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SHINOBI: The RPG - Act 2 (Naruto/Fallout SI)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Fulcon, May 7, 2019.

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  1. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

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    She got dealt a raw hand this time.

    Daisuke: So didn't either of you have the option of staying home with your eight-year-old daughter?

    Hisako's Dad: I didn't, but I wish I could've. Didn't you have the option of not being a bloodthirsty psycho?

    Daisuke: Hey, I only killed people when they attacked me first. Don't change the subject, this is about how you abandoned your daughter and let her fall into my arms, so to speak.

    Hisako's Mom: The number of times you've broken her heart, you need to stay away from her.

    Daisuke: Hey, she's not entitled to my attentions-

    ...and it turn into this massive argument.

    No, they run missions to the Land of Lightning and are absent from the village for most of the year.

    They would rather her daughter find a boy that was actually loyal to the village and wasn't such a headcase. They'll talk to him if they have to, but other than that, they'd like to steer clear of him.

    As in, at the Chunin exams?

    No.

    They would much rather run for their lives.
     
  2. Kejmur

    Kejmur I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    In most cases I see in fanfiction stories she ends up with Kiba once Naruto is 'taken' by someone else. While there are similarities between them... let's say I'm not a fan of Kiba and move on.

    But whoever she ends up with, I suspect it must be some sort of optimist/determinator, who will be able to support her and cheer her up no matter what. And to be honest finding someone similar to Naruto may be... very tricky in this kind of world to be honest.

    Oh, Nawaki would do the trick. And Daisuke may revive the guy. Pretty much when Tsunade observed Naruto he always reminded her of her little Nawaki Senju. And what little we know they are pretty similar, at least in most basic acting patterns.

    Karin could also possibly work and in the end it's reasonable to assume both are straight, but I think it would be interesting to see? As LGBT culture in Japan has very long traditions in fact and are in fact pretty tolerant towards those, which links describe in detail pretty well.

    From what I remember I read about some time ago, some more conservative Japanese have very specific approach towards two younger females being in the relationship of the same gender, which is still something that shows up in their society. That some people believe that girls 'experiment' and may grow up from their lesbian relationship. Important thing to note is that this doesn't apply to M/M relationships.

    I assume Hisako's family doesn't have any sort of relatives or hire some people to entertain her daughter (like team of genin) for someone to take care of her when they were missing?

    Although I suspect it may be also some sort of shinobi paranoia that doesn't let them trust anyone who may be considered a stranger or something similar.

    Ahh Shinobi the 'bastions of sanity'. Yeah, right :p.

    I suspect it's that far lower tolerance towards differences which in feudal era was pretty popular. Unlike in our times people which were outside of the norm ended up often as 'heretics', 'blasphemers' or they simply ended up dead because society couldn't either afford to raise them (too time consuming or too expensive to take care of the potential cripple or mentally different) or it would make them too different from acceptable back then forms.

    Many, MANY people struggle to think outside of established stereotypes as they are too close minded so instead of actually trying something difficult like learning about them it's either to dislike/hate them and isolate them, so they can stick closer to people they have far easier time to relate to.

    This kind of discrimination in Naruto does show up pretty often, like shinobi against shinobi from different villages or whole Jinchuuriki messes.

    Because this is true. While Classic Naruto tried to promote 'hard work pays off!' message via for example Rock Lee, Kishimoto dunked his own... message/idea and turned Shippuden into a bloodline/bullshit hax/power up out of nowhere escalating power fest. I still wonder why he did it. He tried to copy DBZ model to gain additional popularity? Meh, whatever. Anyway point is that unless you are really lucky (like receive good teacher) if you don't have specific biological advantages, you start from a pretty shitty position in this world.

    And I will simply state that Naruto is hardcore oddity, which I would never expect in real life. Would you expect anyone to grow up like him after the shit and abuse he needed to deal with? Most people would either commit suicide, snap or be completely depressed. It's a MIRACLE Naruto ended up the way he is and honestly I suspect him being Asura's reincarnation is something that helped here alot to survive. Pretty much anyone else wouldn't handle this kind of abuse in the long run the way he did. It's almost impossible.
     
  3. TheLostArchivist

    TheLostArchivist Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    I'm sorry, but I think the whole harem thing's absolutely stupid.

    Let me count the ways:

    Anko wants more people involved because she's covering for PTSD (and doing a rather poor job, possibly making it worse by bringing in other people who might result in her getting dropped). She also doesn't trust Dasuke, which is understandable but also partially her fault because they didn't need to instantly bang. (There's this thing called dating...) For that matter, she already got along with him perfectly well because he was a gentleman and helped her out quite a lot for half of a year! (Which counted right up until it didn't, in what seems slightly like a retcon.) So, this could have been avoided with a bit of communication and not being an idiot.

    Dasuke is highly against the idea (or at least wants to be, and compromising morals for things you have dark desires for is a very dangerous slope), and was tricked into agreeing to it. He would have been perfectly happy with Anko, but now he has to deal with the whole "circus" again once word inevitably gets out to ALL the inbred, entitled, shallow idiots who want his babies that he's in an open marriage that he didn't sign up for or have control over. I don't particularly LIKE either of his previous love interests. Also, aside from the circus thing, he didn't want a harem, and IS mad at Anko for forcing him into this (though I still think he could just cut that off, promise or no -- it's not really healthy when your wife tries to set you up with other women because she's insecure and wants to sabotage herself).

    Ino tried to mind-rape/possess him to prevent him from leaving. She also managed to obtain his most important secret (or at least a glimpse of it, even if she didn't figure it out). If there's anyone I expected to him to actually kill, it would be her. That freedom is the one thing, more than the ex-"child"-hotbutton that I can see him blowing up for. Otherwise, I just saw her as essentially a noble heiress who wants a trophy husband and has managed to convince herself that 'she wants the beefcake'. I don't see much understanding toward his actual personality, goals, or desires until far too late, and I'm unsure how much ANY (including Anko) will EVER understand this since they are all indoctrinated by the Village system. (~...Here in our town, where we don't have to wait, To find out that our destiny, Is just to emulate...~)

    Hisako apparently has a stalker crush on him, since he's a worthy opponent (bleh). Again, it was only quite recently that she even took enough of a knock to the head to realize that she was an idiot who only wanted him for his skills (I suppose it could go there if you have a dirty mind (sadly, who doesn't), but that's really not what I meant). He has a freaking wife and they are still chasing him, trying to get into his bed! She has NO understanding of who he really is or what he'd want out of life, and instead seems to want to mold him into a safe, boring chakra sponge to make her all-powerful on the way to ultimate ninjahood. The former would also be something that he's tried to tell her multiple times (CHA didn't really help there, admittedly) and one you'd think that his marriage would finally underscore.

    Whatsername, the Chief's Daughter, simply pulled the political marriage card to learn cool stuffs. We don't even know who the hell she is, and the very first time she actually appeared in the story she signed up as a concubine. I don't CARE if you have mind-reading ninja skills now, that's not healthy! Sure, it fits in character, but if not for Anko's stupid meddling, she'd have quite reasonably gotten dropped like a radioactive mutant potato!

    His "bloodline" is, as far as I can tell, an excuse, and his children probably won't have Gamer powers. I at least am under the (who knows if I am mistaken) impression that they know he has bullshit abilities, but not that there's nothing particularly special about him biologically (in specific, they can't tell for sure since his powers are so bullshit that they don't know what to look for in the first place). Him being a dropped-in reincarnate with a System would normally imply that it's just him, and not just something that can be farmed (which is something I fully expect they will try to do -- which it seems Anko might be trying to help them with. I hope that she's not a plant or going "...and think of Konoha" because that no-suicide quest might just get failed otherwise). To be fair, he's told no one this fact, with possible exception of Anko, so that's only an annoying fact to the readers and not necessarily the characters. But it doesn't help.

    Also, this is partially the God of Evulz' fault, but Naruto is being an idiot and I can see that not ending well when he just ignores Dasuke's actually good intentions and halfway-not-sucky plan to go "We want you back in our village of serfdom, nepotism, and mercantilism because you are too dumb to realize how great it is here, and what a good thing you had going!"
    It's kinda unfair; Dasuke's actually improved slightly by this point.




    Now, for things I liked, because I share some commonalities with the main character and tend to just whine about things I dislike rather than admit I enjoyed things.

    I quite liked the system and how the mechanics work. I doubt that the chakra combinations are all canon (I've not seen Naruto and am going by what I've heard in some fanfics, some of which were never completed), so inventing the new ones and the certainly the jutsu is a lot of effort and deserves a mention for adding to worldbuilding.

    Dasuke's a believable character, and you did an excellent job balancing his knowledge and maturity against his actual age and 12-year-old maturity. Which takes a lot of effort, and is normally handwaved with random crying jags in places that don't necessarily make sense. So, that was very well done, and I appreciate that you didn't do that. I do think his sudden bout of CHA maturity was somewhat overdone, but it was still quite in-character if less plausible in a few places.

    The missions are quite good too, and you had no fear of derailing canon in some places. I'm happy that it wasn't a rehash of canon despite his involvement. I'm slightly annoyed that his failing memory is responsible for not taking out Tobi and the mad moon cult, but I'll let that go for now.

    All in all, it was a very good story right up until he suddenly decided to kill Orochimaru (as much as that was deserved, because the Akatsuki are evil) and then got angry at the village he's been dealing with for his whole life (their unsavory actions aside, reform is still easier from within. At least to that village). Past that point I'm a bit less sure, but I'll wait to see how this goes.





    Can you please not show as many lurid details, though, once they are out of the honeymoon phase?
     
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  4. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

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    I don't really have much to say to this. Everything you're complaining about is either something I like about what I've written, there by design, or is part of the fabric of canon that I'm using.

    So...I'm sorry? What do I say to this? I don't feel like it would be right to change anything.

    Thank you. :)

    *shrugs*

    I tried my best. I'm glad you liked it, though.

    Again, thank you. I personally dislike rehashing canon, so I do my best to change things up.

    It was at that moment where I changed from writing because I wanted to enjoy something to writing it just to finish it. Not particularly healthy, but I needed to finish something since I hadn't done that before.
     
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  5. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Getting sticky.

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    There's a spectrum necessary to criticism and understanding it. The quality and personal enjoyment spectrum.

    You can have something really well done in subject material that you actually like.

    You can have something badly done in subject matter you enjoy.

    You can have something with a clearly high amount of quality with subject matter you don't like.

    And you can have something with awful quality in subject matter you don't like.

    What we're seeing here is someone just straight up doesn't like harem elements. He sees the inherent crazy character problems that such elements usually demand as issues, rather than enjoyable parts of the narrative there for a purpose. He also had mostly good to say about the rest of the work.

    While criticism is a spectrum as opposed to a binary set of two variables, it seems we're mostly on quality product with disagreeable subject matter.
     
  6. Krazyfan1

    Krazyfan1 I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    too bad theres no jutsu to cause them to feel everything that their daughter felt because of them and show them why they were wrong
     
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  7. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Getting sticky.

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    Oh Daisuke could do that easy. One mind reading jutsu for appropriately accurate emotional content, one genjutsu to force the emotion. This is of course assuming you can't just make them ninshu each other.
     
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  8. Mike45

    Mike45 Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    Okay, maybe i'm not seeing something or i don't get it ?

    Minato kills around a thousand+ enemy shinobi (during heavy wartime but still) no one calls him a disgusting butcher of human meat :eek:(except Iwa of course, over there he is pretty much their Finnish White Death Sniper-like figure), instead he is lauded as one of Konoha's greatest heroes/idols................yeah i'm actually pretty sure some people will suck him off on the street with the level of Konoha's idolatry i'm getting about Minato, Konoha's idolatry culture sometimes gets really bizarre to me.

    Daisuke kills some number of enemy shinobi and summon beasts purely in defense of himself and fellow Konoha servicemen and/or for the success of the mission at hand, insures the survival of Konoha's next generation in the cursed sewers........gets called a bloodthirsty sicko.

    Daisuke's only flaws/eccentricities (as if there are shinobi without them) is that he's rather fast and loose with the proper chain of command protocols, he's got somewhat an attitude problem with COs (doesn't seems to be a huge problem for Mr.Mac Generic Main Superhero Pants Naruto...........fucking annoying) and tends to be extremely awkward in anything that requires social interactions/navigation (doesn't seem to stop Rock Lee or Gai all that much)

    so how exactly Daisuke is BLOODTHRISTY/NEXT OROCHIMARU PSYCHO by the standards of your average battle-tested shinobi or any shinobi specializing in diving headfirst into combat ? (until the breakaway incident at the end of Part 1 and even then he only used the equivalent of rubber bullets/tazers to the legs, ungrateful bastards)

    Konoha (especially under Danzo's invisible hand) seems to have habit of being ungrateful, impossible to please bunch of cunts for the most arbitrary of reasons.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
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  9. MMMm

    MMMm Know what you're doing yet?

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    It's because you're supposed to smile and give a peace sign after you do it, then when everyone's gathered together you give a pep talk and end with a friendship speech.

    It's all about marketing and presentation. It changes people's perceptions entirely.

    If Daisuke spent his free time planting trees, helping out at homeless shelters and preaching about how much he loves the village, then turning and giving a salute to the Hokage monument, then people would just see him as this awesome patriot who uses extreme means to defend his country, and seeks to gain power to better protect it.

    But without all of that, their minds just fill in the blanks in unfavorable ways.
     
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  10. Mike45

    Mike45 Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    (So basically be a pro-Konoha ass-kisser 24/7, strange how other shinobi don't have to live up to these ridiculous double-standards when a simple ANBU check-up on him should show that Daisuke despite his incredible superpowers lived a barely "working poor" existence, mostly one room with no furniture, never arrogant and bragging by putting standard shinobi down despite his social autism, at least not intentionally)

    Meh I still call them ungrateful "Burn The Witch !" pieces of shit, wasn't he volunteering at the hospital and providing the academy teachers with new sweet techniques for free in Part 1 ?
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2019
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  11. MMMm

    MMMm Know what you're doing yet?

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    Oh, I would never try to defend his friends. He'd have been better off on any other team. Can you imagine this story with Might Guy as his teacher and Lee and Tenten as his teammates? Far less misery for everyone.
     
  12. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Getting sticky.

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    Wrong generation to be teamed with Lee I think. Lee was a the year before Naruto, where I think Daisuke's team was before that. Still, YES HE WOULD'VE DONE BETTER UNDER GAI! That massive pile of earnest loves students with crippling flaws, and will work to ensure the best for them with all the power hidden in his eyebrows. Could've had an excellent tank caster relationship with Lee too. Probably replace Tenten over Neji though. She was pretty blatantly designed as a filler character with minimal screen time or development where neji has actual arcs and effects on other characters.
     
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  13. Mike45

    Mike45 Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    I'm starting to get reminded of Irredeemable by Mark Waid, a story where basically a Kryptonian/Superman expy after a number of unfortunate mistakes, kinda goes like "Ehhhh.........you know what ? 'sigh' fuck it :rolleyes:, i'm just gonna enjoy mutilating your corpses instead, how that sounds ? :mad:"

    mind you i read that almost a decade ago so i'm just roughly paraphrasing the gist of it: "I can build a literal heaven on earth for these people on top of a volcano but all i'm gonna get from these ungrateful ants is an endless, indignant RAGE for how dare i not solve all their problems FASTER !, i swear it's like making magic tricks for a dog"
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
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  14. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

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    Nope, same year.

    It's like you need a reason to do good beyond other people's approval because, as I have been told, many times, you cannot please everyone.
     
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  15. gustyeagle

    gustyeagle Getting sticky.

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    I know how to solve both of these problems and literally every other problem, the infinite tsukuyomi.
    If you want to torture people you don't like , infinite tsukuyomi some completely reasonable and rather inept parents.
    Want to please everyone and fix everything, infinite tsukuyomi those bitches.
    Infinite Tsukuyomi, will literally solve every problem, guaranteed
     
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  16. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Getting sticky.

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    No. Infinite Tsukuyomi is where Zetsu come from. It's why Tobi and Madara only had a few tens of thousands despite "growing" them for years. Infinite Tsukuyomi hits everyone with a genjutsu where they live their perfect day. While the people's actual bodies stop moving the great tree encases them. Over an exceedingly long period of time the mind gradually dulls to repeated information which loses details to dull faster as the mind becomes less equipped to notice. Once it's completely inert the Zetsu programming, mentally and physically, begins.

    Kaguya intended to use them as foot-soldiers when her relatives came to investigate her going rogue. Even before going completely insane, Kaguya wasn't a good person.
     
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  17. gustyeagle

    gustyeagle Getting sticky.

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    Just make a Infinite Tsukuyomi that doesn't do that.
     
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  18. MMMm

    MMMm Know what you're doing yet?

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    You're better off skipping the middle man and just killing everyone yourself. The afterlife is already a paradise.
     
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  19. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Getting sticky.

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    Even in a world where the endless illusion DOESN'T turn all targets into mindless drones you have other problems. What's to provide the body life support, like food, water, and bathroom services if you remove the tree? Further, there's liable to be beings immune to this. What's stopping them from harming the bodies? And oh, wait a tick, who's going to maintain the illusion? Can't imagine doing it yourself and watching over a bunch of vegetables would be fun. It's just not a good plan.
     
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  20. gustyeagle

    gustyeagle Getting sticky.

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    Except he doesn't want to kill everyone or himself, so not really a paradise for him though.
    Otherwise that would be the best method, and something I recommended like a thread ago.

    I don't understand the reason to get rid of the tree, just link everyone up with the magic wood stuff. the Infinite Tsukuyomi canonically keeps people alive for years before transforming them into White Zetsu, the life support is a trivial problem at best. The only ones who can resist it are Rinnegan users, who want it to happen, Zetsu who also want it to happen, and dead people, just re-dead them or make one that works on them.

    People harming the bodies, is easier to stop after Infinite Tsukuyomi, then before. Also the Infinite Tsukuyomi maintains itself / isn't very hard to use . Or just use a clone to maintain it

    If you are bored there is a way to solve that problem, use Infinite Tsukuyomi on yourself as long as you don't want to be bored.

    Also he doesn't really have a plan now except for work towards making a better world and chilling. Infinite Tsukuyomi is a plan that is at least as effect as what he is doing right now.
     
  21. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Getting sticky.

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    Did you just forget the deities, the system's ability to spawn arbitrary and thus immune enemies, or the fact that you can't cast genjutsu on yourself? Or how the tree is literally a part of Kaguya and requires recombining the tailed beasts? Or the fact that even if you could genjutsu yourself you'd never actually get much from it from much the same reason playing a game of checkers with yourself is pointless from an enjoyment standpoint?

    Or the fact that the system is geared toward conflict, and turning everyone immobile will effectively make them all hostages?

    Or the fact that Nagato, the only one with Rinnegan alive right now, has absolutely no idea of the moon's eye plan, and no reason to support it because of this?

    You're not going to find an end to these objections. The plan is fundamentally flawed at outset.
     
  22. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

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    Guys, I've got an ear infection, so the next chapter...is on hold until it gets cleared up. It's just completely messing with my head and concentration. :(
     
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  23. SirTinal

    SirTinal Verified TinFoilHat

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    Wow those literally suck donkey balls, I hope you get well soon
     
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  24. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Getting sticky.

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    We understand. Better to let the author write when he's in his best headspace. It's just a small setback.
     
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  25. MutantRancor

    MutantRancor [Suspected Sithspawn]

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    If it's Swimmer's Ear, I recommend using an eyedropper to fill your ear canal with hydrogen peroxide. That's always cleared it right up for me within a few applications.

    Just make sure you're lying on a disposable towel, or else you might get bleached spots on your pillowcase.
     
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