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OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

The Return of Darkwing in the Franxx.

"Hey," said the young lady he had adopted. "I want more meat and potatoes."

"You've had more than enough for a single dinner," Drake told her. "You'll gain weight!"

"I'm a very active person. I'm still hungry."

"Zero Two, we're on a budget, and your job as a giant mech pilot is kind of underpaid."

"Not my fault, they make me pay for all the expenses for all of my Darlings killed in battle!"

"Maybe you should be more careful with them!"

"Dad," she said, "you know that I get to know people by smelling them, right?"

"What does that have to do with this, Zero Two...?"

"The first moment I smelled you," she said, "I thought you smelled like a delicious duck meal."

He blinked, and then used his spoon to push his meat and potatoes from his plate to hers.
Return of Darkwing in the Franxx, II.

"You spend too long inside," Drake said, gently pushing her outside. "Why don't you go play with your new friends for a while?"

"They aren't my friends and they are too young for it," Zero Two said.

Drake frowned at her.

She raised her hands. "But if you want me to, I suppose I can do it!"

"Atta girl!" He smiled.

So now she sat on the grass of that park with Lena and Webby while Violet adjusted her telescope.

"Astronomical exploration is a very fascinating subject," Violet said. "Who knows what kind of mysteries the universe still hides from us..."

Zero Two raised a hand lazily and began pointing at areas of the nocturnal sky. "Klaxonsaurus. Evronians. Apokolis. Frieza Empire. Deviluke. Shi'ars. Jurai. Skrulls."

They looked at her.

"All of them hostile to some level, warmongering and armed beyond this world's defenses. The only thing that has been stopping any of them from coming into this puny Solar system and taking over is they are too busy facing each other."

They kept on looking at her.

Then Webby somehow wrapped all of them in a strong hug. "Wheeee! Good thing they aren't bestest of friends like we are!"

"You are a very weird girl..." Zero Two told her.
Return of Darkwing in the Franxx, III.

"It's time to get dangerous," Drake said, heading towards the sofa and the secret tunnel under it. "Quackerjack has been sighted, and the LAW demands for Darkwing Duck!"

Zero Two yawned, resting crosslegged on the couch and going through her phone. "Have fun."

"You better not follow me, Zero Two! Quackerjack is one of the most insane and aggressive foes we have faced! You aren't ready for him!"

"That's the lame duck in Harley Quinn drag, isn't he? Pass," the girl said.

"You won't trick me with such subpar acting! I know what you are planning! I forbid you from following me in a homemade superhero costume, although I appreciate your willingness to help!"

"That isn't my kind of action," she waved a hand at him. "Go, go! Don't worry, if hungry I'll call for pizza!"

He blinked and then dragged his steps the rest of the way.


Hours later, he sat on top of a tied Quackerjack while Launchpad consoled him.

"She didn't come! She doesn't care about me!"


Zero Two looked at the clock. "That idiot sure is taking long. Five minutes more and I'll need to pull the stupid suit out."
"Kotaro and I have been invited to a signing ceremony in the Neo Ostian Market," the adult Negi said as he walked into the room. "Chisame, Ai-san, Konoka, Asuna, Tsukuyomi, I want you to come with us."

"Why specifically us?" Asuna asked.

Negi sighed. "They are after you, so I would be more confident if we were by your side as much as possible. And we are going to be targets out there so I want our best healer at hand. Of course, a healer is also a need here, so I have to leave Yue, who is the second best of us at those tasks."

"But, but, not that I want to dispute your leadership, Sensei, but why me?" Ai said.

Negi smiled. "Itoshiki-sensei might come! Don't you want to see him again?"

Ai blushed and lowered her gaze. "O-O-Of course I'd like to see him again! Thank you, Sensei! Sorry for loading you with my desires!"

"It's nothing," Negi shook a hand at her. "These outings are what I pay you for, Tsukuyomi, so..."

"And you don't want me staying here with the soft targets without your protection, there is that as well," Iwai yawned, flipping through her romance novel. "You don't need to apologize."

"Why are you like that?" Negi slapped his own leg. "Why the need to be so cynical all the time?!"

"I'm just saying the truth and everyone knows it." Tsukuyomi shrugged.

The others looked in different directions, frowning.

Negi sighed. "As for you, Chisame, I know that you won't let me leave you behind..."

Chisame scoffed out a corner of her mouth.

"Neither will I!" Louise said.

"Okay, but if you go I'll call Kirche-san and tell her to come along as well," Negi answered.

Louise bristled. "You better never turn your back on me during our honeymoon!"

"Why do you even have to go at all?" Yuuna asked. "Any of us walking into the city can just ask in the arena and head here, or simply call us with the cards!"

"You are friends with Makie," Yue said. "You should know better than any of us that she might not think about that."

"I wouldn't be shocked if Keiichi's dumb enough to forget about those options either," Skuld muttered.

"Don't understimate our friends that much!" Negi said. "But yes, even leaving that aside, we cannot allow ourselves to skip these ceremonies too much. Kotaro and me are local celebrities right now, and if we start avoiding them, Ostians would get suspicious!"

"And you're hating every moment of it," Rito said.

"Not gonna lie, all the free food we get is a cool deal," Kotaro, also adult sized, said while eating his hamburger. "Never heard you complaining when we bring you some!"

Rito closed his mouth, defeated. "Hmmmmm...!"

And so, the next day, Nagi, Kojiro, Tsukuyomi, Loli Asuna, Loli Chisame, Loli Konoka and Loli Ai sat at a stand in the market, with a very long line of fans standing before them, amidst loud music and excited chatter.

"Oh, Mr. Nagi!" a really ugly girl with braces said, shoving a big poster before him. "Please sign this for me!"

Negi smiled happily. "What's your name? For the dedication, I mean."

Chisame yawned to herself. "This is sooooo boring..."

"I want to go home home already," an extremely squirmy Konoka spoke, sitting on the lap of the smirking Tsukuyomi. Yomi's hands were firmly set on her shoulders, and Konoka was antsier than ever before since Kyoto.

"Mr. Nagi, why are you and Kojiro always surrounded by little girls?" the next fan asked. "Are... the rumors... true?"

Negi blinked. "Which rumors?"

"You know the ones about... uhhhh... forget I said anything!" the fan laughed nervously, just remembering that this man could destroy a large city block with a kick.

"They aren't groomers, we are just their little sisters," Chisame said blandly. "Seriously, you know what they always say about our dad Nagi."

Negi blinked again. "Groomers? What's th-"

"Honestly, Dear Brother, you are too adorably naive for an adult man...!" Chisame said loudly.

The fan paused. He looked down at Chisame for a moment and said "'Kay..."

A woman who stood right behind this fan looked up over his shoulder. "Then the other rumor is the fact after all?"

"Which other rumor?" Kotaro asked.

She laughed. "You know, the one about you two being lovers!"

Kotaro and Negi began coughing violently.

The woman laughed again. "I'll take that as a yes! Don't worry, we won't tell anyone about it!"

Kotaro slammed a hand down on the desk, blushing. "As if! That vile lie will be in the front page of Sorcerers Weekly tomorrow!"

"'scuse me!" Tsukuyomi said. "As Nagi's bodyguard and enforcer, I can tell you that they aren't lovers in the slightest!"

Negi smiled and nodded. "Thank you. That's very-"

"Because after years of working and traveling together, Nagi and I have fallen in love and will be marrying as soon as we decide on an exact date!" Tsukuyomi chirped. "You can put THAT exclusive on Sorcerers Weekly right tomorrow!"

The crowd cheered and exploded into whoops and coos while flashes shone everywhere. Negi blanched. Chisame facepalmed. Kotaro only blinked several times. Unwilling to believe what he had just heard. Konoka made a pained face, and then bopped her head upwards to hit Tsukuyomi in the jaw. Tsukuyomi only laughed it off. For once Ai looked merely oblivious to any of them, looking across the crowd and searching for Itoshiki with her eyes.

Then a deep male voice spoke over all others, quiet but somehow overcoming all of the noise in the gigantic building. "Well, young lady, first Mr. Springfield will have to talk with us for a while."

Everyone looked at the gates of the door, where now stood a smiling man with glasses and wearing an expensive gray suit. He was surrounded by a dozen of tall guards in battle armor and carrying spears.

"Sorry to intrude," this man said smoothly. "But we are on an official business, and I must ask all of you but those at the stand to leave immediately. For those not in the known, I am Kurt Godel, Governor, and Mr. Nagi's party is to submit itself to questioning on the subject of Negi Springfield."
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Negi stood up and bowed. "The governor himself has come to see us! What an honor."

"Well, you have just defeated the legendary Jack Rakan from Ala Rubra," the man said. Asuna paid attention. He was kind of handsome. "And you did it while employing what seems to be an ancient and extremely rare forbidden technique. I wanted to question you about it."

Negi perked up. Tsukuyomi's mouth tightened. "What do you mean, Sir?" asked the former.

The guards were herding the attendants out. The crowd was puzzled and mostly unhappy but none of them dared to protest.

"While watching the battle," Godel explained, "I saw you about to burst into what were unmistakable fits of dark energy induced augmentation. The stress of having to keep up with Jack clearly pushed you near a breaking point. It could have been dangerous to the audience!"

"Those who have undergone such forbidden procedures need to be questioned by Ostian authorities lest they turn into a collective menace!" the lead guard explained, slamming the doors after the last attendant.

Rakan didn't tell us anything about that! Why that stupid geezer! Kotaro prepared to fight.

"What does that have to do with Negi Springfield?" Chisame asked evenly.

"That is another, separate cause," Godel told them. "We have compared your photos to those of Negi Springfield's accomplices and found similarities..."

"Most of us are family," Chisame made a shrug. "It's kept a secret of our lineage, but most of those kids are children of Nagi-papa, too!"

"A very decadent affair," Tsukuyomi said.

Godel smiled, pushing his glasses up. "Then you won't mind accompanying us and allowing for blood tests, will you, oddly eloquent small child?"

"I'm just a prodigy like Papa," Chisame tried to stall. Come on Negi, think of something...

The Governor whistled innocently. "Then you can help us locate your rogue siblings before any of them hurt themselves, or others, even moreso."

"How long would that interrogation last?" Negi asked.

"Several hours, and we will need to contact the rest of your entourage as well," Godel said. "But that only would be an issue if you happened to be under the influence of age altering chemicals. Wouldn't it?"

The door was blocked by the guards and Ai realized that the wall behind them had no walls, doors, or any additional escape ways. She and Konoka traded looks.

"How is this alleged black technique I am accused of using called?" Negi asked. "I have studied your laws and I know that I'm entitled to have all of the exact charges behind our preventive detention stated before calling a lawyer."

"Magia Erebea," Godel said.

What?! Kotaro thought. Only Eva and Negi can use that! Not even the old wiseguy achieved mastery! Can this four eyes read minds like Neechan?!

"No, I can't read minds, your expressions are simply too easy to interpret, Inugami-san," the Governor replied.

"..." Kotaro said.

"We haven't ever run into a Magia Erebea user before, other than Dark Evangeline," Godel pulled an old magazine out, open at a swimsuit centerfold of Evangeline grinning. "But thirty years ago she was interviewed for Sorcerers Weekly in this article titled 'All the Details about my Secret Technique that you'll Never Achieve, so I'm Unbeatable, Flee in Horror!' To this day we are unclear on whether whe wanted to demoralize or arouse Mundus Magicus. Probably both."

"I have a question about that-" Konoka said.

Godel interrupted her. "We have all manners of publications from decades ago in the event they become relevant. Of course, any record of Dark Evangel's activities has to be kept in our archives."

"A simple 'I read it for the articles' would have sufficed," Iwai said.

"Enough!" Godel said, giving a single clap. "Will you be coming out of your own will or not?"

Negi sighed. "I don't wish to oppose the law and order. I will accompany you since I have nothing to hide..."

Then one of the guards shot an anti-magic dart at him from under a sleeve with a tiny crossbow. Negi reverted with a pop to a child, with clothes that were too big and loose on him.

Chisame slammed her face on the desk. Konoka whined. Ai discreetly slipped aside, pulling a pair of kunai from under her shirt. Tsukuyomi pulled her blades out. Asuna reached for her alliance card.

"There is a perfectly sound and logical explanation, promise! Please hear me out!" Negi said.

The guards rushed at him. Kotaro and Tsukuyomi sighed and jumped ahead to meet them before they could reach him.
Still untitled. Will threadmark if I ever think of the title.



Negi Springfield woke up in the bed of the Mahora Academy infirmary, looking upwards at the ceiling.

"What happened, were we attacked?" he asked tiredly. Around his bed sat Hasegawa Chisame, a sniffling Yukihiro Ayaka with swollen eyes, and an apparently bored Evangeline A.K. Mc Dowell.

"You 'only' overworked yourself to exhaustion again, moron," Chisame said angrily. "We have decided that you're going to take a vacation already!"

"Hasegawa is right, Boya, you are straining yourself way too much," Eva said languidly. "You aren't a Magia Erebea immortal, when you don't have the technique active you are still vulnerable to physical stress!"

"Don't be harsh with him!" Ayaka said, leaning to hug the boy's torso. "He's doing this for everyone's sake!"

"Everyone's told him he doesn't need to, Skuld, freaking Reed Richards and hundreds of others are working on that project!" Chisame snapped.

The tiny vamp yawned like a spoiled cat. "And you're doing it badly anyway, Boya. Your mind's not focused on your work."

The red haired Welsh stared at her. "You should sympathize with me better than anyone. You aren't worried about Father after all? The sooner we set solid foundations for Blue Mars, the sooner we can work on freeing him!"

"Blue Mars will take years to start running, no matter how hard you push yourself," Mc Dowell said. "Actually, if you kill yourself, it'll only stall it all that much longer!"

Negi sighed and pushed himself to a sitting position on the mattress. "That only shows that I'm necessary to the project. I can't slack away."

"No. You want us to call you for what you are?" Chisame pushed a hand on his chest. "You're a symbol, above all things! But you don't have the scientific formation to design the elevator, you don't have the public recognition to speak for the project, and you are just too much of a pushover to impose it upon the governments! You only happen to be the heir of a long dead royal house who is still ten years old!"

"Eleven," Negi said bitterly.

"Don't get smart with us," Chisame wagged her finger at him.

Negi reached for a robe and began buttoning it around his bare upper half. He only wore light gray pants. "I'll keep on studying about the engineering needed for the schematics. If I could master Master's ultimate achievement in days, I can do this too!"

"I'm sure you can, Sensei, but you'll hurt yourself even further," Ayaka said, gently pinning him down by his shoulders. "Consider this an intervention."

He looked at her. "You too, Ayaka?"

"I may not agree with Chisame and Eva-san's manners but they are right at their cores!" the heiress said.

Negi closed his eyes. "This so-called vacation, how long would it take?"

"Only a few days here but several months where we are going," Chisame said. "Time runs differently there, as Emiya-senpai saw."

He glared at her, not harshly, only wearily like no child his age should. "We are going there? Aren't they at the middle of something even more pressing and demanding than what we have here, Chisame?"

"Currently not, that's why Emiya-senpai returned to begin with," Ayaka said.

"They have just wrapped handling a crisis and have rebuilt the headquarters they were kicked outta for a time," Chisame said. "Couldn't have been anything huge, they had lost some belts, and then ran around in a tank until they took care of- Listen, what matters is you have a peaceful place where to rest until you're better, awright!?"

"And in the event something too dangerous happens we can Rayshift back here just as quickly," Ayaka said. "They don't need our help, they are most of mankind's most powerful warriors!"

"I don't like that idea," Negi said.

"Nekane already approved it, and as your legal caretaker, her word on the issue is not debatable, not even by you!" Chisame said.

Negi blinked. "Ah..." he said at last. "I suppose that, if Nekane tells me to, I cannot object her..."

Even Ayaka didn't look convinced at this attitude shift.

"You don't believe me?" Negi said.

"Anya has told us that you often would agree in public to obey Nekane's instructions, then you would go and do the dangerous things she warned you against behind everyone's backs," Chisame said.

"Which, as much as I hate admiting, fits with your behavior since you arrived to us!" added Ayaka.

"Well, it's not like you can oppose it this time, Boya," Evangeline said. "These airheads will take you there, even if they have to tie you up and drag you through the Antarctic!"

Negi smiled for the first time in several days.

"Ohhhhhh, you think you can sneak your way out!" Chisame said. "Nah, you can find ways to beat Sextum and every other insane criminal in Mundus Magicus, but you cannot tame 3-A and you know that by now!"

Negi winced.

"It won't be bad at all, Sensei!" Ayaka ruffled his hair. "Chisame-san, Pink Spore-san, Asakura-san, Tsunetsuki-senpai and I will be there with you!"

Negi blinked once more. "Asakura-san? What an unexpected name."

Chisame shook her head. "She's got those days available, she's relatively reliable compared to most of the others, and she asked very very hard to be taken there."

Evangeline grinned. "She's really steamed at being left out of your trip to Mundus Magicus, and she doesn't want to miss another chance!"

Negi actually rested back on his pillow. "It's not that I mind her company, or any of yours, but..."

"This is too sudden?" Chisame completed the sentence.

"It's a prologue, it cannot be too long or the readers will be bored. Just enough to set the premise," Eva added.

Negi facepalmed. "Thanks regardless for not throwing your two cents in, Matoi. It must have been difficult for you to resist the temptation of joining Chisame's overpowering of my objections."

"Ah!" Matoi said. "You noticed I was here?"

"Yes, always..."


Skuld and Rito left them in the snow, a pair of blocks of distance apart from the Chaldea complex, and then peaced out

Chisame could swear she had caught a satisfied smile on Rito's face when he left them there, but she was sure it was only because of Negi so she wouldn't hold it against him. Not a lot. She was content enough when she heard Skuld slapping and insulting him over a grope while transporting away, after all.

They trudged through the white landscape, with Chamo sitting on Negi's head. Despite their thick fur coats- artificial fur, Nana had insisted and Chachamaru agreed- the cold was almost unbearable. "I'd never felt a temperature this low before," Chisame said, teeth clicking over and over.

Kazumi forced a smirk. "Ah ha ha, you obviously have never been to one of my family reunions! Ah, who am I trying to kid, my panties feel like they're full of icicles..."

"If you regret coming here," Ayaka began, "then you always can-"

"I regret nothing!" Kazumi said.

"I told you this was a bad idea," Negi said, even as they went up the front steps of the front gates. "And God knows what will Tsukuyomi do while we are here..."

"If she needs you at her side the whole time to be relatively calm then she isn't ready for rehabilitation at all," Ayaka opined, hugging her own upper half. "Relax, please! Hunt-san is there to quiet her down, and if that fails, Setsuna-san can take her."

"And then there's Lala-san, and-" Matoi said, being interrupted when the giant doors were slid open from the inside. "Never mind that now."

Negi, despite his weariness, smiled at the girl standing in front of them, also with a small white furry creature sitting on her head. "Miss Kyrielight," he told her. "Glad to see you again."

"Likewise," the short haired beauty with glasses nodded. Only once. Chisame had barely gotten to know her, during that brief and highly confused span they dropped by during the Mahorafest, but she could tell immediately that she was a changed person. Much like Negi, she had clearly seen a lot of stuff recently. "Please come in. You must be freezing."

"Now that you say it..." Matoi said, walking in with the others, and shaking some snow off herself. "You're all there is of the welcome committee, Mash-san? Where is Kiyohime-sama?"

Mash sighed, turning around and walking down the widest corridor. They followed her, while Fou only sniffed the air in their general direction.

"We are settling in. We just regained control of these facilities after the Crypters took over them, destroying most of them in the proccess," Mash said. "Emiya-san told you about the Crypters, right?"

"Sort of, but he isn't the best explainer," Ayaka pulled her hood down. "So are all of your colleagues busy at the moment?"

As they turned a corner, they passed by a snoring small girl splayed on the floor, hugging a very big empty sake bottle. "Not all of them," Mash said.

Louise blinked at the long and tall black horns on that girl's forehead. "Ahhhh, Negi. You haven't introduced me!"

Negi slapped his own forehead. "I am such a moron! Mash-san, this is Francoise le Blanc de la Valliere. She is-"

Louise smiled smugly. "His fiancee!" she said.

Ayaka growled. "On highly debatable grounds!"

"She is a noble from Mundus Magicus, so it's natural that she would have friction with a noble from our world," Asakura said. "And with the nobles from her own world, and with commoners and peasants such as us from either world, and... you can see where this is going, can't you?"

Louise glared at her.

Mash half smiled, almost looking like the girl Chisame had seen back then. "Good to see things haven't changed around you too much, Professor Negi."

"Bro here literally dropped from the sky on her and they met with an accidental kiss and Pactio," Chamo chuckled. "By the way, what's with Fou? He seems less... communicative now."

"It's a very long story. We should discuss it over your meal," Mash said. When she reached a certain door at a certaiin point, not even close to the end of the corridor, she knocked on it, and a familiar person opened it, greeting the entourage with a polite bow. Mash bowed back at the tanned man with white hair, wearing a black and red outfit with a white Piyo apron over it. "The meal is ready? Thank you, Nameless-san. Professor, girls, this is Nameless-san of the Archer class, one of our best saboteurs, snipers and cooks."

Matoi, Chisame and Ayaka leaped back, readying their Artifacts. "You!" they said as one.

Louise blinked. "Ah?"

Negi shook his head. "Girls, please, this is another Archer hailing from the same person, summoned by Chaldea and with no memories of us."

"Oh, so you once met this man and you were enemies?" Louise asked Kazumi.

Asakura shrugged. "I didn't get to learn too much about the Grail War since some individuals who will go unnamed kept me apart from it, but my understanding is that Negi-kun's crew ran afoul of several Masters and Servants before it was over, even without counting Mash-san's estranged team."

Louise hummed. "Well, if those were enemies of Ayaka and the stalking creature they cannot be all that bad!"

"What you said is almost assuredly true, Young Man I Have no Recollection Of," the Archer said, graciously stepping aside and gesturing at them to walk into what was a large dinning room with a small kitchen at its other end. A full table was served with plenty of pleasantly smelling banquet plates. "I'm but a warrior of Chaldea, why would I have any memories from a random Servant summoned by another Master in any other War somewhere else in this omniverse?"

Chamo, Matoi, Chisame and Ayaka still eyed him warily.

Negi blinked at the plates. "Those are our favorite foods," he told Archer. "How did you know about our favorite foods?"

"I'm drawing a blank. Maybe it's a coincidence," Archer said. "I think I opened the cookbook at a token page and prepared what was there."

"I don't think anyone's gonna buy that, sorry," Asakura said. "I mean, you have even my souffle there! Just like Mom used to make it!"

Archer scratched himself on a cheek. "Perhaps the Masters told me about them, although I don't recall clearly."

"Did we ever tell any of you about our favorite foods?" Asakura asked Mash.

"I don't think you ever did," Mash said.

"I'm sure I never did," Chisame said.

"Just sit down and start it before it gets cold!" Nameless growled.

Quickly, they did so.
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They left their travel bags on the floor, around the table, as they ate.

Louise's eyes shone as she chewed in awe. "This is delicious! If you are ever released from this task, Monsieur Archer, you may come to cook for my family! Father is a gourmet and a good meal is one of the few things that can ease Mother down."

"That's actually the best offer I've been given since I arrived here," the dark skinned man said, pouring enormous glasses of icy juice for each. "Who knows? If up to me, I might take it."

"Himemiya-senpai ate this way every day?" Ayaka marveled too. "No wonder she was sad to let her Archer go!"

"It reminds me of the taste of someone else's food," Chisame pondered, "but I can't say exactly who."

"Then both Fujimaru siblings are on a rest leave?" Asakura was asking Mash. "The girl looked like the tireless type from what I could see of her."

"The Lostbelts were taxing on everyone," Mash said, feeding Fou some mashed potatoes. "But Senpai and Senpai aren't truly experienced fighters and it was harder on them than on anyone else. Nightingale has them under relaxation surveillance for at least half a month. Let's hope there's no need for them in the meantime."

"This is a lesson workaholic knuckleheads everywhere should learn," Chisame mused.

Negi huffed. "Unlike the Fujimaru twins, and no offense to them, Miss Kyrielight, I was trained on my mission since my early childhood."

"Gilgamesh is Gilgamesh and he once died from doing an exces of paperwork," Mash said.

Someone else barged in. "I heard you'd come, so I came here as soon as Anchin-sama fell asleep and Nightingale kicked me out! Matoi-chan!"

"Kiyohime-sama!" Matoi sprang up and ran to meet her with a hug.

They stepped back from each other, bopped fists, girlishly turned their hands over their own heads, locked pinkies, and bowed at each other.

"Special Deep Loving Salute!" they giggled.

"Oh dear! It only lacks Juvia! The Terrible Trio!" Louise said.

"I had forgotten how scary they are together!" Chisame said.

Kiyohime bowed to them now. "Pleased to see you once again, Professor, Matoi-chan's beloved, and the Professor's assorted fanclub!" She looked at Louise. "You must be a new addition to his numbers?"

Louise sighed. "I am the La Valliere heiress, Louise. Negi's true future wife."

"I thought that was Suzushiro-san?" Kiyohime smiled from behind a sleeve.

"She only ranks as a lover at best!" Louise roared.

"How are Queen Marie Antoinette, Mordred and Tamamo-san, Kiyohime-san?" asked Negi.

"They were massacred in the Chinese Lostbelt, or that's what I'd like to say!" Kiyohime waved her fan. "Don't worry, they'll be here soon enough!"

Marie walked in, and waved a hand up. "What's up, my homies!"

Kiyohime growled. "When will I learn not to summon evils?"

"Ah! The legendary Queen of France!" Louise rushed to fall to a knee before her, grabbing her hand. "It's a honor, Milady! I am friends with a Queen myself, and Henrietta has always styled herself after you!"

Marie blinked. "Oh goodness. That is nice to hear, but... who are you exactly?"

"She says she's Professor Negi's one future wife," Kiyohime pointed at the boy.

"I thought that was Mademoiselle Suzushiro?" Marie asked.

"She's not!" Louise said.

"One must say this for the Vice President. She has a very good publicity sense," Kazumi told her classmates.

"RRRRRRR!" Ayaka said.

"Excuse me. I'll be cooking more for the rest of you and doing my best to ignore your collective inane prattle," Nameless turned around and went back to the kitchen.

"I don't even like cooking, but..." Chisame began to get up to go after him. Matoi kept her in place grabbing her by the back of the blouse.

Marie laughed, sitting with the others. "Marvelous! I was told the Professor would visit us, but I wasn't told he'd bring so many lovely companions with him! You'll cheer us up a lot, a need since our Masters are sidelined for the moment! Bravo, everyone!"

She snapped her fingers. "D'Eon! Wolfgang! Sit down with us so we may have fun, will you?"

An androgynous beauty and a highly exotic bishounen with pale features appeared at each side of Marie, sitting down next to her.

"As you say, Your Highness!" they said.

Even Matoi pulled back. "Ah! You were here, and all of that?"

"You must be Kiyohime's acolyte, and you must be Professeur Springfield," the shorter companion lowered their head. "Thank you for looking after our queen back then!"

"This is Chevalier D'Eon, one of the crown's best agents," Marie explained, placing a hand on D'Eon's head. Chamo squirmed. "And this is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a very good friend and history's greates musician!"

"Suck on that, Beethoven," Mozart said in a very low but proud voice.

Louise clapped. "Oh, this is a dream come true! Please play something for us, Monsieur Mozart! If that's not asking for-"

Mozart extended an open hand at her. "With pleasure, as soon as the fee is paid, Mademoiselle."

Louise blinked. "Fee?"

"Genius doesn't work for free, surely a lady of wealth like you should know that," Mozart said.

Louise felt her pockets up, then glanced at Ayaka. "Class Rep?"

The blonde sighed and pulled a card out. "Do you accept Master Cards here?"

Asakura whispered to Chamo, "Is this person a boy or a girl?"

"I dooooooon't know!" Chamo whispered back. "Sis, I wanna go take some fresh air...!"
"- and then we told him 'No, but we taught him to look for truffles'!" Marie said, breaking into a subdued version of the Ojou laugh.

D'Eon, Mozart, Louise and Ayaka laughed as well.

"Oh, Madame!" Louise said, delighted at the joke. "You are a charmer!" Then she glared ar the others. "Why aren't you laughing?"

"It's not a bad anecdote, but it loses a lot from French," Negi said.

"It's not blue collar humor," Matoi said.

"You should get used to it, Sensei," Chisame said, "since you're a prince."

Marie paused. "Wait. What?"

A tall and big breasted woman slammed the doors open. Archer retreated into his astral form.

"Ah, guys," Mash said. "This is Florence Nightingale, class Berserker, the Angel of Crimea."

Nightingale stomped towards them. "Miss Kyrielight, you know the protocol for new arrivals! Before anything else, they need to be cleansed rigorously!"

"How do you do, I'm Negi aaaahh!" Negi said, as the woman easily lifted him and Louise, slinging each on a shoulder like sacks.

"I just read your profile! Negi Springfield, Prince of Ostia, Magia Erebea yielder! You'll need to be subjected to testing later!" Nightingale said, grabbing Chisame by the back of her neck and starting to stalk out with her, Louise and Negi. "Black magic may be a safety hazard!"

Kiyohime began slipping away. But Nightingale stared back at her.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm not a newcomer so..."

"You just were in direct contact with them! Eating with them, even!" Nightingale shouted. "You'll be sterilized as per regulations!"

"Kidnapping!" Louise screeched and kicked around.

Asakura chuckled. "Brings memories of Suzumiya-senpai, doesn't it, Iinchou?"

Ayaka grumbled as they followed the nurse. "How can you not laugh at the Queen's humor when you find this amusing?"

EMIYA remained in his astral form. He knew better than to rematerialize too soon.

Nightingale carried her captives to a large nursery bay near the lunchroom. She dropped Negi and Louise down and tightened her gloves. "Take your clothes off," she commanded.

"Eeehhh?!" Negi said.

"Who do you think you are?! You don't have a right to do this!" Louise said and hugged her own upper half.

"At least separate us from the men first!" Chisame pointed at Negi and Mozart.

Nightingale grabbed Negi again and yanked his shirt off. "In the time you waste with frivolities any virus or bacteria you brought might spread through our facilities! If you don't comply I'm authorized to expulse you!"

Mozart sighed and took his own shirt off, white flappy chest in display. He blindfolded himself with said shirt. "No need to worry about me, Your Majesty. You can count on my chivalrousy!"

Marie hummed. "Turn around, Wolfgang."

"There is no need for that, the cloth is thick and I shall not look under-"

"Please, Mozart!" D'Eon forced him to spin around, facing the wall.

"You have seen each other in the nude many times, that was in the information we were given!" Nightingale said, also tugging Negi's pants off.

"Not me!" Kazumi said. "So he sneezed on me a couple of times, but-!"

"How do you call yourself an adventurer being so uselessly modest!" Nightingale said, jumping on Louise and pulling her skirt down. "You should learn from your comrades in arms!"

Negi, sitting on the floor reduced to his socks and boxers, looked at Ayaka and Matoi and gasped. The two of them stood there fully naked.

Ayaka's face was red, one hand blocking her breasts, the other on her crotch. "I'm sorry, Sensei...! But I trust your discreetion now and ever!"

Matoi only cocked a fist on her own hip. "I'm elated to be naked in the company of Chisame-sama and Negi-sama. And I don't mind Kiyohime-sama either."

"It's a honor of sorts but I also feel offended!" the Japanese Servant growled at her. She spun on her heels at Nightingale. "Anchin-sama is the only man who can behold my nudity! The women I don't care about, but the men are a different matter, Sensei!"

"Seriously, not looking at all!" Mozart said, bending over to yank his boxers down his legs and also attempting to peek behind.

"Away with you, gross creature!" the disgusted Kiyohime kicked his pasty ass, pressing him against the wall.

"He just said it, he won't be looking," Nightingale said, finished with stripping the jerking pink haired girl snared by her arm. "As for the young boy, he is only a child!"

Kiyohime huffed at the embarrassed Negi, who tried to cover his eyes with his hands. "This child already had kissed more people than Anchin-sama when we met him, and he has only kissed many more since that time!"

Mash sighed, called forth her shield, and slammed it on the floor, with such vigor it was stuck there. She pushed Mozart and Negi at a side, then pulled the rest of ladies with herself on the other side. Only then she began taking her jacket off. "Will that be fine with everyone?" she asked.

"What about him or her?" Matoi gestured at D'Eon.

"I can be any gender!" D'Eon said easily. "Which one would you like?"

Matoi tossed him to the men's side.

"You are to be commended on such an ingenious arrangement, Miss Kyrielight," Nightingale approved. "Stand next to each other," she said, making them stand in line. She clapped. "Nemos!"

A quintet of small adorable androgynous people in white uniforms came by, holding a long hose each, and then turned the water on, starting to wash the already naked visitors and Servants with icy water.

"AAAAAA!" Asakura said. "Right when I was feeling warm!"

"T-This is nothing compared to wh-what we went through in the Magical World!" Ayaka said. "Y-You said you'd do almost anything f-for a story!"

"Why is he called a man?" Negi's voice came from the other side of Mash's shield. "He doesn't have a wee-wee!"

"I can generate one if you wish," D'Eon replied casually.

"DON'T OR I'LL GO THERE AND CUT IT OFF!" Louise threatened.

Then another woman entered the bay. "Ara ara," she placed a hand on her cheek. "Honestly, are you still washing them off, Sensei? You'll stall my job, since the Counselor is supposed to talk with them as soon as you are done with them!"

And she smiled, licking her lips as she looked at Negi. Negi screamed and covered his crotch again.

Mash bit her tongue. "Oh, geez! Sessyoin-sensei!"
The woman bowed as everyone toweled themselves dry. "Sessyoin Kiara, Chaldea's Guidance Counselor," she introduced herself.

Negi gulped. "Ah, nice to meet you. I'm Negi Springfield, and these are my friends Chamo, Chisame, Louise, Ayaka and Kazumi..."

"Am I a 'friend'?" Louise growled.

Negi gulped again. "Technically, Louise is my Master according to Merdiana Academy's laws as well... it's a rich story I'd be glad to-"

"Excuse me!" a foxy pink haired woman sang and skipped into the bay. "I heard that Kiyo-chan was naked and with at least three men!"

Kiyohime growled. "Tamamo..."

Another, and taller woman with light hair marched in after Tamamo. "I overheard on the arrival of a young boy and wanted to, um, observe him should he need for my blade of protection."

"Musashi!" Marie laughed.

Blackbeard came in. "I was passing by! Then I heard female yelps and-!"

He was hurled out of the room.

"But the girls were barging in just as much...!" he said, flying and then crashing on the wall.

"Hi, Tamamo-sama," Ayaka bowed. "It's been a while."

"Oh, so you didn't bring Asuna along!" the fox said. "She's a fun person..."

"You have enough of those here!" Louise said while Nightingale examined her eyes.

"How's the wolf doing?" asked Tamamo. "And Natsumi-chan? Mana-san? Ku-chan? Akira-san?"

"All of them fine," Matoi said. "It's Sensei here who needs some rest and relaxation."

"You came to the correct place then!" Tamamo said without irony, as around them, crowding the room, gathered a curious Enkidu, Nursery Rhyme, Bunyan, Medb, Iskandar, Tristan, Bedivere, Gareth, and Gawain. "You won't even notice we're here!"

"Maybe Negi-sama was right," Matoi said.

"No, this is still better than Mahora," Chisame said.

"Would you mind?" Kiara waved at the rest of Servants. "There's a counseling scheduled for these youngsters as soon as Nightingale is done with them!"

"I'll run it for you," Medb said. "Have you all had sex? No? Well, then you should!"

Kiara seethed. "That's how you would run it!"

"You would use more elaborate sophisms but otherwise it'd be the same," Enkidu said. "At least she's honest."

Mash sighed. "This is Queen Medb of the Celts, and this is Enkidu the first sidekick, and this is Iskandar the King of Conquerors, and this is Gareth from the Round Table, and her-"

"If you didn't need counseling before you'll need it after they befriend you," Enkidu said.

Some time later:

"Is this the best way to perform a counseling?" Chisame asked. She sat in another hall, forming a wide circle with Negi, Matoi, Chamo, Ayaka, Louise, Kazumi, Mash, Medb, Musashi, Tamamo, Kiyohime, Nightingale, Gawain, Gareth, Mordred, Marie, Mozart and D'Eon.

"No, but since they won't leave we might as well turn this into group therapy," Kiara said. She put on some glasses. "Negi, you are the reason why your comrades are here. You clearly are very important to them, the backbone of your team. They must care deeply about you on an emotional level, and you feel indebted to them in turn."

"I turned their lives around after all," Negi said. "They don't owe me anything but they helped me constantly."

"Oh, a martyr type," Medb said. "I can tell you that much."

"Chisame, you were Negi's first partner, right?" Kiara crossed her long legs. The slit in the nun habit was very revealing. "You've had the longest time to establish rapport with him. Even Louise seems to defer to you."

"Hey, now, that's not it!" Louise said.

"In that you're pretty much the same Mash-chan is to the Master, so I'll assign her as your guide. That is, she'll monitor your activities here and make sure you are resting properly."

"That... That's fine with me if it's fine with her as well," Chisame said, finding it very reasonable. For all Emiya-senpai had warned her on this woman she seemed nice, attire aside, but it wasn't that much more scandalous than Misora's miniskirted habit.

Mash smiled. "I'll be glad to help Chisame-san!"

"Tsunetsuki-kun," Kiara said before Matoi could argue. "You appear to have struck a relationship with Kiyohime, and I see no reason to separate you. This office is always open, but should you feel at better ease talking with her, do so and she'll relay your queries to me. She'll be your guide."

"Hmm," Matoi said.

"What's with that humming?" Kiyohime said. "I thought we liked spending time together!"

"But won't it cut in my precious Chisame-sama time and your precious Fujimaru-kun time?"

"I'm sure we can work something out," Kiyohime said.

"Yukihiro Ojou-sama," Kiara said, taking notes on something. "Your file says you're a woman of wealth who is very active and able in combat. So I want you to ask for this person in our gyms." She handed Ayaka a note. "She'll be our interface liaison."

Ayaka scowled at the note. "Isn't this the name of a mythical goddess?"

Louise raised a hand. "If Tsunetsuki got Kiyohime-san then I got Queen Marie Antoinette, right?"

"That won't do," Kiara told her. "But you are an aristocrat so you should be assigned to someone of noble lineage! I'll ask Minamoto no Raikou-sama to act as your tutor during your stay."

Louise looked at Marie. "Is that a good thing?"

Marie laughed awkwardly. "She's a very caring person so you should be fine...!"

"Should?" Louise said.

"Who's gonna be my partner?" Chamo asked.

"Excuse me?" the nun said.

"Y'know, who's gonna show me the building around..."

"Oh, sorry, but I'm not an animal psychologist. We can put you in the same cage as Tarasque, if you feel you need one."


"We have less intel on you than on any of your friends, Asakura-san," Kiara pointed her notepad at Kazumi. "Also, there is something about you that intrigues me so if you don't mind me, I'll be handling your guidance personally."

Kazumi grinned. "Why, that's a honor!" Then she noticed the other Servants staring at her. "What? It's not?"

EMIYA Alter passed by their open room humming loudly a creepy theme.

"Was that Wesley Snipes?" Chamo asked.

"I DON'T LOOK AT ALL LIKE WESLEY SNIPES!" growled the man from the corridor.

"What a strange move!" Medb told Kiara, raising her eyebrow. "Won't you be handling the lad yourself?"

"No, he isn't ready yet," Kiara smiled. "Musashi-sama seems to be interested on him so perhaps she should function as her caretaker."

Musashi blinked and straightened up. "Ah?! In-Interest?! Ah ha ha! Sensei, you jester!"

"You are a fun lover, right what he needs," Kiara told her. "You're also capable of defending him from most Servants should any of them get furious at him. Just don't get him drunk and it should work out. Well, session's dismissed! That's enough for our preliminary bonding!"

"Seriously?" Negi asked.

Kiara nodded. "You must be tired, you'll be shown your rooms and we can go into better depth when you are prepared."

"You're playing the long game, I see," a grossed out Gareth said.

"I have no idea what are you talking about!" Kiara said piously.

"No, this was a lie then! You talked about a group therapy but we didn't get to say anything!" Medb stomped her foot.

"What a diva," Gareth facepalmed.

"But I gathered a lot of the data we need from merely observing you all around our visitors," Kiara said. "If you really want a group therapy, fine, let's all just have sex."

Negi, Chisame and Louise broke into coughing. Ayaka growled. Kazumi began feeling antsy.

"It was just a joke, Medb-sama," Kiara lost her smile and brought her hands together. "Please put your clothes back on."

"Now I know you're scheming something! You'd never say that otherwise!" Mordred said.

"So we aren't having grupal sex this time either?" Medb pointed, reduced in a blink to her white underwear. Gawain stared on.
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A preview?


Mash smiled. "Profesor Da Vinci just handed me a list of the Servants who will go with you to the Singularity! It'll be me, Da Vinci (small), Raikou-san, Ibaraki-san, Medb, Sessyoin-sensei, King Artoria, Mo-san, Fran, Musashi-san, Martha, Gareth, Illya-chan, Tamamo, Osakabehime, Ishtar and Kiyohime!"

"Why can't Astraea-sama come?" Ayaka complained.

"She doesn't have a Summer form yet," Mash said.

"Can't she just put on a swimsuit instead of taking a new form? It's what you'll do, isn't it?" said Chisame.

Mash breathed. "Well, she could, but a Summer form is the ideal for a Heroic Soul to rayshift into tropical environments."

"Why?" Negi asked.

"I'm not sure, but Professor Da Vinci says that it has to do with adaptation of the Spirit Graph to hot surroundings," Mash said. "Some, like Fran and Anastasia, can barely function in hot climates without assuming a Summer form."

"That makes no sense, you Servants are supposed to shrug off ambiental conditions that would affect humans," Matoi told her.

"Look, Summer selves are a token of status," Mash said. "It takes a lot for most Servants to be given one. If those who don't have one are allowed to go over those who do, they will be offended."

"Even here elitism is alive and well!" Matoi said.

"Aren't there any other Servants with summer forms who can go with us over that horned annoyance?" Ayaka said. An image of Ibaraki's face with a sign saying 'horned annoyance' appeared above her. "I can't believe she was worthier of it than Astraea-sama!"

Mash went over her list. "Carmilla has a Summer form and she's available, she can take Ibaraki's slot if-"

"NO!" Negi said.

"NO!" Chisame said.

"NO!" Matoi said.

"NO!" Louise said.

"NO!" Ayaka said.

"NO!" Kazumi said. Chamo fell from her shoulder into a fetal position and began shaking, his fur pointing up.

Mash smiled again. "Then off to the beach we go! Glad we have settled that!"
Carmilla was too scary for Negi & co? :D Or just too hot?
Baby Boom.

"Have you thought about names?" Chisame asked.

Konoka smiled, rubbing her own large belly. "My daughter will be named Honoka, and Setchan's Isana!"

"... Honoka and Isana," Chisame said.

Konoka pouted. "It's just naming, Chisame-chan, it's not supposed to be rocket science!"

"You still should put more effort into it! At least you didn't name them Konoka Junior and Setsuna Junior. Wait, what if they are boys?"

"Don't be silly, Chisame-chan," Konoka said. "They can't be boys because we are THAT lesbian and yet also THAT feminine! Asuna, on the other hand, is a tomboy so she'll have a boy."

Chisame looked at Asuna. "And what is that boy supposed to be named?"

"I was thinking about Takam--" Asuna began.

"Nagi," Negi said.

Asuna glared at him. "Why can't he be Takamichi?"

"I thought you liked my father as well!" Negi said.

"That's until I met him again and realized that he didn't even care that much his wife was dead!"

"He's just the internally stoic type, and they never married," Negi nitpicked.

"For the love of God, Kagurazaka, you let him have it his way or we'll never hear the end of it. And he'll insist on naming any of the other children 'Nagi'," Chisame said.

"It's not a bad name for a girl either, remember Sanzenin Nagi?" Negi said.

"No," Konoka said.

"No," Setsuna said.

"No," Chisame said.

"No," Asuna said.

"Hayate-san's master and beloved," Negi sighed. "You do remember Hayate-san, right?"

"Nanoha-chan and Fate-chan's girlfriend?" Konoka tried to make memory.

"I think I remember now," Chisame said. "This Nagi girl had a voice like Tsukuyomi's, right?"

"Right," Negi said.

"All the more reason not to call any daughters of us that," Chisame said.

"Oh, but my son is fair game!" Asuna said.

"But you don't hate the Nagi name. Do you?" Negi asked with huge puppy eyes.

"No, of course not, but--"

Negi began sniffing.

"Ohhhh, fine!" Asuna said.

"We'll buy Nagi-kun a doggy and we can call the doggy Takamichi, do you like the idea?" Konoka smiled.

"No, not really, not all that much!"
In the light of recent events.

"Okay," Negi said. "We have already met with the Pope, Biden, Macron, Putin and Elon Musk. The next meeting should be a piece of cake compared to all of this. Blue Mars is all but guaranteed! Who comes next?"

"The Dalai Lama," Chisame said dryly.

They looked at each other in silence.


The holy man smiled nervously, with Chachamaru's wrist spear pressed against his throat. "This won't be necessary," he told the boy sitting before him.

"Sorry," Negi sipped his tea. "Please bear with us. My secretaries insisted."

"Ooohhh, Charlie Brown!" Lucy cooed, kneeling on the grass and holding the football for him to kick. "Guess what time is it? Come on! I won't move this time!"

Charlie Brown looked at her for a moment, then said "WAAAAA WAAAAA WAAAAA."

Lucy blinked.

"WAAAA WAAAAA WAAAAAA," Charlie Brown added, and he stepped back until he stood off frame. "WAAAAA WAAA WAAA WAAAAA!"

Lucy shuddered, stood up, picked the football up, and walked back home.

She sat down next to Linus to watch TV.

Finally she said, with a haunted tone, "We lost Charlie Brown. He's grown up!"
Servants who Never should be Summoned.



The flash of light went down and a shapely cat woman with long blonde hair and glasses appeared before Ritsuka, wearing a piloting uniform and giving him a smile and a casual salute.

She spoke. "Good morning! I'm Servant Rider, Callie Briggs-- Wait!" She looked at her gloved hands. "I'm the pilot of the Turbo Kat? Why!? I never piloted anything, that was the boys' job!"

Mash sighed. "You're the only reason why anyone remembers that show at all, aren't you?"

Callie hummed, stroking her chin. "That may be so... But even then, the Throne of Heroes could have sent Felina! Doesn't matter! I'll be glad to fight by your side, Master!"

Fate Grand Order was taken off by the company twenty six episodes later.
Secrets of the Batcave.

"Hnh. I hope you know what you were doing, letting Chao go," the Batman said, climbing into the Batplane. "Well, I wish you good--"

"Batman-sama, wait!" Haruna said. "Please take this!"

She threw him a small crumped ball. Batman caught it in his hand, then unfolded it. He scowled at the panties. "... what is the meaning of this...?"

Haruna grinned. "Everyone says you keep a lot of mementos from your thrilling exploits in your secret hideout cave! So please add this to that collection, as a reminder of your Mahora adventures!"

"Who says I have a secret hideout cave?" Batman growled.

Haruna blinked. "I just told you. Everyone!"

Robin hummed. "When you think about it, a lot of our enemies have been to the cave. Luckily they've never gone up to the--"

"Quiet, Robin."

He smiled. "Yes, boss."


A few years later, Damian Wayne frowned at one of the display cases. "Father? Why do you have female undergarments here? What is even the point?"

"Go ask Dick," Bruce growled. "That's not a story I'm fond of recalling."

Damian gave Alfred a worried look.

The butler shrugged. "It's not what you may be thinking of."
Fate Negima Order, Chapter 1, Part 1
Mahou Sensei Negima is the creation and intellectual property of Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

Fate Grand Order is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.


Fate Negima Order.


Chapter One.


My name is Hasegawa Chisame, fourteen years old. I'm what you could call an average, mediocre even, Japanese teenager. And I'm proud of it! I like being unremarkable! I love not being able to stand out in a crowd!

No, seriously!

I never had dreams about the supernatural. I never wanted to learn anything about magic or somesuch. That's all nonsense and I still say that today. If I had had it my way, I'd have stayed behind in Japan when all of this stupidity started. But alas, one day, my parents came over and told me they were registering me into some overseas studies program. I'm convinced those two people hated me... even though I miss them so much.

At first I thought that they were taking me to America. I never dreamed that I'd be flown all the way into a frozen wasteland after so many hours of traveling across oceans, passing over nondescript tiny islands. We landed next to a gigantic building at the top of a massive ice mountain, they made me wear a heavy parka only to walk my way over to that place's gates (and even so I still froze my butt on the way there), and left me next to some kind of weird scanning system with an automatic female voice, very robotic in delivery.

"Base sequence: human genome confirmed. Alignment: Lawful Neutral," this voice said. "Welcome to the data center for the future of humankind. This is the Security Organization for the Preservation of Humanity, Chaldea. Fingerprint, voiceprint, and DNA authentication cleared. Magical Circuit assessment complete. Username matched. You are recognized as a member of the primates."

Now, I like advanced machines. They fascinate me, sort of. I truly believe that the future lies with them. Go machines! But having one call me a monkey is something I won't put up with.

So I said, very justifiably pissed off, "Have you just called me an ape?!"

"Nice to meet you. You're our final visitor today. We hope you enjoy your time here," the voice said, and the gates opened for me.

I really considered just turning around and walking back to the plane, but somehow it already had flown away while I wasn't looking without making any sound. That was fast! So I had no choice but going in or staying out there to die frozen. I walked in.

Looking back at it, I'm not all that sure I made the correct choice.

It took me a few minutes of wandering across that huge place to find someone. For all the technology they seemed to have there, they also seemed to be woefully understaffed. They must have had some really kickass cleaners since the floors were so polished you could see your reflection in them, and the walls and ceilings were likewise pristine.

"Greetings," a young woman told me, in a somewhat stilted and accented but passable Japanese. "You must be Hasegawa Chisame-san, right? Welcome to Chaldea," she added, bowing deeply.

I looked up and down at her. She was a real beauty, apparently a couple years older than me, a bit shorter but much more curvaceous, with rather bigger breasts. She had fair skin and very short pinkish-purplish hair, and was wearing a short skirt, an open white jacket over a black shirt, a red tie, thick square glasses, and very ugly brown shoes. A small white furry animal sat on the floor by her side, looking at me with shiny curious eyes. It must be from Australia, I thought.

"Um, yeah, that's me," I said. "And you would be...?"

"You can call me Mash Kyrielight," she answered politely. "This squirrel-like creature is Fou. He's a Privileged Life-Form allowed to freely walk around Chaldea."

"Fou! Kyuuu! Kyao!" the critter said.

"Ah... That's great?" I said, at a loss about what else to reply.

The awkward atmosphere between us was thankfully interrupted when some tall, old guy with thick brown hair and wearing a dark green suit and top hat came over, smiling pleasantly- or that's what any other person would tell you. I'm a bitter cynic so I just thought he was smiling smugly like some creep. "Oh, do we have another new entry?" he asked, also in Japanese, very thickly accented. "From the Nippon islands, right? I can tell from your appearance."

I'd like to look very Japanese, but I don't. I have a bit of a Western look to myself, what with the reddish light brown hair, so I had no idea how this dude had pegged my nationality from just a look. Odds were he'd read my profile before and was showboasting. I still had to be polite.

"Yes, Sir. Hasegawa Chisame from Tokyo."

"Hmm, Hasegawa-kun! So you're the last of the Japanese candidates. I'm Lev Lainur, one of the technicians employed here. Welcome to Chaldea. I'm glad you're here. How long was your training? A year? Six months? Three months?"

I blinked. "Training?"

"It seems that she's a mundane, Professor," the girl called Mash said quietly. "From what I read, she was one of those selected from random blood tests."

"Mundane?" I repeated. It was a step up from being called a primate, but I still felt insulted, for some reason.

"Oh? Well, now... I see," the man rasped. "We had an emergency opening for applicants to fill out numbers. Please forgive me, I was inconsiderate. But don't be discouraged because you're a public applicant! We need all of you for this mission!"

"I don't even have any idea what are you talking about," I confessed. Mash gave me a sympathetic look, although it was difficult to say for sure since one of her eyes was covered by thick bangs of hair falling on her face. You could say it was very moe.

"Fou?" the Fou thing said, tilting its head.

"Thirty eight elite mages, plus ten talented public applicants!" Lev laughed, apparently ignoring me by now, lost in the appreciation of his company or whatever this was. I didn't hold that against him so much, since it's what people tends to do around me, overall. "Somehow, we were able to gather all possible candidates on schedule!"

"I'll take you to the orientation class by Professor Springfield, Senpai," Mash told me, starting to lead the way down a side hallway. "Please follow me and don't stray away."

"Why, why are you even calling me 'Senpai'? You're older and obviously have spent more time here than me!" I said, rushing after her so I didn't have to stay with that creepy looking dude.

Hopefully, I hadn't been dragged into some Epstein situation.
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Fate Negima Order, Chapter 1, Part 2
Mash took me to a huge amphitheater and made me take a seat in the back rows. That Lev fellow had talked about forty eight candidates for whatever this was, but there seemed to be a lot more people than that there. It was packed to the ears, and I felt bad because I don't like crowds.

To make things more awkward, I was sitting between two busty and very rowdy girls my age. At least they were Japanese. "I there!" said one of them, who had long black hair and glasses. "I don't think I've seen you before!"

"Uh, no, I just arrived," I said. "My name's Hasegawa Chisame…"

"Nice to meetcha, Chisame!" She shook my hand strongly. I don't like being touched! "I'm Saotome Haruna, but everyone calls me Paru! Saotome, you know, like Saotome Ranma?"

I blinked. "Saotome… Ranma? Sorry, is that a professional athlete or a politician or—"

The other girl, a tomboyish sporty type with shorter dark hair, laughed. "It's some old anime character! Paru's a mangaka and she thinks everyone is on the same wavelength. I'm Akashi Yuuna."

"Ah… right. Nice to meet you… Akashi-san," I told her. "What's the purpose of this? It's some induction speech or…"

"Basically," Akashi replied. "Shh, pay attention. Here's Negi-kun!"

"Oh, Negi-kun!" Saotome sighed.

"Negi-kun?" I repeated, then saw a boy making his way up to a podium before us. He couldn't have been a day older than ten, and he had short dark red hair. He wore a well pressed dark green suit, not unlike Lev's, a red tie like Mash's, and shiny black shoes. He carried an olden up bandaged wooden staff attached to his back. "Is this a joke!?" I said in total disbelief.

The boy cleared his throat. "Good morning, everyone," he said through his microphone. "Most of you know me already. I'm Negi Springfield, from Wales, professor in summoning, linguistics and history…"

His voice was very accented, but also cultured and soft spoken, and he could speak flawless Japanese. "Huh," I said. "Some boy genius, huh? I suppose it makes sense for a special study program…"

"His speech is being translated by the speakers," Akashi said, while Saotome gushed at the boy. A shotacon type. I've seen them before. "But make no mistake, he can speak actual Japanese just as well!"

"What do you mean?" I asked in hushed tones.

"Well, of course that since we all come from different countries, we need automatic translators to understand each other, we can't all be gigantic multi-language nerds like him!" Akashi tried to explain. "You're a mundane, aren't you? Because otherwise you should know this already."

Again with that word. I frowned. "What if I am…"

The boy rasped loudly, as if he'd heard us all the way there. I fell quiet just in case.

"As I was saying," he went on, "our first training period starts today officially. We'll test your capacities, and those who are found the most qualified will attempt to summon your Servants."

"What is this, some kind of creative writing workshop?" I murmured. "Whatta load of chuuni crap!"

"Hush!" Saotome said. "Listen to Negi-kun!"

Instead of doing that, I tuned out most of what the brat was saying, thinking of ways to excuse myself away. Mash seemed to have left since I couldn't see her anywhere, or else I'd have asked her to take me to the bathrooms or something. I didn't care much about performing well in those tests. If this was some fantasy acting camp for a Marvel movie or something, I'd just flunk it and be sent back home.

Mom and Dad would be furious, but screw them, I thought. Served them right for sending me to that madhouse.

"So remember, if at any point you feel yourselves overburdened, tell me so and I'll arrange for a meeting with our physicists and the resident therapist," the boy said benevolently. "I'll now leave you with the woman who made all of this possible, Director Olga Marie Animusphere."

He stepped down, and another young lady, around Mash's age or probably only barely older, took his place. She had pale skin matching her silver hair, and a stern expression. She looked at all of us with a scowl and said, "I'll be brief since we are on a schedule, and you all would do well to remember that. Despite what Professor Springfield just said, it was my father, the late great Marisbury Animusphere, who made all of this possible. He created Chaldea from scratch with his own hands and drive, I only followed his lead. Hence, I must honor his effort with results."

"Is this the actual director, or just a figurehead?" I asked Akashi out a corner of my mouth. "She's not even college aged…"

"Lev-sensei runs most affairs, but she does have all ultimate authority, if she chooses to exert it," Akashi whispered back. "Don't talk, she hates it when we do that."

"I won't tolerate underachievers! If any of you is having second thoughts just leave already, we won't be needing your kind!" the girl at the front said. "Cowards and lazy individuals have no place in a battlefield!"

I blinked again. "Wait, did she just say—"

"SHHHHH!" Saotome said.

"Most of you have worked hard during years to be here so I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are always burdens to every enterprise! Those who don't think ahead of the tasks they must face!" the Director growled. "This is no summer camp! You aren't here to be pampered as great heroes! This is military service, and you'll be expected to do your best at every turn! Perform well and you will be rewarded! But you have to deserve it first, soldiers!"

I squirmed. "This, this isn't what I signed in for…!"

"Those of you who can summon Servants will face the greatest mankind has produced! You'll look at them in the eye and command them around!" the Director all but shouted. "If you want to be taken seriously by them, you need to have faith on yourselves, and the force of character to back that faith up! Make your families, my father's legacy, and our world proud, warriors of Chaldea!"

She lowered her head and said more softly, "Thank you, to those of you who will properly answer that call. That will be all for you. You can head to your rooms now. You'll be called to your tests one by one."

I was bewildered. "This is no school! This is… a terrorist cell?! I haven't ever touched a weapon!"

Akashi and Saotome were standing up already. Akashi grabbed my arm and pulled me up. "Chisame-san, take it easy! Boy, they did grab you fresh from the street, didn't they? Why would they do that?"

A sympathetic looking Saotome nodded. "Sorry, Hon, I really didn't know you were that ignorant! If you wanna get out, you can ask Yuuna-chan's dad and mom, they pull some weight here."

"Th-Thank you," I said, following them outside. "Servants? I don't understand that, either. Are they giving us, I dunno, subordinates to fight with us somewhere?"

I felt my knees weak under me. Saotome and Akashi helped me down the hall, one by each side. They traded concerned looks over my shoulders.

"We'll take you with Doctor Roman and Ako-chan, alright?" Saotome said. "They'll give you something for your nerves, and we'll hopefully explain everything while there!"

"Ah-hah… I guess?" I gulped, feeling my head spinning.

"Did you already meet Mash-chan?" Saotome asked on our way, trying to strike frivolous conversation. "What a hottie, isn't she?"

"Paru-chan. Not the time!" Akashi said.

"That's not to offend Chisame-chan here, she's also got a sexy charm of her own, very kind of girl next door…" the girl with glasses offered.

"Shut up or you'll need a doctor and nurse more than her by the time we get there!" Akashi threatened her.

I already could tell which of the two I could tolerate more.
Fate Negima Order, Chapter 1, Part 3
"Ako-chan, we brought you a novice who lost her nerve," Akashi said as they brought me into a large medical wing, which was even cleaner than the rest of the complex. "Her name's Hasegawa Chisame,and she had a breakdown of sort while listening to the Director."

"It's not- I'm fine!" I protested. "It's the rest of people here who are wrong! Anyone would freak out hearing all of that!"

The short girl in the white nurse uniform looked at me for a few moments. She was very pale and had very short pale blueish hair, too. "I see... It's okay, Hasegawa-san, several others have had minor collapses already, too," she told me calmly. "Please sit over there, I'll call Doctor Roman right now."

I nodded and grumbled, heading over to sit down at a nearby chair. "That's Izumi Ako, my best friend," Akashi told me as the young nurse went into the next room. "You may think she's too young for this, but she's incredibly competent at her job as long as she isn't dealing with blood."

"Aren't nurses supposed to see blood all the time?" I asked. But before Saotome or Akashi could answer, Izumi returned, accompanied by a tall, thin young man wearing an open white coat over his uniform. "Ah, sorry. You must be the doctor, right? I didn't want to bother you, but-"

"It's not a bother! That's why I'm here, right?" the man laughed. "I'm the head of the medical department, Romani Archaman. For some reason, people just call me Dr. Roman. I don't know why, but it's easier to pronounce, so go ahead and call me Roman. Fact is, Roman has a nice ring to it, no? It sounds cool and vaguely sweet!"

"Hmmmm," I said non commitally. This guy was acting perfectly affable, and there was nothing wrong about him as such, but at first sight, and on a gut instinct, I didn't like him. Then again, I don't like most people, that's the way I am, so I didn't mind it much.

He gave me a basic checkout while Akashi and Izumi chattered, and Saotome watched over me with avid curiosity. Finally, he smiled and gave me a lollipop. What did he think I was, a baby? "There's nothing wrong with you but some stress, Hasegawa-kun! Take it easy, nobody's expecting a miracle from you or anyone in your first try!"

"Tell that to the Top Seven, rumor is they already summoned their Servants," Saotome said.

"I'm not even sure I want to try!" I said. "Nothing of what you do here makes any sense! Servants? You all keep on repeating that word but I don't think you know what it means! And why is a little boy, genius or not, teaching classes?"

Roman blinked. "You don't know about Negi's pedigree? He's Negi Springfield! Son of Nagi Springfield the Thousand Master! Everyone in the world of magic knows about them!"

"Magic...?" I said.

"She's a mundane, Doc," Akashi told him. "I don't think she even knows magic is real yet."

"Again with that world!" I roared. "Cut it out! Magic? What a joke!"

Saotome patted my shoulder. I shook it to take the hand off me. "Don't take it personally, Chisame-chan. I'm a mundane too! A muggle! Then again, they did tell me about magic before bringing me here..."

"You mean that they didn't tell her, seriously?" Roman asked. "That's very irresponsible from the recruiters! The Director must be told about it!"

"Oh my God. You actually believe all of that stuff, don't you?" I said. "You've been brainwashed! This isn't just a terrorist cell, it's also a brainwashing cult!"

Roman laughed lamely. "Eh heh heh! I know it's difficult to accept at first for most outsiders, Hasegawa-san! The magecracy has done a good job at hiding magic from the rest of the world for centuries. But it's real! How else do you think we could have built these facilities? An underground workshop built on a snowy mountain 6,000 meters above sea level..."

"It's not difficult to accept for everyone!" Saotome said. "I accepted it right off the bat!"

"That's because your mind works on a different wavelenght than everyone else's, Haruna-san," Izumi said quietly.

Lev's voice came through a speaker on the doctor's desk. "Romani, we're going to start the compatibility tests soon. Could you come in case there's an emergency? The A Team's in perfect condition, but B Team on down is less experienced and they are displaying some slight abnormalities. It probably is only anxiety affecting their synchronization, but all the same..."

"I'm on my way," the medic said. "What if I give them some anesthesia?"

"Don't joke! You know that's only a last resource!" Lev said, more stern than I'd heard him ever before that. "If you put them to sleep, what is the point of the exercise? Hurry up! If you're in the infirmary, then you can get here in two minutes."

"Whoa... Why do you always expect so much from me?" Roman complained, and turned the speaker off. "It's gonna take five minutes from here, no matter what... Well, I think they'll forgive me for being a little late! A Team has no issues anyway!"

"Doctor, you should do as he says. Please don't push your luck," Izumi lectured him.

Without paying attention to her anymore, this irresponsible man smiled at me. "Have you met him already? His name is Lev Lainur. He's the magus who created the Near-Future Observation Lens, Sheba... A telescope used to observe the pseudo-planet Chaldeas. Sheba not only observes Chaldeas, but also serves as a surveillance system for most of this facility."

"I have no idea whatsoever what does any of that mean," I said. "Are you genuinely insane?"

Roman waved a hand. "Basically, think of it as a way to observe a projection of our world in the close future. That way we can be prepared for what lies ahead! So we have taken preparations that include bringing you girls and your partners, so you can become the next batch of Masters out to protect mankind."

"I'm still not understanding anything!" I said.

Then the lights went out.

"Were you prepared for this as well?" I asked.

"I know I wasn't!" Izumi said.

I yelped, and swung a hand, slapping Roman's face in the dark.

"Owch!" he said. "What was that for?!"

"Y-You just touched my ass! Pervert!" I said.

"No, he didn't. He wouldn't, the Doctor is not that kind of man," Izumi said.

"Well, someone did it regardless!" I said.

Another slap sounded.

"Why me, then?!" Saotome was heard whining.

"My ass was grabbed as well and you were standing between Chisame-san and me!" Akashi was heard growling.

"If it's any consolation, I was aiming for Ako-chan, I didn't mean to touch either of you!" Saotome said.

There was the loud noise of a third slap.

"Maybe we should castrate you chemically already!" I heard Izumi huffing.
Fate Negima Order, Chapter 1, Part 4
The whole building shook again as we advanced through the darkness.

"It's sabotage, it has to be," Doctor Roman said, leading the group. "They must have planted several charges across the facilities!"

"Or maybe all of this so called super tech collapsed at some point and this is a chain reaction?" I wondered.

Roman scoffed. "That's impossible. Da Vinci designed the complex herself! There's no room for mistakes!"

"Who?" I asked.

"One of the Servants," Akashi said, feeling her way through the dark. She checked on her phone again. "Doc's right, they must be interfering with the communications too, somehow. I can't contact Mom or Dad."

"I only hope they're well," Izumi said very quietly, like a scared bunny.

"They are!" Akashi said firmly. "W-Why wouldn't they be?!"

We hadn't found anyone else yet, but we heard distant screams. The speakers sizzled occasionally, spasming into static and garbled words, but no sense could be made from them. However, soon we reached a corner from around which two voices could be heard. I recognized them. "Are those the boy and Mash-san?" I asked.

"Yeah!" Saotome rushed past Roman. "Negi-kun, Mash-chan! We're here! Are you alright?"

"Saotome-kun, be careful!" Roman tried to reach for her. "It might be a trap, someone posing as them!"

He didn't have to worry about that, though. We followed Saotome into a large machine room of sorts, where Negi Springfield was crouching in front of Mash, who was pinned to the floor by a large piece of a broken pillar on top of her. Only her legs and her upper section, from right under the breasts, were seen, but she didn't seem to be bleeding, against all logics.

"Mash!" Roman cried, distraught as he, too, crouched next to her, taking her pulse. "Hold on there, girl! Don't strain yourself!"

"Oh… Oh, thank goodness," a very pale Springfield looked at Izumi, Saotome and Akashi. "All of you are all right! And you as well, Miss.. H-Have we met before?"

"Hasegawa Chisame," I said. "I was there listening to your speech. Is she… you know…"

Springfield bit on his lower lip, seeing Roman tending to Mash and asking her several questions in a low tone. "Mash is… stronger than she appears. Even so… I just don't know!" He began panicking. "I, I have applied healing spells on her, but the weight placed on her starts crushing her again right afterwards!"

"Can't you use a spell to take that thing off her?" Saotome asked. "Something like, say, shattering the pillar into dust?"

"I could, but having all of the weight removed immediately might make her inner organs burst from the inside, before I could heal them," Springfield sniffed, trying not to be heard by Mash. I saw Fou again, walking in circles around Mash and licking her hands every so often. "I, I, I don't know what to do!"

Roman walked back to us. "Negi," he told the child in a serious voice. "She wants you to hold her hand."

Springfield nodded, then walked back to her. He crouched again and grabbed her hand gently, rubbing it with tenderness and starting to whisper what I supposed were words of support. Mash seemed calm enough, I suppose, and I had to admire her a lot more then since I'd have been freaking out in her position. From what she whispered back, I could make out at least one quick apology.

Roman stepped back, but Akashi, Izumi and Saotome approached them instead, their heads hanging low. After a moment of doubt, I did it too since it seemed the right course of action to take.

Springfield began crying streams of tears, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry!" he told Mash. "I wish I could've done something to help you…!"

Then there was a massive flash of blue light all around us, even as another explosion boomed several stories above us. I heard Roman yelling and stumbling back, and then a powerful burst of stomach turning vertigo took over, disorienting me so I fell to my hands and knees, barely avoiding slamming my face on the cracked, dirtied floor.

When I came back to my full senses moments after, everything around us had changed. Izumi, Akashi, Saotome, Springfield, Fou, Mash, and the pillar crushing Mash still were there, as well as the section of floor we had been on, but we were not in Chaldea anymore. Instead, we were surrounding by a vast wasteland on fire.

From a few ruins still standing amidst the blazes, one could tell that place had been a city once. A gigantic tree stood on top of a distant hill, overlooking the scorched lands. The tree itself was burning, like a humongous torch, and even the sky was black and red, with a scarlet moon.

"What the-!" I said.

"D-Don't look at me, I have n-no idea either!" Izumi shrieked, clinging onto Akashi rapidly.

"Whoa," Saotome said. "We Rayshifted!"

"We what?!" I demanded. "Stop talking in riddles, damn you!"

Akashi gulped. "We… We were displaced through space and time. That's the objective of this project, Rayshifting us where we are needed with our Servants. But it shouldn't be done this way!"

Springfield had paled horribly, still holding Mash's hand but trembling from head to toe. "F-Fire…!"

"Fou! Fou!" Fou said, hopping in circles with its fur standing up.

"Wh-What's the bunny rat doing?!" I asked.

"He's feeling danger," Izumi shivered, all but hugging Akashi now. "How do we get back?! How do we get back, Yuuna?!"

"Calm down, Ako!" Akashi said. "The Doc was left behind, odds are he'll figure out what happened and have us pulled back!"

"How long until then!?" the mangaka asked. "The systems aren't operational! We aren't even sure the Doc survived!"

"You're supposed to be the optimist! Stop asking questions I have no answers for!" Akashi growled.

I swallowed hard. "We… We are fuc—"

Before I could complete the sentence, a human figure walked out of the closest flames to face us.
Secret Origins, Part 1
Crisis on Infinite Neighbors.

Secret Origins.

The Yellow Kid.

"Your origins?" the nun echoed him. "I'm afraid there's not much to say about them. You were left at the doors of the orphanage one morning, wrapped in yellow blankets, and that's all we know about you."

The shaved child in the long yellow shirt turned around and walked away, puffing his thin chest up, and grinning to himself. "Golly! Some dark an' mysterious past! I shoore sound like shum imp'rtant p'rson den!"


"Very well, Jor-El," the elder director of the science council said. "We believe you."

Jor-El blinked. "You do?"

"You are our best researcher." The elder nodded. "There's reason to believe Krypton is in danger. We'll organize a committee to evaluate and study your claims carefully. Afterwards, we'll have to gather the budget from the chamber of presidents for your proposed solution, and stage a publicity campaign so the populace will accept it. First of all, naturally, we'll need voting on who gets to be in the committee, and then-"

Lara turned her head towards their front door. "Jor-El?" the beautiful woman asked her husband. "They didn't believe you, did they?"

"Worse. They did," this great man of science said, pale and supporting himself on the door, all vigor blown from him. "Put the baby in the prototype already!"

Thirty years later, in the calm of his small bachelor apartment, Clark Kent watched TV.

"The gathering finished with an agreement from all governments involved," the anchor in the screen was saying. "The environmental crisis is a weighty issue in everyone's minds, so next month, or probably the one after that, they'll start voting on the makeup of a committee to evaluate and study the first few steps to be taken..."

The black haired man hummed thoughtfully. "Sometimes, I wonder..." he said to himself.

Aa! Megamisama!

The fair skinned, long haired pretty brunette smiled at the young man and bowed. "Good evening! I'm Skuld, second class goddess, limited! I've been sent by the Goddess Relief Office!"

Morisato Keiichi blinked slowly, sitting on the floor and dumbfounded.

For a split moment, something vaguely resembling hazy memories came to his mind.

A dark skinned, white haired beauty smiled at him. "How do you do? I'm Urd, second class goddess, limited!"

The most beautiful, delicate young lady he'd ever seen bowed at him. "Good evening, Keiichi-san. I'm Belldandy, first class goddess, unlimited."

The blurry mental mirages disappeared just as soon, however, and Keiichi shook his head, already forgetting them.

Skuld smiled again, knowingly.

The past becomes the present, then the present becomes the future, and then the future becomes the past once more, and so on.

Such is the law of cycles.

The Flintstones.

Fred rasped to clear his throat. "Grandma, I want you to meet Wilma, the woman I'm gonna marry!"

The large hairy ape raised its arms and yelled. "OOOK OOOK OOOK YABBA DABBA DOO!"

Wilma's mother scowled at the young lady. "See!? I told you that they aren't evolved enough!"

Guardians of the Galaxy.

"Thank you. The agreed payment has been transferred to your account," the still stoic leader of the tiny farming planetoid told him. Despite all of the carnage and destruction around them, he still literally could not emote.

"'Twas a pleasure," Rocket said, sheating his sizzling handguns in. "Call me again if you ever get another plant invasion, all right?"

The small furry creature turned around and began walking away. But then, from the fallen trunk of the gigantic Groot, there was a tiny weak voice.

"I am Groot..."

He turned back, while the planetoid's leader stepped back.

"I am Groot!" a diminutive sprout in Groot's right foot sobbed.

So much like a baby.

Rocket took a gun out and aimed at it.

It extended two short stubs at the mammal.

"I am Groot!" it whined, helplessly.

Rocket kept on taking aim, squinting.

Finally, he sighed, pulled a huge knife out, cut the living sprout off, and put it in the breast pocket of his spacesuit.

"Are you certain you should be doing that?" the leader asked him.

"I'm sure it shouldn't be doing it and it's gonna bite me in my tail. Burn the rest of it before it springs more," Rocket grumbled, walking away from the giant more quickly now, towards his hyperspace speedster.

The baby hugged his chest. "I am Groot!"

Lobo, Fett and Golden Darkness better never learn about this... he growled in his mind.


The woman was middle height and overweight. She looked out the window of the principal's office. She huffed. "It's that Boo child! It's not that he's ill behaved, but you've got to understand, sir! He's a chicken!"

The old man sighed. "Now, ma'am, I know he's meek and very shy, but that's hardly a reason for you to complain. If anything, he's the sort that would never bully your son..."

"No, I mean that he's an actual chicken! A giant chicken!" she said.

The principal paused. "A... what?"

The woman nodded. "A real, bonafide chicken! A chick, same thing! We can't let our children study with a chicken, that'd be... strange!"

The old man tapped his bony fingers on the desk. "Please! A giant chicken? With all due respect, that's ridiculous, ma'am! You should have your glasses checked! Boo is a perfectly normal child, just quiet and reserved! He's got feelings, dreams and a family just like any other boy..."

They looked again. A giant hen as coming to the playground and pecked the giant yellow chick playing with the children away.

"Well," the woman rasped, "I'll admit his mother is a perfectly normal and pleasant woman, at least! What ever possessed her to adopt a chicken, I don't know!"

Mahou Sensei Negima!

"Y'know, I was wondering," Konoka mused aloud, as the three of them sunbathed together on the rooftop of the dorms. "If Eva's been trapped here for over a decade, and we've studied here all that time too, how come we don't remember ever seeing her before?"

"Before? Before what? I'm... not sure I follow you?" Negi-kun eeped.

"I mean, he's been here for fifteen years never aging, we should have noticed that girl who never grows old at this point," the black haired beauty explained. "I know we weren't in the same class until recently, but surely some of us, any of us, would have seen her before, somewhere in the campus?"

Negi gulped. "W-Well, Master doesn't socialize much, and-"

"Nah, I'm sure she's mentioned being in the same Go club for like a decade now, and she's hardly a NEET, despite everything," said Chisame, who was an authority on all things NEET. "She likes walking around to enjoy the sun and crap. The headmaster must mindwipe our memories of her once a year, or something! That's something mages would do to keep the secret, isn't it?" She shrugged it off.

Konoka paled. "Ah-ha-ha, I see..."

That night, Konoe Konoemon woke up suddenly. He found himself chained to his bed, with a masked woman standing by his side.

"We're going to have a chat now, your mindraping old shit," this person told him in a cutely menacing familiar voice.

Milk & Cheese.

"Dear, I just remembered we left some food in the fridge before the trip," the woman said as she opened the front door.

"Relax, Hon," the man said, setting the luggage down by the door. "How bad can it have gone?"

"GAAAAAHHH!" screamed a small bipedal figure, pouncing on him in a long jump from the kitchen, and wielding a huge knife. At the same time, a second short figure leaped onto the woman with another knife.

"- so we buried them in the basement, took over the house, and have been stealing electricity and cable since," Milk ended the tale. "But now cable's passe so we need Netflix! We can steal Netflix, too, right? Be honest, man, we called you here 'cause you're an expert!"

"Uh, no, you need to pay for-" the Netflix representative started, right before Cheese stabbed him in the back.
I loved Chaos in the morning... Or evening...
Fate Negima Order, Chapter 1, Part 5
Well. I say 'human' but I'm being too generous. It was a human skeleton, alright, one that walked slowly towards us armed with a long sharpened pole. Two other skeletons, similarly equiped, walked out to join it from both sides moments later.

"Kyaaaaaa!" Izumi screamed.

"Shit, too soon! We didn't even get to summon any Servants!" Saotome said.

"ROMAN!" Akashi yelled. "If you can hear us somehow, GET US OUTTA HERE NOW!"

"What the-?!" I backed several steps away.

Springfield stared at them, with hugely grown eyes, for a moment, perfectly still, but his was not an expression of fear. It's something very difficult to describe. It was shock, yes, but also... he seemed to be looking at the fires raging behind the skeletons, more than the skeletons themselves. In any case, he snapped out of it almost immediately, pulling his staff out and aiming it at the trio of slowly advancing living dead.

"Ras tel Ma Scir Magister!" he shouted.

Mash gritted her teeth and tried to pull herself free. "P-Professor, hold on!" she coughed. "I... I'll help you!"

"Y-You?!" I said, stopping by her side since I had no room left to back into. A few more skeletons were approaching us from behind as well, surrounding us. "D-Don't joke! If, if this guy's really a mage, then let him-!"

For the first time ever I found myself wishing magic was real. Those skeletons were clearly not people in costumes, so unless they were robots, which was just as absurd, the supernatural existed after all? Then this brat better had some real magic too, or else we were lost.

"Undeducenti spiritus lucis, coeuntes sagitent inimicum!" the boy cried. "Sagitta Magica, Series Lucis!"

And then, much to my awe, several large discharges of lighting, vaguely shaped line long arrows, flew from the staff and blew the first line of walking skeletons away. "No way!" I said.

"Crap! He won't be able to take on all of them!" Akashi growled, pulling a small wand out of a pocket and twirling around to face the creeps behind us. "I hate doing this, but... Uhhh, how does it go... Omne flammans flamma purgatus! Domine extinctionis et signum regenerationis! In mea manu ens inimicum edat! Flagrantia Rubicans!"

I shrieked as I saw a thick volley of fire leap from Akashi's wand, blowing the skulls right off three skeletons' heads, but they still kept on lurching ahead for us. "I knew it!" Akashi bit her tongue. "I'm still not good at this stuff!"

The other skeletons, attacking from the front, were being joined by more and more newcomers, armed with different improvised weapons, none of them making any noise, which only made them even scarier. Saotome was hugging Izumi protectively, and now Izumi didn't reject her at all, but it was clear neither of them could fight a damn.

Mash still tried to tug herself free from the pillar. "Do it... Do it, Professor!" she begged Springfield, her voice raising desperately. "I, I know we can...!"

Springfield was still shooting the skeletons with these Sagitta Magica things, and although he was more successful than Akashi, actually shattering the things into ineffective pilles of smoked bone, even more undeads would step out to join the fight just as soon, so he wasn't making any advances at all. He clenched his teeth, cursed under his breath, and finally heaved out what sounded like a groan of capitulation.

"Fine! he said, clenching a fist. "Let's try! Mash Kyrielight! I command you to... FIGHT!"

He seemed to be just as startled as us when the back of that fist abruptly showed several luminous red marks. The hand glowed for a moment with so much intensity that even those mindless creatures paused and stopped. Mash smiled, planted her hands on the ground, and pushed them down, as if to spring herself up.

Another, even brighter and much more intense light, now pure white, covered the full area as far as we could see. The pillar seemed to explode upwards reduced to dust falling all over us.

And when the light passed, Mash was back on her feet. Her clothes had changed completely. Now she was wearing skimpy, skin-tight black and purple body armor, like something out of a fantasy story. Her upper limbs were exposed, with their lower halves clad in black gauntlets and boots, and her glasses had vanished for some reason. In a hand she easily lifted a gigantic cross-shaped shield, one that was even bigger than herself.

"Thank you, Master!" she shouted, with renewed vigor, as if she hadn't been mortally wounded momenst ago. "You and I will overcome this together!"

And then she ran towards the front, swinging that oversized shield of hers and using it to bash all skeletons surrounding Springfield with minimal effort, breaking them into so many tiny pieces. Saotome swooned as her eyes briefly became large stylized hearts, and Mash did not stop, running around to also crush the skeletons coming at us from behind. She smashed them as if she was just swatting flies away.

Izumi, Akashi and I only looked on, fascinated despite ourselves. I hadn't ever seen anything like that before. Sci-fi movies with the highest budgets couldn't even compare. For a second, I couldn't blame Saotome. If a man had been doing that right then I'd have felt like throwing my panties at him.

When more bone warriors came, Mash would continue demolishing them, relentless. This went on for several minutes, as she efficiently destroyed dozens of them while Springfield looked at her with concern, his lips crunched together. At last, the skeletons stopped coming.

Mash finally stopped to breathe, her large chest huffing and puffing under the breastplate, and she straightened up, still clearly vigorized and willing to keep on fighting if necessary.
She smiled at us. "Sorry," she said, her voice as gentle as ever. "Are you all right, girls? Professor?"

Saotome was panting madly, her cheeks flushed. "That... That was just so cool! The, the coolest thing ever! Marry me, Mash-chan...!"

"C-Cant' you stop being creepy even now?!" I stammered. "What the hell was all of that?!"

"I'm not sure," Mash admitted. "Those beings shouldn't even exist in this era."

"Tha-That much is obvious!" I said.

Springfield sighed sadly. "The work of a skilled necromancer. For a summon of this scale, they must have been called forth by a Servant of the Caster class."

"You keep on saying things without actually explaining them," I said. "Okay, I already get the part about you and Akashi being wizards, I'm not that dumb. But-"

"Later, Hasegawa-san," Springfield said wearily, raising his right wrist to his face. A small hologram of Roman's face popped out from his black bracelet, which actually didn't shock me so much anymore.

"Right, I finally got through!" Roman said, his voice cracking as the image flickered for a sec. "Hello? This is Chaldea's Command Room! Do you read me?"

"It's me, Doctor," Springfield said blandly. "Mash has just manifested herself, and Akashi-san, Izumi-san, Saotome-san and Hasegawa-san are all safe and sound so far. I think we have just been Rayshifted into a Singularity, somehow."

"What is a-" I began.

Akashi put a finger on my mouth to close it. "Shhhhhh!"

"Oh, so you finally established yourself as a Master!" Roman said contentedly. "That's great, Negi! Chamo will be so happy... Umm, if he's still alive, that is... We haven't found him yet..."

Akashi snorted. "He's survived. Nothing can get us rid from that little creep!"

Fou nodded. "Fou fou." Ah, so it still was alive.

I'm impressed you didn't "lose your existence. " I'm really glad.

"Also, Mash... Of course I'm glad you're safe, too... But what's up with that outfit!?" Roman gasped. "It's shameless! I didn't raise you to dress like that!"

"Shut up, you!" Saotome snapped. "If you have the time to be a wet blanket, use it to pull us back to Chaldea!"

"We're working on that!" Roman promised, apparently tapping on a keyboard that was out of frame. "Let's see... Physical strength, Magical Circuits, everything's improved! You did it, Mash! The Heroic Spirit did lend you her capacities after all!"

Mash smiled and nodded. "I always knew the Professor and I could do it!"

Springfield blushed slightly and looked away.

The image and sound flickered again, actually shorting for a moment before Roman's face showed back up.

"Sorry!" Roman said. "Sheba's output is unstable because we switched to the backup generators! I'll have to brief you later."

"What?!" Izumi cried. "S-Sensei, you can't do that! D-Don't leave us here all alone!"

"I'm sorry, Ako-chan, there's not a lot I can do right now!" he apologized. "Look, I'm getting a strong leyline reading about two kilometers from where you are. Try to get there somehow. That way, it will stabilize our connection."

I gulped, looking at the fires. "To walk... through all of that? What, what if there are more of those monsters around?"

"Mash will look after you! Just don't do anything reckless, will you? I'll try to bring the power back up as soon as—" Roman said, right before the call was cut short, for good that time.

"We, we lost him!" Izumi panicked.

Mash sighed. "Well, that's the Doctor for you. You can't rely on him in situations like this. There's on use on dwelling on that, though, so let's get moving!"

"Carry me in your arms, please," Saotome begged her. "I think I sprained an ankle when I arrived here, and-"

Akashi bopped a hand on the back of Saotome's head. Hard. "Your foot feels much better now, doesn't it?!"

Saotome winced. "Actually, no, it doesn't! Why would it-"

"And now?!" Akashi growled, kicking her in the ass.

"Yah, yah, it feels better now!" Saotome pouted. "You spoilsport. If I die without ever being embraced by her I'm gonna haunt you forever, you know!"
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Fate Negima Order, Chapter 1, Part 6
We walked down a narrow burnt path, surrounded by the flames that seemed to intimidate Springfield so much. I mean, of course they scared me too. Who wouldn't be scared? But he looked haunted by them, and he'd gone so pale he seemed even smaller than he actually was. Yet he kept on marching, ahead of us.

Mash walked shortly behind him. "Professor, I think Hasegawa-senpai has the right to have her questions answered by now," she said at one point. "Since you don't seem able to do that right now, may I start explaining everything to her?"

"Yes. Yes, please, you do that, Mash," the boy said in a small voice.

I blinked. "Senpai? Why do you call me that?"

"Because you have more experience than I, of course," Mash said easily.

"Experience at what?" I asked.

"At life, naturally!" Mash cleared her throat. "As a young prodigy, Professor Negi was chosen to be a candidate Master. That means he can summon Servants, who are the incarnations of famous figures of history, myth and legends. The Servants fight under the leadership and command of the Master. You are a candidate Master as well, that's the reason why you were brought to Chaldea."

"Me?!" I said. "I wasn't ever told anything of that!"

Akashi sighed. "Well, yeah, like Roman said, there's been some real hiccups bringing people in, apparently. Some magi just aren't big on asking nicely."

"There are seven classes of Servants!" Saotome said peppily, glad to talk on a subject she actually knew something about. Saber, the swordsmen! Archer, fighters who use bows and projectiles! Lancer, warriors who wield spears and polearms!"

"And lances?" I groaned.

"Occasionally," Saotome said. "Berserker, maddened brutes who traded reason for animal vitality! Caster, the crafty magic users of yore! Assassin, the stealthy killers! And Rider, those who handle vehicles and mounts!"

"Alright..." I said.

Izumi raised an eyebrow. "Are you still doubting that after everything you've seen?"

"I never said I was doubting!"

"You sounded like you were," Akashi told me.

"Okay, maybe I'm just thinking you drugged me and that I'm hallucinating all of this crap! Sue me!" I replied.

"But, Mash-chan," Saotome said, "what class of Servant are you? You don't seem to fit any of the types."

"I believe I belong to a new class, Shielder, Servant of defense," Mash said. She tapped a finger on her own head. "That's the information I was supplied by the Throne of Heroes, at least."

"The what?" I asked.

"To put it in layman terms," Springfield inhaled, then coughed thanks to the wafting smoke, "it's the place Servants, or Heroic Spirits, come from."

"The afterlife, then?" I asked.

Springfield waved a hand. "Not exactly, but there's no time to go into detail right now. Mash isn't a Heroic Spirit, but one contacted her when she was a child, endowing her with her abilities. We never could make her activate them until now, however."

"My head hurts," I admitted. I looked at Izumi. "Are you a Master candidate as well?"

"No, I was always supposed to be only a medical staffer," the girl answered. "I don't come from a family of mages like Yuuna-chan or-"

Then Springfield and Mash came to a halt, and so did we behind them. "What's up?" Akashi readied her wand. "More skeletons?"

"I don't feel any hostile presences, but there's someone ahead of us," Mash said tensely. "They're running towards us. It may be a survivor of this disaster!"

I squinted through the smoke ahead our road. And then I could make a thin figure dashing in our direction. "Say, isn't that-"

"Director!" Springfield said with relief, running towards her in turn.

"Oh, thank God!" Mash said, running after him with a big smile.

We followed them at a more sedate pace, Izumi obviously as wary as myself. But it was indeed Director Animusphere, with some bangs and cuts, and bruises, all over her body and clothes. "Ah... It's you?!" she cried, stopping before us and looking like she had just been crying. Then, just as quickly, she stood straight and hewed with great airs of superiority. "I mean! It was about time you found me, and where had you-"

"DIRECTOR!" Mash hugged her tightly. Then she pulled back, blushing. "Uh, duhhhh, I mean, sorry! I, I got carried away, but-!"

Animusphere blinked at her. "Mas- Kyrielight?" She looked up and down. "Is that-"

Mash smiled and nodded. "Yes! Professor Negi did it! I'm a Demi-Servant now, thanks to him!"

Springfield rubbed the back of his neck, looking aside. "N-No, that's all on you, Mash..."

Animusphere blinked slowly. "I-I see... Well, that's a good thing, since... I'm afraid I have a Servant on my trail as we speak..."

"Eh?" Mash said. "There must be a mistake, Director, surely, if another Servant was anywhere close, I'd have detected their presence by now! Even as a half-Servant, I still should be able of that!"

"Unless..." Saotome raised a pointer finger, "It's an Assassin, right? That's their whole shtick after all."

Mash bit her tongue. "Ah, th-there is that, I suppose."

Then Animusphere shrieked, practically leaping into Springfield's arms, as we saw another shape approaching from the way she had come from. It was a relatively tall, handsome man in ancient looking Japanese robes, holding a shiny katana in a hand. Thick, pulsing red lines ran all across his handsome face, and his eyes were cold and hollow.

"Is that... Is that him?" Springfield gulped, preparing his staff.

"What else could he be?!" Animusphere shouted.

Mash stepped in between us and this weirdo. "Stay back, everyone!" she said. "I'll handle him..."
Secret Origins, Part 2
Les Schtroumpfs.

"O Great Stork," the elder Smurf said, addressing the towering bird standing before them. He raised his arms and bowed his tiny blue head. "Wise messenger, I now smurf a most important query from you! You bring baby Smurfs every blue moon, yet we ignore from where and why! Answer us if you can, smurfest one! Give meaning to our lives! Show us our origins!"

The stork looked down at Papa Smurf's papa. It cocked its head aside. Then its beak swooped down and it swallowed the elder smurf whole.

The young smurfling dressed red gasped, terrified, and ran into the woods.

Papa Smurf sighed. "And that, my boy, is why you shouldn't smurf such questions from it."

Brainy Smurf gulped loudly. "Hah ha ha, I'll think about it...!" he said, trying to keep on his brave smile.

Blazing Combat.

The bloodied soldier dragged himself through the mud.

He felt a presence both looming behind him and standing before him. It was a man, or it looked like one, wearing the uniform of his enemy but also his own.

"Who... Who are you?" the soldier asked, coughing blood.

From the moment the first fish crawled out of the sea and turned around, biting the one crawling after him in the throat, I have been, the voice said. It was cold and inhuman, deep and raspy.

From the moment Cain stabbed his brother and left him to die, I have been, the voice said. It was cold and inhuman, deep and raspy.

I am War. And you are one of my numbers, War told him with evil happiness.

The soldier closed his eyes and breathed out. The actual enemy soldier who had shot him stopped behind him and finished him, with a shot in the head.


The Dark Knight walked into the satellite's monitor duty room. "All right, Booster, Beetle, your turn is over, I'm taking-"

A lot of confetti rained on him as everyone jumped out to cheer "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BATMAN!"

"- I already hate this," the Caped Crusader said.

Plastic Man laughed. "Ah ha ha ha, don't say that! This is a day for fun, sourpluss! And you know what's really funny? Today's also the birthday of Bruce Wayne, that no good millionaire airhead!"

Elongated Man rolled his eyes.

Guy Gardner grinned, giving Batman a yellow folder. "My gift first!"

Batman opened the folder and pulled out several photos of Garder having sex with a naked except for the mask Catwoman. "... nice try, Gardner, but I can see they are forgeries. You won't rile me up."

Guy shrugged. "It was worth a try!"

"I'm telling her. One of these days you're going to wake up with your eyes clawed out," Batman said.

"Ta daaaaaa!" Ice said, rolling in a lifesize statue of Batman. "Do you like it? I made it myself!"

Batman stared at it. "That's... nice, Tora, but how am I supposed to keep it frozen at all times?"

"You don't have an icebox this size in your cave?" Ice asked.

"Why would I?"

"In that case, can I move in with you?"



The Spectre walked to Batman, stretching his hands and showing him an image of a screaming man burning at a stake. "I give you a sight to placate your ever damaged heart," the Vengeful Wraith boomed. "The murderer of your parents, burning forever in hell!"

Batman's eyes shrank to white dots.

A moment later, he crouched at a corner, facing away from everyone, staring at the wall.

Everyone glared at Spectre.

"I honestly thought that would cheer him up," he said.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

"You know, I've been thinking," Eddie said, as Dolores poured him another large cup of black coffee. "Roger and Jessica's relationship is all kinds of messed up..."

Dolores rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, Mr. Valiant," she said sarcastically. "Are you going to look at it this way after knowing them for so long? They are happy together and that's what matters..."

"No, I don't mean that they're a rabbit and a woman!" Eddie said. "I can get used to that, everyone can! But I never thought about it before, but they were created by the same cartoonist! They are siblings, Dolores! If anyone in power ever stops to think about it..."

Dolores hummed, and then shrugged. "It has worked well for Mickey and Minnie, hasn't it?"

She turned around and left for another table.

Eddie blinked at the new realization.

The person sharing the lunch with him whistled. "Gawrsh!" Goofy said. "I'm never talking to those deviants again!"

Fate Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya.

They looked through the window, at the snow slowly falling on Fuyuki.

Irisviel rested on her husband. "Do you regret it?" she asked him. "Losing your heart's wish, just for our sake?"

He looked at her, and at their small baby, and smiled. It was a sincere smile at last, after so many years. "This is my heart's wish," Kiritsugu said. "I'm glad I realized it in time. I don't know wht would have happened if I hadn't, Iri."

He kissed her forehead, as little Shirou clapped happily and Sella and Leysritt stood ever watchful.

Elsewhere Waver Velvet returned to Clock Tower, bruised and shaken but a changed man for the better. A new beautiful younger sister smiled at him. He smiled at her. She seemed nice.

Little Rin and Little Luviagelita had their first fight, as Luvia had finally snapped Rin out of her funk her own way. Yet somewhere else, Asuna and Ayaka shared a strange fleeting feeling of empathy for some reason.

Even Kirei stood thoughtfully in the church, not having been corrupted and deciding to do something good for this world, even if he didn't feel like it. It was his duty, at least. To make himself feel better, he took his coat and went out for mapo tofu.

Yes, in this world, everything had changed for the better. For a nicer and brighter future. Everything...

Little Sakura sank further into the worm pit while Zouken cackled.

"You idiot," she very quietly told the narrator.

Sorry. Almost everything.
It's Another Untold Myth from Ancient Greece!

The oracle said it clearly. "Your son will cause your death."

The king walked back home with his men. "That boy has to die," he told them.

His chief of commanders nodded. "Following the protocol for these instances, we will leave him to die in a basket, alone in the woods so the elements and the woodland beasts kill him."

"No! You know how it goes afterwards!" the king said. "A couple of kind shepherds will find him, raise him as their beloved son, and unaware of his heritage, he'll murder me many years later!"

They entered the palace. "Bring me the boy," the king commanded.

And they did so, and the king stabbed him.

"That should suffice," his chief advisor said.

"We need to make sure!" the king stabbed him again.

"Sire, it's just a baby..." one of the guards said.

"Just in caseee...!" the king said, stabbing him over and over, until he appeared satisfied enough and passed the remains to a wincing soldier. "See? That's the way it's done. I'll be in the baths taking all of this blood off..."

He began walking out of the room. But then, he slipped on a puddle of red, fell backwards, rolled against the wall, and broke his neck.

His lieutenants stared at the dead man in surprise.

It twitched twice, and sighed his last.

They stared at each other. "Did the oracle mention who would succeed him?" one of them asked.
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Servants who never should be summoned.



Kotomine Kirei was not a man who emoted easily, much less in surprise about pretty much anything. Even so, he had to blink in confusion now.

This man was not a member of the Order of Hassan, evidently. His outfit, a form fitting suit of brightly yellow tights with a mask and a red lightning symbol on his chest, was too colorful for that.

"I'm Servant Assassin," he said. "Are you my Master?"

"Ah... Yes," Kirei said.

"Good to hear. I'll be back right now," Assassin said, and disappeared in a blur of light.

Before Kirei could understand what had happened, Assassin reappeared right before him, covered on blood. "It's done," he told Kirei.

"What do you mean?"

"The Masters. I searched the city at super speed and found all six other men with command seals on them. So I killed them. What are your orders now?"

Kirei blinked again. "Well... That's too bad on Tokiomi-san, but... I can't feel too upset for some reason. Now all we need to activate the holy grail is for you to kill y--"

Before the sentence could be finished, Assassin vibrated a middle finger through Kirei's skull.

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