Preparation 2.1
Director Patience Warner sat at the head of the table, surveying those before her. "Today begins a supremely great work," she declared grandly. "Like our predecessors, Einstein, Archimedes, West, and Hawking, we will be broaching uncharted territory. Before us stands an entirely unexplored field of study, ripe for SCIENCE!"
The others around the table cheered. After the initial upset of the Mad Scientist selection meeting, things had calmed down. Of the ten initially interested scientists, only six remained. The others had found other projects they were better suited to or more interested in. Only these five, led by Director Warner remained.
"True," Professor Daniel Akkeman agreed. "It has been quite some time since we last had such an opportunity."
"Yes, but that leads to the first major question," Doctor Hugo Beutal began. "Where should we start?"
"That should be fairly obvious," Major Clemency Holst replied. "First we need to see about getting her off of Earth and to Babnockorty."
"I believe Captain Andreyasn volunteered his services in transporting Miss Hebert and her computer," Janitor Albert Schwaz commented. "Provided the conditions on one of the planet's alternates is suitable, I don't think we should have any difficulties."
"That is assuming the computer doesn't need to be in close proximity to work," Analyst Borislav Cuypers added. "It would be a shame to get her off of Earth only to have her drop dead when the computer decides to stop working. Computer Science may be one of my specialties, but I'm not confident I wouldn't miss anything terminal."
"And we thank you for your honest assessment of your skills," Director Warner said. "Fortunately, Professor Farnsworth has given me the contact information for an individual he claims has the skills we need."
Leaning forward, Analyst Cuypers asked, "And who is this individual? Perhaps I've heard of them?"
Director Warner winced, and answered, "He calls himself Hackerman."
"I'm going to ignore his atrocious naming tendencies and ask the important question," Major Holst decided. "Is he good enough?"
"According to Farnsworth," Director Warner began, "Hackerman managed to hack his way into the future, using a computer with 256 kilobytes of RAM and a 7.66 megahertz processor."
"That's inconceivable!" Cuypers exclaimed. "Computing power hasn't been that low since the nineteen nineties!"
"Yes," Warner said dryly. "I do believe that was the point." Looking around the table, she added, "He will, of course, be using much more powerful equipment this time. Now, he should be arriving within the next day or two, so that we may begin. Captain Andreyasn is on call, and, barring any emergencies on his end, will be available with an hour's notice." She looked around the table before concluding, "Once we have her situated, I want each of you to come up with topics to test. We only have her for four hundred and forty four hours once the show starts, so make sure we have something set up to monitor her between sessions or that can easily be done before she begins the show. We'll meet again once Hackerman has done what he can to discuss our options. Dismissed."
"Ready to get out of here?" Cindy asked as she and Taylor stood before the portal.
"Yes," Taylor replied emphatically. "I can't wait to see the sky again or feel a fresh breeze."
"It is a bit cramped up here," Cindy agreed.
"I'm a bit worried about all the bugs, though," Taylor admitted, some nervousness showing through.
"I'm sure they'll be fine," Cindy said. "The orb weaver is happy under your bed, the crickets are all in their box, the millipede's back in its box, the bee hive has its tub sealed, and the ant enclosure has its lid on, right?"
"Yeah," Taylor said, "and I have my spider eggs with me, just in case. But I meant I'm worried about all of the bugs out there." She gestured to the portal. "I mean, there's going to several orders of magnitude difference in the number of bugs, right? What happens if I can't handle it?"
Cindy nodded in understanding. "That's a valid concern. If that happens, I'll get some of the guards to help me carry you back up here and we'll keep working on your capacity. Worst case? We'll have to tranquilize you for a little bit to bring you back up here until you recover. I think you'll be fine, though."
"If you say so," Taylor said doubtfully.
"You've gone from what? A single spider to more than a thousand insects in less than a week?" Cindy asked.
"Around there," Taylor agreed, figuring that the redhead didn't care about the exact number.
"Right," Cindy continued firmly. "This won't be any different from when I brought the ant colony. Now, let's get going." Taking hold of Taylor's arm, she guided her through the portal.
"Woah!" Taylor exclaimed as she crossed the threshold and lost her equilibrium. Cindy caught her before she could fall, and she soon had her bearings back. "That was weird," she opined.
"Maybe, but you seem to be fine," Cindy pointed out. "What happened?"
"The loss of all my insects and feeling so many more new ones all at once was really disorienting," Taylor explained. "I don't think it'd be as bad if I had more insects with me." Gesturing to the pocket holding her egg sack, she added, "I think having the eggs on me helped ground me somewhat, but they don't really have much presence yet, so it doesn't help that much."
Cindy considered that for a moment before coming to a decision. "We're definitely going to have you bring some more bugs back with you when we leave. See if that helps any."
"Right," Taylor agreed. Looking around, she asked, "So, now what? I mean, I appreciate being out in the real world again, but what are we out here to do?"
"I can answer that," Richard Johnson replied as he strode up to them. "Good to see you again, Taylor."
"Nice to see you, too, Richard," Taylor said with a smile. "What's up?"
"Well," he began, "since you're planning on taking up a proper gun, I figured you should actually learn how to shoot it before you try to magic one up."
"Luckily, my boss agreed," Cindy added, "so he scheduled some time on the range for you."
Giving the redhead a shrewd look, she asked, "This is going to be recorded and added to the show so that everyone can laugh at my failures, right?"
"I wouldn't put it like that," Cindy hedged, "but that isn't an entirely inaccurate assessment."
Clapping a hand onto Taylor's shoulder, Johnson said, "Don't worry too much. We're not letting you use the big guns right away. We'll start you off simple, with a .22 and work our way up from there."
"That's a kid's gun, right?" Taylor asked.
"Not quite, though it is a decent round for a child to start with, since it doesn't have much recoil," Johnson corrected. "But it's still a perfectly suitable hunting rifle for small game, as it won't render a rabbit to flinders."
"Oh, that makes sense, then," Taylor replied with a nod. "Think I can try out some of the hand guns as well?"
"I don't see why not," Johnson agreed with a large grin. "It's always good to have a hold out weapon, after all. Hell, maybe we should look into getting you some practice in with some knife work as well."
Cindy sighed as she followed the two towards the range. "I don't know who's going to love her more," she groaned quietly. "The military types or the self defense gurus."
Jacob Tricher stood at the end of a table in the sole spot of light in the room, waiting for the meeting to start. After a solid minute passed, he sighed and asked, "Are we going to have this meeting or not?"
A light above the furthest chair around the table flicked on. Seated there was a heavyset man with a visor strapped across his face. "The meeting will commence," he intoned.
Jacob rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Really, Uncle?" he asked. "Must we do this every time?"
"The protocols must be observed," a thin man with a rather large nose exclaimed as the lights above the other six members of the council clicked on.
"That is correct," Jacob's uncle, the chairman of the committee agreed. "And you should refer to me accordingly."
"You've all seen too much anime," Jacob opined under his breath. "Fine, then, 'Chairman Keel,' may we proceed?" Under his breath, he muttered, "Seriously too much anime. Your last name isn't even Keel. I've met a few of the bastards, and I don't know why you'd want to be compared to one of him."
"We can hear you," another man commented idly.
"Your attitude toward protocol notwithstanding, we are ready to begin," 'Chairman Keel' decided. "What do you have to report?"
"As directed, I did the evil recruiter act with Taylor Hebert, and then proceeded to brag to Cindy Matos, one of Slut Life's former contestants who was convinced to sign on with the company. She has filed an ethics violation report against me for my behavior."
"Was it deserved?" the sole woman at the table asked.
"Considering I got her to sign it through emotional blackmail and without presenting her with any information about what she was signing up for?" Jacob asked rhetorically. "It was definitely deserved. That was a case of outright fraud, and I still feel disgusted for doing it, even with your assurances that it wouldn't be noticed and that it was necessary."
Tricher grimaced and continued, "That said, I can think of plenty of places where doing worse would have gotten me nothing more than a gently worded warning. With Ross, the only reason I haven't been fired is my connection to the Chairman, here. He's not happy about being stonewalled, but he knows bigger things are going on that he doesn't know about, so he didn't tell Miss Matos that the original contract was fraudulent. We're lucky he didn't, because she would have told Miss Hebert, even against orders, and that would have ruined all of your plans."
"There are more branches than you think that would not condone that behavior," the woman replied, "though I understand you haven't visited many of them."
Jacob shrugged. "I'll have to take your word for it." This had actually been one of his better assignments. All he had needed to do was act like an egotistical ass and use any number of tricks to reach and maintain an impressively high recruitment standard. Playing the jerk was definitely significantly less stressful than being one of the only halfway decent people in the department.
"And how did Miss Hebert take your manipulations?" another man around the table asked. Jacob had never bothered trying to learn any of their names, and they'd never made an effort to give them. Besides, based on his uncle, it was unlikely any name they provided would be their real one.
"About as you'd expect," Jacob replied. "It's a good thing she's under Ross's care, or she'd be a definite liability, and I'm not sure if a mind wipe would work correctly on her, assuming they somehow tricked her into signing up for it. It definitely could have ended badly for the company, especially if her abilities are as potent as her file claims." Shuddering slightly, he added, "It also makes me glad I met her on the quarantine station, rather than on the surface."
"And how has she reacted since?" 'Chairman Keel' asked.
Shaking his head in slight disbelief, Jacob replied, "I don't know how she did it, but Matos convinced her to sign up to be a recruiter, rather than take the easy path."
"A sympathetic ear is sometimes all you need," the woman replied. "I haven't had a chance to look over her contract. Did she pick anything particularly interesting?"
Jacob nodded and said, "As predicted, returning home was one of her driving motivations, and Matos presented a work around for the difficulties that the modified contracted caused which should suffice, though it would leave her on her own for a year before we could make use of her. Miss Hebert elected to take the Society Membership as well as both 'Was it all a Dream' and 'New Home' options. Applied correctly, she should be transported back to her hospital bed with all of her memories."
"That doesn't sound right," Jacob's uncle said worriedly. "What does 'Was it all a dream?' do?"
"As far as I can tell," Tricher explained, "it is a variation of New Game+, without providing the option to retain your memories."
"That's definitely not the standard procedure," the man with the nose commented. "We always allow contestants to keep their memories, if they choose to, even if they don't sign the final contract. Where there any other irregularities?"
Jacob shrugged. "I honestly don't know. I didn't look through all of the details of the contract itself, just the parts Miss Hebert selected."
"We will need to look into this more closely," 'Chairman Keel' stated. "Considering everything else we've done to the girl out of necessity, we should at least make sure she was given all of the options we had planned on giving her." Looking over the notes he had been taking, he added, "We will have to keep an eye on Miss Matos. She may become either an asset or a liability in the future." He looked to his left, where another man made a note in a folder before continuing, "Do you have anything else to report?"
"Yes, I do," Jacob replied. "Miss Hebert's primary motivation currently, beyond going home, is to be a hero. To this effect, she has signed up to be a magical girl."
"Which type?" the woman asked curiously.
"Emotional, Will-based, I think," Jacob replied. "If memory serves, she should be getting empowered as soon as they finish with her modifications."
The woman smirked. "That is definitely a good choice for her. It might even allow us to use her services sooner than we could otherwise, depending on what choices she makes. I'll need to speak with a few people about the possibilities."
"Do you think she'll make a good troubleshooter?" another of the men asked.
"Possibly," Jacob replied. "I'm not sure if she'd be the most diplomatic choice, but once she has some experience under her belt and a decent swarm on hand, she should be a force to be reckoned with."
"And she would be a good choice for dealing with any insect related issues," 'Chairman Keel' added. "Do you foresee any issues with utilizing her in this fashion?"
Jacob nodded again. "As far as I can tell, she has two main motivations. Getting home to her father and becoming a hero. While we can probably play on her being a hero in some situations, I doubt she would be interested until she has at least gotten back to her father."
"That is reasonable," the hook-nosed man said. "Everyone needs some amount of downtime to decompress and reconnect with those they care about occasionally."
"Yes," Jacob's uncle agreed. "It would be best to wait until after she returns home before calling on her for any specific tasks. Provided they don't also fall under her remit as a magical girl as well, of course."
"On that note," Jacob interjected, "I was wondering if I could go on a vacation after this. Playing the jerk is always tiring, especially when I need to keep it up for years to build my cover, and I'd rather not be around now that Taylor's got access to a decent swarm."
"That is a reasonable concern," Jacob's uncle acknowledged. "We only have a few more questions before the meeting is over. After that, we will see about the details of your vacation."
"That's fine," Jacob replied with a sigh of relief. "Alright, shoot."
"Do you believe that she will be suitable for the position we have in mind for her?" 'Keel' asked.
Jacob shrugged. "You know a lot more about her than I do," he said offhandedly. "Pretty much anyone on our side would help stabilize the clusterfuck in that corner of the multiverse. That said, once she knows what's at stake, I think she'll do whatever she can to help. At the very least, I doubt she can make things any worse. And that was before she decided to become a Determinator."
"What do you think of her chances of recruiting others?" the woman asked.
"If the reports I've read about her world are accurate," Jacob began, "she shouldn't have any trouble getting people to sign up, just to get the hell out of there. It'll be more interesting to see how many she can convince to come back when they're done."
"That is a fair point," Jacob's uncle agreed. "Since we have finished our questions, I suppose it is time to move to the next matter at hand. Dewey, what type of vacation are you looking for?"
"Damn it, Uncle Humperdinck," Jacob whined. "Do you really need to use my first name? You know I don't like it."
"It's the name your mother gave you, so it's the name I'm going to use," Humperdinck snapped. "Now, answer the question." Both men ignored the snickers from the others in the room.
"Fine, fine," Jacob said. "First, I don't want to be anywhere near Taylor once she's out and about. She's mad at me for a damned good reason, and I don't want to be covered in bees. I don't care if they're stingless. Leave the Nicolas Cage impersonations for somebody else."
"That seems reasonable," the thin man noted.
Another shadowy figure sniggered. "No, not the bees! Not the bees! They're in my eyes!"
Rolling his eyes, Jacob continued. "Hell, it doesn't even need to be a real vacation. I just want to be somewhere where I can act like a normal, decent guy instead of being the biggest asshole I can and actually do some good… without needing to fix anything about wherever I am."
"You could always sign up for a run of your own," the woman suggested. "As Miss Matos said, it may give you a certain amount of respectability among other recruiters and contestants."
"And prevent me from working undercover ever again," Jacob noted.
"Not necessarily," Humperdinck mused. "How do you feel about transhumanism?
"That was fun!" Taylor declared as Cindy led her down the street.
Cindy shook her head. "I still don't know how you improved your aim so quickly."
"Oh, that was easy," Taylor replied. "All I needed to do was put two gnats on the gun and have another where I wanted to shoot. Then all I needed to do was line up all three and I could hit wherever I wanted, or at least close to it. Richard said my consistency will get better with practice. I still need to learn how to compensate for the recoil and how to not jerk the gun, after all."
"That's cheating!" Cindy declared.
"If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying hard enough," Taylor retorted. Looking around, she asked, "Where are we going, anyway?"
"Well, since you didn't pick New Identity, we like to do interviews before you go through any changes," Cindy explained. "Something of a before and after thing. So, we're heading to one of the studios. We've got a few people whose only job is to conduct entry and exit interviews."
Nervously, Taylor asked," What kind of questions would they be asking?"
Considering for a moment, Cindy replied, "Oh, you know, the basics. Favorite foods, favorite drinks, any hobbies, why you decided to join Slut Life, stuff like that."
"So I should tell them I was emotionally blackmailed by an asshole of a recruiter?" Taylor asked innocently.
Cindy winced. "We'd really rather you didn't. Granted, it'd probably get cut during editing, but they prefer to leave as much in as they can." Giving Taylor the puppy-dog-eye treatment, she requested, "Can you skip that bit and mention wanting to be a hero instead?"
Resisting the, admittedly compelling, pout, Taylor asked, "Why should I? It's what happened, after all."
Cindy shrugged. "I didn't think that would work. While you were practicing with those guns, I was talking to my boss. Apparently, the higher ups authorized me to offer you some compensation if you leave Tricher's part out of it. I'm not sure I would take it, but they told me to make the offer."
"So another bribe?" Taylor asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Is it anything good?"
"Possibly," Cindy replied. "I'm not a magical girl, so I can't be sure, but they said something about adding a bit of extra power to the ritual, which would enable you to get an extra tool out of it."
Taylor's eyes widened and she sucked in a breath in shock. "That's a pretty big deal," she stated. "Do you think I could get more out of them by refusing unless they give me more?"
Cindy shrugged. "I'm not sure. It might work, or they might decide to just cancel or pre-record the interview and cut out anything they don't like instead. As is, they should be sending it out live."
"Fine," Taylor decided. "I won't mention anything about Tricher."
Cindy gave Taylor a quick hug. "Thanks, that'll make things a lot easier around the office."
"You're welcome," Taylor said with a sigh. "Now come on, I want to get this over with before I change my mind."
"Good evening everyone, and welcome to another episode of Meet the Contestants!" the show's host, Vernon Gallagher, announced. "Today we have a very special contestant for you all to meet. Coming all the way from a mostly unexplored corner of the multiverse, we have Taylor Hebert, from Earth Bet!"
Amid raucous applause, and blushing furiously from the attention, Taylor made her way to the provided seat. Forcing herself to calm down, she sat and said, "Thank you for having me, Vernon."
"And thank you for coming," Vernon said cheerfully. "We always enjoy meeting the new contestants before they get started with their transition from civilian to celebrity. Your show is scheduled to begin in a few weeks, correct?"
"That's what they tell me," Taylor said. "Apparently, it depends on a few factors, but that's what they're trying for."
Vernon nodded. "Now, for our standard first question, why did you decide to become a contestant on Slut Life?"
Taylor and Cindy had discussed how to best answer this question while walking to the studio. "Well, my home is a bit of a shit hole… I can swear on air, right?" she asked.
"Go ahead," Vernon replied, waving off the concern. "You're a contestant on a sex-based reality show. It'll take more than a few bad words to bother our censors."
"Oh, good," Taylor said before continuing. "Anyway, Earth Bet has been going downhill for decades. We have more villains than heroes, with more appearing all the time. I've wanted to be a hero since I was a little girl, so when I was given the opportunity to become a better hero, how could I not take it?"
"Very civic minded of you," Vernon agreed. "Now, we'll come back to that and your plans for the show in a bit. First we'd like to get to know you a bit better."
"Sure," Taylor said gamely. "What would you like to know?"
"We have a standard list of questions that most people find interesting," Vernon explained. "Nothing too personal, mind you, just a few basic details. First, do you prefer tea, coffee, juice, or milk?"
"I typically prefer tea," Taylor began, "but it also depends on the time of day and the season. Juice is definitely better on a hot summer day, for instance."
"Do you have a favorite animal?"
"Not particularly," Taylor replied. "I like both cats and dogs, but spiders and insects have started to grow on me a bit. It probably has something to do with being able to control them."
"Can we have a demonstration?" Vernon asked curiously.
"Sure," Taylor said with a shrug. "Just… don't freak out, alright?"
"Liana, come watch this!" Meagan yelled without looking away from the screen in front of her.
"What is it?" the dark magical girl asked as she came up and looked over the other girl's shoulder. "Is that Taylor?"
"Yeah, she gave an interview earlier today," Meagan replied. "I thought you should see this part."
"Sure, what's it about?" Liana asked.
"About why you're going to be apologizing to the girl as soon as you can," Meagan said with finality. "And taking any punishment she decides to give you."
Liana blinked. "It can't be that bad," she commented. At Meagan's level look, she sighed. "Fine, I'll play it." Scooting around the chair and settling in Meagan's lap, Liana hit the button to begin the video. Twenty minutes later, after the video had finished, the magical girl gulped. "I definitely owe her an apology," Liana decided. "Though I think I'll wait until she's off planet before I give it."
"Fair enough," Meagan agreed.
After Taylor was safely back on the space station with her insects and a collection of new ones she'd picked up along the way, Cindy found herself back in Bob Ross's office to discuss the interview Taylor had had earlier in the day. For the first time in years, the live show had been cancelled halfway through, with an edited copy put out for broadcast shortly after the recording finished.
"They actually had to censor her?" Ross asked incredulously. "What did she say?"
Coughing into her fist to stall for a moment, Cindy answered, "Her insect demonstration was deemed too creepy for all viewers, so it was cut out of the aired interview. It's up on the website, though. That led to asking about how she got the ability to control them without being a psychic or magical girl."
"And that led to discussing Trigger Events?" Ross guessed.
"It did, including her own," Cindy replied. "Which, in turn, caused the show to go to a quick commercial break while they cleaned up Vernon Gallagher's vomit. They stopped broadcasting live after the second time. I'm not sure why they thought handing Taylor a pair of earplugs and a blindfold before showing footage of her in the locker was a good idea."
"Huh… I thought he had a stronger stomach than that," Ross mused.
"Just be glad they cut out any reactions from the audience," Cindy commented drolly. "We nearly had a stampede of people trying to make it to the bathroom in time." Shaking her head, Cindy continued, "That lead to more discussion about the state of her world, including the Endbringers. All in all, the studio decided they needed to cut a lot of the footage so it'd be suitable for general consumption. They did put the whole interview, including cleaning up the vomit, on the Slut Life website, though."
"Oh?" Ross asked, even as he started pulling up the page. "How's that going?"
"It's gone viral, what with it being something Slut Life deemed too extreme to show," Cindy said bluntly. "Apparently, it's become something of a challenge to watch the entire thing."
"That is a first," Ross agreed. "Let's see what the comment section says..." He skipped the video and started reading, gesturing for Cindy to come around so she could look as well. "If you don't cry, you're not human."
"I take offense to that. Just because I don't have tear ducts...," Cindy read. "Looks like it's from a naga."
"I'm a dragon, and I cried," Ross read.
"Oh, I recognize that username," Cindy declared. "That's Smaug."
"Isn't he going to be one of her owners?" Ross asked, despite having read the contract.
"Yes," Cindy replied. "I think there's a good chance he'll mother her after watching that."
"A dragon acting like a mother hen," Ross pondered. "That might be good for our ratings, just from the novelty of it."
"Probably," Cindy replied. "Moving on to the next one… the Crimson Fucker says 'This was HELLARIOUS!'"
"He would think that," Ross groaned.
"You know who he is?" Cindy asked.
"Unfortunately," Ross replied. "Don't worry about it. It's above your pay grade."
"If you say so," Cindy replied with a shrug. Looking at the screen, she read, "Looks like the Intergalactic Psychic's Association has released a statement that this 'Simurgh' or 'Ziz' is not a member, and that they'd never condone its apparent actions."
Ross nodded. "It makes sense that they'd want to distance themselves from that. I like the next one," Ross added. "It's not everyday you see a dark cult denounce something as an 'utterly depraved empowerment ritual.'"
Cindy looked at the time and winced. "While I'd love to sit here going through these all with you, I need to get going."
"That's fine," Ross replied. "It's enough to know that Miss Hebert is gaining quite a bit of respect just for surviving that hellhole. Have a good night."
"Thanks," Cindy said. "You too. Don't stay up too late looking at all the silly comments. And don't watch the interview before bed. Or right after you've eaten. You'll regret it if you do."
"I'll keep that mind," Ross called after his subordinate as she left. Turning back to his screen, he laughed at the next comment. Dethklok dubbed the interview 'Brutal.' He froze for a moment as a thought came to him, before he hurriedly worked to find a way to preemptively ban the heavy metal group from traveling to Earth Bet.
