1. For prospective new members, a word of warning: don't use common names like Dennis, Simon, or Kenny if you decide to create an account. Spammers have used them all before you and gotten those names flagged in the anti-spam databases. Your account registration will be rejected because of it.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Since it has happened MULTIPLE times now, I want to be very clear about this. You do not get to abandon an account and create a new one. You do not get to pass an account to someone else and create a new one. If you do so anyway, you will be banned for creating sockpuppets.
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If you wish to change your username, please ask via conversation to tehelgee instead of asking via my profile. I'd like to not clutter it up with such requests.
    Dismiss Notice
  4. Due to the actions of particularly persistent spammers and trolls, we will be banning disposable email addresses from today onward.
    Dismiss Notice
  5. Welcome back to QQ. The search function will be unavailable for some hours until the index has been rebuilt.
    Dismiss Notice

SHINOBI: The RPG - New Game

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Fulcon, Jun 17, 2020.

Loading...
  1. MasterMarx

    MasterMarx The Most Ridiculous Boss

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    1,740
    It's more... mystical martial arts, really.
     
    Relyt33 and Fulcon like this.
  2. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    That sounds like an interesting read. I'll check it out. :)

    Glad to be back. Ironically, with the impetus to get chapters out as quick is possible, I think I'll be better about updates. :D

    That's what I thought at first, but I wasn't entirely sure, so I asked for further clarification.
     
    Relyt33 and MasterMarx like this.
  3. asdo

    asdo Experienced.

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    2,689
    Likes Received:
    3,072
    more like it starts off mundane then becomes mystical. kind of like the gamer, imagine if he specced only into his dishwashing skill to the point that he cleaned fast enough to literal erase matter by grinding it down faster than the eye can see. basically like that except with martial arts and improving their bodies
     
    Relyt33 and Fulcon like this.
  4. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    Cool.

    So...can we start talking about the chapter now?
     
    Warer, Relyt33 and asdo like this.
  5. asdo

    asdo Experienced.

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    2,689
    Likes Received:
    3,072
    Sure, I wonder if Dai will learn how to craft so he can make his own stat increasing items, can't remember if that was a thing in fallout, or whichever fallout version you are using
     
    Warer, Relyt33 and Fulcon like this.
  6. GamertagzFTW

    GamertagzFTW Getting some practice in, huh?

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2020
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    15
    Godspeed you magnificent author!
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  7. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    It's a thing, but we're looking at it happening after Organ Trail.

    Thank you, I appreciate the compliment. :)
     
    Warer, Relyt33, MasterMarx and 2 others like this.
  8. asdo

    asdo Experienced.

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    2,689
    Likes Received:
    3,072
    oh yeah anyone figure out what happened here?

    "Directly behind us, a Nin was chasing after us, dodging and stepping around the snakes. But the second he stepped on the sewer cover, said sewer cover flipped open like a coin that had been tossed and the Shinobi disappeared."
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  9. makopaulo

    makopaulo Nice bakuretsu!

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2017
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    85
    A Manhole Cover no Jutsu, so powerful it atomises the target :p
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  10. Mastersenseinewby

    Mastersenseinewby Getting sticky.

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2017
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    51
    I think that is the only xianxia story i have read that the MC doesn't piss me
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  11. asdo

    asdo Experienced.

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    2,689
    Likes Received:
    3,072
    For me I assumed someone underneath just YEETED the ninja into space using the manhole as a lever
     
  12. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    I don't know, is there anything that lives in the sewers that we know of?
     
    MasterMarx likes this.
  13. asdo

    asdo Experienced.

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    2,689
    Likes Received:
    3,072
    Ninja Yeaters! They eat! They yeet! But most importantly, they YEET!

    edit: Basically they are Daisuke's Fast Travel System, a manhole in every location when discovered will YEET him to other locations!
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020
    Fulcon likes this.
  14. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Know what you're doing yet?

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    636
    Okay first, the food stuff was only supposed to be a support type thing. Something to keep people's attention, and prevent the impatience from mounting. It was just a cool idea to flavor the background that had in-thread applications. I suppose if I'm expected to make them more substantial I could bring in the other kid foodie choji, and his two friends for reaction shots. Actually.... That could be a good base to bring them in logically.

    If Daisuke starts feeling the loss with the planned falling out, he may seek new companions, and the laid back nature of Choji is the physical opposite of jealous Narutos issues. Same for Shika, and while Ino is a bit more high energy, canon shows she's willing to admit strength in others and be cool with it. Specifically calling team 7 the all-star team during Chunin exams. This was a means to an end, but now I think I've got something.

    Now on to the chapter itself.

    Don't think I didn't notice working in the food analogies as a form of foreshadowing. Nice.

    More importantly a BLUE jumpsuit with GOGGLES?! Fulcon you wouldn't happen to be actively trying to get him to look like kid Obito would you? Give Kakashi the seeing ghosts treatment? Because that's gonna happen at this rate.

    I love building Anko's social savvy, and Daisuke's awareness of it, hard and fast. Also love the actively helping her when possible. Makes the relationship build more steadily. Also less trust issues due to showing his oddities more freely early on. If he's really daring he can mention that the love for reading comes from the ability to efficiently turn knowledge into combat skill, and that reading is the safest way for him to get stronger quickly. There's a REASON he spent as much time as physically possible in the library, and it's not just because he was avoiding his meaner classmates.

    Also if she starts feeling inadequate again you can easily point out that anyone she dealt with would not only mean more enemy combatants for him, but also more AT ONCE. As I understand it she killed more than two, and all of them were gunning for him. She helped, and not a little.

    I also worry about how Naruto's more resentful side here will effect Hinata during this point in the timeline. In canon she spied on him on the regular, and nursed a crush, because she liked what she saw, but was breathtakingly shy. This Naruto is different, and it may change some trajectories.
     
  15. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    And I appreciate it but I didn't understand it wasn't specifically for threadmarking purposes. I understand better now. :)

    Ooh, that's a great idea, actually.

    Wasn't intentional, but that's fun idea to think about now. Thanks! Have a cookie.

    Fun piece of trivia: Team 13's colors are based on the traditional colors of video game characters when split-screen is involved. Player 1, Hisako, is red. Player 2, Daisuke, is blue. Player 3, Nichiren, is yellow. And Kakashi, player 4, is green.

    Totally intentional and it still makes me smile thinking about that symmetry. :D

    *nods and takes notes*

    Thank you, have a cookie. :D

    Great point! Though I'm not sure Anko is going to be feeling inadequate this time due to how I want things to go in the future. Still, it's good to keep in mind.

    Almost like its a good window to get Hinata in the harem...
     
    Wentley likes this.
  16. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Know what you're doing yet?

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    636
    When I said feeling inadequate I meant all the talk of failure, and asking if he even needed a body guard. Mistakes don't negate the good work that was done, and reasonable people don't want to test the consequences of five or more Jonin level combatants working together on one opponent. That shit would've easily been the highest chance of death of anything he's had so far.
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  17. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    Ah, I see. Good point, good point. *nods*
     
  18. Hyperluminary

    Hyperluminary Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?

    Joined:
    May 10, 2019
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    I feel like the Cradle series, by Will Wight, is another good example.

    Also, I am really enjoying the rewrite of this. I enjoyed the prior version a lot, but this is definitely making some good changes and improvements. I really enjoy Daisuke being willing to lean more on equipment, and not trying to speed-run his life at the cost of actually living it. That said, I am rooting for Ino over Anko in this version, with the assumption that things in the story don't change to the point that it isn't a thing anymore.
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  19. Kejmur

    Kejmur Versed in the lewd.

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2018
    Messages:
    1,168
    Likes Received:
    4,784
    There are a dog and cat ninja clans, summoning style. A group of random crocodiles that move between villages, and live in sewers, while chill out there amuse me alot.

    I'm also curious how it would affect Ayame. She liked them both, and she will notice that they both start to move from each other. If there is anyone who can keep this together, it's her.

    Team 10 sounds like a good option here indeed. Also a very convinient way to introduce Ino here, and possibly start to build some relationship here.

    If fillers are a thing, meeting with Yakumo Kurama may work?

    I think if you aim for your own style of Gamer story, you would make it work. With your own unique mechanic. Because oh boy, I want to eyeroll every single time I see yet another gamer with 'The Gamer' mechanics, when you are one of the VERY few people that actually use a different gamer system.

    I think going for our modern world, with fantasy elements (like with elves, dwarfs, etc.) would work just fine. I just feel there is so many fantasy based stories these days, mostly because of so damn many isekai stories in Japan these days x_X.

    In overall whole Anko-Daisuke relationship here so far feel far more organic, and realistic. It starts slowly, and so far there is a good base for potential future relationship, as I suspect this is what you aim for long term. Although you already apply good amount of changes, so if this changes, and they don't end up in serious relationship it wouldn't shock me?

    Also I suspect that you hint that no one wants Anko, because I suspect whole 'student of a traitor Orochimaru' thing. It's fanon. Pretty sensible fanon, but it is one. As there is no direct evidence on her being Orochimaru's student to affect her social status in the village. Although as I mentioned before - there is hardly lots of information on Anko, so you need to build some things from the scratch.

    I always like very rare directions where Hinata doesn't end up with Naruto. It's always different. And I'm not a fan of canon relationship anyway, especially when you learn about Boruto, and how she pretty much did nothing to stop that resentment between Boruto and Naruto. She's kind of... passive, like someone who never had a big dream of being something more than being a housewife of her Naruto-kun.

    If this happens, I hope it changes, and she becomes more active, and mostly assertive far more earlier. And when it happened in canon (with Pein), later on she regresses anyway. It annoyed me personally.

    But I'm curious how it would go, if Hinata does loose her crush on Naruto, and confronts potential bethrothal issues with Hyuuga. Because in the end, as sad as this is, some stories do not have happy end. And butterflies may have bad consequences. Although if they decide she is a 'failure' and bethrothal with Daisuke may at least make her 'useful'... than who knows.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020
    Wentley and Fulcon like this.
  20. GamingPizza1998

    GamingPizza1998 Verified Pizza

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2019
    Messages:
    202
    Likes Received:
    1,426
    Damn son 11 levels of exp for one quest, did the Spiffing Brit give Daisake some tips?
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  21. makopaulo

    makopaulo Nice bakuretsu!

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2017
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    85
    If it's fishmen, i thought it was too obvious to merit mentioning.
     
  22. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Know what you're doing yet?

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    636
    I mean.... Learning about the curse seal on the branch Hyuuga's is inevitable. It's only a matter of time for it to come to Daisuke's attention, and that shit just will NOT fly to a person with modern sensibilities, and the fuinjutsu to fix it.

    That that is getting resolved is inevitable. When and how are the questions. One thing I WILL say with confidence is if the trait of being reluctant to bring younglings into the relationship from the last version stands, bringing in a youngling who is being used as political leverage, and may not be acting on their own will would basically square or possibly cube Daisuke's squick reaction. Yes I feel exponents are appropriate.
     
  23. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    Not quite, but I always thought Maito Gai's turtle summons would do well if Team Gai ever had to go to the sewers.

    Great point! Ayame would take objection to the two friends drifting apart.

    We'll see on Team 10. I don't see a reason to introduce them before I did in the previous draft but things can change.

    If there was a girl that would actually intimidate Daisuke, it's that one. Genjutsu freaks him out.

    True, I have thought about making my own game system story thing.

    ...but then I think about SHINOBI and how I desperately need to finish it first.

    Interesting take, and I'm glad to see people are actually calling the relationship organic and realistic. That makes me happy.

    Alright, some spoilers on Anko.

    It's not that people don't want her. She's a recovering Nymphomaniac, a condition that developed as a result of her severe abandonment issues and being used as Orochimaru's guinea pig. As a result of these issues, Anko has unintentionally wrecked a lot of relationships, some very, very good ones and she's very bitter about it. She also has this perception that the men she's attracted too only see her as a fun bedroom toy to be used and then discarded when she stops being fun. The sad part is that she's dated a few men just like this which just makes her neurosis worse. The stigma of being attached to a traitor also negatively affects her ability secure commitment but not nearly as much as she thinks. Now, she is on the road to recovery and is a lot better at 23 than she was at 18, which is when she started her recovery, but she still has issues.

    My Mom was a stay at home mom, so I don't feel like being a stay at home parent (of either gender) is something you shouldn't aspire to if you think that'll make you happy. But in my opinion, Hinata's passiveness makes her a bad parent because she doesn't take any initiative in raising her (and Naruto's) children.

    I do like a confident Hinata, even if she'd rather take a passive role, she won't shirk from a job if she needs to do it.

    Such a thing would make Daisuke sick.

    Shhhhhhh some people might not get it. :p

    Have a cookie.

    It'll be Disgust4.

    EDIT:

    Fixed.
     
    Relyt33, Wentley and Kejmur like this.
  24. asdo

    asdo Experienced.

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    2,689
    Likes Received:
    3,072
    I find my idea that a enemy accidentally triggered Daisuke's fast travel YEETing system much more amusing :p

    Also Waifu List
    Shizune
    Ayame
    Kurotsuchi
    Hanabi
    Anko
    Samui
    Yugito
    Fuu
     
    Fulcon likes this.
  25. Kejmur

    Kejmur Versed in the lewd.

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2018
    Messages:
    1,168
    Likes Received:
    4,784
    Yep, although some plot change here would be interesting.

    Pretty much most likely scenario, if Hinata starts moving away from Naruto. Sadly. But well... Daisuke will become a very big FuinJutsu savant in the future, so this is at best short-medium term problem. Unless he simply doesn't have time to deal with this (which may be a thing), and it ends up with political hostage situation, before he is ready.

    Although if Daisuke decides that whole clan deserves to have their seals all removed at once... this may end up bloody. And for lots of good reasons. Maybe if EVERYONE in their clan carried this seal, it would be somewhat possible to explain. The way it is? Yeah...

    Well, it also works as a joke to be fair :p.

    We'll see if this is enough. Because well... sometimes simply you don't succeed. It would be a shame, but I feel like the way you explained it before chapter makes sense, with all those changes you applied so far. Also I like how you present Naruto as that guy with clear flaws, and not a full victim like this fandom loves to do.

    In the end, the way someone present failures, is also a sign of a good story IMO.

    Team 9 could also be an interesting dynamic. Lee would simply be happy to have a rival, but I think he would be... resentful inside as well that there is someone who can get strong without training, which would be really weird for him. Neji in fact ironically could be... most pleasant company, as he would declare Daisuke as 'fated to be strong'. And TenTen is... herself, but I think as long as he is polite, she would be fine with the guy.

    I just think who may be presented. Shiho from Cryptanalysis team, that is canon in Shippuden? There isn't alot of characters at this age bracket to show up really.

    Also sounds like a fun dynamic :p. For me as a reader.

    Ah, yeah, this makes sense. Ouch.

    Oh, if you are happy with it, it's perfectly fine. But I also know stories where those housewives suddenly end up in a divorce situation, which... made things really hard for them.

    Anyway it's all about her being passive as you said, and how her character in the end is flanderized to being pretty much all about 'Naruto-kun'. Pein was such a good moment to turn it around, to reward her courage. And... it turned into nothing, to only return out of nowhere in the last chapter. WIthout good buildup. Yeah, there is that canon movie, but it doesn't convince me.

    I don't like Sakura, I REALLY don't, but this option has so much more build up in canon. If this ended up as canon, I would be in the end far more fine with it.

    As long as she is more active about it, I'm cool with it. But from the last story, Daisuke did train that generation, so something similar I suspect will happen here as well, which should help alot.

    Oh by our sensible modern standards this sucks. But in the end that society does follow up lots of feudal quasi-Japanese customs, so arranged marriages are perfectly acceptable for those people obviously. Now question is if Daisuke would accept it (and I think he would), mostly out of pity, which... doesn't sound good.

    But again, in canon none of them end up branded, so it may stay the same here. Maybe if Hinata improves far faster here, this whole mess may be avoided.

    Some of those in current political climate are literally impossible. But choices in overall pretty good. But well... it may always change.
     
    Relyt33 and Fulcon like this.
  26. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Know what you're doing yet?

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    636
    I want to point out that Hinata isn't naturally weak or untalented. She deliberately holds herself back in the arranged fights with Hanabi, because she KNOWS that if things progress normally her sister will be a branded branch member just as her uncle was. The fact that Hiashi either doesn't realize this is deliberate, or does and uses the sessions to heap abuse on his daughter for her defiance speaks.... poorly.... of his character.

    He's either a complete evolutionary dead end from an intelligence standpoint for thinking a small child stands a chance against a tween in a purely physical contest, or a deliberate abuser on levels mental, physical, and emotional.

    The point of all this? Hinata's passivity is actually a very well documented, and logical flaw. Standing there and taking it is a learned skill, and habit. She doesn't want to see anyone hurt, which is why she makes herself so vulnerable.
     
  27. Warer

    Warer Shadowstep12 Sleep fucking is impoilte

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2016
    Messages:
    140
    Likes Received:
    268
    What gamertagz said.
     
    Relyt33 and Fulcon like this.
  28. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    Yeah, removing the caged bird seal from Hinata would be one of Daisuke's top priorities in this situation. He does not like it at all.

    Well, if Daisuke had godlike power, it wouldn't be that big of a problem.

    But he doesn't have that right now, so it would be an interesting problem.

    Yeah, the odds are stacked against them right now. If they straight up needed each other, it would be easier to keep them together but as it stands...Ayame's got her work cut out for her.

    Thank you. Victim!Naruto is pretty annoying for me to read because they're whitewashing the character of his very obvious personality traits; it's like they aren't writing Naruto, they're writing the idealized Naruto.

    Thank you! :)

    I actually hadn't considered the dynamic to be like this, but you make a great point. Though perhaps Lee would succeed where Naruto fails (at first) and use Daisuke to improve his skills, personal distaste aside.

    I'll see what I can do.

    But I've also heard of the opposite situation where the husband finds out she's cheating on him, she files divorce papers and he loses half of everything he owns.

    Doesn't make the instances you're talking about any less sucky.

    ...divorce just sucks, man.

    Kishimoto, as a writer, perplexes me. I can't really say much more than that, though, I haven't read or seen Boruto.

    See, I like NaruSaku just because it makes more sense than NaruHina ever did, though the bleeding heart romantics would disagree.

    Doesn't mean it'd be a healthy relationship, though.

    Yeah and with his greater Charisma, it'll be much more effective too.

    I'd like to think they wouldn't get in bed together until something real's been sparked between them, if only because non-consensual (or rather apathetic consent in this case) is such a turn-off.

    Daisuke and Hinata wind up politically betrothed, it'll become one of Daisuke's life missions to end the Caged Bird Seal.

    There was a time when I believed that Hiashi was trying to spur Hinata out of her passivity. That he was trying to help in his own twisted way. That...doesn't hold up to logic, though.

    I'm going to go with deliberate abuser because crap. That's not good.

    Something for Daisuke to help out with.

    Thank you very much. :D
     
    TwistedJester, Warer and Relyt33 like this.
  29. Galacticplumber

    Galacticplumber Know what you're doing yet?

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    636
    I have yet another distinction to make. Naruto demonstrably IS a victim. Horrible things happen to him on regular basis where he is, if not innocent, then certainly not proportionately deserving of what he gets both in the grand scheme, and in terms of day to day interaction. This doesn't mean he never does wrong. It does, however, mean that such wrongs need to be looked at in terms of the various events that caused those flaws.
     
  30. Fulcon

    Fulcon Wim Hoff Method Initiate

    Joined:
    May 1, 2019
    Messages:
    401
    Likes Received:
    3,858
    Again, true. Naruto IS a victim, but he's not flawless - he doesn't help his situation at all by the way he acts, even if the way he acts is entirely understandable.

    It's not the pointing out that Naruto is a victim irritates me, it's brushing his mistakes under the rug that offends.
     
Loading...