to be so modest. It is quite obvious that you have spent considerable time and energy in honing such violent tendencies, Ms. Tohsaka."
"Violent ten-?!"
"If that is your real name." The prosecutor says, making Mitsurugi's party smile.
"What exactly are you implying?" Rin asks with white knuckles gripping the witness stand, a permanent indent on them now.
"Simple. Rin Tohsaka is not your real name and that you are guilty of the crime of being Kazuma Satou!" The prosecutor says with a dramatic finger point.
"Now that is beyond absurd! I can't believe a prosecutor is seriously calling this a crime! Sure, he's scummy at times, and perverted, and has a tendency to not show mercy, but Kazuma simply being Kazuma is not against the law!"
"It is when taken in regards with adventurer membership!"
"What?"
"Apologies, I may have been unclear in my desire of justice. Kazuma Satou is already affiliated with the Adventurer's Guild as an adventurer class. However, you have used those services again and obtained an advance class for free! That is a type of larceny that will not be excused!"
"I…am…" Rin starts to say with a bulging vein.
"Don't worry Kazuma! We'll still be on your side! Even if you are a hot chick!" A blonde man from the crowd says, making a brown haired girl look flatly at him.
"Especially since you're a hot chick!" Another random man with a mohawk says, a cracking sound from the witness stand now audible under Rin's grip.
"…Will he be wearing a swimsuit the next time we have to calm the Great Spirit of Storms?"
"I am not Kazuma Satou damn it!" Rin shouts and silence fills the court.
Mitsurugi and his party look on in shock.
The crowd looks on in shock as well.
The women sneer and the men smile with a glint in their eye, sending a shiver through Rin.
'…That can't be good.'
"Huh…I guess that settles the larceny matter…Such poor lewd taste…" The prosecutor says while adjusting her glasses, the last part a near whisper.
"Practice lowering your grumbles, Madam Prosecutor. I am not lewd." Rin says, making Sena look away a moment.
Then the bell rings.
The men and women stare in shock, making Rin tilt her head.
Then the men cheer, further confusing Rin.
"…You are taking this rather well…So shameless." Sena says, making Rin start to crack a knuckle but she stops herself.
"Taking what well? And how am I shameless?"
"The bell rung."
"…So?" Rin asks and Sena blinks.
"Weren't you on a trial not too long ago?"
"Yes but it didn't ring. Wait does that mean I'm guilty?" Rin asks, and Sena's mouth drops a moment before she rights herself.
"I…thought you would know already. It appears no one explained what the bell does in the first trial and I assumed they did…my apologies." Sena says before continuing.
"It is a magical item that rings whenever someone tells a lie."
Rin pales instantly.
'Then that means I just admitted to-!'
"T-the thing must be defective!" Rin shouts.
"It is not."
"I am not a lewd woman!" Rin says, getting another ring from the bell, and another cheer from the men.
"…Can we please move onto the killing? I'd rather not discuss your deranged fetishes in public."
"I don't-" Rin remains quiet before glancing at the bell.
The men lean forward in anticipation.
"She probably likes the abuse." The maroon haired girl in Mitsurugi's party says.
"Speaking about yourself?"
"That's not no. Why aren't you refuting it…Trash Brin~." The girl says with a grin that instantly falls when Rin crushes a section of railing on the witness stand.
"Wow…she's like Darkness but useful!" The blonde man shouts, making the brown haired girl cup her head, and Darkness stifle a moan.
"Order! Order in the court!" The judge says as Rin recalls something Kazuma said a moment from a long time ago.
'You really do have some 'Darkness' in you!'
'Is that what he meant at the time?!' Rin thinks with a clenched fist while looking at the blonde knight.
===
Caelus stops smiling before bringing a fist to his heart and looking at Artoria and Kazuma.
"Are you…his Servant?"
"You plagiarizing jerk!" Stella says with a smile as Kazuma and Artoria grimace.
"It must be this charisma skill that Cu mentioned some Servants have at work. I did not think it would work on him so well." Caelus says.
"You little-" He stops when Artoria grips his shoulder.
"Peace Kazuma…I am sure they are simply venting after whatever they saw in that Noble Phantasm…we should be patient." Artoria says even as her one eye twitches.
"…Now you are creeping me out…"
"I don't know little bro…I think it must have been her riding skill." Stella says, causing Artoria to vibrate and grind her teeth.
"Are you always this perverted?" Kazuma shoots back.
"That's not no~."
"It's no, and you didn't answer the-"
"I'm free spirited~!" Stella says with a pose.
Caelus brings a finger to his eye as if wiping away a fake tear.
"Does this mean the divorce is cancelled?" He asks, making both Artoria and Kazuma growl at the same time.
"We have to make sure this spark that reignited their bond doesn't fizzle out!" Stella says while giggling as she takes the camera from Caelus and approaches the vibrating Kazuma and Artoria before handing it to them.
"…What harebrained meaning is behind this 'gift'?" Artoria asks, and Stella smiles fully.
"Something blue, something old, and something borrowed~."
Kazuma raises his hand.
'That's it…I'm going to steal her-'
Artoria clears her throat quite loudly while tossing the camera back to Caelus who nearly misses. Then she looks up and smiles at Stella, confusing everyone present.
"Aren't you as amusing as ever, Gray Hair~." Artoria says in an identical voice to Sparkle, making Stella jump back with a pale pallor.
"W-w-w-what in the-?!"
"Oh come on now, is that any way to greet an old friend~?" Artoria asks with fists on her hips and a big bright smile.
"Oh Gods…"
'When the Hell could she do impressions?!' Kazuma wonders as Caelus shakes Stella a moment.
"Calm down sis! She's just trying to mess with you!" He says, and Kazuma stares blankly at him.
'…Fuck it, worth a shot.' Kazuma thinks before speaking.
"Such caring actions…are not per my will." Kazuma says in a startling likeness to the voice in Caelus' Hell, making him stare in abject shock at the equally stunned Kazuma before groaning a single continuous note as Stella hugs his head.
'…Another perk of the Elation path? The mimicry seems exactly like the 'Master Entertainer' skill.' Kazuma notes down as Stella tries to console Caelus before glaring at them.
"How could you!? He's just a baby!"
'He's the tallest person here!' Kazuma thinks behind a neutral face as he continues.
"Age matters not…to Destruction." Kazuma says in the eerily similar tone, making Caelus groan once more with tears in his eyes.
Artoria giggles like Sparkle.
"Come now, Gray Hair, can't you take a joke? Or did you finally find a rule not meant to be broken?" Artoria says with a shoulder shrug and upward palms.
Stella and Caelus look wide eyed at them until Kazuma and Artoria start giggling before laughing heartily.
Kazuma has his hands around his stomach, and Artoria is cupping her mouth to stifle her own laughter.
Caelus and Stella glare at them.
The laughter stops when Caelus materializes a bat and Stella a giant flaming lance.
"And I thought I was humorless!" Artoria says before drawing her blade with a smile.
"You think you could take her together? She's stronger than she looks." Kazuma says.
"I'm going after you." Caelus says.
'…He's scarier than Mitsurugi at least…' Kazuma thinks with a feeling of growing dread.
"And I can take her~." Stella says with a smirk, making Caelus sigh before refocusing on Kazuma.
===
Rin stares at the floor for a long moment.
"…I'll uh, have part of this scrubbed from the public record…"
"Thank you…"
"As for the murder…"
"Do I have to repeat myself? I did not intend to murder him."
"One does not simply kill on accident with their fists."
"I...had an excellent teacher in that regard. And honestly, look at what he is wearing!" Rin says while gesturing to Mitsurugi in his heavy armor.
"Would anyone believe a simple punch could kill someone wearing that?!" Rin says while pointing at the fully armored Mitsurugi.
"Are you…blaming the victim for dying?" Sena asks.
"Yes! He and his party annoyed me after a very long week-"
"3 days." Aqua says, making Rin glare at her a moment.
"…Which felt like a week, accused me of being a man and-" Rin stops when more wood splintering is heard and she sees herself holding a part of detached, crushed, and falling apart railing.
"…For what it is worth, I didn't want to press charges." Mitsurugi says.
"So you just went along with what these two wanted? My, how very manly of you." Rin says in monotone.
"T-that's not what happened!" Mitsurugi says and the bell rings.
"…In light of their being no larceny, no permanent murder, and no desire to press charges from the victim, I will throw this case out." The judge says.
"Trash Brin…Trash Brin…Trash Brin…Trashzuma goes inside the Trash Brin!" The women chant in unison after the judge hits his gavel.
'Silver lining…they aren't calling me Kazuma anymore…I need a drink.' Rin thinks with vacant eyes.
===
Stella lunges forward, but her spear is easily deflected by Artoria who sends her flying with a riposte before jumping after her in pursuit.
Caelus approaches Kazuma with his bat on his shoulder.
Kazuma flips him off.
Caelus runs his hand along the bat, now making it glow before running forward and taking a swing.
"Lurk!" Kazuma says and evades the blow.
'I'll just wait over here until he and Stella calm down.' Kazuma thinks before noticing Caelus looking right at him.
'Wait…He can't possibly-'
"I know a few people with stealth abilities. They're better at it then you." He says while approaching Kazuma.
'Oh crap.'
"You can't hide from me scumbag!" Caelus says before swinging again. Kazuma narrowly avoids it and looks in horror at the now bent at a right angle street light.
Artoria meanwhile attempts to whack Stella with the flat of her blade, but finds herself caught on one of the rocky divots of the spear. Before she can fully pull away, Stella whips the spear around, sending Artoria flying into a wall. She quickly sidesteps to the left as the spear impales into the wall.
"Are you sincerely trying to kill me?! Over an impression?!"
"I heard from Cu Servants are really tough…I'm just limit testing you~." Stella says with a wink.
'…Gray haired, brings me much trouble…She is really starting to remind me of Morgan despite the starkly different personality.' Artoria thinks within a split second calm before deflecting another attack.
Then Stella pauses and snickers, causing Artoria to tilt her head.
"King of Knights…Your nickname is Kok!"
'Must….not…use…Excalibur!' Artoria thinks while gripping her hilt tightly, recalling the exhaustion at using it in the Winter Shogun fight and suspecting the taunt is part of Stella's plan.
But the smirking Gray haired devil makes it so very tempting.
Kazuma meanwhile is on the back foot, narrowly dodging each of Caelus' swings, each one breaking air or brick when it hits a wall.
"Feel the wrath of the Galactic Baseballer!"
"Create Water!" Kazuma casts, making the floor wet, but Caelus doesn't lose his footing.
"Freeze!" Kazuma says as Caelus attempts another swing and he starts to slip and lose his footing before the bat turns into a hat.
Caelus then sidesteps and pirouettes in the air, landing near Kazuma. He changes the hat back to a bat and swings downward.
Kazuma dives along the icy floor he made and slides away.
"Is running away all you can do?" Caelus asks before hitting the ice and shattering it before walking to Kazuma with a quick step.
"Not at all…Steal!" Kazuma says and Caelus covers his eyes at the light. When it fades, he is still holding his bat but gasps at what Kazuma is holding.
A dark blue book.
'What the Hell?'
Caelus freezes.
"…Hand over the book."
"Why should I? I stole it fair and square~."
"Because I will-" Caelus stops when Kazuma makes a flame appear out of his finger tip and holds it closer to the book.
A moment later Stella lands nearby, landing on her feet after rolling along the ground. Then she sees Kazuma holding the book.
"Oh…I am going to hurt you so bad you Baneb Baneb of a degenerate!" She says, her fury changing to confusion than exasperation.
'What the Hell?' Kazuma thinks as Artoria lands nearby.
"Really sis? You of all people calling someone a degenerate?"
"Oh Baneb you bro! Oh c'mon! I'm not even on Paperfold University grounds for Baneb sake! Why was I able to swear before?!"
"That was probably a loophole with that being an acronym." Artoria says.
'Guess this world has its own laws…' Kazuma thinks as a giant watery dragon appears, making them all stop.
"Why are you all fighting?" Dan Heng asks, now wearing a different outfit and having horns growing out of his head.
Artoria and Kazuma point to Stella and Caelus who point back at them.
Dan Heng sighs before glaring at the twins.
"You believed them?! You barely know them!" Stella says.
"True, but I do know you two would annoy someone into violence." Dan Heng says.
"…Shit, he's right." Caelus says, making Stella look at him with an open mouth.
"What is this double standard Baneb?!" Stella says before screeching a moment.
"Is everyone else doing better?" Caelus asks.
"A little, but we also got a message."
"Skott is taunting us?" Stella asks.
"No, it was from the organizers of the Grail War…the Grail War is temporarily delayed due to Grady's Noble Phantasm. Also Skott and Grady were arrested." Dan Heng says, making Artoria's jaw drop and Kazuma stare in disbelief.
"…Cu Chulainn reacted similarly…Is this uncommon in prior Grail Wars?"
===
Rin cannot believe the bullshit she is seeing now.
A paper notice on the wall.
"Come to the café on Steel Street! 20% discount on all services this week, with a 69% discount for a certain request! Details inside!"
Rin doesn't need to ask what that request is as she rips the notice off the wall and stomps towards the guild. Only to see dozens more ads on the next wall.
'…One piece of paper is about the length of my wrist to the other if I hold them finger tip to finger tip…It'll probably take a few hundred to-'
"Please stop calculating how much paper you need to burn down the café." Megumin says.
"I wasn't calculating that." Rin says.
Darkness makes a ding noise like the bell ringing, making Rin clench a fist.
"…I was calculating how much I would need to burn this town to the ground." Rin says, making the trio wide eyed.
===In another timeline===
"…What do you mean you haven't found the observatory turned telescope yet?" Artoria says from her new throne.
"My liege, these Crimson Demons are endlessly inventive and-" The knight in dark armor stops when she stands, now at her full height, nearly double from her time in England.
"I did not bring you back from the dead, Sir Beldia, to give me excuses."
"I understand…I will redouble my efforts." Beldia says while taking a knee.
After reporting other banal matters, Beldia takes his leave.
'Like Hell I'll hand over that telescope! Giving those scarlet wretches some better meals allows me to resume spying on the Demon Princess again, and I get to look at this busy blonde now too as soon as she forgets to close her curtains! A fine precursor to my revenge against that mad party in Axel~!' Beldia thinks as he leaves the throne room.
'…Is this truly the best the Demon King had to work with?' Artoria thinks with a sigh.
'At least the curtains are magic proof…and bird proof.'
"Don't you think it improper for a young lady to ask a young man for his fluids? Though this wouldn't be the first time you've done that~." Kazuma asks with a grin that only slightly falters when Artoria grips his shoulder with shocking strength despite her fatigue.
"You sack of-! I was half dead, there was dinner, and you know that! I would think you would rather not be a subject for extra ridicule."
"Nothing new there. I don't mind dragging you into that extra ridicule." Kazuma says as the singing becomes louder with each step, now just around a corner.
"…Do you really want to make an enemy of me?"
"Because we're such close friends? We both know you're the grudge bearing type or did you forget about you trying to cut me down in Illya's castle?"
"You say that like you're innocent but…I am more than capable of forgiveness and willing to-." Artoria starts to say before feeling a vein on her head as Kazuma starts to laugh, nearly dropping her as he leans forward.
"Since when?" Kazuma asks after a moment with a chuckle.
"…As an example, when I learned of Guinevere's affair with Lancelot." Artoria says in a near growl.
"Guinevere being?"
"You really don't know?"
"I am woefully ignorant on a lot of hero stories. I know Excalibur, that Lancelot is a knight, and Merlin is a mage, and that's about it with regards to your legend."
"…Guinevere was my wife and one of the catalysts of my kingdom's ruin." Artoria says, making Kazuma stop.
"…How the Hell did you have a wife? Surely you couldn't fake having 'that' sword, or is that what the legend meant when you pulled the sword from the stone?"
The sound of teeth grinding sends a bead of sweat down Kazuma's cheek.
'Might have gone too far there…Is this what they mean by' holding a wolf by the neck'? Or…carrying a lion in this case?' Kazuma thinks as Artoria clears her throat.
"If you must know, little greenhorn-"
"You-!"
"It was a political marriage for appearances…and Merlin bequeathed one upon me for the sake of producing an heir but…complications occurred…"
"Magical ED?" Kazuma asks, getting a red faced scowl from Artoria.
"Interpersonal complications! Not to mention other issues, which lead to Lancelot and Guinevere becoming close."
"How the Hell did that happen? Shouldn't you know how a woman thinks?" Kazuma asks in flatness that would make a plateau seem round.
"After spending a greater portion of my life disguised as a man, training as a knight, and ruling as a king?" Artoria asks equally flat.
"…Point made…" Kazuma says and a moment later lets Artoria down before handing her a bottle.
She looks at him dumbfounded.
"I just wanted you to sweat for a minute. Besides, part of that was worries and irritability at my current situation…"
"Worries? What do you have to be worried about? You have a Goddess that revives you and answers…your…" Artoria trails off a moment.
"Are you…stranded here?" She asks.
"I hope not, but I think so…"
"My condolences…"
"Ok, now you're creeping me out."
"Do you think me so heartless that I cannot express sympathy for being away from one's home?" Artoria asks.
"Do you want me to answer that?" Kazuma asks.
Artoria sighs before taking the water.
"I suppose this is as good a reconciliation we can achieve after everything." Artoria says before taking a long drink of water while still using Kazuma as a support beam. When she empties the bottle she looks over and sees Kazuma glowering.
"What? Were you hoping for more?" Artoria asks and Kazuma merely points in a direction. Looking over Artoria sees Caelus with a pink and blue camera, and Stella with her phone out, both grinning like mad men.
'…Damn it all…' Artoria thinks as the gray haired twins start to snicker.
===
'Damn it all…' Rin thinks as she once more finds herself on the witness stand after multiple witnesses detailing the day in question. This time a smartly dressed human woman stands before her, Mitsurugi sitting slouched at a table while his party stares daggers at Rin.
Rin's group is at another table, giving her a thumbs up.
This does not assuage Rin's worries.
Nor does Aqua's comments about them being in a prior trial with this Prosecutor.
'There must be a reason her never told me about that…' Rin thinks as the prosecutor places a bell on the table.
'Is it a custom here?' Rin wonders as the prosecutor clears her throat.
"How do you plead to the charge of murder?"
"Innocent." Rin says, getting a murmur through the crowd.
"Even after all the testimony?"
"I did not intend to murder him, just hurt him…I thought a hero of the kingdom could take a punch from little old me~." Rin says, making Mitsurugi slouch further.
Rin somehow resists grinning.
"Do you not think it inaccurate to refer to yourself in such a lighthearted manner after your recent accomplishments? Killing two Rookie Killers within your first week as an adventurer, as well changing the behavior of an entire species to avoid a mating area they have visited for generations are feats even seasoned warriors could not accomplish."
"…Beginner's luck…And a bit of planning." Rin says while pushing a strand of hair over ear.
"No need to be so modest. It is quite obvious that you have spent considerable time and energy in honing such violent tendencies, Ms. Tohsaka."
"Violent ten-?!"
"If that is your real name." The prosecutor says, making Mitsurugi's party smile.
"What exactly are you implying?" Rin asks with white knuckles gripping the witness stand, a permanent indent on them now.
"Simple. Rin Tohsaka is not your real name and that you are guilty of the crime of being Kazuma Satou!" The prosecutor says with a dramatic finger point.
"Now that is beyond absurd! I can't believe a prosecutor is seriously calling this a crime! Sure, he's scummy at times, and perverted, and has a tendency to not show mercy, but Kazuma simply being Kazuma is not against the law!"
"It is when taken in regards with adventurer membership!"
"What?"
"Apologies, I may have been unclear in my desire of justice. Kazuma Satou is already affiliated with the Adventurer's Guild as an adventurer class. However, you have used those services again and obtained an advance class for free! That is a type of larceny that will not be excused!"
"I…am…" Rin starts to say with a bulging vein.
"Don't worry Kazuma! We'll still be on your side! Even if you are a hot chick!" A blonde man from the crowd says, making a brown haired girl look flatly at him.
"Especially since you're a hot chick!" Another random man with a mohawk says, a cracking sound from the witness stand now audible under Rin's grip.
"…Will he be wearing a swimsuit the next time we have to calm the Great Spirit of Storms?"
"I am not Kazuma Satou damn it!" Rin shouts and silence fills the court.
Mitsurugi and his party look on in shock.
The crowd looks on in shock as well.
The women sneer and the men smile with a glint in their eye, sending a shiver through Rin.
'…That can't be good.'
"Huh…I guess that settles the larceny matter…Such poor lewd taste…" The prosecutor says while adjusting her glasses, the last part a near whisper.
"Practice lowering your grumbles, Madam Prosecutor. I am not lewd." Rin says, making Sena look away a moment.
Then the bell rings.
The men and women stare in shock, making Rin tilt her head.
Then the men cheer, further confusing Rin.
"…You are taking this rather well…So shameless." Sena says, making Rin start to crack a knuckle but she stops herself.
"Taking what well? And how am I shameless?"
"The bell rung."
"…So?" Rin asks and Sena blinks.
"Weren't you on a trial not too long ago?"
"Yes but it didn't ring. Wait does that mean I'm guilty?" Rin asks, and Sena's mouth drops a moment before she rights herself.
"I…thought you would know already. It appears no one explained what the bell does in the first trial and I assumed they did…my apologies." Sena says before continuing.
"It is a magical item that rings whenever someone tells a lie."
Rin pales instantly.
'Then that means I just admitted to-!'
"T-the thing must be defective!" Rin shouts.
"It is not."
"I am not a lewd woman!" Rin says, getting another ring from the bell, and another cheer from the men.
"…Can we please move onto the killing? I'd rather not discuss your deranged fetishes in public."
"I don't-" Rin remains quiet before glancing at the bell.
The men lean forward in anticipation.
"She probably likes the abuse." The maroon haired girl in Mitsurugi's party says.
"Speaking about yourself?"
"That's not no. Why aren't you refuting it…Trash Brin~." The girl says with a grin that instantly falls when Rin crushes a section of railing on the witness stand.
"Wow…she's like Darkness but useful!" The blonde man shouts, making the brown haired girl cup her head, and Darkness stifle a moan.
"Order! Order in the court!" The judge says as Rin recalls something Kazuma said a moment from a long time ago.
'You really do have some 'Darkness' in you!'
'Is that what he meant at the time?!' Rin thinks with a clenched fist while looking at the blonde knight.
===
Caelus stops smiling before bringing a fist to his heart and looking at Artoria and Kazuma.
"Are you…his Servant?"
"You plagiarizing jerk!" Stella says with a smile as Kazuma and Artoria grimace.
"It must be this charisma skill that Cu mentioned some Servants have at work. I did not think it would work on him so well." Caelus says.
"You little-" He stops when Artoria grips his shoulder.
"Peace Kazuma…I am sure they are simply venting after whatever they saw in that Noble Phantasm…we should be patient." Artoria says even as her one eye twitches.
"…Now you are creeping me out…"
"I don't know little bro…I think it must have been her riding skill." Stella says, causing Artoria to vibrate and grind her teeth.
"Are you always this perverted?" Kazuma shoots back.
"That's not no~."
"It's no, and you didn't answer the-"
"I'm free spirited~!" Stella says with a pose.
Caelus brings a finger to his eye as if wiping away a fake tear.
"Does this mean the divorce is cancelled?" He asks, making both Artoria and Kazuma growl at the same time.
"We have to make sure this spark that reignited their bond doesn't fizzle out!" Stella says while giggling as she takes the camera from Caelus and approaches the vibrating Kazuma and Artoria before handing it to them.
"…What harebrained meaning is behind this 'gift'?" Artoria asks, and Stella smiles fully.
"Something blue, something old, and something borrowed~."
Kazuma raises his hand.
'That's it…I'm going to steal her-'
Artoria clears her throat quite loudly while tossing the camera back to Caelus who nearly misses. Then she looks up and smiles at Stella, confusing everyone present.
"Aren't you as amusing as ever, Gray Hair~." Artoria says in an identical voice to Sparkle, making Stella jump back with a pale pallor.
"W-w-w-what in the-?!"
"Oh come on now, is that any way to greet an old friend~?" Artoria asks with fists on her hips and a big bright smile.
"Oh Gods…"
'When the Hell could she do impressions?!' Kazuma wonders as Caelus shakes Stella a moment.
"Calm down sis! She's just trying to mess with you!" He says, and Kazuma stares blankly at him.
'…Fuck it, worth a shot.' Kazuma thinks before speaking.
"Such caring actions…are not per my will." Kazuma says in a startling likeness to the voice in Caelus' Hell, making him stare in abject shock at the equally stunned Kazuma before groaning a single continuous note as Stella hugs his head.
'…Another perk of the Elation path? The mimicry seems exactly like the 'Master Entertainer' skill.' Kazuma notes down as Stella tries to console Caelus before glaring at them.
"How could you!? He's just a baby!"
'He's the tallest person here!' Kazuma thinks behind a neutral face as he continues.
"Age matters not…to Destruction." Kazuma says in the eerily similar tone, making Caelus groan once more with tears in his eyes.
Artoria giggles like Sparkle.
"Come now, Gray Hair, can't you take a joke? Or did you finally find a rule not meant to be broken?" Artoria says with a shoulder shrug and upward palms.
Stella and Caelus look wide eyed at them until Kazuma and Artoria start giggling before laughing heartily.
Kazuma has his hands around his stomach, and Artoria is cupping her mouth to stifle her own laughter.
Caelus and Stella glare at them.
The laughter stops when Caelus materializes a bat and Stella a giant flaming lance.
"And I thought I was humorless!" Artoria says before drawing her blade with a smile.
"You think you could take her together? She's stronger than she looks." Kazuma says.
"I'm going after you." Caelus says.
'…He's scarier than Mitsurugi at least…' Kazuma thinks with a feeling of growing dread.
"And I can take her~." Stella says with a smirk, making Caelus sigh before refocusing on Kazuma.
===
Rin stares at the floor for a long moment.
"…I'll uh, have part of this scrubbed from the public record…"
"Thank you…"
"As for the murder…"
"Do I have to repeat myself? I did not intend to murder him."
"One does not simply kill on accident with their fists."
"I...had an excellent teacher in that regard. And honestly, look at what he is wearing!" Rin says while gesturing to Mitsurugi in his heavy armor.
"Would anyone believe a simple punch could kill someone wearing that?!" Rin says while pointing at the fully armored Mitsurugi.
"Are you…blaming the victim for dying?" Sena asks.
"Yes! He and his party annoyed me after a very long week-"
"3 days." Aqua says, making Rin glare at her a moment.
"…Which felt like a week, accused me of being a man and-" Rin stops when more wood splintering is heard and she sees herself holding a part of detached, crushed, and falling apart railing.
"…For what it is worth, I didn't want to press charges." Mitsurugi says.
"So you just went along with what these two wanted? My, how very manly of you." Rin says in monotone.
"T-that's not what happened!" Mitsurugi says and the bell rings.
"…In light of their being no larceny, no permanent murder, and no desire to press charges from the victim, I will throw this case out." The judge says.
"Trash Brin…Trash Brin…Trash Brin…Trashzuma goes inside the Trash Brin!" The women chant in unison after the judge hits his gavel.
'Silver lining…they aren't calling me Kazuma anymore…I need a drink.' Rin thinks with vacant eyes.
===
Stella lunges forward, but her spear is easily deflected by Artoria who sends her flying with a riposte before jumping after her in pursuit.
Caelus approaches Kazuma with his bat on his shoulder.
Kazuma flips him off.
Caelus runs his hand along the bat, now making it glow before running forward and taking a swing.
"Lurk!" Kazuma says and evades the blow.
'I'll just wait over here until he and Stella calm down.' Kazuma thinks before noticing Caelus looking right at him.
'Wait…He can't possibly-'
"I know a few people with stealth abilities. They're better at it then you." He says while approaching Kazuma.
'Oh crap.'
"You can't hide from me scumbag!" Caelus says before swinging again. Kazuma narrowly avoids it and looks in horror at the now bent at a right angle street light.
Artoria meanwhile attempts to whack Stella with the flat of her blade, but finds herself caught on one of the rocky divots of the spear. Before she can fully pull away, Stella whips the spear around, sending Artoria flying into a wall. She quickly sidesteps to the left as the spear impales into the wall.
"Are you sincerely trying to kill me?! Over an impression?!"
"I heard from Cu Servants are really tough…I'm just limit testing you~." Stella says with a wink.
'…Gray haired, brings me much trouble…She is really starting to remind me of Morgan despite the starkly different personality.' Artoria thinks within a split second calm before deflecting another attack.
Then Stella pauses and snickers, causing Artoria to tilt her head.
"King of Knights…Your nickname is Kok!"
'Must….not…use…Excalibur!' Artoria thinks while gripping her hilt tightly, recalling the exhaustion at using it in the Winter Shogun fight and suspecting the taunt is part of Stella's plan.
But the smirking Gray haired devil makes it so very tempting.
Kazuma meanwhile is on the back foot, narrowly dodging each of Caelus' swings, each one breaking air or brick when it hits a wall.
"Feel the wrath of the Galactic Baseballer!"
"Create Water!" Kazuma casts, making the floor wet, but Caelus doesn't lose his footing.
"Freeze!" Kazuma says as Caelus attempts another swing and he starts to slip and lose his footing before the bat turns into a hat.
Caelus then sidesteps and pirouettes in the air, landing near Kazuma. He changes the hat back to a bat and swings downward.
Kazuma dives along the icy floor he made and slides away.
"Is running away all you can do?" Caelus asks before hitting the ice and shattering it before walking to Kazuma with a quick step.
"Not at all…Steal!" Kazuma says and Caelus covers his eyes at the light. When it fades, he is still holding his bat but gasps at what Kazuma is holding.
A dark blue book.
'What the Hell?'
Caelus freezes.
"…Hand over the book."
"Why should I? I stole it fair and square~."
"Because I will-" Caelus stops when Kazuma makes a flame appear out of his finger tip and holds it closer to the book.
A moment later Stella lands nearby, landing on her feet after rolling along the ground. Then she sees Kazuma holding the book.
"Oh…I am going to hurt you so bad you Baneb Baneb of a degenerate!" She says, her fury changing to confusion than exasperation.
'What the Hell?' Kazuma thinks as Artoria lands nearby.
"Really sis? You of all people calling someone a degenerate?"
"Oh Baneb you bro! Oh c'mon! I'm not even on Paperfold University grounds for Baneb sake! Why was I able to swear before?!"
"That was probably a loophole with that being an acronym." Artoria says.
'Guess this world has its own laws…' Kazuma thinks as a giant watery dragon appears, making them all stop.
"Why are you all fighting?" Dan Heng asks, now wearing a different outfit and having horns growing out of his head.
Artoria and Kazuma point to Stella and Caelus who point back at them.
Dan Heng sighs before glaring at the twins.
"You believed them?! You barely know them!" Stella says.
"True, but I do know you two would annoy someone into violence." Dan Heng says.
"…Shit, he's right." Caelus says, making Stella look at him with an open mouth.
"What is this double standard Baneb?!" Stella says before screeching a moment.
"Is everyone else doing better?" Caelus asks.
"A little, but we also got a message."
"Skott is taunting us?" Stella asks.
"No, it was from the organizers of the Grail War…the Grail War is temporarily delayed due to Grady's Noble Phantasm. Also Skott and Grady were arrested." Dan Heng says, making Artoria's jaw drop and Kazuma stare in disbelief.
"…Cu Chulainn reacted similarly…Is this uncommon in prior Grail Wars?"
===
Rin cannot believe the bullshit she is seeing now.
A paper notice on the wall.
"Come to the café on Steel Street! 20% discount on all services this week, with a 69% discount for a certain request! Details inside!"
Rin doesn't need to ask what that request is as she rips the notice off the wall and stomps towards the guild. Only to see dozens more ads on the next wall.
'…One piece of paper is about the length of my wrist to the other if I hold them finger tip to finger tip…It'll probably take a few hundred to-'
"Please stop calculating how much paper you need to burn down the café." Megumin says.
"I wasn't calculating that." Rin says.
Darkness makes a ding noise like the bell ringing, making Rin clench a fist.
"…I was calculating how much I would need to burn this town to the ground." Rin says, making the trio wide eyed.
===In another timeline===
"…What do you mean you haven't found the observatory turned telescope yet?" Artoria says from her new throne.
"My liege, these Crimson Demons are endlessly inventive and-" The knight in dark armor stops when she stands, now at her full height, nearly double from her time in England.
"I did not bring you back from the dead, Sir Beldia, to give me excuses."
"I understand…I will redouble my efforts." Beldia says while taking a knee.
After reporting other banal matters, Beldia takes his leave.
'Like Hell I'll hand over that telescope! Giving those scarlet wretches some better meals allows me to resume spying on the Demon Princess again, and I get to look at this busy blonde now too as soon as she forgets to close her curtains! A fine precursor to my revenge against that mad party in Axel~!' Beldia thinks as he leaves the throne room.
'…Is this truly the best the Demon King had to work with?' Artoria thinks with a sigh.
'At least the curtains are magic proof…and bird proof.'
alextheconqueror
Versed in the lewd.
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2022
- Messages
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- 5,757
Same
They are trouble
I think they did yes
Not surprised by that, people love to gossip
As expected of Rin
Damm straight
True
That's true, yeah
Fair, it took some time for that to happen though
...I like her
Oooh, interesting
Broooo
Fair enough XD
True enough, I give credit when it's deserved, and damm if he isn't worying to deal with
Huh, that makes sense
I literally read it in the voice of a telemarket ad, it was funny
Oooh, goody
True but I still wanna hear
It is
I can already see it XD
Thanks
Horror comedy is peak
I never have
As good as any plan
I see
Yeah, I can see it, surprised they didn't actually stumble upon something like that
Wich is scary specifically because of the person who have it
Fair enough but it's not out of reach
Don't worry, you are good
Being honest I'm all for that deviation
EMIYA: He has no idea how true is that
True
I mean depends of the sword woman *Looks at Darkness and Mordred*
I know this is Darkness character just needed to comment it
True enough
Tecnically is more consistent than you expect, the faith only enhances the power and the toads are basically inmune to blut damage, they literally absorb and disperse almost all the force of a punch
I wouldn't either
Nope, it was glowing and she shout "God blow!"
Exactly
Fair enough
Yeah, she's pridefull like that
*Insert music from Persona 5*
Indeed XD
Kazuma would prefer a dramatic exit
At least it's not Uther
I don't think they are read to deal with Romania!Artoria
That was a terrible joke and you should feel proud of yourself XD
It's a bitch
Indeed
Not until it's too late
Fair enough
Again, fair enough
Right, forgot that she has maxed stats in everything but Int and Luck
Masochist shield XD
He can deal with it
My man!
True
Interesting
Super serious 2
That's also true
See guys, even the author agrees with me XD
It just would be so funny
I can see
Depends on who you ask
I was just being funny because I am pretty sure it's Avicebron
Will read it, and comment after coming back from college