[RWBY] RWBY Shorts

[AndrewJTalon]

How It Happened – Part 2

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Count wrote a continuation.

And this is the second chapter in a row where I managed to light every one of Whitley's nerves on fire. This is not going to be a thing every chapter.

I'll get this posted on SB in short order. But now that Dragonslayer week is over, I felt that it was right to work on something non-Dragonslayer again and was able to bang this out.

Thoughts, feedback?

Also, @AndrewJTalon, nice work on the Cinder & Pyrrha snippet.

Click to shrink...

The exposition was pretty well handled. You did misspell "Warrant Offizier". You could tighten up the dialogue a little, though you do have fairly decent voice differentiation between characters.

And thanks. I thought it might have been good if a bit cliche to enhance both Cinder and Pyrrha's characters.

 

[CountvonBarnOwl]

The exposition was pretty well handled. You did misspell "Warrant Offizier". You could tighten up the dialogue a little, though you do have fairly decent voice differentiation between characters.

And thanks. I thought it might have been good if a bit cliche to enhance both Cinder and Pyrrha's characters.

Click to shrink...

Bad idea?

I'm trying to capture the General's Edward Richthofen tone of voice and his propensity to click back into his native when I can get away with it, and the fact that Amzel is basically an archetypal Germanic mad scientist. Unfortunately, the only German I know all involves weapons, munitions, tanks, planes, premodern mercenaries, philosophers I have wildly varying relationships with. Certain classical songs and poems that I particularly like. I cannot say I know very much about the language.

So it comes off as disjointing and breaking the flow of the story? Like, it isn't readily apparent that this is just the way the character talks?

So, might I ask further how I can make Amzel sound like a giggling mad scientist?

In your estimation, what does he lack?

 

[ThunderBasilisk]

Peleus needs the beetle treatment from the Mummy

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Dragonslayer week is almost upon us! So enjoy a few more prompts to get yourselves writing:

-Yang feels ugly and unfeminine after losing her arm and acts more butch. Jaune though tells her she doesn't have to reject the feminine, it's part of who she is, and he still thinks she's beautiful. This sticks with her and she sees Jaune in a new light.

-Jaune is at his lowest in the Ever After. He's been haunted not just by something pretending to be Pyrrha, RWB, Ren and Nora, but also pretending to be Yang. When he meets the real thing again... He embraces her and thinks she's the illusion, admits he loves her and he misses her so much. Explore the fallout when he learns it's the real thing.

-Post-Vytal, Yang unlocks a new level to her Semblance that turns her into a crazed, mad berserker that can't tell friend from foe. Jaune is the one who figures out how to calm her down. She's terrified of her new power but Jaune is determined to help her master it. He wants to be useful and he can take the hits, so he works with her the most.

-Yang and Jaune end up working on Bumblebee together and take her for a test ride, where Yang hopes to get her feelings across to this dense idiot!

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Bad idea?

I'm trying to capture the General's Edward Richthofen tone of voice and his propensity to click back into his native when I can get away with it, and the fact that Amzel is basically an archetypal Germanic mad scientist. Unfortunately, the only German I know all involves weapons, munitions, tanks, planes, premodern mercenaries, philosophers I have wildly varying relationships with. Certain classical songs and poems that I particularly like. I cannot say I know very much about the language.

So it comes off as disjointing and breaking the flow of the story? Like, it isn't readily apparent that this is just the way the character talks?

So, might I ask further how I can make Amzel sound like a giggling mad scientist?

In your estimation, what does he lack?

Click to shrink...

His patter needs to be more manic, slow dramatic weighty bits, quicker bits. You can use smaller words or lack of spaces and runon sentences in a few places to better convey his manic feel.