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Walk on the Moon (Naruto SI)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by SixPerfections, Apr 6, 2018.

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  1. GLH

    GLH Really?

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    Ok, after way too long of a delayed response, I return with feedback. Ahem. First, you should have used the Harry Potter defense when you first encountered issues over on SB and SV with the accusations thrown at your story. Like THIS and THAT link so helpfully show, the claim is laughable.

    Second, there is little else I can comment on here that others have not brought up themselves, and you are doing a damned fine job with what I have seen so far. The only thing that stands out is Ino not digging for 'harmless' info regarding the summon clan her sister is associated with (like which of the rats Rei summons are complete assholes, and which are ok'ish as individuals, as an example). That just seems odd given her feelings and opinions of them. Yes, she doesn't like them, but she also knows that she can't turn Rei away from them, so I can see Ino trying (and miserably failing) to keep an eye on the more assholish ones while trying to make some inroads with some of the others she can at least stand to be around.

    Amusingly, given how damned much Ino values her sister and family, I could see her ending up aligned with the Rats as well. Something that would make Rei skittish and wary and depressed given her own plans and desires at this time, along with Ino's own inner turmoils and issues being associated with those who hurt her big sister.
     
  2. Cherico

    Cherico Well worn.

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    We all hope and pray this continues on
     
  3. ItsComplicated

    ItsComplicated Getting sticky.

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    Do you mean the Bleach Omakes or the actual fic?

    THE FIC! THE FIC!
    AWAKEN! RISE AGAIN AND HAUNT THE WORLD OF THE LIVING!

    Edit: Also yeah, I'm pretty sure that the author said on SB that they really hated when people begged for updates.
     
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  4. Galxymanonearth

    Galxymanonearth Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    This is one of those fics, where it seems way shorter then it actually is. I look at the word count, and it's way bigger then I exepect it to be.
     
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  5. firbran

    firbran Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

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    The end of chapter 39 was really great, nice job! I'd already read it, before I realized this fic had continued. But I wanted to read it again to remember what was happening. I'm glad I did!

    I liked your continued characterization of Neji in chapter 41.

    That last chapter was quiet funny. Ino is so right about some things, and so completely clueless about others...
     
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  6. RichardWhereat

    RichardWhereat Aia airëa Fëanáro.

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    Glad to see the story here, and glad to see it continuing. Always loved this one, well, no. First read through I thought that it was edgy as fuck and I'd just read a few edgy for no reason harry potter stories so I was edged out but I couldn't stop reading it. It's outstanding in how fucked she thinks is, and well, yeah, that's a death world if you're not top of the pops, and even if you are.

    It's like watching an extremely well written train wreck, glorious. Whether she lives or dies, she's going to seem outstanding doing it.
     
  7. Threadmarks: Chapter 44
    SixPerfections

    SixPerfections Know what you're doing yet?

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    Chapter 44

    000

    Rei sat on the floor of her room with her legs crossed in the lotus position, eyes closed and body relaxed even as she focused intently on the swirling of energies inside her body. She had been sitting in the same position for the better part of three hours now. After the first hour Worm, the corgi-sized peanut butter colored Rat that often kept Rei company, had crawled onto her lap and promptly fallen asleep. It was a testament to the fierceness of Rei's concentration that having a cuddly creature napping on top of her had not negatively impacted her focus for more than a single moment when he first climbed on top of her.

    Worm snuggled himself in deeper in between Rei's legs, deciding that this was by far his favorite form of training that Rei had ever done. As she practiced the Elemental Transformation of her body's Chakra into Fire, her body temperature rose naturally until sitting in her lap felt like being on the inside of a miniature soft and cuddly oven. In Worm's mind this truly was the king of all training methods. After all, the more familiar Rei became with transforming all of her Chakra to the Fire element, the easier it would be to do so quickly in an instant's notice... hopefully, with or without the “necessary” aid of hand seals. That it also gave him a perfect napping spot also contributed heavily to his opinion that this was the “king” of all training methods.

    As always however all good things must eventually come to an end.

    “Oi,” said Rei a few minutes later, her voice thick and lethargic as if waking up from a dream. “You never struck me as the cuddly kind. Not that I really mind.”

    Worm sighed and with some reluctance crawled his way out of Rei's lap. “Rats like warmth, what can I say? Plus there really wasn't anything else to do.”

    Rei reached up and stretched her arms over her head, sighing appreciatively when something popped satisfyingly in her back. As she released her concentration her body temperature quickly returned to normal as the Fire nature Chakra inside of her returned to its default neutral resting state. “Bored, huh? Well in that case, how do you feel about running an errand for me?”

    Worm tilted his head towards her and rolled his shoulders in the Rat equivalent of a shrug. “Sure, I've got nothing better to do. I finally finished exploring and mapping everything within a reasonable several hours' distance from here several weeks ago. I haven't gotten any other assignments so I've got nothing but time for the moment.”

    “You getting bored here?” asked Rei, sounding somewhat concerned.

    “Meh, a bit,” replied Worm. “Don't get me wrong, visiting the Human Realm is still interesting and fun. I do like the chance to explore and sneak around and even hang out. However now that I don't have anything extra to do for the Family here at the moment I'm left just kind of spinning my tail, you know?”

    Rei nodded, feeling a little bit bad. Worm had, from the beginning, been her primary contact with the Family who was more or less assigned to her. He spent as many days in the Human Realm as not, ostensibly to gather as much information for the Family as he could but in reality it was mostly because the Family tended to treat her like a Rat... which meant that in their minds it would be psychologically damaging to her if she went too long without spending times with other Rats. It kind of bemused Rei honestly, but she was grateful for it all the same. Worm had become a good friend and companion, even if she still found it hard to relate to the way his little Rat mind worked sometimes.

    “Well, if you don't mind, could you go to the public library for me? There should be some beginning level fire jutsu scrolls there. Jutsu used to light a campfire or things like that. Bring me whatever you can find.”

    Sure, no one at the library was going to check out a book to a rat, even if it was a giant ninja Rat. However Rei knew full well that checking out a book from the library would never even cross Worm's mind. The truth of the matter was that Rei still liked to get away with her little rebellions when she could, “sticking it to the man” whenever she found an opportunity as long as there was little risk involved. Having Worm “borrow” from the public library and putting it back later with no one the wiser tickled her funny bone. It's not like it could get her in that big of trouble anyway. Unlike some Naruto stories she remembered reading what felt like several lifetimes ago now, the only useful information for ninja to be found at the public library was so general and widespread that it would literally be a waste of time for an enemy infiltrator to go in there and look around.

    “Sure thing, I suppose,” said Worm, sounding willing if not particularly enthused, before immediately turning around and letting himself out through her bedroom window.

    As soon as Worm was gone, Rei bent down and reached for a small trunk she kept under her bed which contained large, carefully labled amounts of all her “special” substances. Rei spent the time Worm was gone dosing herself with carefully prescribed doses of a few different poisons the Rats had prescribed for her recently in order to build up an immunity (or, more accurately, extremely high resistance) so that she would be able to utilize these new poisons in the future without any risk of poisoning herself. In the years since she had started to build up an immunity to a wide variety of poisons Rei had managed to develop something of a tolerance to the side effects of regularly poisoning herself in small ammounts. That is to say, while becoming resistant to a new poison was never entirely pleasant, it was rarely cripplingly debilitating to her anymore even when she pushed the upper limits of the doses she could “safely” take. By the time Worm returned over an hour later, the vertigo and the uncontrollable tremors in her limbs were almost entirely gone.

    Rei was sitting on the floor with her back against her bed with her eyes closed when the Rat crawled back in the window and rubbed itself against her legs in greeting, a standard sized scroll wrapped tightly in his tail. She opened her eyes slightly and ran absently ran her fingers through Worm's fur as he dropped the scroll in her lap.

    “Hope that's what you were looking for,” he said, pushing himself against her fingers one more time before jumping up on her bed and laying down next to her head.

    “I'm sure it will be fine,” replied Rei absently. Normally she would have been more excited to learn her first Fire jutsu ever, even if it was little more than a cantrip, but feeling sick as a dog had a way to dampen anyone's enthusiasm.

    Well, fortune has never favored anyone who only does things when they want to.

    Absentmindedly opening the scroll on her lap, Rei began to read.

    What at first Rei expected to be something of a chore quickly became something that she quite unexpectedly found herself deeply engrossed in. The justu described in the scroll was called Katon: Akakage no Umi (Fire Style: Ocean of Red Shadows). As she read she found that the jutsu in her hand was intended to create a flamethrower-like effect emanating from her mouth that was capable of reaching a very respectable medium range in combat. The flames would then then burn for an unnaturally long time, reach unnaturally high as they burned as well as having a peculiar “sticky” quality to them thanks to the very specific use of the Fire nature Chakra that was used to power it. It was stated that unlike the Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu which was intended for single target elimination with a powerful explosion of energy and heat, Katon: Akakage no Umi was primarily intended to be used for the purposes of battlefield control. In other words, it was intended for corralling and limiting the movements of the enemy so that they could be forced into an advantageous position for the finishing blow. Of course it was still possible to take out an enemy by hitting them with the jutsu directly, but it was stated to not be ideal since the travel speed of the technique was no more than average and that being struck by this technique would lead to a messy, protracted death as the sticky flames would simply burn up the victim like a wicker man rather than instantly taking them out of action with an explosion-like effect such as the one generated by Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu and other similar techniques.

    Rei read through the scroll three times with an excited glint in her eyes and an increasingly eager grin on her face before it finally occurred to her that this was not the type of scroll she had sent Worm out to get for her. In fact, this technique was very far from what she had expected him to come back with. It was very obviously a fully functional, full combat jutsu and nothing like the fire starting cantrip that was supposed to be the only thing available at the library. With rising dread Rei realized that the scroll in her hands could not possibly have come from the public library unless policies there had really changed in the last few months without her knowledge.

    “Worm,” Rei said, forcefully keeping her voice calm and serene.“Where did you get this scroll?”

    “From the library,” was his blithe reply as he rearranged himself and got more comfortable on her bed.

    Which library?”

    “You know. The one that had what you wanted.”

    “Was it the public library?” Rei asked, really struggling to keep her voice from rising.

    Worm must have sensed something was up, because he raised his head enough to look at her full on. “I went to the one I was pretty sure was the public library, but after looking through it I didn't find any fire jutsu scrolls. So then I went to the library a couple of blocks away from that one. That one had plenty of fire jutsu, so I just grabbed what looked like one of the more basic ones and came back here.”

    Rei could feel a vein throbbing in her forehead and suddenly she felt like she might throw up. The closest “library” to the public library that she knew of was about three blocks distant from it... inside of a clan compound. It was a clan archive, sometimes called a clan library. She knew exactly who that “library” belonged to.

    “Please tell me you didn't get this scroll from a red and tan colored one story building roughly three blocks West of the public library,” implored Rei with wide, frightened eyes.

    Worm blinked down at her. “Yeah, I did. Why? Was there something wrong with that?”

    Rei closed her eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. Okay. Okay. There was one more test to confirm if her worst... worst fears would come true or not. Maybe it was all some sort of misunderstanding, right? It could be. It was possible. All scrolls of this sort always had an identifying mark in two places, one small one that could be seen when the scroll was closed and one larger one on the back that could be seen once the scroll was fully opened. Rei opened her eyes, her heart beating as fast as if she were in an all out sprint. Swallowing her trepidation as best she could (not very well) Rei slowly turned the scroll around to look at the back.

    There, clearly stamped in bright red ink for all the world to see, was the unmistakable symbol of the Sarutobi clan.

    Rei stared at it blankly for a few very long, pregnant moments. Then she very abruptly dropped the scroll, grabbed two fist fulls of her hair, pulled her head down between her knees and yelled out one word at the very top of her lungs.

    “FUUUUUUUUUU-!!!

    Thankfully Rei's room had one-way soundproofing so no one could hear her scream.

    000

    AN: I originally planned for this chapter to be longer but this seemed like a natural stopping point. This chapter was short but to make up for that I promise another chapter in a few days (or a week at most) rather than a few months. Graduation will be in the next 3-4 chapters so look forward to it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
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  8. RichardWhereat

    RichardWhereat Aia airëa Fëanáro.

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    Now she goes hat in hand, alongside her summons to apologise to Hiruzen, and have Worm explain exactly what he did?

    That seems too easy for her, but at the same time too smart for her not to do. You did mention she was going to start doing the smart thing, and put herself in less potential danger.

    But then, that could put her in potential danger... ai ai ai...
     
  9. Blazinghand

    Blazinghand Abyss Gazer

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    Heh, reminds me of DCSS's Sticky Flame spell combined with the Conjure Flame spell. A true classic, good value. Battlefield control, damage over time, and of course, lots and lots of fire. An elegant jutsu, insofar as spewing napalm out of your mouth all over the battlefield can be considered elegant.


     
  10. Stormbringer117

    Stormbringer117 Soulless

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    Just put it back, and no one will ever know...
     
  11. SixPerfections

    SixPerfections Know what you're doing yet?

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    Well, it's not so bad as all that yet. Maybe.

    The real question is, did anyone see Worm take the scroll? And has anyone realized it's missing?

    Yeah, Rei has very much got the impression that the Hokage has got it out for her, or at the very least has no love for her. Putting herself into the lion's mouth and asking for mercy... won't be the first thing to cross her mind. Being something of a paranoid control freak that will probably be along the lines of "Truly Desperate Last Resort", only to be used if things such as framing someone else for the crime or praying that *somehow* violence will make things better don't work out.

    Yeah, I wanted something a little more tactical and a little more interesting than the old Great Fireball technique. Akakage no Umi seemed like a good balance of something that could be deadly in the hands of someone crafty and intelligent yet at the same time a jutsu that was not in any way too overpowered. Also I really don't want Rei using "just another fireball". There really are enough of those in the Naruto universe already.
     
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  12. roseknight

    roseknight Getting out there.

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    If its missing the most likely thing is a chuunin checked it out and forgot to properly record what they borrowed after all. When some basic jutsu is missing (and none of the more advanced techniques are), your mind doesnt jump to infiltrator, it jumps to "I bet Akihiko forgot to check out his scroll. That boy can be so absentminded"
     
  13. Fonteius

    Fonteius [Empty Title]

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    Atleast it wasn't Katon: Gōka Mekkyaku, she would have had fun with that one.

    On a serious note, I really liked the Rats in the story, they are lovable and amazing if you are part of their family, but totally merciless against anyone else, Worm is becoming a great character to have around :), maybe let Rei meet some young members of the family to train with her and become partners/siblings like most other characters in Naruto have with their "personal" summon, but more family, or sister towards each other, they could even learn together some new skills for the whole Rat summons.

    Thanks for the chapter, good luck :).
     
  14. Soulwave

    Soulwave Unless you're Merlin

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    Nice to see this updated perfections
     
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  15. SixPerfections

    SixPerfections Know what you're doing yet?

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    Well, that sort of thinking would only hold out until they ask Akihiko. Soo... if she's really lucky, there might be some bureaucratic confusion to give her some cover? Maybe? :confused:. Assuming it's been noticed missing of course.

    Probably not the Chakra capacity for it though. Or maybe she could do it once and pass out from Chakra exhaustion. Well... it would take care of most low/medium level enemies, so it would be kinda worth? Maybe? :D

    Actually, some food for thought for you, and where I'm actually going with this story thread:

    Worm managed to sneak into the secure archives of the Sarutobi clan on basically a whim and make off with one of their scrolls with (presumably) no one the wiser.

    Thus, it would not be absurd to imagine that the Rats could do the same thing to any other clan archives or secure locations.

    In her quest for power Rei kind of forgot the history she got about the Rat clan... that is, they were a clan of thieves long before they were a clan of assassins.

    This has been planned since the very beginning of the story.
     
  16. Yers

    Yers Getting some practice in, huh?

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    Eh, rats gets everywhere it seems.
     
  17. Yuki

    Yuki I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    The smart thing to do is to put it back and pretend you did nothing. The path of power seeking one, however, is to do the smart thing, keep thinking about how awesome the first technique is and eventually go back for more like an addict.
     
  18. Stormbringer117

    Stormbringer117 Soulless

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    You sneaky bastard! :D You!
     
  19. steamrick

    steamrick Matter: protons, electrons, neutrons and morons

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    So... will Rei try to turn this to her advantage and get herself hired for infiltration hardening?

    ie, she gets into somewhere she's not supposed to be and then reports how she circumvented security?
     
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  20. lemon10

    lemon10 Know what you're doing yet?

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    As always I love the story and I am always really happy to see it still continuing. This is pretty solidly my favorite current Naurto fanfic (and second favorite ever) and I was super relieved when it came here and didn't just end up dying after being kicked off SB.
    I have little doubt that she will get away with the initial theft because the Rats are super stealth focused, and in the end all he did was break into a library. The problem of course is that if anyone ever sees her using the technique there is a real chance that the Hokage learns of it even if the people who initially find out (eg. the proctors at the Chunnin exam who will just note down the techniques used in the tournament) had no clue that it was a stolen technique. Of course the mere fact that she knows a Sarutobi clan technique that she was never taught (and thus stole) will be a really big problem and potential grounds for the Hokage to do a ton of terrible shit to her if he wants (and he clearly does).

    Now, if she goes in right now and tells on herself he can't do anything nearly as bad but if he is willing to *really* piss off her clan's power bloc he could still potentially decide to arrest and interrogate her to finish what he started earlier, which really *is* a significant concern even if she wasn't super paranoid. And since she is a super paranoid person I honestly can't see her actually going him and telling him what happened.

    Of course, the truly smart thing to do is to return the technique itself to the library before anyone notices its missing and then just never use it or wait till there is a friendlier/not hokage Sarutobi clan head and just learn a different fire technique instead. That does require her having patience (heh) and never getting into a situation where she has to use it or die, both of which are kinda doubtful.
     
  21. SixPerfections

    SixPerfections Know what you're doing yet?

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    Damn, its hard to talk about this without giving away blatant spoilers. I'll try not to do that. But, come on... you've read about Rei right? Power hungry, audacious, arrogant, suspicious of authority girl here. She's not going to settle for using it for something as pedestrian as that.
     
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  22. Sceptic

    Sceptic Critical Irrationalist

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    Simple solution: write the chapters until you've covered everything you'd be spoiling
     
  23. Grigori

    Grigori Not too sore, are you?

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    Heh, nice to see this updated. Worm was just adorable and I love the casual stealing from a clan library, especially that man's. I'd say that if one of the founding clan's built their reputation on the stealing of other's techniques, it can't be too bad a move, right? I'd call that tacit permission; with the Rats simply being her answer to lacking the Sharingan :p
     
  24. varoksa

    varoksa Getting sticky.

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    That was a fun chapter, is thats an OC jutsu i felt it sounded pretty realistic and wouldnt be out of place in canon.
     
  25. Scorpion 3-²

    Scorpion 3-² Making the rounds.

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    I'll be honest not the most interesting chapter. The beginning felt kind of boring but it looks like things will pick up from here and soon at that so I'm happy.
     
  26. Meneldur

    Meneldur Yield All

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    I don't understand why she's sending for jutsu for the public library rather than the Clan Library... has she been warned not to concentrate on elemental jutsu now? I mean, it's pretty obvious kids still in the Academy or just about to graduate aren't supposed to know, but come on, she's a prodigy - will the Yamanaka actually care, or just be really proud of her? Obviously this revelation - that the Rats can steal scrolls (and other things) for her is very useful - you can steal just about anyone's anything. The easiest thing would be to steal jutsu scrolls, copy them as fast as possible if she can, if not study them as fast as possible, and then return them. After all, you have some time - first until someone notices it missing, second until they make sure that no one accidentally forgot to check it out/return it. And if by then they find it back in place, they'd usually ascribe it to their own mistake - they must have not noticed it, i was hiding behind another scroll, etc.
    Of course, the danger then becomes making sure you don't reveal you know clan jutsus you're not supposed to know. Which is why logically she should start with the Yamanaka library, and then maybe try the Hyuuga one - after all, everyone knows she's Hinata's mentor, maybe Hiashi let her, maybe she's using it to teach Hinata? But knowing Rei's self-destructive tendency, of course she won't do that.
     
  27. ItsComplicated

    ItsComplicated Getting sticky.

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    Yes. That was a plot point ages back. She's been forbidden from learning ninjutsu before graduating, apart from the academy three. Right?
    At least I'm certain the clan would give her no teachers and that her father was against it.

    SixPerfections I presume that she figured out what Fire chakra was like by observing her chakra interacting with chakra paper?
    So could she get started on another nature by asking Hinata to do the same? I think she's water, but that could be fanon...
     
  28. Cherico

    Cherico Well worn.

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    Im only allowed to like things once this some times frustraits me.

    That said thank god your back six
     
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  29. roseknight

    roseknight Getting out there.

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    Or Rei could copy the info on the scroll, then have worm return the scroll, learn her jutsu, wait a while and pretend to 'invent" her new technique. She is a genius after all and has invented powerful techniques before. Complete Plausible Deniabilty, and there is no way anything could go wrong at all.
     
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  30. cheesyme

    cheesyme I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    this is correct.
    this is not. Just because the hokage would lack proof, doesn't mean he might not suspect Rei, and that suspicion, in addition to getting her more attention, would change the way he and others would treat her in the future.
     
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