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My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Alexander, Aug 13, 2017.

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  1. EmpirePlayer

    EmpirePlayer Anyone need some chaos?

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    ...it lives...!?

    IT LIVES!

    ...to be perfectly honest I kinda still remember this fic... a bit. Then it came back when I wemt through it again.

    But yeah good to see it back.
     
    shadowace2400 likes this.
  2. Winged One

    Winged One Not the Simurgh

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    Fics are dead after a week, you're just great necromancers.
     
  3. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    We keep saying it's alive again, but how long do we expect that to last?

    Still pleased to see it return, though.
     
  4. Threadmarks: Chapter 49: Brain Storm
    Alexander

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

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    Chapter 49: Brain Storm

    ====

    Breaking news!

    The Zipang army has just arrived near the still-unpronounceable Baghadhahah! We now report to the anchor live at the scene in order to give us an update and report on the situation! How’s it going Chen?

    “It’s so fucking hot...” I complained, a variety of Seimei’s temperature cooling charms hanging off my body. Maybe I should’ve just invested in lighter armor instead but I think my greatest investment was more the charm that I had attached to my forehead, though it made seeing through it a bit of a pain. I tapped it with a smile. “Good thing Seimei made me this otherwise I would’ve been in an even worse hell.”

    “I’m just thankful, and I cannot believe I just said it, that old fox is actually capable of something beyond blowing stuff up.” Nobu grumbled. She was walking close to me, her armor giving off a sizzling sound every time a drop of sweat falling from her face hit it.

    Suddenly she turned around and angrily pointed a finger. “Talking about it, how come you two are perfectly fine?!”

    “Mind over matter, Nobunaga.” Yoshi declared with a serene smile, looking as fresh as a rose. “Mind over matter.”

    “Compared to the heat of the forge I find the current temperature quite refreshing.” Maragi replied.

    I leaned over to the pink commander before whispering. “Fat keeps things warm, so a lack of fat totally means they get warmer less easily. Obviously.”

    Nobu smiled ominously, the air around her bleeding blood. “...You calling me fat, brat?”

    “What? No, it was an insult to Yoshitsune, not you.” I replied, shocked and offended. “Because you know.”

    I hit my chest once.

    Dark waves of barely restrained violence now joined the blood aura. “I must be mistaken, because I could swear I just heard something insulting directed towards my august person.” Yoshi’s voice sounded like a heavenly chorus. You know, the type you can expect to hear during funerals?

    “Do you really find this hot?” Ashoka wondered. Of course, she was wearing a little as usual. “How strange...”

    “Mh... I see, I see.” Joan nodded. “God hath spoken! Joan is thirsty!”

    “Alright let’s just move on from the heat.” I declared, completely calm. Externally. Internally I’m pretty sure 75% of my sweat at that moment wasn’t from the heat. Regardless of the personal safety of my life, I pointed forward. “Look! It’s Baghadadad!”

    It was round, it was made of stone, and it was very mathematical looking. I’m pretty sure this was Baghad, otherwise I probably would’ve gotten so embarrassed the heat from the sun wouldn’t match the heat from my face.

    “...Putting aside the current matter. For now.” Yoshi’s smile widened. Then she turned to a nearby soldier, the guy looking at me with pity. Oi, I’m your commander. “What is the status of our troops?”

    “Ma’am!” He stood on attention. “Having predicted the current situation Lady Tzu made sure to choose men from India and other similar hot places. And thanks to the river we have plenty of water. However, the general opinion is that a prolonged battle is unfeasible since stamina is drained faster than normal.”

    “Mmh... Make sense.” She mused while stroking her chin. “And where is Lady Tzu? I haven’t seen her in a while.”

    “Ma’am! Lady Tzu, together with Lady Himiko, Lady Seimei and Lady Tadataka are resting within a carriage because, I quote, it’s too hot outside, end quote!”

    “Oh those jerks!” I cursed before pausing, “Wait, whose Tadataka? Is that Tama?”

    “If you give people nicknames, at least try to also remember their real names.” Nobu huffed. “Beside those present and the three lazybones we have Lancelot, Kamehameha, Kublai, Polo, Sanzou, Lu Bu, Sasaki and Benkei. Everyone else either was nowhere to be found or collapsed only a day after we entered this fucking desert and had to be sent back with a heatstroke. I would say we still have more than enough people to take over Baghdad, but considering our track record I’m expecting something absolutely absurd and ridiculous to happen sooner or later.”

    “So it’s merely a matter of weather we want it to happen sooner or later.” I paused, “Mmh, well I don’t really have any ideas on how we could make a surprise opening strike so uh, send a messenger and tell them ‘fight me bro’ sound like a good plan?”

    “We may as well. It’s not like a surprise attack is even possible.”

    So we sent a messenger to deliver the message, together with the obligatory white banner. People don’t shoot the messenger as long as they know it’s a messenger.

    It didn’t take long for the guy to return with a reply. “Let’s see...” Yoshi opened the scroll and began to read. “They are alright with our proposal, but humbly request for it to involve only a token amount of troops. Apparently they have a few financial problems and had to sell most of their equipment to make ends meet.”

    “Well, that’s just an ouch.” I winced, “How many troops are we allowed?”

    “One thousand, three hundreds and fifty-one. Heroes included.” The ponytailed beauty immediately replied.

    “...Eh. That works.” I shrugged before shouting. “LET’S GOOOOO- Gah! My throat is so goddamn dry!”

    ====

    We reached the appointed place first, though it didn’t take long for troops to come out of one of Baghdad’s gates and march towards us. Most of them were armed with spears and big shields, with the rest being either archers or what I guessed were the local mage equivalents.

    However, most of my attention was focused on the two figures at the head of the small army. The first one was a redhead holding a staff, and some fucking how she was almost on par with Ashoka for “Indecent dressing”. No, I’m serious, she was in a goddamn bathrobe and hopefully a bit more underneath. The second was, slightly more understandably, dressed in rags. Her coat was patchwork and her long blue hair was long and unkempt but as she pushed a barrel over towards us I spotted something on top of her ginormous hat. Something that made this entire trip worth it.

    I pointed at the person who I assumed was Diogenyis. “That is a cute dog! ...By the way could you guys like, not afford pants?”

    “Hey, random kid off the street. Stop ogling me like a piece of meat.” The dog spoke with a feminine, mature voice despite only moving its hanging-out tongue up and down. “You’re too young to be a creep, go back playing with dolls.”

    “...You don’t interact with young people much do you.” I blinked.

    “Cynic, don’t be mean.” The redhead reprimanded the dog with a lazy tone. “Hello, I’m Archimedes. Nice to meet you. I can’t afford pants, you see? I’m poor. Being a scholar doesn’t really pay.”

    “What she said. Plus, somehow we keep losing money even when trying to save up.” The girl with the hat pushed the barrel upright and pulled the dog in her arms. “And I’m Diogenes. Nice to meet you. Cynic is just a normal dog.”

    I opened my mouth to protest that but then closed it. “You know, I think I should protest that on the grounds that she can, you know, talk. But then I remember we too have our own talking snake so you know, I don’t even question this shit anymore.”

    Both the talking animals and the outfit. I glanced at Ashoka for a quick bit before shivering and turning back to them. Yeah I’m not making a fool out of myself a second time, mmkay?

    “That’s a good joke, but everyone knows snakes can’t talk.” Diogenes sounded completely serious.

    “Who is this ‘everyone’ you speak of?” The red snake in question popped up from behind a small dune. And was that a jug of booze his tail was holding on? “I’d like two words with them.”

    “AAAAHH!! A TALKING SNAKE!” The two almost-nudists screamed in fright before jumping inside the barrel, struggling to be the first to enter. The top was closed, then the whole barrel started trembling.

    ...As quietly as I could I whispered to the rest of the group. “Does anyone have rope on them? Also can any of you tie a knot?”

    “You really want to try whatever you’re planning to do with a rope right here and now?” Nobu whispered back while eyeing the rest of the Macedonian troops. “I mean, if I understand things right those guys would probably be all too happy to get Exhibitionist #2 and #3 out of their hair, but I assume they have at least a shred of loyalty left.”

    “Well, look. Judging by the last encounter, I think I know of a way to handle this.” I paused before turning back to the troops. “Hey! You guys tie up these two and give them to us and we’ll let you guys fight a giant boar!”

    They tensed up, a strange light glittering in their eyes, then bundled together to confabulate. It went on for a few minutes before one of them looked up at me. “How big are we talking about?”

    “I don’t know if we have an actual measurement, or if we even use the same unit of measurement but uh...” I pointed to the city wall, “About as big as that, maybe a bit bigger. It’s decked out in gold armor and can shoot fire from it’s nostrils. And if you really want the bonus points, this was a creature made by someone who created a weapon for a god. So if any of you have the hubris to challenge a beast on par with a god, if any of you want to hold that honor, well, you’ve heard my terms.”

    He nodded in understanding before going back to confabulate, this time for barely a minute. “Does the beast fight back?” After those words he turned a bit embarrassed. “My apologies, it’s just that all of us fought only against Babylon recently, and those guys fight only on the defensive. We would like an actual challenge instead of just hitting a wall.”

    I turned to a certain devil and stared.

    “What?” Said devil asked in mock confusion while drinking some of the booze. “Just joking. Gullinbursti loves a good scrap every now and then, he’s Norse. I’ll ask, just expect him to sulk for a bit if the fight doesn’t satisfy him. A sulking Gullinbursti starts racing without paying attention to his surroundings, and well...”

    “Eh, we’ll point him at Babylon or something.” I shrugged before turning back to the soldiers. “So, think you can satisfy him?”

    That was apparently the right thing to say, because those guys’ Brave started showing to the naked eye. Considering until now I saw only Heroes doing that, it was a very clear sign of how fired up they were.

    ====

    “See?” I said to Yoshitsune as we all sat back and watched the spectacle unfold before us. “I am good at diplomacy!”

    This statement was of course punctuated by a Macedonian soldier being tossed up to the sky by Guilin. Instead of screaming however, his cries specifically sounded a lot like “Wheeeeeeee!”

    “That is not diplomacy. Nothing you say or do can persuade me otherwise.” The samurai replied with a serene smile as she sipped from a small jar full of water. Next to her Benkei was pouring the content of a jar bigger than herself into her mouth.

    “Water is important to keep yourself hydrated, but to cool down your body here’s what I suggest.” Lancelot put down a large crate full of food and began to eat from it. “Watermelon, cucumber, curd, coconut milk, mint, onion salad and melon!”

    “I’m honestly pissed my expectations were right on the mark, but it’s too hot now to complain. Will do it later.” Nobu stated before taking a bite from a watermelon.

    “Speaking of Diplomacy.” I began, walking over to a certain barrel that was shut tight both inside and outside before knocking on the cover. “Hey, Cynic, can you help me out here?”

    “I’m not talking with a kidnapper. The only thing you’ll get out of this barrel are our cold bodies.”

    “Don’t listen to Cynic, please. She says scary things.” Archimedes pleaded. “We are open to negotiations, we really are.”

    “As long as you don’t damage the barrel: that’s mine and Cynic’s home.” Diogenes added. “Buuut, if you offer a sparkling new barrel that’s never been used I’ll accept it.”

    “Yeah you two can stay in the barrel for now while I work things out, I just need Cynic’s help.” I nodded before realizing they couldn’t see me. “Just like, help me convince her.”

    “Cynic, pleaseee...?” Archimedes begged.

    “Tch! Fine, but if I get tortured or worse, molested, I’m dragging you to hell with me.” There was a thump on the top. “Open up. And remember: hands where I can see them or the deal is off!”

    I rolled my eyes before opening the barrel lid. Idly, I waved a high to the two hobos that were squished together before the dog in question jumped out of the barrel. Idly I closed the barrel lid and sealed it up again before turning to Cynic. “Okay just follow me.”

    The dog twitched and growled at me a bit, but in the end obliged as I walked over to where Yoshitsune sat. “Cynic, this is Yoshitsune. Yoshitsune, this is Cynic. Please get to know each other. Consider this my apology for earlier, okay?”

    “You the babysitter?” The dog asked.

    “Once, I would have said no. Sadly, now I fear that’s what I have become.” Yoshi smiled bitterly. “Nice to meet you, Cynic.”

    “Go figure. Oh well, at least there’s someone relatively sane to talk with.” The dog waved her tongue back and forth. “So, what you Zipang people do to socialize? Eat raw fish?”

    “That’s called Sushi, and no. Green tea is-”

    “Oh, by every not-existent god! I was just joking! You people truly eat raw fish? How are you not dead yet?” Cynic took a close look at Yoshitsune and me.

    “Ah, yeah, no, I don’t eat sushi.” I waved. “Also how do you know that the gods have vanished?”

    “What never existed in the first place cannot vanish.” The dog replied. “If God exists, then God is omnipotent, omniscient, and morally perfect. If God is omnipotent, then God has the power to eliminate all evil. If God is omniscient, then God knows when evil exists. If God is morally perfect, then God has the desire to eliminate all evil. And yet, evil exists. If evil exists and God exists, then either God doesn’t have the power to eliminate all evil, or doesn’t know when evil exists, or doesn’t have the desire to eliminate all evil. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.”

    “Hold up I need to contact my talking snake.” I glanced around for anywhere he could be hiding behind before sighing. “Okay, come on, you knew God personally, you can’t not chime in on this.”

    “I knew one God personally.” Satan remarked as he emerged from behind Lancelot’s crate of food, a suspiciously large bulge in his body. “But alright. You there, canine. Why are you assuming God is omnipotent, omniscient, and morally perfect? What even counts as morally perfect?”

    “Oh? I’m questioned? Very well.” Cynic sat down. “Morally perfect is understood as practical excellence, an excellence concerned with desire, character traits, and action. A perfectly good being has the best desires that a being can have, and exhibits the best traits of character, and acts in an unsurpassably excellent way.”

    “If we consider all beings to be fundamentally the same. Which they aren’t.” The snake waved his tail.

    “Uh, hey,” I interrupted before coughing. “I’m going to go head over to the barrel. You guys can figure this out in the meanwhile.”

    “Sure thing.” Satan waved me off. “For example, let’s consider cannibalism. Is it wrong? For human, yes. But there are animals that do it, and nobody tries to stop them! So-”

    I gave Yoshi an apologetic look before dashing the fuck out of there and back to the barrel. Rapidly knocking on the cover, “So, good news, Cynic isn’t trying to kill anyone. Bad news, she is now getting into a philosophy debate about god with our talking snake. Don’t try and start anything on that because I know, factually, for absolute certainty, that gods are real and they just vanished one day from humanity. Look long story short you guys are philosophers right? I need an opinion on something and you guys are like the only ones qualified to sorta answer it.”

    “Uhm, I’m more of an inventor than a philosopher.” Archimedes replied with hesitation. “And Diogenes curled up into a ball and startled mumbling, she always do that when separated from Cynic so I don’t think she can help. But, uh, I’ll try my best?”

    “Okay great because I need to rant about this to someone.” I sighed before shaking my head. “Now, and hear me out here, I’m pretty sure reality is broken. And I know this because as unbelievable as it sounds, I’m from an alternate timeline. Think of that like a different reality where the events of things happened differently. At least, I think I’m from an alternate reality. See when I got to my home island of Hawaii I encountered Satan the talking snake who also remembers the time I’m from, but he’s from this timeline or something and apparently things just kind of happened one day and he found himself in Hawaii.”

    I took a deep breath and sighed. “Then things got even more complicated when we ran into Jeanne. Basically one of my commanders who Satan knew hundreds of years ago and more importantly, she died. But the version of Jeanne here still recognized Satan despite the aforementioned reasons. Now according to Galileo time is more, looping. Repeating itself. Things have been altered, the liner flow has all been smashed together, and everything is happening again. The reason why Jeanne still has her memories is because those memories were so important to her that she didn’t forget them in the repeat. Or something.”

    One final pause. “And also everything may or may not have been caused by a conspiracy that wants to keep the world in a state of eternal war for some reason but they aren’t important right now. God I have wanted to get this off my chest for a long time. Any thoughts?”*

    “...That, if true, is indeed worrying.” Archimedes replied, her tone soft but serious. “If we compare reality to a book, then the current situation would be similar to someone replacing the pages with altered copies of previous chapters. Circumstances make only sense in the present, while the past is full of contradictions. And if the gods existed but vanished, then one reason I can think of is that they not only realized something is wrong, but were able to do something about that. So their existence was a threat. Or maybe the current situation wasn’t possible as long as they were present. Either possibility is quite... foreboding about its implications.”

    “I don’t know about the giant boar thrashing through your troops over there because he can’t talk but the creations of the gods are still around, yet the only thing they can recall about what happened is, well, quite frankly nothing. There’s a giant gap in their memories between the natural state and the current situation.” I sighed before shaking my head, “Speaking of contradictions, mind helping me with an experiment? I want you to close your eyes and think over every single bit of your life. All the important moments... then I want you to try and see if they fit. If one of them isn’t just quite right, an altered page or chapter like you said. Can you do that for me?”

    “You’re pretty sharp, Light Boy.” A voice I didn’t recognize whispered into my ear from behind. Just hearing it made me sick. Each word filled me with profound revulsion. The lightly joking tone enraged me beyond belief.

    It was, as if...

    Everything about the owner of that voice was my complete and utter antithesis.

    “But giving a girl an existential crisis? How cruel of you.” The voice (male/female/something else?) giggled, making me want to just rip out its tongue and shove it through its brain. It took every single bit of my willpower not to explode right then and there. My heart was a mess, a mixture of anxiety, anger, and general confusion all stirred together to make a nice boiling soup of ‘what the fuck’.

    This was not what I expected, this was not what I expected at all.

    I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up-

    No!

    No, no. Keep calm. Just gotta, gotta think for a moment. Gotta say something.

    “So...” I practically growled out, my brain working at 500 miles a second. Bad guy, Illuminati, last encounter- Ah! That’s right! “I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re Mu?”

    “Uh, no? My name is Archimedes, I thought I introduced myself already?” The redhead still sealed in the barrel replied with a confused tone.

    “MY KING!” Joan shouted with urgency as she rushed towards me at full speed. “God hath spoken! The true enemy revealed itself! Are you alright?”

    “Did- Did they just bail on me?!” I glanced around wildly. “Oh come the fuck on!”

    There was a fax-like sound coming from Joan. “Uhm... I see, I see. God hath spoken again! He bade me to repeat those exact words: “Boy, for a split moment a hole in my awareness appeared behind you. I can only describe it as complete, utter Darkness. What happened?”

    “I mean you said it yourself.” I groaned, pressing a hand to my forehead as my heart throbbed in my ears. “I was talking to Archimedes and then I think I asked too many questions as they were all ‘You’re pretty good’ but not in like the cool way then they laughed at me before apparently just fucking off else where.”

    I took a deep breath before sighing and knocking on the jar. “Speaking of, you doing alright there Archie? Any existential crisis or anything? You didn’t block out the last few minutes from your memory right?”

    “No, no. I’m alright, thank you for asking.” She answered. “But, between ‘Can you do that for me’ and now only twenty-four seconds passed. I know because I always count my breaths. Just to let you know...”

    “I- I mean,” I gave an awkward look to Jeanne before turning back to the jar. “That’s uh, nice to know? I don’t see why that’s important but uh, thanks? Anyways did anything odd come to mind?”

    “Sorry, I will need more than twenty-four seconds to go through every moment of my life. You see, I have eidetic memory: it is literally impossible for me to forget something.” She told me with an embarrassed tone. “Ah, but my first year of life doesn’t contain anything strange? Except my parents being too loud in the next room and my nanny blushing so hard she was literally steaming, but I got used to it.”

    Uh.

    Huh.

    “I did not need to know that. I really did not need to know that.” I muttered. Still, what the hell were the odds that the person I asked had- “Oh that’s right! Hah! It’s eidetic memory because you guys don’t have photography yet! Hahaha... It’s not that funny.”

    I shook my head before waving at the closed jar. “Anyways, I’m going to check to make sure Cynic and Satan haven’t killed each other. Tell me if you recall something. Jeanne, you watch over the jar, got it?”

    “I hear and obey! My king, I shall defend this jar with my very life!” She slammed a fist over her chest, producing a very loud clunk. “No one but you shall be allowed to come close to it!”

    “Please give me at least twenty minutes, it should be enough.” Archimedes added. “Uh, such a frilly dress. So many ribbons...”

    Twenty minutes huh...

    Are you kidding I’m not just going to stand here doing nothing for twenty minutes. Who do you think I am, someone not from the twenty first century? Hah! My troops can’t even stand five minutes without some dumbass challenging the mongols to an arm wrestling contest!

    ...In short this was going to be a boring ass wait. With a sigh I plopped myself on to the hot ground before staring off into the sky, hoping that daydreaming would make the time go by faster.

    I should’ve brought a booooooook.

    ====

    Twenty looong minutes later, I saw no indication the talking dog and snake started killing each other. On the other hand, somehow they set up two big white sheets to act as blackboards and start scribbling on it with something black-colored: for the most part it was too far away to see what they wrote, but I could swore there was a penis or two. The fuck.

    Meanwhile, the local Macedonians were still fighting the giant boar, the latter also sounding quite happy now. Oh, and the giant goat set up shop nearby, with female servants milking her teats of alcohol and giving it to soldiers: some were already singing drunken songs.

    Everyone was having a party while I was still waiting here, thinking...

    “Hey Jeanne.” I called out with boredom while I lied down in the dirt. “You think Lancelot knows she’s french?”

    “Is she?” The blonde tilted her head. “I haven’t conversed with a fellow countrywoman in a while. My king, do you think she would be amenable to discuss passages of the Bible while praising your virtues?”

    “Okay first off, don’t praise my virtues.” I raised a finger, “Second off, like I said, does she even know? Legend has it that Lancelot was raised by the lady of the lake, then when she went off on her own for the first time she saved a city, looked in the coffin and it was all like ‘Surprise! You’re the long lost heir to a french throne! Lancelot Du Lac or something. Thirdly, another myth had her be outright rejected by the holy grail but I’m sure you can figure something out.”

    “I had no idea French royal inheritance could be found within coffins. My king, your wisdom is truly boundless.” Joan nodded. “I shall inquire about Lancelot’s exact circumstances and then report my findings to you, my king."

    “I have finished.” Archimedes announced. Her voice sounded a little shaky. “The results are... I am 100% sure my memories have been altered without me noticing. Or, if time is indeed looping and the past is altered, then the discrepancies are a result of multiple ‘me’ from different timelines being forced to exist within the singular existence that is the current ‘me’. It is very, very sinister and random and I don’t like it at all.”

    “Okay, okay, just calm down. You’re still you, okay?” Alright how to handle this... “Did you say ‘multiple’ versions of you? As in, your weird memories don’t line up with the other weird memories?”

    “It’s a matter of details. For example, there are some parts of my life when events would make more sense if I was male instead of female, even if I can clearly remember myself as a female. It’s the same with some of the people I knew, even Teacher. Then there are events that don’t make sense if fitted into a precise chronological order and information that shouldn’t have changed between now and then, but did.” She explained. “At a first glance it makes sense. At a second glance you dismiss doubts as your memory being hazy. But on the third and following ones...”

    “Okay wait hold up.” I held up my hand to my chin. “At a second glance you dismiss it as a badly recalled memory. But you know you don’t have a bad memory. In fact it’s perfect, so was it some sort of mental compulsion inserted into you so that you won’t question it or was that your own thoughts?”

    “Good question. I think that was my own thoughts, because until now I had no reason to contemplate my past life from beginning to end. However, there is another explanation.” She made a short pause, as if gathering her courage. “That the ‘reset point’ of the time loop happened only recently. Recently enough that only now, with your prompting, I realized the discrepancies that take even me a second glance to become visible.”

    “Only recently...” I scratched my chin before pausing as a thought occurred to me. “I might have a way for you to figure out more... but with your current state I’m going to leave it up to you if you want to do it. It’s not going to be sweet at all, in fact it’s going to be sour as all hell. But if you want we can give it a shot.”

    “The situation is dire enough that my discomfort shouldn't be a factor, but thank you for the consideration. May I have a day or two to rest and prepare? Also, I believe you have too many matters at the moment to handle to have the time to perform such an experiment. Just saying.”

    “Too many matters at-” I glanced back at the full on party behind me. “Oh. Oh.”

    I paused to stare at the chaos unfurling before my eyes. “Yeah I should probably get this situation under control huh? Joan, orders are the same as always, I’m going to go... hopefully not end up in the hospital wing for the next week.”

    This is gonna suck...

    ====

    Luckily for me, I did not end up in the hospital wing for the next week.

    That honor went to the Macedonian soldiers that fought the giant boar, although both them and the suine spotted very satisfied expressions: battle maniacs all of them...

    Regarding Cynic and Satan, the two didn’t come to physical blows but somehow their discussion went from the subject of God’s existence to the rights of gay people to hold parades while almost naked. Because apparently those two things were related somehow.

    Anyway. The doggo went back to her owner, who finally snapped out of her funk and started talking animatedly with Archimedes, the injured were taken care of and Yoshi was discussing with Baghdad’s leadership about setting up shop in the city. Leaving me free to... experiment.

    “Christ I sound like a mad scientist when I put it like that.” I muttered to myself. I was neither mad nor a scientist. Wait but the mad scientist is a term that implies either a lack of regards for morality in science or an absence of logic in science- Okay time to stop thinking about this! “So, Archie. How you feeling? You ready for this?”

    “I’m feeling better, thank you.” She replied with a small nod and smile. “Things just turned more complicated than I expected.”

    “That’s an understatement, my friend.” Diogenes fixed her glasses, doggo cradled within her arms. “In that regard, could we have an explanation about what this ‘way’ you mentioned entail?”

    “And no, we aren’t blind-tasting anything.” Cynic remarked.

    Diogenes bopped her dog’s nose. “Hush you, let me speak for now.”

    “You aren’t blind-tasting anything!” I paused before turning back to Archie. “She is.”

    “Told you!”

    “Hush you! We’re here as witnesses, I’m sure things will be perfectly fine.”

    “Uh, so this method involves eating something?” Archie tilted her head. “Is that why you mentioned sourness?”

    “Oh yeah. Wasn’t being metaphorical there at all.” I reached over to a desk where I had stashed the fruit of the hour. “This is the Fruit of Knowledge. Eh, it’s got a bit of a reputation but if you haven’t read the bible then you’ll probably be fine. Anyways apparently it’s super sour but I haven’t tried it myself because I don’t like food. It’s said that this’ll make you smarter once you eat it but like, again, haven’t tried it myself. Probably would be the worst taste you’ll ever experience-”

    I paused. Bad tasting. Fruit. Devil.

    SON OF A BITCH WAS THIS A ONE PIECE REFERENCE?!

    “Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!” I cried, shaking my head before turning back to Archimedes. “Okay so like, there’s a bunch of ink and paper stashed in this room for if you go into some maniac fugue state. Also you’re getting the closest thing I can find to therapy for the next month at the very least. Some medical doctors are on call and this room has been baby proofed... Oh, yeah, you see that bed over there? Go lie down on it, don’t want you fainting and falling down on your head or something.”

    “You thought of everything, my compliments.” Diogenes said. “Well Archimedes, what do you say we give it a try? And if it works, sourness or not, let me have a try at it too. By the way, does adding sugar to this fruit nullify its effects?”

    “I dunno hang on.” I knocked on a nearby desk. “Hey Satan, does God have anything against sugar?”

    “Nah, not all all.” Said red snake’s head popped out from within a drawer. He exchanged a nasty glare with Cynic before continuing. “I just didn’t have sugar at all while I was living alone. I tried making a salad once, but the sourness overwhelmed the other flavors.”

    “Okay okay...” I held a hand to my chin. “Well, I could have Lancelot taste test or something but... Nobody needs Lancelot with a taste for knowledge. Literally. I already have to bat her away from eating these things as it is. You guys just, like, mind eating it raw?”

    “Oh no, I don’t. Even if it’s a strong sourness, I can endure it for one time.” The redhead looked closer at the fruit, took a sniff and then picked it up. “Here we go?”

    “We’ll collect some flowers from the closest field.” Cynic said.

    “Cynic, don’t be mean.”

    And then she took a bite.

    For a moment no one moved. Even Satan was staring at the inventor with a raised eyebrow. “...Sour.” Archimedes finally commented as she chewed slowly. She swallowed, then took another bite. “So sour, so sour...”

    She continued like that until she finished the fruit, going as far as to lick her fingers. “So sour...” She commented one last time, then went very still. Like, I didn’t think she was breathing?

    “Okay everyone.” I began slowly, “I want everyone to take a step far away back and also DOCTORS FOR THE LOVE OF FRUIT GET READY!”

    “EUREKA!!!” Archimedes shouted at the top of her lungs, jumping up in the air and swinging her claw with such force it carved out a piece of ceiling. “EUREKA!!! EUREKA!!!” Landing back she grabbed a quill and started writing furiously. She filled a whole sheet of paper, both sides of it, in a few seconds and then switched to a new quill and page.

    “Experiment successful?” Diogenes mused before picking up a page and reading it. “This formula... refraction of light and multiplication values in concentration with multiple sources? Interesting, though I don’t see how it can be applied in real life.”

    “I swear to god if she starts inventing fucking lazers-” I shook my head, “Okay okay there are a whole fucking lot of ways that could be applied to real life. Like, trust me, as someone from a timeline where that was already a thing sorta, we achieved a hell of a lot. Don’t ask me what though because, again, I’m not a scientist.”

    “Really? Good for future scientists then. Me, I’m a philosopher.” She put the page back on the desk, where a large pile was already forming. “I’ll keep watching over Archimedes to make sure she takes care of herself. Oh, and when the effects end I’ll like to try a Fruit of Knowledge too.”

    “State your price now or no deal.” Cynic added.

    “Hush you.”

    “Yeah, uh. Yeah...” I nodded dumbly before turning to the snake in the room. “Make sure she doesn’t figure out something that’ll get the Illuminati after us even more. I’m... going to go back to trying to take over the world...”

    “Hey, if it’s a weapon we can use against those fuckers all the better. But I get it, I’ll keep an eye on Reddie her and stamp CLASSIFIED on anything compromising.” His tail emerged from another drawer, holding a stamp. “I’m used to handling the fallout of those fruits being eaten anyway. I told the Old Man to remove the tree or at least send a few Cherubs to collect the mature fruits, but did he listen? Noooo, he was busy sweeping the last remains of the Dinosaurs under the carpet, him.”

    “Okay. That’s it. I’m out.” I waved, walking my way out of the room. “Never using those fruits again!”

    ====

    Notes:

    Alex: How it was meeting Archimedes and Diogenes?

    Chen: The strongest nudist hobos I have ever met.

    Alex: You didn't even fight them.

    Chen: The Strongest.
     
  5. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    I think I like this version of Archimedes.

    And I'm pleased to see a new update.
     
    shadowace2400 and Iron Roby like this.
  6. Iron Roby

    Iron Roby Getting out there.

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    Don't be such a bitch, Cynic. Your own soldiers kidnapped you. Chen is just holding you as a prisoner of war. Or, at least, as a prisoner of arranged brawl with a giant pig. That's much more dignified than just being a kidnap victim.
     
  7. endlessdreams

    endlessdreams Know what you're doing yet?

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    FriendInsert? Any relation to BakaSmurf? His stories always bore me with how they follow canon closely and his pointless bickering with this "friends" just doesn't endear me to him.
     
  8. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    Hey, how am I supposed to respond to that?

    Um, no. We’re not connected to that guy in anyway. We’re just doing our own thing here.
     
  9. endlessdreams

    endlessdreams Know what you're doing yet?

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    You don't really. I am just saying stuff because I am still holding a bit of contempt for him. Due to reasons
     
  10. Alexander

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

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    What NNB said. We're just using the concept of FI him and Luckychaos started (or it's older then them? Can't remember).

    If it helps, I find their outright hate for spoilers annoying. I mean, they treat them like some kind of cardinal sin.
     
    endlessdreams likes this.
  11. Threadmarks: Chapter 50: Standing in the Sun
    Alexander

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

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    Chapter 50: Standing in the Sun

    ====

    “After occupying a new territory, it’s only natural to take a tour of the restaurants~” Lancelot cheerfully declared.

    “So you’re the one eating and I’m the one paying right?” I asked, making sure I had enough money stashed away. After the last time, I had prepared for this occasion and dedicated a specific amount of the budget to Lancelot’s stomach.

    “Don’t worry Chen, I always make sure to keep my checks and even order them by date.” She informed me. “I’ve checked them all out~. Strange cucumber soup, tartar, eggplant, beef stew, meat moussaka, and pie. And then everyone’s favorite... kebabs! And for Seimei, I’ll buy some famous grape liquor called Raki.”

    “Literally none of that sounded appetizing in the slightest but okay.” I snapped my fingers before pausing. Slowly I glanced around before letting out a breath. “Okay that liquor isn’t part of my ever increasing debt to Seimei thank god.”

    “She asked me to buy it.” Lancelot replied. “For some reason, she said that going on a restaurant tour with me would give her a stomachache.”

    “Well it’s probably because some people actually have a limit to the amount of food they can eat.” I shrugged. “Speaking of people who are going to get diab- I mean, have bottomless energy, let me go grab some people.”

    It took me around twenty minutes to get the invitations sent out but eventually the other occupants of this party arrived. Er, now that I think about, if I just went with Lancelot, wouldn’t that be a date?

    ...Pfft, nah. With the shake of my head I turned our new party members.

    “Aloha!” Kame half-shouted, half-sung. Her voice was just that good.

    “What’s going on here? What’s going on here?” Mazero looked both confused and excited. Truth be told, I didn’t exactly invite her to be honest. Rather, one of the servants found her in a barrel full of water and dragged her out before she drowned. Mysteriously, the only thing I ever learned about the situation was a note from Cook that only read ‘I gave. Now it’s your turn’.

    No, seriously, what the fuck were they doing.

    “Boooh.” Himiko pouted. “I wanted to spend some time alone with Onii-san. My role as the adorable little sister is in-I mean! What did you have in mind. Onii-san?”

    “We’re going to party and lose all our money!” I shouted, jingling a bag of coins in the air. I paused before turning to Himiko with a tilt of my head. “Also, you sure you want to spend time alone with me ‘imoto’?”

    My eyes stared back at her like an empty, nomming abyss. They gazed into her soul~

    Or at least that’s what I was going for.

    She blushed slightly before averting her gaze, pouting intensifying. “Is it wrong that I want to spend some time alone with my big brother? Like in the old days...” The last part was said in a lower tone.

    “Great now I feel bad.” I muttered. Well, that was the reason why I invited her in the first place. A sigh escaped my lips before I ran up to her and threw my arms over her shoulder. “Well if you’re a little sister of mine then that makes you the (misunderstood to be) cousin of Alexander as well! So, ready to try the taste of your (false) ancestors' cuisine!?”

    I paused, “Because I’m not. Nope. No way. Ya know me. I just don’t like food.”

    There was a strangled cry coming from Lancelot’s direction, as if some great blasphemy was witnessed by a pious person.

    “I don’t want to be related to that-that walking horror fashion show!” Himiko snorted, but leaned slightly against my side. “Fine. If we’re going to rule those people then I guess it’s only right we learn about their culture. And food, as long as it’s tasty, it’s always good.”

    “Oooh, we’re going to eat?! Great!” Mazero’s eyes blazed.

    “Party! Party! I love parties!” Kame’s hair were bobbing up and down.

    My eyes blinked as I stared at Himiko before a snort left my lips. “Oi oi, you’re feeling way more mature than before! Ah whatever, Quest start!”

    ====

    First, lead by the Great Food Expert LancelotTM, we started with the appetizers.

    “Meze!” The Knight of the Round introduced a large platter full of small dishes containing several types of food. “White cheese, ripe melon, hot pepper paste with walnuts, thick strained yogurt with herbs, cold eggplant salad, brain salad, fried mussels, artichokes, yogurt with cucumber and garlic, rice-stuffed vine leaves and raw meatballs with bulgur, a cereal food made from the cracked parboiled groats of several different wheat species.”

    “I feel like you could’ve stopped halfway through that but continued on just in a vain attempt to try and convince me.” I declared, looking Lancelot dead in the eyes.

    “Did, did you just say brain salad?” Himiko’s face was green.

    “Yeeep. Specifically, lamb’s brains soaked in salted water, then placed in a saucepan with vinegar and 500 ml of water. You bring them to a simmer and poach gently for 15 minutes, until the brains are just cooked — they will be soft when you poke them with a sharp knife-”

    “Alright STOP!” Oh god I feel like I’m going to gag just thinking about it, “Nope! Nope! Nope! I hereby dub this ‘Mystery Food X’! What is it? No one knows! Anyone one who spoils the mystery is banned from the table! All in favor?!”

    Kame and Mazero raised their hand. Himiko ran out of the room midway Lancelot’s explanation, but I guess the retching sounds counted as a yes. Even if the waiter was giving us a dirty look. Fuck that guy. I may be half-taiken but even I don’t go that extreme with my food! Wait, did I say half-taiken instead of half-chinese? God I’ve been here too long.

    “Fine, fine. More for me then.” Lancelot pouted slightly. “Now, the drinks. Since we’re all underage here I left out the alcoholic beverages, but we have: bitter coffee, a molasses-like syrup obtained after condensing juices of fruit must, black tea, a cold savory yogurt-based beverage mixed with salt and Hardaliye, a fermented beverage produced from grapes, crushed mustard seeds and sour cherry leaves. Amazing, isn’t it?”

    I stared at her. I really stared at her. The message was clear. I think she was suppressing a tear. I’m really sorry for making you cry!

    “Ugh...” Himiko walked back into the room, rubbing what looked like mint on her teeth. “Trying to make me eat such disgusting... the indignity... Is it safe now?”

    “Should be. Probably. Maybe. I’m not the best one to judge food.” I turned to the other two occupants of the table. “What do you guys think?”

    “Very strong flavors. Best to not eat alone.” Kame said. “Full of energy for day of hard work.”

    “The smell is exotic!” Mazero took a deep sniff. “Oh, what about bread?”

    “I’m happy you asked!” Lancelot beamed. “Now, Macedonian cuisine has several types of bread, some of them can even be found in a single city. First is Bazlama, a single-layered, flat, circular and leavened bread with a creamy yellow color. Then we have Gözleme, a traditional savory flatbread and pastry dish filled with various toppings. Kattama, fried layered bread. And finally Boortsog, a fried dough food made with flour, yeast, milk, eggs, margarine, salt, sugar, and fat. They go well with soups, tea and sweet things for dessert.”

    I glanced at the table, eyes glazing over the food. Sure the pastries, and uh, mysterious food x would catch someone else’s attention and I probably sounded like a colossal asshole right about now but none of it looked too appetizing. And there’s so much stuff as well! Drinks, food, suspiciously placed bowl of fruit of good and evil, brea-

    “Fuck!” I shouted, snatching the bowl of devil fruit off the table. I’ve had enough of these to last me five lifetimes thank you very much! “Who the hell put this here?!”

    “Kamehameha!” The green-haired, sun-tanned girl enthusiastically raised a hand like a child eager to please the teacher.

    “Whhhhhhhhhhy!” I groaned, “I’m not the only ones who saw what these things did to Archimedes and Diogenes right?”

    “Is that problem?” She cutely tilt her head. “I always have one ready for meal. Common courtesy.”

    “Every meal? Wait, just how many of these have you eaten?!” I glanced at her in abject horror, “What do you know?”

    “Uh? Kamehameha knows many things.” She assumed a thinking pose. “Like, I know plants need light to grow nice and strong. And water, air, nutrients, the right temperature, space and time. So you need to choose the right place and the right season-”


    Much, much later


    “-And that’s why, despite humans and plants using the same nucleotides and the same double helix’s DNA structure, we so different!” The green-haired girl beamed before swallowing the last piece of food in her plate.

    “That sounds about right?” I glanced to the rest of the table. Lancelot was consuming the food, while the other two occupants of the table. Both of them had long since stopped paying attention and looked more like the aftermath of one of a certain monk’s lectures. “Not really what I meant when I asked what you know but hey, cool, glad to know I’m not literally the only human left on this earth that knows what DNA is. It’s weird but cool.”

    “Nature great teacher! You only need to learn how to listen.”

    That was when a Zipang soldier, who in an effort to stave off the heat was only wearing a white shirt and short pants, walked inside the restaurant. He briefly looked around before making a beeline for our table. “Lord Miyafuji, lady Himiko. I bring news.”

    I blinked, “Okay on a scale of one to ten how bad is it because I’m pretty sure half of the heroes at this table here are dizzy from knowledge.”

    “One, my Lord. A delegation arrived from the nearby city-state of Babylonia, they said they want to meet their new neighbors.”

    “Right, time to king shit then I guess.” With a sigh I stood up from the table, still having not eaten anything, before plucking my adopted(?) sister up. “You guys enjoy the meal. Oh! And don’t just leave Mazero lying there.”

    “Got it!” Lancelot cheerfully replied before turning to the waiter. “Excuse me, can I have seconds?”

    “Ma’am, you and your friends - but mostly you - ate everything we had stored.” Faced with Lancelot’s sad expression the man faltered. “...I’ll ask the chef.”

    ====

    “Heyo!” I shouted, bursting open the door to the meeting room, Himiko by my side.“Was thinking of shouting ‘Somebody once told me’ but I think that would be too on the nose. Anyways someone reminded me I was a king so here I am!”

    Nobu and Yoshi facepalmed at the same time. Even their groans were synchronized. Kublai, Marco and Sun were also there, though they seemed content to watch for now.

    “Oh, it seems there is some truth in the rumors.” Woah woah woah holy shit. How am I supposed to describe this chick? She was, uh, very green. Like, super green. Green clothing, green hat, green hair. The things that weren’t green were the chains? That she had on? Is it supposed to be a fashion statement or a religious thing? I dunno man. I also could barely see her face through the dumb visor she had on. Like okay listen, they look exactly like a pair of sunglasses, but dumber. I was half expecting her to start finger blasting us at any moment. “Greetings, King of Zipang. It is a pleasure to meet you for the first time. I am Hammurabi, the governor of Babylonia.”

    “Uh yeah, hi.” My head whipped towards Sun, glanced at Marco, before turning back to her. “Okay is that particular hair color common or did a green haired genghis khan happen and I didn’t know about it?”

    “I wouldn’t say it’s common, but neither is it rare. More like uncommon.” The Taika strategist answered. “Of course, the exact percentage varies depending on the region. Right, Marco?”

    “Hmph, why are you asking me? But I suppose you’re correct, since only us Polo had green hair back in Venice.” The ex-explorer, now spy, commented.

    “Is the color of my hair an object of interest to you, King of Zipang?” Hammurabi asked with sincere curiosity.

    “Well back where I’m from the only hair colors anyone could have without dying their hair was black, brown, blonde, red, and sometimes white. I don’t exactly know how hair colors work around here ya know? Oh but don’t ask where I’m from. It’s complicated… and no longer in this world.” Memories of a familiar but changed Hawaiian island popped up into my head. Where the streets and city that I grew up in had been taken over by nature, not a single trace of the world I once lived in existing. I shook my head of the thoughts before sighing. “Great, most of my nicknames for Marco focused on her green hair. Now I need to think of something more specific.”

    Said girl sneered at me before going back to quietly worship Kublai. Meanwhile, the taller and greener woman slightly lowered her head. “I apologize, it was not my intention to drag up painful memories.”

    “Why are you here, then?” Yoshi demanded. “From what I heard Babylonia is a country that doesn’t concern itself with the outside world.”

    “Like I said, I merely wished to meet our new neighbors. The king of Macedonia tried to conquer us several times, I would like to know if this will continue or if I can finally give my soldiers their deserved vacations.” The governor smoothly replied.

    “You give your soldiers a vacation?” Nobu asked.

    “Wait, we don’t?!” I asked, whipping my head in her direction. “Isn’t that like, really bad for morale?”

    “We give leaves, not vacations. There’s a difference.” Yoshi explained. “Most soldiers are farmers and other kinds of basic workers during peace times. A leave allows them to continue working on their livelihoods even during war times.”

    “That is true for many countries, yes. Not for Babylonia.” Hammurabi replied. “Among us being a soldier is a full-time occupation that began with training and last until resignation or retirement.”

    “How do you handle the logistics?!”

    “Through careful planning.”

    “Mmh. Fair enough.” I shrugged, “Anyways, right, conquering. Um, it’s uh, it’s kind of a complicated subject. I’m kinda like, contractually obligated to? And not with like a human I mean like a higher power akin to a god designated me to do it. Well to be more specific the goal was that I ‘unify humanity’ and honestly that’s so vague that if we can find an alternative solution that doesn’t involve a war I could like, run it by him and see if that checks out?”*

    “...Interesting. While I will require further proof to be fully persuaded, I shall not context your claims for now. I am still your guest, after all.” Hammurabi nodded. “It is a tragic reality that, in this world, strength is necessary to enact change. But there is a great difference between strength and violence, one that may take an entire life to realize. King of Zipang, let me ask you a question: what does being a ruler mean to you?”

    “Ooh you’re asking all the complicated questions aren’t you?” I tapped my chin while shaking my head, thinking. “Well the textbook answer would be that a ruler is simply the person who is in charge of something, but it’s always a bit more complicated than that isn’t it? From a personal definition, everyone has their own idea of what a Ruler is, and that usually shows with how they rule. Some rule through strength, some rule through fear, some through popularity, and some through just being born lucky, but I suppose you’re looking for how I see ruling right?”

    Hm, how to answer this…

    “From my point of view, in regards to the circumstances that have led me to becoming the King of Zipang, a Ruler is one of trust. It is the one singular person who all the citizens place their trust in with hopes that they guide them to a better future. From a young age, I never dreamed about becoming a king, but eventually I found myself unsheathing the sword Kusanagi no Tsurugi and suddenly everyone was electing me to be king. They put their trust and faith in me, so I have to step up you know?” I tilted my head. “People who think that the strongest is the most naturally fit to rule are kind of fools. Sure the strongest may cause change and chaos, but somebody who can’t control the ripples in the pond will just cause the whole thing to turn into a distorted mess. Kings only have their power because of the faith their subjects place in them. There is no natural law of this world that just because a king is in power means they have to stay in power. Nothing prevents people from rising up and rebelling. But they don’t, because they believe that having the ruler continue to rule would be best.”

    Ah crap I’m getting a bit long winded, needed to sum this up. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that a ruler is someone who serves the people. While from the surface it may seem like the other way around, nobody will willingly give a king power who doesn’t have their best interest at heart.”

    “Oh my... Your words were honest and beautiful.” The green-haired, green-clothed woman smiled. “You’re right, I wanted to understand how you see ruling. And I like what I heard.”

    She gracefully stood up, her chains clinking slightly. “I have accomplished everything I planned for today. With your permission, I shall now take my leave.”

    “Already? You come here out of the blue, ask some questions and then just leave?” Nobu asked with an annoyed face.

    “I apologize if my actions are confusing, but I assure you I have my reasons.” She turned to me and bowed. “Young king of Zipang: when the time is right we shall meet again. Until then I will pray you never lose your way. Farewell.”

    “‘Aight. Try not to get destabilized or destroyed by the conspiracy aiming for world chaos!” I waved.

    “...That went... alright?” Himiko muttered once Hammurabi was out of sight. “Seriously, what did she want?”

    “Sounds to me she was testing the waters.” Nobu commented. “Babylonia is famous because it has maintained a strictly defensive policy of non-aggression since before recorded history. As a result, they have never been conquered by another country.”

    “But even with such a policy in play they need to be ready for possible aggression.” Yoshi nodded. “I don’t think she has hostile intentions, but she’s definitely planning something.”

    “Jeez guys, a bit overthinking this much aren’t you?” I groaned, “Sure, you’re looking at this from a military and diplomatic perspective, but you aren’t really taking into account the kind of person she is. Her main goal in coming here was obviously to test me and see what type of ruler I am. It’s not like that question came out of nowhere.”

    I tapped my finger on the table as I tried to sum up what I learned in that brief encounter, “For one thing, she’s obviously someone who values peace a great deal. It may seem odd to give soldiers a vacation, but it was clearly something that genuinely mattered to her. In fact, to her, we probably seem like the weird ones. Secondly, she carries herself in a sort of vibe similar to Ashoka, Jeanne, and Sanzou but like, actually kinda legit. Her words obviously were meant to carry a lot of weight, so she strikes me as the type to be a sort of profound thinker.”

    I paused, “Er, to sum it up, I don’t think we need to worry that much. Like she said, when the time is right, we’ll meet again. I’ve offered a more peaceful solution then just outright conquering them so all we need to do is prove our cause is legit and I don’t think we have to worry about anything from them.”

    “...That would be an ideal scenario. But considering our past experiences it doesn’t raise my hopes much.” Yoshi sighed softly. “I will consider it a small grace that we are not going to fight a two-fronts war. The logistics to and from Macedonian lands continue to be hard.”

    “I have a solution for that.” Sun took out her customary stick and tapped the table. “We need to restore the Silk Road.”

    “Isn’t it the road we took to come here?” Kublai spoke for the first time.

    “The general direction, yes. But the true Silk Road was a network of trade routes that connected the East and West. Sadly, according to my information the various structures that facilitated those trade routes have fallen in disarray following India’s corruption problems and Macedonia’s conquering streak. If we restore and put it under our control the gains will be amazing!”

    “More money?!” Himiko stood up and slammed her hands on the table, eyes shining.

    “More money!” Nobu declared as she imitated Himiko.

    “Shame I don’t know how to react here.” I shook my head, “Something something that’s very cash money of you I dunno.”

    Real shame material wealth doesn’t entice me that much. Real shame.

    There was a knock on the door. Before anyone could answer it opened, and Lucy slithered inside. “Reddie fell asleep after pretty much writing an entire book and half the walls. The doctor doesn’t expect her to wake up until next week, Dog Girl is watching over her.”

    “Well did she give the book a cool title?” I asked, partially because that was the first question to pop into my head.

    “Katoptron Katho Phlegon.” The red snake answered. Then paused, as if carefully considering his words. “Boy, are you familiar with the expression [Imma firing mah’ lazer]?”

    “Excuse me we came from the same time period right?” I asked, “Because I need to know if you’re like two decades behind on memes. Also… Oh god she didn’t.”

    “I’m several thousands of years old, my memory isn’t perfect. And yes, she did.” He shrugged. “Well, for now it’s merely a siege weapon that only works during summer. Also, it needs four Brave-using individuals to operate. But if those conditions are set? I doubt there is anything in the world capable of not turning to ash.”

    “Uh… fuck.” I turned over to the rest of the table before rubbing the back of my head. “Whoopsie, I just destroyed the balance of war forever. I swear I only did this for conspiracy theories.”

    Nobu had a hungry expression on her face, slowly licking her lips. “Tell me more.”

    “Down you.” Yoshi bobbed the pink-haired woman on the head with her sheathed sword. “The same is true for the rest of you. Let’s handle this like responsible adults.”

    “Muahahaha!!” Himiko laughed. “Burn! Buuurn!”

    “How to restore the balance of war when someone does something both revolutionary and moronic.” Sun muttered as she wrote. “Now to shorten it...”

    “Can you ride it?” Kublai asked, looking totally serious. Marco was swooning, as usual.

    “Okay so um, to put this into perspective, you know what items that are ‘blessed with the sun’ or something are? Usually they have like a neat little magical fire or just stronger thing going?” I rubbed my head. Oh what the hell have I done? “This is not that. This is, to put it bluntly, actually throwing the sun at people. Now I’m pretty sure this goes against several rules of war so uh, fuck I don’t want to use the super murder death ray thank you very much.”

    Think think think...

    I turned over to the snake. “Listen when Archimedes wakes up, if she remembers anything, tell her to make it less killy but more compact and portable as a trade off. Hide the documents some place where no one, and I mean absolutely no one, would ever look. I don’t care if this means on the tip of Mount Everest or up your ass, never bring those documents out until the absolute worst case scenario. Got it?”

    “Got it. I may be associated with sin but, by my bloody hell, I take responsibility for my actions.” Lucy answered seriously. “I’ll take the Vimana and see if some places I remember still exist.”

    His tail slid inside and pointed at Nobu. “Don’t give me that look Pinkie. Stick with muskets, you’ll enjoy them a lot more.”

    “BUUURN!!!”

    “And someone please snap Shortie over here out of her delusions!”

    ====

    Notes:

    Alex: This reminds me of Indian mythology, where various demigods tossed magical nukes at each other.

    Chen: This fucker made me write an impromptu speech about kings with absolutely no warning!

    Alex: And you did great with only a short amount of time. Did you ever consider a political career?

    Chen: I’m already king. Hell no.
     
  12. Frankfawn43

    Frankfawn43 Know what you're doing yet?

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    All Hail the great king and his great sun laser!
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2020
  13. Anon_Anon_Anon

    Anon_Anon_Anon Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    Almost forgot that this was a thing, anyways enjoyed the fic and eagerly waiting for more.
     
  14. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    Chen nicknamed many other characters by just going with the first two syllables, such as Yoshi and Nobu.

    Designating the newest character "Hammu" sounds perfectly in character.
     
  15. Winged One

    Winged One Not the Simurgh

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    Or "Hammy," if he doesn't want to sound like a weeb.
     
  16. Threadmarks: Chapter 51: Make A Man Out Of You
    Alexander

    Alexander That is not dead which can eternal lie

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    Chapter 51: Make A Man Out Of You

    ====

    After Satan left to find a, hopefully, completely secure and foolproof hiding place for the super murder death ray’s projects, we left for Damascus to finally meet Alexander face to face. Again.

    Diogenes asked me to offer her regards to her teacher, Aristotle, and humbly request that she forgive her and Archimedes for losing without even lifting a finger. Which, I mean, yeah fair, but also I’m pretty sure the giant boar made that understandable. Also they totally got a better deal out of that then we did.

    Regardless, we finally made it to the city of Damascus, which I’m pretty sure a certain Rick Roll fucked me over into thinking was a form of currency. It was... I mean it was a city I guess. It had walls, buildings, and mountains but I grew up in Hawaii so you know, I’m not really impressed.

    “I’d ask Lancelot if they had some sort of impressive food to compensate but-“ I cut myself off with a shiver. “Yeah. No. Macedonian food is a very local dish.”

    “I don’t know about the local food, as Lancelot-dono is a greater expert than I could ever be, but if you want, my Lord, I can tell you about the Damascus Steel that first became famous in this city.” Maragi told me.

    I snapped my fingers. “Oh! That’s why it sounds familiar! Wait what was that famous for? Was it the mirror laser thing- No that was us crap. Is it a coin? I think they use it to make coins.”

    “They also use it to make coins, as Damascus Steel is more valuable than gold and silver, but it is weaponsmithing where it truly shines. While in Baghdad I came into possession of a small Damascus blade.”

    She took out a small knife blade without a hilt and presented it to me.

    I blinked, “Holy shit that looks cursed.”

    Have you ever seen that cliche hypnosis black and white rings? The entire knife was like that. I wondered if I could actually call it craftsmanship because it looked so natural, as if the knife just existed like that. The wavy pattern on the metal reminded me of a tree ring, but it was so chaotic and fiddly that my eyes started to spin.

    “It’s like someone turned the 70s into a weapon you could stab someone with.” I stated as I tried to avert my eyes. “It’s psychedelic incarnate what the fuck.”

    “I assure you, my Lord, it is not cursed.” Maragi stated simply. “You can tell it’s Damascus Steel by the distinctive patterns of banding and mottling reminiscent of flowing water, or in a ‘ladder’ or ‘teardrop’ pattern. Blades such as this one are extremely tough, resistant to shattering and capable of being honed to a sharp, resilient edge. Damascus Steel is made from Wootz Steel, which is imported from India, but the technique to work it is a closely-guarded secret. I am afraid my esteemed local colleagues will sooner kill themselves and their own families before revealing it to someone not initiated into their society. Even if that someone is the ruler of the country.”

    “Alrighty then…” I mumbled, slowly taking the blade out of my personal blacksmith’s hands before an idea struck me. With a slight grin on my face, I took Kusanagi out of its sheath and pressed the two blades together. “Eat it. It will make you stronger.”

    Naturally, all I got in response was a blast of heat from my sword that caused me to yelp.

    “I do not believe feeding knives to a sword is a good method to strengthen it. A diet rich with iron is healthy, yes, but humans and swords are not the same thing.” Maragi said with a completely serious tone. “There are some eccentrics that disagree, but I cannot speak in their place.”

    “Are you done dilly-dallying?” Nobu drawled. “Because we have a battle to fight.”

    “Silly Nobu, the fight is the dilly-dallying!” I exclaimed, wagging my finger before pausing. “Also I think we’re just waiting on them now.”

    “Uhm...” Sun shielded her face from the sun with one hand and squinted her eyes. After a few moments she raised the other and made a series of quick gestures. “Either they want to parley or ask us to go drinking together. Could be either, the accent is horrible.”

    Apparently it was the former, because we soon saw a familiar crime against fashion running towards us... while carrying someone?

    “Wahahahaha!!”

    “Put me down! You put me down right now young lady or I swear I-Eeek!”

    “Great!” Nobu slapped a hand over her face. “More comedy.”

    Alexander came to a sudden stop, large jets of sand spraying on both sides, and put down her passenger, who stumbled a bit from the unexpected change in speed. Well the person in question was a brunette with a ponytail and fairly obviously an adult woman. She had a similar kind of mascara around her eyes that Seimei does and her outfit was quite similar to Sun Zu, being a long blue dress that, for some fucking reason, was puffed up like a big baloon.

    “So close to not being a fashion disaster, if only her skirt didn’t defy gravity.” I shook my head before patting Sun. “I think you pull off the teacher look better.”

    I dunno what it was, probably her cherry red lips, but something about her face made me want to punch it. The smug aura mocked me. Well, not so smug with how Alexander was treating her.

    “Thank you. I mean, please don’t pat my head as if I’m a child but thank you.” Sun replied with a half-annoyed tone.

    “Alexander! I’m perfectly capable of walking by myself!” The tall brunette chastised the walking fashion-disaster. “You don’t need to carry me like a sack of potatoes.”

    “But Teacher, you can’t run with those heels. Not to mention that poofy dress you like so much even though it makes you steamy all day.” Alexander laughed. “You should walk around in only your underwear just like me! Collecting a harem of fine men would be child’s play!”

    “I’m not doing such a thing!” The other woman shrieked. “And what do you mean with ‘harem’?! Where did you learn those things?”

    “From Pops! He said harems are a great thing, because if one has a headache you can just go for another.” Alexander then scratched her head. “Though I never understood what headaches have to do with harems.”

    “They have nothing to do with each other!”

    “What’s this, a comedy skit? A boke and tsukkomi?” Himiko muttered in disbelief, and I hated that I understood what that meant. “Am I supposed to laugh?”

    “Oh god why did they have to talk about this in public...” I groaned, putting a hand on my face as I felt blood rush to my cheeks. That was, before an idea struck me. Putting on my most suspicious face, I cocked a raised eyebrow to a certain pink haired commander and her ‘european’ style. “So, a harem of fine men huh?”

    “I don’t like what you’re implying, brat.” Nobu growled.

    “That’s right!” Surprisingly Himiko came to Nobu’s re- ”In Nobunaga’s case it would be a harem of sex slaves!”

    Never mind.

    “WHAT?!”

    “With ropes. And candles. And long, big smooth objects that can’t possibly fit but will do anyway because she pours slimy stuff all over it and-”

    The pink-haired commander calmly gave her musket to a nearby soldier before leaping at Himiko.

    “I... I have no words.” Yoshitsune rubbed her forehead as the two childhood friends rolled shrieking, one in anger and the other with panic. “I really have no words.”

    “This is simultaneously the most embarrassing conversation I’ve had in my life, and also the most hilarious.” I couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes, both because my face was currently bright red and because I was hunched over laughing. The next sentence I spoke was extra loud though. “I have to wonder. If we asked Goemon to search through Himiko’s stuff, would we find some secret, special, grown-up stuff?”

    “NO!” Himiko shouted.

    “YES!” Nobu howled.

    “Probable.” Yoshitsune muttered. “No need to trouble Goemon, I’ll check it myself.”

    “Everything I’m hearing is so worth recording.” Sun chuckled. “Hey Magoroku, do you know some appropriate sword jokes?”

    “Several, but I was told I’m not good at comedy.” Maragi nodded. “Something about my face and voice always being out of place.”

    “Quick! Tell them to me! Nobody takes me seriously anyways!” I gestured for the woman to whisper in my ear.

    “As you command, my Lord. The first one is an old classic told from old teachers to young and enthusiastic students.” She whispered in my ear. “Teacher, said the student, I am about to invent a circular sword. But my student, replied the teacher, what’s the point?”

    I turned to face Maragi, expression blank. “No. Nope. No. That is neither situationally appropriate or- Okay so it’s kinda clever but, no. Really, jokes are like the blades of comedy. And that joke has no point.”

    “Impressive swordplay, my Lord.” Maragi actually smiled. “Then maybe you’ll appreciate this one more. The blacksmith says: ‘I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks.’ In response the sword says: ‘Hit me more!’.”

    “I, uh, wait how do you know-“ I shook my head. “No. No. I’m not thinking of how Tumblr transcends time and space, lord knows Jeff Bezzo having done that with Amazon is enough already. Uh, hey Alexander!”

    “Yes cousin?” She replied, still laughing as the brunette teacher waved her hands with an indignant expression. “Oh, Teacher said I need more proof before declaring someone’s family. I’m sure she’s worrying about nothing, but maybe you can reassure her?”

    “My worries are legit!” Said teacher protested.

    “Uh, just for the record, that was something Alexander decided on. Not me trying to trick her or something.” I shrugged. “It happened because I know about the whole story of the maze, the Minotaur, think his name was Arsterios or something? Anyways the one with the golden thread. If knowing that’s all it takes then we’re siblings of knowledge at the very least.”

    “See, Teacher?! He even knows the name of great-great...” Alexander stopped and started counting off her fingers. After a short while she gave up. “Great-something grandfather! Nobody else in Macedonia knows it.”

    “The legend of Theseus and the Minotaur is widely popular in Greece!” The brunette protested.

    “Really?! You mean I have lots of relatives in Greece?!”

    “Alexander, I know you’re brighter than this so please stop hearing only what you want!”

    “I get the feeling you guys aren’t really listening to me so I’ll just start spouting off nonsense.” I coughed. “You see, when you look at a relative, you know it’s a Relative. I’m a relative, Alexander’s a relative, Himiko’s a relative, you’re probably a relative if we look hard enough. Therefore, there must be some perfect relative, in a perfect world, that everyone uses to recognize what’s a relative. Etc. Etc. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.”

    Meanwhile, two soldiers talked with one another. “Aren’t we supposed to, you know, fight now?”

    “Yeah, but this is entertaining so let’s keep watching.”

    ====

    “That never happened.”

    “What never happened, Teacher?”

    “Nothing happened. We just got here. That’s a teacher’s order.” The brown-haired woman, who turned out to be Aristotle herself, declared with a firm tone and eyes that promised a fierce spanking as she glared at Alexander.

    “I don’t get it, but alright!” Said horned girl cheerfully replied before looking at me. “Hey cousin! How are you? Ready for some hot, steamy and absolutely exhausting action?!”

    “Uh, actually I got magic stuff in my armor that regulates my temperature.” I admitted with a shrug. “I may be an island boy but fucking hell is it hot in Macedonia.”

    “Neat! I don’t need it because I was born here and this is just comfortably warm for me. Does it also work with cold? Because I always wanted to visit the north but Teacher said it’s so cold your blood freezes if you’re not a native, so I couldn’t. You can’t fight the cold, I tried!”

    “Oh yeah you can’t fight the cold. If you could, I’d have had Jack Frost’s head a long time ago.” I blinked. What were we here for again? Oh right. “Anyways, fight time! I know you said you wanted to fight all the strongest warriors of Zipang but do you mind if we hold back a bit? I feel like using a God-Made-Boar last time was kinda cheating and also I fed Archimedes a magic apple and she broke war so hard we had to ban it from the meta.”

    “I only understood a little of what you said, but that’s alright! See, I thought about it.” Why did everyone on my side look skeptical? “See, my dream is to see the far-off places of the world and tour ruins with Teacher. And I heard Zipang’s goal is to conquer the whole world. So if I win you guys join me and we go out conquering the rest of the world! And if by any chance I lose I join your guys and still get to conquer the world! It’s a WIN-WIN! Wahahaha! After all I’m the Champion of Conquest! You can’t conquer the world without me! It’s LOGIC!”

    Wow. She said logic so forcefully that I was almost convinced it actually was. Though I feel if we compare our track records, I would actually be more eligible for the Champion of Conquest.

    “Eh, sure. That’s a loose approximation of logic.” I shrugged. “So how do you want to do this? Every hero all at once? Every hero all at once plus the godly treasures we pulled from treasure hunts? 1v1 final destination, no items, fox only? You got a lot of options here cus.”

    “The first! Definitely the first! Oooh, I’m so excited my spear is shaking!” She raised her weapon, showing that, yes, her spear was shaking. Her hands too. “My stick has never been so hard!”

    “One day, I’ll find out who is teaching you this stuff...” Aristotle darkly muttered under her breath. “One last question if you will, King of Zipang. How are my students, Archimedes and Diogenes, doing?”

    “Well Archimedes kinda had an existential crisis after I asked her to go through all her memories. Perfect memory backfires when you’ve existed more than once ya see? Then she decided to take a bite of the forbidden fruit, went into an inventing fugue state, and probably understands light better then any human on the planet right now.” I paused. “Oh and I think Diogenes is fine. She was going to eat the magic apple as well but after Archimedes did uh, that I don’t know if she took the plunge into how the universe works. I mean I know you philosophers think it’s your job to see into the perfect world of ideas buuuuuuuut there’s a reason knowledge can be considered a curse. Also, they still haven’t been able to keep their pants, for reasons I cannot comprehend.”

    “Their chronic lack of skills related to money is one cause, I’m still working out the rest.” Aristotle sighed. “Still, it sounds par for the course when those two are involved. I’ll check on the later and see if they need remedial lessons.”

    “Want a hand? I am quite good at making remedial lessons.” Sun interjected. “Name’s Sun Tzu, nice to meet you.”

    “Ah, the famous strategist from the Taika Empire. It’s an honor.” The brunette offered a polite bow. “It’ll be a pleasure to put my strategies against yours. Now Alexander, if you would be so kind.”

    “Sure thing, Teacher!” She raised her spear high in the air. “Now, to the distant ends of the Earth!”

    Brave exploded out of her, blowing backward in the form of golden particles like grains of sand. They swept over the assembled troops, infusing them and igniting their own Brave.

    “As long as our chests beat with ambition for the far horizon, the campaign shall never end. Raise your cries of war! AAAALaLaLaLaLaie!!”

    “AAAALALALALALAIE!!!” The thousands of now-empowered troops repeated the war-cry, their voice so loud they buffeted us like strong wind.

    “Uh… Fuck.” I declared before gripping the sword on my hip twice. “Alright guess I’m going to have to use that. Hold on what was the chant again-“

    Kusanagi vibrated menacingly at my side. “Jeez! I’m kidding! Ahem! Feel the Brave in me and… Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade.”

    Looking back, this chant was kind of embarrassing. Still, I cribbed it from the woman who taught me everything I knew- Okay not everything- It was mostly just her beating me up but- still. I couldn’t not say the chant. I rarely use it often, but the fires that formed greeted me like an old friend as a warrior of divine fury formed in the sky above. “Take form! Tsumugari no Tachi!”

    Hetairoi! Now advance! To victory!” Alexander yelled one final time before making a beeline towards me, the rest of the troops following in her wake. Meanwhile Aristotle has retreated to stand before several units of archers, issuing several orders while waving her riding crop.

    “Ah! It’s Lu’s favorite tactic!” Sun exclaimed. Her face turned deadly pale before becoming cheerful again. “I’ve built a resistance to headaches! Chen, keep Miss Fashion Disaster busy for the moment, I’ll direct the rest of our troops!”

    “I have the ANTI-ARMY technique going and you want me to fight the-“ I cut myself off with a curse. “Nope, fuck. I get it. Hey Alexander! Giant Sword Crash!”

    I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to name the, uh, giant sword of fire that slashed into the ground but you know what it’s fine.

    Alexander dodged it. I already knew she was fast, but the way she effortlessly weaved between gouts of flames and superheated sand - was that glass? - like a technicolor blur drove home that last time was nowhere near her best. Her troops were not as lucky, but a surprisingly large number of them resisted being swept again by blocking with their shields, followed by throwing their spears at the giant of fire, the light coating weapons making them look like bolts of energy.

    That was when, in a moment of keen clarity, I realized why Sun asked me to fight Alexander even if TnT is an anti-army technique.

    Because, right now, Alexander and her troops were so completely synchronized they were basically operating as a single entity!

    “...What the fuck?” I muttered to myself as I witnessed the sight before me. In truth, that question probably applied to a good many things right now. How did Sun know about this? How the fuck did this even happen? Oh right, Brave bullshit. “All right keep calm Chen, just gotta figure this out and thiiiiiiink. You can do this, you gotta big brain uh uh-“

    Hey question, how do you devise a tactic for a humanoid cluster of single celled organisms? All right first things first… RAMPAGE! With a loud bang I smashed my giant sword into their numbers, aiming to cause as much chaos as possible.

    The spears-turned-bolts-of-light pelted the giant of fire: individually they were not enough to inflict more than a scratch, but their sheer numbers put up a pressure I distinctly felt though my connection with the giant. As the giant sword descended once again the troops reacted slightly better than before, dodging in advance or interlocking their shields to spread the force of the impact as much as possible.

    “Not bad! Not bad at all! Wahahahah!” Alexander laughed as she ran even closer. One soldier raised his shield, allowing her to jump over it and leap into the air. “You can get harder than this, right?! Because I am so hard right now I could EXPLODE!!!”

    With those completely inappropriate words she twirled the spear in her hand. Grasping it in reverse she pulled her arm back before tossing the weapon straight at TnT’s face. If her soldiers’ spears were like bolts of light, Alexander resembled nothing less than a lightning bolt of pure, cracking Brave.

    “Bwahahaha.” I responded as my jaw felt the phantom shocks of actual lightning. Okay! So! New plan! TnT is uh, wonderfully ineffective at fighting the Wonderful 101 here. What would Sun do in this situation- No, what would Lu Bu do?

    … Probably not what I’m thinking but Alexander rides her men like horses. They stop and go at her orders, and if you’ve ever seen a movie ever, you know a hive mind like that has one weakness. As the Macedonian Warrior began to land, I called upon the technique literally shoved into my skull and burned in my brain. “GO-SHINTAI!”

    I still fucking hate this technique, but the giant soldier armored my body like an old friend. A friend that was very fucking bright because wearing an armor made of fire is bad for your eyes. “Hey! Alexander! Come here! Ole!”

    “Oooh! You can do that?! Neat!” With a flash of lighting Alexander’s spear returned to her arms. “Alright boys, make a circle for us and keep everyone’s out! This is now a duel!”

    “DUEL! DUEL!” The Macedonian soldiers chanted as they quickly set around me and Alexander, shields locking together like a turtle to create a giant ring of metal that separated us from the rest of the battlefield.

    Above the air was full of arrows and spells shooting everywhere, the light green of what I was mostly sure was Sun’s Brave clashing with the azure one of someone else. Probably Aristotle.

    “Now! Winner or loser! This decides everything!” Alexander shouted lines you could find in a fighting videogame. Holding her spear with both hands she shot towards me. “DUEL ON!”

    “It’s time to get your game on!” Ugh, way to get my lame on. Why did I have to quote that now, stupid impulse mouth. “Now I’m just going to say I have one and only one strategy and if that doesn’t work then I’m just going to be doing random shit for the rest of the fight!”

    “What a coincidence, so do I! We really are cousins! Wahahaha!” She thrusted her spear at me, the sharp blade-like head aimed at my chest. With a quick footwork, I shifted my body to do a smooth rotation around the thrust before… sheathing my blade.

    Now, here’s a fun fact. Annoyingly, I had to look up at Alexander. Why? Because she was taller than me. Then again, a lot of heroes were taller than me. Lu Bu, Kublai… Ignoring my slight complex about that, it actually gave me an advantage here as I proceeded to be a little shit and dash into her personal space, avoiding the spear thrusts as I used Brave to boost my speed. Fire followed my trail as I got up close and personal with Alexander before I proceeded to reach up, grab the girl’s horns, and slam my forehead into hers.

    That’s right. Go-Shintai was used for no other purpose than padding as I proceeded to use her horns as handle bars to smash her skull into mine.

    “Ooouch! Close quarters, my only weakness!” Alexander cried out from the, rather devastating, headbutt. Her large forehead was both burned and bleeding, and so close I could now see she had a red card club’s symbol painted (tattooed?) over it. “Toooootally random idea!”

    She dropped her spear and wrapped her arms around me, yellow Brave covering them in a protective sheen.

    Then she started squeezing. That was the first problem. To illustrate this issue, allow me to put some numbers to the facts. I’m 5’6 inches. Alexander is 5’9 inches, so when she decided to hug me tightly my head uh…

    “Mmmh!” I shouted in suffocation.

    “Mmmh?” Alexander repeated with a puzzled tone. Luckily for me she was not as physically strong as she was fast, but it still took some effort to fight back her grasp. “I don’t get it.”

    With a Brave-fueled by human survival instincts, desperation, and a shit ton of embarrassment, strength and power coursed through my arms and I quickly shoved the Macedonian leader away. My body, squeezed of it’s natural strength, quickly dropped to the floor with a thud but my mind was still in a flustered panic as I pulled myself to my feet and shouted at the top of my lungs. “‘Mmmh’ translates to DON’T PUSH ME INTO YOUR GODDAMN BREASTS!”

    Go-Shintai had already burned away it, and my face was still red hot. My hand covered it in embarrassment but I swore anime land had made smoke come out of my ears.

    “My breasts? What’s wrong with my breasts?” She poked at her chest in confusion, only for her face to light up in understanding a moment later. “It’s because they’re soft, isn’t it? While you prefer hard and firm! I get it, I get it: after all, I feel the same! Wahahaha!”

    Having once again completely missed the point Alexander reached out with a hand, lightning-like brave flickering over her skin-

    And then abruptly fizzling out. The horned woman’s body swayed a little before falling down on one knee. “Oeeeh? Oh man, I’m out of Brave! Usually Teacher gives me some more before it happens… Ah, it’s because she’s too busy now that I am not focusing all the enemy’s attention to myself. What a blunder!”

    Still laughing Alexander forced herself back to her feet. “That was short but intense. Hey cousin, I don’t think I can use any more techniques. Want to resolve this with our fists and celebrate with a drink afterward?”

    Don’t get mad don’t get mad don’t get mad...

    “Firstly, I don’t drink. Secondly, allow me to introduce you to Hawaiian Boxing. You see first you get ready...” I forced a smile on my face before I quickly dashed towards Alexander and through a right hook right to her face. “And then you take turns hitting each other until one gives up!”

    Incidentally this was a real Hawaiian tradition, Kamehameha was quite good at it. Some may consider it brutal, but please remember that these are the people who take paths of sharp rocks formed from lava and use it as a sledding trail for sports.

    “Oooh, sounds fun! Let me try!” Alexander tanked my hook before answering with a straight punch to my face. “Wahahaha!!!”

    In the end she was knocked out first, marking it as my victory. I quickly joined her in the arms of Morpheus, my face feeling like it had been battered by a rain of tennis balls.

    Alexander the Great is one helluva fast woman.

    ====

    Notes:

    Alex: When they say that true men speak with their fists…

    Chen: Uppercut! Uppercut! Dodge Dodge! Left right left right hook straight hook! I practiced boxing, remember?

    Alex: Yeah. I just thought boxing involved some form of, you know, dodging?

    Chen: It’s Hawaiian boxing, well It’s a tradition throughout Polynesia. It’s a sport not a fighting style, so the name is a bit misleading. But yeah it’s hardcore as shit.
     
  17. Frankfawn43

    Frankfawn43 Know what you're doing yet?

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    It is a great day to get some more eiyuu senki.
     
    shadowace2400 likes this.
  18. EvaUnit01

    EvaUnit01 The man who stands at the top of AAWWEESSOOOMEEE

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    This line coming on the heels of marshmallow hell is hilarious.
     
  19. Iron Roby

    Iron Roby Getting out there.

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    This is still the single best and single Eiyuu Senki fanfic.
     
    shadowace2400 likes this.
  20. NekoNekoBoy

    NekoNekoBoy Leader of the Idiot Brigade

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    Thanks, we work hard. Or well, Alex does. I flounder around and he has to deal with it.
     
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