My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

Chapter 6: Simple Plan

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It was the dead of night and the only source of light was a bunch of dirty old guys gathering around a campfire. I and several of what could only be called my men were hidden inside the woodland forest, keeping ourselves hidden in the dark as we observed them.

“Looks like they’re all sleeping.” One of the bandits commented before his friend hit him in the back.

“This country really is easy going.” He declared. “The barracks aren’t lit and the guards look sleepy.”

Another one of the bandit joined in the cheer as well. “I heard this was our golden opportunity, but I didn’t think we’d be able to come this close to the capital so easily.”

I sighed, even with the traps we put in place the amount of Bandits that slipped through were still too many. It’s not like we could just light the forest on fire, we rely on that you know?

"You’re joking, right? Did you forget all those traps on the path?” One of the Bandits exclaimed in exasperation. “I lost almost one half of my men!”

“Tough luck, I haven’t lost a single man. I guess they’re so easy going because they’re confident in their defenses.” No but you don’t know that. “A pity they weren’t enough to stop us.”

“All that’s left is to sneak in, steal some nice things...” The first bandit mumbled. “We could even take over Yamatai.”

“Yeah. At this rate, it seems like we could.” Another agreed as all of the bastards nodded their heads.

Try it. I dare you. You’d be dead by morning.

“Ready, everyone?”

“Yeah!”

“Of course.”

“Tch! Don’t diss us out yet! We can still fight!”

“We’re going to take the capital by storm! We’re united with bandits from all around those parts, so we won’t lose even to the military! Now let’s make some money to-”

Enough of this shonen bullshit. I quickly waved my hand to give the signal as we all poured out of the woodwork, Himiko leading the charge.

“Not so fast!” She yelled as she... She’s posing.

Of course she’s fucking posing.

“Who’s there!?” One of the... Okay I’ll admit I’ve stopped keeping track of which bandit's which. You can barely even see their face anyways.

“Himiko of Yamatai at your service!” Our genius queen exclaimed with a smile. “I’ve come here tonight to take care of bandits! Troops, at your ready!”

“No way! How!?” Another bandit shouted, all previous bravado gone.

“Because fuck you.” I declared, tone trying to mix crass with elegance. It really wasn’t working but I was trying dammit. “That’s how.”

Hey he walked into that one.

“As you can see you’ve been surrounded.” Yamato steps forward, one hand already on her sword’s hilt. “Surrender now if you don’t want to get hurt.”

“We haven’t lost yet! Even if we are surrounded, you’re still outnumbered!” One of the apparent leaders tried to win back morale. “And I heard Yamato Takeru is retired! We still have a chance!”

“Right here’s the deal. We’ve been preparing for your arrival for a week now, you never even had a chance of surprise. And you wanna know why? Because you were sold out.” By, like, God but I wasn’t going to tell them that. “So either sit your ass down or we gut you like a fish and leave your corpse for the worms.”

At this point I was starting to feel like I was playing Good Cop Bad Cop with Yamato and I wasn’t the Good Cop.

Hah, how did it come to this...

“Sold out!?” Immediately all other bandits shot those close to them a suspicious glare, as if searching for visible hints of who was the traitor. Eh, show's how much trust there is among bandits that isn’t golden and shaped like coins.

Meanwhile, Yamato’s withering glare made the bandit who spoke break out in a cold sweat. “I did leave the frontlines as you said, and I am not what I once was. But you’re two thousand years too early to think you can face me and our troops. Especially now that the Servant of Heaven has sided with Yamatai. This is your last warning! If you don’t want to face divine punishment, begone!”

“We, We can’t give up now! No choice but to force our way through!”

“Oh yeah? So you can take cover behind your allies?”

“The heck are you saying?!”

“Confess! You’re the traitor! I suspected you from the start! Your armor is too well made to be stolen!”

“It is stolen, you idiot! From a brothel while the previous owner was busy but-What about your sword?! It’s awfully shiny!”

“Because I clean it regularly! Dumbass!”

“I’m afraid we can’t say who among you is the traitor, client confidentiality and all that, but we can say one thing.” I tried my best to make the most deviant smirk ever cross my face, I didn’t even know if they were looking at me anymore but it helped. “They were paid quite handsomely~”

Technically that was a lie, unless religious sacrifices counted but I don’t think we do those. Still, the idea of being sold out was basically rooted into their heads at this point.

I think. I was basically trying to be the devil here and lie my ass off. Was it working? I have to ask the others later, even if Yamato might kick my ass or something.

It’s not not being honorable if I manage to create minimum injuries right? Besides, we could probably actually just pay a bandit later to cover our ass in case anyone asks who. I mean hey, free money for them right?

...Don’t look at me like that, I can barely even understand Geometry do you think I know how psychology works?

“That's enough. It's awfully amusing, but we don't have all night." Yamato whispered to me with a barely concealed grin. Well, it looked like my fears were unfounded. Taking out her sword with a sharp motion she pointed it at the bandits. “Well then. If you’re not going to back off yourselves, we’ll just make you! Himiko, your orders!”

“Yes! We’ve been looking for you all after you ambushed us on our way back from the expedition.” Himiko goddammit if you ruin this... “We’re not letting you off this time! We’re going to beat you up and smack you around so hard you’ll never come near us again! Everybody, there’s no need to hold back! Go all out!”

“Drop your weapon and sit down if you want to surrender, if not-” I unsheathed my sword. “DEATH COME UPON YE!”

I paused and blinked for a moment before sharing a glance with a nearby soldier and mumbled out my confusion. “What the hell was that?”

That probably sounded so weird to the locals.

“Uhm...A threat?” He replied, not sure if it was the right answer or not.

“Rhetorical question.” I waved. “Alright men! HIT THEM ‘TILL THEY DIE!”

And that was when we zerg rushed them.

====

This wasn’t fun.

It’s not like I expected war would be fun and games, I was trying to prepare myself for the opposite really, but eventually halfway through the fight I realized something:

Having the goal of “Killing every man that’s standing” really is shitty, it gets dull after spending minutes on end just killing everyone in front of you. Eventually their faces even turned into a blur, and the part of me that was instinctually appalled at killing seemed to just pack it in at one point and suddenly it was all more like factory work.

Idly I glanced over at Takeru’s side and hot damn. The men around her were having a bit more trouble than mine but she really pulled up the slack. She was far from going as fast as me but her blows felled ten men at a time, and the unified screams of agony sent a shiver of fear going down my spine.

Man that’s going to haunt my nightmares.

Soon however, there were almost no Bandits left in the area, those who actually had a braincell were running off into the woods and being totally honest I didn’t have the motivation to go and chase them down.

One such bandit stopped at the edge and turned around, waving a fist. “We’ll get you next time!” Then he bolted away.

“Remember! The walls have ears!” I waved before turning back to everyone. “Whew, that’s over. You guys alright?”

“Yes. I’ll need to replace the right spaulder, but better it than my arm.” One soldier commented while looking forlornly at the ruined shoulder part of his armor.

“That was amazing! I got to watch both Yamato Takeru and the Servant of Heaven fighting!” Another was behaving almost like a fanboy.

“The walls have ears! Ah! That was a good joke.” A third one snickered.

Himiko, by contrast, was staring silently in the direction the last bandits escaped to. Then she suddenly smiled. “We... We won! There were so many of them, but we won!”

She turned to face me. “It’s all thanks to you Onii-san! This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t rallied the troops.”

“I think it was more that their morale was on the downlow but okay. On that note...” I turned my head to Yamato and raised my hand. “Up top yo!”

She stared back with a blank expression.

“I just... Come on don’t leave me hangin- Oh you don’t know what I’m doing do you?”

Stupid Sengoku Japan...

“I do not.” Yamato replied. “I assume it is some kind of celebratory gesture used in the heavens? You’ll have to show me the necessary steps in that case.”

“You just sort of slap my hand back. For example...” I slapped my own hand which was quite sad before turning to the soldier who snickered at my lines, and held my hand out to him before we shared a look. “Yo.”

I need to stop saying yo, what was this, the 90s?

He looked first at me and then at his own hand before slapping it against mine. “Yo?”

“Yooooo- Okay no more Yo I feel like a Brad.” Son. “Himiko? You as well?”

She needs a high five, she did good. I think.

“Like...this?” She raised her hand and lightly slapped it against mine. She seemed pleased. “Eh eh. But Onii-san, are you okay? You aren’t forcing yourself, right?”

“I... think I’m fine?” I paused, looking myself over. “I don’t have a blade in my back right?”

“Don’t even joke about that! Jeez!” She pouted. It was adorable. Her next words, less so. “But, even though you saved my life, now I've put the weight of Yamatai on you. My plan was to slowly, gradually force you into it like a noose tightening around your neck..."

Er- Wait she was going to what?!

“...I take back that high five. In fact, no more highfives for you. Ever.” I mean to be fair she wasn’t a good queen from what I’ve heard but I wouldn’t be a good person to put in charge either. “Think on what you’ve done.”

“Nooo! Why did I say that!” Himiko cried in distress.

“I see we still need to work on your concept of etiquette Himiko.” Yamato, despite her words, was obviously enjoying our byplay. “So, how was your first real battle?”

“Er, honestly I stopped paying attention and went on autopilot halfway through or so.” I think, you can’t really force these things. “Nice job on your end though, I didn’t think killing ten men in one blow was physically possible but then again, I didn’t know spontaneous sword fire or divination was either.”

“Thanks, but stopping to pay attention during a battle sounds like a wonderful way to slip up and die.” Yamato’s tone was even, but her words weren’t said lightly. “It doesn’t look like I can go back to a quiet life in retirement if the two of you are like that. Very well then. I’ll return to my post until Yamatai is ready.”

“Really!? Takeru!”

“Yeah. I’ll let you tie your noose around my neck, Himiko.”

“Hauu!” The younger girl cried at the jab.

“Don’t worry!” I gave the older women a mock salute. “Even if you are an old woman with the face of a thug, the Himiko Army will always accept you!”

I admit, I may have been saving that one for a while...

For a second there was utter silence. Himiko stared at me wide-eyed, while Yamato just gave a small nod.

Then she took a step forward and placed a hand on my shoulder, clenching her fingers until the metal groaned and giving me a smile worth of the devil itself. “I was thinking on going easy on you in respect to your age... But I see now there is no need for that. All that’s left is a victory speech from the Servant of Heaven to soothe our soldiers’ tired bodies, a quick nap and then we can start your real training.”

A sense of dread caused every fiber of my body to run away in fright but I powered through it with a nod before blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. “Himiko has to go through it too! If you’re going hard on me go just as hard on her!”

“Oni-san! Traitor! How could you!?”

“Like you don’t need it!”

If I’m going down I’m taking you with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yamato just sighed. “Yes, there is no way I can retire if I need to leave this country in the hands of children.”

And that folks, is how I fully took on the role of Servant of Heaven and ended up going to war for WORLD DOMINATION!!!

What is the lesson what is the takeaway? You may think it’s “Don’t leave a country in the hands of two awkward people”, or “The Gods may not have as good a judgment as they’d like”. You’d be wrong.

The answer is, and always will be, if you’re planning on doing something, get Yamato Motherfucking Takeru to help.

 

Chapter 7: This Is War

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Yamato was a fiery demon from the depths of hell.

I’ve lost track of how many days it’s been since I arrived here but the fire-blooded purple haired bitch is still holding her spite against me, and Himiko by extension. Or she could just be deriving amusement from my suffering.

Yeah, I can see that.

Still I was improving, at the very least I think I was, and even I could tell going to Saka- er, Yamato’s Boot Camp was better for me in the long run. It wasn’t like she was torturing me mentally like back home…

Uh where was I? Right yes time skip time skips. Eventually however, the three of us had planned a meeting to discuss our next move and other future endeavors.

It’s going about as well as you’d think.

“We no longer have the threat of the bandits looming over us.” Himiko began. “Now Yamatai will finally be at peace.”

“...Are you sure about that?” I asked, struggling not to hit myself for making an old joke. “Because uh, looking at future plans, I doubt Yamatai will have peace for a long time.”

World Conquest would do that yo.

“Of course. We will have the peace...to start planning for World Conquest without pesky distractions!” She said with a grin, as if proud of her own joke.

“That was bad. Spend more time thinking up wordplay if you want to impress others. Rather, you shouldn’t spend time on that at all.” Yamato mercilessly cut her down. “The bandits may have been defeated, but as Chen-san suggested behind their attack there may be someone else. It is out of the ordinary for such numbers to have gathered.”

“You mean... Someone might have used the bandits to attack Yamatai?” Himiko asked.

“Possibly. I doubt they’d have the capabilities to as they put it ‘Unite all the bandits around these parts’.” I paused, trying to remember that night a bit more. “Something like that would require a leader if they were doing it on their own. A bandit king if you will. Otherwise they’d just be in chaos the entire time. So either we are dealing with more bandits, or the most likely option, they all got paid to unite and attack.”

“I don’t really know what you’re getting at.” Himiko seemed genuinely perplexed. “Could I have a hint?”

“It’s not a riddle. There are no hints.” Yamato immediately shot back.

“That’s true, but... I can’t answer it either...”

Yamato sighed. “I am not asking you to. Let’s think this through: who would benefit the most from Yamatai being weak?”

“Benefit the most? Benefit... Benefit...” The younger girl began to repeat under her breath before yelping in sudden realization. “Oh! It was a simple answer. There is only one person that would do such a dastardly thing. It must be Nobunaga! She must have hired the bandits for payback! The only explanation! My genius at work again!”

I stared at Yamato for a few seconds before shrugging. “I mean, that’s... Technically something I could see Nobunaga doing? Can someone get me a map and fill me in on who exactly controls what?”

“Map, map...where did we put those?” Yamato mumbled while walking to a nearby bookshelf.

Meanwhile, Himiko was still riding the highs of her ‘genius intuition’. “Nobunaga’s probably still mad about the time I gave her frozen sandals.”

“Just give me a sec to think this out okay?” I told the girl before turning back to Yamato. “Find it yet?”

“No. Why there is a cooking book there?” Yamato said back in a confused tone.

“...Is there actually any organization to that shelf?”

“How dare she? How very dare she? That’s disproportionate retribution, that’s what!” Himiko was still lost in her fantasy. “I have to get revenge for this! I shall return! We’ll use our momentum to defeat Nobunaga in Edo, and then...”

“Found it. And aren't you forgetting something, Himiko?” Yamato returned with a rolled up scroll she opened between us, revealing a map of Japan. The form was as I remembered it, but only three main cities were showed on it: Yamatai, Kyoto and Edo, with Kyoto being between Yamatai and Edo. “If you’re aiming for Edo, you should set up Kyoto as a forward base. Musashibou-”

“It’s most likely Kyoto.” I interrupted before wincing as Yamato punched me in the arm. “No look, let me explain! Okay so Nobunaga is in control of Edo right? All the way over there.”

I pointed towards the country on the map. “So Nobunaga being the culprit of paying the bandits runs into two problems. The first is that she’d have to go around to the other side of the goddamn island and then keep almost her entire army unnoticed while she recruits every bandit in the area for a siege. Now, it’d make sense if she planned to go raid on us right afterwards but it’s been days since that battle and I haven’t heard about some secret army hiding in the mountains for no reason.”

“The second reason is: why.” I paused to let that sink in. “You guys said it yourself, you guys lost several times in battle with her. She doesn’t need to hire bandits to mess with us. In her mind, she could easily conquer us if she decided to strike. So why would she need to hire other people?”

“Kyoto on the other hand.” I continued. “Would be the much more safer bet. For one thing, it’s our closest neighbor. It doesn’t need to deal with other people in the way of its pursuits, we’re right next to them so we can be invaded easily. The second is the knowledge of what the bandits knew. See, they clearly didn't know much about the defenses of the capital city. Hell, it sounded like they’ve never even seen it before. Not to sound arrogant but they didn't even know about me, something which is basically the hottest topic right now. Which means that if they were hired by Kyoto, it would be between the area right between our borders, a place they could easily reach.”

“But wait!” I waved my hand in the air. “I’m not done! You see, the final nail in the coffin is that, well, it’s Kyoto. Correct me if I’m wrong but Edo is currently the strongest of the three countries military wise right? Well if I’m remembering correctly, Kyoto may not have the strongest military but it was the former capital city. And you know what that means it would have? Money. Enough to say, hire all the bandits in the area to attack the weakest of it’s rivals?”

I let out another pause before sighing. “Okay now I’m done. Thoughts?”

"Those are very good points." Yamato shook her head. "Except for one simple fact: if Nobunaga has no need to pay bandits to weaken us, then on the other hand Minamoto no Yoshitsune and Musashibou Benkei are not the kind of people who would ever do something dishonourable like that.”

“Yoshitsune and Benkei... We made our way around them last time, so I forgot all about them.” Himiko mumbled. “I’ve heard Yoshitsune and Nobunaga had a meeting recently. I don’t think they’ll let us through that easily... She may be a scary woman, but she never used something like bandit attacks for her scoldings...”

“So, great.” I sighed. “We’re probably dealing with both countries then. You think Nobunaga pulled a... Nobunaga and took an important hostage and is now threatening Kyoto into helping her ambition? Because I highly doubt that was a talk just for the sake of peace, I mean it could be but for Nobunaga that’d just be code for ‘don’t get in our way when we march across your lands and we won’t fuck you up!’. Also Kyoto being the former capital and all, I think she’s probably looking at it with quite greedy eyes.”

“That may be possible. Since Nobunaga is also aiming to unite Zipang, then Yoshitsune is an opponent that she will eventually face. We tried to get her on our side during the last expedition, but all we got was a scolding letter telling us to stop. In any case there is only one thing left to do.” Yamato’s lips widened into a grin. “Get the truth out of her, even if we have to beat her and her armies first.”

“Guuh...I don’t want to see Yoshitsune.” Himiko whined. “She treats me like a child...”

“She was your tutor. It’s only natural for her to do so.”

“No it’s not! I am not a child anymore! Fine! There’s no way I would give up my goal of world conquest!” She yelled, now suddenly energized. “What about Yoshitsune?! I’ll show her how much I’ve grown! From this point on, we are beginning the war to unite Zipang!”

“Okay Yamato, let me get this straight. We’re going to raid Kyoto, in order to potentially save Kyoto.” And than suddenly something clicked in my head and before I knew it I couldn't stop laughing. “AHAHAHA! I guess it’s time to take back the holy land than?! Pfft, Ha! Gather the soldiers we’re having us a crusade! DEUS VULT!”

====

Notes:

NNB: So if there's one thing I'm learning from being in this FI it is: don't put me in charge of any organization, I accidentally start crusades.

Alex: I wouldn't call it a crusade...

NNB: It is totes a crusade! Kyoto is basically Jerusalem!

 

Chapter 8: Down On The Corner

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“Onii-san! Takeru!” Himiko stormed inside the room while I was still struggling with the budget. Shortly after our decision to crusade Kyoto, for some god forsaken reason Yamato put me in charge of the military. Which of course means I had to deal with all of the logistical stuff, problem is… I’m me. “I finally obtained some information regarding the one behind the bandit’s attack! As I thought, the culprit is Nobunaga!”

I stopped reading the piece of paper in my hand and turned to Himiko, raising one eyebrow in the process. “Okay but did he say it was Nobunaga or did he just say something that made you assume it was Nobu?”

“Ah ha! Do you think I would be so easily fooled? I kept tickling him with my new weaponized feather until he spilled all the beans!” Smiling smugly Himiko held out a note to me. “The bandits were hired by people wearing the colors of Edo. Everything’s written here.”

“Right okay...” I took the note out of her hand and began to glance it over. “‘It was obviously those Edo bastards! They had the colors of Edo and everything... It was totally Edo. They’re the ones who gave us supplies and gold’. Right, uh, are you sure they weren’t just paid to say that either? Your beef with NobuNobu is... I think it’s pretty well known? And she doesn’t even make an appearance at all in this note. It’s like: ‘C’mon guys it’s totes Edo’.”

“NobuNobu?!” Himiko was suddenly worried. “Is... Is that an... endearing nickname!?”

“Nobunaga is becoming a mouthful to say so I’m just going to drown people in the world Nobu like Nobu Nobu Nobu until the word Nobu becomes as useless as Ora. Nobu.”

“Buwah?!” Himiko looked like she didn’t even know how to react to that. I had that effect.

“The two of you get funnier by the day.” Yamato smiled while taking the note. “Himiko’s torture isn’t very reliable, but I doubt a bandit would stick to a deal even after being captured. You can’t spend gold in prison after all. That said, it shouldn’t be difficult for someone to pretend they are from Edo. So we’re back to square one.”

“So either they’re from Edo or they’re not from Edo.” I sighed. “Have we considered just, you know, asking Kyoto what that meeting was about?”

“No... but it’s not too late!” Himiko declared with confidence.” We only need to add it to the Declaration of War to Kyoto! Let’s write it immediately!”

“...Please don’t tell me we’re putting Himiko in charge of writing this.”

“We don’t have a choice. She is the nominal rule of Yamatai, and doing otherwise is against protocol.” Yamato sighed. “Don’t worry, I’ll guide her and make sure she doesn’t mess it up.”

====

“Dear Minamoto no Yoshitsune.” Himiko slowly wrote, the hand holding the brush shaking. “I hope this correspondence finds you in... Wait, how do you spell ‘correspondence’?”

“Here, it’s not that hard.” Yamato wrote it on another piece of paper.

“It’s the first time in a while I’m doing it by hand.” Himiko complained. “And my hands are shaking because I haven’t held a brush in a long time...”

“Better than me.” I declared looking at my own hands. “I couldn’t write cleanly if it killed me.”

It’s a problem that will never be fixed!

“Here, I’ll show you how. We’ll be sending out a letter full of scribbles at this rate.” Yamato began to write the letter on another paper for Himiko to copy. “You wouldn’t have so much trouble if you practiced regularly.”

“Takeru, you were the one that suggested a substitute because my writing was impossibly bad...”

“Hm. I don’t really remember.”

“Always playing dumb when the tables turn against you. Jeez...” Himiko looked annoyed.

“Yamato, how about you write down everything Himiko says.” I suggested. “Not like, literally everything but- Goddammit you know what I mean.”

“I know, but if I don’t start now we’ll never get that bad habit out of her.” Yamato replied. “Also, Yoshitsune would definitely notice. Don’t worry: with some luck, this won’t take long.”

It took Himiko over 10 tries -a good time according to Yamato- but she finally finished and sent the declaration of war. Now we only needed to wait for the reply and we could begin the crusade to take back the Holy Land.

Deus vult.

====

Eventually said reply arrived.

“The reply’s finally here...” Himiko, letter in hand, gulped. “I’ve got butterflies in my stomach...”

“On a scale of one to ten how pissed do you think they’re going to be at us?” I gulped, trying to hide my nervousness. “Current estimate breaks the scale.”

War... This was finally it huh? Not a war on bandits but an actual war between nations.

And one I couldn’t afford to lose.

“My insides are churning just thinking about what it might say...”

“I can read it if you want.” Yamato offered.

“I-I’ll read it myself.” Himiko declined, though it looked like she wanted to do the exact opposite. “I practiced again and again to send out that letter. She’s probably amazed at my beautiful handwriting. ‘I’m impressed you improved this much,’ it’ll... say...”

“...The fact that you’re trailing off suggest the exact opposite.” I ‘helpfully’ supplied. “Face it Himiko. Face her wrath with courage.”

“I’m courageous. I’m courageous.” Chanting that mantra Himiko opened the letter and read the reply.

“......Augh.”

Her whole body froze, the face a rictus of disbelief and broken hopes.

“Let’s see...” I grabbed the note out of her frozen hands. The atmosphere was so thick you could cut it with a knife, or Himiko if you used her right. Ugh dammit that came out wrong. “...Holy shit did she just proofread your letter?”

She wasn’t even taking us seriously but this was comedic gold!

“I thought it would be fine to send this out without me checking, but it looks like she’s gotten even worse than before.” Yamato didn’t even look apologetic, as if she had nothing to do with it. “I can only read the beginning and end.”

“Heh, hehehehe...” Himiko was smiling, but it did not to lessen the impression she was pissed beyond belief. “So this is Yoshitsune’s answer. What disrespect, to just send me back my letter like this.”

Suddenly I noticed another piece of paper that Himiko had dropped in her initial shock just lying around on the floor.

“Hold up a sec...” I muttered as I picked it up only to be rewarded with the most beautiful handwriting I had ever seen. “...So the meeting between Kyoto and Edo was Nobu trying to get Yoshi to join her side and unite Zipang but Yoshi refused. Also we’re at war now.”

...Ugh what a fucking snob. You wouldn’t think you’d hate someone based on handwriting alone until you see this shit.

Himiko slammed her stick on the floor in front of her. “I see... I have certainly received Yoshitsune’s feelings.” Her expression turned murderous. “The shots have been fired! Starting today, we’re going to use every last bit of energy on taking Kyoto and clearing the path to Nobunaga! Onii-san, Takeru. We’re all in this together.”

“It’s all an inevitable part of your plan. Let’s do it.” Yamato simply replied.

“Oh Himiko.” I chuckled. “We’re not just taking Kyoto. We’re painting it red.”

 

Chapter 9: Five For Fighting

====

You know, to be truly honest I had lost track of how long we had been marching to Kyoto. I think it’s been around two weeks but there were so many mountains the days started to blur together.

Which is why when we finally reached the gates of Kyoto I had to blink to make sure what I was looking at was correct.

“Yamato.” I called. “What the fuck is this?”

“Language.” She scolded you. But she did so distractingly, for her eyes were burning a hole through the gate. “It’s quiet. Too quiet. There’s no trace of people.”

She did not just-

“You did not just say that.” I mumbled before speaking louder. “Right! So, we finally reach Kyoto and it’s a ghost town. How much do you want to bet that this is a trap?”

“Onii-san is right: it’s definitely a trap. My sixth sense is tingling.” Himiko supported me in her own way. “Kyoto is a bustling, prosperous city. It’s never this quiet. I’ve gotten good enough to see through obvious traps like this.”

“You did run into a similar situation before and get defeated, after all.” Yamato casually remarked.

“D-Don’t talk about that!” The younger girl pleaded.

“Anyways, I can think of three options to deal with this.” I held up three fingers. “We could: A, send in a scout first to see if they spring the trap, though that’s sacrificing manpower. B, try and march all around to the other side of Kyoto to see if the situation there is the same but that’ll take time and energy. Finally, and this is really the first thing that came to mind, we start burning everything and we don’t stop burning until we have nothing left to burn. This is obviously a bad idea but fuck me I’m out of ideas.”

I could actually probably think of something else but we lack information- Hey why didn’t we send a spy first?!

Oh right, we don’t have those because they got merged with another division sometime last year. Goddammit who was in charge again?!

“Oi oi. What dangerous words are you speaking of.” A pleasant voice suddenly said, coming from above. “But at least you recognized it as a last resort, and thought of more sensible options first.”

I swear you could hear the collective sound of every person in our armies heads snapping up as we looked to the top of the gate, only to find a girl just shy of one or two years older than me. Her purple hair flowing down her back in a ponytail tied by a single yellow ribbon as she stood at attention, sword at her waist in a...

An armored sailor fuku? Goddammit her skirt doesn’t even reach her thighs you can clearly see the absolute territory!

“What the hell are you wearing.” I blurted out first. “No seriously, what?”

“Why, this is the traditional garb of my clan.” She smiled pleasantly. “My name is Minamoto no Yoshitsune. It would be most appreciated if you could remember that.”

She jumped down, gracefully landing in front of us. “You must be the Servant of Heaven. Nice to meet you. Himiko, Takeru: it has been a while.”

“Y-You’ve finally shown yourself! It’s not like you to show up without-”

“BENKEI REPORTING IN!” A loud, boisterous and childish voice shouted from above.

Followed by something, or rather someone landing on the other side of the gate and right in front of us with the force of a cannonball.

“Mission complete! The Himiko Army is as flat as a pancake!” A brown haired girl with... fox ears... declared. She was tinier than me and only wore a short white dress and some gloves but her back was filled with weapons of all kinds from giant spike clubs to spears to... saws... to... farming rakes-

“You know what? This entire thing? I regret it. I regret it so much.” I declared, my eyes twitching at the people who were in charge of Kyoto. “‘Tis a silly place. What the actual hell is this madness.”

Should’ve known, it was always the camalots.

“Not yet Benkei. The fun begins here.” Yoshitsune told the girl called Benkei. Just as troops began to appear from both flanks of our own army, effectively boxing it between them.

“Minamoto no Yoshitsune, skilled and nimble like a tengu. Musashibou Benkei, boasting unrivaled strength. This is going to be an exciting battle.” Yamato drew her sword, excitement already pouring out of her in waves.

“Yoshitsune alone was enough trouble... But now we’re pinned between her and Benkei... Ugh! We played right into their hands!” Himiko cried.

“Chen. I’ll face Benkei myself. You take care of Yoshitsune.” Yamato whispered to me. “Make her surrender, and this battle will be ours.”

So I was stuck with the school girl. Just great. At least it wasn’t the loli. “On it.”

Yamato wasted no time rallying her own troops to charge at Benkei, who meanwhile was joined by various ranks of spearmen and white robed guys with pointy hats.

That left me face to face with Yoshitsune, who was also joined by fellow samurai and more of the white robed pointy hat... I think they were called, uh... Goddammit I recognize what they look like, shrine magicians! Yeah, those guys. They have shinigami or something.

I’m so screwed.

“Focus on taking out... the mystic dudes first.” I told my own men. “Keep together and leave Yoshi to me, always have more than one man fighting a group got it?”

“You heard the Servant of Heaven!” One of them shouted, his sword raised high. “Forward! Target the Onmyouji! Stay together!”

With that we charged at the enemy troops.

Just in time to see Yoshi running at full speed towards me, nimbly dodging everyone trying to be an obstacle on her path. Once close enough her sword flashed, and if it wasn't for a sudden surge of adrenaline I would have been hard-pressed to block her blow. It wasn’t as heavy as Yamato’s, I think we’re more or less evenly faced, but she was faster than me.

“I’m impressed you blocked that, Servant of Heaven.” Yoshitsune smiled. “Looks like the rumors about you being versed in martial arts are true.”

“Ha- no.” I let out as I moved back into my regular stance,.“I just got beaten up by Yamato enough times. Not as fast as yours of course... But her ultimate technique is melee combat 101 with an extra step, I doubt she actually cares for speed.”

“Not bad. That means your mind is just as strong, then. I also heard you talk funny sometimes, but to train you so extensively Takeru must truly like you.” She looked pleased. “I trust her judgment, but some things must be experienced first-hand to be really understood.”

“I called her an old lady with the face of a thug and she decided to give me hell.” I declared bluntly, trying to keep my feet on the move by slowly circling around her in half steps. “We’re friends but you’re making this sound more special than this actually is.”

Actually was she still pissed about that?

...Probably.

“Honest and brave. What a wonderful combination.” She didn’t move, but her whole body looked as tense as a coiled spring ready to be set loose. “But I must see more - see if there’s any evil within. Anyway, there’s no holding back now. I shall be the judge of you.”

And then she was in the air above me, her sword coming down like a guillotine. I barely had any time to move out of the way before she crashed into the earth where I was standing. She flowed seamlessly into the next blow, a rising swing ascending towards me as I hastily twisted my body to avoid it before swinging my sword back at her.

The exchange continued for a dozen seconds, with Yoshi darting back and forth to strike from various angles and me parrying before counterattacking with minimal movements. At one point she stepped back, nodding slightly. “How odd. Your swordsmanship is still rough at the edges but good. However, I get the feeling there is more to it... Were you perhaps a bare-handed fighter before taking up the sword?”

“Got it in one, I was learning boxing before I met Himiko.” Crap I couldn’t see any obvious openings... Well of course I wouldn’t, that would be obvious. “But my bare fist isn’t going to stop Yamato from slicing me in two so I figured I might as well use the magic crystal sword that came out of nowhere. ‘Course boxing is all I know but when you’re in Yamato’s School of Hard Knocks you tend to adapt fast.”

“Boxing? I’m not familiar with a style with that name. But considering the time the first rumors about you appeared, it’s amazing how fast you learned.” Her eyes fell on my sword, and her gaze turned pensive. “Forgive me for asking, but what do you know about your sword? Did Takeru...ever comment on it?”

“Okay, Yoshi, pause for a second and look at me.” I gestured at myself. “You see this? All this fancy-shmancy armour? The crystal sword? Basically my entire load out? I have no idea where any of it comes from. Like, at all. Did it come from heaven? Who the hell knows. As far as my knowledge goes I went to sleep one day and bam, I’m in the middle of a battlefield wearing what you see now.”

“It seems like I asked a question you had to answer many times before. I apologize.” She replied. “But if what you said is true, can you tell me why you decided to help Himiko and Takeru instead of trying to return to your home?”

“I lived halfway across the world on an island in the middle of the ocean both several centuries away from this time and on a completely different timeline.” I deadpanned. “I doubt there is any way I’m actually getting back, plus Yamatai’s been pretty nice to me all around so why wouldn’t I help out? Even if Himiko can be... Himiko.”

Spill the beans. Spill all the beans.

“Time travel? Truly, I didn’t expect that answer. But I don’t believe you’re lying. Fascinating.” She breathed out before smiling. “That’s enough banter for now. Shall we resume our duel?”

“I don’t know, I quite like talking.” I replied before we both moved and our swords turned into a flurry of clangs that rang throughout the battle field, our bodies (or maybe just mine) getting more and more cuts as we seemingly danced on the battlefield. And just like my dancing skill I was the awkward white guy who when not flailing around was like a solid rock. “Am I allowed to start Trash Talking? It’s the best of both worlds!”

“It is wise the warrior who chooses words over his sword. But it isn’t so wise the warrior that wastes his breath during a battle.” Yoshi gave me a knowing smile before trying to cut my stomach, “And it would be more effective against Benkei anyway. I prefer before and after a fight, not during it.”

“I really have no response to that.” I admitted, I mean I was going to say something about her legs but... Wait. “I mean if I run my mouth I probably won’t be able to control myself.”

And then I slashed aiming for the area of absolute territory between her skirt and her knees.

She dodged the most of it, only two red lines on her thighs the proof my attack connected, and went for a thrust to my shoulder, only for me to immediately twist my body and plant my freehand directly in her gut.

Mexican Bodyshot. Always works.

Except this time she grabbed my wrist, even as her sword left a thin cut on my arm. I managed to knock her out of breath, but just as quickly I felt the hilt of her sword slam on my cheek.

My mind turned to instinct at that moment as the next thing I knew I was slamming my head into hers, before following it up with another knee jab to the stomach as she started to let go of my hand. I didn't even give her any time to recover as I used my body weight to slam her onto the ground, one foot instantly landing one on her chest while to other pins her sword-hand.

My blade flashed right between her eyes as I held it there, panting but still standing. “You think we can declare this my victory?”

For a moment-just a moment, barely noticeable- her gaze flicked down at her body before she faced me again. “It is your victory. I lose. It’s my fault for forgetting you are also a hand-to-hand fighter.” She looked embarrassed. “Would you mind getting off me, so that I can announce our surrender? I would like to avoid further bloodshed. You can take my sword if you don’t trust me.”

Ha. Ha.

Did... Did I actually win?! I thought I need to do something clever or cheap like throwing dirt in her face but did I actually win?!

“Don’t mind if I do.” I grinned, grabbing the sword off the ground before hopping off her and holding it in the air. “Holy shit I actually won! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

It was only by using a bit of luck and my instincts but I did it! HA!

====​

At Yoshi’s signal all the Kyoto troops quickly put down their weapons, adding the word ‘end’ to the battle. When we reunited with the others it was to the sight of Benkei hanging from Yamato’s hand like a cat. Though now that I could get up closer to her, the animal ears from before revealed themselves to just be part of her hair.

Wait that made no sense! If your hair makes you look like you have animal ears then try to change it! Or at least maybe try to act like it or something?

“Nyau~...”

...Nice try kid.

“Are you alright, Benkei?” Yoshi asked her.

“Takeru showed no mercy...”

“There is no reason to complain. I’m probably hurt more than you at this point.” The purple-haired woman replied with a straight face. “You have become even stronger Musashibou Benkei, though you can gain much by learning patience. Take pride in that.”

“Thanks goodness.” Yoshi smiled. “Benkei, we’ve lost. Let’s surrender.”

“Really? But we’re not supposed to let bad people have Kyoto, right?”

“Bad people, yes. Himiko’s still Himiko and the Servant of Heaven probably isn’t a bad person.” Are you sure about that? “Also, Takeru’s back. It’ll be all right.”

“Well Yamato.” I cut in as something BenBen said clicked. “It looks like, for the first time in the history of ever, a crusade is a success. We’ve successfully taken back the holy land. Dues Vult and all that. How’re ya feeling?”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about. Sorry everyone, this guy has a weird way to raise morale among the troops.” Yamato rolled her shoulder. “I’m not in my best condition, though.”

“It’s still a big step up from before, when you didn’t fight at all. I was actually most surprised at her, though.”

Everyone looked at Himiko.

She blushed. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

“You’ve really grown up, Himiko. You used to run away as soon as you saw me.” Yoshi smiled.

“D-Don’t drag up ancient history like that...”

“Do you not want him to find out? Looks like I’ve figured out how to force you to study again.” She seemed very satisfied.

So am I like, not part of this conversation anymore? No boys allowed and all that?

Cool.

While everyone was laughing and catching up I maneuvered my way around to BenBen before waving my hand as casually as I could. “Yo.”

“Eey!” She waved back. “Are you the Servant of Heaven? I’m Benkei! Nice to meet you!”

“Hi BenBen.”

“BenBen?” She blinked in confusion.

“BenBen.”

“BenBen...BenBen…Ah!” She brightened up. “It’s a nickname, right?”

I gave her a silent for thumbs up. The tiny girl in front of me had activated my big brother instinct.

And unfortunately for her and probably anyone in the immediate vicinity, my big brother mode happened to be the weirdest thing.

“Friends use nicknames, right? Yay, Benkei has a new friend!” She jumped up in excitement. “Benkei needs to give you one. What’s your name?”

“Chen.”

“Chen...Chen...” She tried to look serious, but ended up adorable. “Che-ny!”

“Nooo!” Himiko’s scream came from the distance. “Someone stop her! Anything but Yoshitsune’s hellish lessons!”

“And Himi-chan!” Benkei immediately added, only for me to shake my head.

“Himiko is Himiko.” I nodded sagely. “Himiko can never be anything but Himiko because otherwise there would be no Himiko and her butt monkey status will spill out onto the rest of us. Himiko is bearing the pain for us don’t you see? Say it with me now, Himiko is Himiko.”

Himiko is Jesus.

Bless her for being the butt monkey for us.

====

Notes:

Alex: You're right, it's the weirdest thing ever.

NNB: No one knows what Big Brother Chen will do next. My chief weapon is surprise and whimsical randomness. Er, My two chief weapons are surprise, whimsical randomness, and...

Alex: Weirdness.

 

Chapter 10: 21st Century Boy

====

“All that’s left is Edo. One last step before Zipang will be unified.” Yamato suddenly said as we arrived inside our new meeting room. “What are your impressions so far?”

It had been a few days since we ended up having a successful crusade and now that we were all settling into our new digs Himiko had decided to call a meeting to discuss what to do about Edo. I think, she hadn’t actually arrived yet but Yamato had dragged me away rather early.

“It... Was kind of a bit less than what I expected?” I shrugged, trying to think of what to say. “Not to dishonor the dead, but I thought taking Kyoto would be a tougher job. I don’t even think any of us had to step into the city the entire fight.”

“Haven’t you noticed? Yoshitsune was just testing us.” She smiled. “That girl has no interest being the one to unite Zipang, but she wouldn’t let someone unworthy do it. Testing someone’s character through mettle is the warrior’s way. I heard the world is full of similar-minded people.”

“I didn’t know slamming skulls into each other is how people tested each other but who am I to dey this new social fad?”

“Ahahah. Yes, I heard how you managed to put her at sword’s point.” The smile turned into a grin. “Watch out, that girl may look polite but she’s capable of being totally evil if she wants to. But she’s a capable and trustworthy ally. Benkei’s the same. Your burden on the battlefield will be lightened now. I should be able to retire soon.”

Ah yes... Her retirement.

====

“That’s it for today.” Yamato lowered her blade. “Sword training is over.”

“Feel... Like... My lungs... Are burning...” I heaved, rolling over on the ground where Yamato had promptly sent me flying. “Give me a second.”

You know that saying 'no pain no gain'? Well that’s basically how muscle training works anyway. You just minorly damage your body until it gets better, but you can’t damage it to too often otherwise you’d majorly damage it.

That might be an oversimplification but you get the point.

Still, my motto when it came to learning things wasn’t ‘learn the basics’ it was ‘dive head first into everything until you get used to doing stuff’. It sounded like the stupidest shonen thing ever but really it helped me figure things out and learn on my own.

Which is why I ended up spending several days stuck in Saka- No wait I already used that joke. Uh... Need to think of an alternative to bootcamp...

Ah! Yamato’s School of Hard Knocks. There we go.

“You sure are short of breath. It’s going to be hard from here on out, at this rate. I do think highly of you, you know? You’re an important part of Yamatai’s army.”

“Oh lay off.” I scoffed, pulling myself to my feet. “I have been fighting against you for the past six hours. Not just fighting for the past six hours, fighting against you. Miss I-Can-Take-Out-Ten-Men-In-One-Blow. But uh... thanks for the compliment I guess.”

“I’m the one teaching you, so it’s only natural I applaud the growth of my student. No need to feel embarrassed about it.” She smiled. “Of course, I won’t stop training you until you surpass even me. I eagerly await the day, my apprentice-Agh!”

And then Yamato, who until now was as fresh as a rose, suddenly collapsed on her knees, her breathing hard as sweat formed on her face.

“Woah woah are you okay?!” I scrambled over to her, pulling my hand on her shoulder. “Hey! Hey!”

“Just got a little dizzy.” She shook her head, her conditions slowly returning to normal. “Nothing to worry about...”

“Really?” I deadpanned, “You sure have some poorish health. It’s going to be hard from here on out. I do think highly of you, you know? You’re an important asset in the Himiko army.”

“No need to go all sarcastic on me.” She pushed my hand away and slowly stood up. “I’ll be fine soon enough. I just...got a little too excited... Could you do me a favor and keep this between the two of us? I don’t want to worry everyone, especially Himiko.”

“Just...” I paused before sighing. How were you even supposed to react to something like this? “Just tell me what that was all about. I’ve heard rumors of your injuries but...”

“I just pushed myself too hard. That’s all.” Her expression softened. “Don’t make that face. I was hurt, yes, but I’m not in danger anymore. My body just has some troubles returning to its peak conditions. I guess you can call it lazy.”

“You pushed yourself too hard.” I blinked. “There are so many ways that you can do that but I get the feeling you don’t want me to ask.”

“I would be very grateful if you wouldn’t.” She made a small smile. “In exchange I promise to be more careful in the future. I’m going to retire once Zipang is unified again, I’ll have all the time to rest all I want after that.”

“...You know, that brings up an excellent question.” Please don’t hit me. “How old are you exactly? Truthfully you look like you’ve only just hit your twenties but you talk like you're forty.”

I expected her to hit me.

Instead her expression turned forlorn.

“...Who knows? Sometimes I just feel like...I’ve lived for far, far too long.”

====

“I can tell what you’re thinking.” Yamato suddenly said. “You should work on hiding it better.”

“Shh.” I whispered playfully. “Don’t you know it’s common courtesy to look off dramatically whenever you start having a flashback?”

That was a lie.

“You have etiquette for when people have a flashback where you’re from? Weird.” What’s weird is that she believed that. “I’m already retired and plan on leaving the frontlines soon. Eventually, I’ll be living a nice, comfortable life simply training my successor.”

“Yeah, and maybe you’ll find a man, get a nice home in the countryside, raise two-three kids together, watch them go up onto greatness, and eventually live in their care while lamenting on how little you get to see them.” I paused as if a divine revelation just occurred, “Oh wait. You’d fail at step one of that plan.”

She gave me a blank look. “...I’m not sure how to react to that, but I’m leaning towards violence. Give me a couple of days to decide.”

Himiko chose that moment to slide open the door and enter, thankfully putting an end to the awkward conversation for Yamato and incoming doom for me.

...Worth it.

“Oh, you two are already here. Sorry I’m late. Let’s begin the meeting, shall we? The topic, of course, is how we’re going to take Nobunaga’s Edo.”

“Where’s Yoshitsune? Shouldn’t we wait for her too?” Yamato asked.

“She’ll join us after checking the frontline formation at Kyoto...” Himiko grumbled. “She’s probably scheming about how to make us study.”

“Mandatory education yo.” I shrugged. “It’ll bite you sooner or later. How bad are her study sessions anyways?”

“It’s hell. They’re hell, and Yoshitsune is a demon with the lying face of an angel.” She stated in absolute seriousness. “Oh, if only I could forget... If I had wings, I would fly away from it.”

“Relieve that stress on the battlefield.” Yamato interrupted. “Nobunaga is aggressive, constantly engaging in skirmishes with Yamatai. We won’t need to declare war against her.”

“Cuz we’re already at war. So, about Nobunaga and Edo. The main problem with her is that she has an extremely troublesome unit armed with very troublesome weapons called ‘guns’.”

“Knew someone had those somewhere.” I blurted out. “Yeah, muskets right? Downside is we don’t have any way to defend against those, bright side is that muskets aren’t rapid fire and take time to reload if I’m remembering correctly. Basically if we can manage to take out their supplies we shouldn’t have to worry too much about it.”

“Oh, you already know about them, Onii-san? That’ll make things easier.” Himiko looked relieved. “According to Yoshitsune, Nobunaga is gathering more musketeers from somewhere else. We could go ahead of her and defeat them before they can group up... Hehehe...hehehehe...” She finished with a creepy laugh.

“Himiko has suffered from their guns multiple times in the past.” Yamato explained. “We’ll need all the information we can get. It’ll be a problem if we don’t prepare properly before heading to Edo. Since you know about muskets, do you have any strategy to use against them?”

“Uh... Well.” I shrugged, “No. Not particularly, I’m trying to think of a solution but the problem is they're ranged weapons and they’re fast. And I’m no genius on them anyways, but you said NobuNobu was getting them from somewhere right? Nobu.”

“Yoshitsune said she’s importing them from abroad, yes.”

“Perfect. Or close to it enough.” Hm, how to explain this... “We’re dealing with Europeans most likely, though you’ll have to start thinking a bit off the military track. Guns are weapons of war yes but the people importing them in aren’t invested in the war. They're invested in the profit they can make from selling these things, or maybe they're politically invested in wanting nails in the newest leader of a country. Whatever, point is that they probably don’t really care about how this war turns out. So what I’m suggesting is simple.”
I really wish I had a pose when my next words spilled out if my mouth. “We find out who’s importing to NobuNobu and see if we can cut them a deal to come to our side and start giving us muskets and gunmen as well. Maybe even training if we play our cards right. Because, well, you know what they say, fight fire with fire.”

Nobu.

“Europeans? Ah, you must mean the people from the EU. Yes, I’ve heard that’s where guns originally came from.” Himiko nodded. “Stealing that gorilla woman’s toys...hehehe. I like this plan. Once we capture Edo, we’ll have unified Zipang. Then, the Himiko Army will become the Zipang Army. For the sake of all my years of torment, I won’t lose to Nobunaga!”

“So, moving on to the next subject... We need an intelligence division. Badly.” I sighed. “Look I don’t want another ghost town incident. We need information, constantly. Maps to know the terrain, the enemies status, we need information or we’re going to die blind out there. Have you heard the saying 'if you know yourself and your enemies you will win a thousand battles, but if you know yourself but not the enemy you will win some and lose some'? Yeah, information is key. Because I doubt we could just plop a bunch of warrior monks in Edo and have them wear NobuNobu down for us Nobu.”

“Stop that.” Yamato chided me. Bite me. “Uhm, certainly someone able at gathering information would be useful. There isn’t any in Yamatai, but there could be in Kyoto. I’ll ask Yoshitsune about it.”

“...Speaking of, does anyone know where BenBen is?” I asked. “I’d assume she’d be here too but isn't she a bit too young for that?”

“She’s either with Yoshitsune or playing with the children.” Himiko told me. “Rather than too young...well, I never saw Benkei using anything even remotely resembling planning. She’s more of the ‘trust your guts’ type, you know? Except when it comes to weapons, but she isn’t interested in guns.”

“Okay then, current strategy when dealing with BenBen is throw her at a job and maybe she’ll get it done.” Yes, perfect. “All those who disagree with this action will be tried by the BenBen inquisition at an unknown date.”

“The...BenBen...inquisition?”

“I didn't know we had such a thing.” Yamato said in a deadpan.

I stared at her, eyes dark as coal and solid as rock. “No one expects The BenBen Inquisition.”

===

Notes:

NNB: I still can’t believe Alex hasn’t known literally all of my Monty Python references.

NNB: I mean where does he live, under a rock?

NNB: ...I suppose Italy could be called such.

Alex: First, I haven’t watched Monty’s films in years. Cut me some slack. Second, Italy is not a rock: we have plains.

 

Chapter 11: Inherit The Earth

====

“So if we cut the budget here...” I mumbled over the papers in my office. “No no- FUCK! Ugh, god damn piece of shit!”

My fists slammed into the desk as several papers went flying onto the floor. My anger steaming as tiny cracks started to form in the desk. This wasn’t the first time this had happened today, and it probably won’t be the last.

So managing an army with differing budgets is hard, I knew that, but merging an army with a conquering nation involved enough paperwork that my parents would be proud. Freakin corporate cubicle workers...

“That’s it!” I declared, standing up all of a sudden. “I’m on break! Gonna take a walk because fuck this.”

And with that I marched out of the room and into the busy hallways of the castle.

Stupid fucking Yamato, dumping this load of paperwork on me. Oh tomorrow's “lesson” will be fun...

====

I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again.

This place is fucking huge. Unlike the palace back in Yamatai, this building was clearly a castle built for an emperor. It was beautiful, in a way I guess, but to be perfectly honest the one back in Yamatai had a more homely feel.

I certainly didn’t need a bedroom the size of a classroom, what the fuck is wrong with the nobility?

Still, I had calmed down by the time I had finished exploring a good chunk of the castle. I still hadn’t managed to completely get the place down into my memory but I was getting there.

“Wait crap.” I mumbled, pausing in my tracks as I turned the corner. “How long is it going to take to get back to the office?”

It wasn’t like I had a designated amount of time for breaks but I did need to get those papers finished before tomorrow evening at the latest and I don’t feel like pulling an all-nighter...

Ah well, I’ll just enjoy myself for now in the silence of the hallway-

The sound of someone talking reached my ears as I stepped further in. It was muffled by the sound of something. Then it stopped, but I could swear it was the voice of Yoshi. “What the hell is she doing here...?”

Eh, might be a good distraction. Listening carefully, I quietly tiptoed over to the door the voices were coming from before pausing. My nerd knowledge tells me that if I open this door without checking first there is a 75% chance it’ll be a fanservice scene, but the more practical realistic side of my brain says such a thing is completely bullshit and will rarely ever happen in real life.

I quickly came to a compromise of ‘It’s Yoshi, there’s nothing to see anyways and I’ll just have my memories removed’ before grabbing the handle of the door and sliding it to the side. “Yoooooooo- Okay what.”

In front of me was not Yoshi, but Himiko. The queen of Yamatai stared into space with soulless eyes, paper in front of her wet with drool as the girl’s higher brain functions seemingly had come to a halt.

“Well.” I declared, taking in the scene in front of me. “Guess I need to bury a body now.”

“Drifting... Drifting...” The pitiful voice came from Himiko’s mouth, yet I could hardly see it moving. “Haha... I can’t go on... Don’t stuff my head...”

If I could I’d play detective but I can’t think of anything to say. Hm, so we aren’t dealing with a dead body but the victim seems to have gone mad. References to stuff in her head...

Think, think, clearly her head is full of something but what? Getting closer, I carefully examined the paper on the desk.

Questions. So many questions, they ranged from history to literature to- Why the hell was there philosophy in here?! The questions were endless and what I once thought was a single piece of paper turned out to be a solid stack of them, all so close together that you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.

It was a student's worst nightmare, an exam review sheet that had no specific subject.

There could only be one culprit. “Yoshi.”

“I see a light... Father, Mother, is that you...? I want uiro-mochi with azuki beans...”

“Subject has gone delirious.” I stated. “Mind is probably recessing back to her earliest memories, her thoughts are chaotic and have no internal logic anymore. She is in the mouth of madness and there is only one cure.”

Then I poked the poor girl in the stomach.

“Fuya... Sweet, sweet...”

“Physical senses are off. Her mind must be separating itself from her body to escape the trauma. Next test...” Thoughts raced through my mind before I came to a conclusion. “Talking.”

And with that I placed my hand on her shoulder and whispered into her ear. “Himiko, Nobunaga is your mother.”

“NOOOOOOO!!!” Himiko went from comatose from barely touching the ceiling in a nanosecond. Then she landed face-first in the papers before raising her head, a wild look in her eyes. She frantically looked around until she caught sight of me. “Onii-san!? I just had the most horrible dream!”

...I could work with this.

“Dream? What dream?” Mock concern filled my face as I pretended to be as innocent as possible. “Oh no, you couldn’t have had a nightmare! We need to get you to Nobu-mama right away so that she can fix you right up!”

Her eyes widened even more she bolted out of her seat. “Eeeeeekk! I’m still dreaming! Heeelp!!”

She ran at the other door in the room, only for it to slide open and for a hand to stop the panicking girl by the forearm. “I don’t want to intrude between sibling bonding, but it’ll take all day at this rate.” Yoshi said with a calm expression. “You had your break, Himiko, so are you ready to continue?”

“What...what...” Himiko babbled in confusion. “Is this a nightmare? Or reality?”

“Caught in a landslide.” I sang, “No escape from reality~”

Hey she walked right into it.

“Stop it.” Yoshi sighed. “Alright, as an exception for today I’ll extend your break, Himiko. I need to talk with Miyafuji-san anyway.”

“Yoshitsune is being magnanimous? This is definitely a dream. But a good one.” And with that Himiko grabbed a nearby pillow and curled up on the floor, starting to snore almost immediately.

“You know, you could give Himiko positive reinforcements.” Yoshi began to arrange the papers back in order. “It would help her.”

“I could.” I noted, putting a finger up. “Buuuut she designated me as her older brother and as such I’m contractually obligated to mess with her in good humor. Also I don’t think I can say anything, I have no idea how you teach but back home almost every student universally agrees that school sucks, if for different reasons.”

“I was talking about praising her. She wouldn’t accept it from me.” She stated matter-of-factly. “So, I heard from Takeru that you would like for someone skilled in information gathering to join us. I asked around, and by luck found someone that fit the bill. I would like to introduce her to you.”

An “Oh?” escaped my lips as I sat down at the table, scooting away a bit from the sleeping queen. “That’s certainly helpful.”

Yoshi nodded. “You can come out.”

“Yes, ma’am!” A boyish, respectful voice suddenly came from above before someone seemed to suddenly appeared next to Yoshi. “I’ve come as requested!”

A green dress adorned her tiny frame as the new girl stared up at me from behind her glasses. Her hat, which should’ve reasonably fallen off a long time ago, sat perfectly on her head even though it had no grip at all. Over all, if I had to describe her, it would be an adult the size of a child.

So of course, taking everything into account, my reaction was perfectly valid. “Woah what the hell!? Where did you come from?!”

“I was on the roof. I was really dusty, so I took the opportunity to do some cleaning.”

“...The roof as in-” I pointed upwards at the ceiling. “Or the roof as in on top of the building?”
“The first right now, the second as I was making way through this place.” Was her immediate reply.

“Her name is Tadataka Inoue. No one in Zipang can rival her ability to gather intelligence.” Yoshi introduced her. “She offered herself on a certain condition, so I invited her here.”

“You know Yoshi, when I said I wanted information officers I didn’t expect for you to find a goddamn Ninja.” I sighed. “Right. Okay, give me a sec to process this... done. So uh, Tada... No Taka... No uh, bleh your last name is a mouthful. I’m just going to call you Tama. Anyways what was that condition you mentioned?”

“Tadataka. Ta-da-ta-ka. It’s not that difficult.” She pouted. “Is what I heard from Lady Yoshitsune about your goals for world conquest after unifying Zipang true?”

“Yep.” I nodded. “Someday all the light reaches will be ours. It probably won’t last if the incoming apocalypse that Himiko divined is true but... we don’t have a hard date on that and hey, world conquest.”

She blinked in confusion at the mention of ‘incoming apocalypse’ before continuing. “There’s something I am devoting my life to completing. I am a surveyor and cartographer: someday, I would like to make a map of the whole world. If Zipang succeeds in its conquest, I thought I might be able to carry out my wish as well.”

“In other words, in return for her service she wants us to allow her the freedom to map the entire world.” Yoshi added.

“...How detailed are we talking here?” I stared straight into the tiny girl’s (woman’s?) eyes. “Describe what you’d want this map to look like.”

“My best work. My magnus opus! Nothing but the best of my best will suffice!” She declared with fervor. “But it will not be a single map. That’s not efficient. First are the maps of the single territories, containing all the details needed for all types of professions, from military commanders to builders. Then bigger maps of single nations, with less details but important places and roads. Finally, after gathering everything together, it will be a map of the whole world: continents, islands, oceans, everything with perfect proportions! The first of its kind!”

Single territories?

...I’ll ask Yoshi about it later, for now there was a colossal dream in front of me. Maybe a bit too big, really.

“Basically you want to make a guidebook for the world.” I declared, “That’s... Quite something.”

“Thank you. A guidebook might be pushing it. I don't have the skills to gather and collect the mundane information that a traveller could have a need of. Of course, if someone will be able to do so using my maps it would me happy.”

“It’s... Doable I suppose.” I shrugged. “May need updating every decade or so but I don’t see why I wouldn’t let you make this map of yours.”

“Ah! Does that mean...?” She trailed off, her tone hopeful.

“Yep. Go nuts.”

She blinked. “You desire nuts?”

“I believe that was a way of saying ‘Yes, you have my permission’.” Yoshi informed her.

“Yessir!” Tama stood on attention. “I will work to serve you, my lord!”

“Ugh this is going to increase the paperwork by miles I can already tell.” I groaned. “Right, why don’t you go and do me a favor by estimating the cost of everything you’ll need?”

“...You mean,” She slowly began, her eyes wide. “The cost for the surveying equipment is covered apart from my pay?”

“I... Yes?” I asked hesitantly. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

A map of the world would be hella useful anyways. Or is she talking about the Intel gathering equipment? Fuck if I know.

“My Lord! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” Tama literally leaped at and hugged me. “I won’t need to take part-time jobs just to eat anymore!”

“Off Tama off!” I struggled. “Sheesh you’re reminding me of back home!”

“Yessir!” She jumped back and stood on attention again. “I’ll do the estimation you requested immediately!”

And with that she bolted out of the room, eager to get to work. The sound of happy footsteps trailed after her, leaving only me, Yoshi, and the surprisingly still sleeping Himiko left in the room.

“Alright, that just happened.” I stated, turning to Yoshi. “And it brought to my attention a really important subject. Namely that this timeline and my own seem to be more drastically different than I thought and I’m going to need a history lesson.”

“So, what are these single territories?”

===

Notes:

NNB: I feel like a puppet on strings. Is this what it’s like to fight against a fate set in stone? With my eyes blind to the water I can’t see the ripples in the pond.

NNB: Or in layman's terms, I can’t tell if I’m going off the rails or not.

Alex: Why are you assuming there are rails at all?