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Wyvern - Worm AU fanfic

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Ack, Aug 4, 2015.

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  1. Asheram

    Asheram Know what you're doing yet?

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    Never heard that nickname? He wields a halberd and has an iconic beard. Halbeard. :D
     
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  2. GW_Yoda

    GW_Yoda Professional Lurker

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    I gotta say, I love Vicky!
     
  3. SwiftRosenthal

    SwiftRosenthal Connoisseur.

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    Even so, she should have interrupted Taylor's next line with something to the effect of "Say nothing until your lawyer arrives."

    Taylor: "Who?"
    Sarah: "Who do you think?" *dials Carol*

    Lung doesn't seem to exist in this AU.
     
  4. edale

    edale Versed in the lewd.

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    With Bakuda, she Triggered, then spent the next X days building bombs to threaten her college with. Not a Trigger event situation.

    Also...WTF? Ack, your fanon is showing. Armsmaster would not be that unreasonable in that situation, especially with someone obviously friendly with an entire team of heroes. and especially with someone who's OBVIOUSLY (even to him) a new Trigger.

    At most he'd demand to take her in for questioning, not arrest right off the bat.
     
  5. Monkey D. Funky

    Monkey D. Funky Getting sticky.

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    No, I'm pretty sure Ack is trying to subtly imply that Lung isn't Lung in this story.
     
  6. EJH

    EJH Know what you're doing yet?

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    I have to agree that Armsmaster trying to arrest Taylor in that situation was a bit much, even for him. I think Edale's suggestion has merit. It is more reasonable behavior for someone in his position. And, if he says it in an extremely stern voice (which I could see him doing) it would still panic Taylor and allow you to end the scene with The Halbeard symbolically cast... in a bad light.
     
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  7. steamrick

    steamrick Matter: protons, electrons, neutrons and morons

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    I agree with edale - Armsmaster was acting like he'd just taken stupid pills before entering the house.

    Sure he's socially inept, but you don't get to being the local head of protectorate without at least some leadership skills and a dash of common sense.
     
  8. Nianque

    Nianque Verified Dragon

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    Yeah, I agree with this. Arnsmaster makes stupid mistakes, but this seems stretching it even for him.
     
  9. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Wait, so not arresting someone who just admitted to a crime in front of him?
     
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  10. SwiftRosenthal

    SwiftRosenthal Connoisseur.

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    She shouldn't have had the chance to admit to the crime in the first place before Sarah throws her hand over Taylor's mouth and tells her to say nothing until her lawyer (Carol) arrives. You already confirmed that she'll interrupt at the start of the next chapter anyway; just speed up her reaction time a bit.
     
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  11. steamrick

    steamrick Matter: protons, electrons, neutrons and morons

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    There's a time and place and Armsmaster has got to be politically savvy enough that New Wave wouldn't be having tea time with someone that just fire bombed a school.

    Besides I don't think there's a signed arrest warrant out yet (?) so Armsmaster has the latitude to simply ask her to come in for questioning in regards to the crime.
    No need to play hardball from the get go when you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Or something like that.
     
  12. OverReactionGuy

    OverReactionGuy The only Sane one left

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    Asking Ack to rewrite the chapter is going a wee bit too far Swift. Just because not everyone is behaving in a logical matter. Humans generally don't do that.

    While I agree the scene seems a little forced, I'm willing to wait and see where Ack goes with it from here.
     
  13. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Okay, attempted arrest changed out.
     
  14. SwiftRosenthal

    SwiftRosenthal Connoisseur.

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    Ack has already rewritten it - see the SB and SV versions until he makes the edit here - but he only changed "ARREST NOW" to "Bring you in for questioning." It's not the change I would have made, which is only two lines earlier.
     
  15. OverReactionGuy

    OverReactionGuy The only Sane one left

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    Well, never mind then.

    Still, it is going to far to ask an author that is writing a story for free to rewrite something just because you didn't like how it was handled.
     
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  16. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Actually, no.
     
  17. steamrick

    steamrick Matter: protons, electrons, neutrons and morons

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    I like this version much better :)

    A small change, but instead of Armsmaster coming off as the 'bad guy' (yeah I know he's not) we simply have two people who are both overreacting.
     
  18. Bailey Matutine

    Bailey Matutine (Verified Pooka)

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    Luckily, Taylor can't say anything as a dragon.
     
  19. Starfox5

    Starfox5 Experienced.

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    Good chapter. Funny and touching scenes and meetings. And Armsmaster just got served, so to speak. Now I wonder how he will react.
     
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  20. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Okay.

    Before anyone makes any more comments, this is the passage in question as it stands. Read it before making any more comments.

    I'm going to bed. Where I should have been two hours ago.
     
  21. Garahs

    Garahs Soil Surveyor

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    It still feels forced to me. Taylor may be too preoccupied with shifting to hear what Sarah was saying, but Armsmaster should have. That plus how none of the present New Wave was reacting in surprise at the accusation should have raised some warnings in his mind.

    Taylor also seems to be flipping back and forth mentally between instinct and reason pretty fast.
     
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  22. RoninSword

    RoninSword Sky God

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    Without more practice with her powers, everything she seems to be doing with them appears to be base instinct.

    Edit: Is Lung not a thing in this AU?
     
  23. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

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    Armsmaster is standing on the doorstep. He can't see anyone but Taylor and maybe Sarah.

    He's currently concentrating on Taylor.

    Taylor tends to act largely on instinct when she first changes, but she can regain control as well.
     
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  24. edale

    edale Versed in the lewd.

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    Well I was going to point out that Armsmaster still jumped to potentially lethal force as a measure far too quickly, but:
    Seems you already covered it; though you still need to update this site's version to the fixed dialog.

    Much more believable now. Still has Armsmaster's complete lack of tact, while not having him as almost as off-the-handle as Shadow Stalker (a trend I've noticed in far too many Worm fics, he's an ass, not an idiot). And he is the type to blurt out all the potential crimes an action had without thinking of the context... until it's pointed out to him...

    Enjoy your sleep. G'nite mate (that even a saying, or am I just butchering 'G'day mate'?).
    Taylor Triggered what, like 3 hours ago? With powers with a strong instinctual aspect (else she wouldn't be able to fly, or breathe different types of flames).

    It is to be expected that she has some instinct-based confusion for a while.
     
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  25. SwiftRosenthal

    SwiftRosenthal Connoisseur.

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    This is roughly how I'd rewrite the scene:


    Omake: The Hand That Feeds


    “You're Taylor Hebert,” he announced, surprise in his voice.

    “I … yes, I am,” I admitted.

    “You blew up your locker at Winslow, damaged other lockers extensively, and set the school on fire.”

    [​IMG]

    “I, uh, mmMMmFFF"

    Mrs. Pelham threw her hand over my mouth before I could continue, and began barking out orders. "Vicky, call your mom and tell her to come over here ASAP. Taylor, do not say another wo-"

    I couldn't hear the rest. My blood pounded in my ears. This time, I felt the change coming on. No, no, no, no -

    Arms lengthened into wings, and membranes grew between my fingers and my arms. My t-shirt was gone, torn to shreds. My jeans – I was going through them at a phenomenal rate, just today – tore and split away from my growing tail, my changing legs. In just a few seconds, in my draconic form, I crouched before Armsmaster, wings spread in an unconscious threat display. I tasted something like copper or pork in my mouth and quickly swallowed before opening wide. I couldn't roar, or perhaps I had not yet figured out how, but I was making a pretty loud noise anyway.

    He reached behind his back, there were several rapid click-click noises, and his halberd was in his hands. It was perhaps the most versatile weapon in Brockton Bay. Everyone knew that it could cut through steel like soft butter. And he was threatening me with it.

    “Stand down!” he shouted. “I will use all necessary force if -”

    Flame roiled in my gullet, my head dipped low, and I spat fire. Not the explosive fireball that had opened the locker for me, but a tight, controlled burst. Blue-white at the core, blue around the edges; it illuminated the room with actinic brightness. Armsmaster ducked away, but it wasn't aimed at him. When he next looked at his halberd, the head was simply gone, with just a drooping blob of metal at the tip. Behind him, a line of globs of molten metal sizzled on the lawn.

    Stepping back carefully, the sound of Mrs. Pelham's voice returned. "- the VICTIM of a TRIGGER EVENT!" She finished shouting, gesticulating wildly and spraying blood everywhere from the stump of her left wrist. Wait, what?


    End of Part Four




    (Yeah, Taylor accidentally bit off and swallowed Sarah's hand. Vicky will have to go pick up Amy too.)
     
  26. Monkey D. Funky

    Monkey D. Funky Getting sticky.

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    Well... that's certainly a way the chapter could have gone.

    I think the current version is fine, but that's also an option. I'm not sure if Photon Mom would just keep talking like that while losing a hand and seeing a halberd get ruined.
     
  27. Slayer Anderson

    Slayer Anderson Orthodox Heretic

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    ...actually, I think that was Ack commenting that Lung may not exist in this reality.

    As in, 'Lung, who?'
     
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  28. OverReactionGuy

    OverReactionGuy The only Sane one left

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    The cashier at Walmart.
     
  29. kokuenDG

    kokuenDG Altera my Love~❤

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    Well she's probably running on adrenaline and subconsciously knows that she has a Pan Pan to heal her stump.
     
  30. doomlord9

    doomlord9 Experienced.

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    This and she's been an active hero for awhile. Probably not the first time she has lost an appendage even if she's not quite as accustomed to it as Skitter was.
     
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