21st January 2013
11:38 EST
He didn't need to do that.
"I am entity Volthoom. Observed behavioural models consistent with heroic self-identification."
And after what I've been through… Sure, I can't turn Volthoom
off, but it's a hell of a lot easier to
ignore.
"I am entity Volthoom. Psychological self-assessment indicative of major trauma."
But I'm
nearly home, with a power ring he didn't need to give back. So I owe him, I guess. And I'm no welsher. So I'll pay him back if he ever
asks.
And if he doesn't ask, that's
his fault.
"I am entity Volthoom. Dwarf planet Luna approaching. Binary partner Earth approaching."
And I
barely felt the need to tell Volthoom that it's a moon called The Moon. Mammon-damned nerd-ring.
"I am entity Volthoom. Ultraman's Fortress in sight."
I grin
as I make an egg launcher and fire a volley of eggs at his front window, then watch them sail into the void.
"I am entity Volthoom. Infantile retribution accomplished in five, four, three, two, one. Infantile retribution successful."
And
that's why he should leave his basic force field on all the time, and not just set it to reactive mode. Now, on to the base on The Moon.
"I am entity Volthoom. User is currently being tracked by thirty four turrets."
The automatic defences deploy the moment I fly over the horizon, but whether they fire or not depends on how much of an asshole Thomas feels like being right now. Not like they don't know who I am,
or what I did to earn my seat at the table.
I used to feel a
churning in my stomach when those things pointed at me. One of the few things in the world that could kill me, pointing at me every time. Now, nothing.
They don't fire, but the door doesn't open either. Guess he's feeling like being a
medium asshole today.
"I am entity Volthoom. Thomas Wayne is most likely using this opportunity to assess any new capacities."
Now, see, that was actually helpful. Why can't you say things like that more often?
"I am entity Volthoom. Thomas Wayne is most likely also using this opportunity to be an asshole."
And I feel like being a dick.
And you know what dicks do to assholes? Particularly when the dick was paying attention when that Orange Lantern was hitting Parallax.
"I am entity Volthoom. Dicks that fuck assholes often receive a coating of faecal matter."
Nobody's perfect.
The big airlock doors disintegrate beautifully, plasma fields keeping the air inside contained as I
fly inside.
"Guess who's back, fuckers!
"
Right, everybody's going to be in the meeting room. And everyone else is off the moon base, because this is Big Dog Day and they're not Big Dogs.
That sounds fucking juvenile, doesn't it?
"I am entity Volthoom. Yes."
Rarf.
Oh, good, Thomas isn't being a
total asshole. The doors on the way to the meeting room open as I
fly through the place, though I'm still going to bet that he hasn't bothered to tell any of the others. God below I have
not missed any of them. Ultraman's cuckold fetish. Thomas's incredible pettiness. Johnny Quick's drug addled brain farts. Superwoman's
grating vanity and lack of imagination.
Honestly, I would gladly hand every single one of them over to Luthor if I didn't know he'd be even worse.
"I am entity Volthoom. Perhaps they see you in a similar way?"
Yeah, well, fuck 'em.
Finally. Meeting room doors. Land, and push them open.
"Back again!
"
Ultraman looks surprised. Or possibly gormless. Superwoman clearly doesn't care. Owlman's blank and Quick is blinking fast enough that I can feel the wind from here. Thought they weren't going to let him shoot up before a meet-?
Some guy in black and red with a burning skull for a head is sitting in my seat.
"Hey there, new guy. Who're you?
"
"I am
Deathstorm."
"Like it. Super-edgy. Sounds like a joke until people start dying, then it goes all the way around and starts being scary again.
"
"You
quit, Power Ring." Ultraman's trying to look confident and commanding. But all he can manage is
smug, and that's a
joke when you realise what an immature fuckup he is. You got born with power, fell over
more power, and the only reason why Thomas lets you think you're in charge is because he doesn't want to have to fix the damage you'd do in your death-throes. "You wanna try taking your seat back?"
"Nah, Super-Death-Kill-Nasty-Man can keep it. I'm sure he's earned it. I'm calling
you out, you f-.
"
His fist hits
my wall so fast that for an instant I can still see him sitting on his chair. But unlike last time, and the time before that and the time before
that, it doesn't break.
The wall holds.
I like that look on his face.
"You can't do that."
There's a barely visible
blur as he tried hitting it again.
Guess who's not afraid any more?
"Yeah. I can. Know what
else I can do?
"
"
DIE!"
This heat vision hits
my wall to absolutely no effect. Tunnel vision. Him
not seeing my constructs.
WOOOOOOM!
"AGH!"
He slams his hands over his ears, staggering and falling to his knees. Everyone else is backing up in exactly the sort of display of loyalty and valour I've come to expect.
"Three hundred and eighty-five megahertz. Exactly the frequency to really
fuck up your inner ears.
"
"
Nyugnugguuuh!"
"Hurts a lot. Now I know how this goes: the powerful one smacks the weaker one around a bit, then we get back to business. But I read Machiavelli, and you know what he says? 'Never do an enemy a small injury.' You know what happens at three hundred and
ninety megahertz?
"
His eyes open. "Nghnooo!"
"The kryptonite crystals in your blood explode.
"
WOOOOOOM!
…
I look at his body as it starts to
sag. Honestly, I thought that he'd burst, but other than his eyes going red he doesn't look much different. Even with all the internal lacerations. Funny, that.
"I am entity Volthoom. Residual effects of kryptonite radiation maintain physical integrity. Will end once kryptonite denatures."
I plant my right boot on his forehead and shove him over and then walk around the table to the head, making eye contact with the recovering members of the Society.
"Here comes the new boss, different from the old boss.
" I give them a moment to retake their seats, or in Deathstorm's case make a new one from thin air. And then I very pointedly sit down in what used to be Ultraman's seat.
"Owlman. What's been happening while I've been gone?
"