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My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Alexander, Aug 13, 2017.

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  1. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    Are the waifus more appealing now?
    [​IMG]


    :D
     
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  2. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    Yoshi's character picture is flatter then this joke.

    Yeah but, counter point, this is the SFW section of QQ, this place is slow yo. I mean we have a SB port but still, it's not like thta changes the point. I mean the only way there'd be a NSFW version of this story is if a third party did it, and even then, why would you want to make a NSFW version of this story when you can play the game and H the girls yourself.

    <= Catboy who doesn't actually know the quality of Eiyuu's Senki's H-Scenes.
     
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  3. Malorius

    Malorius I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    I just don't want to distract myself from reading the story to hunt for images every time a new character appears, simple as that. It's frustrating.

    It could be fixed by Alex spending more time for elaborate character descriptions, I guess, but that's most probably not going to happen. And it will still be worse than a single picture!
     
  4. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    You could pull up TvTropes' character article for the game. Sure, there may be enough characters to warrant subpages, but at least all there are pictures of all the characters in one place.
     
  5. TimelordLucario

    TimelordLucario Professional Lurker

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    its also really spoilery, so don’t do that if you don’t already know the plot.
     
  6. Malorius

    Malorius I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Yeah, the same problem with VNDB. And since my knowledge of the original work is almost nonexistent besides briefly glimpsed summary...

    But I know there are waifu-tier characters, tons of them. Ignoring this fact is travesty.
     
  7. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    .....this may be a difference in personal preferences/opinion, but... no, there really aren't. I don't think I've really seen met one in this series that I'd say is definitely waifu-tier.
     
  8. Winged One

    Winged One Not the Simurgh

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    Waifu war. Waifu war never changes.
     
  9. Kakanma

    Kakanma Getting sticky.

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    On the personal level I find 8-11 waifu-tier girls, depending on taste. And best girl stands above all others, has is right and proper.
     
  10. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    So-

    ...Shit I can't find an answer to this without it making it seem like I actually have a waifu in the cast.

    Wait I got it.

    Not-Sanzou.
     
  11. Extras: Character Picture Collection
    Alexander

    Alexander How do you want me to discipline you today?

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    That's easy to satisfy.

    =====

    CHARACTER PICTURE COLLECTION

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    Last edited: Mar 7, 2019
  12. Malorius

    Malorius I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Thanks, that's a nice collection.

    Is inserting them into the text of story out of the question? Or at least, putting pictures for new characters into the future chapters.
     
  13. Alexander

    Alexander How do you want me to discipline you today?

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    That would break the flow, but I promise to update the picture list every time a new character is introduced.
     
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  14. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    Considering i'm the one who actually writes the descriptions... yes.
     
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  15. Threadmarks: Chapter 34: Fortunate Son
    Alexander

    Alexander How do you want me to discipline you today?

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    Chapter 34: Fortunate Son

    ====

    So apparently, the Mongols took over Korea while I wasn’t looking! Or existing, really.

    But hey, after traveling through the korean peninsula for who knows how long (week and a half, it’s kind of boring) we had finally arrived at…

    “Zanadu.”

    “Xanadu.”

    “Sanadu.”

    “Xanadu.”

    “Are we really going through this again?” I asked, turning to Yoshi.

    “It’s only one letter. At least try to remember the names of the countries we’re invading.” She sighed. “We’re going to rule over it after all.”

    Pronouncing words is haaaaard...

    “Confident, aren’t we?” Sun commented. “Fufu, even I see the incoming conflict as a challenge. I have read of the great exploits of Mongolia’s founder, Gengis Khan, and I am eager to see if her descendant have inherited her talents.”

    “I’m not even surprised Gengis Kahn was a girl!” I waved, “Though uh… How long ago was she ar- Wait don’t answer that I think comparing histories is gonna give me a headache.”

    “The history of your world sounds so weird Oni-san...” Himiko commented.

    “Did you know the Nobunaga of my world managed to conquer Kyoto but then immediately had the worst campaign ever after trying to beat down some monks.”

    “Wait! Really?!” Nobu screamed.

    “Ahahaha!” Himiko laughed. “Did the monks curse him?”

    “They might’ve!” I laughed, “So like, if I remember this correctly our guy Nobunaga was like really against the monks for reasons I… don’t remember but I think it had something to do with how they weren’t an enemy state and could basically set up shop anywhere. So like he goes on this campaign trail invasion and it’s just bad. Like, the weather makes the path all muddy, there’s ambushes, think what Sun did to us but not as worse. And then, to make matters even worse, they had to get through an allied territory to get to the location they were at in the first place and then that state decided to turn traitor so the path home was completely surrounded by enemies!”

    Barley remembering the Sengoku Jidai: With Chen Miyafuji.

    “Shit! How come both times I - well, I and and the other me - are about to win we fail because of bad luck?” She bit down on one nail. “That’s ridiculous!”

    “That could’ve just been total karma on his part.” A laugh escaped my lips, “He managed to start his conquest of Kyoto because the ‘rightful ruler’ conveniently showed up practically on his doorstep so he started the campaign to ‘put the rightful heir’ on the throne and than once he did that secretly, or maybe not I don’t remember, became the one actually in charge of Kyoto. Actually that sounds like something you would do so I’m just gonna blame Nobu for that anyways.”

    “No way! If someone like that shows up at my doorstep, in exchange for my help I would ask for the whole country!” She declared. “That would make it totally legit!”

    “Japan was really really fractured at that point.” I shrugged, “They called it the ‘Warring States Period’ for a reason. Like you know how Zipang was split in three? Imagine sixteen of those states, maybe even more. The times were so chaotic that if your average merchant played it smart than he could become the warlord of one of the states and I’m saying that because someone actually did that.”

    I sighed, “Too bad that’s about where my knowledge on the warring states ends… Actually, wait yeah that’s right, Nobunaga also had a relationship with one of his vassals. Ranmaru, does he (Or I’m guessing she) exist here?”

    One of Nobu’s eyebrows twitched violently. “...One of my retainers just gave that name to his recently-born son. What, exactly, do you mean with re-”

    “Ah. We’re arrived.” Sun cut short the conversation by pointing forward. “What a big army.”

    Nobunaga gave me a glare that practically screamed ‘We’ll be having words after this’ to me before we both turned around and- Woah. Yeah, wow, Sun was right.

    With just the grassy plains in between us and them, there was no parts of the army that was hidden from view. Horseback riders seemed to stretch across from one end to the other as azure flags rolled across the sky.

    “Jesus christ.” I swore, “We’re going up against that?”

    “We’re going up against that.” Sun nodded. “Now you see why I insisted to bring reinforcements from Taika and India. Numbers don’t win wars, but they helped.”

    “FOR LORD KUBLAI!!!” We heard once within earshot, all mongolian soldiers shouting as one. “WE WON’T LOSE TO ZIPANG!”

    “Waaa?! Their troops’ morale is through the roof!” Himiko stammered.

    “...What?” I asked, turning to Yoshi. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

    “Are you not gonna yell across the battlefield to insult them?”

    “Look I don’t do that every battle.”

    There was a pause before I looked away, “Just most of them.”

    Just then a lone raider left the file, pausing briefly before trotting forward.

    “AHHH~!” The previous battlecry changed into a shrill chorus. “LORD KUBLAI~!”

    “Ummm…” I shivered, “Am I the only one who finds that a bit… weird?”

    Nobu also shivered. “Don’t you mean creepy?

    It was than that the rider got into view and-

    I stopped thinking for a second.

    “Huuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh-” I let out as I took the woman in. She was a strong, confident blue haired lady with a sword around her back and a red cloak thing on her back. She looked like she could take on the fucking world.

    She also was wearing no top but a bikini and I was getting a whee bit distracted. “L-Lance-”

    “Kay~”

    A dull pain was sent through my skull as the hungry-hungry knight gave me a whack upside the head. I mean I’ve seen Ashoka before but for some reason this was a bit different.

    “Iiiih! Another pervert!” Himiko muttered under her breath. “Even if of a different kind.”

    “Greetings, warriors of Zipang.” Hooo that voice. She had a cool, suave, um, jazzy voice to say the least. She was the definition of smooth, “The Lord of Mongolia, Kublai Khan. I have come to meet you in response to your challenge.”

    “...Oh my god she’s cool.” I blurted out.

    “Why, thank you.” Her smile widened. “You are also a very cute kitten...Ah, forgive me. That kind of talk is unsightly when addressing the leaders of an enemy nation, is it not? Nonetheless, I would like to hear your names.”

    “Uh, I’m Chen Miyafuji.” I began pointing at myself, “This is Himiko… I don’t think I caught her last name. Oda Nobunaga, Abe no Seimei, Yoshitsune… something, Ben I-think-it-started-with-a-M-last-name, Tama, Maragi, Sasaki Koujiro, Lu Bu, Sun Tzu, Qin Shi Hong, Sanzou, Ashoka, Lancelot, and… Can you please call out your name if I missed anyone?”

    Yoshi facepalmed. “I should have stopped you at the beginning. My apologies Lord Kublai, Miyafuji is bad with names.”

    Everyone then proceeded to give out their own names. That was how I learned Himiko’s last name is Yamatai, the same as her country.

    “It is a great honor to meet so many obviously strong people from different places.” Kublai replied. “It’s sad, no? Two rulers destined to fight. Had the timing be different, maybe we would have been allies.”

    “...I’m curious as to what you mean, but if Ashoka has taught me anything it’s that people don’t listen until you punch them in the face.” I sighed, “But hey, that’s life.... By the way, is Marco Polo here? I’m getting the eerie feeling that I should watch out for my back.”

    “Ah, you know her? She told me she was quite the vagrant before coming to Mongolia.” Kublai sighed wistfully. “The kitten worries so much about me...ah, but that’s what makes her so cute.”

    “Wait you didn- Oh! Ohhhh….” I let out as the dots started forming in my head, “In hindsight yeah it’s kind of obvious.”

    “So it is.” She replied, obviously misunderstanding my words. “It seems a shame we must fight...yet, there is something I must achieve.”

    She beamed. “I swear on the greatness of my grandmother’s name! I will overcome this trial and demonstrate the character of a true ruler! So long as there are kittens I must protect, my blade will never falter! May the heavens shine on you, people of Zipang.”

    With that she rode off, rejoining her army.

    “She almost had it. So close.” I turned to face the rest of the army, “Are we going with the usual plan?”

    “My Lord, if I can be honest Lady Kublai doesn’t seem aware of Polo’s...quirks.” Tama added. “With your permission, I will scout out for her. I swear I will allow no assassin to approach you.”

    “I see, then I shall be entrusting you to protect my back Tama.” I smiled before shaking my head, “Oh god sorry her coolness is starting to rub off on me.”

    “Indeed, there is a lot you would be able to learn from her.” Nobu remarked.

    “There is a time for learning, and there is a time for judging wickedness.” Sanzou tapped her staff on the ground. “Goku, Hakkai, Gojyo: let’s go. We shall test the Mongols’ integrity.”

    “I would like to accompany you, Master Sanzou.” Ashoka requested.

    “Certainly, Queen Ashoka.”

    “Uh that leaves… Lancelot and Yoshitsune- I meant Yoshi sorry. Anyways, Lancelot, Yoshi, and I to go fight Kublai and… Maragi’s good on the ground, BenBen as wel… Yeah I think everyone knows their roles?”

    “What are you saying Hakkai?” Sanzou grabbed my sleeve. “You are coming with us.”

    “I can not into words!” I exclaimed, “Never mind than uh Himiko? Do whatever it is you do in the back lines.”

    “Healing.” She helpfully informed me.

    ====

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I DIDN’T BRING A SHIELD!

    I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO USE A SHIELD!

    WHY DIDN’T I DO THAT!?

    AH! OH GOD MORE ARROWS! SLICE! SLICE THEM ALL KUSANAGI!

    ====

    “I knew,” I began, addressing the exhausted army. “That this battle would go terribly. I was wrong, it went straight to hell.”

    “Hey, we won.” Nobu snapped the shaft of an arrow stuck in her armor. “Even if we got stabbed way more than I would have liked.”

    “I wouldn’t exactly call this a victory, since Kublai’s army retreated before they could suffer significant casualties.” Sun wrote something on a scroll. “This fits with the records about Mongol tactics: we can expect surprise attacks in the future, and next to nothing to scavenge in our path forward.”

    “So it’s Taika all over again.” I groaned, “Yay.”

    “Oh, I doubt the Mongols have someone as creative as me.” She replied. “Nonetheless, the Xanadu plains are under our control. For now. Let’s rest for a bit, and then we can march to Ulan Bator.”

    “Commander! I am back!” Tama announced, coming into view...with her backpack stabbed by numerous knives.

    “...Wow.” I blinked, “That… must’ve been close.”

    She nodded. “Based on your description I intercepted Marco Polo and prevented her from approaching you. She didn’t appreciate it.” she put down the backpack and began to put out the knives. “Good thing during battle I replace the maps with wood boards.”

    “You know, I actually kinda wish I got to see that fight.” A beat, “Wait it was mostly just you running from her wasn’t it?”

    “You haven’t seen how many knives she has, have you?”

    “Good job, good job.” Sun kept writing. “Ah, make also sure to double the soldiers on surveillance: I expect another attack before reaching Ulan Bator.”

    ====

    A few days later, while stopping to rest for the night Himiko barged into my tent. “T-there’s trouble! Oni-san, we’ve got a problem! Benkei...Benkei...!”

    “Huh- Wah- HIMIKO! What happened to BenBen?!” I yelled, running up to the girl and shaking her shoulders after flopping up off the ground.

    “Benkei found a hot spring in the ground!” She beamed.

    “...Okay.” I nodded, taking a step back. “And this is a problem… how?”

    “We must book it now, or the list is going to become horrendously long!” She explained. “You see, Benkei was just messing around and smashing rocks for fun, and then next thing I knew a hot spring burst through the ground! Anyway, come quick!”

    “Hey! Wait! Stop tugging my arms!” I exclaimed, “You realize I can’t go in with you right?!”

    “Eeek!” She blushed and let go of my arm. “S-stupid Oni-san, who would do something like that...Well, if you were a lot younger I guess it would be okay...it’s the duty of a big sister to take care of her little brother…”

    “Oi, Himiko.” I snapped my fingers in her face, “Don’t go there.”

    “Uwah?! S-somehow, I got a glimpse of something really strange, but also really good…”

    “Geez,” I sighed, before giving a grin. “I never knew you were this much of a pervert Himiko.”

    “Who, me?!” She took a step back. “I’ll have you know I am a proper and well-behaved princess of Yamatai! It’s Nobunaga the pervert! Ashoka too!”

    “Right sure…” I replied, turning my head to look past the girl and outside the tent, “And would you say the same if I told you they were right behind you? And Nobu looks pretty mad as well.”

    Himiko bolted faster than me on a good day, moving deeper into the tent and under the blankets before disappearing from sight.

    Hm hm~

    Now, to reserve that spot in the hot springs...

    I strolled out of the tent trying desperately to contain my laughter.

    ===

    You know I’m not sure when they set up a “Private Passage” for me for this hot springs but hey, I’m not complaining!

    Actually I don’t really care about this hot spring, I’m just doing it because it seemed to be important to Himiko and her being late to the reservation is funny.

    ...Hey she named it Himiko Springs!

    Aw damn, pretty tall plant life here. Well, fuck it! Never stopped me before!

    Dunno why I’m in a good mood but adventure ho!

    “Those boiled eggs are so tasty~” I suddenly hear a voice coming from ahead.

    “They really make a good snack while you’re drinkin’.” Another voice said.

    ...And suddenly like that my good mood is gone only to be replaced with my shit storm sensors going off the charts.

    So clearly this is the best possible reaction, “Hey! Is that you Nobu?! Or Sei!? I can’t tell! Anyways Tama just tried to set me up I think so if you can punch her next time you see her that’d be great! I’ll be going now!”

    Cries of shock and surprise erupted from ahead.

    “Yeah sorry!” I shouted while running, “Don’t worry, the wild life's too big to see anything anyways! Who the hell set me up like this I’m gonna kick their ass so hard…”

    I already got trauma for this kind of thing once I don’t need it again!

    ====

    Notes:

    Alex: You know, I can’t decide if a true QQ denizer would do like you, or decide they are good enough to peek without being discovered.

    Chen: Hey there’s a SB port as well, remember! And I actually do have some… unpleasant memories regarding this kind of situation okay?! I’m still not fully over it!

    Alex: You walked in on a family member?

    Chen: No- Well yes but that’s besides the point! Ack, look the long story short of it is that when I was younger some mean older girl forced me to walk into the girls bathroom while two girls were changing and they freaked out. Ever since then I’ve always been paranoid when I walk into the bathroom and have to double check too make sure it’s actually the boys bathroom.
     
  16. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    Poor Chen...
     
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  17. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    I have sufficient evidence to prove that The hotsprings wasn't my fault!
     
  18. Endless Sorcerer

    Endless Sorcerer I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    When has that ever saved a harem protagonist?
     
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  19. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    Well I mean I never saw anything, and- Wait hey! Chen's not a Harem Protaganist! If I had to take a guess maybe Shi is inclined that way, maybe, but not even Himiko could stay in love with Chen!

    Fricken Himiko!

    ...Arthur doesn't count.
     
  20. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    The Love Freaks never do, huh.
     
  21. Threadmarks: Chapter 35: Life in the Fast Line
    Alexander

    Alexander How do you want me to discipline you today?

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    Chapter 35: Life in the Fast Line

    ====

    “Uwaaahh... The Commander is mean...” Tama cried.

    “Alright.” I began, looking at my clipboard. “So we can check off Himiko’s tickle torture off the list... Sei I think your up.”

    So the other girls were naturally and understandably pissed at Tama when they found out about what she had done. While I was angry, I also found it much more hilarious to be the one sending in every single pissed off girl at her. Each victim had about an hour of time to punish the poor criminal however they liked. They could stop before the hour was up but that would mean the next person got extra time.

    So far I think it was working.

    Currently the bespectacled woman was sitting seiza, a very tall pile of books about the virtues of modesty and good work ethics on her lap and head courtesy of Yoshi. “Uwaaahh...”

    “Uhm, it’s not that I would have particularly minded either outcome.” Sei smiled mischievously. “But my shop is in need of some organizing. May as well get an assistant for it.”

    “Hold it bucko.” I began. “You get one hour like everyone else. If not I would’ve replaced her desk with a cardboard cutout or something.”

    “UWAH!!!!”

    I kicked the door.

    “Anyways since the only other person on the list is...” I glanced down. “BenBen. Huh. Yeah nobody’s contacted me asking to take her spot and I doubt she’s coming. Two hours, two hours... Well I can’t say that’s enough time to make her organize the shop but it should be enough time for uh, contract renegotiations.”

    “Oh, that’s good!”

    “We’re back!” The other door opened, Lancelot and Maragi walking inside. “Chen, Chen. I found an amazing stand of Mongolian food manned by a goddess: I ate until I was 80% full - uhm, should be 78% now - and even got a huge discount. Next time let’s go together.”

    It’s Marco Polo isn’t it.

    “That woman was Marco Polo.” Maragi sighed.

    “Called it.” I waved. “Five bucks says that almost everything we encounter will be traced back to Marco Polo. Hell, an extra ten bucks says that she’s part of the bathhouse as well.”

    “I recognized her the moment I happened upon Lancelot-dono after she finished paying. I don’t think she poisoned the food - if she did, then Lancelot-dono’s stomach has certainly been tempered to a level close to Hinokagatsuchi’s flames.”

    “No idea what that is.” Hm, thinking about it. “It probably wasn’t poisoned because that’s simply just not her style. Remember, she’s the killer who writes the name of the target’s organ on her weapons. If she was aiming to kill me that way she’d probably stick a needle in one of the food and give it to me. Though, that does confirm something.”

    “Hinokagatsuchi is the patron deity of blacksmiths and ceramic workers.” Maragi informed me. “And what does it confirm?”

    “Well, obviously that she’s probably got an information network of some kind.” I held two fingers up. “Both of the times she’s encountered off the battlefield, she’s been manning stalls specifically tailor’d to one of the Zipang’s heroes liking. On the first time, it was rare premium items used to attract Himiko over. The second time, it was food used to attract Lancelot. Actually, it was just the two of you who went out right? No, wait. Hm, that can’t be the case since you encountered her after... Still, she was probably hoping that I was with Lancelot when she set up that stall. Hey, Lancelot, did she ask you to stop again some time or did she close up shop?”

    “That’s right, she said I was welcome back anytime. We talked about a lot of things while I ate and she cooked.”

    “Figures.” I flipped over the back of the torture list and began scribbling things down. “Rare items, food, weapons, books... Hey Sei! What’s something Yoshi’d like to buy?”

    “Books.”

    “Double that.” I muttered. “Right Tama, when we’re not at the battlefield I’m gonna need your men to start monitoring the marketplace for... well when you look at this list she’s got just about everything covered huh... yeah just start monitoring the marketplace in case Marco Polo shows up again. Oh and do it secretly, last thing we need is for people to think we’re secret policing them.”

    “UWAAH!” Tama cried again.

    ====

    “-And while tracking down the spy I discovered a hidden camp which may very well be the Mongolian base.” Tama finished, her clothes dirty with sewage water, soot and sticks after going deep in the sewers to literally blow Marco Polo out.

    So apparently, vengeance fuelled Tama was Asskicker Tama.

    I liked to call her Tama the Revenger. It was a stupid name but I didn’t care.

    Also called it twice on Marco’s market plans. Score one for Chen Miyafuji, Ace Detective.

    “So, we’ve discovered the base.” I mumbled. “Did it look like they could move out within less than a day?”

    “No, I exclude it. They would need at least two days, and even then if they start immediately.” She shook her head. “I’m confident they aren’t aware I found them.”

    “Haha. Haha. Hah- Yeah no I can’t do an evil laugh.” I coughed. “Well, what do we need to do before we can go on the assault?”

    “...I would like to take a bath.” Tama switched to a pleading tone.

    I waved and she fled the tent.

    ====

    Thanks to Tama’s finding the next battles against the Mongolian army went smoother than expected, and soon we were closing on the capital, Urgench.

    Of course, other things remained the same.

    “You! You ate my grilled miso again, didn’t you!?” Nobu accused.

    “Well YOU ate my kozu cakes, Nobunaga!” Himiko pointed a finger at the pink-haired woman. “This is my revenge! It’s justified!”

    “You were sleeping! I just ate them so they wouldn’t spoil! And they were on the porch, so they would have collected ants!”

    “Then you should have woken me up! You’re such a fatty Nobunaga! Stingy stingy!”

    “I’m not your bodyguard, you know!”

    “Grrr...” Himiko cutely growled.

    “Grrrr...” Nobu also growled, if less cutely.

    “I’mma feed it all to Lancelot.” I declared. “All of it.”

    “NO!” They shouted at the same time while turning to look at me.

    “Oni-san, there is a reason for this.”

    “You’re just being a glutton...”

    “I don’t want to hear that from you!”

    “Ahhh, that’s enough already.” Nobu sighed. “Tch... I’m all sweaty from running. I’m going to take a bath... See you, glutton.

    “W-Wait! I’m not the gluttonous one!” Himiko shouted at the retreating woman’s back.

    I sighed. “Little do they know I’mma do it anyways!”

    Not.

    ====

    “Last time on The World Conquest.” I began. “The Zipang Heroes have begun closing in on the Mongolian capital. But can they defeat the cool and capable leader Kublai Khan and her deadly assassin Marco Polo? Find out on this exciting episode, the Final Showdown of Ultimate Destiny! Not.”

    “I am not even going to bother asking.” Yoshi’s tone was as flat as a washboard.

    “FOR LORD KUBLAI!” The Mongolian troops on the other side shouted. “FOR MONGOLIA!”

    “Even with most of their country conquered, their morale is still so high... Quite impressive.” Sun nodded. “We should recruit them after this battle, they would be impressive allies.”

    “Honestly I wish I had something to say to rally up my own troops but we never actually got a phrase to boost morale.” I sighed before turning to the soldiers. “I’m willing to take suggestions!”

    “For Lord Miyafuji?” One suggests.

    “All Hail Zipang?” Another adds.

    “LET OUR ENEMIES SHATTER UPON OUR MANLY CHESTS!” A third one shouts while ripping open his shirt, revealing nothing but muscles.

    “...Okaaaaay. You know what? I’ll just try thinking of one real quick... Uh, how about this.” I turned around pointing at the enemy troops. “FUCK THOSE GUYS!”

    There were a few seconds of general silence.

    “Literally?” A female voice asked from the back, the tone oddly hopeful.

    “Wha- No!” I sighed. “You know what, fuck it, just scream at the top of your lungs.”

    “At this rate it’ll never end.” Himiko complained loudly. “Resistance is useless! Kublai should just come out already and surrender!”

    “Honestly should we just charge already?” I tried jumping up to see above the mob of soldiers, of course I’m not that tall to begin with but eh. “Or are we going to have prefight banter or something? Does this count as prefight banter? SHIT WHERE’S MARCO POLO?!”

    Just then a lone rider left the Mongolian lines, the shrill chorus of admiration hinting at her identity.

    “We meet again face to face, warriors of Zipang.” Kublai greeted once she’s close enough, face still smiling coolly. “For having reached so far, I suppose congratulations are in order. Yours is truly a force that shakes the skies.”

    “More like shakes the sewers...” I mumbled, “Anyways yeah hi, here we are. At this battlefield. Nice country by the way, did you know we made a hot spring?”

    “Truly? What wondrous news. I wish I could have experienced them at least once.” She sighed wistfully. “This beautiful country... my grandmother worked hard to build it. Aah, how pitiful it is, that I was unable to protect it. Still, I must make a confession: fighting Zipang, testing myself again and again against such powerful warriors, has been.. .enjoyable.” Her smile is half sad, half satisfied. “I wonder, is this what grandmother felt when she united this land?”

    My shoulders lifted up in a shrug, “I dunno? She was the one doing the uniting and it’s not like there was a solid enemy that she was facing... Maybe. I’m not really up to speed on Mongolian history. Have you considered that this was more like, a test?”

    “Yes, indeed. This is a test to prove if I am worthy of continuing the legacy my grandmother built.” She nodded solemnly. “While my efforts have been pitiful until now, I must see this through the very end. This is... the real test of a ruler. I will protect this land, and all the kittens.”

    Kublai unsheathed her sword and pointed it to the sky, another chorus of admiration coming from her troops at the gesture. “The storm that will swallow Mongolia! The Great Khan, Kublai Khan, shall fly like the Pegasus. Let the memory of this battle endures for two thousand years!”

    And with that she rode back to her troops, which are visibly preparing themselves to charge.

    “Uh, Shit. I gave her a pep talk. I gave the enemy leader a fucking pep talk.” I sighed. “So uh, yeah. Go Zipang. Soar through the sky like... A giant fucking dragon. Yeah. Because honestly what’s scarier than a giant fucking dragon.”

    There were two kinds of people. The kind that can monologue, and the kind that can’t.

    Guess who I am.

    ====

    Okay so, Mongolian fight take... something!

    My thought process was the usual.

    “FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!” I yelled, twirling around to avoid being stabbed into a shish kabob, before slicing back and stabbing one of the enemy foot soldiers. It had basically been nothing but the same three moves on repeat since the battle had begun.

    Move!

    Stab!

    Move!

    Stab!

    Fire!

    Dod- Wait dodg- DODGE!

    “WOAH SHIT!” I yelled, dodging out of the way from flying knives all stabbing the spot I previously occupied.

    “Tch. Even after I carefully calculated the perfect moment you managed to dodge.” Two Zipang soldiers fell down, a knife in their necks, revealing a frowning Marco Polo. “Truly, the instincts of a wild beast.”

    “Actually it’s more akin to divine interfe- OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING IT’S YOU!” I yelled, turning to run away as fast as I could. “TAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

    “Distracted by a body double.” The green-haired girl landed in front of me, having evidently decided ambushes are not going to work. “It’s amazing what you can make your enemies do when they are convinced they have figured you out. Oh, but don’t worry.”

    Setting her parasol down she grabbed the hems of her skirts and slightly lifted them up.

    Dozens of knives of all types and sizes fell around her feet. Many of them coated in what was clearly poison, and all of them with a carving on the blade that begin with ‘Chen Miyafuji’s’.

    “I am not a sadist, I’ll make this quick.”

    “Eep.” I squeaked, backing a way a bit. Um, signal flare? Signal flare! GO GO GO GO- “TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!!!”

    The Army-killer, the giant warrior made of fire, whose technique was made to destroy armies...

    I uh, I don’t think he was meant to be used like this.

    “AH!!!” I screamed as the giant swung his sword down right in front of me, fire bursting to life where it struck. Of course, I didn’t actually expect to hit Marco Polo.

    I turned around again and ran for my fucking life with a giant flaming swordsman following me. “Get out of my way!”

    “Waaaaah!” I heard her screaming from somewhere. “What’s with this cheat skill?! My knives! They’re melting!”

    “Fuck off! Cheats are standard in Isekai!” I yelled behind me as I ran. Actually this was more the result of something way more different than Isekai cheats, bless your soul Yamoto and thank you for the gift, but FUCK HER SHE DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT! “ALSO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    Running through the enemy lines with a fire giant following you turned out to be surprisingly effective at scattering soldiers and destroying morale.

    Still, I had a plan. A very dumb and probably ineffective plan that hopefully will result in me not getting killed.

    Today.

    Until a storm of arrows encased in white energy rained down on Tsumugari no Tachi, blowing holes all over its surface. The technique lost cohesion and collapsed.

    “A magnificent display. Such a passionate fire...” Kublai moved towards me, riding a white stallion with a wild mane. “Truly, you have the heart of a conqueror. May I have the honor of a date? Mh, wait: in this case, it would be more correct to call it a ‘duel’, yes? Let’s have a duel.”

    “Ah yeah, before that can you get off your horse and do one thing for me real quick? Please?” I waved my hand nervously. “It’s really just standing still.”

    “Why, of course.” Without hesitation she dismounted, though the horse gave me the stink eye. “What is it that you need?”

    “Yeah just stay right there...” I mumbled nervously edging closer, sheathing my sword...

    And then I dashed forward and glomped the tall woman into the tightest hug that I could. “Haha! Safe! Yes!”

    Kublai blinked in confusion, while the stallion switched to trying to bore a hole through my head with its glare alone. Fuck off you’re a horse you don’t have rights.

    “Caught yo-Ahhhh~♪! Lord Kublaiii~♪!” Marco’s shout quickly changed into a high-pitched squeal, her eyes gaining a pink hue. Then just as quickly it changed to a tone so frosty the surrounding temperature reached below zero in the blink of an eye. “What are you doing to Lord Kublai.”

    “She’s my lifeline! You won’t kill me if I don’t let go! I think!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, trying to hug the woman even harder.

    “I’ll cut it off, make a fritola out of it and then force you to eat it.”

    “I’ll uh.” I looked between her and the confused woman. “I’ll... Yeah I got nothing. What do you even say to that christ...”

    “I’m not really sure what’s going on, but it doesn’t matter I guess.” Kublai smiled while stroking my head. “If you wanted to get pampered you just had to ask, kitten.”

    “Giiiiii! Being petted by Lord Kublali-!” Marco muttered loudly with a high pitch. “I’m so jealous!”

    “Okay A) This feels nice and maybe worth throwing away my dignity for.” Maybe, it was kinda embarrassing. “B) Basically Marco Polo is being really really mean to me and if I’m close to you she won’t act on it.”

    “Mmh. Marco?”

    “L-Lord Kublai!” The greenette panicked. “I’m just doing my duty as one of your commanders!”

    “And I am grateful for this. You’re a selfish kitten, but I don’t dislike that part of you.” Kublai showed another impossibly cool smile. “Yet I must face the test of King alone. Ruler of Zipang, I can’t bear to see more kittens getting hurt. What I must do is clear to me: a duel, between you and me, to end this war without further bloodshed. The loser, as is proper, shall submit to the winner.”

    “Right! Yeah! Duel!” I exclaimed, letting go of the woman before walking back a few steps. “We gotta, we gotta do that.”

    Marco glared at me with frosty eyes while mouthing the words ‘Cut it off’.

    I tilted my head toward Kublai before waggling my eyebrows, her glare intensifying.

    Haha... man am I going to regret that.

    With a flick of my wrist I unsheathed Kusanagi and stared into it’s reflection. “You hear her partner? The test of a King. Pretty exciting huh?”

    ...Is the blade vibrating in my hands?

    Huh. Okay then.

    I coughed. “Right! Who’s going to start this?”

    “As the challenger, allows me.” Kublai swept her free hand over her bow, white energy forming at its passage, before swinging the weapon to the side.

    With a shockwave of air the bow grew to thrice its previous size, now resembling the spread white wings of some great bird. “Together once more, Rukh.”

    The weapon released a loud keening which resembled the screeching of an eagle.

    I glanced to my own weapon. “Hey why can’t you do anything like tha- Wait don’t sting me now I need that hand!”

    It was still vibrating, but much more... Angrily? Whatever no time to figure it out. “I guess we’ll just stick to what we’ve got! Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade! Any evil on my road, I shall purify with no remorse, even if it leads me straight to Hell! Stand by my side, TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!”

    And once again the man of fire stepped forth. I’m not sure what he was really, a product of the technique, myself, or maybe a mix of both, but that didn’t matter. He was here to fight by my side against whatever Kublai had in store.

    “It’s about time I stopped running away.” I mumbled to myself before sighing. “Alright Kublai! Show me what you got! I’ll take whatever you got head on!”

    She promptly complied. “Rukh Wing!” Pointing the bow to the sky she released a continuous stream of arrows encased in white energy, the projectiles going so fast and packed so tightly they resembled a beam.

    Which at one point made a U-turn before speeding towards me, spreading in four directions to resemble a cross.

    I’ll admit it, I was scared. Scared out of my fucking wits, even after so many battles.

    But god dammit she wanted a test of a King so I’m going to give it to her or die trying.

    “Don’t let me down now, it’s just a bird.” I smirked to Kusanagi before holding the sword back as the light came forward, Tsumugari no Tachi following my movements. “Here goes, all or nothing! Kusanagi... BLOW!”

    Fire sword and light beam clashed against each other, the force from the impact tearing through air and ripping the ground apart. For a moment that seemed to last an eternity the two forces struggled against each other.

    Then Kusanagi cleaved through the beam, the two halves continuing in different directions and blowing up the area around me.

    Four more arrows pierced through the dust raised by the explosions, curving in midair to converge onto my position.

    “Oh come on.” I cursed, rolling out of the way as TNT attempted to block the arrows with his sword, causing heat to wave throughout the battlefield. “Mmf, gotta get closer...”

    There was a loud sound, like the flapping of giant wings, before Kublai soared through the air. It wasn’t flight, rather a jump-a hundred meters tall.

    With the same cool smile she pulled back the bow string before firing an arrow. A nanosecond later the same motion repeated itself. And again. And again. And again.

    Until there were dozens of arrows streaking through the air, curving like guided missiles to home on me.

    Oh, well shit.

    As fast as I could I swung the Kusanagi, the sound of metal clashing against metal ringing out through the air as I attempted to hit the arrows away from me. Which... Was not my smartest move really as a couple of them slipped through and hit my body, clanking on my armor until eventually they ended up pushing my backwards as I landed on the dirt with a dull thud.

    In the distance Marco squealed loudly.

    Having reached the apex of her jump Kublai began to fall down, the wings of her bow turning it into a smooth glide. Halfway she spun around, light gathering around the tip of the next arrow before she shot it, a small but focused and extremely fast beam. Suddenly, as if all my muscles were on fire, I rolled my body away as the beam pierced the earth where I was a moment ago, creating a deep hole in the ground.

    “I’m alive!” I shouted, pushing myself up off the ground. “Working off as much adrenaline as humanly possible but I’m alive!”

    “Just drop dead and die!” Marco shouted.

    Kublai landed before jumping off again, the wings flapping to push her. She drew the bowstring, preparing another arrow.

    Fucking... This is going to go on forever if I let it! Think think think...

    Idea.

    “Kusanagi...” Um, think of a name for the skill, FUCK WHO NEEDS A NAME! “FIRE!”

    And like that I pushed as much Brave as I could think of into the Kusanagi as the tip glowed, before a hot beam of fire launched straight into the sky and towards the blue haired maiden- Er, warrior.

    Ugh, another new skill. At least I actually made it this time no matter how rough spell work it may be...

    The two beams missed each other by what must be mere millimeters. But evidently Kublai didn’t expect that, because she moved her bow to shield her body. The fire attack resulted into a glancing hit that promptly exploded, sending the blue haired woman careering back to the ground.

    A bit of pride flushed in me before I suppressed it and began running towards the woman, Kusanagi drawn.

    She still had that sword on her so I bet this fight ain’t over yet!

    “I must confess, this is the first time someone managed to hit me back while I don’t hold back.” She was standing without difficulties, her bow scorched but mostly intact. “Clearly this was a consequence of my own hubris and carelessness. Ah, it seems I still have much to learn before I can be a worthy ruler.”

    “Honestly that’s probably the first time I’ve ever really come up with a skill in the middle of battle.” I replied, coming to a halt. “I could probably transition the skill to a spell if I tweaked it a bit, maybe use the Wu Xing system... Ah crap I don’t have time to focus on that. You ready to end this duel?”

    “A mage too? You’re turning more surprising by the minute, Ruler of Zipang.” She stroke her bow in a loving manner, after which it returned to normal. To be fair on her, it’s not like I liked to bring it up often. “Thank you, Rukh. You did well.” She slung her bow on her back and took out her sword. “I must confess I’m not as good with a sword as with a bow, so I’ll probably lose, but tradition demands I stand my ground.”

    She pointed her sword at me. “Here I come, Chen Miyafuji.”

    And then... I can’t really say anything to special or amazing happened. You ever end up really good, Ah, better I should say at something so much that you begin to notice the flaws when someone else does it? Basically that.

    Blow against blow, our baldes swung. I could feel every blow and counter ripple throughout my body as I put all my weight into every blow and moved myself with as much energy as I could.

    She was decent, really. About the same level as a regular soldier... But I was someone who had trained under Yamato Takeru, no matter how arrogant that may make me sound.

    “Huuuuah!” I yelled as I finally managed to parry her sword enough to leave her open. Kublai’s eyes widened and in that split second I decided to finish it, going in close before jamming my fist right into her stomach.

    “Urgh!” She grunted, staggering back and right than I swung my blade before stopping right at her neck.

    If this was a video game there’d probably be some sort of “You won!” type of congratulations.

    But this is reality, so all I got was the silence of the soldiers around me and Marco’s screams of frustration.

    ...I’ll just uh, take that last part as a victory.

    “So.” I began, before sighing. “I win.”

    “Ahh, how pitiful. I was unable to protect the land my grandmother worked to build.” Kublai’s voice was full of passion and genuine regret as she let her sword fall from her fingers. “Grandmother, forgive me... I was not worthy enough to pass the ruler’s trial. My heart is taken by waves of sadness, repentance and regret adrift even now-”

    “Is this going to take a while?” I interrupted. “Because good on you that you can do poetry on the spot but uh, the battle isn’t technically over until you declare it’s over so if you could kind of hurry it up a bit...”

    “Ah! You’re right! I must prevent the kittens from being hurt. Marco.”

    Crying tears of frustration the greenette appeared next to Kublai and handed her a war horn. The sound it produced was loud, resounding all across the battlefield: hearing it all Mongolian soldiers stopped fighting. “We have been completely defeated!“ Kublai shouted afterwards. “The vanquished must serve the vanquisher. I intend to fulfill my duty.”

    “AHHHH~♪! IF IT’S FOR YOU LORD KUBLAIII~♪!” All soldiers answered in a chorus.

    “Just don’t try anything funny ever again.” Marco threatened me. “If I hear you’ve tried-”

    “Marco Polo.” Kublai interrupted her. “It’s bad manners to wag your tail like that.”

    “S-Sorry.” She immediately turned all flustered.

    “That’s a good kitten.” Kublai smiled. “King of Zipang, we will follow you. Feel free to use us as you see fit.”

    “Ah righ- Wait a minute.” I turned to my line before shouting. “CAN SOMEONE MORE CAPABLE GET OVER HERE?!”

    “Are we done already?” Nobu emerged from behind the files of Mongolian soldiers. “A pity, I have a whole lot of bullets caches left to test. So, what do you need brat?”

    ...I turned back to the Zipang soldiers. “I SAID CAN SOMEONE MORE CAPABLE GET OVER HERE?!”

    There was a sharp ‘click’ from Nobu’s direction.

    I turned to Nobu, blank faced. “Nobu your idea of Diplomacy is literally ‘to make others do what you want by trickery or by force’. BenBen is more diplomatic than you.”

    “If it works it’s not stupid.” is her counter-argument.

    “If it works... Then that’s intrigue not diplomacy.” I shook my head before turning back to Kublai. “So uh, yeah. Hi. Welcome to Zipang, we have dental insurance.”

    Annnnd that’s Mongolia conquered.

    Yay.

    ====

    Notes:

    Alex: Be honest. What scared you more: the obvious yandereness, or the shanking tendencies?

    Chen: Both.

    Alex: Yuno-sama carved a special place in every one of our hearts.

    Chen: Marco Polo is scary. Hey now that I think about it, Kublai was the leader I got along best with and I don’t know what that says about me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2018
  22. D-san

    D-san I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    It's okay Chen. Everyone thinks that Kublai is cool, so you're fine.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2018
  23. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    I take back what I've said previously -- I could see KK getting waifu'd.
     
  24. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    ...Alex?
     
    Alexander and RazielofSecrets like this.
  25. D-san

    D-san I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Yeah, I realized my mistake like the minute after I posted it, I just couldn't be bothered to fix it until now.
     
  26. Threadmarks: Chapter 36: War (What Is It Good For)
    Alexander

    Alexander How do you want me to discipline you today?

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    Chapter 36: War (What Is It Good For)

    ====

    “Now that we have unified East Asia-” Yoshitsune began. “It would be beneficial to hold a grand meeting between all original rulers. Would Chang’an works as a meeting point?”

    I stared blankly at her.

    “...If you have questions just voice them.”

    “Where’s Chang’an again? Why is it so important? Why do we need to have a grand meeting when I pass by like 2/3 of the rulers every single day? Is this meeting open to the public or something or is it just formalities? Why do people not consider rock and roll musi-”

    She glared at me. I shut up.

    “To answer in order.” She finally said. “Chang’an is the capital of Taika, the city where you met Qin Shi Huang for the first time. Remember the Terracotta Army? Beside that it’s located right in the middle of East Asia, giving it a great symbolic meaning. Yes the rulers we defeated live and fight with us now, but the point of this meeting is to gather together the members of the different countries’ bureaucracies, so we can work on establishing a proper government: right now Zipang, Taika, India and Mongolia still operate like separate states. While it will not be open to the public, we can have representatives for the common people participate. Satisfied?”

    “...This meeting is going to suck isn’t it.” I groaned, placing a hand on my face, “Welp, this sounds like it’s going to be ridiculously out of my area of expertise.”

    “Why going all the way to Chang’an anyway?” Nobu complained. “Can’t we just use the seeing stones?”

    The fuck are the seeing stones. Oh wait the brick phones.

    “Because there are not enough for everyone, and the amount of magic needed to keep them running for entire days is prohibitive.” Sei answered.

    “Lady Seimei, I’ve completed the investigation you requested.” Tama opened the door, Marco on her side.

    “Oh good, good. So, was it as I suspected?”

    “Yes my lady. Here’s the report.”

    Sei took the roll and unfurled it, the smile on her lips shrinking the more she read until it was just a straight line. “...I hoped I was wrong, but I suppose I’m too good for that.”

    “Oh boy.” I waved, “Care to inform the rest of us?”

    “Remember those pirates that attacked Zipang before we could secure the sea lines? It turned out body-concealing robes wasn’t the only thing they all shared. I had a suspicion, so I gave Inou-chan some side tasks during the recent campaigns.” She gave me the report. “The mysterious peddler who sold Qin Shi Huang mercury as medicine-”

    “Oh god they’re connected aren’t they.”

    “Yes. And so are the adviser who encouraged the Maharaja to become tyrants and the members of a failed attempt to destabilize Kublai Khan’s rule.”

    Marco nonchalantly whistled while admiring her nails.

    “All of them had one thing in common: they were carrying the same pendant.”

    I paused, before suddenly looking down at the paper to find the sketch of a pendent.

    A very, very familiar looking pendant.

    My hand slammed down on the table with a loud bang, “Son of a bitch they’re all connected!”

    Himiko looked over my shoulders and gasped. “That’s-! Takeru’s pendant!”

    “Wait what?” Nobu stood up. “Someone explain what’s happening!”

    “Okay so like you guys know how Yamato disappeared right?” I explained, putting the paper in the center of the table for everyone to see. “Well when Himiko found her again she had complete amnesia, a dying body with no heartbeat, and this fucking pendant.”

    “What do you mean dying body with no heartbeat?!”

    “Necromancy. Or, more specifically, tampering with the soul-body link.” Sei nodded gravely. “It’s just a theory born from ancient legends, but as long as the soul remains on this plane a person it’s not technically dead. But by the same token, being able to affect this link should also give someone the power to tamper with the brain, which connect the soul’s emotions and memories with the body.” She sighed. “This is a curse on a level I have never seen before.”

    “Okay so, what we’re dealing with is a potentially world wide conspiracy by something so powerful it can fuck with the afterlife in order to, what? From it’s actions so far it’s main goal seems to be to destabilize all the countries in the world.” I grabbed a blank piece of paper and began scribbling stuff down, “In Mongolia they were the most obvious but totally failed because Mongolia, in India they corrupted the leaders into tyrants, in Taika they poisoned Shi, and in Zipang they obviously resurrected Yamato and brainwashed her for... some reason. She was probably a trigger bomb sent to go Yamata when Zipang was united or something but I don’t think they expected me at all. As for the pirates... Well, all I can think they could’ve done was prevent us from going and expanding outwards. All of these actions seem to have leaned towards wanting to make sure no country gets too good but I can’t figure out what their main goal is. Did they want to make sure the world war goes on forever?”

    For a moment time stopped. In the ensuing absolute silence I heard EMIYA’s words:

    “Finally figured it out, have you? It was worth it to use the excess power to subtly influence those around you.”

    And then everything returned to normal.

    “Fucking hell EMIYA was that really goddamn necessary!” I gasped, shivering. “Why the hell did you feel the need to go and stop time ugh. Smug bastard.”

    “Oni-san, are you alright? You were staring at nothing and didn’t respond when we called you.” Himiko asked with clear worry. “And who is this Emiya person?”

    “If you are right...” Yoshi stared grimly at both Tama’s report and my scribblings. “This is bigger than we thought.”

    “No, this is bullshit of the highest order.” Nobu flopped back on her seat and crossed her arms with a sneer. “Fucking magic, fucking conspiracies. Fucking everything.”

    “Nobu I’m in a world where Marco Polo is an Assassin, King Arthur is a love freak, and fucking Amazon is an actual country. A conspiracy is just par for the course at this point.” I sighed, “So anyways I’m thinking of calling this conspiracy BEAST for now, until they actually start showing and maybe monologue or something I don’t fucking know. Any objections?”

    There was none. Himiko kept staring at the reports, a thunderous expression on her face.

    ====

    To the shock of no one mere hours after we arrived at Chang’an it was hit with a BEAST attack.

    Because seriously once you realize they exist they become ridiculously obvious.

    “They’re within range!” Sun waved her stick in a large arc. “Mongol archers, fire! Second round! Third round! Fire at the designated targets! We’ll break the enemy formation and pull through using the least amount of strength!”

    “So,” I called out to Sun, “How’s the situation looking right now?”

    “I sent Lu to flank their exposed side.” The enemy formation broke, with many distant points vaguely looking like people filling the sky. “Right there. Good thing her arm healed just in time for this battle. Chang’an’s walls hold strong, and with the addition of three other armies we have enough reserves to grind them into dust. Though, I don’t recommend fighting back just yet.”

    “Mmm.” I nodded, “Far as I can tell, BEAST hasn’t thrown any hero units they brainwashed at us yet. If they want to destroy us that badly it probably won’t be long before one shows up.”

    “Does the figure approaching the gates all alone count?” Nobu asked while peering at the battlefield.

    “...I’m going to say yes until proven otherwise.” I began, turning to where Nobu was facing and what the fuuuu- “Okay so, big ass knight over there with a sword in one hand and some kind of red monstrosity in the other. Seems to go with the Nobu school of dressing so... European? Probably? Lancelot you recognize her?”

    “Eeh, let’s see...” Balancing on the rails she leaned forward. Her smile turned into a perplexed frown. “Wait. What is Balin doing there?”

    “Brainwashed. Probably.” Also Balin? I’ve never heard of that knight. Though admittedly there’s too many to keep track of at some point, “Aren’t BEAST attacks fun.”

    “Brainwashed? That’s bad.” She replied with an even tone. “We should inform Her Majesty. Ah, and be careful if you fight her: Balin is among the strongest and more experienced of the Knights of the Round. Those weapons she wields... Merlin enchanted them so that they cause explosions, not cuts.”

    Note: Merlin exists.

    “And she probably got a power up as well because that’s just how BEAST operates. Great.” I muttered, “So! Who’s going to be the one to call out to her?”

    “Wouldn’t it be better to use all of our troops?” Sun questioned. “I even have a new type of weapon: a cannon!”

    “A cannon?!” Nobu shouted. “Let me see it!”

    “Holy shit you have a canon.” I attempted to whistle, “When did we get a fucking canon?”

    “Amazon, Super-Special Exclusive Edition for Royalty.”

    “Huh. You really can buy everything off Amazon- Wait.” I paused, “Is it really a good idea to launch a cannonball at the woman who’s cuts cause explosions?”

    Sun blinked. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

    “Uhm, everyone?” Himiko called out. “While you were arguing that warrior reached the wal-”

    A whooshing sound. Followed by something slamming against the rails at such speed debris were sent flying everywhere.

    “Haaaah... You little bugs are making so much noise.” A rough, delinquent-like voice drawled as Balin stepped into view, the boredom in her empty eyes in contrast to the slasher smile on her lips. “Heh, you’re all worthless. It makes me yawn. At least let me have a little fun...”

    Well, shit.

    Okay don’t panic don’t panic.

    “Oi, britannian stripper.” Dammit mouth no! “I think you got the wrong address, Scotland's the other way.”

    ...That was baaaaad.

    Her glare slowly focused on me. “Mmh? Do I know you...? Right, you’re the Servant of Heaven. I’m supposed to mangle you good. Heh, then I’ll leave you for last, and then cut you up real nicely... into mincemeat.”

    “Heeeyy! Baliiin!” Lancelot called out. “What are you doing? Snap out of it!”

    She tilted her head. “Mmh? Do I know you?”

    “It’s me, Lancelot! I’m the rookie, remember? You forgot to hold back during my first day and sent me flying into the kitchen.”

    “Doesn’t ring a damn bell. Seriously, quit your yapping. It’s pissing me off.”

    “Okay seriously, are you pulling your lines from somewhere?” I asked, “‘Cause those are like, the clichest of cliché lines. Like, next you’re gonna say: ‘Something something shut your mouth’.”

    She tilted her head back to me. “Nah.”

    “Kay.”

    She swung her right weapon, so fast only a sudden surge of power from within allowed me to dodge. The part of the wall struck blew off like a dozen kilos of dynamite, leaving behind a large crater two meters deep.

    “More like ‘something, something just die already’!”

    I looked down at the wall before back at her, “Something something Ballllllin something.”

    “Oh my God STOP MAKING HER ANGRY!!!” Nobu screamed while firing her musket as fast as she could, every bullet being deflected by Balin’s armor or her weapons.

    “Bow corps! Aim at the target! Cannon! Fire!” Sun ordered.

    All arrows were dodged, and the cannonball slashed into two.

    Sei’s Shikigami rained over the redheaded knight, only to be swept aside by a single swing.

    “Lu Bu is here!” The Taika general jumped over the wall, both spears poised to strike. “Taste the full power of my Sky Piercer!”

    The blow, more than twice as strong as the one Lu once used against me with only one arm, was parried by Balin’s sword. The ground around her shattered, but she herself hadn’t a single scratch.

    “Hey. Is this a joke?” She drawled before swinging her other weapon, sending Lu flying back with another explosion. “I thought you guys were better than this? How worthless...”

    “We try.”

    “DON’T JUST STAND THERE! DO SOMETHING!” Sun screamed from behind cover.

    “Right right!” I yelled, pulling Kusanagi out of it’s sheath. “God this is going to hurt... Right okay fighting time!”

    Balin was upon me in an instant, her left weapon ready to pound me into a bloody mess. I attempted to dash out of the way of the weapon, using Kusanagi to block the blade as the sound of metal on metal rang on the wall.

    I quickly found out that Balin hit ever harder than Yamato on a very good day, and that trying to block just result in an explosion to the face. Luckily, instead of ending into bloody chunks I was simply pushed back with my skin stinging. “Ow... God how do those explosions work- Annnd you don’t want to talk anymore do you.”

    She took a step forward.

    “Hiken.”

    The air stilled. Like, literally: it was like trying to breath through molasses. Not that I knew what that felt like.

    Balin whipped her head around, eyes widening.

    “Tsubame Gaeshi!”

    One. Two. Three. Three perfectly executed, simultaneous slashes converged upon the brainwashed knight like a lightning strike, locking her within a cage of certain death.

    One slash was parried. The second one was also parried.

    The third one cut diagonally through Balin’s front armor, moving through metal, flesh and bones like they were not even there.

    “...What?” Balin croaked, her wound bleeding profusely.

    “Have no fear: I missed your vitals.” Sasaki cooly declared while stepping into view, her long katana already drawn. “The Ganryu Style of Swordsmanship frowns upon killing from the back. Furthermore, I was ordered to just contain you.”

    “Humans are just bigger swallows.” I muttered, “Oi, Sasaki. She look she’s still in any condition to fight?”

    “I just need her to talk.” Himiko stormed past Sasaki, flanked by Yoshi, BenBen and Maragi. She was glaring in fury at Balin. “Where is Takeru? Give her back! Give her back to me!”

    “...Bff. Buahahahahaha!!!” The knight began to laugh uproariously, uncaring of her wound-which has already stopped bleeding. “That was good! Really good! So even bugs like you have fangs! Your bite certainly sting! Thanks for helping me kill time. I’m gonna mangle you... It’ll be heaven before it’s hell!”

    Balin flexed her muscles, hands clenching so hard around her weapons you could heard cracks coming from them. Her capillaries became visible, glowing an ugly purple. It was creepy.

    “Raise your guard!” Yoshi shouted.

    The next instant Balin shot forward like a missile, her movements noticeably faster and, as it was proven by the next explosion, her strength even more bullshit.

    The next melee was a chaotic affair that saw everyone against Balin, and despite the numerical disparity both sides were evenly matched. And being part of that chaos as well, I could barely keep track of everything as the beast of a woman took all of us on in what had to be the biggest clusterfuck I had ever been in.

    Himiko, Sun and Maragi stood back, casting healing and strengthening spells on us when needed.

    Nobu and Sei darted around the melee, shooting bullets and spells when they had a clear line of sight.

    Benben, Sasaki and a recently returned Lu kept Balin’s right side occupied, while me, Yoshi and Lancelot did the same with the left one.

    No matter what we did, no matter how much she was wounded: the redheaded knight just. Refused. To. Go. Down.

    “Kehehe! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Balin laughed during a brief lull in the fighting, the rest of her body stained the same color as her hair. “Oh, it’s been so long since I had so much fun!”

    “That actually brings a question to mind,” I began, continuing to move while holding up a guarded stance. “Who are you anyways?”

    “Mmh? Didn’t the bug over there say my name already?” She tilted her head towards a panting Lancelot. “What more do you need to know?”

    “Well, your name and looks might be the same but it’s obvious your memories aren’t.” I narrowed my eyes, “So which is it, are you Balin of the Knights of the Round Table, or are you just someone who can’t keep a grip on their own mind?”

    “The fuck are you-guh!” She jerked, one hand letting go of her weapon to clutch at her temples. “The... fuck...” Her eyes flashed between orange and black.

    The pendant around her neck glowed with the same light. The next instant she melted into the ground, just like Yamata did.

    “...What the fuck?” I blinked, “I mean it’s obvious what happened but... What the fuck?”

    “Gotta agree with the brat: what the fuck?” Nobu asked.

    “I don’t feel her anymore... It appears she teleported away.” Sei looked around. “Maybe BEAST’s control over her mind faltered, and they decided to cut their losses?”

    “That’s almost definitely what happened, the way her eyes flickered, I think we saw a bit of her real self back there.” I paused, thinking back on it a bit. “...I think it’s the pendant.”

    “A foci. Yes, all powerful spells need a linchpin to keep working for an extended amount of time.”

    “Then, if we remove or destroy the pendant...” Himiko said with rising hope.

    “We take away their brainwashing as well, or at least any active control BEAST has over them.” I nodded, “It’s probably why they have so many people wearing their pendants. Those people probably don’t even know they’re being brainwashed... Hey! Check if some of those guys made it out alive! We’re going to have to test this!”

    Several people did indeed survive. After removing the pendants and nursing them back to health we discovered they didn’t remember a thing about their actions, with the last memory being of a stranger selling or gifting them with the pendant. Most of them came from East Asia, but others were from all over the world.

    “Well, if anything,this confirms that BEAST is a worldwide threat.” I sighed, “Though the fact that they were able to make an entire army like that... honestly what the hell how long have they had these guys for.”

    “I checked: those from East Asia were recruited after we set off to conquer Taika, while most of the others go as far as a few years.” Yoshi grimly informed me.

    “I see, ugh. They probably didn’t think of any of the nations around here as a threat and then promptly flipped their shit when the plan for Zipang didn’t go well. Which must mean that they have armies in Europe and other countries as well.” I groaned, “Great. Who knows, at this point BEAST could’ve been since the start of the world war. Hell I wouldn’t even be surprised if they were the ones who caused it in the first place. It’s not like anyone actually knows the series of events that started it.”

    “We’ll beat them. We’ll find them and we’ll beat them.” Himiko declared, hands clenched. “We’ll rescue Takeru!”

    PART TWO: THIS WORLD IS WACKIER THAN I THOUGHT

    END

    ====

    Notes:

    Chen: What the hell happened in the original? Did they never even figure out what was going on?

    Alex: Yes, but much later.

    Chen: Oh my god they're idiots.

    Alex: Japanese game.

    Chen: Fair point.
     
    Frankfawn43, Selias, ryuan and 17 others like this.
  27. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    Oh, hey. Sasaki's doing stuff again.
     
    RazielofSecrets likes this.
  28. EmpirePlayer

    EmpirePlayer Anyone need some chaos?

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    ...now that I think of it,
    been a long time since I remembered anything from the endgame, but well, that must have been absolute hell for Lancelot. I mean, the English kitchen which makes food of which it is one of the few things she actually hates..?
     
    Winged One likes this.
  29. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    SAVIOR OF FRANCE SON.
     
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  30. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    ....huh?
     
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