Personally, I feel it repeats all the things we already know. But I'll give it a shot, add another .5 chapter to the story. If it doesn't work out, however, I'm telling everyone that it's your fault.
Full disclosure: I don't really care for Sabah. That said, do we really need to retread more of the same stuff from a different perspective? I didn't mind Lisa's pov when it was done, mostly because she's one of the perfect characters fornon-hamfisted info dumps. Sabah's kind of meh in that regard.
The other side is their relationship was already straining, and now one half of it has suddenly become damaged and needs her partner to validate and commit to make her pain worthwhile. That's a tall order and very scary, especially when Sabah wasn't ready to commit to more than they had, even if she wanted it and was upset that Lilly wasn't devoting herself to her more.
XD He really is good at this sort of thing. Which wouldn't be expected if he was essentially a social recluse--or at least disconnected from people--before his trigger like I recall Lisa observing...
Wow, repress more, why don't you?
The first part seemed a bit choppy, though it got better as it went on. Brought up because in conjunction with the below:
The "Not" is really, really choppy. I get that you're probably trying the same technique as the "Zach. Go. Plow. Emma." line above, but it doesn't work in this situation, imo. It's just one word, in the middle of the line. Emphasis via italics or bolding would have worked better, I think.
/snerk Gee, I wonder who?
wear off*
At first, I thought that this was why Sabah had left that "fateful" night. She wouldn't be able to have a real conversation with her without risking Lily lashing out, and with her power...
Eh? I guess I also forgot how the suit can keep them alive for that long. I had some vague impression of it basically intravenously pumping in nutrients, using BS tinkertech to avoid damage to the veins over time.
Exhibitionism...or just not wanting to feel clothes on her skin, not after so long in that suit.
...dammit, Sabah. This was the perfect opportunity for you to be dominant while still fulfilling her needs! Just tie her to a chair while gagged, so she can watch without getting in the way! Or have her be your mannequin, guiding her limbs with your threads! Something! Gah.
Thanks. It's good to see when the little touches like that one get noticed. These are my second favorite kinds of comments.
More like gallows humor. "Glass nap" as a substitute for "dirt nap" which is a euphemism for death.
It's *meant* to be choppy. It's suppose to represent speaking in a choppy fashion. If you're having that much trouble visualizing it in your head, try speaking it out loud.
It was explained to you literally two chapters ago.
You recall incorrectly.
discreet
preferred it a little
I just realized something. Assuming she was in for 197 days, and her food was 9 calories per gram, that means that either she was carrying around 43 kilograms of food, or the suit was recycling... waste material. That might've played a role in the loss of appetite.
When I said the first part, I meant the first sentence fragment. "Lily's not." The rest is fine, I got that. The first fragment didn't sound like it fit, unless it ended with a -- to indicate that she was cut off or changed her mind rather than that she was just making a super-short sentence.
Oh, the straw? Again, fair enough, I guess.
Alas, a recurring flaw of mine with this story, it seems.
Ah, in that case, you may consider it an incorrect extrapolation. Recluse wasn't the right word, but there's a plethora of examples where physical frailty led to being shunned or disconnected from ones peers. The overcompensation being how outgoing he was being, now that the illness was no longer an issue. His early behavior was pretty consistent with someone not really knowing how to deal with people, too, though he's obviously gotten better about it. I do recall (though this might be misremembered too ) him explaining why he acted the way he did in a conversation with Crystal, though, but even that one felt like "now that I have a chance to, I'm going to live it up." Which implies that he couldn't or didn't before. Though after rereading it...
Oh! Does that mean I can take credit for this line? Cause that's pure gold!
Sabah found out when she saw the blood from the projectile nose-bleed on the wall next to their door.
Yeap, definitely misread that....at least I was only 1 letter off, lol.
it wouldn't be that accurate,if he called himself "The Matrix" then it would be a give-away to what he can do.
And now you're just trolling.
'I think I'll revive an argument that only settled down the other day. Even if everyone, this topic, and canon has already proven me wrong.
I'll' stop bringing up Coil and his magic computer simulator power...but i still get the last laugh..
Seriously, the joke is no longer funny and engaging in trolling is just dickish behavior. And not even in the fun kind of TanaNari brand dickish behavior.
