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My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Alexander, Aug 13, 2017.

  1. Scope

    Scope Versed in the lewd.

    Feb 19, 2013
    Likes Received:
    It's an FGO Orleans joke where early on in the game, most of the enemies are Rider classed wyverns and dragons and Sasaki Kojiro is the easiest Assassin to get access to.

    The "Dragons are but bigger swallows" meme got so out of hand that it was officially recognized and Sasaki gets a boost of power not just in the country of Japan, but France as well.
  2. Winged One

    Winged One Not the Simurgh

    Jul 16, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Also, there's a pokemon-esque typing system in FGO. Apparently Assassins beat Riders. I'd have expected their advantage to be against Casters, personally, but nobody asked me.
    Prince Chrom and RazielofSecrets like this.
  3. Scope

    Scope Versed in the lewd.

    Feb 19, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Hm? Casters are the closest thing to squishy mage master that the Assassins are specialized in taking out, it makes sense to me.
  4. Iron Roby

    Iron Roby Getting out there.

    Dec 2, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Better watch out, Nobu, or you might get eaten by a glutton.

    Oh, you are in charge of a bunch of tropes, alright.

    No. You don't.
  5. Threadmarks: Chapter 37: Party Rock Anthem

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

    Apr 24, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Chapter 37: Party Rock Anthem


    “We need to address one last point and we have finished.” Yoshi informed everyone while depositing an obscenely tall pile of paperwork into an handcart. “We don’t have much information about the lands outside the continent, so I want to hear your opinions about what our next objective should be.”

    “Ooouuhh...” Shi winces before coughing, her right hand inside a bowl full of ice. “If I could repeat what Sun has told me… Now that the Taika Empire and Mongolia are a part of Zipang’s territory, we could declare war to the neighboring country of Russia…”

    “However, I don’t recommend it.” Kublai shook her head, her sore hand being taken care of by a solicitous Marco. “Not only is the Russian weather prohibitive to everyone who wasn’t born there, challenging Russia with our current military potential would only be making trouble for ourselves.”

    “From India we’re able to attack the neighboring country of Macedonia.” Ashoka seemed unbothered by the pain. “Though that requires we revive the Silk Road first. Even then, just like with Russia declaring war on Macedonia would be beyond our current abilities. However, there is one more area that could be potentially be attacked by India: the South Seas. Last I heard of it some skirmishes have broken out around those parts. This could be a good chance to take advantage of the situation.”

    My hands burned…

    “Hwababjab…” I mumbled before shaking my head, “Oh uh, I mean, on the one hand Russia is literally the worst place to invade ever, on the other hand I’ve never heard of Macedonia so… That’s a first.”

    “Macedonia is a medium-sized country between Asia and Europe.” Ashoka explained. “It seems that the current ruler is a great warrior that had lead their armies on many successful campaigns, so their soldiers are probably more experienced than ours.”

    “Oh. Fun.” I tired sighed, “So basically we’re screwed one way and we’re screwed another aren’t we. Mmf, we’re gonna have to pull something extreme off to actually get past this obstacle… I’m just going to have to go ahead and say that Macedonia - Makedonia? Makedoniia-”

    “You had it right the first time.” Yoshi deadpanned,

    “Make- Macedonia is our best bet since we don’t have to plan around mother nature itself… I think.”

    “What… What about the South Seas?” With an enormous struggle Himiko pushed herself up from where he was face-planted on the table, her right arm hanging uselessly. “Ashoka-san said it’s the easier target at the moment.”

    “I didn’t say that. I just said that, due to already existing skirmishes, attacking it now could give us a good chance.” She corrected.

    “Oh. Sorry I-I’m more then a bit out of it at the moment.” A yawn escaped my lips, “My new life goal is learning how to get into a fist fight with a sword.”

    “Ignore what comes out of his mouth.” Yoshi had a half-lidded stare. “We don’t have to decide right now. We can take it easy for a little more in order to let the soldiers rest and investigate more out possible objectives. I’ll see everyone again tomorrow for the next batch of paperwork.”

    The answer was a collective groan.


    So, let’s recap a bit shall we?

    After conquering east asia, or at least some countries in it I guess, and fending off a BEAST attack while also figuring out that the world has some sort of super secret conciparacy hidden underneath the surface of every country, there came a newest, most awfulest enemy ever.

    It’s name was paperwork and the battle against it took at least like, a week and a half of sitting in a room signing paper after paper until our hands were cramped and our eyes were sore. It’s like that scene in Hot Fuzz, except eleven times as long.

    Which is why, after finally being able to move my hands without pain, we all decided to go on a fucking break and party at Sei’s house. Why Sei’s house? Probably because there’s no servants or something…

    I know that’s why I’m there.

    “Cheeeers!” Himiko uncapped a bottle (of soda) and cheered loudly form the head of the long table. We were inside Sei’s garden, the trees blooming as a pleasant breeze rustled their branches. “Zipang’s fame and power is continuing to spread... As our golden country becomes a subject of admiration, I remember the time when we were in fact a worn out minor power that dreamed of the continent. Goodbye old Zipang! Hello new Zipang!”

    “Is Himiko drunk? This Lu Bu doesn’t quite get what she’s saying.”

    “Well, you see.” I took a sip of my milk, “When I first got booted off to Yamatai, Himiko was the ruler of like, a third of Zipang and frequently got her ass kicked by bandits and Nobu.”

    “And so now she’s happy that’s not the case anymore. Got it.” Lu nodded while eating from a bowl of pork ramen. “Hey Chen, are you free one of those days? I’ve heard that, somewhere within the mausoleum of Shi’s ancestors, there is a super-strong sword: I’m actually interested in it.”

    “Before that worry about Shi herself first.” Sun commented from the other side, her plate full of vegetables. “I have almost located where we can find the ascetic in the Taklamakan desert. After that it’s time for training in actual tactics, not the reckless charges you two always use unless I’m there with you.”

    Wait a minute… Super-strong sword… Asia….

    “Fuuuuuuuuck.” I groaned, “That’s right. I totally forgot that there were a bunch of swords I need to grab for Maragi. Is she here?”

    “I am Lord Chen.” She raised a cup of hot green tea. ”Actually, Yoshitsune-dono and Tadataka-dono send me regular reports about the search for the Five Swords Under Heaven. They haven’t been found yet, but the Ooten have been spotted near the border between India and Macedonia and the Mikazuki Munechika has been mentioned in the reports from Thailand. I am reasonably confident we are close to recover them.”

    “Oh, I don’t recognize those names but I guess that’s fine.” I sighed, “What else was there… Oh right Sasaki was running around looking for a cheese lady right?”

    “Miyamoto Musashi.” Sasaki said, her eyes closed. “Someone matching her description has been spotted running around, doing odd jobs and immediately using the money to eat in a different restaurant each day.”

    “Talking about treasure hunts, I found a map written by Grandmother.” Kublai was eating elegantly, Marco staring at her with a blissful expression from her right side. The chair on her left side has been savagely hacked apart. “This is surely a test she left behind to make sure I am a worthy ruler. Do you want to accompany me as witness?”

    “No, no. Hakkai and Gojyo are coming with me. My intuition is telling me we must go and explore the Bazaar of Kashgar.” Sanzo was quickly going through a plate full of sweets.

    “If it is not too much trouble, I also have something to discuss with you.” Ashoka added. “It’s a project I would like to realize in India, but I’ll need your authorization.”

    “Okay, okay, stop, pause, give me a second.” I made a T shape with my hands before continuing, “There is way too many people asking me to do stuff with them right now. Did you all just decide that today was the day you were gonna ask me to do this or something?”

    “I just took the chance of all of us being gathered here.” Sun answered, to which the others nodded.

    “Yeah, okay, let’s figure out my now suddenly existent social life later. I don’t want to spend the party with my head stuck in a calendar.” I gulped down the rest of glass in one go before letting out a satisfied sigh, “You know, all this talk about treasure makes me wonder if Kusanagi can absorb other swords for power. Wouldn’t be the first time it’s done that.”

    “I don’t recommend testing that. At least, not with swords I would mind losing.” Sei commented from the other end of the table, a large bottle of sake next to her plate of fried tofu. Her lips split into a smile. “Alright, time for some fun! Who is up for a game of ‘Likes and Dislikes’?”

    “I have a feeling that this is going to go terribly wrong.”

    “It’s a simple game: everyone write down their likes and dislikes, at least one of each, on a piece of paper.” Yoshi explained. “We then put them all inside a container, randomly choose one and read it aloud. Everyone must guess who wrote it.”

    “Well shit, let’s go for it.” I nodded, “Hey Sei! You providing the materials?”

    “Sure.” She gave a few instructions to her Shikigami, who went and quickly returned with its comrades and a lot of writing materials they quickly spread around.

    All right what to put down… Got it.

    A few minutes later Sei, as the host, was the one to pick up and read the pieces of paper. “Let’s see here… Likes: people being happy. Dislikes: people fighting.”

    “Himiko?” I turned to stare at the girl

    “Shi!” Lu smiled.

    “It has to be Shi:” Sun nodded.

    “...Yes.” the girl in question shyly admitted.

    “Second one. Likes: large discounts. Dislikes: immature brats.”


    “Yeah, yeah: it’s mine.”

    “Third one. Likes: Shi being happy. Dislikes: Shi being unhappy, Lu not listening to her.”

    “Sun.” I yawned. “That was way too obvious…”

    “I like being honest.” is her defense.

    “Fourth one. Likes: having a roof over my head. Dislikes: sewers.”

    “Tama.” I paused, “Wait why the hell am I the only one throwing out guesses?!”
  6. Winged One

    Winged One Not the Simurgh

    Jul 16, 2013
    Likes Received:
    ...where's the rest of it? I want to see the whole game.
    Alexander likes this.
  7. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

    Jun 11, 2013
    Likes Received:
    So do I.
  8. Iron Roby

    Iron Roby Getting out there.

    Dec 2, 2016
    Likes Received:
    I still think that BEAST is a too actually kinda scary-sounding name to dignify the enemy here. Silly global conspiracies deserve equally silly designations, for the purposes of morale and the general time-honoured principle of extending the middle finger.

    Personally, I would have called them something like Gauche Amulet Appreciation Association Headquarters - or GAAAH! for short.
    EvaUnit01 and Winged One like this.
  9. Threadmarks: Chapter 38: Glass Bottom Boat

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

    Apr 24, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Chapter 38: Glass Bottom Boat


    “Okay so Zipang is Japan then we go West then we go south east before going North to deal with Russia…” I looked at the map, “Okay, I’m officially lost.”

    Just as I was contemplating the stupid concepts of direction the door slid open, Himiko walking inside with obvious excitement. “I’ve been looking for you, Onii-san. Hehe, hehehe, hehehehe…”

    “Give me a second Himiko, I’m trying to figure out what direction we’re going in because someone,” My head turned to stare right at the girl, “Declared that going East was the right decision when we’re going West.”

    “Such a trivial matter. No matter where we go, a golden future awaits u-oargh!”

    BenBen rushed inside just after Himiko, resulting in her crashing into the miko and sending her flying to the other side of the room.

    “E-eh?” The weapon-wielding girl tilted her head. “Himiko just flew off somewhere…”

    “Don’t bump into me from behind like that!” She replied while picking herself up. “I almost went right through the wall!”

    “You have to be careful with these sort of things BenBen,” I patted the tiny girl on the head, “In times like these you have to say it was Lu who broke the wall, that way you can throw Himiko into a wall as many times as you want and the builders won’t get mad.”

    “Oh, really?”

    “Don’t teach her weird things!”

    “Are you done talking?” Yoshi’s head popped from behind the door. “The messenger is going to get tired of waiting.”

    “A-Ah, that’s right!” Himiko straightened up. “Onii-san, a messenger from Thailand has come to Zipang seeking an audience.”

    “T-Thailand?” I asked incredulously, “Fri- Thailand? Really? Why the- Uh, fine you know what okay. Whatever. Let’s go.”

    I stood up from my desk with a sigh, “So what does Thailand want anyways?”

    “He didn’t say, but I don’t think it’s anything hostile.” Yoshi clarified. “The messenger is… oddly cheerful.”


    “Hello King of Zipang!” The messenger stated and wow. He… was cheerful I guess?

    LIke he was wearing the usual asian clothes as far as I can tell but they were incredibly orange. So much so that it seemed that they caused his smile to explode. I half-jokingly worried that this might be a frame up job where the messenger explodes with happiness and the Thai used his death to go to war with us.

    But that was silly so I just awkwardly waved my hand. “Uh… Hi.”

    “My name is Boon-Nam Shinawatra, ambassador of Thailand.” He put his palms together and bowed, never breaking eyes contact. “You’re very young, as I heard.”

    “But not too young I hope.” I replied back, “And I wouldn’t say- Well, I just kind of pulled out the sword and now I’m emperor. It was one of those kinds of days you know?”*

    “Younger age means more potential to grow! The gods are wise and generous!” His smile doesn’t waver one bit. “In the name of my country, I am here to offer Thailand’s surrender to Zipang’s growing empire.”

    “O...kay than?” I held up a finger, “Two questions, the first being obviously, Why? Second being if there’s anything from your ruler that you have on you as proof of this decision but please answer the first one well, first.”

    “Wise questions. You see, the South Seas has been exposed to constant fighting for very long.” Boon-Nam began. “It all started when the European Union sent a fleet to colonize the major islands. They were reasonable, and my king worked out many agreements with them. However, at one point the Europeans started clashing with a second army: those people never professed their alliance or participated in diplomatic meetings, so many now call them simply the ‘Unknown’. The fight between them for territories has turned so bad that my king decided Thailand must make a choice in order to survive. That’s why, in exchange for surrender, he asks first and foremost for Zipang’s help in defending our country. As proof of it I present this.”

    From behind him he picked up a bundle and opened it, revealing a wooden tablet covered in carved words and… a katana? “My king’s declaration of surrender, with the royal seal, and a gift: this sword, I was told, came from your country.”

    “I… can’t believe it!” Yoshi’s eyes widened. “That is… the Mikazuki Munechika!?”

    “Okay ignore the sword for now something more important has popped up.” Alright how to put this… “So, this second army, no one knows who they are right? And they’re just causing things to get worse?”

    “Indeed! From the reports received they just occupy territories and then forcefully conscript the people into their armies, doing nothing to stabilize and consolidate their power. Very odd, very odd.” He shook his head in befuddlement.

    My head whipped towards Yoshi as fast as I could, “Yoshi! Do you have a drawing of the pendant on you?”

    She nodded, looking through her documents before taking out said drawing. “Do the soldiers of this ‘Unknown’ wear pendants like this?” She asked while showing it to Boon-Nam.

    “Yes! Indeed they do!”

    “Tsk.” I suppressed a curse, “I know who the army is. The long story short of it is that they don’t belong to any country, but they’re everywhere in the world. I’d consider them close to a terrorist group, trying to make sure that the world war that is going on last forever and that no country stabilizes or gets too good. They’re a powerful group who can use necromancy and manipulate the minds of men, and the pendant you see here is their main way of controlling people. We just call them ‘BEAST’.”

    God damn… It’s them. Of course it’s them, when is it ever not them? Rebellion? BEAST. Pirates? Also BEAST. Someone ate the last cookie? Well damn it we have so many problems caused by them we might as well blame them for that too!

    They were never this blatant though in the past. Why the hell are they just outright fighting…

    “Ai! Which grave news!” He leaned forward on his fists and leaned forward until his forehead touched the floor. “My king made the right decision! Praise the gods! King of Zipang: you who know the true nature of those fiends, please protect us! Thailand has no great heroes, but we will offer soldiers and resources in exchange for your help!”

    “Mmm…” I turned around to face my friends, “Group huddle.”

    We all hurried to huddle together while the Messenger watched.

    “It seems the necessity to act is fast approaching.” Yoshi began after everyone is in position. “BEAST may be trying to gain a foothold in the South Seas in order to hinder our progress and launch direct attacks at Zipang.”

    “Benkei will knock them all out for Che-ny and Yoshitsune.”

    “What are we waiting for?” Himiko growled. “Let’s accept Thailand’s offer and stage a campaign immediately.”

    “I’m slightly worried that Thailand has some BEAST influence of their own.” I hit my fist against my palm, “How about we do this, We have Tama and Sei check Thailand for any influence, and if they find nothing we accept their deal. Granted the problem with this plan is that BEAST may use this time to fuck things even worse. What do you guys say to this?”

    “We could request Thailand’s help to speed up things. Since those associated with BEAST wear their amulets, we can single them out easily… of course, it’s entirely possible they may have infiltrators that are just corrupted.” Yoshi nodded. “But those people would need to be in a position of power. I suggest we do a quick screening of the King and his court, then look deeper when things have calmed down a little.”

    “Right. Sounds like a plan.” We broke up and turned to face the messenger, “Okay so, here’s the thing…”

    “Can Benkei have that sword? It looks pretty!”

    “The Mikazuki Munechika is one of the Five Swords Under Heaven that Kanemoto is searching for.” Yoshi informed her. “You’ll have to prove your worth to her.”


    And that was how Benkei set out on her journey to master all Five Swords Under Heaven. With only three swords left, can she find, prove her worth, and master them in time to save the world from the dreadful BEAST? Find out next time on- Okay okay I’ll stop.


    “If we might begin, this time I will be explaining.” Ashoka tapped a long stick (likely borrowed from Sun) on a map of the european continent spread on the wall. “Since I am limited in my information, please help me fill in the gaps.”

    “They’re already filled too much…” I heard Nobu whispers behind me.

    “Before the EU became a reality they were all small European countries fighting among themselves, but after being unified under the hero Napoleon they have grown into a nation that has acquired great power and influence. Starting with the celebrated strategist Hannibal, they’ve gathered an unique assembly of heroes to their side. They are currently expanding to various places with the strength reminiscent of Britannia’s former days.”

    “Napoleon and Hannibal are in charge…” I shivered, “Ugh that is like, the worst combination.”

    “Regrettably, I agree with the thing.” Marco made a sour face. “Those two are the main strategic minds of the EU, with Hannibal also being a great warrior. Though, if we are talking about raw fighting abilities Charlemagne is also a strong contender: that freak subdued a Manticore bare-handed.”

    “Thank you Marco, anything you can share with us will be valuable.” Kublai smiles. “Napoleon is supposedly still in Europe, so the Hero fighting in the South Seas must be someone else.”

    “Any other heroes we should know about?” I waved my hands, “This is europe we’re talking about.”

    Marco ignored me.


    “I would like to know too.”

    And then promptly beamed at Kublai. “Certainly Lord Kublai! Napoleon and Hannibal are the ones that lead the EU’s military forces, while Caesar is in charge of the logistics and Leonardo of scientific development. I already mentioned Charlemagne, who mostly fight alongside Hannibal. Who else… Faust and Nostradamus are supposedly in charge of magic development, but I never heard of any great discovery coming from there. Beethoven doesn’t really fight, but her concertos greatly boost the troops’ morale. Those are the heroes I met and know about. Oh, and there’s also that Nero garbage too, I suppose.”

    “Caesar and- Nero?” What the- “That’s Rome right? Oi, celery head, which one in charge?”

    Celery head?! You disgusting… If you must know, it’s Caesar who is pretty much in charge. That Nero garbage likes to pretend otherwise, but she’s just an attention whore.”

    “Yeah that… Sounds like Nero. Has she set the country on fire yet?” I paused, feeling like I was missing something before continuing. “Umu?”

    Marco looked at me like she couldn’t believe something this stupid could exist. “Just the ears of those listening when she tried to sing in public. Napoleon usually locks her away in the Catacombs as punishment when she misbehaves, which is pretty much always.”

    “So many powerful opponents. Yet, as long as we stay united we are invincible, no matter the enemy.” Kublai cooly smiled. “Let us hold hands and overcome this test. Yes, we won’t waver in the stormy seas of the south either.”

    “Kyaaaaaahh!! Lord Kublaiiii!!” Marco blushed brightly. “Yes! Please take my hands, my body, my everything!”

    “Can, can we continue?” Even Ashoka looked a little disturbed. “The European Union has a much greater technological progress compared to other nations. It seems they’re producing and ammassing firearms and cannons. Both are state of the art and extremely powerful, but that doesn’t necessarily mean our weaponry is inferior.”

    “Aren’t most of Zipang’s firearms european ones bought on Amasson?” Himiko pointed out.

    “The reason they’re so good.” Nobu commented.

    “You read the customer reviews right?” I turned my head to the pink haired woman, “That’s usually important umu.”

    “Oh, I see…” Ashoka mumbled. “That concluded my explanation. I would like to tell you about the mysterious army the EU is fighting, but they left no hint. We just know this time we will fight two enemies at once, so we must make sure to not expend all of our strength on fighting just one.”

    “Uh… Ashoka? Have you been living under a rock for the past week?” I gave her my best confused stare, “We know who the second army is, did no one tell you?”

    “I know about them being BEAST.” She calmly explained. “But I can’t tell you about the specific forces they have in the South Seas. Numbers, composition and so on are still unclear.”

    “Ah…” I nodded, “Anything else we need to discuss?”

    “If we accept Thailand’s offer we will have access to the port of Saigon, which will allow us to attack Singapore and Brunei, both under EU control.” Yoshi told me. “Since there is no reason to make the EU our enemy yet it may be best to observe the current situation for now instead of attacking right away.”

    “So accept and just watch for now?” Hm, “Eh, sounds good enough. Umu.”

    “Oh god it’s like Nobu all over again.”



    Today’s episode is the fresh cuisine of Thailand, especially the papaya and shrimp with sweet and sour sauce. Remember that this episode was brought to you by the Himiko Foundation, go buy from our sponsors!

    Though I won’t be eating anything.

    “You really should though.” Lancelot said, taking another bite out of her food. “It’s sho good.”

    “Oi can you read my thoughts?!”

    “Nope, they can be seen all over your face.” She takes another large bite. “Oooh, there’s a subtle accent of peanut, it really brings out the flavor…”


    I heard a girlish scream before something fell from the sky and landed in front of us with enough force to make the ground tremble. A small woman dressed in a navy uniform, holding a rifle in one hand. She looked plain with brown hair dressed in two braids and some glasses. Also-

    “I didn’t know Tama had a sister.” I commented.

    I’m sorry I couldn’t resist the urge.

    Lancelot squatted down and poked her in the side. “...Spare ribs?”

    “Don’t go saying scary things like that…” The mysterious woman whispers.

    “You can’t eat humans Lancelot.” I looked over the woman again, “Or can you… Wait, this is not a question of weather you can. It’s of weather you should. I think the answer is that you shouldn’t.”

    “Save me…”


    “And, done.” The doctor tied up the last gauze. “You have an excellent constitution miss. That amount of physical trauma would have reduced most people to a red smear, but you will be back to normal in a few days.”

    “Please don’t compare me to that steel balls idiot.” She grumbled. Then, after the doctor left she adjusted her glasses and offered me a small nod. “...Thank you for saving me.”

    “Eh, no problem.” I shrugged, “So what was that all about anyways?”

    “Just to be sure, I am in Zipang’s territory, right?”

    My face scrunched up as I tried to do some mental gymnastics. “Eh… Technically?”

    “This is Thailand, right? I have heard they have begun negotiations to join Zipang,were the reports wrong?” She shook her head. “Nevermind that. I guess I should introduce myself first: my name is James Cook, and I am the Captain of the EU’s South Seas Fleet. With who I have the pleasure of speaking to?”

    “Um…” I quickly turned around and pulled Lancelot to me. “Should we tell her?”

    “Our names? Wouldn’t that be dis… dips… wouldn’t giving out ours be bad?”

    “Got it.” I whipped back to face Captain Cook who I’m pretty sure found Hawaii, “I’m Dagonet and this is my friend Fou.”

    “Nice to meet you, Sir Dagonet and Lady Fou. I know this may sound out of the blue, but I would like to request Zipang’s assistance in fighting the unknown army that the EU has been fighting until now.” Cook explained. “Due to a massive attack we lost Singapore, Brunei and Manila in a short order and have been pushed back all the way to Cebu. My colleague Magellan has been isolated… or rather, she’s fortifying it and Guam to draws our enemies to her. If we move now, we have a chance to catch them in a pincer attack.”

    “And you’re asking us… why?” I pointed at myself, “Like, not just Zipang. I mean me and Fou.”

    “Ah well, I thought to make my intentions perfectly clear before asking you to bring me to Zipang’s leaders.” She answered with a slight embarrassing tone. “You know, to foster trust…?”

    My finger twirled around as Lancelot and I huddled for the second time. “What d’ya think?”

    “Her clothes make me think of seppia dumplings with honey. I am not sure it’s a good combination…”

    “No idea what that is, doesn’t sound appetizing.” Hmm, What if. “Okay Lancelot- er Fou, Think of it like this, if she were Food, would she be good food or bad food?”

    “Ah, that’s easy!” She beamed. “She’s definitely good food, I can tell by the smell! Leading a hand to those in need would be a noble act, almost as if we were knights.”

    “Technically we are but she doesn’t know that.” I turned back to the brown haired woman and sighed, “How long until you can leave the hospital?”

    “I’m pretty sure I can at least walk.” Cook tried to stand: she wobbled a little but didn’t fall. “Yes. I know there are procedures to follow, but I implore you to be quick. If we don’t move soon Magellan will be in danger!” She said hotly before catching herself. “Or rather, we’ll lose our chance at a pincer attack. I don’t really care about what happens to Magellan, but if the EU territories are all taken I’ll get severely scolded. That’s the only reason. That’s it. I couldn’t care less about that wacko with a fetish for steel balls.”

    “You uh, you might want to rephrase that last bit.” I winced, “Right! Anyways don’t worry, I’ll take you to see the emperor in… Fou how far is the capital? Ten minute walk?”

    “Dunno about the capital, but we left the palace for ten minutes before finding Cook.”

    “Eh, point.” I glanced at the woman, “Don’t worry, we won’t have to cut through bureaucratic bullshit. I know a shortcut trust me.”



    Alex: You know she’ll find out the truth almost immediately, right?
    Chen: That’s the joke :V
    Chen: Actually, I’m surprised Lancelot didn’t recognize the name Dagonet.
    Alex: Maybe a guy with that name doesn’t exist in Bizarro World?
    Chen: Or maybe she’s just used to the other knights saying they’re Dagonet to get away with stuff. Who knows?
  10. Prismatic Glaive

    Prismatic Glaive Came for the Smut, Stayed for the Plot

    Apr 22, 2017
    Likes Received:
    You madman! It's good that Lancelot didn't have any traumatic flashbacks with that name...
  11. Backlash177

    Backlash177 Making the rounds.

    Dec 14, 2016
    Likes Received:
    It's whether not weather.
  12. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

    Jun 11, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Marco's gimmick is getting annoying, butI know that's not Alex or Chen's fault.
    RazielofSecrets likes this.
  13. Threadmarks: Chapter 39: You Got A Friend In Me

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

    Apr 24, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Chapter 39: You Got A Friend In Me


    “Ku, I can’t believe I was fooled so easily... You are a frighteningly cunning individual, King of Zipang.” Cook mumbled.

    “I said my name was something else and you believed it.” I shot back, “None of that was quite in the definition of cunning.”

    “How was I supposed to know you were lying? What kind of person introduce themselves with a fake name to an injured girl they saved?”

    “I blame Lancelot.” I pointed my finger at the knight in question, “She forced me to do it officer.”

    Cook pointed at Lancelot, currently in the middle of wolfing down another bowl of food, with a look that scream ‘really?’.

    “Yeah, yeah. You two can continue playing later.” Nobunaga interrupted. “So, Miss Captain of the EU’s South Seas Fleet, to recap: we help you take the enemy in a pincer attack and save your friend, and in exchange we keep the cities we conquer on the way. Sounds fair?”

    “We’re not really friends... but fair.” She sighed. “And the campaign was going so well...”

    “What are we waiting for then?” Himiko stood up and pointed forwards like a famous videogame lawyer. “To war!”

    “In a few days. The Thailandese King is willing to lend us ships, equipment for sea-combat and sailors experienced in the latter, but it will take some time.” Yoshi said. “We aren’t facing pirates this time, but a full army. To successfully pull off a pincer attack we will need numbers and momentum.”

    “I’ll help if you allow me, I know the South Seas very well.” Cook offered.

    “Yay.” I monotonously clapped, “We’ll leave it to you then.”

    “There is also another matter.” Yoshi opened a map of the region near Thailand and pointed to the sea around Saigon. “BEAST also controls Singapore, Jakarta and Bali. If we move to Brunei we will expose our backs, so we need to leave someone to defend both Saigon and Brunei after we take it. Chen, your decision?”

    “Am I allowed to phone in a friend?” I asked, raising up my hand.

    She raised an eyebrow but slowly nodded, while Himiko just mouthed ‘phone’ with a confused expression.

    Oh right yeah phone isn’t a word anymore. And gameshows don’t exist now that I think about it, not that I know what game show I’m currently referencing.

    “Someone grab Sun for me please.”

    While we waited for the strategist to arrive Cook asked a question. “Why do you call the enemy BEAST?”

    I paused before turning to Yoshi, “I feel like I’ve explained this five times in the last week. Have we made a pamphlet or something yet?”

    “Not a pamphlet.” She reached down and produced a small book, a picture of BEAST’s amulet and their organization’s name on the front. “But in my spare time I wrote this. Beside our experiences so far with BEAST I also included a theoretical analysis of the best way to handle a world-wide conspiracy aimed to destabilize countries and instigate wars.”

    Himiko shuddered. “Spare time, she say. What is this thing she’s talking about?”


    “What do you even do?” I countered with a laugh.

    “As far as I remember? I used to drink good tea, eat good sweets, rest on soft pillows, play with the children... good times.” The shrine maiden like girl sighed wistfully.

    “...They let you around children?” That was... “Their parents allowed that?”

    “Hey!” She protested.

    “Actually, Himiko is very good with children.” Yoshi defended her, Nobu nodding and Cook busy reading Yoshi’s book. “Or, more exactly, they get along as if she’s one of them.”

    “That’s-wait.” Very slowly Himiko turns to Yoshi with a deadpan expression. “Did you just call me a child?”

    “No. I merely implied you have a throughout knowledge of how children think, and the ability to make use of it almost naturally.”

    “Translation: You think similarly to that of a kid naturally!”

    “So you were insulting me!”


    “Yo.” A certain red-clad Servant greeted me.

    “What. Why.” I oh so elegantly responded.

    “The answer to your first question is: you’re asleep, and this is a dream.” He gestured to featureless landscape around us. “The answer to your second question is: to tell you something. After you finish with the South Seas go to Australia: I found a perfect medium to talk to you without resorting to this kind of pseudo-vision, but it seems BEAST got there first.”

    “Australia. As in the land down under.” That was uh... “Well I can’t say I expected Australia though I guess a spiritual medium being there makes some kind of sense. I guess. Oi mate.”

    “Yes, I have time to answer some more questions.” He flopped down on a chair that just popped into existence.

    “So,” I coughed, “The fuck is BEAST anyways?”

    “...Part of what I can tell you is just speculation.” He answered slowly. “First, all the humans that wear their pendants are cut off from the collective unconsciousness, or at least the part of it that I can perceive. If it wasn’t clear I have troubles acknowledging the negative side of humanity like, for example, nihilism. And when those pendants are removed they lose all memories of what they did. BEAST’s existence is known or suspected in other countries, but no one has realized yet they’re world-wide threat.”

    “I see...” I paused, before awkwardly looking away. “Sorry man, I know we’re in a mandatory exposition scene and all but I can’t think of what to ask you.”

    “Eh, don’t worry. Find that medium, remove BEAST’s influence on her and we can talk as much as you want. Do me a favor and try to be friends with that girl, okay? She will never admit it out loud, but she really hates being lonely.”

    “I’m sensing Tsundere. Mother fucker are you sending me to a Tsundere-”

    “Nope. No Tsun side within that one.” He pretended to check a watch on his wrist. “Oops, our available time has run out.”

    I woke up.

    With mild annoyance I stared at the ceiling, the memory of the dream still vividly in my head. I slowly got myself out of bed before opening the door to my room.

    Than I shouted.



    Ah Brunei. Brunei Brunei Brunei.

    Where is Brunei you ask? I have no idea!

    I’m just saying Brunei because it sounds like one of those sophisticated words. Is Brunei a wine? Sitting back in my armchair, relaxing by the fireside, drinking a bottle of Brunei!

    Wait no now it just sounds like a beer.

    Well whatever, the important thing is I am now in Brunei! Here to beat up BEAST! Again! I can’t say much about the city itself but hey, it’s the thought that counts right?!

    Wait a minute-

    “Hey guys,” I began, looking at my companions. “Since we’re fighting BEAST what’s the likelihood they’re gonna throw a hero at us. Again.”

    “If you remember, that’s one of the reasons Sun assigned Sasaki-dono to this mission.” Yoshi gestured to Sasaki, who respectfully nodded. “Currently you and her are the more suited for one-on-one fights due to your respective techniques. I am here to take care of strategy, Himiko of healing, Kublai-dono really insisted for coming and Marco was adamant in following Kublai-dono.”

    “Mmh, the sea breeze is quite pleasant.” The blue-haired girl hummed while facing the sea on the ship’s bow. “I have once heard there are horses living in the ocean. I wouldn’t mind trying to tame one.”

    “I’m sorry Lady Kublai, but Seahorses are very small, around the size of a person’s hand.” Marco replied while fanning her master. “They are no fit to be ridden by humans.”

    “Is that so? What a shame.”

    “They aren’t even shaped like horses!” I called out, “They’re just called that! Unless you can ride a fish I wouldn’t recommend it!”

    “If it’s large enough it can be ridden.” She declared. “Marco, I have decided: I shall find a worthy steed and become the Pegasus of the South Seas! Please assist me with your experience.”

    “Kyaaaa! Lady Kublai! I will serve you forever and ever!”

    “And here I thought I was used to weird things...” Cook commented with an even tone. “Where did you find those two?”

    “They ruled Mongolia, I beat them up, now they follow me now.” I paused, “Man that makes me sound like a delinquent. Anyways if you want to see real crazy ladies I picked up off the street go meet Sanzou. Actually don’t, I don’t want to go to war with the EU because you accidentally got brainwashed.”

    “With all due respect, once we rescue Magellan I’m getting the heck outta here. Well, it’s not like I really care about that idiot... but continuing the mission alone would be extremely difficult. Even if most of it is due to that idiot’s stunts.” She shook her head and looked at the horizon. “Anyway, we should be close to Brunei now. Judging from the troops that chased us to Cebu BEAST should have left just a small garrison, but the port is easily defendable. There is, however, a second path in a different side of the island that lead to Brunei, large enough for many troops to use.”

    “I see... We’ll do it this way: we’ll approach the city using that path, while our ships distract BEAST by pretending to prepare for a sea attack, and strike while their backs are turned.”

    “Right, sounds like a plan.” I nodded, before grinning. “This’ll be fun.”


    “That was not fun.” I muttered, having finished the job. “I’m kinda bored actually.”

    So we had managed to get back Brunei and Minilla fairly easily, really. I mean I guess it makes sense because BEAST can’t always throw a hero at us but come on. The most exciting that happened was that some guys had crossbows.

    That’s like going on vacation and saying that the most exciting thing that happened was that you went to a convenience store a minute away from your hotel room.

    Still, having to handicap myself a bit so as to not kill the troops was... Well it was a thing I guess.

    Also what’s up with this place and the cities sounding like food? Is it just something that happens?

    “We’ve finally arrived.” Himiko said once we set foot within Cebu. “So, Cook-san, where is your friend? Is she hiding somewhere?” Just then the earth started shaking. “Wha-What’s this rumbling...?!”

    “Cook!” Running towards us, with a honest-to-god dust cloud billowing behind her, was a girl with red short hair, a fancy european navy vest thing like James has and... she was only wearing a swimsuit and boots. Like, not like Kublai who went around in a bikini thingamabob. No it was just a standard white schoolish swimsuit.

    And you know what’s the worse part?

    It actually makes sense.

    “I’ve endured through effort and spi-” The girl continued without stopping.


    Until Cook took aim and shot her right in the head, the blow exploding and slamming her on the ground.

    “The special explosive bullet I prepared for today exploded just like it should.” Cook looked very pleased to herself.

    A few seconds later Swimsuit Girl stood back up, not a single wound on her. “Cook, that hurt.” She complained.

    “Even with an explosive... You’re unharmed.” The bespectacled woman gaped. “You really are crazy. You must have a fetish for this stuff.” She sighed. “I was worried for nothing.”

    “So,” I tilted my head, “This is Magellan? Magellan Magellan Magellan Magellan, uh... First one to sail around the world? Could’ve sworn I had a project on her once...”

    “That’s right! I’m Magellan, Cook’s best friend!”

    “We’re nothing of the sort.” Cook protested.

    “Effort and spirit are what give us strength! Thanks to the Circumnavigating Shot No.2, we were able to endure!” Magellan continued. “Watch this, my secret, lethal technique! I’ve named it... the Vanishing Ball!”

    She picked up a cannonball one-handed, pulled back her arm... and then threw it at the ocean so fast it was like the projectile was shot by a cannon, resulting in a distant column of water like a real cannonshot.

    “This is a triumph of friendship! I thought of it after seeing Cook holding her rifle!”

    “What is she, a human cannon?” Himiko sounded both shocked and fascinated.

    “Don’t you know Himiko? In our hearts there’s always the canon of emotion!” I paused, “Lance- Fuck she’s not here.”

    “Our friendship, Cook, gave me strength! Headquarters is sure to give us a scolding now!” Magellan sounded oddly cheerful.

    “Annoying...” Cook scowled. “...As long as you’re alright, Magellan, I guess it’s bearable.”

    “Cook! Thank y-” She was shot again. “It hurts to be shot by surprise...”

    “Are you trying to hide your embarrassment?” Yoshi asked with a knowing smile.

    “Yoshi, do you perhaps sympathize with Cook?” I said, putting my hand to my mouth. “Could it be, you feel the same way towards hanging out with Himiko and I?!”

    “Don’t be silly Chen.” She flashed a cool smile. “I don’t need to hide what doesn’t exist.”

    “That... I am not sure how to interpret that...” Himiko mumbled.

    “Now then. My thanks to the Zipang forces for helping us all this time.” Cook moved next to Magellan-and pointed her rifle at me. “Yesterday’s friend is today’s enemy. This shot signals our proclamation of w-”

    “Circumnavigating Shot No.3!”

    Magellan grabbed Cook from behind and performed a backdrop wrestling move.

    Mhh, mhh, What should I do in this situation huh? Huuuuh?

    Slowly, I walked over to where Cook was being pinned down by Magellan and leaned in before a dumbass smile blossomed on my face. “Friiiiieeeenndshiiiiiiip?~”

    “That’s right Cook! We’re friends with the Zipang army now!” Magellan fiercely declared.

    “N-No, we just asked for their cooperation temporarily...” Cook tried to protest.

    “Joining hands with a former stranger to fight a threat to peace and prosperity... Gets you fired up, doesn’t it!?” Her pupils, probably as an effect of her Brave, turned into literal flames. I wonder if I could do that. “Now, we’ll restore peace to the South Seas together! I’ll give my strength to aid Zipang in their mission!”

    “J-Just listen to me first-!”

    “WHO CARES!” Cook was subjected to another backdrop. “Oh, how disappointing Cook! We’ve got to protect this golden situation! We’ll defeat the Unknown Army by uniting together! We’ll drive them back with the strength of our friendshi-Cook?”

    The bespectacled girl was out cold.

    “Huh? You’ll catch a cold sleeping in a place like this.”

    “Well, ignoring that for now!” I exclaimed, running over to pull the red head to her feet before throwing my arm around her. “We’re friends now I guess! Magellan Magellan Mahjellen? Mag? Meg? Gah, whatever! I’ll just call you Mazero! It’s the worst kinda nickname but I can’t deny that it fits!”

    “Friends can call each other however they like! No matter the word used, it will always mean FRIEND!” Magellan declared. “I’ll call you Francisco! Cool name, isn’t it?!”

    “I guess I’m spanish now! Wait, Is Francisco spanish? It sounds like a spanish name!”

    “It’s Portuguese! I’m Portuguese after all!” She smiled. “You need to visit my country Francisco, you’ll adore it!”

    “What am I even looking at?” Himiko wondered.

    “I do not mean to interrupt your bonding time.” Yoshi looked in the distance. “But they are signaling BEAST reinforcements are coming.”

    “Mazero!” I yelled, pointing out into the sea. “FRIENDSHIP CANON HO!”

    “Gotcha! Then I’ll attack from over there! Do you best on that side! Let’s get our butts moving!” She grabbed Cook and sped off in her chosen direction.

    ...I sighed before turning to face Yoshi and Himiko. “Maaan, that girl has energy for days.”



    Chen: I am uncertain as to weather this Mage- Fuck it, I dunno weather Mazero has actually circled the world or not. I don’t think she has but her attack names indicate differently.
    Alex: Maybe she’s dreaming of doing it. Or maybe... the ones who did the circumnavigating are the balls she tossed?
    Chen: ...Heh. But Himiko, she doesn’t have the balls.
    Alex: Not yet.
    Someone in the distance: “WHAT?!”

    Alex: Oops, there’s a crack in the Fourth Wall. Gotta remember to repair it.
    Chen: Maybe the studio will give us enough budget to revamp this segment. Till next time!
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
  14. korat56

    korat56 Experienced.

    Mar 27, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Ridden is the correct word here.
    Alexander and EvaUnit01 like this.
  15. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

    Jun 11, 2013
    Likes Received:
    I surprisingly like this Magellan.
    Alexander likes this.
  16. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

    Jul 19, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Alexander likes this.
  17. Iron Roby

    Iron Roby Getting out there.

    Dec 2, 2016
    Likes Received:
    No suspiciously specific denial here, sir.

    The continuing formation of the legend of King Chen the Weirdo Whisperer.
  18. EmpirePlayer

    EmpirePlayer Anyone need some chaos?

    Mar 4, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Ah, ES! Magellan. Can take hits that would kill almost anyone and still truck on without a care in the world.

    Also, walking cannon. Can't forget that. With arms like that, girl could prolly punch really good too. Despite her arms looking noodly as all hell.
  19. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

    Jul 19, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Hey! What'd ya mean "continuing"?!

    Hadiz, Iron Roby, Alexander and 2 others like this.
  20. Threadmarks: Chapter 40: Heat Haze

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

    Apr 24, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Chapter 40: Heat Haze


    I sighed as I looked out at the ocean after what was probably going to be one of the last battles of the South Sea campaign. “Hey Yoshi? When you think of the south sea you usually think of pirates, right?”

    “Actually, I never did. But I guess that pirates are a reasonable concern when traveling through sea.” She replied. “Why do you ask?”

    “Because when you think of pirates what’s the first word that comes to mind?! No, wait, don’t answer that! The first word that comes to mind is obviously: ADVENTURE!” I threw a fist in the air. “AND DAMMIT WE’RE LACKING ANY OF THAT HERE! Come on! With all the other campaigns there were at least interesting people to meet but BEAST isn’t even trying to make the sea not seem boring!”

    “I can think of many reasons for that, but I’ll say this instead: don’t complain about nonsense stuff.” She shook her head. “Yes, until now BEAST’s sole advantage has been their larger reservoir of troops, but numbers can compensate for only so much. And if they have to resort to brainwashing to gain troops... well, that speaks volumes of their approval rating among basically everyone.”

    “What if, and hear me out here.” I held up my hands, “We get Lancelot, throw her into the ocean, and then say that whatever fish she catches will be cooked by the bests chefs we can find.”

    “...Provided she can swim, I can see it being motivational enough for her to develop a bare-handed fishing technique.” She answered after a few moments of thinking it through. “The real question is: why? And no, ‘because it’s funny’ doesn’t count.”

    “I was thinking that the chaos she causes would be an interesting show to see, plus you know.” My grin wasn’t demonic, no surrey. “I may or may not have been thinking of suckering the older heroes into a few bets.”

    “The depths of your out-of-the-box thinking never cease to amaze me.”

    “I’ll have you know I think on the box.” My hands clenched into fists. “Okay Yoshi! When we get back we’re going to be brainstorming ways to make up for the lack of excitement that this campaign had!”

    She looked up at the sky, then away from me, and finally back at me. “My answer is a tentative yes. Please, don’t make me regret it.”


    After a lot of boring battles on both land and sea we finally arrived in the last area of the South Seas still under BEAST’s control: New Guinea and its only city, Port Moresby.

    And finally, we found some difficulties.

    “That place was built on a natural fort.” Yoshi commented as we observed the city from afar. “It’ll be difficult to launch an attack.”

    “An astute observation.” Marco observed. “I looked into it a bit, but the defenses from the front are solid. It’s unforgiving as it looks.”

    “Aside from the front, the rest is surrounded by reefs and sunken rocks.” Tama added. “Sadly our ships weren’t build for that, so circling around and cutting in would be difficult.”

    “And a frontal assault would just leave us open for possible enemy reinforcements, since they know this area better than us.” Sun finished.

    “Sorry, but Port Moresby is the only area we didn’t have time to explore before BEAST took it.” Cook explained. “I know as much as you do.”

    “So front is out, sides and back our out... “ Hm, the only thing that comes to mind is… “A range assault? No wait, BEAST literally doesn’t know the meaning of surrender… Sleeping gas bombing? I don’t even know if we can do that.”

    “We can’t. Stay realistic. Still, it is a port…” Sun looked at the provisory map Tama made. “If we there was an access on the North we could travel from Guam or Cebu and mount an assault there.” She pointed to a peninsula north of Port Moresby. Cook, Magellan: do you think you can find one?”

    “With my Resolution and Magellan’s Trinidad, there’s no sea that we can’t explore.” She smiled in a pleased manner. “Just give us a few escort vessels and some time.”

    “Alright, now remember this.” I turned to Mazero, “You can do anything with the power of friendship.”

    “Don’t forget effort!”

    “Please don’t encourage her…”

    I grinned at James.


    “Chen, can we talk?” Ashoka asked me while we were waiting on the EU girls for results. Following her were also Sanzou and Lu, though the latter looked like she was just going along with the flow.

    “Those are ominous words.” I shot back instinctively, “Those are the kind of words to which the usual reply is ‘I have a bad feeling about this’.”

    “I assure you, it is nothing ominous.” She smiled kindly. “I merely wish to discuss with you the project I mentioned before. It is my intention to build Pillars of the Law all around India. They’re, ah, they’re stone pillars with carvings about the teachings of dharma and historical events.”

    “Okay, now,” I turned to the busty redhead, “Now why are you here? Like no offense but, you-you guys aren’t a trio. Sanzou and Ashoka are like kind of a duo but you uh, you don’t really fit if you know what I mean.”

    “It’s what I’m been trying to tell her all this time.” She pointed at Sanzou. “She kept calling me Gojyo and insisting she needs to keep a strict eye on me, lest my ‘lecherous’ nature starts taking over. And Sun wouldn’t do anything, saying that this way she can relax.” She shrugged. “It’s not like it’s boring or anything, but this Lu Bu is a little unsure about what she should do.”

    “Oh! Right!” I had been avoiding Sanzou for so long I had completely forgotten about that. It was the moment that really sunk in that I covered my mouth and began giggling. “You, lecherous… Should I be worried about Shi's chastity?”

    Oh god I can’t stop the laughing.

    She tilted her head in confusion. “Not really? This Lu Bu likes men, not women.”

    “Lying is bad, Gojyo.” Sanzou admonished her. “I remember very well how fond you are of young maidens.”

    “And I keep telling you, my name is Lu Bu. Shi and Sun confirmed it several times.”

    My chuckling turned to full blown laughter, “Pft, should we call you the Night Devil of Taika? Protect your maidens from the she-devil that is Lu Bu less they fall into sin? Hahaha!”

    “We’re getting off-topic…” Ashoka had an awkward expression. “I know Sanzou can be a little difficult to deal with at times, but her heart is in the right place, so please bear with her.”

    “This Lu Bu will do her best.”

    “Thank you. Now Chen, about my proposal… will you allow it?”

    “Oh yeah, sure. I don’t really have anything against it. Just write up the details on a piece of pa- No wait that’d mean it would go through the nightmare that is bureaucracy. Uh, you’re gonna have to run it by Yoshi. I mean it’s fine by me but she might point something out, just don’t use my permission to bulldoze it through and it should be good? Yeah that sounds right.”

    I could king I swear.


    “We’ve returned!” Mazero declared as they appeared within the building. She and Cook looked like they went through very rough times, and there was a giant straw casket behind them. “And we bear gifts!”

    “Uh....” I let out as I looked at the casket. “You… Okay um, what did you do?”

    “You don’t want to know. You really don’t want to know.” Cook muttered with utter seriousness.

    “We found a safe sea route from Guam to the north of Port Moresby. Well, it’s safe now! It turned out the reason BEAST don’t patrol those waters it’s because they were infested with giant sea serpents!”

    “I lost count of the times I was almost swallowed…” Cook muttered again. “Annoying, annoying, annoying…”

    “Okay so uh I’m just going to ignore the fact that A) Giant Sea Serpents exist and B) You guys just pulled some shit straight out of what, Irish myth? Actually I think it’s Norse- You know what whatever uh.” Think think think, “Hey Cook, I have a question.”

    “Annoying, annoying… What is it? ...Annoying, so annoying…”

    “Uh so,” How do I put this… “Isn’t James a boy's name?”

    “Annoying… Well, yes.” She shrugged, the light returning to her eyes. “But you see, in Europe it’s custom to choose a baby’s name before they are born… doesn't make sense, I know, but midwives’ traditions.”

    “Oh so they thought you were gonna be a boy?”

    “Yes. And between eight children, they got it right seven times.” She pointed at herself. “Guess who’s the unlucky eight?”

    “Eight siblings- Oh that’s right people used to have as many children as they could…” I shuddered, “Yeesh, that’s a lot of siblings. Final question, you ever been to this place called Hawaii? Island chain in the middle of the pacific?”

    “Hawaii? Lovely place, if a bit wild.” She nodded. “It was a short visit to map out the sea routes, but the locals were friendly… maybe too friendly. What does ‘Everyone Hau'oli’ ever mean, I wonder…?”

    “Oh did you come in that ship with a white sail? Yeah they thought you were one of their gods.” I waved, “Long story short there’s a myth that one of their gods went out to sea in a boat to go look for things or something. Anyways yeah, by pure coincidence the white sail/flag thing was the sign of their god and you know, you had things from Europe so…. mystery solved?”

    “...That would explain some things, yes.”

    Meanwhile Mazero climbed up to the top of the casket and removed the top. “Francisco! Observe this beauty!” She lifted up a giant blue serpen-

    And nope.

    I turned back to James, “On the bright side, it’s not every day you can convince people that you’re the face of god.”

    If I acknowledge that it exists right in front of me my worldview will break so I’d rather keep all the fantasy creatures to a linguistic level.


    Operation: Sea Surprise.

    Objective: Launch a surprise attack on Port Moresby.

    Current Status: Uh…

    “Where,” I began, my eyes sweeping across the deserted city. “The hell is everyone?”

    Have you ever heard of a Ghost Town? Towns where all sign of humans have vanished? That was the most apt way to describe the city of Port Moresby. There was just… no one. In fact, I’m not even sure if there were any animals in this city beyond mere insects.

    The entire place was just empty, and judging by the buildings it had been that way for a long time. Weeks at the minimum, maybe even months.

    It was…. eerie. My nerves were on edge and I couldn’t help but feel like I had just been dragged into a B-List horror game. Maybe if there was just some sign of noise beyond that of my troops I could relax a bit, but all I had was silence.

    And boy was it deafening.

    “C-Could we be walking into a trap…?” Himiko wondered aloud, clearly also unnerved by the scene.

    “That’s… bad.” I muttered, taking Kusanagi out of it’s sheath and going on full guard. “Your standard BEAST soldier literally doesn’t have the mind to pull off a trap like this. Which could only mean-”

    There was a shake, a violent rumble that made me feel like I was holding fire in my hands. My eyes glanced down to Kusanagi only to see the metal blade vibrating so fast it looked like it was cutting the air.

    And the air… It was hot. A burning presence snaked through the town threatening to eat all of us alive.

    The worst part was how familiar it was.

    With a cold sigh I glared at the empty street before uttering a name. “Yamata.”

    “To sense my presence, your strength has grown a little… unlike your brain.” With the sound of a liquid pouring into a container colors came into existence and gathered to form the figure of Yamata.

    “...Ah…” Himiko and the others gasped at the sudden appearance, though none lowered their weapons.

    “If you had taken one more step you would have been cut down by my sword, but it seems you won’t go down so easily.” She grinned, as if she was in complete control of the situation.

    “So, you were waiting for us huh.” My eyes twitched as a feeling of my own warmth began to spread from my chest. I still hadn’t gotten used to this whole aura thing but… I didn’t need to think about it now. “I’m surprised you bothered.”

    “I will never stop, not as long as you’re King of Zipang, not as long as you delude yourself that you’re on top of the world. Why the Kusanagi is even awakened when in your grasp, I cannot fathom.”

    “Takeru!” Himiko took a loud step forward, stick pointed at Yamata with determination. “No, you’re not Takeru: you’re just an imposter using my friend’s body and defiling her memory! Show your pendant! We’ll destroy it and end BEAST’ brainwashing!”

    “BEAST… Gah ah ah ah! Is that what you’re calling us? Ridiculous.” She took out and showed the pendant still around her neck. “This, is a symbol of chaos. The existence that rules the darkness. A secret society that operates in this world behind the curtains… This is the mark of the Illuminati!”

    ...I couldn’t help it. A laugh escaped my mouth, “The Illuminati? Are you serious?! Snrk, that’s just… Pathetic.”

    She reacted as if she didn’t even hear me, calmly putting back the pendant under her clothes. “My name is Yamato Takeru. As a Hero of Zipang, I chose to side with the Illuminati. Since then, as a member of this secret society, I’ve been fighting you all along.”

    “Why does Chen-y keep laughing?” BenBen asked as I visibly shook.

    “Would you take this seriously, you damn brat?!” Yamata suddenly shouted causing me to laugh even louder.

    “Look, sister, just say your piece and then go down already.” Nobu commented with a devil-may-care grin, her musket pointed at Yamata. “That this guy isn’t taking you seriously means you aren’t the big threat you believe you are. Make peace with that.”

    “It was all… an Illuminati plot… AHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Oh, Oh my god my sides! “And, and you tried to sound so important when you said it! Haha! Holy shit, you’re like a kid trying to boast about how “Cool” he is! You’re a walking punchline! Hahahaha!”

    “...Obviously I got my hopes up.” The heat from Yamata’s aura suddenly increased as she slowly took out her sword, a near perfect copy of Kusanagi. “I’ll just kill you now and say the rest at your funeral! Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade! Take form, TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!

    Okay, I can’t handle this. EMIYA suppress that humor for a second I can’t take her seriously.

    Learn about priorities next time.

    Look into my world for a bit and you’ll get the joke.

    Anyways right right. “Ahem. Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade. Any- Fuck it, too long. Stand by my side, TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!”

    The warrior of fire emerged, standing proudly on even height with the dragons of Yamata.

    “Fuck me!” Nobu stepped back, the heat from both manifestations rolling out in waves and billowing like a storm. “How do we step into that?!”

    “Just back me up if it looks like things are going to shit!” I replied, “Unless you can pull a Demon King of the Sixth Heaven and summon a giant skeleton out of your ass I don’t think you can join in on this!”

    “I will learn how to do it just to prove you wrong!”

    “Save the talking for later!” Yoshi gestured for the troops to back away. “Sun Tzu! Kanemoto! Shi Huang!”

    “Ready!” The strategist cheerfully replied before opening her scroll, Brave gathering around herself. Maragi (That’s who Kanemoto was?) and Shi were doing the same, their techniques being released on the battlefield like waves of light. Instantly I felt more strong and durable, while Yamata’s dragons seemed to shrink a little.

    “Guh! Having allies will not help you!” She swung her sword, two dragons coming at me from opposite directions.

    Shadowing my own movement, the warrior slashed everything in front of it, creating a wave a fire that landed right in the jaws of the two dragons. Despite not hitting anything myself, I could still feel the impact against the Kusanagi. “But having allies… might’ve helped you!”

    “I don’t need allies to deal with you!” She came down on me from above, having evidently jumped immediately after her first attack. Flames were spinning around her sword, forming a maelstrom.

    With my heart thumping against my chest I grabbed as much Brave as I could and pushed it into the Kusanagi until it covered the metal. It might have been a trick of the light but I swore at the moment the fire looked as sharp as knives.

    A loud boom rang throughout the air as fire on fire and steel on steel collided. My opponent had gravity on her side, boring down on me.

    I had a midget with green hair on my own.

    Her sword slid off mine as I pushed myself to parry the blade, only for her blow to flow into a second one from below, Yamata aiming to slice under Kusanagi.

    As fast as I could I bent my knees to try to cover the blow but it still hit my armor.

    It hurt, it hurt a lot. I’m not sure if I was actually being burned or not but I grit my teeth to prevent myself from screaming out. I endured, struggling to slide the blow off me and end the pain.

    A green light washed over me, soothing the pain, though I could still feel it’s echoes. “Don’t give up Onii-san!” Himiko shouted. “I wouldn’t bet a single golden coin on you if it was Takeru, but there is no way you can lose to this impostor!”

    Well when she puts it like that…

    “Dammit… Dammit!” I growled as I yelled words I didn’t think I world ever say again, “GO-SHINTAI!”

    The warrior above me yelled out a loud scream as he slammed into me, creating a pillar of pure fire that lit up the surrounding area. With a scream of as much anger I could muster within me, I cut through the blinding light and revealed myself, clad in the armor of the warrior from before.

    “You know…” I began, my eyes twitching. “You said something earlier that really got on my nerves. You claimed I had deluded myself into thinking that I was on the top of the world, but you’re wrong. Out of everyone here I’m the one who deserves to be here the least. I don’t have strength, leadership, an air of grandeur, or even any real brains. I’m the most pathetic person here, and god fuckign dammit do I know it!”

    “And it would be so goddamn easy to just let the Counter Force do all the work for me! To give me strength and powers whenever I needed to pull a win out of my ass, to feel cool about doing so! That’s why I was so amazed and happy when I got this technique.” Yeah, even now it still kind of felt awesome to use. “But! As time went on I realized one thing: Even someone like me still has their pride. So I sealed it away, determined never to make that damn bastard save me at the last moment ever again.”

    I grit my teeth and glared at her as hard as I could, “Then you pissed me off more than anyone else, so you know what? To hell with my pride. I’ll roar, bite, and fight no matter what I have to do, until the fire within me runs out. I still don’t know why the Kusanagi chose me of all people but...”

    I pulled the blade in front of me as the fires burned brighter than I had ever seen it before. “On this beating heart of mine, I swear I’ll kick your ass!”

    “...” Yamata just stared at me, eyes completely opened as the light reflected over her orange eyes. “...How strange. My rage is dwindling down, and in its place is a rising feeling of… excitement? I see, it must mean that this is finally a battle worth fighting. It must mean that you are finally someone worth cutting down.”

    She raised her blade above her head, as if getting ready to split apart the whole world. “I will call forth the trembling of the earth to rain down its fire. Now, drown in my strength!”

    “Sorry to cut in just when you’re having fun, but I cannot allow it.” Balin’s voice cut through the rising tension moments before she appeared in the same manner as Yamata. “Your time is up. Looks like it was over before it began.”

    My face hardened, “Are you fucking serious.”

    “I wish I wasn’t. But fucking orders from above are fucking orders from above.” She grumbled. “Nice to meet you again, Servant of Heaven. Looks like you’re not torn to pieces yet. That’s a relief.”

    Yamata glared at Balin, the remaining dragons switching to a new target. “...Do you intend to get in my way?”

    “Unfortunately, yes. Pull out of here and leave those guys alone.”

    “…” Yamata’s sword moved in a subtle but threatening way, shifting ever so slightly to better strike at Balin.

    If the redhead noticed it she didn’t seem to care. “Hello hello? Are you listening to me? I’m pissed too that I’m just being used as a messenger this time. Recover your strength and return home.”

    “And if I say no?” The copy of Kusanagi found themselves a few millimeters from Balin’s jugular.

    “Then Mu herself will come here to discipline your ass. You want that, be my fucking guest.” Balin grinned like a shark.

    Yamata sneered, remaining silent for a few seconds before sheathing her blade. “You’re lucky this time, brat. Enjoy this land… and this brief happiness.”

    “See you later! The next time we meet I’ll slice you all up good.” Balin calle out. “If you’re still alive, that is.”

    And just like that they were gone.

    ...A few seconds past in silence before I flicked Kusanagi, the fires turning to ash, and sheathed the blade. Almost dreading what I would face, I turned around to the other heroes and sighed. “....I…”

    The rest of the words died in my mouth as I looked away.

    “Takeru… she’s fine.” Himiko whispered, a relieved tone in her words. “She’s alive. And… even though it was only just a moment, I think she remembered us. Onii-san… next time, let’s save Takeru.”

    “I guess…” A sigh escaped my lips, “Let’s just, finish this campaign and head home.”

    “Hey brat.” Nobu walked up to me and rested a hand on my shoulder. “Just so you know, your pride is not something which is as small and easily shaken as you believe. It takes balls of steel to say the things you called me with.” She grinned. “If anything, takes pride in your courage.”

    “Thanks, I guess.” A small smile crossed my face, “But if pointing out the obvious is all there is to it I'm afraid it’s a lower bar than you believe.”

    “Oh, I don’t know.” Nobu’s grin didn’t falter even as she jammed her musket into my side. “Here I am, ready to open you a new asshole, and you’re still trying your hardest to make me pull the trigger. What is that if not courage?”

    “Heh, I guess you have half of a point.” Wait. “Oh you’re serious about blowing your load all over me.”


    “Himiko I’m leaving the rest to you! Everyone else, run like your life depends on it!”

    The sound of gunfire managed to drown my worries for a while.


    Notes temporarily closed due to renovations. - Management
  21. Threadmarks: Chapter 41: Yellow Submarine

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

    Apr 24, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Chapter 41: Yellow Submarine


    “Difficult to connect as always…” Cook mumbled while working on a strange machine-like contraption.

    “Cook, pull back! I’ll try to hit it on a diagonal 45 degree angle!” Mazero proclaimed.

    “T-This is a precision instrument! If I leave it to you, it’ll be crushed to pieces!” Cook put herself between the redhead and the machine. “Just give me a bit longer… just a bit…”

    “So uh… What is this?” I blinked, “Are you trying to get a signal or something?”

    “Basically, yes. This is the rare work of the EU’s genius inventor, Leonardo Da Vinci.” She explained. “The communication stones are limited in number, so she developed this. It’s different from the stones, so connecting can be a pain.”

    “Don’t Touch! Dangerous!” Himiko read aloud the labels as she peered closer. “Is it really? ...There sure are a lot of buttons and knobs…”

    “That’s the self destruct button.” Cook casually mentioned when Himiko’s fingers hovered above a certain button. “Please don’t press that.”

    “Who the hell builds a self-destruct button in a communicati- Fuck it, why would you blow up a radio?!”

    “Hiii!” Himiko jumped back in fright.

    “According to Leonardo, apparently self destruct buttons are essential to machines. But according to her explanation, it will only end up with your hairs blowing up into an afro.”

    “...Someone tell her that the point of machines is that they don’t fucking break on you.” I waved my fists in the air.

    “Ah, it’s connecting!” Mazero announced.

    “Hello, European Union headquarters.” A female voice spoke from the speakers, only some static disturbing the line.

    “This is Cook and Magellan from the EU’s South Seas branch!”

    Ohhh it’s a telephone.

    A sigh. “Just when I thought it might be you two. I was worried: your scheduled reports were late.”

    “Apologies! We were actually attacked by BEAST-” Mazero began to say before Cook’s hands covered her mouth.

    “D-Don’t tell her unnecessary details!” Cook harshly whispered. “You’ll get us in even more trouble!”

    “What did you say?” Now the voice sounded suspicious. “There’s too much noise. I can’t hear you.”

    “W-We’ve been in tough battle after tough battle, so the reports were delayed. But they’ve since been resolved, so we were able to contact you.” Cook explained.

    “Good work. I was worried that unification was so close at hand, only for those people to appear out of nowhere and start messing things up...”

    “Whose voice is that...?” Himiko wondered.

    “Yo pass the line to me.” I waved.

    My question immediately caused Cook to panic and wave her hands in denial.

    “So, since you’ve contacted me, it means it’s over? You don’t seem down, so you must have something good to report. Let’s hear it: this is a direct order from the EU Leader Napoleon, so out with it.”

    Alright I’m just gonna go talk to her myself. I stepped forward a bit and tried to get near where Cook was on the speakers. She tried to put herself between me and it.

    I turned to frantically gesture at Mazero in a series of hand movements that I hoped sent the message to help me out here.

    “Cook, Magellan?” Napoleon asked again while the redhead picked up Cook and performed a backdrop wrestling move again. “I’m waiting.”

    A bit nervous, I took Cooks place before speaking into the machine. “Um, hi?”

    “...I don’t recognize that voice. Who I am speaking with?”

    “Ah, this is Chen Miyafuji of Zipang. Eh, some things happened and the nation of Thailand came to us one day and requested to join our nation.” I scratched my cheek, “They wanted us to help unite the South Seas as well so we came down here and ended up working with Cook and Maghellen since we have had experience with the other guys in the past.”

    “Zipang? ...I see. Cook, Magellan: is that true?”

    “That’s right!” Mazero shouted. “We were in a pinch, so we requested Zipang’s assistance. As a result almost all of the South Sea has been occupied by Zipang! They’re all great people, so we felt right at home! And the food is delicious!”

    “...” Napoleon didn’t answer, the silence foreboding.

    I feel like I made a mistake.

    “Ah.. Ah…” Cook was sweating like crazy. “That is... an accurate summary of what happened…”

    “Cook. Magellan.”


    “Erm… Y-Yes? What is it?”

    “Those who fail must receive an appropriate punishment—it’s written in my textbook.” Napoleon’s tone was even. “Press the yellow button, Cook.”

    “This one?” Mazero immediately pressed it, making Cook yelp.

    A hole opened on the top of the device, light coming out as the translucent figure of a woman appeared above it like a hologram. She was an orange haired, blue eyed, no-nonsense allowed looking woman who starred sternly at us like she was about to hit us all the way from Europe. Her choice of clothing was a very decorative naval outfit (sword included) and somehow she managed to get her hair to trail off into these little twirls.

    “Woah!” I yelled, falling backwards before picking myself up and taking a few steps back from the machine. “Ahahaha… whoops.”

    Man, and I thought Arthur looked like an Otome game villainess on first glance.

    “Wa-wa-wa! A woman just suddenly appeared!” Himiko looked just as shocked.

    “So you are the ruler of Zipang.” Napoleon’s expression softened slightly, offering me a polite smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

    “Ah, it’s nice to meet you as well.” I nodded, “Was Cook not supposed to get us involved?”

    “It’s not your alliance the problem. The fact that now the South Seas are under Zipang’s control, now that is the problem. Nonetheless, Cook and Magellan are friends who have served me until now. I must thank you for helping them.”

    “P-Past tense…” Cook gulped. “I have only bad feeling about this…”

    “If I might ask, was their contribution useful?”

    “Well, uh. Let me think back for a moment…” Hm, if I remember correctly. “Yeah there were times when the Illumi- er, sorry those guys are the Illumi-pft. The Illuminati. Anyways they’ve helped us fight them off when there were too many and we did a pincer attack on them together so… yes?”

    “Ah, then I’m not worried. Cook, Magellan.”

    Oh god they’re fired aren’t they.



    Napoleon’s smile turned into a frown completely devoid of mercy. “You’re fired.”

    Cook turned as pale as a ghost, while Mazero just laughed. “Ahaha! I guess we’re fired!”

    “You’re hired.” I said as quick as I could.

    “See? There’s a country that’s looking for naval captains and is willing to hire you two. Now your scheduled reports are done forever. Work hard in your new post.” Napoleon finished before the hologram disappeared.

    “...Whaaat…” Cook muttered, looking like she was in a trance.

    “You did it, Cook!” Mazero hugged her friend. “Now I can fully focus on completing the Circumnavigating Shot No.3!”

    “...I’m speechless. At least I still have a job…”

    Suddenly Napoleon appeared again. “Ah, that’s right. I forgot to mention it, but this communicator will self-destruct automatically. Get away now while you can.” The hologram disappeared again, replaced by a loud beeping sound.


    “WAWAWAHHHH! It’s gonna explode!”

    The explosion was very loud, though also weak. At the end my ears were ringing, my clothes were singed and everyone but me (‘cause my hair are too short) had an afro now.

    “Oh.” I let out weakly, “Now I see why there’s a self-destruct button.”

    “Ahahahah!” Mazero laughed. “Everyone’s got an afro now! Looking soulful!”

    “My hair… is an afro…” Himiko was on the verge of crying.

    “...Looking forward to work under you…” Cook managed to say before fainting.


    All’s well that ends well I guess. With Cook and Mazero joining our team, we had ended the south seas campaign and returned to our normal lives while prepping for the next one.

    Well, as normal as you can be when you’re the king of a fricken empire- Oh god am I World War 2 Japan? I’m World War 2 Japan aren’t I?

    Wait, no no no. I’m totally not World War 2 Japan I swear. Ignore the expanding Zipang empire please.

    Right, right, anyways, at the moment I had returned to Zipang to go do paperwork and stuff. Honestly I don’t think our conquest had changed the streets of this city much, it still seemed to be almost the same as when I first arrived.

    But well, this time I wasn’t running around with alcohol.

    I knocked on the door. “Hey, you home?”

    “Come on in.” Sei’s voice answered from within.

    I opened the now familiar door to her shop and walked in, placing the bag of food I had been sent to get on the counter, “I got your fried tofu… Is Tama not here today?”

    “Ohhh, I’m glad!” She picked up the bag with a large smile. ”You listened to my little whim. No, Tada-chan has yet to pass by today. That girl keeps working without hardly takin’ a break, I should help her relax somehow. Well, that can wait for now.”

    “Right, we heading to the yard today? It’s warm enough outside.”

    “Gladly. I’ll show you how good of a hostess I can really be. Oh, but before that there is something I want to show you.” She clapped her hands, and in response her Shikigami brought from the back of the shop a large Greek vase. “Go on, take a look inside.”

    “....Um,” Yeah, what. “You realize that if there’s a vase of some special origin I have to be extra cautious because if I wasn’t I’d probably end up like a mouse or something? Because that’s a suspicious vase…. You know what fuck it.”

    Let me be said I was never one to make smart decisions!

    Throwing all caution to the wind I looked inside the vase only to find… A sheep head and some golden fur- Wait a fucking minute.

    “Holy shit it’s the Golden Fleece!” I exclaimed, stepping backwards before looking at Sei, “Why?! How?!”

    “Ara, so you know what it is. I was hoping you would.” She nodded while looking pleased. “I found it while looking over Youkai’s activities and bought it. I can sense it’s an item of great power, but not much else beyond that.”

    “Yeah, it’s uh. Very, very, very, fucking powerful. If I recall correctly.” My thoughts banged around in my head as I tried to recall the specifics on the golden fleece. “It might not be though. I know that it was part of a Greek Heroes quest but I can’t remember which one exactly… Hercules? Uh, maybe that was Jason. Not Odysseus and definitely not Achilles…”

    “I know Greece is located in Europe, but sadly that’s the extent of my knowledge.” She picked up the fur and ran a hand across it. “Like I said, it’s an item of great power. From what I could observe it made the Youkai that previously possessed it very popular. Ever since I obtained it, more people than usual have visited my shop.”

    “That uh, wait, could the fleece do that?” It seems a bit off… “ Well, in any case, you should probably get rid of it. Items like these tend to cause more harm in the long term then the good in the short term.”

    “I thought you would want to use it someway, but being cautious is also wise. There are a few isolated temples where I can seal it.” With another clapping of hands the shikigami brought back the vase, while Sei picked up the tofu. “Shall we?”

    “Eh… moving… I just got here…” I groaned, “Can’t we just slap a few seals on it, bury it in the yard, and call it a day?”

    In response she giggled. “My, I was just asking if you were ready to spend some time with me in the yard, but if you insist…”

    “Oh you sly vixen. My books are still on the shelf right?”

    “Of course. But don’t tell me if you want to read instead of spending time with little old me.” Now she pouted.

    I turned to her blank faced, “What is this thing you call reading.”

    That managed to make her grin. “They’re in the same place as always.”

    “On it, see you in the yard!”


    And so we spent like five hours doing nothing before finally bothering to take care of the Greek artifact.

    “Feeling better?” Sei suddenly asked while she replaced the ofuda sealing the old temple’s storehouse. “The meeting with Yamato-dono left you and Himiko quite shaken.”

    “Ah, don’t. Don’t mention that.” I looked away, “I said some embarrassing things back there.”

    “And all the more significant because it’s true.” Her tone was soothing, lacking her usual teasing playfulness. “The part about what you call ‘Counter Force’ anyway. Everything about you being pathetic?”

    She turned around and forced me to look her in the face. “Utterly false. Maybe it’s true that you’re not as talented as the other commanders, but that doesn’t make you pathetic. No one who tries as hard as you can be pathetic.”

    I blinked, before swiping a finger under my eye as if expecting to feel water and yet coming up dry. “Tries... as hard?”

    “Oh sure. You’re cheeky, love to tease others and have no restrain whatsoever when it comes to say what’s on your mind.” She shrugged. “But you know when to ask for help, actually listen to advices even if you grumble a little at first and, most importantly, are aware of your flaws and actively try to correct them. You have been put into a very difficult position, and yet you’re doing your best to deal with it without letting the circumstances drag you down. It takes a very strong heart to do so.”

    “Mmmm…” I nodded before looking back at the sealed temple door, “I can’t exactly say I’ll have a change of heart right now but… I’ll think about it. Also I am very curious as to what else is in there and this is going to bug me all day if I don’t get an answer.”

    “Growing up: such a wonderful journey.” Sei giggled. “What’s inside? Oh, little trinkets like magical stones, cursed weapons, a bottle of Amrita, the Tai Sui and a Greek musical instrument called a lyre. Little odd things like that.”

    “I swear if I find a henshin thing in there…” I scratched my head, “Also I have no idea what half of those names you dropped mean but considering you found the goddamn golden fleece I’m hoping to god that lyre isn’t Orpheus’s.”

    “Well, the seller told me it belonged to the greatest musician of all Greece.” She put a finger over her lips. “Was this Orpheus’ person someone like that?”

    I took a sharp breath, “Ouch, yeah that’s his. Or maybe hers since this timeline loves to genderflip people. The story of Orpheus… Well I can’t remember all the details but he was a very good musician who could charm all the animals and even nature itself with his music but then his wife died and he played a lot of sad songs. Then he was given the chance to go to the underworld and bring his wife back with one condition: He could not look back when he did so and had to walk in front until they were both in the mortal world. So Orpheus goes to the underworld, gets his wife, and brings her back but when he gets out of the underworld he gets so anxious he turns around before his wife makes it out, trapping her in the underworld forever. The End.”

    “Ara, so their version of the tale of Isanagi and Isanami.” Sei remarked with a somber expression. “The dead should be left to rest, but love often makes you do foolish things.”

    “Well, you know, it’s Greek myth. 99% of it ends terribly, so if you don’t die maybe you got turned into a flower, or an animal, or there was even that time when people got turned into a constellation. Or was that just a memorial? Like I said, it’s been a while since I brushed up on the stories.” I sighed, “Well in any case I know for a fact that the Greek Gods have at the very least fucked off from Earth so hey, good news for all of us.”

    She returned to put on ofuda. “So it seems.”


    Well after that little adventure it was about time I kicked back and relaxed-

    “Chen-y!” BenBen rushed into the room. “Benkei brought a letter for you!”

    “Why do you have a- You know what, not gonna ask. Pass that here Benben.”

    “Benkei can do official things too!” She said while passing the letter. “Now Chen-y can compliment me!”

    “Ahem.” I placed a fist to my mouth, “BenBen has gained the title ‘Messenger Girl’!”


    Now let’s see here…

    “Greeting to those receiving this letter. We’re in great trouble. Please help. Pirates have attacked Hawaii and are laying waste to the land. At this rate we’re not going to last long, so please come to our aid. From Kamehameha- OH FUCK!” I shouted, kicking myself into overdrive. “BenBen! Grab everyone and head to the meeting room! Especially Cook!”

    “Yes Sir!” She copied Lancelot’s usual response before dashing out of the room to do as told.

    A few minutes later everyone was in the meeting room, even a few confused servants and a befuddled priest still in the middle of shaving. Lancelot was eating a bunch of bananas.

    “Uh- Um.” I looked at the extras, “You uh, you guys can go if you want sorry for the inconvenience.”

    The servants muttered a quick ‘thank you’ before leaving, the priest giving an odd look to BenBen before doing the same.

    “So, uh, what’s going on Onii-san?” Himiko asked. “Why the urgent meeting?”

    “Well you see.” I held up the letter, “The handwriting is a bit on the bad side, though not as bad as mine, but anyways BenBen came up to me and gave me this letter. Long story short, Hawaii is being attacked by pirates and they’re sending an SOS.”

    “Pirates?” Cook blinked. “It must be the fleets of Drake and Teach. But for Hawaii to send an SOS… they must have step up their game.”

    “Honestly I was thinking it was the Ilumi… Those guys, specifically based on who sent the letter.” I looked at it again, “It’s not like the Ilumin- They haven’t sicked pirates on nations that just unified before. I mean they did it to us.”

    “I see, but the Central and Eastern Pacific are the areas where those two, three if we also counts Kidd, operate. I believe they have founded a Pirate Nation somewhere on the american continent, but until now I have been unable to locate it.”

    “They are very fast! Very difficult to hit!” Mazero enthusiastically waved an arm.

    “I get it now! Hawaii must have heard of Zipang’s many accomplishments, so they decided to request our help!” Himiko jumped to her feet and began to laugh.

    “Er no. I’m pretty sure they just chucked a bottle into the sea and BenBen found it or something.”

    “That’s true! There were also bananas!”

    Bananas that Lancelot was in the process of finishing. “Mangoes, guavas, passion fruit, pineapple… I’m hungry.”

    “Thus all is right in the world.” Nobu rolled her eyes. “I think I know your answer already brat, but what should we do?”

    “Scrap the Australia plans, we’re going to Hawaii!” I exclaimed, “Who’s with me?”

    Everyone was.


    Notes temporarily closed due to renovations. - Management
  22. EmpirePlayer

    EmpirePlayer Anyone need some chaos?

    Mar 4, 2014
    Likes Received:
    I can see Chen getting along well with Napoleon. They seem to be able to be on the same wavelength with each other on some things.
  23. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

    Jul 19, 2015
    Likes Received:
    ...You're joking right?
    Alexander likes this.
  24. Winged One

    Winged One Not the Simurgh

    Jul 16, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Nah, you don't have nearly enough idiotic squabbling to be WW2 Japan. And the horrible war crimes are entirely absent!
    Alexander and RazielofSecrets like this.
  25. RinKaihou

    RinKaihou Lolice Officer

    Sep 22, 2017
    Likes Received:
    The Nero event is going to be the "turned into panties thing" and not the tentacle one, isn't it? Mostly because its the SFW version and this isn't the NSFW section.

    Catboi's reaction to turning into lingerie would be glorious.
  26. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

    Jun 11, 2013
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    If only to the extent that Chen gets along well with Yoshitsune, and Nap seems a great deal stricter than that.
    Alexander and RazielofSecrets like this.
  27. Threadmarks: Chapter 42: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

    Apr 24, 2013
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    Chapter 42: Somewhere Over The Rainbow


    Following Cook’s guidance we left Guam and headed for Hawaii.

    We also got into fights with fucking giant fish and sea serpents on the way there but I continue to avoid looking at them to avoid my view of the world from crashing down to smithereens.

    Look if I start to let anything fly in this world it’s going to drive me insane.

    When we arrived near Hawaii Cook directed the fleet to what she said was the capital, though to be honest the village of huts and shacks was called that because it was the biggest one among the myriads of similar places that dotted the once peaceful islands.

    Oh trust me, I am having the weirdest feeling right now.

    “Look at those ships! See their flag?” Cook pointed at the fleet surrounding the capital, all of them displaying banners with a white skull on a red background, two white swords crossed under it. “Pirates! Only Drake and Teach, the self-proclaimed Pirate King, fly that Jolly Roger!”

    “Huh? Only them? What do you know…” I stared at the flag, “Man I’m so used to seeing that flag in black and white rather than white and red.”

    “The first to use the Jolly Roger was the pirate Black Sam Bellamy.” Cook explained. “When later it was also used by Edward England, it became necessary for every pirate to personalize their own flag in order to avoid confusion.”

    “You uh, you sure know a lot about pirates.” I glanced between the woman and the ships, “The ‘Teach’ wouldn’t happen to be your actually teacher would it?”

    “What?! No! Edward Teach, known all across the Seven Seas as ‘Blackbeard the Pirate’ is one of the most famous pirates worldwide!” She protested. “And knowing about pirates is necessary for every self-respecting sea captain!”

    “Uh-uh.” Nobu loaded a bullet in her musket. “Is he rich?”

    “She, and I believe so… even if pirates are famous for having bottomless pockets.”

    “Good enough. Everything they haven’t stolen here is ours by right of conquest.” The pinkette grinned. “Gods, how I love that law.”

    “Everyone who now considers Nobunaga a legally sanctioned pirate say aye.”

    “Aye!” Said everyone.

    “Oh, piss off. Prepare the boarding parties!” She shouted to the crew. “I want to be able to jump between decks without a bridge! So even if you have to ram our ships into theirs, GET CLOSE!”

    “Nooo! You-You can’t treat a ship like that!” Cook cried, but most people were more scared of Nobu than her.

    “It’s time to fight?! It’s time to fight?!” Mazero asked, a cannon ball already in hand.

    “For-! Uh, Hawaii?” I mean I guess I could go with that but, “Fuck it who wants to punch a pirate in the face?!”

    “Onigiri!” Lancelot shouted, sword held high.

    “Mochi!” BenBen immediately imitated her.

    Yoshi sighed. “Let’s just go…”

    I held my sword up. “POOOIIIIIII!!!!”

    I don’t even eat poi!

    The pirates seemed to be at least partially aware of our arrival, already armed and ready to fight the moment we began the boarding. Their uniforms consisted of tight dark-blue pants, a red jacket and a bandanna. Half of them wore a yellow bandanna, while the other half a blue bandanna… and a cat mask.

    “Um,” I pointed at the cat mask, resisting the urge to say nyaa with all my might, “What is this?”

    “Nyah nyah nyah!” The masked pirates laughed, armed with either sabers or flintlock guns. “Is this the first time you face the crew of Cap'n Teach, greatest pirate in the worldmeow?”

    “And it probably won’t be the last.” I unsheathed my sword, “Though I’m stealing those masks. There’s only room for one cat on the sea meowtherfuckers!”

    “Myeow?! I sense a fellow cat lover.” The pirate in the front raised his sword. “However, our loyalty goes to Cap’n Teach first and foremeow. Horyahmeow!” He yelled before engaging me, his fellow pirates doing the same with the rest of my troops.

    They were fast, quicker on their feat than some of the Indian martial artists, but they weren’t very skilled. Their style was rough and probably self taught. I could punch them in the face and they wouldn’t even have a guard ready.

    Speaking of, I stole that guy's mask, sliced the bottom half off, and threw away the bandana before putting it on as quickly as I could.

    The mask is mine now fucker.

    “Nonono!” Someone shouted a few ships to the left. “So-Someone help me!”

    “Shut up and fight!” Another voice yelled before there was the unmistakable sound of a boot hitting the bottom of someone.

    It was followed by a figure soaring through the air before landing on the deck where I currently was. Said figure turning out to be a greenish yellow haired girl with a red headband on, some knives, and a blue er… well she had tropical island wear on. I don’t know what those things are called? Like a black vest blue pants and, a thing on her chest? Kinda looks like a wrap?

    You know what I mean.

    “Wow.” I blinked, “You look more pirate than anyone else. Like if there was a dictionary your face would be right there next to pirate. In fact, you’re just the definition of pirate.”

    “But I don’t want to be a pirate...” She whined.

    “Vice-Captain Kidd! That’s not one of meoursw!” Another member of the pirate crew warned. “He’s with Zipang!”

    Z-Z-Zipang?!” Screaming in fright the girl crawled backward on all four before standing up, knives in hands and body trembling awfully bad. “Nononono! Please leave me aloneeee!”

    “Nyah?!” I shouted before pointing at the pirate who called me out, “Vice-Captain Kidd! Meow’ve got it all wrong! That meowster’s the one who’s with Zipang! In fact, he broke nyah mask!”

    “Wawawawah?!” She immediately jumped away from the other pirate.

    “Nyah! He’s lying! The meowster is him! He stole the mask and broke it nyahself!” The masked man protested.

    “That’s nya’t true!” I shouted, “That meowster was all ‘hahaha! Zipang will win this fight’ right before nyah very eyes! He attacked me and sliced off nyah mask! Meowr arrival saved me Vice-Captain Kidd!”

    Kidd’s gaze was switching between us so fast it turned into a blur. “I don’t know what’s going on anymoreeeeeee!!”

    “Meow! How dare you try to trick Vice-Captain Kidd, meow!” The real pirate swung his sword at me, a downward swing with both hands aimed at my head.

    I slid to the left to avoid the blow, “Nyah! Vice-Captin Kidd! His lies are nyalling apart! Save nyah~!”


    “KIDD! ARE YOU FIGHTING?!” The same voice that shouted before was heard again.

    “Gyaaaahh!!” The blonde girl let out a panicked yelp before throwing both of her knives: one at me, and the other at the pirate. “Sorrysorrysorrysorry!”

    “NYAH!” I yelled, desperately trying to avoid the knives. “Vice-Captain Kidd!”

    “NYAH!” The pirate was doing the same, albeit with less success. “Nyah got all wrong!”

    “Sorrysorrysorrysorry!” She kept screaming while throwing more knives, the sheaths around her waist magically replenishing themselves every time she drew one.


    That uh, that went on for a while.

    We won though so hey!

    “For a supposed fleet of renowned pirates, they weren’t so strong.” Himiko commented.

    “Pirates specialize in hit-and-run tactics, not prolonged battles. They’re plunderers after all.” Cook said while looking at the liberated city. “Though Drake, Teach and their special troops are the exception. I haven’t seen them however today, did they stay behind to load the spoils?”

    “Well, I heard one of them yell at Kidd to fight.” I paused, “Though I’m pretty sure we all heard that.”

    “Yes, that was Drake’s voice. But I never heard of this Kidd…” She tapped her lips. “And for her to be Vice-Captain, uhm… something’s stink.”

    It was at that moment that a large crowd of people rushed out of the village, surrounding and lifting us in their arms while shouting their thanks for saving them from the pirates.

    “Eeeek!” Himiko shouted.

    “Not again!” Cook complained.

    “Oh shit.” I accurately summarized.


    “Yes yes you’re grateful I get it now please put me down!”


    After the locals were finally done showing their gratitude, they informed us that Kamehameha, after being defeated by the pirates the first time, escaped their custody and went into the forest to enlist the help of the animals. Apparently an ancient tradition of Hawaii’s rulers.

    The more you know.

    Oh, and they also asked our help to rescue all the Guava fruits the pirates stole. Because of course they stole the Guava fruits.

    “So,” I turned towards a certain knight. “We’re about to rescue food from the pirates. How do you feel LanLan?”

    “To the rescue! All that poor food…” She replied while biting into… a Guava’s fruit?

    “Um,” I pointed at the fruit in her hands, “Wait where did you get that?”

    “When I was walking on the beach where we fought the pirates, I smelled something delicious from under the sand. When I dug a little I found all those cases of Guavas. There were some cases filled with gems and gold, but you can’t eat those so I just left them there.” She went back to eating.

    “Oh.” I sighed, “Hey guess what you already rescued the Guava fruit. Your foresight knows no bounds.”

    I am the one with foresight!” Himiko protested. “Lancelot’s just a glutton!”

    “You haven’t used your foresight since Taika! That was like months ago!”

    “Ah! You think I got rusty, aren’t you? I shall prove you wrong right here and now!” Himiko closed her eyes, pressed the tips of her index fingers on her forehead and began to make a ‘mmm’ sound with her mouth. “I see something! I see birds, dogs and… a butt?”

    “The hell are you-” Nobu began before the ground started shaking. “Woah, what’s going on?”

    “An earthquake… No, it doesn’t seem like one.” Yoshi commented. “The ground is shaking strangely, but I wonder what’s causing it?”

    “Wha-What’s that?” Nobu pointed.

    To an absolutely large herd of all animals living on Hawaii, even some that shouldn’t be there like dogs, coming out of the forest like the world’s most primal army.

    I whispered one word.


    Than we scattered like hell as the horde approached us.

    “THE KING IS BACK! THE KING IS BACK!” Far from afraid, the citizens began cheering loudly.

    “Ah, AHHHHH ♩ !” A female voice shouted like Tarzan before I felt something soft landing on my head and driving my face into the sand, my usual instincts strangely absent.

    “Safe landing ♩ ! Nahahahaha!” A cute, young female voice shouted from above me. “Time for my revenge ♩ ! Now I won’t lose to those pirates!”

    “Argh.” I groaned, lifting my head in the air and then quickly rubbing my hand through my hair only to find, to my horror, grains of sand. “Fuck me that’s going to take weeks to wash out.”

    “Ahh! Don’t sit down on Onii-san’s head like that!” Himiko protested.

    “...Hm? Whoa! I not notice! Sorry.” Whoever was sitting on me stood up, allowing me to finally get a good look.

    Her skin was tanned. Like my arms and legs are a bit tanned but her entire body was tanned. Probably because her only clothing amounted to a red and yellow cape, and this weird yellow sash thing with hearts all over it. Also she had green hair with… the flowers of oahu on it huh.

    Crap I don’t remember what it’s called.

    “So.” I blinked, “You’re Kamehameha.”

    “Uhn… Whaaaat!?” Himiko shrieked. “This insolent little girl!?”

    “Nahaha! Thank to you, I was saved!” She smiled brightly. “Instead of cushion, I got your soft and fluffy. Where are pirates? I gathered friends in jungle. Now we drive pirates out. Everyone strong!”

    “King Kamehameha! Those people come and drive pirates away!” One of the local informed her. “They even rescue Guava fruits!”

    “Woha! Really? Who are you?” She bent forward and took a large sniff. “You smell like Hawaii, but don’t dress like Hawaii.”

    “Ah, uh yeah that’s to be expected.” I looked at my clothes. Haha yeah not Hawaiian. “I’m the emperor of the Nation Zipang on the other side of the ocean. Uh, it’s a long story but let’s summarize it for now that though my parents aren’t Hawaiian, I was born and raised on these islands.”

    “We received your request of help and came here to help.” Yoshi explained.

    “You good people!” Kamehameha’s smile turned even brighter. “Letter I wrote fast! Not expecting help. But you came. Kamehameha thanks you. You take this.”

    Before I can even react Kemehameha attempted to hug me and- “Woah woah woah! Back back back! Off off off! AHHHHH!”

    “Hugs and kisses! Hugs and kisses!” Somehow Himiko was both pale and blushing at the same time. “She-She’s smooching Onii-san!”

    “You get excited over every little thing…” Nobu reacted like it wasn’t a big deal.


    “It must be a cultural difference.” Yoshi observed. “It looks like Chen is not quite sure of what to do either. Look, he’s all tensed up.”

    “This is way too much love! Way too much love!” I shouted. Ah fuck it, I’ll stab my sense of reason one time. “Too much Aloha! Aloha has gone too far! Stooooooop!”

    “Eeeh?” Thankfully she stopped. “I not done yet! I give you more thanks! You ready?”

    I looked at the girl.

    I looked at the island.

    Than I looked at the girl again.

    Fuck it.

    With all my might I threw our bodies into the sand before attempting to roll into the ocean.

    “Ahahaha! Let’s play!” And of course she laughed in delight. “You truly are Hawaii too!”


    After we were both dragged out of the ocean, with Kame finally letting go of me, Nobu began to guffaw while pointing at me. “Gahahahaha! you’re covered in hickies, you know? Gahahahaha!!!”



    “Hey Kame,” I pointed at the laughing woman, “Auntie Nobu was the most excited to take down the pirates. Why don't you show her some love too?”

    “You too? Thank you! Everyone Hau'oli~”

    “Gaha-wait what-Aah!” The pinkette managed to scream before receiving another Love Attack.

    “We discussed it among us, and we reached an agreement.” Yoshi informed me, everyone else behind her. “You try to do that again to one of us, we knock you out cold.”

    “I am hurt and betrayed you think I would do such a thing.” I put a hand to my chest, “Truly, I am wounded. I thought you knew me?”

    “It’s because we know you that we’re saying this now.”

    I put my hand to my chin, “So you’re saying if I didn’t waste my one Love Attack on Nobu earlier I could’ve cashed it in on one of you guys later? Tch, damn.”

    Yoshi rapped my head with her knuckles.

    “GET OFF ME!!” Nobu bodily tossed Kame away, the latter doing a few spins in the air before neatly landing in front of me. “Gaah! We beat the pirates and looted their stuff, let’s return home already!”

    “What you say?” Kame tilted her head, smile not wavering. “Hawaii your place. Hawaii taken by pirates. You beat pirates! So Hawaii your place now!” She took my hands and shook them wildly.

    I paused before turning back to Yoshi, “Guys they may have ignorantly pulled a trap on us.”

    “If she wants to become our ally, I don’t see why we should refuse.” Yoshi pointed out with an amused smile.

    “I your friend now! So I now care small thing! Hawaii your place! Show of thanks!”

    And that was when Kame tried, and somehow managed to, smothering of kisses Me, Yoshi, Nobu, Himiko and basically everyone else.


    It was after several parties, and more Love Attacks, that Kame decided to take me into the forest in order to show me something.

    Just me.


    This may have been a mistake.

    “Here it is!” Kame pushed away another bush and beckoned me forward. “Hawaii’s sacred tree!”

    There was a clearing, perfectly circular as far as I could tell. Simple, smooth grass with no flowers or other plants went up a gentle slope to reach a single tree in the middle. It was an extremely plain-looking tree, somehow looking both at home and out of place compared to the rest of the forest. Its branches were full of leaves, and hanging from them were mature-looking yellow fruits.

    Over one of those branches a snake with reddish scales and two small horns was looking at us, idly flipping his forked tongue.

    “Wait.” I looked again. Tree, fruit, snake… “Is that fucking Satan?”

    “Sa-tan? Never heard of it.” Kame replied. “This sacred tree of Hawaii. You give offering to protector.” She pointed to the snake. “Protector allows you to take one fruit. You eat fruit, you become more smart!”

    “I’m sorry wha-”

    My brain put some dots together.

    Become more smart = Fruit of Knowledge.

    “Uh…” I took a step back, “E-Excuse me for a second.”

    I turned around and huddled on the ground whispering my every word. “Dude Emiya I think I found Satan what the shit.”

    “I told you there are no gods.” His voice came like the whisper of the wind. “And without them, even the Devil turned into an unemployed. For a good few centuries he’s been content to laze around Hawaii and exchange the fruits with fully cooked dishes and liquors. Oh, and the fruits have shown no side effects until now.”

    “Ah… Aha….” I stood back up and faced the tree, “Ah-Oh-Um-Uh-Ha-Ah-Oh-Uh- O-Okay….. Um, where do I start.”

    I pointed at the snake, “You! You’re Lucifer, Satan, the devil himself. That is the Tree of Knowledge, that’s the Fruit of Good and Evil, which implies Hawaii is Eden. Now, this all makes one question come to mind.”

    I looked the snake in the eyes, “What if I feed you the fruit.”

    The snake raised an eyebrow.

    Then with his tail snatched one fruit, took a large bite and then tossed it away. “Too sour for my tastes.” He hissed while chewing loudly.

    “Ah! Protector spoke! This great honor!” Kame cheered.

    “Oh, you have to eat it whole.” Wait what did he just say? “Wait did you just say they were sour? Dude ewwwwwww.”

    “My reaction exactly.” He swallowed. “But hey, it’s been a while since I’ve heard those names. You Christian, boy? How are you guys doing now that the Old Man disappeared?”

    “Oh no, I’m not Christian. My parents are but I found the bible and it’s views to be a bit too uh, radical.” I held up my hands, “Also I’m from another timeline summoned by the good side of humanity for some reason so I can’t exactly say much but given that as far as I know he has never actually bothered to do anything ever I’m uh, surprised it’s still going as strong as it is back home.”

    “Uh. The more you know. But yeah, somehow the Old Man had a gift for choosing the craziest ones to talk with. Not that they ever really listened.” He rolled his eyes. “‘Dude, I don’t want your son as sacrifice. Stop that.’ and ‘Who the fuck kill someone by throwing stones at them? That’s messed up!’. My favorite was ‘If your wife wants to go around without her head covered just let her be. She even has great hair. No stop! Stop disowning her!’. If you ask me, it was the lack of sex that messed them up.”

    “Wait,” Um remembering the old testament, “Then who was the one who destroyed that city that one time and whoever looked back on it’s ruins turned to salt? Or the one who drove that one king so insane he thought he was a cow just because he wanted to count how many people he had? Did they just… kinda happen and people were like ‘This must be the work of God!’ and he was like ‘No no that’s not- Don’t put it in the bible! For the love of me stop writing that damn book!’ or something?”

    “Oh yeah, that happened a lot. Now, what city it was… Oh, yes: that one.” He looked away. “Well you see, Abraham was really against homosexuality, and the people of that city were really pro it, so he asked the Old Man to smite them. Just to make Abraham shut up He sent one of his angels to preach about the virtues of procreative sex and the like.” A small pause. “Nobody thought that, maybe, bringing along the standard equipment of a flaming sword and blinding halo on a preaching mission wasn’t a good idea.”

    I winced, “Ouch, yeah. That, that went hilariously wrong. So whatever happened to the Old- Great now you have me calling him the Old Man. Yeah what happened to him anyways?”

    “No idea.” He shrugged, as much as a snake can shrug anyway. And for the first time he also looked distressed. “I’m missing a large chunk of my memories, and the first thing I remember after that hole is waking up here with my tree, as if we were always both here. I know there’s something wrong, but I don’t know what.”

    “Eh, I didn’t expect an answer anyways. I’ll just chock it up to Illuminati conspiracy for now.” I shrugged, “Oh right, any other gods that existed here that you can think of have also disappeared, there’s this group calling themselves the Illuminati that’s trying to throw humanity into an endless world war, and their main M.O. is both necromancy and to mind control people by cutting them off from the collective unconscious of humanity or something… I don’t know I keep trying to resist the urge to laugh at their name. But hey, maybe what’s going on is something stupid like this is my timeline but all of history is trying to repeat itself all at once. That’d be a laugh. Hey you don’t remember what the internet is or that book Paradise Lost do you?”

    “Wow, I missed a lot. Now I’m glad I decided to stay here.” He lifted his head. “Yes, I remember both. Having internet connection would sure make things less boring… Anyway, where’s my offering?”

    “Holy shit you remember the internet!” I exclaimed before pausing, “Oh right we’re still doing that. Uh, I’ll go get you your food but I’m not eating that fruit. Sorry man, but knowledge is not worth having to put something sour in your mouth.”

    “You can do whatever with the fruit, not my problem.” He waved his tail. “Don’t forget the rum!”

    “I understand nothing of what you talked.” Kame exclaimed, still smiling.

    “Man, I love those people.” The snake chuckled.

    “Oh right three things before I leave: Yeah every historical figure is a girl (If that means anything) and they all exist at one, the second is that every electronic device beyond whatever Da Vinci is doing with magic has disappeared, and finally…” I smirked, “Think of every prayer you have ever heard in your life… Now replace the words ‘Forgive me father, I have sinned’ with ‘Sorry daddy I’ve been naughty’ because those words mean the exact same thing.”

    “Boy, you trying to bullshitting me?” He guffawed. “But the last was a good one. For the first two, as I said, something’s wrong. With everything. I hope you find a way to fix it. Say boy, what’s your name?”

    I gave him a salute, “They call me Chen Miyafuji. I don’t know if birth names matter but forgive me for not telling it to the Devil. By the way what kind of Rum do you want because I got Abe no Seimei and Nobunaga with me and they love to get drunk so if you want me to pilfer some Japan- Er it’s called Zipang now, anyway if you want some asian alcohol…”

    “Black like sin, I’m not saying no to some variation…” He smiled, something that a normal snake shouldn’t be able to. “And you can call me Lucy.”

    “Pfft, I’m gonna have to start calling you a girly boy if you let me get away with that.”

    The smile widened. “If you’re so sure about your knowledge of my gender, go ahead.”


    “Hey Sei!” I said, running up to the women who was… Drinking, perfect. “I met the devil. Like, actually Satan. Apparently the tree of knowledge is on this island. Anyways there’s a lot of things we need to talk about but most importantly he’s a pretty cool dude so give me your alcohol I’m about to offer it to him just to get a Fruit of Good and Evil so I can I don’t know, try and see if I can plant it in your backyard or something. Who cares what I do with it, just give me your wine.”

    “Uh… Alright?” For once genuinely confused the woman picked up a still sealed bottle. “Will this suffice?”

    “Oh yeah, that works. Not that I know anything about wine but I suspect he will literally take anything.” I took the bottle before thrusting it into the air, “I’m about to sacrifice to Satan whooooo!!!!”

    Note to those watching at home: Don’t, I repeat don’t sacrifice to Satan. He’s probably not chilling out in Hawaii.


    AN: understandably I’m a bit hesitant to post the last part on SB, even with the option of having the Mods review it. What do you think?
  28. PP_QQ

    PP_QQ Hello

    Apr 29, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Hmm, the satan part in general I think is ok-ish since Higschool DxD is prominent in SB and they play the satan story freely.

    For the last part of "I sacrifice to satan" part, yeah I also a bit hesitant for SB, maybe change it a bit into "sacrifice time, woo" or something.
    Alexander likes this.
  29. Prismatic Glaive

    Prismatic Glaive Came for the Smut, Stayed for the Plot

    Apr 22, 2017
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    Hahahahaha! My sides!!!
    Can I sig this?
    SixthRanger, EvaUnit01 and Alexander like this.
  30. TimelordLucario

    TimelordLucario Professional Lurker

    Apr 26, 2016
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    That was amazing, truly, this is the peak of good literature.
    Alexander likes this.