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Gaming Stories, Video and Tabletop

Discussion in 'General' started by CptTagon, Sep 11, 2017.

  1. Mad Oracle

    Mad Oracle An Oracle Without A Cause

    Oct 21, 2018
    Likes Received:
    To set the scene, I was playing a Chaotic Neutral Bard who had a fetish for stabbing things, my friend was playing a Half Elf Ranger, there was an Orc Cleric, and finally we had a Dwarven Sorcerer on our side.

    We were just captured by the BBEG, and there was a young guard watching the cell. Now for most of the campaign, Percy (my bard) was pretty much killing and seducing his way through the corrupt nobility who were planning to overthrow the king and establish a theocracy dedicated to a War God. There was only one guard at our cell, and instead of strangling him through the bars I decided to talk to him.

    He was actually kind of nice, a young half elf from the slums named Marcien. Marcien had accidentally knocked up his childhood friend and now was forced into working for her parents in order to pay for a dowry, only to end up tangled in this mess. The worst part was when he couldn't see his fiancé, only receive letters from her that had been read by her parents.

    Percy asks him why does he work for them, Marcien could earn a lot more by working with Percy's team.

    The Half Elf is listening, and after some rolls in charisma he lets us go and gives us our stuff. After grabbing my lute and sickle, I hear that the Dwarven Sorcerer is saying we should kill him for no witnesses.

    Me (IC) : I wouldn't do that if I were you.
    DS (IC) : And why not?
    Me (IC): Because if you do, I shall rend the skin from your flesh and leave you in such agony that the Gods above would cry out!

    The party quickly agreed not to kill the Half Elf, and Marcien gave us a map of the castle we were in. Turns out it was the family estate, and his fiancé's room was close to the exit. I was feeling charitable at the time, and since Marcien had warmed up to me I gave him the map and all of my money. I then gave him a speech before leading the party to the war god's cultists, ready to defend Marcien's world.

    Marcien, if there is one thing I know it is the cruelty of life. How it takes, and takes, leaving nothing for any to have. I was once like you, a man with a wife and child on the way. That was taken from me years ago, and now only the shattered remnants live on. What I want for you Marcien, is for you to go out into the world with your lover beside you. I want you to hold her close, to treat her like she is your shining light and sacred darkness.

    Do not fall into the same pit of madness I have found myself in, for the only direction you can go is down.

    Instead, you will live the life I never had. You will do so much more, learn more than I could ever hope to know. Now, go out there and live your life. I'll be here, giving the final song in my story.

    But yours...Your story has only truly begun.

    Anyways, we finally make it to the BBEG and find out that they just sacrificed themselves to summon the War God's avatar. Our Ranger is missing his legs, our Cleric is busy healing him so he has a chance to survive, and our Dwarven Sorcerer is using every spell he can on the War God. Then, there's Percy the Mad Jester/Bard. He's bleeding out, right arm broken and his left eye's missing.

    The War God start's to gloat about how we're pathetic for even showing up, and I've gotten a bright idea after checking my inventory. I've got a flask full of flammable liquid, a torch, and I can engage the War God in close combat.

    Me (OOC) : I throw the flask's contents into his face.
    GM: Really? Are you sure-
    Me: Yes.
    GM: Alright, roll for it.

    I roll a twenty, which blinded the War God and I was still standing.

    After blinding him, I strike him with my torch and tackle him. With both him and Percy on fire, the Mad Jester begins to go hog wild on the War God's face with a Sickle. It takes a turn for the worse, as the floor beneath us gives out and we're now on fire and approaching the floor below us. Since Percy was going to die in the fall, I decided to do something both incredibly stupid yet awesome.

    With some maneuvering and lucky rolls, Percy is now riding the War God's back and planning to drive the War God's head through the floor. When we impact the ground, we actually broke through it another time. Problem was, Percy was near dead at one point, with only enough time to say his final words and one more action. Surprisingly, the War God was still alive, if just as close to death as Percy was.

    "A worthy try, but a futile one nonetheless." With only one more trick up my sleeve, I pull out something I'd been saving since I found it. My final words were simple, short, and to the point.

    "It seems...My final act is finally reaching its end."

    Percy pulled out a scroll, which our GM had scattered through the campaign. Due to house rules, they were able to be used by anyone. But were more effective in the hands of those more attuned with magic, and I had one that could potentially end the War God right then and there.

    I forget the name of it, but it collapsed the summoning chamber's ceiling on top of both Percy and the War God. Thus the tale of Percy the Mad Jester had been ended, and his allies left the castle licking their wounds.
  2. CptTagon

    CptTagon Connoisseur.

    Jul 26, 2014
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    Me: Where the fuck is Victor Lowe [the villain of the campaign]?
    Varzy: He’s over there. Prone. Defenseless. Beaten.
    Varzy: Remember, this is the man who caused all this chaos. He killed innocent people. He hurt your girlfriend and ruined her life.
    Me: Trust me, it’s been in my mind.
    Me: I’m gonna stab this motherfucker with my new magic rapier, “Mockingbird”. If I attack with a one-liner, I get to also cast Vicious Mockery for free.
    Varzy: What’s your one-liner? Your killing blow?
    Me: “It seems that at long last………..you’ve been brought Lowe!”
    Varzy: Roll for it!
    Me: [fucks up the roll] Hmm.
    Aaron: Hmm.
    Beed: Hmmmm.
    Duch: Hmmmmm.
    Nico: Hmmmmmmmm.
    Rizz: Hmmmmmmmmmm.
    Me: Okay but I can still cast Vicious Mockery
    Varzy: He, ah, he resists it.
    Varzy: Roll deception.
    Me: [nat 20]
    Varzy: You make it seem like you missed on purpose, but last minute changed your mind and spared his life. Victor falls for it, and starts crying, and says, “Okay! Okay! I surrender!
    Me: Yeah!!! I meant to do that!!!!!
    Me: I’m definitely not going to kill you because, you surrendered, and I’d be killing you in cold blood, and I’m not sure I can do that with my alignment!!!!!
    Me: Fuck! FUCK!
  3. Lucky-38

    Lucky-38 On the house.

    Jan 24, 2015
    Likes Received:
    I've got a fun one. I'm starting a D&D campaign within my family. My brothers are playing, and so are my parents, but so far only my older brother and my mom have made a character (and my Dad said he wanted to be a Barbarian but we didn't get to him today.)

    So, we've got my dad as a Barbarian.
    My older brother is an elven rogue named Prometheus who's going to specialize in assassination.
    My little brother hasn't made a character yet, but he's got a murderhobo personality.

    I just about assumed any semblance of wider diplomatic plot would need to get flung out of the window, when my mom made her character.

    Now, my mom is a wonderful woman. She's sweet, kind, almost never gets angry, and once went 20 years without saying a swear word.

    Her character is Korinn, the 300 pound 6'8 Dragonborn Paladin. Reason given?

    "I've kept ya'll from misbehaving for your whole lives, and I'm not gonna be stopping now."
    Teln, shadowdice, aquinas and 7 others like this.
  4. shadowdice

    shadowdice Experienced.

    Sep 17, 2017
    Likes Received:
    So this post is due to one in the exalted discussion thread about how mortals trained/used by Exalts are considered extensions of them.

    For context of this scenario here is some background.

    This was the first DnD game of a bunch of my friends with only myself, the DM, and I think one other person having played it before. We had another member who played with us originally but dropped out.

    DM: Okay, so we are all going to roll several d6s on our stats and choose the classes.

    Friend 1 (Henceforth Known as Pirate): *All his stats end up as 19s or 20s after using Half-Elf racial bonuses* Well I'm starting out as a fighter, but I will take some levels in rogue later. The background I chose was Pirate. *Is Chaotic Neutral*

    Friend 2 (Henceforth known as sword): I am going to be a rogue *says he is Chaotic Neutral and made a deal with the GM to be a sword that possesses the bodies of others. The amount of stealing, murdering, chopping up the bodies of shopkeepers and their families, and other behavior made the DM list him as Chaotic Evil* *He rolled the worst stats out of all of us* Oh he also took some levels in ranger

    Friend 3 (Henceforth known as Monk): I am going to be a human monk. *Was originally Chaotic Good, but the first combat encounter we had ended in him trying to throw alcohol on a bunch of burning people to make them burn faster. Then he also steals, gambles, cheats people out of money, lies to get people killed, spends exorbitant amounts of money to indulge himself, and plots to steal holy relics. So the GM listed him as Chaotic Evil* *20 in wisdom and strength* Another part of his religion was sadomasochism where inflicting and receiving pain were religious rites that they continuously did. Also the character apparently enjoyed it a lot

    Me: I am going to be a Changeling bard, and later take levels in Warlock for Eldritch blast *Have 20 in charisma and Dex*

    For the Warlock my Patron ended up being the Archfey, which in this case ended up being a faceless being from the Shadowfell called Eldar who requires the sacrifices of the faces of others as a ritual rite as part of the pact. In this universe she created the Changelings so she is basically the god of them in a manner similar to how Lolth is the Drow's weird abusive mother.

    For a very large section of the campaign we ended up more or less trapped on an island that has underwent a ridiculous amount of weird bullshit.

    1. Used to be the base of a psychopathic cult of evil paladins that worship a god that loves torture and drugs. Their normal activities include capturing their enemies and beating them until they join them and then continue doing that and other stuff to brainwash them and "purge weakness" while constantly high on drugs. This cult basically imploded and their grandmaster became a ghost that wanders the halls of their castle killing everyone who goes there.

    -Oh, and their god is a Lovecraftian abomination so the castle also has a coven of hags who can summon aberrations and other stuff.

    -Also many evil underwater species have joined up with them to eat the populace like cattle.

    2. Several decades ago a weird plague infected many towns that turns your insides into fungus and turns you into an insane cannibal monster to consume the flesh of others in an attempt to replace the fungus that your insides have turned into.

    3. The hags have been growing a pink slime on the island that mind controls you and mixes with the previously mentioned fungus that makes it so you instead turn into a slime monster.

    4. There were also a bunch of necromantic zombies from a curse.

    5. All of the various diseases and curses made it so many of the towns went batshit crazy including one where all the people were ritualistically cutting off their limbs and organs and replacing them with metal. This made it so they were no longer infected.

    6. A ghost ship which has a bunch of evil fish people, slimes, and slime zombies with tentacle heads has been sailing around the island to keep anyone from leaving.

    So the cyborg village hired us to destroy the ghost ship.

    To facilitate this I used multiple performance and persuasion checks to convince the town to help us and get the local alchemist to help me make a ridiculous amount of Alchemist's Fire flasks so we could get onto the ship and use them to set the entire thing on fire.

    We ended up rowing two boat there with a few helpers and didn't see any of the enemies. After a quick search we found several people who had been kidnapped and held there (they were a few humans and a female kobold blacksmith...the kobold was weird and obnoxious OC that Sword made up....he's kinda become a Scaley but keeps insisting he's not and accusing us of projecting when we point it out)

    Anyways once we freed the prisoners we started setting up the Alchemist Fire's bombs when the crew of lovecraftian pirates showed up. This also included a giant gelatinous cube. We hadn't managed to set all the bombs at key points yet, so we ended up dropping several where they were

    Sword: I'm going to dive at the cube and stab it.

    Me: Please no.

    GM: *Rolls* Well the Cube showers you in acid

    Sword then started yelling at us to save him while everyone else was busy fighting the pirates.

    Me: I'm going to start trying to put a fuse on the bombs so we can set them and run to the boats.

    GM: Okay.

    Me: Setting the fuses.

    After several rounds of combat we managed to get the first wave of pirates KO'd

    GM: Okay so you see the next set. This includes a Sahuagin in a pirate captain's outfit, and several more gelatinous cubes and slime zombies.

    We devolved into arguing about how to get the fuses to start and if anyone needed to stay behind because we might not have enough time to light the fuses and get the boats to go off if we have pirates getting involved. This is on top of the fact that due to the placement of the bombs we weren't sure if it would actually go down unless we took more time.

    Me: Sword you are literally immortal as long as the weapon is intact. You can light them while we go and I can just dive down later to find you. I have a spell to breath underwater.

    Sword: I'm not sacrificing myself.

    Me: Fine, I'll use one of my spells to get one of the helpers to do it.

    Sword: What? No. I won't let you do that.


    Sword: It's wrong.

    Me: ...You are a bodysnatching sword who ruins the lives of others, and butchered and elderly couple because you thought they didn't pay you enough when you offloaded a bunch of junk on them.

    Sword: I'm not letting you sacrifice anyone else.

    Me: Okay, so you are lighting it.

    Sword: ...No?

    At that point the GM told us that the kobold had stolen one of the boats and was currently rowing away from us. Also with the amount of people we had found here it was unlikely we could manage to all squeeze into the other rowboat and escape.

    Me: Fuck it I am lighting the fuse and jumping off the deck.

    Pirate: That bitch just stole the boat.

    Me: Can I aim and shoot it?

    Pirate and I then failed our attack checks, set the fuse and got onto the other rowboat.

    Despite having like ten people we managed to just barely squeeze into the boat, piling on top of each other and the like and having to make checks to get out before the other ship started burning. The Sahuagin managed to escape, swimming underwater while the rest of the crew eventually sank with the ship.

    Monk: Huh, if I spend a Ki could I jump across from the other boat?

    GM: *Checks distance* Yes.

    Monk: I'm going to do that and use flurry of blows. *Crits acrobatics check the GM had him make due to jumping from boat to boat on unsteady water. And then crits on his hit*

    GM: Your fists all hit her in the head, cracking her skull and sending blood everywhere as she falls off the side of the boat and starts to sink.

    Monk: I'm going to row back over to the rest of you.

    Sword: No! Retcon that.

    GM: No.

    Sword: I'm going to dive in and save her.

    I started checking things about how fast the body would be sinking versus his swimming speed. But the end result was that Sword could not swim fast enough to reach the kobold. And started asking if he could stab her with the sword and possess her.

    GM: I don't think you could reach.

    Sword: I throw it.

    Me: You are throwing a sword...underwater...downwards.

    The GM just let him do that, and he did succeed on the check to possess the kobold.

    But the kobold was drowning, bleeding out, unconscious, and sinking. So Sword was unconscious, as was his body from earlier

    Pirate: Well sword is dead.

    Me: NO!

    Sword: Wait, I can survive this right?

    Me: His body has a bunch of magic items and gold!

    Everyone else was silent for a bit as we realized that Sword still had a bunch of magic rings and potions on him.

    Monk: I dive in to save Sword.

    Sword: That includes the Sword right, because that's me.

    Monk: Yes.

    Sword: And the kobold.

    Monk: I am carrying an unconscious body and a sword, so I don't think I can carry two people up.

    Later on the kobold was somehow retconned into being alive. Which made me think magic and weird necromancy was involved since we already had seen a lot of that.

    Also she turned out to be some kind of ghost so that the GM could have us go through a weird quest line that Sword had insisted on involving his backstory.

    We later fought the ghost paladin and learned about what the slime was doing, turning people into monsters in the service of a weird Outer God cult. I am being serious as the hags all had levels in the Warlock class with the Old One patron. So I did the thing any religious zealot would do.

    I used my pre-established clout with the village along with a lot of religion, performance, and persuasion rolls to make it so the entire town, including the mayor fell into a religious fervor that caused them to start making even more alchemists fire and work to exterminate all of the infected villages. All of this was done after giving them instructions in how to avoid being mind controlled by the slime into trying to eat it. *If you stabbed someone infected by the pink slime it would ooze out and you needed to make a will save not to immediately try eating it. To avoid this you needed to use ranged or reach weapons*

    And so our party watched as a mob of people with pitchforks, spears, club, quarterstaves, slings, and the like walked up to the other village. Immediately club the first person to try to talk to them in the head, and start pillaging it. Breaking into homes to drag infected people out of their homes, clubbing them unconscious or tying them up if the mob didn't just set the houses on fire while locking them inside so they couldn't escape. Built up a giant pyre in the middle of the town, threw the people on it, and then set that on fire while making sure to destroy the entire village.

    Pirate: Well that's fucked up. I'm just going to sail away now.

    Me: I'll also sacrifice the faces of some of the hags along with holy items of theirs that we had found.

    GM: Well you level up. Which of the boons were you going to ask for again.

    Me: I'm going with the Pact of the Tome.

    GM: Well as the village, faces, and cauldron all burn you hear your God's voice in your head, saying that she is pleased. At that moment a black book written in Sylvan appears in your hands.

    So yeah. That is how our group of technically Not-Pirates managed to turn an entire village into religious zealots who went around the island killing and burning people and monsters.

    The sad thing is that from what I hear about other parties people who don't go out saying that their characters are evil tend to do some similar things.

    Also at this point we were essentially an evil bodysnatching sword, perpetually drunken fight loving pirate, drunk sleazy cenobite who doesn't ever reveal the name of his god but will worship any god if it gets him ahead, and an evil shapeshifting preacher of a dark god.

    Oh yeah. We also had a black book of evil that could summon up demons, devils, fey, and other either neutral or evil outsiders that requires the blood sacrifice of another sapient being and the use of a diamond to get it do to the summoning. The monk was really interested in getting it to function. At the time none of us knew the language it was written in though.

    We sounded like the start of some team of ridiculous final boss bad guys you'd find in a fantasy story.
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019
  5. mrttao

    mrttao Connoisseur.

    Jan 10, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Thanks for the story. Also wow Sword sounds obnoxious "its only ok when I am the one murdering people"
    You added a stat called sex (which is not part of charisma?)? oh wait, did you mean dex? this is a hilarious typo for a bard
    giodan likes this.
  6. shadowdice

    shadowdice Experienced.

    Sep 17, 2017
    Likes Received:
    For autocorrect keeps turning dex into sex for some reason.
    mrttao likes this.
  7. G.A. Kyoki

    G.A. Kyoki Randys irresponsible handler

    Nov 6, 2016
    Likes Received:
    I remember this one time my (re-)introduction into a campaign resulted in my character losing his leg practically instantly and almost dying as a result. It was an Only War campaign set in Space 'nam and my previous character died after stepping on a landmine I failed to notice while trying to flank the enemy.

    I was quickly brought back in after writing up a new character and was promptly thrown back into the exact same firefight that I died in via Valkyrie as a member of another squad assigned as reinforcements...problem is, the Valkyrie was shot down by a hidden enemy with an RPG. The GM then cut the scene back to the original squad who got to see a Valkyrie smash nose-first into the ground and make a nice long trench. The medic got told to run over and see if anyone was okay and to heal anyone who wasn't.

    Once he arrived he would find the Valkyrie in such a state that the Tech Priests back at base would weep if they saw it and that basically everyone inside was dead...except me, who had a piece of metal jammed into my knee which ensured I would never be using my ye olde Mk I leg ever again. Medic tries to take out the piece of metal and tries to convince me I'll be fine and my leg'll work once we're back at base. This is when I reveal my character is a Mute and I have to try and convey the message of 'Just cut off my fucking leg, Emperor damn it, holy shit this hurts, oh my god!.' Medic disagrees and says I'll bleed out and die if he cuts it off and I then just point at his Laspistol and back at my leg. Lucky for me he gets the message and after a few painful moments and him listening to my character demonstrating that, yes, Mutes can indeed scream (just not very well or loudly) I end up with a brand new cauterised stump for a leg and have to be carried to the rest of the squad.

    During this time the squad is able to advance but they forget that I'm there so, in my infinite (32) wisdom (intelligence), I decide to crawl after the bastards. Unfortunately for me a local villager (Should have mentioned we were defending a local village to begin with) who apparently sympathised with the Traitor-VC decided to run up to me and start hacking away at what few limbs I have left with a machete. Unfortunately for me due to Only War melee combat rules, if you're prone you get penalties to dodging and parrying so I was basically relying on my Flak armour (which is a bit better than primitive armour) and my abysmal toughness bonus (A grand +2) to keep me alive since I couldn't call for help due to my distinct lack of a voice.

    Luckily the GM took some measure of pity on me and had my "new" Squadmates roll awareness and the leader of the squad managed to pass, resulting in two of my squad coming to rescue me from Farmer Jim.

    Once we got out after dealing with the Traitors I was hauled off to the medicae tent and my squadmates managed to requisition me a normal-craftmanship Bionic leg which gave me a +2 toughness bonus to my left leg. My Mute then went on to become the Squads sniper after I got myself a Longlas, became the Commissars informant, taught two squadmates how to speak Sign Gothic (My made up term for Sign Langauge in 40k), got into a fight with a member of the Veteran Squad because the Medic pissed him off, threw a knife in said Veterans face, went to the Veteran Squad the day after to get my knife back from the Veterans face and eventually became the best shot in the regiment after upgrading my Ballistic Skill enough.

    It was a great time. Still waiting on the GM starting the third season of the game.