My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

Chapter 23: Know Your Enemy

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After the whole business with Britannia it took Tama a few weeks to complete her survey, but she was finally ready to tell us her findings and had gathered us all in the meeting room once again. Okay no, well not all of us: just me, Himiko, Yoshi, and Nobu.

So basically none of the side characters were invited.

....Okay that wasn’t entirely true, Lancelot was in the back doing Lancelot Things (Read: Eating) but other than us it was the main gang same as always. You know, except Yamato.

Great, now I’m slightly depressed.

“Chen! You have to try this!” Lancelot held out a box filled with rice balls wrapped in seaweed. “The rice looks so appetizing. Like beautiful white pearls in a jewel box...With soft and flexible seaweed...And behold! It comes flavored! The faint, drifting aroma of the sea...the taste spread across it face...could it be, kombu and bonito flakes? The seaweed alone, or with soy sauce, or how about adding a little wasabi?”

“Dude stop.” I held up my hand. “Now you’re just being weird about the whole thing.”

“You mean...Of course! How did I miss it?” She nodded. “It’s not a matter of sauce! We need to add ingredients by crushing them up and mixing them with the rice! Explosion of flavors!”

“You two. You do realize we’re about to start a meeting, right?” Nobu snorted. “Shut up and pay attention. Tadataka, you may begin.”

“Thank you Lady Nobunaga.” Tama gestured to the piles of documents set on the tables. “After my investigation of the state of the continent and tracking of accessible sea routes, I have determined that there are three countries Zipang can start invading: the Taika Empire, Mongolia and India. We will need to conquer at least one of them to reach other countries.”

“Welp-” I began, looking down at the map on the table. “Mongolia is out, India… Eh, something seems off about that, and I have never heard of the Taika Empire in my life.”

Though if it was what I thought it was…

“I have. But just in case...Hey, Lancelot.” Nobu called out to the glutton. “So you know about the continent, eh?”

“I know everything, you know.” She replied as if it was a simple fact. “I was famous even in Britannia.”

“Great. What can you tell us, then?”

“If you mean local specialty goods, I can cover even up to remote villages. From appetizers to main dishes to desserts. I know it all. From bird soup, to shark fin, to pot stickers, even Mongolian meat pastries. Oh, and I’m an expert on curry too.”

“I… have several things to say on that.” Did she… “By everything you aren’t just saying that the food is the only part that matters right?”

“Oh, not at all.” She shook her head. “It’s also important to know where the best dishes are served, the faster and safest routes to reach them, and also the best places to eat a specific dish. The scenery is important to the overall flavour, you know?”

“...Can we send her back?” Nobu asked with an awkward expression.

“I think we just got saddled with an Idiot Savant.” I sighed. “If you want anything out of her just put it in terms of food and she’ll know. For example… Hey Lancelot, what’s the history of the dishes served in Taika?”

“It’s a fascinating topic! Rice is the main ingredient used in many dishes due to its abundance, but it wasn’t until Tai Gong Wang revolutionized fishing techniques that-”

She kept going for two minutes straight, only stopping to eat and swallow, before Yoshi stopped her. “That’s...too much information, and not quite relevant. Nobunaga, you were saying you know about the Taika Empire?”

“Yeah. Listen up, because I’m saying it only once.” She began, circling with her finger the Taika territory. “First, the Taika Empire is big: they hold the most territory in East Asia. They’re ruled by the Empress Qin Shi Huang, who’s assisted by the famous Sun Tzu and Lu Bu.”

Qin Shi Huang? Sun Tzu? Lu Bu?

“Okay this is… kinda embarrassing now.“ I admitted with a shrug. “I guess I’m half Taika? I mean, my dad was from Hong Kong so it doesn’t really count but my grandpa was from standard Taika so… Oh right! We also adopted one of my younger sisters from Taika! Can’t believe I keep forgetting about that. Then again, I haven’t been there since I was like, three.”

“Wait!” Himiko jumped up. “You have younger sisters?! Does this mean...” She gulped. “I am an Onee-sama?”

Cue hand-chop from Yoshi. ”Behave. So, those places also exist in your world Chen-kun? Fascinating. But I‘ve also heard about those three: Sun Tzu, a symbol of wisdom; Lu Bu, a symbol of the warrior arts; and Qin Shi Huang is said to be the symbol of virtue.”

“The Taika Empire don’t have other famous heroes, but that’s because all quarrels are resolved almost entirely by Sun Tzu and Lu Bu alone.” Nobu finished.

“I mean, considering Sun Tzu literally wrote the book on the Art of War…” My shoulders shrugged again as I gave everyone a wry smile. “I guess that’s kinda expected?”

“So the first problem is those two…” Yoshi mused. “In other words, we have to think of how we can split their command.”

“The Taika’s arsenal consist mainly of swords, spears and, of course, technique.” Tama added. “They’re well trained, and have the number advantage, though due to their country’s size they’re spread all over in small groups.”

“No worries. They do things by the books. It’s all theory.” Nobu smiled confidently. “My rifle corps will kick them around. Let’s show them the strength of Zipang!”

“Wait… Okay I see what you’re doing.” I pointed a finger at Nobu. “It’s the classic ‘They always have the perfect move so as long as we know what’s the perfect move to do in this situation we’ll know what they’re gonna do’ thing right?”

I wonder when we can bring out the undead suicide goats…

Nobu looked at me like I was an idiot. “No, I’m saying that guns are an advantage they don’t have. Moron.”

“My point still stands!”

“The order to behave also counts for your two.” Yoshi told us with a stern tone. “In any case, if we have decided on our first target, then all that’s left is to send a declaration of war. Chen-kun, as the commander of Zipang it falls to you to write it.”

“...Do you really expect that to go well?” It was a valid concern, as far as I was aware. “Really?”

Yoshi smiled. “Just write what I tell you and everything’ll go well.”

====

It took several several several SEVERAL tries to get the declaration up to Yoshi’s standards, but after what was probably two days and three nights I had finally managed to get the letter to meet the tyrant’s demands..

Apparently just writing “How about war?” was not good enough and fuck you Yoshi I was born with this handwriting!

...Anyways, soon we got the reply back and then we were at war! Our first stop, Shanghai of course!
I make it sound more exciting than it actually was.

Unlike its modern incarnation, the Shanghai of this world was still a small city located in the Yangtze River Delta: only one side faced the river, and the seashore began only after a kilometer or two. There was a river port with many buildings, but the city proper was protected by a tall wall: it was ten meters high, with only six land gates and three water gates. Tama also reported there were four military posts in the area that could send troops to assist the city or serve as bases for reinforcements.

“Everyone’s ready?” Nobu asked once Shanghai was in sight. “So brat, what’s the plan?”

“Go in, kick ass and take names.” I said with a laugh as everyone just gave me the usual look. “No. but seriously Sei, do you think you’ll have enough power to summon heavy winds and still Divine Buster the main troops if Maragi boosts you?”

“Winds, uh?” She smiled, one finger on her lips as looked at the city while lazily leaning against the rail. “I can’t call a storm, but something I could do. How long do you want the wind to last? Because it will hit us too if we get too close.”

“You can be the judge of that. Does it look like I’m working with hard numbers here?” I gestured to the city. “Moving on, once Sei’s beam of death hits the main troops, me and Sasaki will charge into them with our own troops with NobuNobu on the rearguard filling them all with lead. In the meanwhile, Benben and Yoshi will be heading for the reinforcement camps. Himiko is on healer duty as always while, uh, Lancelot?”

I looked at the brown haired girl who was currently eating a rice ball she had brought as a snack. “You uh, you do Lancelot things.”

“It’s time to eat?” She asked with a wide smile and sparkling eyes.

“...Yeah sure.”

“It’s time to fight, you abyss in human form!” Nobu snapped. “You can eat after we won.”

“Got it!” She finished the rice ball in one gulp before taking out her sword. “For the soup dumplings! Let’s go, Arondight!”

As if responding to her owner’s words the sword glowed with a violet aura for a few seconds before returning to normal. I blinked before pulling the Kusanagi out of it’s sheath and looking at the blade. “See? They get along we- OW STOP DOING THAT!”

====

The plan began as I envisioned it: Sei summoned a large Oriental Dragon made of green energy that began to blow heavy winds against the port, disturbing the enemy troops and preventing the ships anchored there to set sail. It didn’t stop what looked like civilians to take refuge inside the walls, but that was for the best.

When Sei made the winds stop we approached the port, with the blonde Diviner using the last of her Brave to blast those who tried to interfere from afar. Once the bridges were down we moved into the port town and engaged the troops there, with Benben and Yoshi splitting off to deal with the reinforcement camps and NobuNobu guiding her gunmen on the rooftops for easier line of sight.

Meanwhile, I found myself fighting side by side with Sasaki and Lancelot. Well I say fighting but…

“Okay-” I declared, looking at the britannian girl splitting through armor and taking out troops with one blow and no one else noticed it. “What the hell is happening?”

“That is the blessing of Arondight.” One of the britannian knights that followed Lancelot explained. “It is said that those under its protection are shielded from all damage and hostile intentions. That’s why Lady Lancelot is called the Undying Shield of Camelot.”

“I.. bullshit! Cheat! OP Pls nerf!” I yelled as I realized the enemy soldier I had just stabbed in the gut was only now realizing I was there. “I know the bullshit Knights of the Round Table could usually pull but what is this, Everyone Else is a Returnee? That’s just…”

I pulled the bloodied Kusanagi out of the enemy soldier’s guts and kicked him into a nearby wall before looking into the parts of the blade that weren’t stained red. “How come you can’t pull bullshit like that? You’re the Kusanagi for fuck’s sake.”

The blade, slightly stinging me, suddenly burst into very hot flames, covering the metal part of it’s blade. If you were to look at it now, you wouldn’t even be able to tell that there was a metal part and that it wasn’t just fire on a stick.

“That doesn’t top Arondight and you know it.” I sighed. “Whatever. Let’s just see what I can do with this…”

“IF YOU HAVE TIME TO STAND THERE YOU HAVE TIME TO KILL THE ENEMY BRAT!” I heard NobuNobu yell before her musketeers fire all at once and took down a good third of the enemy troops.

“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!” I yelled back, before turning back to the burning sword. “Well, guess we just have to prove we’re better than them. Let’s go! KUSANAGI BLOW v2!”

====

“Sei?”

“Hm?”

“Blow up the gate.”

“Kay~”

But before she could clear the path so that we could storm the city Himiko’s expression changed to one of intense focus. “Level 1 Foresight active! This is the first time I’ve been able to see in a long time. Onii-san, get your sword! A spear is flying at us!”

“Wait wha- OH HOLY SHIT AH!” My body moved faster than my mind as it drew the Kusanagi and located the flying spear. Before I had even realized what I was doing my hands had begun to parry the shot and soon a clang rang throughout the battlefield as I pushed the spear away with all my strength towards another direction, the blow seemingly sending shockwaves, and me, flying through the air.

About a minute later when I had actually realized what was going on I found myself face first in the dirt and groaning. Oh god I feel like shit augh…

“Onii-chan!” I could feel Himiko’s healing wash over me, the pain lessening in part and strength returning to my muscles. “Who is it!? Surprise attacks are unfair!”

“You must be good to block my attack like that.” The likely attacker stepped into view, followed by more of the Taika soldiers. “So you’re the Servant of Heaven...Your reaction was quicker than I thought.”

I let out a groan again as I rolled over and pushed myself up only to come face to face with…. someone most definitely not chinese. Bright orange hair clashed with a golden chinese dress as they danced across her body like two dragons intertwined. In each hand she held a spear… thing with golden tips that she pointed at us like a lion hunting it’s prey. I found myself staring into her crystal blue eyes as I sighed. “Fuck me, I can already guess who you are.”

“It is I, Lu Bu. The great general of the Taika Empire.” She bombastically declared.

“If you had gotten him with that attack, it would have saved us some trouble though.” A green haired girl in a blue dress and a teaching hat commented. “Ah, I am the military strategist of the Taika Empire, Sun Tzu.”

“Never would’ve guessed.” I said dryly. “So uh, hi?”

“Hi yourself!” Lu Bu immediately replied. “Actually, I’m glad you parried my attack. This should be good!”

“T-The Taika Generals…” Himiko muttered with a worried tone. “Great standards of wisdom and strength…”

“I don’t see much wisdom here…” NobuNobu said before suddenly raising her musket and firing. “Especially from such easy targets!”

The bullet traveled through the air at breakneck speed before slamming straight into Lu Bu’s face. But instead of a splurt of blood and brain matter all I could see was a bit of smoke. Then the wind blowed it away, revealing the metal ball...was firmly lodged between the redhead’s teeth.

She spit it to the side and grinned as the sound of my palm connecting to my face rang throughout the battle field. “Why am I even surprised you pulled such a NobuNobu. Even Himiko could do better than that and that isn’t exactly a high bar.”

Nobu was too busy gaping in disbelief to reply, while Himiko blushed. “O-Onii-san!”

“When my strategies are gifted with Lu Bu’s strength, the Taika become nigh-invincible.” Sun Tzu cheerfully told us. “Now then, Zipang, repel us if you can!”

Lu Bu raised one spear before slamming the butt-end of it into the ground, cracking it. “This Lu Bu has no idea what she just said, but yeah!! Anyone who gets in our way gets crushed! If you don’t like it, you’d best run now!”

I blinked before turning my head to the smaller women. “...Lu Bu’s a bit, uh, empty in the head, isn’t she?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t call Lu’s head empty. On the other hand, I would say it’s overcrowded...sometimes, with not quite relevant things.” Sun Tzu admitted. “One may know how to conquer without being able to do it. Pay attention, this will be on the test.”

“Wait we’re being graded?!”

I didn’t receive an answer. Instead Lu Bu leaped at me, right spear-thing held down and ready to be swung upward. I barely had any time to slam the Kusanagi into the blow before the spear-thing blew me upwards and- OH GOD I’M FLYING AH!

“TNT!” I shouted as the flame warrior materialized and caught me in the air, the heat touching my skin but not burning as it helped me get my bearings and put my body back on the ground. “Alright, let’s try that again. HEY LANCELOT! THE ONE WHO MANAGES TO GET THE FINISHING BLOW GETS DOUBLE THEIR DINNER TONIGHT!”

“ONIGIRI!” She yelled as a battlecry before engaging Lu Bu. Her sword flashed through the air, only to be parried by the redhead’s second spear.

“Onigiri? That’s a good idea! I’m definitely having a snack after winning here.” Lu Bu pushed and sent Lancelot flying towards me. “I’m bringing some to Shi. I’m sure she’d love them!”

“Waaah!” Lancelot flailed. “I need a pair of wings!”

“OH DEAR GO- AH!” I yelled as the brown haired girl collided with me and sent the both of us towards the dirt. “Ugh, okay up up up- SHIT SHE’S COMING AGAIN GET OFF ME!”

TNT used its own sword to parry Lu Bu’s thrust, only for the collision of metal and solidified fire to create a shockwave strong enough to blow up the dust from the ground. “Ooh! You parried it! I have no idea what you’re, Big Guy, but I know you’re fun!” Lu Bu’s grip on her free spear increased, the muscles of her arm tightening and bulging.

Then she swung it in a horizontal circle, creating an air blade that blew through TNT and continued towards us.

“Roll over!”

“WAH!”

My heart pounded in my chest as the stupidly impossible air blade cut through where I was previously lying and into the dirt, like two feet under. “Alright new plan! DODGE DODGE DODGE!”

“DODGE! ...Like a sweet roll!” Both me and Lancelot began rolling around to avoid Lu Bu’s next series of wild swings. TNT tried to protect us, but eventually got overwhelmed.

So before it crumpled I had it explode right into the redhead’s face. “EXPLOSION!”

I may not be a loli in a red dress but goddammit were explosions cool. And also they hopefully saved my life- Nope she’s still standing.

“Wow! I didn’t expect that!” She told us in a cheerful tone. One hand came up to swipe the soot on her face, but she ended up butting the staff of her own spear against her nose. “Ouch!” Wincing she stabbed the spear into the ground and used her now free hand to do the swiping. “Where I was? Oh, yeah. Nice trick you have there kid...Uh, what were your names again?”

I stared at her from where I was on the ground real hard before replying. “Bu Lu.”

“Bu and Lu. Got it! Nice and easy to remember!” She laughed. “I know, my name is Lu too! ..Wait.” She cupped her chin, a worried expression on her face. “But if there are two Lu’s, how do I know which one people are talking about? When Sun said ‘Lu will do this’ and ‘Lu will do that’, was she talking about me or the other Lu? No way! Did I mess up?! I gotta check out!”

Without another word she grabbed her spear and ran in the opposite direction, towards the back of her own troops. I blinked before coming face to face with Lancelot’s blue eyes as we stared at each other in confusion. “Uh, victory?”

“We’re still alive, so...I guess?” She innocently replied.

“Onii-san! Lancelot-san!” Himiko came running in our direction. “I just received news from Yoshitsune! This was a trap! The Taika troops are about to surround us!”

“When have they not!” I yelled back. “Right uh… shit I’m out of ideas. Tell Sei to go do something and in the meanwhile kill any Taika soldier that takes a step towards us! Also Lancelot get off me my leg is going numb.”

Just like when she predicted Lu Bu’s flying spear Himiko’s expression changed to one of intense focus. “Reverse card open! Level 2 Foresight active! Onii-san, there is still an open path of retreat! Follow me!”

Reverse card open?

“Okay no seriously you chubby monkey get off of me!”

“Ah that hurts!”

“RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!”

====

Eventually, after a shit load of running, we had finally made it back to our ships and into the sea. The Taika bastards didn’t decide to follow us, allowing me some much needed breathing room after that little mishap.

“Okay-” I breathed out, pressing my back against the wall. “That was an absolute disaster.”

“Pinpointing the objective of our first strike, predicting the exact timing and distracting us while the real attack closed our escape routes…” Yoshi crossed her arms and sighed. “So this is Sun Tzu, the best strategist of East Asia. And from what you told me, Lu Bu is her peer in martial arts. If it wasn’t for them springing their ambush too soon we may have not been able to retreat.”

“I’m sorry everyone.” Tama lowered her head in shame. “I’m a cartographer, not a strategist. My maps are accurate, but I had no idea Sun Tzu would move her troops like that.”

“...I’m confused, she just ganged up on us right?” My mind raced back to the battle as I tried to figure out what happened in the chaos. “Block all the exits than overwhelm us with numbers? It’s pretty simple really.”

“The difficulty is not in the tactic, but in its execution.” Yoshi explained. “We had no idea they were expecting us or that there were more troops beside the usual ones that patrol the region until it was too late.”

Nobu slammed a fist over the paratie. “Damn it! I can’t stand losing like that! We have to gather intelligence thoroughly in order to know our opponents. We can’t leave it to that chump. Should I just get my hands dirty and look into it?”

“Honestly?” I looked at the pink haired women before sighing. “Fuck it, go nuts. Literally nothing can be worse than this beyond you somehow fucking up and splitting Zipang again. Do whatever ya want.”

“Eheheheh. Now that’s an order from you I don’t mind following.” Her grin was downright demoniac. “Time for the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven to take the stage again!”

===

Notes:

Chen: Oh hey we finally lost once. Even if it is because Lu Bu is fucking Lu Bu.

Alex: If there is one thing true through the centuries, is that sane men run when they hear “IT’S LU BU!”. Sadly, no one thought of informing everyone this time.

Chen: Shut up, I thought Lu Bu showing up was going to be obvious to everyone else! I mean, come on did they really think they wouldn’t join in the fight?! Really now guys!

Alex: Apparently, they didn’t think it would be the very first fight.

 

Chapter 24: Eye Of The Tiger

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“Ahahahah!!” That was how Nobu arrived at the meeting room, laughing maniacally with the biggest shit-eating grin I have ever seen on her lips. “Get on your knees and praise me, for I did it!”

“What.” I stared flatly. “I have the feeling I’m not going to like the sound of this…”

“The reason why we should?” Yoshi asked.

“I succeeded in separating Sun Tzu and Lu Bu!” She raised a hand to the sky. “Sun Tzu should already be halfway to Chang’an, the Taika’s capital, leaving Lu Bu guarding Shanghai! This is our chance to capture Lu Bu and break up their terrible combo!”

“And… How do you suggest we do that?” I raised my eyebrow before sighing. “She’s fucking Lu Bu. It’s not like we could just shoot her. We tried that, it failed. You’d need to attack her in the weak spot you created, aka mentally. And last I checked, we can’t just go up to her and somehow convince her that I’m Bu Lu the general of Takia and she’s actually Lu Bu the Servant of Heaven.”

Actually now that I think about it…

“At least I hope we can’t, that’d just be sad.”

“We shall discuss a strategy to capture Lu Bu in a moment.” Yoshi said, rising a hand. “First, I would like to know how you accomplished that.”

“It’s simple!” Nobu pointed a thumb at herself. “Though my spies I learned that Qin Shi Huang has a weak constitution and is often sick. So I had them spread through the populace the rumor that she collapsed. Predictably, since both Sun Tzu and Lu Bu care immensely for her, one of them immediately went back to check.”

“That is…” I struggled to find the right word. “Surprisingly competent coming from you.”

“Uwaaah...Taking advantage of someone’s worrying towards a sick person...how diabolic.” Himiko muttered in astonishment.

“Be that as it may be, we cannot let this chance slip off our fingers.” Yoshi nodded. “Chen-kun, Lancelot-san. You both fought Lu Bu head on: do you think that, if you have help, you could subdue her?”

“Er, I mean.”

“She hit hard. Really, really hard.” Lancelot replied. “As hard as Bedivere even. When we were training, the only way for me to win against her was to team up with someone else. Worked up an appetite like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Yeah it was a fight. I guess.” A sigh escaped my lips as I shrugged. “By uh, technicality.”

“Really? Do I need to tell you everything? The answer is simple: we all gang up on her and beat her with superior numbers!” Nobu started laughing again.

“Just because Zerg Rushing is an answer doesn’t make it the right one.” Though now that she gave me the opportunity… “Though I’m all for grouping up and hitting her till she- Ah shit no fuck that did not go as planned shit stupid the hell was I thinking ugh.”

I thought that reference would work dammit!

“While it goes against the warrior’s code, it is a testament to Lu Bu’s strength that victory against her could only be considered under those circumstances.” Yoshi mused.

“Who should fight against her then?” Himiko asked with a tilt of her head.

“Pfft weren’t you listening?” I flicked the silly girl in the forehead lightly. “Everyone’s fighting her.”

“What?! No!” She retreated while holding her forehead. “I saw how she fight! I’m alright with healing everyone, but I’m not getting close to that gorilla woman! One Nobunaga is more than enough!”

“...What did you just imply I am?” Nobu loomed over Himiko, features twisted into the terrifying visage of an Yama.

“Eeek!” The miko quickly used me as a human shield.

Huh… that brings up a point.

“You know now that I think about it, why is NobuNobu a gorilla women Himiko? I mean..” I looked at the parts of her armor that exposed her skin which was basically all of it. “She’s not exactly on the muscular… side…”

I could feel the heat rushing to my face as I realized something and slapped my eyes. “Nope nope nope! Nu-uh bad thoughts Lancelot hit me.”

“‘Kay!” She cheerfully replied before slapping my head light enough to be considered a welcoming gesture. Meanwhile Nobu has begun to chase after Himiko, the two running circle around me and Lancelot.

“...Should we stop them?” Tama asked with an awkward tone.

“No, let them alone.” Yoshi sighed. “They’ll get tired soon enough.”

====

SHANGHAI ASSAULT TAKE TWO!

That is, the second time went more or less like the first one: we approached on ship and got on land after Sei did some long-distance damage.

Except, when we met Lu Bu again it didn’t start with a flying spear. No, she was just waiting for us in front of one of the city’s gates. “Yo! Bu and Second Lu! You’re back already!?” She cheerfully waved at us. “Though I have to say, you have caught me in a biiit of a bad spot.”

“How bad is spot?” My mouth immediately shot at her.

“Well you see, not having Sun here makes me uneasy.” She casually replied. “I saw how you fight. Honestly, I don’t know if this Lu Bu can repel all of you alone, but it looks like the only thing to is try.”

She spun the spears in her hands before setting into a stance. Despite her previous words she was grinning.
“If you don’t want to get hurt, give up now! With Sun gone, there’s no one to calm me down! Let’s get crazy!”

“Welp.” I inhaled before shouting at the top of my lungs. “YOU HEARD HER! ZERG RUSH!”

Lu Bu was the first to move, leaping forward with both of her spears raised above her head. When she swung them down there wasn’t only my weapon to block them, but also those of Lancelot, Yoshi, BenBen, Sasaki and even Maragi.

It said something that even then the force behind the blow was enough to make all of us buckle our knees.
“You know.” I began as we pushed back against the force of what was probably seven mountains. “I don’t think her spear-things were this long the last time we fought!”

“They’re halberds.” Yoshi corrected me. When we finally managed to make Lu take a step back BenBen swung her large mace. The redhead parried it, but Yoshi used the weapon as a step-board to jump behind her and attack, forcing Lu Bu to use her other weapon to block.

“Excuse me.” This left her open when Magari bashed her with the smith’s oversized tools. The concussive force seemed to stagger Lu Bu, which Sasaki took advantage of to swing her long katana in a horizontal arc that would split her opponent apart if it connected.

And then the muscles of Lu Bu’s arms tightened and bulged. Despite being off balance she pushed through BenBen and Yoshi’s strength to move her halberds, catching Sasaki’s sword between the butts of the staffs.

“This is such bullshit!” I growled as TNT bursted into action behind me, it’s own Kusanagi attempting to strike the women while she had her hands full with Sasaki’s blade. “What are you made of?!”

“Mmh, I believe it’s the same stuff as everyone else.” Bending her knees she jumped to the side, the fire sword landing in front of a still off-balance Sasaki, thankfully without hurting her. “Though sometimes Sun, especially when I happen to break a wall, said the gods must have made my skull with some legendary metal. I think it’s a compliment, but I never understood what it means.”

“...” I paused my action as BenBen jumped over me and swung one of her many weapons down at the orange haired women. “Honestly I have no idea what to say to that.”

Lu Bu swung her right-handed weapon to deflect it, but at the same moment a hail of shurikens and glowing paper dolls descended on her from the back. She began to spin her left-handed weapon in a circle to deflect them, but while it worked for the shuriken the paper dolls exploded at first contact. “Not bad!” Diving out of the resulting smoke Lu Bu was singed, but still looked ready to continue.

I quickly closed the distance between us, swinging my blade with TNT as we struck from both sides.

The twin halberds blocked both swords, though it seemed Lu Bu was having a harder time doing so with TNT’s one. “Man, this Big Guy is really useful. It’s like fighting two people at once.”

I mean, they call them stands for a reason you know?

“Make it three.” A distant voice said, the word carried by the wind, before there was a loud bang. As time seemed to slow down I could see a bullet come out of Lu Bu’s left shoulder with a spray of blood and pass very close to my cheek before it continued past me.

Lu Bu’s left arm lost its strength, and she was sent flying by TNT’s sword. Yoshi pounced at the opening, her sword flashing like a mirage as she pushed her speed to the limits to strike from various angles in quick succession.

Then Lancelot, holding her sword with both hands, swung it hard enough to create an air blade. The flying projectile slammed into Lu Bu and sent her back to the ground, where she miraculously managed to land on her feet. “Alright, this is getting a little dangerous.” She was bleeding from various cuts all across her body, her bruises were quickly turning purple and she had troubles lifting her left arm.

Yet.

She was still grinning.

Shit.

“I promised Sun to not get reckless. If I continue, she will have Shin scold me.” She planted her left halberd into the ground. “Still. I have one last shot left. With only one arm it’ll be only half as powerful, but...try to survive, okay? If you do I’ll surrender.”

She raised her right foot and slammed it down a little to the right, then she did the same thing with her left foot but to the left. That done she moved back her right arm, golden Brave erupting from her body and coiling around her remaining halberd as she pointed the tip at us.

Um, what was she doin-

“Sky Piercer.”

Have you ever seen those stories where people slash others with the air pressure of their blades alone? What followed is kinda like that, except the moment she thrusted her halberd at us we were all hit with the force of a 30 foot cannonball.

Made entirely of air pressure.

“Gghghgh!” I gurgled out as the fricken devastation of an attack hit me, slamming me backwards and tossing me in the air like a rag doll. My entire body felt like it was being crushed by both nothing and a two story tall building at the same time.

And saying it hurt was a fucking understatement.

However, before the fatal moment between life and a shit load of broken bones, I felt a connection. A connection that numbed the pain to a dull throb. A connection that lit a fire in me, giving me the extra energy to move again. A connection tha- Okay fuck this skipping the purple prose.

EMIYA had come to save my ass again. Unfortunately I couldn’t quite follow the instincts he had so helpfully supplied me and soon found myself face down in the dirt.

But not out for the count and that’s all that matters!

I slowly pushed myself up. Lifting my head I saw the rest of my allies that engaged Lu Bu in close-range with me scattered around, if unconscious or too wounded to move I couldn’t tell. But I could see Lancelot in the middle of them, the sword still clenched between her hands glowing stronger than even. It looked like Arondight lived up to its reputation.

Meanwhile, Lu Bu was surrounded and held at weapon’s point by Nobu, Tama and Sei, while in the distance Himiko was approaching with the rest of the healers. The Taika troops, who until now were engaging our own, have started to lose momentum.

“Looks like I lost. There was no way for me to hit everyone with just one arm…” Lu Bu said with a disappointed but calm tone as she lowered her halberd.

“...Why do I get the feeling we got lucky?” Nobu grumbled. “So! Do you surrender or what?”

“I gave my words, didn’t I? Just three meals a day and time enough for a nap is all I ask. And I’d be grateful if you don’t go too hard on the torture.”

“Torture?” I began, picking myself up back on my feat and wobbling to where everyone else stood. “As far as I know, being with us is the greatest torture there is! At least to those with sanity.”

“Uhm, I don’t quite get what you’re talking Bu.” Lu tilted her head, a puzzled look on her face.

“...Okay wait, am I Bu or am I Lu?” I scratched my chin before shaking my head. “No that’s not it. Sorry to inform you but I… was just messing with you. My name’s neither Bu or Lu.”

“Oh. That explains what Sun meant when she told me I’ve been had. I thought someone stole from me, but nothing was missing so I was confused.” She slapped the side of her head. “So, what’s your real name?”

“Just call me Chen Miyafuji!” I saluted,.“Servant of Heaven, Reluctant Emperor of Zipang, and the owner of a complete asshole of a swo- HA FUCK YOU KUSANAGI! I WIN! CAN’T STING ME IF I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU!”

“...Am I missing some context here?” Lu Bu asked as the blade I tossed to the ground started to spark menacingly.

Nobu facepalmed. “Ignore the idiot. As a captured enemy commander you’ll be treated with all due respect. I doubt torture would even do anything.”

“That’s right, I won’t talk. I’ve got a duty to Shi.” She smiled. “But I’m grateful for your kindness.”

“Wait to thank me. You have yet to spend time with the Idiot Brigade here.” Nobu grimaced.

“We have a title?!” I exclaimed, looking away from my sword. “Ha, the Baka Rangers got nothing on us now! Also uh, Sei? You think you can make up some fireproof gloves? I have a feeling that’s the only way I’m going to be able to pick up Kusanagi unless I want to see if beating it up with it’s own sheath will work.”

“A fireproof charm is easy to make.” She covered her mouth with one sleeve, but I managed to catch her amused smile before she did. “But, have you tried being polite with the ancient and positively semi-sentient sword?”

I looked at her.

I looked at the sword.

I looked back at her.

“No way in hell.” My head nodded as I turned back to the sword. “We’re like family or something, I give it shit and it gives me hell back in return but that doesn’t stop me from giving it more shit in a never ending war of escalation! Or at least I think that’s our relationship.”

The blade caught on fire.

“Yep.”

“Ahahaha!” Lu Bu laughed. “Now that’s funny! Hey, maybe this ‘being captured’ stuff will alright. Guess I’ll take it easy and see what happens next.”

“Glad you enjoyed it, I’ll be here all week!” I smiled, before it promptly vanished from my face. “Except not in a few minutes because I can’t keep distracting myself from the fact that my plot armor will stop working any minute n- RIGHT ON CUE FUCKING HELL THIS HURTS URGH!!!”

Fuck you too EMIYA gah…

====

Notes:

Alex: You captured Lu Bu. How does it feel?

Chen: Not supported by google.

Alex: Ah right, we had some troubles with Docs. Nothing major, but one piece of advice: start backing up your files. And then back up the back-up copies.

Chen: This has been your daily lesson from the Idiot Brigade.