Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

Davos · Wednesday at 7:29 PM

Albedodragono said:
i wonder if this Kazuma will kick aqua,darkness and megumin out since they are the main reason he lost his manor and got the debts put on him.

Have some faith in Rin

alextheconqueror · 2026-05-02T03:31:04+0100

Davos said:
"I…never knew Servants had such an appetite…" Robin says at the mountain of burger wrappers on the table.

The Artorias are a special case

Davos said:
Kazuma and Stella each had two.

Cu enjoyed three.

Robin and Dan Heng each had one.

Saber and Robin's Servant had a duel after their fourth burger.

Competiton and food, two of the best ways to fire up Saber

Davos said:
Saber narrowly won, and both developed an odd respect for the other before eating another burger.

And minor embarrassment upon Robin's words.

Not surprised, they still have their dignity

Davos said:
'I never want to hear that damn wrapper crinkle ever again…' Kazuma thinks.

You should see my family when it's time to eat

Davos said:
'She would have been helpful in that contest at the food stand on Belobog.' Stella thinks.

Huh, she would had been

Davos said:
'How is she still so thin?' Cu and Dan Heng think.

I dunno, Avalon? Dragon Core shenanigans?

Davos said:
"…May I have your name?" Artoria asks while scratching her cheek before finding a sesame seed on it.

"Apologies, bu I forgot…I have amnesia…You can call me Caster" Robin's Servant says, drawing a neutral look from Artoria and a glance from Robin.

Oh, she is hiding something

Davos said:
'…I don't think she's lying, and this Grail War is beyond peculiar…but after Archer I am a little wary about claims of amnesia.'

That's some healthy paranoia, unlike the unhealthy paranoia she had before

Davos said:
"So…what should we do bout this fake message and Skott?" Kazuma asks.

"Contest hasn't started yet, and I really doubt Skott can take Boothill and his Servant so let's take the day off." Stella says.

"I like that plan." Kazuma says.

Same, that's my type of vibe

Davos said:
"I am not sure about leaving him be…a small problem now can become quite irksome later on." Artoria says while glancing at Kazuma.

I mean, she's not wrong

Davos said:
"I'm surprised you're insulting me with a look instead of asking for dessert."

Why not do both?

Davos said:
"I would not abuse Miss Robin's goodwill like that…"

"The total for your meal is 50,400 credits." A staff member says, making Artoria and Robin's servant look to the side.

A little too late for that

Davos said:
'…1800 a burger…oh wow…' Everyone thinks before Robin pays with a smile before everyone leaves the food place.

You should thank you have someone loaded

Davos said:
"This is a gift for breaking the record of most burger in one sitting…though I am sure you could go even further. Would you be interested in the all you can eat contest later this week? Winner gets a lifetime discount and the title 'Burger King'…or 'Burger Queen' if you're entering!"

Artoria looks to the ground, torn between wanting food, and not wanting that title.

Yeah, that tracks, though I can see Saber Alter taking that tittle with pride

Davos said:
The unfairness of her being a servant in a contest for people also crosses her mind.

There's also that yeah

Davos said:
"…Why did you tell them your class was Caster when it's Berzerker?"

So this is a Berserker that probably fights like a Caster, Morgan is it you?

Davos said:
"How can they sue us?!" Aqua shouts as Rin reads more of the letter, glowering with every additional word as Aqua continues.

"It's not like we're the ones that commissioned that icky place…if anything it should only be you." Aqua says.

"They listed why in the letter…apparently you all terrorized the place the last two weeks and I was just the final straw." Rin says, making all three pale.

Then why did they accepted when they saw the address? Oh god, this was planned, this is a scheme from the cafe to take vengeance

Davos said:
"…What did you three do?" Rin asks.

"I…may have told some of my followers about that place…Which might have lead to some broken windows and possible death threats if you read a few letters in a certain mindset…" Aqua says while playing with her thumbs.

Yeah, I can see that happening

Davos said:
"I may have been a bit too forward in my requests there…" Darkness says.

"Wait, you've given me how much crap for going there when she went there?!" Rin shouts with a clenched fist.

"I didn't ask for their services, I wanted a uniform." Darkness says.

That aso makes sense

Davos said:
Rin remains quiet before looking at Aqua and Megumin.

"We are not like that!" They both shout at the same time.

I mean, Megumin still likes Kazuma but she isn't as much of a pervert as Darkness

Davos said:
"It truly was not for them, I thought a skimpy revealing outfit would prompt Kazuma into action, but I didn't realize it was a bot until your arrival."

"…Are you into him?" Rin asks.

"I…am not sure…He did me a great favor not too long ago, but just as important…he is a truly twisted man, able to harass me in ways I never dreamed of! So to go two weeks without that was utter Hell!" Darkness says with squeal.

She is totally into him

Davos said:
"…You really are depraved."

"Your attempt at flattering insults is underwhelming, especially when you of all people call someone else depraved, O sow who sought out a succubus café on her first day in Axel."

Ha! This is golden

Davos said:
"I didn't sought it out, I found it by accident!"

"Did you also accidentally walk inside, slipped and filled out a request form, before tripping all the way back to the manor and tucking yourself in early like a good little harlot?" Darkness asks.

She have a valid point

Davos said:
"What did you do?"

"…I may have sent in a threat to blow them up." Megumin says drawing shocked faces from all three. Aqua recovers and gives her a thumbs up.

Ok, yeah, that's part of the curse to her, and Aqua I know you have a bias but don't encourage her

Davos said:
"Why?!" Rin asks with a voice crack.

"I was passing by there one day when I overheard them training a new hire. They were telling her what body types to avoid unless specifically asked for, and they used my picture! I still recall the words that smug succubus said! 'This is illegal!' She even repeated it while looking at right me!" Megumin shouts with glowing eyes and a flick of her cape.

I mean, they weren't exactly wrong, just being assholes about it

Davos said:
Rin starts hitting her head on the door.

'No wonder he wanted a vacation!'

Yeah, the fact he had to deal with this constantly is prove of his patience

Davos said:
The door to the main car is kicked open, surprising everyone as a young blonde man with a bandana covering his face enters. He raises his gun and holds a bag in the other hand.

"This is a hold up! Put the money in the bag!"

Kazuma: Ugh, a robbery
Cu: *Grins* Oh, a robbery

Davos said:
Everyone looks on quietly a moment before raising their weapons. They stop when another man in all black with a cowboy hat appears and grabs the blonde's head.

"What the fork are you doing ashvole?! I told you these here are good people!"

"I know, but when will I ever get another chance to pretend rob a train in space?" The blonde says with a grin while spinning his revolver.

He has a point

Davos said:
"He makes a good point…perhaps there is another train we can rob for a funn experiment…" Da Vinci says with a hand at her chin, drawing a stare from Himeko.

Never change Da vinci

Davos said:
"…The IPC uses trains like the Express right?" Caelus asks, making Da Vinci and the blonde smile, before the cowboy and Himiko raise their hand with the silent threat of a command seal.

I like how he thinks

Davos said:
"I thought you hated the IPC Boothill?" Stella asks.

Not surprised by this info, but surprised he decided to stop who I'm pretty sure is Billy The Kid

Davos said:
"I do, but I am not the sort that likes being pulled into other's harebrained schemes." Boothill says.

"You didn't sound that upset when I called you to help with that shorty cult while I was a hotel manager." Stella says.

"Wait, what?" Kazuma asks.

"That's cause you ain't an other, yer a pal. Blondie here just appeared outta nowhere, talking magic mumbo jumbo about servants and fudging magical cups. Almost shot him for thinking he was an IPC spy with chute for brains before I got that message from the old guy. Hell, the only reason I even agreed to that odd chant was cause I knew Rappa would jump to join this war."

That makes sense to me, if a friend asked me to deal with a cult I would probably say "Son of a bitch, I'm in" but if it's a random thenno way unless he pays me

Davos said:
"Yeah, timing was good too…I'd hate to kill my Master when he so needs tip on his shooting form."

"That's another thing…Stop talking carp bout my shooting!"

"Maybe I wouldn't if you hit your mark!"

Yep, it's Billy

Davos said:
"…Then you'd be dead Billy." Boothill says.

"Not with how you aim." Billy says with a wider smile.

Oooooh, that should had burn

Davos said:
"Muddlefudger!" Boothill mutters before raising his own gun, only for it to fly out his hand. Billy blows out the smoke from his barrel with a grin.

"See? I know most probably don't have my skill but the fact I could do that shows you're as slow as mol-" Billy's calm talk stops when another shot rings out and blows off his hat. Looking over he sees Boothill pointing at him with a smoking finger.

Tbf, I doubt many people can compare to you Mr "I am so good that my NP is my skill to shoot two times before my opponent attacks"

Davos said:
"You were saying?"

"…You have literal finger guns?" Billy asks with wide eyes.

"Yeah."

"That is amazing…I want that!" Billy says.

"No you do not." Boothill says.

Yes, he would

Davos said:
"Can we not shoot up the train? We already have a possible time bomb with another blonde." Kazuma says.

"…I am not a bomb." Artoria says.

Agree to disagree

Davos said:
"Plus, now that he is here we know Skott is just desperately sending fake messages." Dan Heng says

"What you talking about brother?" Boothill asks, and they show him the message supposedly from Boothill. After finishing, both he and Billy have to lean on a couch to keep from falling in
laughter.

Yep, that sums it up

Davos said:
"Salutations?! Hahaha!"

"This guy knows nothing about outlaws gahaha!"

Ikr, amateurs

Davos said:
Another message appears. Boothill and Billy read it, laughing harder before Boothill takes a breath and tries to do something before grunting in annoyance.

"Darn metal fingers…Billy, can you take a picture on this?"

Yep, can't think of anything but Drac witht he smartphone

Davos said:
"Excellent news Master! They responded!" Grady says.

"They did?" What did they-"

Both fall silent when they see a picture of Boothill smiling and flipping them off. Skott jumps back when he sees the second pic of Boothill pointing a gun at him.

Heh, classic

Davos said:
"Ok that's it! Since you can't get them to come here, I will!" Skott says.

"How do you plan to do that?"

"Watch and learn…but before I do that, there is absolutely no chance your Noble Phantasm will fail, right?"

Wonder what he's planning

Davos said:
"I am the most powerful being on Penacony!"

.... I feel a disturbance in the force

Davos said:
'I hope so…' Skott thinks before sending a message back.

You probably will need that claim to be real

Davos said:
"Oh! The shot for brains actually sent something-" Boothill says before glowering.

"What did he say?"

"Forker called me a salt and pepper chicken! He called the entire Express one too."

Oh, uh oh

Davos said:
"Is this really all he-"

"Let's go to the theme park, kick his ass, and make him cluck!" Stella says, cutting off Kazuma who stares at her blankly.

Yep, that tracks

Davos said:
'…This woman's an idiot…' Artoria thinks as Dan Heng cups his head.

She is, a gremlin, adorable, incredibly funny idiot

Davos said:
"Stella, that's exactly what he wants us to do." March says.

"Then he must have forgotten what happened in Arum alley and the results of your training!" Stella says.

"…You're just saying that because you want to see me in that outfit again."

I kinda wanna see

Davos said:
"So you don't want to kick Skott's ass properly this time?"

A moment later March sighs and goes to change.

Huh, she is good

Davos said:
"What did this Skott do in that alley and elsewhere to engender such ill will?" Artoria asks.

"He tried to close down Arum alley as part of a possible acquisition for the IPC…for context, it is a string of odd shops and amazing restaurants." Stella says with a glint in her eye.

Correction, she ins incredibly good

Davos said:
Artoria gasps and readies her blade.

"This Skott is a blackheart!"

He hit the food button

Davos said:
'So easy to manipulate…~' Stella thinks with a grin.

As long as you know the buttons to push

Davos said:
"So what do you say about teaming up Boothill and-" Caelus starts to ask before noticing Boothill and Billy are gone.

I'm not even surprised

Davos said:
"…Are they seriously charging headfirst into a trap because they were called chicken?" Kazuma asks.

"Wouldn't be the first time he went into a dangerous situation. He has helped us in fighting threats that could have destroyed the cosmos." Dan Heng says.

No wonder he summoned Billy

Davos said:
"I doubt Skott will be a threat, but his Servant could be an issue….plus I want to see him make more animal noises~." Stella says with a lilt in her voice.

*Don't fold don't fold fon't fold*

Davos said:
Rin takes the stand, staring back at a succubus in a professional uniform who places a bell on a nearby table, ignoring the crowd behind her looking their way.

Time to judgement

Davos said:
"Name and occupation?"

"Rin Tohsaka, and…new adventurer."

"Why the pause?"

"Still getting used to that being my job…"

Davos said:
"I see…Can you describe the evens of the other night in question." The succubus lawyer asks, and an audible groan from the wooden railing creaks out as the crowd of men lean on it. The women look in annoyance both at the men and at Rin.

"…Do I have to?"

Yes

Davos said:
"It is for the official record."

"…I bought the services of that establishment, without knowing the prior history they had with the current residents."

This would probably give her leniency

Davos said:
"Ignorance does not pardon law breaking."

"What law did I break? As I said, I did not know about the prior visit, and I did nothing to the bizarre establishment." Rin asks with crossed arms.

"You are an accessory." The lawyer answers back.

"That's shaky grounds and you know it. If someone held the door open out of politeness to someone, and that someone robbed a bank, would you say that person who held the door was involved in the robbery?"

Rin makes a valid point

Davos said:
"Of course not…but your connection with this group cannot be overlooked."

"What connection? I only met them three days ago! I can't be held responsible for their actions!"

"Are you throwing us under the bus?!" Aqua shouts.

You are telling me you didn't planned to do the same?

Davos said:
"So you are not 'close' with Kazuma Satou?" The succubus asks and Rin pauses a moment.

"…What does that have to do with anything?" She asks, causing a murmur in the crowd.

"It is true…" A burly fighter says.

Here will come the gossip

Davos said:
"She must be quite depraved, more so than any of us thought…!" A woman in skimpy excuse of armor says.

Girl, look at the mirror before talking

Davos said:
"Kazuma's got good taste…" A blonde man says before getting a glare from a brown haired girl with a tail.

Dust, good old Dust, just as cultured as ever

Davos said:
"Oh God…does she know steal too?" Another woman mutters in fear.

Not yet

Davos said:
Rin grips the wooden railing hard enough to make it creak.

"The young man has a history of destruction and law breaking, The fact you are with him speaks volumes about your lack of character."

Didn't he saved the city? Like multiple times?
Also all the charges against him were solved

Davos said:
"How dare- I'll admit, he has questionable moments but he is not bad at heart! Which is more than could be said of you, you dream realm parasite masquerading as a lawyer!"

Ok, that sounded racist, might affect a little how this come out XD

Davos said:
"Such hollow insults when you purchased services from such 'parasites'."

"You're insinuation might hurt more if you haven't refused my refund!"

Yeah, that's what hurts more

Davos said:
"Order!" The judge says again.

I don't think they are hearing you anymore

Davos said:
"Your purchase will be put towards reparations."

That's never good to hear

Davos said:
"…And what are those reparations? The letter never said what they were."

"Acquisition of your manor and a debt to be paid off over the course of-"

Aqua shrill cry of horror makes the lawyer flinch.

This is why we don't leave them unsupervised

Davos said:
"I don't wanna sleep in a stable again!"

"I want to continue eating real food! I don't want to eat worms!"

"…I wouldn't mind either…~" Darkness says with a smile.

Not the moment Darkness they are having a panic attack

Davos said:
"…Can I speak alone with you for a moment? I want to make a deal."

A moment later they are behind a divide with the judge.

"What harebrained deal are you thinking?"

"If I let you use their likeness for dreams, would that settle everything?"

Oh, so this is what she was planning

Davos said:
"Why would you think that would work?"

"They're deranged but good looking. I imagine you would rake in quite a lot of cash with their faces and figures…or at least two of them."

This is good but there's one problem with this-

Davos said:
"You make a solid point…there is just one tiny issue." The lawyer says with a grin inching up.

"What's that?"

"We already use their likeness~. Did you already forget that customers can describe how their partner can look in a dream?"

Dreams doesn't have copyright issues

Davos said:
"Don't worry…I am sure after today there will be a line today asking for you as well…a very long line~." The lawyer says, making Rin groan, and the judge smiles a moment before correcting himself.

Rin groans a little louder.

Seriously man, I know Rin is gorgeous but be professional

Davos said:
"We'll also give the honor a discount…I am sure he must be tired from the stress of his duties…~." The succubus says with a wink, making the judge stammer a weak refusal.

Doesn't that count as bribing the judge? Why nobody is mentioning that

Davos said:
Rin groans yet again, but now she has a plan.

Using the fact that they intentionally agreed to go the house of people they already had problems before knowing very well how the last time went with one of them being considered an intruder by one of the residents and using it for a case against the succubus cafe for making fraud in the court? Who am I kidding, Rin isn't good enough at this to think of that

Davos said:
"Prepare to die Forker!" Boothill says upon entering the theme park.

"I see stealth is not your strong suit, Master." Billy says.

"No need to hide if ya make sure there is no one to hide from."

That's called hard stealth, search it up XD

Davos said:
"…You come out with some of the greatest lines Booty."

He does, and that's a great Nickname

Davos said:
"Don't call me that."

Too late, you are now Booty

Davos said:
"How loud and raucous…Can you be any more ill mannered, you second rate background villain?" A haughty voice says from the elevated platform. Skott is behind him, wearing a helmet, vest, and reinforced leggings, causing Boothill to chuckle.

I feel like a weird mixture of Gilgamesh and Shakespeare coming from him, I'm worried

Davos said:
"Are you the forker that's been impersonating me so poorly?"

"Careful…there is a reason he wanted us here Master, so we should-" Billy starts before Grady laughs loudly.

Yeah, don't think reason will win this fight

Davos said:
"I am so far beyond you, that trying to get down to your level proves impossible."

"…Screwwubaboo, Ima kill him."

Being honest, would react the same

Davos said:
"Allow me, he's still a Servant…And I am sure it's the turtle behind him that sent the message calling you a chicken." Billy says while quickly checking his gun, making Skott swallow nervously.

Always bet on Billy for a quickdraw

Davos said:
"Fools…you think you can best me? In Penacony?"

.... I seeing red flags, crimson even!!
Oh god, this is gonna be like Vlad again

Davos said:
"Go on, draw first. You'll need it." Billy says, his hand at his side as his grin falls.

The silence drags on for a long moment until a tumbleweed passes by.

Huh, like a cowboy film

Davos said:
Grady raises his arms in a dramatic pose.

"Silent horror-!" His head jerks back as a shot rings out, a hole now in his head. Grady looks right at Billy, stunning the outlaw a moment with the widest of smiles.

"…Picture show!"

Shit, he used it

Davos said:
The screens at the theme park flicker, a myriad of clips from black and white movies appear one after the other, picking up speed.

This makes me think of Edison NP

Davos said:
Billy shoots again, landing two shots in Grady's chest.

Boothill also fires a shot, hitting Grady in the eye and the neck, but the wounds instantly close, leaving only bloodstains upon his clothes as proof of his injuries.

"Fools…I am the protagonist of this film, and the leading hero cannot die in the opening act!"

Oh, so following movie rules

Davos said:
"The fork kind of hero are-" Boothill vanishes before finishing his sentence.

"Master?! What did you do with-" Billy vanishes before finishing his question.

"Behold, the greatest filmmaker of Penacony's sordid history, the Caster Servant, The Great Grady!"

Huh, I'm starting to like him

Davos said:
"…At least they gave us a week to get our stuff together…" Megumin muses sadly.

Something is something

Davos said:
"…This sucks…this isn't fair…I need a drink, but I can't…How do people live like this?" Aqua mutters.

You are sounding like my father, HA, like he ever would quit drinking

Davos said:
"…Should I sleep on hay or the hard floor?" Darkness wonders out loud while cupping her face.

At least someone is enjoying herself

Davos said:
Rin meanwhile is spreading newspaper, other papers and setting up oil lamps precariously around the ground floor.

Wait a moment

Davos said:
"…What are you doing? Are you trying to start a fire?" Megumin asks.

"Yes." Rin says before making a flame appear at her finger tip while pouring oil on the rug. Darkness and Aqua grab her.

This was the plan!?

Davos said:
"Are you insane?!"

She might be

Davos said:
"Those dream hussies aren't getting a manor! I'll even leave this Godless city so they don't get a damn cent out of me!"

You can't just destroy a manor everytime you have a problem!

Davos said:
"And where will we go?!" Megumin shouts dragging the oil soaked rug away.

"There has to be another city we can go to!"

I mean, it's a big country

Davos said:
"Arcanletia!" Aqua says.

"Yes!" Darkness says with a smile.

"No!" Megumin and Rin shout at the same time, making them all look at Rin.

No!

Davos said:
"Kazuma told me about it…terrible place."

"It is not!" Aqua shouts.

It is

Davos said:
"It is the only logical course of action, as well making right our prior wrongs." Darkness says.

Rin looks at her so very flatly.

"…You just want live in debt to succubi and sleep in a stable don't you?"

Yep, she wants that with all her might

Davos said:
Darkness arches her back a moment before righting herself.

"…If we burn this place down and flee, how will Kazuma find us if he returns?" Darkness asks.

So using logic to get what you want, at least this is going to the right direction

Davos said:
Rin opens her mouth to argue but remains silent.

"…God damn it…" She mutters before helping clean up the papers and oil lamps before going to pack her bag.

Yeah, can't argue with that

Davos said:
'This isn't how my life in a new world was supposed to go…'

Funny thing, this is how Kazuma felt

Davos said:
Aqua stabs the meat on her plate, extracting and inserting the knife with red cheeks and a blank stare.

Illya also does the motion with her own food.

They look up at the other.

The irish victims are socializing

Davos said:
"…How was Cu?" Aqua asks.

"…Unrelenting, but oddly…nice. Fergus?" Illya asks back while playing with a bit of hair.

"Ferocious…I think I lost consciousness at one point…"

Yeah, that's part of the course with doing it with a celt

Davos said:
"Same…though Sella woke me up."

"Sounds better than what Fergus did to wake me…"

"What did he do?"

"Same thing that made me lose consciousness…"

So drowning you in unrelenting bliss?

Davos said:
"…Can you two please not talk about this?" Rin asks while sitting down.

"…Jealous?" Illya asks with a smirk, making Rin's eye twitch.

I mean, she also does it regularly

Davos said:
"I'm sure I could convince Cu to take you camping for a long weekend." Rin says before paling at seeing the drool trail down Illya's open mouth before she rights herself.

Wow, she is really into it

Davos said:
"Oh God…you are depraved."

"I am not! I'm a victim!"

"Victims don't ask for thirds." Cu says while passing by, making Illya glower.

I mean, he has a point

Davos said:
"Wow…I almost feel bad for what's about to happen~." Rin says with a grin.

"What are you-" Illya starts to ask before Leysritt places a plate near Illya.

She did something naughty~

Davos said:
"Leysritt, I already have- Illya croaks upon seeing what is on the plate.

A sausage.

Three pancakes.

Each with a hole stabbed through them.

One of the pancakes has a noodle tied around it in a familiar looking fetish knot.

Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha

Davos said:
"It was specially requested by Miss Rin…does this mean something mistress?" Leysritt asks with a neutral face before cracking a grin.

She knows, she was just into the prank too XD

Davos said:
Rin has a hand over her mouth as she leans over the table, barely keeping herself from laughing as tears run down her cheeks. Illya stands up, takes a bite out of the meat on her other dish, and summons a dozen threaded birds.

Rin makes her limbs grow, closes the distance, and readies a gandr shot at Illya's face.

I think you meant glow
Also FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Davos said:
Kazuma appears out of nowhere and places a hand on both women's necks.

"Drain touch."

And we have the king of de-escalation in his home turf, look how he take care of the troublesome females

Davos said:
Kazuma hefts Rin up on his shoulder.

"Hey Fergus, can you keep an eye on Illya?"

Normally wouldn't be a good idea, but this Fergus is celibate now, still getting used to it

Davos said:
A moment later Fergus enters the room, eyes wide open as he glares at Kazuma.

"How many temptations must I face in this house of sin?"

"Not that kind of watch! Just until she can walk again!"

"Oh…My apologies." Fergus says with closed eyes as Kazuma takes a fidgeting Rin upstairs.

He is just dealing with too much at the moment

Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

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alextheconqueror

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