My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

Author's Note: A "friend insert" is similar to a "self insert", except that the former has zero knowledge of the setting they're being oh so gracefully shoved into, unlike the latter. I have been inspired by the great work of BakaSmurf and luckychaos on SB, and NekoNekoBoy was more than wiling to jump on the pain fun train.

Now, before anyone comments on this story, remember: ANY AND ALL SPOILERS THAT AREN'T REVEALED IN-STORY YET MUST GO IN SPOILER BOXES. Neko has absolutely zero knowledge of the world he's in, and I intend to keep it that way. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Not that I expect many to know the source material (it's the PS3 version, btw). In that case, I hope it will be an exciting read for all who doesn't but are still interested.

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Chapter 1: Thunderstruck

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I woke up in the rain, which was funny considering when I went to bed last night I was pretty sure I had a roof over my head.

And didn’t have a bunch of dirty men in ragged clothes hold bows up to me, staring at me with what I could only assume was a shocked look on their faces. I can’t tell, you can barely see their faces through the grime and mud.

Seriously go take a bath or at least dump water on yourself.

With a slight groan I raised my right hand to my head only to realize that I was holding a crystal blue sword, perfectly showing my armored form in the reflection.

“...What.” I said flatly as I shook my head around, snapping myself out of the ‘Just Woken Up Haze’ and back into reality, or what I think is reality...

My eyes immediately snapped to my free hand. Let’s see... One, two, three, four, five, yep I was awake.

“What the actual hell?” I mumbled as the world seemed to remind me of a couple of facts.

One, it was storming. Two, I was in armour with a sword while also having no idea how I got them, or here in general. And three... I wasn’t alone.

"...Who's there?" A voice, a guy I think, said from behind me. Turning my head a bit I came face to face to... a bunch of Japanese Samurai? Uh, am I missing something? I’m probably missing something because seriously, what the hell?

"Wait... He came from the heavens?" Another of them exclaimed, with what I can only describe as awe worming its way up his face. Or what I could see of it. His helmet got in the way of most of it but he just radiated ‘Slackjawed Sucker’ even though he was like, totally wrong last time I checked.

Unless of course a God would come and prove me wrong any second now. Really? No takers? I have a sword and could use a little... practice.

"The heavens...” This time it’s a girl. A miko to be precise, if my knowledge of anime was being correct and I wasn’t just appropriating an entire culture. Or something, is that how you use that word? Appropriating? Fuck me I’ll just roll with it. “A Servant of... Heaven?"

“...Am I.” I replied back, taking her in a bit more. The first thing I noticed, besides the weird blue gems all over her red and white and probably shrine outfit was that she was carrying a stick with golden things and... no wait, that really is the best way to describe it. What the hell do you even do with that? “You think so?”

“Yes... Yes Lady Himiko!”

“Truly, a Servant of Heaven!”

“Oh... The heavens have sided with us! Our flag bears victory!” Miss Fancy Stick Lady exclaimed. “Push those bandits back, and show them what the Himiko Army is made of!”

“Okay so that’s a yes then.” I nodded. Uh, right well, what did they want me to do? Oh yeah, Bandit Attack or something. Wait how do I go about that?

The answer hit me. It was blindingly obvious and I can’t believe I didn’t think of this immediately.

Hire a Samurai.

“Uh okay, Charge.” I declared, pointing my sword at what are presumably bandits and not just angry poor people. I had no idea what the actual fuck was going on but fuck it, why not. I’ll figure this all out later.

“You heard him! The Servant of Heaven will protect us!” The girl shouted. “This is our chance! Fight back everyone! Let’s destroy those bandits!”

Aw crap I was actually going to have to jump in there and I had no idea how to fight with a sword. A small amount of fight training yes, guess I’ll just have to approximate boxing with sword fighting.

The bandits’ reaction was slow, as if they didn’t expected their target to fight back at all. Or maybe it was the whole ‘Servant of Heaven’ bit, that would throw anyone off. Only when my hired goo- I mean, the Samurai Army charge with a war cry did they finally react, the stunned archers hurrying to the rear of their group while their place was taken by men wielding cheap-looking spears, pitchforks and... farming sickles. Great job guys. A few of them also wielded katana, something they most likely scavenged from a battlefield if the rust wasn’t-

Hah! Holy shit some of them are even broken! What are they gonna do, shank us in the middle of the battlefield? Wait I take that back don’t listen to me keep doing what you’re doing.

To say the next few minutes were chaos would be the understatement of the goddamn century. Not knowing what the hell I was doing and mostly on the fast track to getting killed, I ran in with the shrine maiden army and went with what was clearly the best plan ever: swing my sword at anyone in front of me.

“Curse you!” One of the bandits yell as he fell in a pool of blood. I didn’t have any time to process that before I had to slip to the side as a spear was aimed where I was just standing. My hands moved before I even realized what I was doing and soon another body fell to the floor with a scream.

Oh...

Okay so not the best plan. Oh good lord his organs are spilling out- NO TIME TO PROCESS THAT FUCKING SHANKERS!

====

It was only when their numbers were reduced to a quarter of their initial group that the bandits finally took the hint things were not going in their favor and began to rout, their formation breaking apart as everyone ran away by themselves. Most sought refuge in the forest, while a few others took the road in the opposite direction from where they came from.

“Phew...! I think we’re good for now. I thought we might not make it...” The girl then addressed me, looking a bit embarrassed. Or was it shyness? I couldn’t be assed to tell. “Um... I don’t know your name, Servant of Heaven, but thank you for rescuing us!”

...I looked at the scene of battle once again, a carnage of corpses lying on the floor while the feeling of death suffocated the air. It was a sight I never thought I’d see in my life, being a first world person and all. Yet here I was, bloody sword in hand, slightly injured, and having just killed more people than I ever thought I would.

And strangely, it didn’t feel real. More like the tragedies you hear on the news or in history, events that happened but you’ll never know the full terror and sadness of what actually went down.

“...You don’t need to thank me.” I sighed, shaking my head. “I didn’t do anything, you managed to do this by yourselves.”

“No, we would have surely lost, or worse, if it wasn’t for you!” She shakes her head. “You are most definitely a Servant of Heaven! You descended from the sky and saved us. I’ll never forget that brilliant light...”

“Brilliant light?” I mumbled. “I uh, I... Don’t remember that.”

Okay no seriously how did I get here? Did some god just stumble across my sleeping form and thought “Hey, you know what would be funny?” before dumping me here? Because if so... that God can get fucked.

“Okay so- but no, seriously, where am I?” I asked the miko.

“What? You don’t remember?” She made a shocked face indicating I probably fucked up. “Those bandits were like ‘Ah ah! I have you now my pretty!’. Then they shot their arrows at us and I was like ‘Oh no! I’m going to die! Someone save me!’. But before the arrows hit there was a great flash of light from the heavens, and when I opened my eyes all the arrows missed and you were standing in front of me with your beautiful sword drawn, as if saying ‘Begone foul cretins! You shall not pass!’, and it was so heroic and amazing!“

She said all of that without pausing even once holy shit don’t you need to like, breath?

“That... Is not what I remember at all but uh, thanks for the recap.” How the hell do you even follow up to that? “I meant like, where am I and who are you people?”

“Oh, my apologies. Allow me to introduce myself.” She bowed. “I am Himiko, Queen of Yamatai - a part of Zipang. I don’t know your name: could you be so kind as to tell me what it might be?”

Well she went formal super quick. Now let’s see name name name... Should I just go with my screen name?

No wait that’s stupid. Think think think...

“You can call me, uh Chen...” FUCK I NEED A LAST NAME- “Miyafuji.”

Fuck me, at least I didn’t go with Takamachi. I guess I was now a mixture between Touhou and Strike Witches. Goddammit I haven’t even seen Strike Witches!

“Ah, what a wonderful name.” No it’s not. “Chen-sama, I will never forget this debt. I owe you my life and those of my soldiers. I wish for you to heal your wounds in my country. Let me know if there is anything at all I can do for you.”

“Well, I have no idea where I am so... I guess I’m following you?” I shrugged. “I mean, why not.”

“He accepted! Yes! The first step was a success!” She exclaimed, as if she had a thought without realizing she also spoke it loud.

“Lady Himiko? Servant of Heaven?” A soldier approached. “Forgive the interruption, but it would be best to keep moving and leave this area. Yamatai’s border is not far from here, and the wounded need both rest and a cover from the rain.”

“Aah! You’re right! I’m sorry Chen-sama, but can we resume our conversation another time? Don’t worry, Yamatai is a wonderful country. You will love it! No, you will definitely love it!”

...I’m starting to get the terrible feeling I’m in a trashy light novel.

====

Okay so fair note of warning if you ever find yourself in this odd scenario: you’re still living in real time and apparently no one’s heard of rain cover (I know it’s not viable for what might actually be a goddamn samurai troop but come on) so you might end up like me and spend the next three hours walking in the goddamn Rain.

So maybe it might have been dramatic when I first arrived, or something, I couldn’t exactly watch myself ‘descend from heaven’ but it’s been so goddamn long since I started walking that it should’ve at least cleared up by now. I was in Zipang, wherever the hell that was (probably Japan), not the UK.

Still, with nothing else to do and apparently not receiving a divine iPhone for music, the best I could do for entertainment was talk to Himiko.

That might not have been the best idea.

“Ah! Chen-sama wants to resume our talk? I wished for it to happen soon, but I didn’t think it would be so soon!” She seemed to be in a bit of panic. “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out. You can do it Himiko! I believe in you!” After finishing to cheer herself Himiko gave me a radiant smile. “What would you like to talk about Chen-sama? Ah, maybe you would like to hear what a great country Yamatai is, and why you should settle there?!”

“You are... very enthusiastic about me.” I replied, a little unnerved. “And can you stop calling me -sama? Because while the whole respecting thing is fine, I’m fine if you just casually call me Chen.”

Besides the fact that I don’t do this whole honorific thing.

“So bold! I-I don’t think my heart is ready for this!” She blushed. “T-Then... would it be okay if I call you Onii-san? We seem to be the same age, and I always wondered what it would be like to have a sibling...”

“You know what?” I sighed, putting a hand on my forehead. “Just go ahead. ...Wait how old are you?”

She told me and it turns out she was around my age. "Same here. But my birthday was eight months ago, so that probably makes me older. I think.”

She seemed pleased at my words. “So, what would you like to ask me?”

“Er, uh, nothing much.” What to do... “I literally know like, nothing about where we are. Names like Yamai and Zipang are completely unfamiliar to me.”

“Yamatai. It’s Yamatai.” She gently corrected me. “Uhm, I suppose that, since you came from the heavens, it is unreasonable to expect you know everything. Zipang is the name of this country. It was unified in the past, but due to some things happening it is now split into three city-states: Yamatai, Kyoto and Edo.”

“Okay so those last two names I recognize and- Oh.” My eyes widened as something clicked in my head. “This is Sengoku Jidai. Probably.”

“Age of Warring States? Is that how people from the heavens call this world? It fits, I suppose.” She perked up. “As you guessed, not just Zipang but the whole world is at war right now. Battles are taking place everywhere, and there’s no end in sight. But! That’s when my grand plan for world conquest comes into play!”

“World Conquest...” Okay so it’s Sengoku Jidai v.World War, what the fuck. “And that plan is?”

I swear if she says something like “Hit them till they die.” I’m... Well I don’t know what I’m going to do but it’ll be something.

“Eh eh! Be in awe of my strategic genius!” Her grin turned very bright. “In order to bring order to this world we need a strong leader to unify it. A supreme commander to bring an end to all those wars. Yes...” She put a hand over her chest. “Someone like me! Someone with the power of divination that runs in the family! Someone loved by all of Yamatai! Someone who oozes with charisma! There is none but I who will bring an end to those turbulent times! And even if there were, they are to be ignored completely!”

She then actually stopped and, standing on the tip of her heels, thrust a fist in the air. “Vote Himiko of Yamatai, everyone of the world! Himiko of Yamatai, ladies and gentlemen!”

The soldiers around the two of us made a face as if they have heard the same thing many times, and while it was still endearing it was also getting old.

“...Was there an actual plan in there?” I asked one of the soldiers next to us. “I don’t think there was.”

“Lady Himiko has her heart in the right place, but she isn’t very skilled as a commander. In truth, she’s downright incompetent.” One of them replied like he was talking about the weather. Himiko jerked as if stabbed through the heart. “Case in point, we were returning to Yamatai after being defeated once again by Oda Nobunaga of Edo when the bandits ambushed us. That was our first victory in a while.”

“T-This is just a minor setback!” Himiko protested.

“That’s what you said the last seven times, Lady Himiko.”

“Uwah... I want to cry...”

“I mean to be fair, that’s Oda Nobunaga.” I retorted, trying to remember history I learned like, two weeks ago. “Totally over the top at times but someone who tends to get the job done. Until betrayal shows up but still, gets the job done.”

“How come you know about that gorilla woman but not me? D-Don’t tell, she’s famous even among the people of heaven?! Not fair! That’s not fair! I’m, like, 200% cuter! So why is she famous and I’m not?! Damn iiiiiit!!” Himiko was truly crying now. Or maybe it was the rain.

What a terrible day for rain.

...Wait what was that about Gorilla Women?

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Notes:

Neko: Uh...

Alex: You will have your Genki Girl and you will like it.

 

Chapter 2: Bowling For Soup

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Hilariously considering the situation, when I first got my glimpse of Yamatai it wasn’t in some bright sunlight, actually it was dark and the clouds blocked even the moon from shining upon the capital city. No, my first impression of Yamatai was pretty simple.

It was... Kind of dull? I mean, I get that I couldn’t see most of it due to the fact that there was barely any light but all the buildings were wooden structures in some semblance of organization. It compared nothing to the modern cities I’ve seen, the shit load of monuments in Washington D.C., the cramped streets of New York, or even Tokyo itself.

So I guess it wasn’t any surprise that when they showed me my room I just crashed on the bed and went back to sleep from all this crazy stuff. Unfortunately even the lull of sleep couldn’t keep me hazed for long and soon it was morning, and as I opened my eyes I was starkly reminded that yesterday apparently had happened and yes, I had just become either a mass murderer (Though now I could barely remember the slaughter) or some stupid light novel protagonist.

Probably a mix of both. Be honest with yourself me, is there really a difference?

“First impressions are the most important.” Suddenly I heard Himiko’s voice from the other side of the door. “He should be waking soon, so I’ll go in first and greet him...”

“But, Lady Himiko...” Another, older woman said. “You shouldn’t bite off more than you can chew...”

“I’m fine! I can handle a tray by myself. If I can win over his stomach, it’s as good as our victory. And beside, you were the ones who said that men appreciate women who take care of their needs. We can’t let the Servant of Heaven get away. I’ll make a good impression on him and steer matters to our favor!”

I felt a sudden sense of dread come through me as I looked around the traditional japanese room they had given me, trying to see if there was another exit I could sneak out of before my stomach and probably Himiko’s feelings come hurling out. Stupid Gag reflex...

...Well, fuck me.

“Ah, umm... Ahem. Excuse me.” The door opened and Himiko stepped in, holding a tray filled with Japanese-looking food and moving very slowly. When she saw me she smiled brightly. “Good morning Onii-san! Did you sleep well? You must be famished. Would you like breakfast?”

“Already?” I asked, trying to hide my growing nervousness. “I uh, woke up just a moment ago!”

“That's right! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! If you eat good food you're sure to start the day with a good mood. And as they say, the first step is the more important. That means you’ll fail at life unless you eat tasty things!”

Smiling like she just said something very wise Himiko, still slowly, set the tray next to my futon.

Rice, Strawberries (What the hell?), Salmon, Miso Soup... I’m fairly certain I could only get the first one on that list down my throat. How the hell am I going to get out of thi- Oh. Oh!

“Ah, sorry but I don’t know how to use chopsticks.” My asian ancestors are ashamed! Sorry but it’s just easier to stab something with a fork! “We use something else where I’m from.”

Contrary to my expectations Himiko’s smile turned even sharper. “That’s not a problem at all! Rather, it’s perfect!” Sitting with her legs under her thighs in typical Japanese fashion she took the chopsticks and picked up a good amount of rice before bringing it close to my mouth. “Say aaah~”

And then the rice fell on my lap.

...Okay I should’ve seen what she would do but uh, it’s starting to get kind of awkward in here as silence consumes us both, the rice having mastered the skill at mood breaking to my immense gratitude.

“Well, um, Rice is probably hard to keep ahold of? With you know all the grains?” My stupid mouth comforted as I scooted away from the frozen expression on Himiko’s face. “And I, don’t... really feel comfortable with someone feeding me all of a sudden?”

Even I could get the hint on what she felt about me if she did something like that. Wait that makes me sound dense, uh...

I glanced at the older women still standing at the door, ‘help me’ beaming straight from my eyes as she quickly tiptoed away from the room.

Oh no.

“Uwaaah! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!” Himiko bowed, her head narrowly missing knocking over the tray. Realizing her almost-mistake she lifted her head and took a deep breath to calm herself. “To even forgive my clumsiness... You're so kind. Are all servants of heavens as kind as you, Onii-san?”

“Uh, I don’t know.” I answered honestly. “Really don’t.”

Really, I do have an answer if someone asked about heaven but I really don’t want to see what happens when I say it.

Himiko began to mutter something under her breath, too low for me to hear, before asking with some hesitation. “Uhm, Onii-san! I’d like to have a talk with you. Do you have time?”

I sort of just stared blankly at Himiko before sighing. “I don’t even know the time. So uh, sure?”

I just said those words when suddenly the distance between me and Himiko halved. Also, in her hands were a piece of paper and brush I was sure weren’t there a moment ago.

“Onii-san! Please apply for residence here on Yamatai! We’ll make sure everything is perfect! Our country is a small, dedicated team of experts but we welcome those with no experience! We’re like a big family, and our country is going to expand rapidly in the coming months!” She explained like a seasoned salesman.

“...Are you offering me citizenship or a job offer?” I let out, trying my best not to laugh out loud. “You imply the former but you make it sound way more like the latter.”

“It’s the same thing! And if you act now you’ll get three meals, plus snacks! We’ll even thrown in a free hedge trimmer! In this wonderful country, you’re rewarded the more effort you put in! You’re sure to like it here!”

She literally thrusted the piece of paper in my face and the brush in my hand. “So, So! What are you waiting for? Just sign here. That’s it, that’s all you need to do...”

Oi oi! Why are you looking at me like that?! I didn’t even know that kind of look was humanly possible so down girl down!

And what would I do with a hedge trimmer!?

“I think it’s about time I stop you.” Someone, an older female by the mature voice, said before stepping inside the room and lifting up Himiko by the neck of her robes like a cat.

Golden armor adorned her figure and she’d probably look a lot nicer if she didn't have a fiery frown on her face with the eyes to match. Still, she radiated an aura of unrelenting force which would probably cause a lesser man to piss his pants in fear and while I wasn't a lesser man (barely, I could at least control my bladder), she managed to make my hair stand on end.

Of course what I was focused on was much more noticeable: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS THAT NATURAL PURPLE HAIR?!

“W-Who is it? Don’t just grab me like a cat!”

“Calm down or you’ll-” Her grip slipped and Himiko fell on her butt. “-fall. Guess it’s too late for that.”

“Ow, my behind... Unnh...”

“Looks like your plan to win over the Servant of Heaven didn’t work, Himiko. The handmaids were laughing.”

“Ughhh!” Don’t tell me that!” Himiko began to thump her tiny fists against the woman’s back.

“Ah, what a nice massage.” She said without a ounce of sarcasm, her frown changing into a small smile.

“Are you saying I’m weak!? I was able to do a pushup recently, you know!”

“Pfft.” I couldn't help it, something escaped out of my mouth. “Just one push up?”

“It’s not like she’s that weak, just that lazy.” The woman replied, much to Himiko’s chagrin. Then she looked at me, her expression neutral but not hostile. “It looks like you have some questions on your mind, Servant of Heaven. Feel free to voice them.”

“Not really, just wondering who you are.” I shrugged, “I’m not really confused on much to be honest. Or at least, so far there’s nothing to be confused about.”

“My apologies, I forgot. My name is Yamato Takeru. I used to be called Zipang’s strongest warrior, but now I’ve retired to Yamatai.”

Yamato Yamato Yamato... For some reason that named sounded familiar but my spotty knowledge of Sengoku Jidai didn't really help. Er, if this really is that period than maybe someone from Rance?

Suddenly a certain image of a black haired archer appeared in my head before I pushed it away. Nah, if I were to compare her to Rance characters she looked way more like that chick you got at the beginning of the game. A bit too similar really, but fuck me if I could remember her name.

Anyways brain, this is Yamato. Piss her off and she’ll most likely rip out your spine and shove it down your throat.

“You barely touched your food.” Yamato noted. “Well, thanks to a certain someone it’s to be expected. Would you like to eat in peace? Or maybe the food is not to your liking?”

“Ah, well to be truthfully honest, looking at this plate I’m sure the only thing I could eat is the rice. My stomach is a bit weird see, and most foods tend to make my stomach churn and I generally can’t swallow it.” I admitted. “And well, I don’t know how to use chopsticks as we used something else where I’m from.”

“Ah, you must mean a fork. Pretty sure I saw a merchant selling them, it’s not big deal.” Yamato picked up Himiko again, ignoring the younger girl’s protests with ease. “We will go and buy some. Just tell the handmaids which food you can safely eat, they’ll prepare it for when we return.”

“Wait Takeru! Wait! My grand plan-” The door closed with a sharp ‘thud’.

Huh.

Surprisingly nice girl.

 

Chapter 3: Through The Fire And Flames

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Yamatai as it turns out, is... Well it’s an experience. Like I said earlier, and this is probably due to me being back before computers had been invented and steam sales had sucked all our lives away, Yamatai was for me a fairly unglamorous city that looked more like something a culture recreation group would put on than an actual culture.

Than again, that may or may not be due to the fact that all the buildings were still damp from rain and the ground was still muddy. I miss concrete.

Still, as I was guided by Yamato and Himiko throughout the city, I can safely say that I enjoyed my exploration of this “Thriving Capital”. It was mostly because of those two girls though, without them I’d probably end up just eventually walking around in circles as it slowly dawned on me that there was no internet and all the consequences therefore of.

Seriously you actually have to physically hand deliver or tell people messages without communication being instantaneous or over long distances!

...Joking I’m joking! Sheesh put the pitchforks down ya bunch of old timers!

I did learn a lot about the surrounding area though, like how our good friend (not) Nobunaga is a confirmed woman, people already know who I am, Himiko actually has shoddy future telling (I think), the market place is a bit odd but I can’t put my finger on what exactly is off, and apparently there’s going to be a feast later which means I’m going to have to face the chefs again. Ouch.

I think I heard something about tax reforms from Himiko but my eyes automatically glazed over once the words economy popped up so…

...Ahem, anyways. Soon the exploration was an end and I somehow found myself next to what was most definitely a training field for martial arts combat or something. People were training on it, I think, so that counts for something right?

“Hm. They’re training today, as always.” Yamato remarked with approval upon hearing the sound of weapons clashing against each other.

“Onii-san, you have learned sword-fighting, haven’t you? The way you wielded your sword when you saved me struck awe in everyone that saw it.”

Um, what the hell was she talking about?

“I... Actually no, I haven’t learned sword fighting.” I denied, before grabbing the crystal blue sword on my waist. “First time I used one actually. I just kind of... slashed at the fleshy bits and dodged whatever was coming at me.”

Not that I did it perfectly, I swear I’m going to kill every last person who legit uses a broken sword to shank people. Wait crap I can’t joke like that anymore.

...Fuck those guys.

“Eeeh? But you cut down those bandits, one after another, with skill that could only belong to a legendary warrior.” Himiko protested. I was starting to suspect she was less believing that herself and more trying to build me a reputation.

Or maybe she understood even less about sword-fighting than me.

“Himiko, stop pressuring him.” Yamato scolded her. “But now I’m curious.” With that said she started walking away, beckoning us to follow her.

“Where are you going? We still haven’t seen all of the capital...” Himiko called out to her.

“To the training grounds. I want to take a look at his ability.”

“Oh god.” I groaned before speeding up until I was by her side as we walked inside the training field. “You realize I was being 100% truthful when I said I had no sword training? The only ability you’ll see is me flailing my arms.”

“Honesty is a quality on itself. And if you really went through a battle with only those wounds, then you must have some talent.” Was her simple reply.

When those that were already training noticed us they started to whisper. “That’s the guy in the rumors...”

“He looks weaker than I thought. Is Himiko’s story really true?”

I just turned back and gave the guy who said that last line a gesture that could either range from “Wow rude” to “Are you actually trusting Himiko?”.

I mean, I am certainly no paragon of fitness, being your average skinny tall boy that you could probably find anywhere else but come on. From the little I’ve seen of the girl… she’s Himiko.

“Just think of them as pumpkins or something.” Yamato remarked. “Anyway, let’s see what you’ve got. Take a stance. Anything will do.”

I sighed, moving my legs until they were an equal distance apart with the right leg a little back before crouching down and- Is Yamato going to punch me in the face? I don’t think so but... I lowered my chin anyways and grabbed the hilt of my sword with my right hand.

Hey wait she wasn’t even looking at me! If you’re going to kick my ass then at least stop acting like you just figured out how the muscles in your fingers work!

“Huh. They’re still not fully recovered...” She muttered.

“Takeru, you aren’t going to fight, aren’t you...?” Himiko asked with a worried voice.

“It’s just training. Don’t get upset.” The older woman reassured her. “All right, let’s do this. I want to know your skills. For today, let’s exchange just one strike. Don’t hold back.”

“I don’t think I could if I want to get out of this not black and blue.”

And then Yamato’s glare turned dead serious. “...Come, flame that devours.”

You ever saw something that should be completely impossible? Something that defies all common sense as it seems like reality has just gone and decided to take a lunch break before procrastinating for the rest of the day and ending up in a restroom the next morning barfing out a hangover? Well that’s exactly how I felt as fire literally came out of nowhere and started to surround her.

“Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade...” She slowly drew her sword from the sheath, the flames gathering around the blade. “Here I come! Show me you can handle my ultimate technique! Tsumugari no Tachi!”

“...That is the chunniest shit!” I couldn’t help but blurt out as her flaming sword of ass-whooping started to swing towards me. Suddenly by instinct my body pulled out the sword from my waist and suddenly a loud clang rang throughout the training ground as I found myself parrying the blade. “And my instincts save the day!”

With most of my body strength I diverted the purple haired warrior’s sword to the side before a loud explosion rippled through my body as a fissure appeared in the ground where the blade struck. “...Did you want a sparring partner or did you just want to beat me up? I mean I suspected the latter from the beginning but still, it’s the principle of the matter!”

“Oh? Impressive.” Yamato’s voiced contained nothing but honest approval.

“Amazing Onii-san!” Himiko gushed. “Even if Takeru isn’t at full strength, it’s amazing you were able to match her sword!”

“You’re rough at the edges, but you’ve got potential. It’ll be worth training you.” Yamato said.

“Did you hear that? Takeru rarely acknowledges others’ ability like this. I knew you were special!”

“I don’t think I did anything speciaaaaaa-” I groaned out before my legs gave out from under me and I stabbed my sword in the ground to keep me up. My breath came out in pants as I stared back up at the two girls. “Wow, fuck, my energy is almost gone holy hell.”

“A-Are you okay!?” Himiko panicked. “I’ll go call a doctor right away, so stay put!”

“...Pff. Ahaha, ahahaha, ahahahahahaha!” By contrast Yamato started laughing. “You’re a funny boy! You showed off those incredible skills, and now you’re weak at the knees! Funny indeed! I like you!”

“Oh fuck off, incredible skills? You don’t need incredible skills to do that.” I groaned back, “And what kind of ultimate technique was that anyways?! You set your sword on fire and then swung it at me! That’s just melee combat 101 with an extra step!”

“I beg to differ: it takes a lot of skills to parry my sword, even as weakened as it was, without breaking your arms. Ah, but you may have a point about my ultimate technique being something basic.” She looked at her sword with fondness. “True, the full version took out entire regiments in the past, but it’s still just me swinging my sword with all my strength. Ahahaha! Yes, when you put it like that it is funny!”

How the hell does it even work anyways... Oh, an idea! “Have you considered putting in less strength but more slashes? It’d probably spread the damage into more areas than just ‘directly in front of me’.”

“You may be onto something here. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“It’s true what Lady Himiko was saying! He really is the Servant of Heaven!” One soldier exclaimed, making me aware the exchange has been witnessed by everyone present.

“I believed in her from the beginning! I saw him come down!” Another soldier added.

“Why you! Always full of lies! You didn’t believe her at first! Everyone! Let’s give a warm welcome to the Servant of Heaven!”

“Hey what are you doing?!” I exclaimed as a bunch of soldiers came running over to me, “AH! PUT ME DOWN GUYS PUT ME DOWN! WAIT NO DON’T THROW ME U- WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!”

“Don’t be a crybaby. They just want to welcome you, that’s all.” Yamato gently chided me, her voice barely heard over the crowd.

“YAMATO HELP ME GET THEM OFF ME OR SO HELP ME GOD THE NEXT THING THAT’S GOING TO BE SET ON FIRE IS YOU!!!”

====

Notes:

NNB: ‘Ultimate Technique’ eh?

Alex: She tried, okay?

 

Chapter 4: What is Love?

====

After escaping the dread soldier pile and vowing to set Yamato on fire, the three of us finally managed to leave by virtue of doctors and having to ‘prepare’ for the feast later on tonight, to which I’m sure they’re more than happy to attend. Luckily I got the okay from the doctors and a nap later I found that I could move around again without my legs turning into jelly.

My body is just really sore instead. Talk about a trade off.

“They don’t mean any harm. Please forgive them.” Himiko asked me.

“Ah no it’s fine.” I waved her off, sitting down on the ground with a deep breath. “I was mostly joking, except for the thing about setting Yamato on fire. She totally has that coming to her some day.”

“P-Please don’t! I know she can be kind of mean, but on fire she would totally be even worse!” She hastily begged with a bow. “You know, there were people who hadn’t seen your skills, so they were half in doubt. But after seeing that match, they all believed in you immediately. I’m a bit proud myself. But also... a little mad.”

“I’m joking about the Yamato thing.” I wasn’t, she nearly set me on fire. “But... Right, yeah. My ‘skill’. You know, I wasn't kidding when I said the first time I held a sword was when I met you.”

“That’s what make you so amazing Onii-san! I knew it from the beginning, but everyone else is far too late to notice.”

“To be truthfully honest though, I don’t think it’s something about me who is special.” Lines of script ran in my head before another sigh escaped my lips, “You mind if I go a bit weird for a few minutes? I have this whole speech that I made and I kinda want to use it because it’d make me sound cool in theory.”

“Certainly. Please do so, I’ll listen to anything you have to say.” Himiko fixed her sitting position and stared at me like a model student ready for class.

“Right, I’d like to ask you something first.” I took a deep breath. “Do you believe in Gravity?”

Internally I was cheering at managing to say that line with a straight face, now to keep it up for the rest of it.

“Gravity?” She blinked. “What’s that?”

“Its most common definition is, suffice to say, the weight of the world. The pressure that makes us fall down when we jump. It’s a bit more complicated than that but I’m referring to a sort of obscure meaning, one not commonly held but used nonetheless.” I tapped the side of my head. “In my use of Gravity, I am talking about it in its relation to Fate, the force that pulls us together and shows us the way to our destiny. The will of the heavens.”

I motioned to myself with both hands, “You call me the Servant of Heaven but in truth, I have not seen the divine with my own eyes. I do not have any divine ancestry, though you can make a claim for it, and I have never been anyone special before, just a normal guy.”

“And yet,” I paused before pulling up my finger and pointing it at her, “Here I am, having appeared in front of you in a bolt of lightning. Suddenly, I have armor and a sword made of crystal, the speed and strength to stand toe to toe for a few seconds with the ‘Strongest Warrior’, and even this language you and I are speaking? Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve never spoken it a day in my life if the rest of the signs match up.”

“Do you know what this means?!” I asked her, forcing as much passion in my voice as I could while throwing up my finger to the sky. “While I was certainly not anything special before I came here, the heavens must have surely bestowed upon me blessings and sent me here! So while I can not say that I am someone who has seen Heaven with my own eyes, is it not wrong to assume that I have been chosen to be it’s Servant?!”

And as quick as a flash I pulled out my sword and stabbed it into the ground with all might. “Then, if that is the case then so be it! I shall become the man who walks the path of Heaven!”

I panted as the energy from my speech left my body before taking a deep breath and blinking. “Oh wow yeah that did not go where I expected it to. I mean, I had like the barebones but that came out way more elegant than I thought it would be. I feel kind of pretentious.”

Before my breathing settled Himiko was already on her feet, clapping enthusiastically with stars in her eyes. “Amazing! Such a deep, passionate speech! You were like a great leader! No, you are a great leader! It’s surely as you said, the heavens must have chosen you to be their champion! And surely, you appearing before me wasn’t a coincidence either. Because...” She muttered something under her breath before facing me with a serious expression. “You see, I actually had a vision of the future.”

“If your next words are going to be I saw you in my heaven sent vision… Well I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’m going to do something.”

“Oh no, it’s not you I saw.” Her face was grim. “Terrible calamities falling upon the world, destroying it without a trace. That’s what I saw: I couldn’t make out the details, but I am certain the world will, in the future, face a grave threat. Before that happens, I need to unite this world as one. That’s why I need your help, Chen-oniisan. And if what you said is indeed true then, maybe... maybe the heavens answered my prayers...”

“...You know Himiko, I don’t doubt you. Really, someone in my situation literally can’t. But uh, well.” I struggled to put this into words. “Not to make light of Revelations coming true or something worse like Ragnarok but uh, that is... Kind of the most cliched lines I have ever heard? Do you even have cliches here? Sorry the whole thing when I’m not in ‘Path of Heaven’ mode which I’m now dubbing and am going to feel super embarrassed about later sounds like something out of a fairy tale.”

“Just kidding~!” Himiko suddenly said with her eyes closed and her tongue out. But despite her words just now, I had the feeling she just wanted to lighten the mood. “Anyway, tell me if there’s anything you need. I owe you my life, so I’ll do everything in my power to grant your wishes!”

“Alrighty then. Now that the topic is officially dead, let’s address the elephant in the room.” And oh boy was this going to be worse. Taking a deep breath, I felt butterflies start appearing in my stomach. “S-So uh, can you promise me that you won’t run away and that we can at least remain friends after this?”

“Of course! Nothing you say can upset me!” She replied with a smile.

“I’ll hold you to that.” I mumbled before I shakily put a hand on her shoulder, gathered all my confidence, before looking her straight in the eyes and speaking words which would probably change my life forever. “You... You like me don’t you? Not like like but like, romantically.”

There. I said it. The one thing I probably shouldn't have but I can’t just leave her there, floundering about!

An awkward moment of silence passed between us. The atmosphere thick as a knife as Himiko stared at me, a smile frozen on her face.

One minute passes. Two minutes. Then. uh, probably three before I started shaking her. “Hey, Himiko?”

No response.

“Himiko?!”

After shaking her a bit more furiously with nothing happening, it finally hit me as to what just occurred.

“Holy shit.” I breathed in awe. “She actually fainted.”

And then it also hit me that I had to lug around a passed-out queen for the next few minutes before eventually having to deal with this conversation again.

Just fucking great.

====

Today double post!

 

Chapter 5: Stairway to Heaven

====

It was a beautiful day outside.

The birds were singing, I was flying, and Yamato looked to be trying not to smirk as my body landed against the wall of the training field with a loud ‘thud’.

“Your stance is unstable! Restore your form with every swing and prepare for the next attack immediately!”

“Yes ma’am.” I groaned as I picked myself up and immediately shifted back into my boxing hybrid stance.

It had been two weeks since that time I talked with Himiko about that matter, and ever since then she seemed to be avoiding me slightly, working more on her paper work queenly duties, which was fair. It’s not that she held a grudge or anything, or even that she cares at all.

No. To my surprise, her mind actually erased any trace of the latter part of our conversation from her head. Yeah you heard me right, she doesn’t even remember me bringing it up and it’s all just subconscious.

I hadn’t even tried to bring up the subject again anyways, it’s like some sort of failsafe from the heavens in case I went off their shitty Isekai ‘script’ anyways isn’t it? I mean, I don’t suspect Himiko is a robot but really what the actual hell your mind can’t just erase memories for no reason…

...Ahem right. So with Himiko avoiding me, I ended up hanging out (read: getting my ass beat) by the only other person available. That is of course being, Yamato.

It’s been a mix between ‘Fun’ and ‘ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!’.

“Everyone’s wounds have healed, but now is the time we lie in wait! We must build up more strength! You are the keystones of our defense! Train hard, and become the foundation of Yamatai!” She told not only me, but everyone else that was training around us.

“You are especially fired up today.” I asked, putting my sword back in ready position. “Something good happen?”

“...It’s just a hunch.” She paused briefly, looking to the side and into the distance. “Himiko want to see both of us after training. She said she ‘saw’ something: you probably don’t know about it, but when her powers work it’s usually about something important.”

She shook her head before facing me again. “We’ll address that later. We’re not fully prepared, but our troops are on the path to recovery. Even I now can step on the battlefield, so there’s no excuse to slack off.”

“We’ve been doing this for like, two weeks. What do you mean slacking off?” I mumbled before shaking my head, “Guess we have to go another round then.”

Grk, that sounded a bit more wrong than I intended.

I don’t know if she noticed the innuendo, but she was more than happy to oblige me.

“Yamato Takeru! Here I come!” She kicked off the ground and shot at me, her sword coming up from her lower left.

“Why did you shout your name!” I exclaimed, shifting my upper to the right before using the accumulated force to take a swing at the purple haired warrior’s exposed chest. “I guess my name is Yamato now then.”

With an almost seamless movement the sword changed course upward and parried my blow. “I see your sense of humor is as sharp as ever.” She grinned before trying to tear my sword from my hands with a disarm, twisting her wrist so that my sword was in an awkward position. “It’s normal for warriors to shout on the battlefield, either to intimidate the opponent or give themselves courage.”

“Does that mean I can just call you whatever I want for the sake of the battle?” Hm how to get out of this... “Because I warn you I can get filthy when I put my mind to it.”

And then I twisted my upper body to the right again and used my free hand to jab her in the stomach.

Mexican Bodyshot. Always works (note: bot verified).

The blow connected, knocking the air out of her. But Yamato, being the experienced warrior she is (read: Old Lady), only seemed slightly put off balance. “Good move. Normally I would say ‘go ahead’ and use all the dirty tricks you can think of.” She unlocked our blades and, at the same time, slammed the hilt of her sword on the arm I used to punch her. “But, as you’re the Servant of Heaven, it would be appropriate for you to project a certain...decorum.”

She took a step back before lashing out with a low kick to my right knee. “You know, propaganda. I don’t write those things.”

“It’s not trying if you aren’t cheating!” I quoted as my arms moved up to a boxing stance and bent down to block the blow. Ouch fucking hell... Okay back to swordsmen mode. “And generally speaking, there’s no place for honor in warfare. Or at least back home there wasn’t. You ever heard of guerrilla warfare?”

“Ah, a pragmatic mindset. It’ll serve you well.” Resting the flat of her sword on her free palm she gave a quick look around, as if confirming nobody was listening, before continuing. “Thing is, you should always strive to follow honor when possible. Someone who cannot gain the respect of his enemies will never gain the respect of his own subordinates.”

“I mean, maybe? Ugh this is so weird...” I shook my head. “War has, uh, kind of changed back home. Guerilla Warfare is pretty much the standard and instead of facing each other head on we use projectile weaponry to hide around and shoot at each other and take the other guys out. Ya know, ‘cause technology has advanced pretty far there. So while honor may be important here, and we aren’t inhumane bastards by the way, pragmatism and practicality are pretty much the norm back home. Sorry if I’m touching some sort of clashing cultural values things.”

Yamato tilted her head, as if pondering on my words. “I see. The place you came from sounds indeed different. That’s to be expected I guess. I am not saying pragmatism and practicality don’t have a use... just that they’re not the only values out there.” She snorted. “So why don’t you try doing things the way we do here, and see which one you like best?”

“...Maybe.” I sighed. “Right, I guess I’ll try honor but if the things go and get tough don’t be surprised if something... happened to the enemy. Oh wow that sounded a bit better in my head, you want to go see what Himiko wants?”

“Don’t worry: you’re still young, it’s normal to have insecurities. Or speaking before fully thinking it out.” She quipped, sheathing her sword. “Yes, I believe it’s time.”

====

“A shadow looms over the capital.” Himiko began when the three of us are alone. “It went away before I was able to ‘see’ the outcome, but I believe bandits are coming. On a windy night, in number greater than ever before.”

“...Okay be honest, how long did you practice that for?” I immediately blurted out. “But uh, more bandits... where are they even coming from?”

“Onii-san! I’m serious!” Himiko insisted. “I’ve been unable to use my powers until now, but I was able to ‘see’ for the first time in a very long time. Maybe it’s because you’re here.”

“I doubt my presence has anything to do with it but who am I to judge bloodline divination?” I shrugged. “Seriously though, where are they even coming from? Like, does anyone here have any idea why there are so many bandits running around? Are they organized somewhere because this looks more to be a full siege and I doubt a group of like, three hundred people would have the confidence to try so it must be more. Are we sure the other countries aren’t just paying them to attack us?”*

“Those are good questions.” Yamato pointed out. “Can you see anything specific, like the situation or the enemy numbers?”

“I can’t tell exactly. They easily outnumber our troops, thought. It was midnight. They’re planning a surprise attack.”

“Hmm... Even though our numbers may have dwindled, it’s quite a feat for them to outnumber us... it won’t take them long to invade the capital.”

“Yes... But we have to resist them.” Himiko replied, her words filled with determination. “We can’t let anyone take Yamatai!”

“They’re invading the capital right? Is it just the capital?” How the hell do you put this in words... “Since we know they’re coming to Yamatai we can probably prepare defences along the way, slow them down or take them out with traps and such stuff before taking out the ones who make it through. Do we know when they’re coming or if we have enough time to prepare?”

“I, I think we have a week, but no more.” Himiko replied with some hesitation.

“Traps? That’s possible, we just need to disguise them as normal defenses. Bandits aren’t too bright, they will never suspect the extra traps are there only for them.” Yamato mused. “Looks like there is no other way. I’ll go out myself: this should make up for our lack of troops.”

“What!?” Himiko was shocked. “But Takeru, you...”

“I’ll be fine. I may be retired, but I won’t lose to some bandits. We don’t have the leisure to argue about this now.”

“...Thank you, Takeru. But please, don’t do anything reckless.”

“I told you, I’ll be fine. They’re just bandits: numbers is all they have. They won’t be any trouble as long as I am careful.” Then she turned to face me. “Chen Miyafuji. Will you fight?”

“Takeru?!”

“Our troops aren’t in the best condition. But if the Servant of Heaven is there to boost morale, they’re more likely to turn this situation around.” She explained. “However, that’s up to you to decide. That’s why I am asking you what you intend to do.”

“Well...” I put a hand to my chin and thought about it for a moment. If I were to go out there, I might die. But if I didn’t go out there, there’s a chance that the country that had taken me in, if only for the past two weeks, might burn to the ground.

The image of the end of the first battle flashed through my mind, the dead corpses' bleeding out onto the ground ,and slowly I realized that those corpses could easily be Yamatai's.

If I went out there I might die, but if I didn’t everyone else might.

“...I’m hesitant to go out there honestly.” I admitted with a sigh. “But if I don’t everyone else might, and yet it still doesn’t exactly feel real to me. My mind can’t comprehend the sheer amount of lives on the line, and I suspect it’ll only hit me once I’m out on the battlefield but... My gut is telling me to go, so I’ll fight. Remember what I told you Himiko?”

My fist hit the inside of my palm with all the courage I could dredge up from within me as I started to fake acting like the hero again. “I am the man who walks the path of Heaven! If the Heavens sent us this message, than who am I to deny Gravity?!”

“Er.” I paused before sighing. “Should’ve probably come up with a line like that beforehand, ad-libbing on the spot is just not my thing... If I have to boost morale I’m probably going to use a different one.”

...And then I realized Yamato was also in the room as my eyes slowly drifted towards hers. “Don’t mention that to anyone. Please.”

Her grin was positively devilish. “As you wish.”

Oh fuck that girl.

“...I want Onii-san to act according to his own will.” Himiko said, a bit more subdued. "Forcing him into an unavoidable situation is against my principles...”

“What are you talking about Himiko? Didn’t you hear him just now? Those are the words of someone already committed to a course of action.” Yamato nodded in approval, arms crossed. “It’s decided then. We’ll defeat the unruly lot who try to attack our capital. We’ll show those bandits what the new Himiko Army is made of.”

“Onii-san...” Himiko bowed very deeply. “Thank you! Thank you so much!”

===

NNB: The reasoning might be a little shaky, and Chen acknowledges that, but he’s going to fake it until he makes it even if he has to feel silly ripping off media lines because he can’t come up with his own. Sometime you just have to go with your gut on.

Alex: Here, have a contract.

NNB: ...Really? You’re really going to make me say it?

Alex: Oh? Are you not up to it, Man Who Walks The Path of Heaven?

NNB: Fucking fine. I accept this Fate of my own free will and promise to take responsibility for my actions. Happy?

Alex: Very, ‘cause now the real story starts.

 

Chapter 6: Simple Plan

====

It was the dead of night and the only source of light was a bunch of dirty old guys gathering around a campfire. I and several of what could only be called my men were hidden inside the woodland forest, keeping ourselves hidden in the dark as we observed them.

“Looks like they’re all sleeping.” One of the bandits commented before his friend hit him in the back.

“This country really is easy going.” He declared. “The barracks aren’t lit and the guards look sleepy.”

Another one of the bandit joined in the cheer as well. “I heard this was our golden opportunity, but I didn’t think we’d be able to come this close to the capital so easily.”

I sighed, even with the traps we put in place the amount of Bandits that slipped through were still too many. It’s not like we could just light the forest on fire, we rely on that you know?

"You’re joking, right? Did you forget all those traps on the path?” One of the Bandits exclaimed in exasperation. “I lost almost one half of my men!”

“Tough luck, I haven’t lost a single man. I guess they’re so easy going because they’re confident in their defenses.” No but you don’t know that. “A pity they weren’t enough to stop us.”

“All that’s left is to sneak in, steal some nice things...” The first bandit mumbled. “We could even take over Yamatai.”

“Yeah. At this rate, it seems like we could.” Another agreed as all of the bastards nodded their heads.

Try it. I dare you. You’d be dead by morning.

“Ready, everyone?”

“Yeah!”

“Of course.”

“Tch! Don’t diss us out yet! We can still fight!”

“We’re going to take the capital by storm! We’re united with bandits from all around those parts, so we won’t lose even to the military! Now let’s make some money to-”

Enough of this shonen bullshit. I quickly waved my hand to give the signal as we all poured out of the woodwork, Himiko leading the charge.

“Not so fast!” She yelled as she... She’s posing.

Of course she’s fucking posing.

“Who’s there!?” One of the... Okay I’ll admit I’ve stopped keeping track of which bandit's which. You can barely even see their face anyways.

“Himiko of Yamatai at your service!” Our genius queen exclaimed with a smile. “I’ve come here tonight to take care of bandits! Troops, at your ready!”

“No way! How!?” Another bandit shouted, all previous bravado gone.

“Because fuck you.” I declared, tone trying to mix crass with elegance. It really wasn’t working but I was trying dammit. “That’s how.”

Hey he walked into that one.

“As you can see you’ve been surrounded.” Yamato steps forward, one hand already on her sword’s hilt. “Surrender now if you don’t want to get hurt.”

“We haven’t lost yet! Even if we are surrounded, you’re still outnumbered!” One of the apparent leaders tried to win back morale. “And I heard Yamato Takeru is retired! We still have a chance!”

“Right here’s the deal. We’ve been preparing for your arrival for a week now, you never even had a chance of surprise. And you wanna know why? Because you were sold out.” By, like, God but I wasn’t going to tell them that. “So either sit your ass down or we gut you like a fish and leave your corpse for the worms.”

At this point I was starting to feel like I was playing Good Cop Bad Cop with Yamato and I wasn’t the Good Cop.

Hah, how did it come to this...

“Sold out!?” Immediately all other bandits shot those close to them a suspicious glare, as if searching for visible hints of who was the traitor. Eh, show's how much trust there is among bandits that isn’t golden and shaped like coins.

Meanwhile, Yamato’s withering glare made the bandit who spoke break out in a cold sweat. “I did leave the frontlines as you said, and I am not what I once was. But you’re two thousand years too early to think you can face me and our troops. Especially now that the Servant of Heaven has sided with Yamatai. This is your last warning! If you don’t want to face divine punishment, begone!”

“We, We can’t give up now! No choice but to force our way through!”

“Oh yeah? So you can take cover behind your allies?”

“The heck are you saying?!”

“Confess! You’re the traitor! I suspected you from the start! Your armor is too well made to be stolen!”

“It is stolen, you idiot! From a brothel while the previous owner was busy but-What about your sword?! It’s awfully shiny!”

“Because I clean it regularly! Dumbass!”

“I’m afraid we can’t say who among you is the traitor, client confidentiality and all that, but we can say one thing.” I tried my best to make the most deviant smirk ever cross my face, I didn’t even know if they were looking at me anymore but it helped. “They were paid quite handsomely~”

Technically that was a lie, unless religious sacrifices counted but I don’t think we do those. Still, the idea of being sold out was basically rooted into their heads at this point.

I think. I was basically trying to be the devil here and lie my ass off. Was it working? I have to ask the others later, even if Yamato might kick my ass or something.

It’s not not being honorable if I manage to create minimum injuries right? Besides, we could probably actually just pay a bandit later to cover our ass in case anyone asks who. I mean hey, free money for them right?

...Don’t look at me like that, I can barely even understand Geometry do you think I know how psychology works?

“That's enough. It's awfully amusing, but we don't have all night." Yamato whispered to me with a barely concealed grin. Well, it looked like my fears were unfounded. Taking out her sword with a sharp motion she pointed it at the bandits. “Well then. If you’re not going to back off yourselves, we’ll just make you! Himiko, your orders!”

“Yes! We’ve been looking for you all after you ambushed us on our way back from the expedition.” Himiko goddammit if you ruin this... “We’re not letting you off this time! We’re going to beat you up and smack you around so hard you’ll never come near us again! Everybody, there’s no need to hold back! Go all out!”

“Drop your weapon and sit down if you want to surrender, if not-” I unsheathed my sword. “DEATH COME UPON YE!”

I paused and blinked for a moment before sharing a glance with a nearby soldier and mumbled out my confusion. “What the hell was that?”

That probably sounded so weird to the locals.

“Uhm...A threat?” He replied, not sure if it was the right answer or not.

“Rhetorical question.” I waved. “Alright men! HIT THEM ‘TILL THEY DIE!”

And that was when we zerg rushed them.

====

This wasn’t fun.

It’s not like I expected war would be fun and games, I was trying to prepare myself for the opposite really, but eventually halfway through the fight I realized something:

Having the goal of “Killing every man that’s standing” really is shitty, it gets dull after spending minutes on end just killing everyone in front of you. Eventually their faces even turned into a blur, and the part of me that was instinctually appalled at killing seemed to just pack it in at one point and suddenly it was all more like factory work.

Idly I glanced over at Takeru’s side and hot damn. The men around her were having a bit more trouble than mine but she really pulled up the slack. She was far from going as fast as me but her blows felled ten men at a time, and the unified screams of agony sent a shiver of fear going down my spine.

Man that’s going to haunt my nightmares.

Soon however, there were almost no Bandits left in the area, those who actually had a braincell were running off into the woods and being totally honest I didn’t have the motivation to go and chase them down.

One such bandit stopped at the edge and turned around, waving a fist. “We’ll get you next time!” Then he bolted away.

“Remember! The walls have ears!” I waved before turning back to everyone. “Whew, that’s over. You guys alright?”

“Yes. I’ll need to replace the right spaulder, but better it than my arm.” One soldier commented while looking forlornly at the ruined shoulder part of his armor.

“That was amazing! I got to watch both Yamato Takeru and the Servant of Heaven fighting!” Another was behaving almost like a fanboy.

“The walls have ears! Ah! That was a good joke.” A third one snickered.

Himiko, by contrast, was staring silently in the direction the last bandits escaped to. Then she suddenly smiled. “We... We won! There were so many of them, but we won!”

She turned to face me. “It’s all thanks to you Onii-san! This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t rallied the troops.”

“I think it was more that their morale was on the downlow but okay. On that note...” I turned my head to Yamato and raised my hand. “Up top yo!”

She stared back with a blank expression.

“I just... Come on don’t leave me hangin- Oh you don’t know what I’m doing do you?”

Stupid Sengoku Japan...

“I do not.” Yamato replied. “I assume it is some kind of celebratory gesture used in the heavens? You’ll have to show me the necessary steps in that case.”

“You just sort of slap my hand back. For example...” I slapped my own hand which was quite sad before turning to the soldier who snickered at my lines, and held my hand out to him before we shared a look. “Yo.”

I need to stop saying yo, what was this, the 90s?

He looked first at me and then at his own hand before slapping it against mine. “Yo?”

“Yooooo- Okay no more Yo I feel like a Brad.” Son. “Himiko? You as well?”

She needs a high five, she did good. I think.

“Like...this?” She raised her hand and lightly slapped it against mine. She seemed pleased. “Eh eh. But Onii-san, are you okay? You aren’t forcing yourself, right?”

“I... think I’m fine?” I paused, looking myself over. “I don’t have a blade in my back right?”

“Don’t even joke about that! Jeez!” She pouted. It was adorable. Her next words, less so. “But, even though you saved my life, now I've put the weight of Yamatai on you. My plan was to slowly, gradually force you into it like a noose tightening around your neck..."

Er- Wait she was going to what?!

“...I take back that high five. In fact, no more highfives for you. Ever.” I mean to be fair she wasn’t a good queen from what I’ve heard but I wouldn’t be a good person to put in charge either. “Think on what you’ve done.”

“Nooo! Why did I say that!” Himiko cried in distress.

“I see we still need to work on your concept of etiquette Himiko.” Yamato, despite her words, was obviously enjoying our byplay. “So, how was your first real battle?”

“Er, honestly I stopped paying attention and went on autopilot halfway through or so.” I think, you can’t really force these things. “Nice job on your end though, I didn’t think killing ten men in one blow was physically possible but then again, I didn’t know spontaneous sword fire or divination was either.”

“Thanks, but stopping to pay attention during a battle sounds like a wonderful way to slip up and die.” Yamato’s tone was even, but her words weren’t said lightly. “It doesn’t look like I can go back to a quiet life in retirement if the two of you are like that. Very well then. I’ll return to my post until Yamatai is ready.”

“Really!? Takeru!”

“Yeah. I’ll let you tie your noose around my neck, Himiko.”

“Hauu!” The younger girl cried at the jab.

“Don’t worry!” I gave the older women a mock salute. “Even if you are an old woman with the face of a thug, the Himiko Army will always accept you!”

I admit, I may have been saving that one for a while...

For a second there was utter silence. Himiko stared at me wide-eyed, while Yamato just gave a small nod.

Then she took a step forward and placed a hand on my shoulder, clenching her fingers until the metal groaned and giving me a smile worth of the devil itself. “I was thinking on going easy on you in respect to your age... But I see now there is no need for that. All that’s left is a victory speech from the Servant of Heaven to soothe our soldiers’ tired bodies, a quick nap and then we can start your real training.”

A sense of dread caused every fiber of my body to run away in fright but I powered through it with a nod before blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. “Himiko has to go through it too! If you’re going hard on me go just as hard on her!”

“Oni-san! Traitor! How could you!?”

“Like you don’t need it!”

If I’m going down I’m taking you with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yamato just sighed. “Yes, there is no way I can retire if I need to leave this country in the hands of children.”

And that folks, is how I fully took on the role of Servant of Heaven and ended up going to war for WORLD DOMINATION!!!

What is the lesson what is the takeaway? You may think it’s “Don’t leave a country in the hands of two awkward people”, or “The Gods may not have as good a judgment as they’d like”. You’d be wrong.

The answer is, and always will be, if you’re planning on doing something, get Yamato Motherfucking Takeru to help.

 

Chapter 7: This Is War

====

Yamato was a fiery demon from the depths of hell.

I’ve lost track of how many days it’s been since I arrived here but the fire-blooded purple haired bitch is still holding her spite against me, and Himiko by extension. Or she could just be deriving amusement from my suffering.

Yeah, I can see that.

Still I was improving, at the very least I think I was, and even I could tell going to Saka- er, Yamato’s Boot Camp was better for me in the long run. It wasn’t like she was torturing me mentally like back home…

Uh where was I? Right yes time skip time skips. Eventually however, the three of us had planned a meeting to discuss our next move and other future endeavors.

It’s going about as well as you’d think.

“We no longer have the threat of the bandits looming over us.” Himiko began. “Now Yamatai will finally be at peace.”

“...Are you sure about that?” I asked, struggling not to hit myself for making an old joke. “Because uh, looking at future plans, I doubt Yamatai will have peace for a long time.”

World Conquest would do that yo.

“Of course. We will have the peace...to start planning for World Conquest without pesky distractions!” She said with a grin, as if proud of her own joke.

“That was bad. Spend more time thinking up wordplay if you want to impress others. Rather, you shouldn’t spend time on that at all.” Yamato mercilessly cut her down. “The bandits may have been defeated, but as Chen-san suggested behind their attack there may be someone else. It is out of the ordinary for such numbers to have gathered.”

“You mean... Someone might have used the bandits to attack Yamatai?” Himiko asked.

“Possibly. I doubt they’d have the capabilities to as they put it ‘Unite all the bandits around these parts’.” I paused, trying to remember that night a bit more. “Something like that would require a leader if they were doing it on their own. A bandit king if you will. Otherwise they’d just be in chaos the entire time. So either we are dealing with more bandits, or the most likely option, they all got paid to unite and attack.”

“I don’t really know what you’re getting at.” Himiko seemed genuinely perplexed. “Could I have a hint?”

“It’s not a riddle. There are no hints.” Yamato immediately shot back.

“That’s true, but... I can’t answer it either...”

Yamato sighed. “I am not asking you to. Let’s think this through: who would benefit the most from Yamatai being weak?”

“Benefit the most? Benefit... Benefit...” The younger girl began to repeat under her breath before yelping in sudden realization. “Oh! It was a simple answer. There is only one person that would do such a dastardly thing. It must be Nobunaga! She must have hired the bandits for payback! The only explanation! My genius at work again!”

I stared at Yamato for a few seconds before shrugging. “I mean, that’s... Technically something I could see Nobunaga doing? Can someone get me a map and fill me in on who exactly controls what?”

“Map, map...where did we put those?” Yamato mumbled while walking to a nearby bookshelf.

Meanwhile, Himiko was still riding the highs of her ‘genius intuition’. “Nobunaga’s probably still mad about the time I gave her frozen sandals.”

“Just give me a sec to think this out okay?” I told the girl before turning back to Yamato. “Find it yet?”

“No. Why there is a cooking book there?” Yamato said back in a confused tone.

“...Is there actually any organization to that shelf?”

“How dare she? How very dare she? That’s disproportionate retribution, that’s what!” Himiko was still lost in her fantasy. “I have to get revenge for this! I shall return! We’ll use our momentum to defeat Nobunaga in Edo, and then...”

“Found it. And aren't you forgetting something, Himiko?” Yamato returned with a rolled up scroll she opened between us, revealing a map of Japan. The form was as I remembered it, but only three main cities were showed on it: Yamatai, Kyoto and Edo, with Kyoto being between Yamatai and Edo. “If you’re aiming for Edo, you should set up Kyoto as a forward base. Musashibou-”

“It’s most likely Kyoto.” I interrupted before wincing as Yamato punched me in the arm. “No look, let me explain! Okay so Nobunaga is in control of Edo right? All the way over there.”

I pointed towards the country on the map. “So Nobunaga being the culprit of paying the bandits runs into two problems. The first is that she’d have to go around to the other side of the goddamn island and then keep almost her entire army unnoticed while she recruits every bandit in the area for a siege. Now, it’d make sense if she planned to go raid on us right afterwards but it’s been days since that battle and I haven’t heard about some secret army hiding in the mountains for no reason.”

“The second reason is: why.” I paused to let that sink in. “You guys said it yourself, you guys lost several times in battle with her. She doesn’t need to hire bandits to mess with us. In her mind, she could easily conquer us if she decided to strike. So why would she need to hire other people?”

“Kyoto on the other hand.” I continued. “Would be the much more safer bet. For one thing, it’s our closest neighbor. It doesn’t need to deal with other people in the way of its pursuits, we’re right next to them so we can be invaded easily. The second is the knowledge of what the bandits knew. See, they clearly didn't know much about the defenses of the capital city. Hell, it sounded like they’ve never even seen it before. Not to sound arrogant but they didn't even know about me, something which is basically the hottest topic right now. Which means that if they were hired by Kyoto, it would be between the area right between our borders, a place they could easily reach.”

“But wait!” I waved my hand in the air. “I’m not done! You see, the final nail in the coffin is that, well, it’s Kyoto. Correct me if I’m wrong but Edo is currently the strongest of the three countries military wise right? Well if I’m remembering correctly, Kyoto may not have the strongest military but it was the former capital city. And you know what that means it would have? Money. Enough to say, hire all the bandits in the area to attack the weakest of it’s rivals?”

I let out another pause before sighing. “Okay now I’m done. Thoughts?”

"Those are very good points." Yamato shook her head. "Except for one simple fact: if Nobunaga has no need to pay bandits to weaken us, then on the other hand Minamoto no Yoshitsune and Musashibou Benkei are not the kind of people who would ever do something dishonourable like that.”

“Yoshitsune and Benkei... We made our way around them last time, so I forgot all about them.” Himiko mumbled. “I’ve heard Yoshitsune and Nobunaga had a meeting recently. I don’t think they’ll let us through that easily... She may be a scary woman, but she never used something like bandit attacks for her scoldings...”

“So, great.” I sighed. “We’re probably dealing with both countries then. You think Nobunaga pulled a... Nobunaga and took an important hostage and is now threatening Kyoto into helping her ambition? Because I highly doubt that was a talk just for the sake of peace, I mean it could be but for Nobunaga that’d just be code for ‘don’t get in our way when we march across your lands and we won’t fuck you up!’. Also Kyoto being the former capital and all, I think she’s probably looking at it with quite greedy eyes.”

“That may be possible. Since Nobunaga is also aiming to unite Zipang, then Yoshitsune is an opponent that she will eventually face. We tried to get her on our side during the last expedition, but all we got was a scolding letter telling us to stop. In any case there is only one thing left to do.” Yamato’s lips widened into a grin. “Get the truth out of her, even if we have to beat her and her armies first.”

“Guuh...I don’t want to see Yoshitsune.” Himiko whined. “She treats me like a child...”

“She was your tutor. It’s only natural for her to do so.”

“No it’s not! I am not a child anymore! Fine! There’s no way I would give up my goal of world conquest!” She yelled, now suddenly energized. “What about Yoshitsune?! I’ll show her how much I’ve grown! From this point on, we are beginning the war to unite Zipang!”

“Okay Yamato, let me get this straight. We’re going to raid Kyoto, in order to potentially save Kyoto.” And than suddenly something clicked in my head and before I knew it I couldn't stop laughing. “AHAHAHA! I guess it’s time to take back the holy land than?! Pfft, Ha! Gather the soldiers we’re having us a crusade! DEUS VULT!”

====

Notes:

NNB: So if there's one thing I'm learning from being in this FI it is: don't put me in charge of any organization, I accidentally start crusades.

Alex: I wouldn't call it a crusade...

NNB: It is totes a crusade! Kyoto is basically Jerusalem!

 

Chapter 8: Down On The Corner

====

“Onii-san! Takeru!” Himiko stormed inside the room while I was still struggling with the budget. Shortly after our decision to crusade Kyoto, for some god forsaken reason Yamato put me in charge of the military. Which of course means I had to deal with all of the logistical stuff, problem is… I’m me. “I finally obtained some information regarding the one behind the bandit’s attack! As I thought, the culprit is Nobunaga!”

I stopped reading the piece of paper in my hand and turned to Himiko, raising one eyebrow in the process. “Okay but did he say it was Nobunaga or did he just say something that made you assume it was Nobu?”

“Ah ha! Do you think I would be so easily fooled? I kept tickling him with my new weaponized feather until he spilled all the beans!” Smiling smugly Himiko held out a note to me. “The bandits were hired by people wearing the colors of Edo. Everything’s written here.”

“Right okay...” I took the note out of her hand and began to glance it over. “‘It was obviously those Edo bastards! They had the colors of Edo and everything... It was totally Edo. They’re the ones who gave us supplies and gold’. Right, uh, are you sure they weren’t just paid to say that either? Your beef with NobuNobu is... I think it’s pretty well known? And she doesn’t even make an appearance at all in this note. It’s like: ‘C’mon guys it’s totes Edo’.”

“NobuNobu?!” Himiko was suddenly worried. “Is... Is that an... endearing nickname!?”

“Nobunaga is becoming a mouthful to say so I’m just going to drown people in the world Nobu like Nobu Nobu Nobu until the word Nobu becomes as useless as Ora. Nobu.”

“Buwah?!” Himiko looked like she didn’t even know how to react to that. I had that effect.

“The two of you get funnier by the day.” Yamato smiled while taking the note. “Himiko’s torture isn’t very reliable, but I doubt a bandit would stick to a deal even after being captured. You can’t spend gold in prison after all. That said, it shouldn’t be difficult for someone to pretend they are from Edo. So we’re back to square one.”

“So either they’re from Edo or they’re not from Edo.” I sighed. “Have we considered just, you know, asking Kyoto what that meeting was about?”

“No... but it’s not too late!” Himiko declared with confidence.” We only need to add it to the Declaration of War to Kyoto! Let’s write it immediately!”

“...Please don’t tell me we’re putting Himiko in charge of writing this.”

“We don’t have a choice. She is the nominal rule of Yamatai, and doing otherwise is against protocol.” Yamato sighed. “Don’t worry, I’ll guide her and make sure she doesn’t mess it up.”

====

“Dear Minamoto no Yoshitsune.” Himiko slowly wrote, the hand holding the brush shaking. “I hope this correspondence finds you in... Wait, how do you spell ‘correspondence’?”

“Here, it’s not that hard.” Yamato wrote it on another piece of paper.

“It’s the first time in a while I’m doing it by hand.” Himiko complained. “And my hands are shaking because I haven’t held a brush in a long time...”

“Better than me.” I declared looking at my own hands. “I couldn’t write cleanly if it killed me.”

It’s a problem that will never be fixed!

“Here, I’ll show you how. We’ll be sending out a letter full of scribbles at this rate.” Yamato began to write the letter on another paper for Himiko to copy. “You wouldn’t have so much trouble if you practiced regularly.”

“Takeru, you were the one that suggested a substitute because my writing was impossibly bad...”

“Hm. I don’t really remember.”

“Always playing dumb when the tables turn against you. Jeez...” Himiko looked annoyed.

“Yamato, how about you write down everything Himiko says.” I suggested. “Not like, literally everything but- Goddammit you know what I mean.”

“I know, but if I don’t start now we’ll never get that bad habit out of her.” Yamato replied. “Also, Yoshitsune would definitely notice. Don’t worry: with some luck, this won’t take long.”

It took Himiko over 10 tries -a good time according to Yamato- but she finally finished and sent the declaration of war. Now we only needed to wait for the reply and we could begin the crusade to take back the Holy Land.

Deus vult.

====

Eventually said reply arrived.

“The reply’s finally here...” Himiko, letter in hand, gulped. “I’ve got butterflies in my stomach...”

“On a scale of one to ten how pissed do you think they’re going to be at us?” I gulped, trying to hide my nervousness. “Current estimate breaks the scale.”

War... This was finally it huh? Not a war on bandits but an actual war between nations.

And one I couldn’t afford to lose.

“My insides are churning just thinking about what it might say...”

“I can read it if you want.” Yamato offered.

“I-I’ll read it myself.” Himiko declined, though it looked like she wanted to do the exact opposite. “I practiced again and again to send out that letter. She’s probably amazed at my beautiful handwriting. ‘I’m impressed you improved this much,’ it’ll... say...”

“...The fact that you’re trailing off suggest the exact opposite.” I ‘helpfully’ supplied. “Face it Himiko. Face her wrath with courage.”

“I’m courageous. I’m courageous.” Chanting that mantra Himiko opened the letter and read the reply.

“......Augh.”

Her whole body froze, the face a rictus of disbelief and broken hopes.

“Let’s see...” I grabbed the note out of her frozen hands. The atmosphere was so thick you could cut it with a knife, or Himiko if you used her right. Ugh dammit that came out wrong. “...Holy shit did she just proofread your letter?”

She wasn’t even taking us seriously but this was comedic gold!

“I thought it would be fine to send this out without me checking, but it looks like she’s gotten even worse than before.” Yamato didn’t even look apologetic, as if she had nothing to do with it. “I can only read the beginning and end.”

“Heh, hehehehe...” Himiko was smiling, but it did not to lessen the impression she was pissed beyond belief. “So this is Yoshitsune’s answer. What disrespect, to just send me back my letter like this.”

Suddenly I noticed another piece of paper that Himiko had dropped in her initial shock just lying around on the floor.

“Hold up a sec...” I muttered as I picked it up only to be rewarded with the most beautiful handwriting I had ever seen. “...So the meeting between Kyoto and Edo was Nobu trying to get Yoshi to join her side and unite Zipang but Yoshi refused. Also we’re at war now.”

...Ugh what a fucking snob. You wouldn’t think you’d hate someone based on handwriting alone until you see this shit.

Himiko slammed her stick on the floor in front of her. “I see... I have certainly received Yoshitsune’s feelings.” Her expression turned murderous. “The shots have been fired! Starting today, we’re going to use every last bit of energy on taking Kyoto and clearing the path to Nobunaga! Onii-san, Takeru. We’re all in this together.”

“It’s all an inevitable part of your plan. Let’s do it.” Yamato simply replied.

“Oh Himiko.” I chuckled. “We’re not just taking Kyoto. We’re painting it red.”

 

Chapter 9: Five For Fighting

====

You know, to be truly honest I had lost track of how long we had been marching to Kyoto. I think it’s been around two weeks but there were so many mountains the days started to blur together.

Which is why when we finally reached the gates of Kyoto I had to blink to make sure what I was looking at was correct.

“Yamato.” I called. “What the fuck is this?”

“Language.” She scolded you. But she did so distractingly, for her eyes were burning a hole through the gate. “It’s quiet. Too quiet. There’s no trace of people.”

She did not just-

“You did not just say that.” I mumbled before speaking louder. “Right! So, we finally reach Kyoto and it’s a ghost town. How much do you want to bet that this is a trap?”

“Onii-san is right: it’s definitely a trap. My sixth sense is tingling.” Himiko supported me in her own way. “Kyoto is a bustling, prosperous city. It’s never this quiet. I’ve gotten good enough to see through obvious traps like this.”

“You did run into a similar situation before and get defeated, after all.” Yamato casually remarked.

“D-Don’t talk about that!” The younger girl pleaded.

“Anyways, I can think of three options to deal with this.” I held up three fingers. “We could: A, send in a scout first to see if they spring the trap, though that’s sacrificing manpower. B, try and march all around to the other side of Kyoto to see if the situation there is the same but that’ll take time and energy. Finally, and this is really the first thing that came to mind, we start burning everything and we don’t stop burning until we have nothing left to burn. This is obviously a bad idea but fuck me I’m out of ideas.”

I could actually probably think of something else but we lack information- Hey why didn’t we send a spy first?!

Oh right, we don’t have those because they got merged with another division sometime last year. Goddammit who was in charge again?!

“Oi oi. What dangerous words are you speaking of.” A pleasant voice suddenly said, coming from above. “But at least you recognized it as a last resort, and thought of more sensible options first.”

I swear you could hear the collective sound of every person in our armies heads snapping up as we looked to the top of the gate, only to find a girl just shy of one or two years older than me. Her purple hair flowing down her back in a ponytail tied by a single yellow ribbon as she stood at attention, sword at her waist in a...

An armored sailor fuku? Goddammit her skirt doesn’t even reach her thighs you can clearly see the absolute territory!

“What the hell are you wearing.” I blurted out first. “No seriously, what?”

“Why, this is the traditional garb of my clan.” She smiled pleasantly. “My name is Minamoto no Yoshitsune. It would be most appreciated if you could remember that.”

She jumped down, gracefully landing in front of us. “You must be the Servant of Heaven. Nice to meet you. Himiko, Takeru: it has been a while.”

“Y-You’ve finally shown yourself! It’s not like you to show up without-”

“BENKEI REPORTING IN!” A loud, boisterous and childish voice shouted from above.

Followed by something, or rather someone landing on the other side of the gate and right in front of us with the force of a cannonball.

“Mission complete! The Himiko Army is as flat as a pancake!” A brown haired girl with... fox ears... declared. She was tinier than me and only wore a short white dress and some gloves but her back was filled with weapons of all kinds from giant spike clubs to spears to... saws... to... farming rakes-

“You know what? This entire thing? I regret it. I regret it so much.” I declared, my eyes twitching at the people who were in charge of Kyoto. “‘Tis a silly place. What the actual hell is this madness.”

Should’ve known, it was always the camalots.

“Not yet Benkei. The fun begins here.” Yoshitsune told the girl called Benkei. Just as troops began to appear from both flanks of our own army, effectively boxing it between them.

“Minamoto no Yoshitsune, skilled and nimble like a tengu. Musashibou Benkei, boasting unrivaled strength. This is going to be an exciting battle.” Yamato drew her sword, excitement already pouring out of her in waves.

“Yoshitsune alone was enough trouble... But now we’re pinned between her and Benkei... Ugh! We played right into their hands!” Himiko cried.

“Chen. I’ll face Benkei myself. You take care of Yoshitsune.” Yamato whispered to me. “Make her surrender, and this battle will be ours.”

So I was stuck with the school girl. Just great. At least it wasn’t the loli. “On it.”

Yamato wasted no time rallying her own troops to charge at Benkei, who meanwhile was joined by various ranks of spearmen and white robed guys with pointy hats.

That left me face to face with Yoshitsune, who was also joined by fellow samurai and more of the white robed pointy hat... I think they were called, uh... Goddammit I recognize what they look like, shrine magicians! Yeah, those guys. They have shinigami or something.

I’m so screwed.

“Focus on taking out... the mystic dudes first.” I told my own men. “Keep together and leave Yoshi to me, always have more than one man fighting a group got it?”

“You heard the Servant of Heaven!” One of them shouted, his sword raised high. “Forward! Target the Onmyouji! Stay together!”

With that we charged at the enemy troops.

Just in time to see Yoshi running at full speed towards me, nimbly dodging everyone trying to be an obstacle on her path. Once close enough her sword flashed, and if it wasn't for a sudden surge of adrenaline I would have been hard-pressed to block her blow. It wasn’t as heavy as Yamato’s, I think we’re more or less evenly faced, but she was faster than me.

“I’m impressed you blocked that, Servant of Heaven.” Yoshitsune smiled. “Looks like the rumors about you being versed in martial arts are true.”

“Ha- no.” I let out as I moved back into my regular stance,.“I just got beaten up by Yamato enough times. Not as fast as yours of course... But her ultimate technique is melee combat 101 with an extra step, I doubt she actually cares for speed.”

“Not bad. That means your mind is just as strong, then. I also heard you talk funny sometimes, but to train you so extensively Takeru must truly like you.” She looked pleased. “I trust her judgment, but some things must be experienced first-hand to be really understood.”

“I called her an old lady with the face of a thug and she decided to give me hell.” I declared bluntly, trying to keep my feet on the move by slowly circling around her in half steps. “We’re friends but you’re making this sound more special than this actually is.”

Actually was she still pissed about that?

...Probably.

“Honest and brave. What a wonderful combination.” She didn’t move, but her whole body looked as tense as a coiled spring ready to be set loose. “But I must see more - see if there’s any evil within. Anyway, there’s no holding back now. I shall be the judge of you.”

And then she was in the air above me, her sword coming down like a guillotine. I barely had any time to move out of the way before she crashed into the earth where I was standing. She flowed seamlessly into the next blow, a rising swing ascending towards me as I hastily twisted my body to avoid it before swinging my sword back at her.

The exchange continued for a dozen seconds, with Yoshi darting back and forth to strike from various angles and me parrying before counterattacking with minimal movements. At one point she stepped back, nodding slightly. “How odd. Your swordsmanship is still rough at the edges but good. However, I get the feeling there is more to it... Were you perhaps a bare-handed fighter before taking up the sword?”

“Got it in one, I was learning boxing before I met Himiko.” Crap I couldn’t see any obvious openings... Well of course I wouldn’t, that would be obvious. “But my bare fist isn’t going to stop Yamato from slicing me in two so I figured I might as well use the magic crystal sword that came out of nowhere. ‘Course boxing is all I know but when you’re in Yamato’s School of Hard Knocks you tend to adapt fast.”

“Boxing? I’m not familiar with a style with that name. But considering the time the first rumors about you appeared, it’s amazing how fast you learned.” Her eyes fell on my sword, and her gaze turned pensive. “Forgive me for asking, but what do you know about your sword? Did Takeru...ever comment on it?”

“Okay, Yoshi, pause for a second and look at me.” I gestured at myself. “You see this? All this fancy-shmancy armour? The crystal sword? Basically my entire load out? I have no idea where any of it comes from. Like, at all. Did it come from heaven? Who the hell knows. As far as my knowledge goes I went to sleep one day and bam, I’m in the middle of a battlefield wearing what you see now.”

“It seems like I asked a question you had to answer many times before. I apologize.” She replied. “But if what you said is true, can you tell me why you decided to help Himiko and Takeru instead of trying to return to your home?”

“I lived halfway across the world on an island in the middle of the ocean both several centuries away from this time and on a completely different timeline.” I deadpanned. “I doubt there is any way I’m actually getting back, plus Yamatai’s been pretty nice to me all around so why wouldn’t I help out? Even if Himiko can be... Himiko.”

Spill the beans. Spill all the beans.

“Time travel? Truly, I didn’t expect that answer. But I don’t believe you’re lying. Fascinating.” She breathed out before smiling. “That’s enough banter for now. Shall we resume our duel?”

“I don’t know, I quite like talking.” I replied before we both moved and our swords turned into a flurry of clangs that rang throughout the battle field, our bodies (or maybe just mine) getting more and more cuts as we seemingly danced on the battlefield. And just like my dancing skill I was the awkward white guy who when not flailing around was like a solid rock. “Am I allowed to start Trash Talking? It’s the best of both worlds!”

“It is wise the warrior who chooses words over his sword. But it isn’t so wise the warrior that wastes his breath during a battle.” Yoshi gave me a knowing smile before trying to cut my stomach, “And it would be more effective against Benkei anyway. I prefer before and after a fight, not during it.”

“I really have no response to that.” I admitted, I mean I was going to say something about her legs but... Wait. “I mean if I run my mouth I probably won’t be able to control myself.”

And then I slashed aiming for the area of absolute territory between her skirt and her knees.

She dodged the most of it, only two red lines on her thighs the proof my attack connected, and went for a thrust to my shoulder, only for me to immediately twist my body and plant my freehand directly in her gut.

Mexican Bodyshot. Always works.

Except this time she grabbed my wrist, even as her sword left a thin cut on my arm. I managed to knock her out of breath, but just as quickly I felt the hilt of her sword slam on my cheek.

My mind turned to instinct at that moment as the next thing I knew I was slamming my head into hers, before following it up with another knee jab to the stomach as she started to let go of my hand. I didn't even give her any time to recover as I used my body weight to slam her onto the ground, one foot instantly landing one on her chest while to other pins her sword-hand.

My blade flashed right between her eyes as I held it there, panting but still standing. “You think we can declare this my victory?”

For a moment-just a moment, barely noticeable- her gaze flicked down at her body before she faced me again. “It is your victory. I lose. It’s my fault for forgetting you are also a hand-to-hand fighter.” She looked embarrassed. “Would you mind getting off me, so that I can announce our surrender? I would like to avoid further bloodshed. You can take my sword if you don’t trust me.”

Ha. Ha.

Did... Did I actually win?! I thought I need to do something clever or cheap like throwing dirt in her face but did I actually win?!

“Don’t mind if I do.” I grinned, grabbing the sword off the ground before hopping off her and holding it in the air. “Holy shit I actually won! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

It was only by using a bit of luck and my instincts but I did it! HA!

====​

At Yoshi’s signal all the Kyoto troops quickly put down their weapons, adding the word ‘end’ to the battle. When we reunited with the others it was to the sight of Benkei hanging from Yamato’s hand like a cat. Though now that I could get up closer to her, the animal ears from before revealed themselves to just be part of her hair.

Wait that made no sense! If your hair makes you look like you have animal ears then try to change it! Or at least maybe try to act like it or something?

“Nyau~...”

...Nice try kid.

“Are you alright, Benkei?” Yoshi asked her.

“Takeru showed no mercy...”

“There is no reason to complain. I’m probably hurt more than you at this point.” The purple-haired woman replied with a straight face. “You have become even stronger Musashibou Benkei, though you can gain much by learning patience. Take pride in that.”

“Thanks goodness.” Yoshi smiled. “Benkei, we’ve lost. Let’s surrender.”

“Really? But we’re not supposed to let bad people have Kyoto, right?”

“Bad people, yes. Himiko’s still Himiko and the Servant of Heaven probably isn’t a bad person.” Are you sure about that? “Also, Takeru’s back. It’ll be all right.”

“Well Yamato.” I cut in as something BenBen said clicked. “It looks like, for the first time in the history of ever, a crusade is a success. We’ve successfully taken back the holy land. Dues Vult and all that. How’re ya feeling?”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about. Sorry everyone, this guy has a weird way to raise morale among the troops.” Yamato rolled her shoulder. “I’m not in my best condition, though.”

“It’s still a big step up from before, when you didn’t fight at all. I was actually most surprised at her, though.”

Everyone looked at Himiko.

She blushed. “What are you looking at me like that for?”

“You’ve really grown up, Himiko. You used to run away as soon as you saw me.” Yoshi smiled.

“D-Don’t drag up ancient history like that...”

“Do you not want him to find out? Looks like I’ve figured out how to force you to study again.” She seemed very satisfied.

So am I like, not part of this conversation anymore? No boys allowed and all that?

Cool.

While everyone was laughing and catching up I maneuvered my way around to BenBen before waving my hand as casually as I could. “Yo.”

“Eey!” She waved back. “Are you the Servant of Heaven? I’m Benkei! Nice to meet you!”

“Hi BenBen.”

“BenBen?” She blinked in confusion.

“BenBen.”

“BenBen...BenBen…Ah!” She brightened up. “It’s a nickname, right?”

I gave her a silent for thumbs up. The tiny girl in front of me had activated my big brother instinct.

And unfortunately for her and probably anyone in the immediate vicinity, my big brother mode happened to be the weirdest thing.

“Friends use nicknames, right? Yay, Benkei has a new friend!” She jumped up in excitement. “Benkei needs to give you one. What’s your name?”

“Chen.”

“Chen...Chen...” She tried to look serious, but ended up adorable. “Che-ny!”

“Nooo!” Himiko’s scream came from the distance. “Someone stop her! Anything but Yoshitsune’s hellish lessons!”

“And Himi-chan!” Benkei immediately added, only for me to shake my head.

“Himiko is Himiko.” I nodded sagely. “Himiko can never be anything but Himiko because otherwise there would be no Himiko and her butt monkey status will spill out onto the rest of us. Himiko is bearing the pain for us don’t you see? Say it with me now, Himiko is Himiko.”

Himiko is Jesus.

Bless her for being the butt monkey for us.

====

Notes:

Alex: You're right, it's the weirdest thing ever.

NNB: No one knows what Big Brother Chen will do next. My chief weapon is surprise and whimsical randomness. Er, My two chief weapons are surprise, whimsical randomness, and...

Alex: Weirdness.

 

Chapter 10: 21st Century Boy

====

“All that’s left is Edo. One last step before Zipang will be unified.” Yamato suddenly said as we arrived inside our new meeting room. “What are your impressions so far?”

It had been a few days since we ended up having a successful crusade and now that we were all settling into our new digs Himiko had decided to call a meeting to discuss what to do about Edo. I think, she hadn’t actually arrived yet but Yamato had dragged me away rather early.

“It... Was kind of a bit less than what I expected?” I shrugged, trying to think of what to say. “Not to dishonor the dead, but I thought taking Kyoto would be a tougher job. I don’t even think any of us had to step into the city the entire fight.”

“Haven’t you noticed? Yoshitsune was just testing us.” She smiled. “That girl has no interest being the one to unite Zipang, but she wouldn’t let someone unworthy do it. Testing someone’s character through mettle is the warrior’s way. I heard the world is full of similar-minded people.”

“I didn’t know slamming skulls into each other is how people tested each other but who am I to dey this new social fad?”

“Ahahah. Yes, I heard how you managed to put her at sword’s point.” The smile turned into a grin. “Watch out, that girl may look polite but she’s capable of being totally evil if she wants to. But she’s a capable and trustworthy ally. Benkei’s the same. Your burden on the battlefield will be lightened now. I should be able to retire soon.”

Ah yes... Her retirement.

====

“That’s it for today.” Yamato lowered her blade. “Sword training is over.”

“Feel... Like... My lungs... Are burning...” I heaved, rolling over on the ground where Yamato had promptly sent me flying. “Give me a second.”

You know that saying 'no pain no gain'? Well that’s basically how muscle training works anyway. You just minorly damage your body until it gets better, but you can’t damage it to too often otherwise you’d majorly damage it.

That might be an oversimplification but you get the point.

Still, my motto when it came to learning things wasn’t ‘learn the basics’ it was ‘dive head first into everything until you get used to doing stuff’. It sounded like the stupidest shonen thing ever but really it helped me figure things out and learn on my own.

Which is why I ended up spending several days stuck in Saka- No wait I already used that joke. Uh... Need to think of an alternative to bootcamp...

Ah! Yamato’s School of Hard Knocks. There we go.

“You sure are short of breath. It’s going to be hard from here on out, at this rate. I do think highly of you, you know? You’re an important part of Yamatai’s army.”

“Oh lay off.” I scoffed, pulling myself to my feet. “I have been fighting against you for the past six hours. Not just fighting for the past six hours, fighting against you. Miss I-Can-Take-Out-Ten-Men-In-One-Blow. But uh... thanks for the compliment I guess.”

“I’m the one teaching you, so it’s only natural I applaud the growth of my student. No need to feel embarrassed about it.” She smiled. “Of course, I won’t stop training you until you surpass even me. I eagerly await the day, my apprentice-Agh!”

And then Yamato, who until now was as fresh as a rose, suddenly collapsed on her knees, her breathing hard as sweat formed on her face.

“Woah woah are you okay?!” I scrambled over to her, pulling my hand on her shoulder. “Hey! Hey!”

“Just got a little dizzy.” She shook her head, her conditions slowly returning to normal. “Nothing to worry about...”

“Really?” I deadpanned, “You sure have some poorish health. It’s going to be hard from here on out. I do think highly of you, you know? You’re an important asset in the Himiko army.”

“No need to go all sarcastic on me.” She pushed my hand away and slowly stood up. “I’ll be fine soon enough. I just...got a little too excited... Could you do me a favor and keep this between the two of us? I don’t want to worry everyone, especially Himiko.”

“Just...” I paused before sighing. How were you even supposed to react to something like this? “Just tell me what that was all about. I’ve heard rumors of your injuries but...”

“I just pushed myself too hard. That’s all.” Her expression softened. “Don’t make that face. I was hurt, yes, but I’m not in danger anymore. My body just has some troubles returning to its peak conditions. I guess you can call it lazy.”

“You pushed yourself too hard.” I blinked. “There are so many ways that you can do that but I get the feeling you don’t want me to ask.”

“I would be very grateful if you wouldn’t.” She made a small smile. “In exchange I promise to be more careful in the future. I’m going to retire once Zipang is unified again, I’ll have all the time to rest all I want after that.”

“...You know, that brings up an excellent question.” Please don’t hit me. “How old are you exactly? Truthfully you look like you’ve only just hit your twenties but you talk like you're forty.”

I expected her to hit me.

Instead her expression turned forlorn.

“...Who knows? Sometimes I just feel like...I’ve lived for far, far too long.”

====

“I can tell what you’re thinking.” Yamato suddenly said. “You should work on hiding it better.”

“Shh.” I whispered playfully. “Don’t you know it’s common courtesy to look off dramatically whenever you start having a flashback?”

That was a lie.

“You have etiquette for when people have a flashback where you’re from? Weird.” What’s weird is that she believed that. “I’m already retired and plan on leaving the frontlines soon. Eventually, I’ll be living a nice, comfortable life simply training my successor.”

“Yeah, and maybe you’ll find a man, get a nice home in the countryside, raise two-three kids together, watch them go up onto greatness, and eventually live in their care while lamenting on how little you get to see them.” I paused as if a divine revelation just occurred, “Oh wait. You’d fail at step one of that plan.”

She gave me a blank look. “...I’m not sure how to react to that, but I’m leaning towards violence. Give me a couple of days to decide.”

Himiko chose that moment to slide open the door and enter, thankfully putting an end to the awkward conversation for Yamato and incoming doom for me.

...Worth it.

“Oh, you two are already here. Sorry I’m late. Let’s begin the meeting, shall we? The topic, of course, is how we’re going to take Nobunaga’s Edo.”

“Where’s Yoshitsune? Shouldn’t we wait for her too?” Yamato asked.

“She’ll join us after checking the frontline formation at Kyoto...” Himiko grumbled. “She’s probably scheming about how to make us study.”

“Mandatory education yo.” I shrugged. “It’ll bite you sooner or later. How bad are her study sessions anyways?”

“It’s hell. They’re hell, and Yoshitsune is a demon with the lying face of an angel.” She stated in absolute seriousness. “Oh, if only I could forget... If I had wings, I would fly away from it.”

“Relieve that stress on the battlefield.” Yamato interrupted. “Nobunaga is aggressive, constantly engaging in skirmishes with Yamatai. We won’t need to declare war against her.”

“Cuz we’re already at war. So, about Nobunaga and Edo. The main problem with her is that she has an extremely troublesome unit armed with very troublesome weapons called ‘guns’.”

“Knew someone had those somewhere.” I blurted out. “Yeah, muskets right? Downside is we don’t have any way to defend against those, bright side is that muskets aren’t rapid fire and take time to reload if I’m remembering correctly. Basically if we can manage to take out their supplies we shouldn’t have to worry too much about it.”

“Oh, you already know about them, Onii-san? That’ll make things easier.” Himiko looked relieved. “According to Yoshitsune, Nobunaga is gathering more musketeers from somewhere else. We could go ahead of her and defeat them before they can group up... Hehehe...hehehehe...” She finished with a creepy laugh.

“Himiko has suffered from their guns multiple times in the past.” Yamato explained. “We’ll need all the information we can get. It’ll be a problem if we don’t prepare properly before heading to Edo. Since you know about muskets, do you have any strategy to use against them?”

“Uh... Well.” I shrugged, “No. Not particularly, I’m trying to think of a solution but the problem is they're ranged weapons and they’re fast. And I’m no genius on them anyways, but you said NobuNobu was getting them from somewhere right? Nobu.”

“Yoshitsune said she’s importing them from abroad, yes.”

“Perfect. Or close to it enough.” Hm, how to explain this... “We’re dealing with Europeans most likely, though you’ll have to start thinking a bit off the military track. Guns are weapons of war yes but the people importing them in aren’t invested in the war. They're invested in the profit they can make from selling these things, or maybe they're politically invested in wanting nails in the newest leader of a country. Whatever, point is that they probably don’t really care about how this war turns out. So what I’m suggesting is simple.”
I really wish I had a pose when my next words spilled out if my mouth. “We find out who’s importing to NobuNobu and see if we can cut them a deal to come to our side and start giving us muskets and gunmen as well. Maybe even training if we play our cards right. Because, well, you know what they say, fight fire with fire.”

Nobu.

“Europeans? Ah, you must mean the people from the EU. Yes, I’ve heard that’s where guns originally came from.” Himiko nodded. “Stealing that gorilla woman’s toys...hehehe. I like this plan. Once we capture Edo, we’ll have unified Zipang. Then, the Himiko Army will become the Zipang Army. For the sake of all my years of torment, I won’t lose to Nobunaga!”

“So, moving on to the next subject... We need an intelligence division. Badly.” I sighed. “Look I don’t want another ghost town incident. We need information, constantly. Maps to know the terrain, the enemies status, we need information or we’re going to die blind out there. Have you heard the saying 'if you know yourself and your enemies you will win a thousand battles, but if you know yourself but not the enemy you will win some and lose some'? Yeah, information is key. Because I doubt we could just plop a bunch of warrior monks in Edo and have them wear NobuNobu down for us Nobu.”

“Stop that.” Yamato chided me. Bite me. “Uhm, certainly someone able at gathering information would be useful. There isn’t any in Yamatai, but there could be in Kyoto. I’ll ask Yoshitsune about it.”

“...Speaking of, does anyone know where BenBen is?” I asked. “I’d assume she’d be here too but isn't she a bit too young for that?”

“She’s either with Yoshitsune or playing with the children.” Himiko told me. “Rather than too young...well, I never saw Benkei using anything even remotely resembling planning. She’s more of the ‘trust your guts’ type, you know? Except when it comes to weapons, but she isn’t interested in guns.”

“Okay then, current strategy when dealing with BenBen is throw her at a job and maybe she’ll get it done.” Yes, perfect. “All those who disagree with this action will be tried by the BenBen inquisition at an unknown date.”

“The...BenBen...inquisition?”

“I didn't know we had such a thing.” Yamato said in a deadpan.

I stared at her, eyes dark as coal and solid as rock. “No one expects The BenBen Inquisition.”

===

Notes:

NNB: I still can’t believe Alex hasn’t known literally all of my Monty Python references.

NNB: I mean where does he live, under a rock?

NNB: ...I suppose Italy could be called such.

Alex: First, I haven’t watched Monty’s films in years. Cut me some slack. Second, Italy is not a rock: we have plains.

 

Chapter 11: Inherit The Earth

====

“So if we cut the budget here...” I mumbled over the papers in my office. “No no- FUCK! Ugh, god damn piece of shit!”

My fists slammed into the desk as several papers went flying onto the floor. My anger steaming as tiny cracks started to form in the desk. This wasn’t the first time this had happened today, and it probably won’t be the last.

So managing an army with differing budgets is hard, I knew that, but merging an army with a conquering nation involved enough paperwork that my parents would be proud. Freakin corporate cubicle workers...

“That’s it!” I declared, standing up all of a sudden. “I’m on break! Gonna take a walk because fuck this.”

And with that I marched out of the room and into the busy hallways of the castle.

Stupid fucking Yamato, dumping this load of paperwork on me. Oh tomorrow's “lesson” will be fun...

====

I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again.

This place is fucking huge. Unlike the palace back in Yamatai, this building was clearly a castle built for an emperor. It was beautiful, in a way I guess, but to be perfectly honest the one back in Yamatai had a more homely feel.

I certainly didn’t need a bedroom the size of a classroom, what the fuck is wrong with the nobility?

Still, I had calmed down by the time I had finished exploring a good chunk of the castle. I still hadn’t managed to completely get the place down into my memory but I was getting there.

“Wait crap.” I mumbled, pausing in my tracks as I turned the corner. “How long is it going to take to get back to the office?”

It wasn’t like I had a designated amount of time for breaks but I did need to get those papers finished before tomorrow evening at the latest and I don’t feel like pulling an all-nighter...

Ah well, I’ll just enjoy myself for now in the silence of the hallway-

The sound of someone talking reached my ears as I stepped further in. It was muffled by the sound of something. Then it stopped, but I could swear it was the voice of Yoshi. “What the hell is she doing here...?”

Eh, might be a good distraction. Listening carefully, I quietly tiptoed over to the door the voices were coming from before pausing. My nerd knowledge tells me that if I open this door without checking first there is a 75% chance it’ll be a fanservice scene, but the more practical realistic side of my brain says such a thing is completely bullshit and will rarely ever happen in real life.

I quickly came to a compromise of ‘It’s Yoshi, there’s nothing to see anyways and I’ll just have my memories removed’ before grabbing the handle of the door and sliding it to the side. “Yoooooooo- Okay what.”

In front of me was not Yoshi, but Himiko. The queen of Yamatai stared into space with soulless eyes, paper in front of her wet with drool as the girl’s higher brain functions seemingly had come to a halt.

“Well.” I declared, taking in the scene in front of me. “Guess I need to bury a body now.”

“Drifting... Drifting...” The pitiful voice came from Himiko’s mouth, yet I could hardly see it moving. “Haha... I can’t go on... Don’t stuff my head...”

If I could I’d play detective but I can’t think of anything to say. Hm, so we aren’t dealing with a dead body but the victim seems to have gone mad. References to stuff in her head...

Think, think, clearly her head is full of something but what? Getting closer, I carefully examined the paper on the desk.

Questions. So many questions, they ranged from history to literature to- Why the hell was there philosophy in here?! The questions were endless and what I once thought was a single piece of paper turned out to be a solid stack of them, all so close together that you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.

It was a student's worst nightmare, an exam review sheet that had no specific subject.

There could only be one culprit. “Yoshi.”

“I see a light... Father, Mother, is that you...? I want uiro-mochi with azuki beans...”

“Subject has gone delirious.” I stated. “Mind is probably recessing back to her earliest memories, her thoughts are chaotic and have no internal logic anymore. She is in the mouth of madness and there is only one cure.”

Then I poked the poor girl in the stomach.

“Fuya... Sweet, sweet...”

“Physical senses are off. Her mind must be separating itself from her body to escape the trauma. Next test...” Thoughts raced through my mind before I came to a conclusion. “Talking.”

And with that I placed my hand on her shoulder and whispered into her ear. “Himiko, Nobunaga is your mother.”

“NOOOOOOO!!!” Himiko went from comatose from barely touching the ceiling in a nanosecond. Then she landed face-first in the papers before raising her head, a wild look in her eyes. She frantically looked around until she caught sight of me. “Onii-san!? I just had the most horrible dream!”

...I could work with this.

“Dream? What dream?” Mock concern filled my face as I pretended to be as innocent as possible. “Oh no, you couldn’t have had a nightmare! We need to get you to Nobu-mama right away so that she can fix you right up!”

Her eyes widened even more she bolted out of her seat. “Eeeeeekk! I’m still dreaming! Heeelp!!”

She ran at the other door in the room, only for it to slide open and for a hand to stop the panicking girl by the forearm. “I don’t want to intrude between sibling bonding, but it’ll take all day at this rate.” Yoshi said with a calm expression. “You had your break, Himiko, so are you ready to continue?”

“What...what...” Himiko babbled in confusion. “Is this a nightmare? Or reality?”

“Caught in a landslide.” I sang, “No escape from reality~”

Hey she walked right into it.

“Stop it.” Yoshi sighed. “Alright, as an exception for today I’ll extend your break, Himiko. I need to talk with Miyafuji-san anyway.”

“Yoshitsune is being magnanimous? This is definitely a dream. But a good one.” And with that Himiko grabbed a nearby pillow and curled up on the floor, starting to snore almost immediately.

“You know, you could give Himiko positive reinforcements.” Yoshi began to arrange the papers back in order. “It would help her.”

“I could.” I noted, putting a finger up. “Buuuut she designated me as her older brother and as such I’m contractually obligated to mess with her in good humor. Also I don’t think I can say anything, I have no idea how you teach but back home almost every student universally agrees that school sucks, if for different reasons.”

“I was talking about praising her. She wouldn’t accept it from me.” She stated matter-of-factly. “So, I heard from Takeru that you would like for someone skilled in information gathering to join us. I asked around, and by luck found someone that fit the bill. I would like to introduce her to you.”

An “Oh?” escaped my lips as I sat down at the table, scooting away a bit from the sleeping queen. “That’s certainly helpful.”

Yoshi nodded. “You can come out.”

“Yes, ma’am!” A boyish, respectful voice suddenly came from above before someone seemed to suddenly appeared next to Yoshi. “I’ve come as requested!”

A green dress adorned her tiny frame as the new girl stared up at me from behind her glasses. Her hat, which should’ve reasonably fallen off a long time ago, sat perfectly on her head even though it had no grip at all. Over all, if I had to describe her, it would be an adult the size of a child.

So of course, taking everything into account, my reaction was perfectly valid. “Woah what the hell!? Where did you come from?!”

“I was on the roof. I was really dusty, so I took the opportunity to do some cleaning.”

“...The roof as in-” I pointed upwards at the ceiling. “Or the roof as in on top of the building?”
“The first right now, the second as I was making way through this place.” Was her immediate reply.

“Her name is Tadataka Inoue. No one in Zipang can rival her ability to gather intelligence.” Yoshi introduced her. “She offered herself on a certain condition, so I invited her here.”

“You know Yoshi, when I said I wanted information officers I didn’t expect for you to find a goddamn Ninja.” I sighed. “Right. Okay, give me a sec to process this... done. So uh, Tada... No Taka... No uh, bleh your last name is a mouthful. I’m just going to call you Tama. Anyways what was that condition you mentioned?”

“Tadataka. Ta-da-ta-ka. It’s not that difficult.” She pouted. “Is what I heard from Lady Yoshitsune about your goals for world conquest after unifying Zipang true?”

“Yep.” I nodded. “Someday all the light reaches will be ours. It probably won’t last if the incoming apocalypse that Himiko divined is true but... we don’t have a hard date on that and hey, world conquest.”

She blinked in confusion at the mention of ‘incoming apocalypse’ before continuing. “There’s something I am devoting my life to completing. I am a surveyor and cartographer: someday, I would like to make a map of the whole world. If Zipang succeeds in its conquest, I thought I might be able to carry out my wish as well.”

“In other words, in return for her service she wants us to allow her the freedom to map the entire world.” Yoshi added.

“...How detailed are we talking here?” I stared straight into the tiny girl’s (woman’s?) eyes. “Describe what you’d want this map to look like.”

“My best work. My magnus opus! Nothing but the best of my best will suffice!” She declared with fervor. “But it will not be a single map. That’s not efficient. First are the maps of the single territories, containing all the details needed for all types of professions, from military commanders to builders. Then bigger maps of single nations, with less details but important places and roads. Finally, after gathering everything together, it will be a map of the whole world: continents, islands, oceans, everything with perfect proportions! The first of its kind!”

Single territories?

...I’ll ask Yoshi about it later, for now there was a colossal dream in front of me. Maybe a bit too big, really.

“Basically you want to make a guidebook for the world.” I declared, “That’s... Quite something.”

“Thank you. A guidebook might be pushing it. I don't have the skills to gather and collect the mundane information that a traveller could have a need of. Of course, if someone will be able to do so using my maps it would me happy.”

“It’s... Doable I suppose.” I shrugged. “May need updating every decade or so but I don’t see why I wouldn’t let you make this map of yours.”

“Ah! Does that mean...?” She trailed off, her tone hopeful.

“Yep. Go nuts.”

She blinked. “You desire nuts?”

“I believe that was a way of saying ‘Yes, you have my permission’.” Yoshi informed her.

“Yessir!” Tama stood on attention. “I will work to serve you, my lord!”

“Ugh this is going to increase the paperwork by miles I can already tell.” I groaned. “Right, why don’t you go and do me a favor by estimating the cost of everything you’ll need?”

“...You mean,” She slowly began, her eyes wide. “The cost for the surveying equipment is covered apart from my pay?”

“I... Yes?” I asked hesitantly. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

A map of the world would be hella useful anyways. Or is she talking about the Intel gathering equipment? Fuck if I know.

“My Lord! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” Tama literally leaped at and hugged me. “I won’t need to take part-time jobs just to eat anymore!”

“Off Tama off!” I struggled. “Sheesh you’re reminding me of back home!”

“Yessir!” She jumped back and stood on attention again. “I’ll do the estimation you requested immediately!”

And with that she bolted out of the room, eager to get to work. The sound of happy footsteps trailed after her, leaving only me, Yoshi, and the surprisingly still sleeping Himiko left in the room.

“Alright, that just happened.” I stated, turning to Yoshi. “And it brought to my attention a really important subject. Namely that this timeline and my own seem to be more drastically different than I thought and I’m going to need a history lesson.”

“So, what are these single territories?”

===

Notes:

NNB: I feel like a puppet on strings. Is this what it’s like to fight against a fate set in stone? With my eyes blind to the water I can’t see the ripples in the pond.

NNB: Or in layman's terms, I can’t tell if I’m going off the rails or not.

Alex: Why are you assuming there are rails at all?

 

Chapter 12: We Will Rock You

====

So allow me to summarize the state of the world into one, very specific word: FUCKED.

All that hints about a world war currently going on is completely and totally true! And it’s, as far as I know, absolute chaos. As far as I know that is, because it turns out you can’t even have a city be part of, you know, a country. A territory is just a city, and a country's strength is measured by how many cities they control.

And you know what’s the kicker?! Nobody knows why this war is happening in the first place. There wasn’t a sort of ‘Initial Event’ it’s just war.

On a more funnier note King (Queen really) Arthur and her merry... Probably girls. Women? Hang on I need to fix that...

Ahem, Queen Arthur and her welcoming women? No that makes them sound like sluts, uh... giggling girls?

Shut up. Point is, King Arthur (Female) and the Round Table (Probably Female) also are running around ruling Britannia.

Which is not part of the EU.

...I admit that got a chuckle out of me the first time I heard it.

But anyways, it was only a few days after Tama’s introduction that Himiko and I were called for a meeting by Yoshi. Yamato and BenBen were strangely absent, but maybe they were just busy with training.

“It’s good you’re here.” Yoshi began after everyone sit down at the table. “Tadataka has something to report.”

“Yes sir!” The small woman began to take out one after the other reports and maps from the backpack and spread it on the table. “By Lady Yoshitsune’s request I started looking into the source of Lady Nobunaga’s muskets. Unfortunately I discovered that the merchants that sold them to her have left the country just around the time I took service here. Obviously this mean Lady Nobunaga cannot acquire more for the time being, but I also discovered she brought many of the latest models: not too many, since they’re expensive, but enough to significantly strengthen her main force, the gunmen.”

“Argh! We were doing so well too!” Himiko raged. “Ranged weapons are cheating! A man’s got to play fair and square!”

“But Himiko-” I begin, looking at the rest of the room with a ‘please don’t kill me for this’ look. “She doesn’t have the balls to do such a thing.”

“Exactly! She doesn’t have the-eek! No! A lady mustn’t say such crass things!” She blushed as I began to laugh in my spot of the room. “Oni-san! What are you making me say?!”

Yoshi sighed, already used to the by-play. “A good strategy can completely turn the tide of battle. Her strategy is pretty much brute force, though.”

“So what we need is a way to get rid of her muskets huh...” I crossed my arms. “I wonder... they have to be keeping their gunpowder somewhere right?”

“Actually, right now the soldiers that will use those muskets are training with them in a location separated from the main army.” Tama pointed to the map, her finger tapping over a small valley between Kyoto and Edo, before producing a more detailed map of that area. “If you want to attack, now it’s the time.”

“How we do that is going to be critical, though.” Yoshi pointed out. “We could use brute force, but it’s not advantageous to use up our resources like that. It could also end up in a draw.”

Hm...

An idea had already formed in my mind, what if-

“I know!” Himiko raised a hand. “We’ll wait for rain! Even the best guns will be rendered useless if soaking wet!”

“I... Don’t think that’s how muskets work.” I interrupted. “I mean they might jam but at the same time... Yeah no I really don’t think they’d be rendered useless in the rain. Plus we have no idea how long waiting for the rain could take. It could be somewhere between after I finish this sentence and the next month.”

And then it started raining.

...Just kidding, it was still sunny.

Himiko wasn’t ready to admit defeat. “Then, how about luring them in a forest or a mountain? We’ll be sure to win if they can’t use their guns!”

“I’m sure she’s aware of that, and I don’t think she’ll be foolish enough to send troops out like that. We’re up against Nobunaga, Himiko. It’s not going to be simple.” Yoshi explained.

The red-clad girl slapped a hand on the table. “Well, how about... I can’t think of anything else... Ugh.” She fell on her back and lied there, arms spread.

“Well...” I stared at Himiko. “I have a semblance of a plan. More like the barebones of one. Do we know the route their using to get to NobuNobu Nobu?”

Yoshi gave me an unamused look while Tama put little poles with flag around the possible routes. “Actually, I also have an idea. Let’s hear your first.”

“Right, sorry if it’s just really simple but basically we put traps all along the route their moving with and have some troops surround them.” I suggested. “Then we kill them all with the traps and the remaining survivors with the tropes surrounding the area. Than we go in and loot the corpses for their guns and supplies.”

“Must you really make it sounds like what a bandit would do?” Yoshi sighed. She was doing that a lot recently. “Traps sound good, but with the ‘surrounding’ part we run again in the same problem: how to prevent them from using their guns before they are within the range of our weapons. My turn: look at this map.”

She put the tip of her finger over the bigger map of the area, pointing to a mountain. “We’ll attack from here.” Her finger moved to the side, past a slope and into the pole with Nobunaga’s symbol. “Like this.”

“Listen well Himiko, this is how you rule a country.” I nodded sagely. “Have other people do your work for you, it works almost every time.”

And then I sighed, “Also I... What? Is there some sort of military thing I’m missing here? Didn’t you just say brute force wasn’t going to work? Uh, I’m not the only one totally confused on what Yoshi’s plan is right?”

“This is not brute force, this is an ambush with a reasonable amount of risk from a direction they would never expect to be used as such.” She calmly replied with a polite smile. “Moving into position without alerting them will require a good amount of hiking, so they will never consider someone going through all the trouble.”

“Ah, see, one problem there.” I interrupted. “The moment they see us we’re dead. You didn’t even address your own problem correctly, it’d take maybe five seconds at maximum for them to fill us with so much lead we’d practically be swiss cheese. And we don’t even have to be close, they’d still have the long range advantage. We’d be safer, I don’t know, rolling boulders down that mountain.”

She stared at you, the silence stretching before she blinked, an impressed look entering her eyes. “That is actually a very good idea. Well done Chen-san, you found the perfect solution.”

“Er, you're joking right.” I poked Tama with my leg just to catch her attention. “I can’t tell if this is sarcasm or not. Tama help.”

“Well, if we roll down boulders and then follow after them, then even if the Nobunaga troops shoot the bullets will hit the boulders and not our men.” She replied after a brief consideration. “Not to mention, who would stay and fire at a landslide coming at them?”

“Tama you did not answer the question.” I replied dumbly. “Tama.”

“My name is Tadataka.” She pouted. “And I don’t think Lady Yoshitsune is using sarcasm.”

“I’m not.” Yoshi confirmed with a nod.

“Well than, Reality has crashed. I might as well join Himiko in the Himiko corner.” My hand started knocking against my head as an idea came to me and the words fell out of my lips. “Buddy your boy make a big noise playin in the street gonna be a big man someday. Ya got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin your can all over the place.”

“I like this plan!” Himiko suddenly stood up, a big grin on her face. “Nobunaga will never see this coming!”

“Traps and small ambushes along the escape paths can be useful to make sure we don’t miss survivors. If we do all of this, our chances of success are quite good.” Yoshi smiled. “Objections?”

“No.” Himiko and Tama both replied.

And it was at that moment I went off the deep end.

My hands banged on the table twice before clapping. “We will we will rock you! C’mon sing it! We will we will rock you!”

The answers from the girls were as follow: “No.”, “I respectfully decline.”, “It’s embarrassing.”. Guess who’s who?

“Buddy.” I began, “You’re a young man, hard man, gonna take on the word someday. You got blood on your face, you big disgrace, wavin your banner all over the place!”

And with that I threw my hands up in the air and walked out of the room. “We will we will rock you!”

We did actually use those boulders against the muskets anyways, and it took me a bit but I managed to get the soldiers to chant the song as well.

The girls were glaring at me the entire time though.

====

NNB: I probably apologized to Yoshi and Tama later.

Alex: You better be.

NNB: Shut up and face the Queen.

 

Chapter 13: In My Life

====

It was a dark and actually clear night as I stumbled into my room. Time? Who knows, I haven’t looked at the clock in ages. Paper work paper work...

“Ugh my fucking hand.” I groaned, falling onto my bed with a flat thump. “Stupid fucking numbers... hurry up and invent a calculator already you guys blrgh.”

It was when I turned my head that I caught sight of a piece of paper lying next to the bed that I was...fairly sure hasn’t been there last time. A note from Yoshi? No wait it’s Yamato’s handwriting. Please, let it not be more work... With my still working hand I picked up and read it.

“Midnight, the plains beyond the hill. Come alone.”

...Well that didn’t sound ominous. Or Suspicious.

Nope, no siree.

With a sigh I picked myself off my bed and grabbed my sword and armour. Midnight is at... Fuck it I could wait.

Still, every inch of my body screamed ‘danger’ so...

“Huh,” I mumbled, glancing around the room. “I wonder if we have any muskets I could use...”

====

With heavy footsteps, sword on my waist, and a musket strapped on my back I arrived at the planes. The once green fields now washed with black, the only illumination being the light of the full moon shining down on the field.

And every single moment I spent out here pricked my instincts with the poison of danger and traces of fear. A part of my mind told me that I should’ve just ignored the note but I at least trusted Yamato to not lead me into a trap.

...Wait no that’d totally be something she’d do. Crap.

The faint wind fluttered against my armor as I instantly drew my sword in response. The world drew to a still as I held my guard, breathing slightly faster than before.

And yet nobody was here.

This was a mistake why did I come out here? Was it a distraction? A test? Or just Yamato being Yamato?

“Good. Never let your guard down.” And then, of course, the moment I thought that her voice came from outside my field of vision. My body moved immediately, as I instantly moved away from where I stood until I was facing the direction of the voice a good five steps away from where I last stood. I let my eyes scan over the area in search of an attack.

Paranoia mode: 100%

“Your speed and level of attention to your surroundings are adequate. But there is a better way to handle surprise attacks. Moves should flow into each other: let me show you my combination.”

From the corner of my eye I noticed a glint of light and I barely had time to move my upper body out of the way before the slicing of air reached my ears and Yamato’s sword was revealed in the moonlight. However, as soon as I had positioned myself to face the purple haired warrior, she had already gone for another blow and the only thing I could do was block it with my sword.

“First, you break your opponent’s stance and stop their movements. Dance, O Flame.”

FUCKING HELL HER SWORD IS ON FIRE AND IT’S SO CLOSE AHHHH!!!

I barely managed to work through the panic attack in time to half step back, thankfully Yamato’s sword just kept burning instead of exploding or something. I went and pulled my musket out just in case, this close I should be able to hit her either way.

The flames finally revealed Yamato’s full body: despite being stone-faced she shot me and the musket a brief look of amusement. “Even a master of battle cannot defend if his stance has been undone. That’s when you strike and end the battle. Remember that. Take form, Tsumugari no Tachi!”

Aw crap, you know you’re fucked when Yamato breaks out the weeb speak. As soon as the flaming sword of doom started heading my way I instantly squeezed the trigger of musket on reflex. A loud clang rang through out the air as Yamato blocked the bullet with her still flaming sword and continued to slash and it was all I could do to recover from the recoil and use the musket to block the strike before using my sword hand to thrust at Yamato’s chest.

The still hot as fuck sword of Yamato cut straight through the musket and pushed my own blade away from her chest. Then she turned the edge of her sword towards me.

I tensed up.

And then relax when she stepped back and sheathed her weapon. “You pass. Trying to use the musket wasn’t a smart move, but you still handled the beginning well.”

“I mean to be fair, I totally expected this to be a back alley ambush. I bought everything I could think of.” I stared at the molten gun. “Also you made us lose a musket, do you remember how many boulders we had to roll to get these things?”

“That’s fine, I was talking about using it as a shield. And why is it my fault that you chose one of the expensive models you didn’t even pay for?” She raised an eyebrow, the beginning of a grin on her face, before turning serious again. “I wanted to show you everything I’ve got. It wouldn’t be long before I am unable to use my full power. Before that happens...I wish to pass all of my skills to you. Chen Miyafuji: my cheeky, dear apprentice.”

“And thus unknowingly, Yamato triggered the moment of her death.” I spoke off to the side dramatically. “So does ‘All your skills’ include that... Flaming Sword of Doom that you’ve used to try and cut me down? Repeatedly?”

“Yes. How about it? Are you up for it?” She said as if it was the most natural thing to do.

“Sure. Teach me the Tsumi... Er, Tsumiga... Fuck it. Teach me the Shining Finger Sword.”

“Tsumugari no Tachi. It’ll not be easy, but I know you-Gah...!” She began, only to fall to her knees just like the last time.

I pinched my nose and sighed. “Just sit down, you’re going to actually hurt yourself if you go overboard so start resting and you can tell me how to do it from there.”

“I am...fine. Mostly.” Yamato moved into a proper sitting position. She waited until her breathing returned to normal before speaking again. “Teaching you can wait until tomorrow. There is something I need to say, and it’s going to be long. Sit.”

I instantly dropped to the ground and crossed my legs, staring Into Yamato’s eyes. “My first guess is this is the story of how you got your injuries, my second is that I have no clue what is going to come out of your mouth.”

“The second is the closest one. As you know, Zipang used to be one nation. Himiko, Yoshitsune and Nobunaga governed their respective areas. There used to be a King of Zipang to rule over them, but now that the King is gone they’re fighting each other.”

“Technically at this point it’s just ‘everyone gang up on NobuNobu’ time but go on.”

She raised her sword, slightly pulling it out with her thumb to show you the katana’s blade. “This is the Kusanagi. Ever heard of it?”

“The name sounds familiar but... Nope.”

“It’s an ancient blade that has been passed among the rulers of Zipang through generations. Only the King of Zipang can draw and use it.”

“But you just- Oh I see where this is going.” How do you even react to this... “Well, this situation could be worse. You could’ve just drawn the blade and go ‘This is the Muramasa and now I must take your life!’.”

“Oh, that one? They destroyed it after the last owner killed someone important. Too wild of a weapon.” She shrugged. “I guess I used to be the ruler of Zipang.”

“How does that Blade even tell who’s the ruler anyways? Like if centuries from now Zipang changed it’s form of government from monarchy to democracy will the blade only be drawn by the... Descendent or apprentice line of the ruler or the one with the most political power?”

It’s really an important question, strange swords that only you can draw are not a good reason to be king of a government ya’know.

“I don't know. I don't have any memories of my supposed time as a ruler.” She said with complete seriousness. “I don’t know if there was a battle or some trouble, because I don’t remember it, but apparently I went missing. After a while, Himiko found me fallen on a riverbed and carried me back to her mansion. I heard I was ruling over Zipang from Yamatai since it’s my home region...I don’t remember any of it, though. Everyone, including me, thought that my memories would return after a while, but there is no sign of it doing so. Only bits and pieces, like details about people that apparently were close to me like Yoshitsune.”

“So wait, I’m confused here. Do you have like, complete amnesia or do you have memories until a certain point before they stop and the next thing you know Himiko found you in a river?”

“I only know that I am Yamato Takeru. My parents, my childhood, my time as a King...nothing. Not only that, but I came back with a strange mystery.” And in that moment the former ruler of Zipang takes my hand and places it over her heart. A sentence that might sound romantic until I realized one thing.

It wasn’t beating.

“Ooooh!” I let out an exclamation. “You’re a zombie. Or, maybe you're still human living on borrowed time. Or maybe you’re a magical construct in the shape of Yamato Takeru with only a few fractured memories from the real Yamato Takeru and you’re slowly breaking down. Actually... Huh, I can think of a lot of answers to this. No offense to you I mean.”

“None taken. At this point knowing the truth, even if unpleasant, is preferable to fumbling around in the darkness.” She shrugged. “Also...”

She took out something from her clothes and showed it to me: a rectangular pendant, with a golden edge and a blue gem in the middle. On both sides were two rings to pass a cord through.

“Okay, um.” I blinked. “Is there something special about this pendant? Besides it mysteriously showing up on you and no one knows about it?”

“Himiko said I was holding it tight. It probably has something to do with my loss of memory. I searched all I could, but it doesn’t seem to have any meaning known to others.” She put it away. Called it. “I don’t know what will become of me in the future. There are no wounds, but this body is slowly losing strength. That’s why, I’ve already decided to sit out of the final battle with Nobunaga and go back to Yamatai to rest. Sorry, I just don’t want to make Himiko cry.”

"I... It’s fine.” My fist clenched tight, nails digging into the skin. “Thanks... For telling me. Now I know why you suddenly died out of nowhere if it happens.”

She slapped my arm. Hard. “Idiot. I’m doing this precisely to avoid dying out of nowhere. I am not that weak yet.” Well thanks for fucking telling me you’re living on a goddamn timer! Her tone grew somber. “Do you know of the catastrophe Himiko had a vision of?”

“Of course.”

“Yes. That, and another reason, are why I decided I’d protect Himiko, despite having no memories. But, maybe because of my body’s condition, the Kusanagi gets more and more worn out with every battle. Just like myself...” She shook her head. “I don’t want to fall before her eyes. If I stay on the frontlines, it’s going to happen eventually. I was left with no option but to retire without saying why. Where I should have been called a traitor, she told me to stay there so she could keep trying to convince me otherwise.”

Yamato made a fond smile. “...She’s a kind girl. She probably thought I would feel guilty and disappear, so she made it so I couldn’t leave instead.”

“I see.” I mumbled silently, looking off into the distance.

Yamato was going to die. It was a fact that hit me like a stone, sinking me into a place I didn’t even know I could go before.

I knew, reasonably, that everybody was going to die some day. I did not think that I was going to live forever, not when I’ve seen how easily it is to take human lives, but the fact remained that I was still growing. Still aging and maturing, my natural death still decades away from now.

Yamato wasn’t like that. She was dying and every time she fought she got closer and closer to the edge. Well, it wasn't the first time I’ve had something or even someone die on me. Both my uncle and various pets that I loved have vanished from my life during my time on this earth, hell you could even count my grandpa if baby time counts (though I didn't have any mommies of him being, you know, a baby), but still all those felt... different.

They were old, faded memories that I could scarcely even recall at this point. There in pact was gone and I had moved on, and yet...

...Yet I could remember Yamato, from the moment we met until this point. I could hardly even imagine her not being by our side but here she was, going to go to the other side of the goddamn country and any communication would be slowed down by the fact that this wasn't modern day.

She was going to be gone.

Before I became Chen Miyafuji, did I even have someone like this? I had friends and family... Yet why can’t I remember how we met for any of them? Why is it just so easy to forget their existence?!

Yamato... I know she’ll disappear soon so, for both her and my sake, I need something to remember her by.
“Tomorrow morning.” I began. “Tomorrow you’re going to start teaching me the Tsumugari no Tachi and we’re going to continue this training every morning until I have it down.”

“Of course. Prepare yourself: the time we have is limited, so we mustn’t waste even a second.” She chuckled. “I like Himiko. She’s like a little sister, or a granddaughter...It’s that kind of feeling. And you’re like the rebellious niece that always cause problems, but eventually grow on everyone. I want to get rid of Himiko’s fear and sadness, but I...sorry, I must ask you to carry out my wish.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not a pro-” I paused before I realized something. “Wait crap what was your wish again?”

“Ah, good. You’re still you. I thought my words were too depressing.” She observed. “I only wish for you to protect and support Himiko. She’s not as strong as she likes to appear: she’s doing her best to stand on her own two feet, but she’s scared and uncertain inside. She needs someone to support her, and you can be that someone. That’s why-”

She removed the sheathed Kusanagi from her belt and held it out to me. “This sword. It’s yours now.”

With no hesitation at all I took the blade from her hands before I felt a jolt from both it and the crystal sword. A sharp sound seemed to pierce the air as I tried to unsheathed the slightly heavier blade only to find that it wouldn't budge.

“Huh. So I guess it’s not mine than?” I stared at the sword. “Wait if we win the fight against Edo wouldn't Himiko be the one to use it since she’d technically be the ruler of Zipang - Oh god Himiko’s going to be the ruler of Zipang.”

“I thought it might respond, but I guess it didn’t. I don’t know if it would work for Himiko even if she unifies Zipang...honestly, even if she has the right she’ll probably need to mature a lot more before that. I trust you, Yoshitsune and the others to reign on her until then.”

Yamato stood up and offered a hand which I gladly took. “Thanks, though you may have just doomed us all. And well... Kusanagi’s mine now anyway, you trusted me with it so I’m not just going to give it away. Also are you supposed to get the heebee jeebees when you touch it?”

“I have no idea what you mean with those-” Her eyes widened. “Wait, did you feel something when you took the sword? Kusanagi didn’t react in any way, so I thought you weren’t chosen...”

“Yeah I don’t really know what it was about.” I stared at the swords in my hands. “The moment I touched it both it and my crystal sword sent this weird feeling up my arm and a sharp sound reached my ears. So... Uh, is that good or bad?”

“I don’t know. Let me see your crystal sword.” She said, not even bothering with my response as she instantly took it from my hands. “I always found it a little strange, but since you said you didn’t know where it came from I never... No way.” She loudly breathed out, shock evident on her features. “It matches, but there is no way...”

“What? Is it some lost magic artifact? Because if so I’m probably going to need to get my armor checked out as well just in case.” Hm, I wonder if I could use Kusanagi as a club...

“If I am correct it is lost, yes, but much more than a simple magic artifact.” She looked me in the eyes. “Legends have that the Kusanagi was given to the first King of Zipang by the God Susanoo. He found it within the belly of a great eight-headed serpent, called Yamata-No-Orochi, that was causing strife to the people of Zipang: after killing it he started cutting its body, only for his sword to break when striking the chest. Within it he found the Kusanagi.”

She held up vertically my crystal blue sword. “This, unless it’s the best fake I have ever seen, is the Totsuka: the divine blade of Susanoo that was supposed to have been broken.”

I took back the sword and held it up vertically myself, the blade glistening in the moonlight. “Totsuka huh? So you’re saying this blade could even cut the Yamata-No-Orochi itself?”

And then I laughed. Oh I laughed. For minutes I just laughed in the silence that followed before I could respond again. “AHAHAHAHA! Oh the gods are bastards. Giving me a divine blade that’s supposed to be broken? Ha!”

Perhaps the next moment was the stupidest thing I did in my life as I raised the blade up to the full moon. “Well?! Are you not entertained?!”

I didn't know what I was looking for but whatever divine power was out there, they did nothing to respond.

Well, I had already expected as much.

====

Notes:

Alex: Were you asking to be smitten?

NNB: THIS IS YAMATAIIIIIIIIIII!!

 

Chapter 14: House of the Rising Sun

====

It was the middle of the afternoon around two weeks later when we finally came face to face with Nobunaga’s army. Our banners held high as we sized each other up.

Meanwhile I was trying to get the fucking sun out of my eyes. Damn you NobuNobu! To turn nature against me!

“I have to hand it to Nobunaga. She’s set up her formation to be able to respond to an attack from any direction.” Himiko commented, her face uncharacteristically serious as she witnessed the enemy army in front of us.

“It’s our job to break that apart.” Yoshitsune declared. “I don’t think we can use any cheap trick on Nobunaga. Our only strategy is to fight head-on.”

“That is true.” Tama observed. “Lady Nobunaga chose the battlefield well: surprise attacks are impossible from every direction, and all other roads to Edo are blocked. This is the only place where we can fight her.”

“Leave the front-line charge to Benkei!” The weapon-loving girl boasted. “Even if the enemy comes ‘Graaahh!’ at me, I’ll just go ‘Booom!’ and blow them away!”

“...So uh, who’s doing what?” I asked. “BenBen’s in the front, Tama’s not fighting… I’m going to be the one facing NobuNobu aren’t I?”

“Incorrect! I’ll fight too!” Tama announced before an unit of honest-to-god ninja appear behind her. “I’ll direct our cover forces to harass the enemy with shuriken. We have quite a lot of them...and my name is Tadataka!”

“SINCE WHEN WERE YOU AN ACTUAL NINJA!?”

“Since the beginning! Sir, why are you so surprised?” She was shocked. “How can I be a good cartographer without knowing how to move around undetected?”

“Well I mean, it’s more for the gag-Shutting up now.” Someone has to be the tsukkomi and it certainly isn’t going to be Himiko. “So Tama’s… doing Tama things, what about you Yoshi?”

“I’ll handle the sidelines.” She replied. “As far as I can see Nobunaga’s long ranged units are all muskets. If you and Benkei keep the attention of their frontlines troops, I should be able to move around them and disarm the musketeers.” She replied. “It’s a simple tactic, but against Nobunaga is the one with the most chances of success.”

“Alrighty then, now that we all know what we’re doing let’s try not to die and kick some ass in the process.” I declared. “Good luck yo!”

Now where did I put that spare musket…

“Oni-san!” But before I could find Himiko pointed at the enemy army. “Look!”

A lone rider on a horse was approaching.

“That...Looks like the enemy general has made her appearance.” Yoshi softly commented.

"You've done well to come this far. I'll praise you for that." Those were the rider's opening words. Despite her bold and assured aura the praise sounded genuine.

Pink hair flowed down from her neck all the way down to her legs as she sat on her horse, seemingly looking down on us. Her armour was black with red fire seemingly burned on it and…

“Himiko.” I asked. “Who is that?”

“We’re finally caught up to you, Nobunaga!” Was her answer, more directed at the new arrival than me. “You can’t run now!”

“Wait wait wait.” Nope, nu-uh, not happening. “That’s Nobunaga?”

“That’s my line. You are all about to be soundly defeated by me.” She gave a cocky smile. “And you must be the so-called Servant of Heaven. Nice to meet you: by this point I should have already been able to unify Zipang, but because of you my plans are all ruined.”

“...I’m sorry but I can’t take you seriously WHILE YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE A GODDAMN STRIPPER!”

Yeah, no joke, for all I said about her armour it was basically just the chestplate with some add-ons. No under armour, no nothing. It’s like she grabbed the first piece of armour she could find and was too lazy to put on everything else.

“What did you say?! You damn brat, who you’re calling a stripper!” She yelled in anger.

“It’s not my fault you’re not even wearing pants! Why would you do that you’re on a goddamn horse!” I roared back. “Are you just getting off by the feeling of it between your legs?!”

She snorted in mild amusement. “As if a brat like you could know anything about getting off. Nor could he appreciate fashion.” She crossed her arms. “For your information, this is the latest trend that’s all the rage in Europe. Pants are pointless pieces of clothes, and therefore unneeded.”

I snapped my fingers as I realization hit me. “Oh you’re one of those people! The kind of person who tries so hard to be European it’s cringeworthy! Sorry old lady but just because it’s in fashion to walk around with a slap of clothing on your crotch halfway across the world doesn’t mean you can do it anywhere! After all, it just makes you look desperate!”

“I’m not old!” She snapped. “Youuuu! When I finish beating your collective ass I’ll personally teach you a lesson!”

“Oni-san! You must win! You absolutely must win!” Himiko told me in a panicked tone. “Nobunaga is a deviant! The last time I lost to her she...she…”

“THAT WAS ALL IN YOUR MIND! You just started fantasizing out of the blue, talking about whips and candles! It was creepy!” Nobunaga shot back. “Who the hell do you think I am?!”

Hey hey do you want to get us taken down for copyright infringement!?

“It’s okay Himiko, I see now.” I patted the miko’s shoulder. “Not only is she getting desperate because of her age, but she’s so much of a pervert that she drives any potential suitor she could have away! It’s a combination made in hell and now she can only take her frustrations out on enemy soldiers!”

Yoshi and the rest of the soldiers seemed caught between gaping like a fish and laughing like hyenas. Some were doing both.

Nobunaga narrowed her eyes in a glare cold enough to freeze even the devil’s ass. “...I’m a hair’s breath from coming down and throttle you myself, so it’s better I leave now. But remember this! My name is Oda Nobunaga! They call me the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, Ruler of the Realm of Desire! Tenka Fubu! Ruling over this world is my divine calling! I will consume all obstacles in my path, and make them my own! Come at me, Himiko Army! Servant of Heaven! If you think you can beat me, then go ahead and try!”

And with that she galloped back to her own army.

I looked at my own army who were all staring at me wide eyed with various emotions on their face. “...Well if she makes a silly speech like that we’re contractually obligated to knock her down a peg. Let’s kick some ass men!”

“Benkei, please make sure to protect Chen-kun.” Yoshi sighed. “Since he has but guaranteed that Nobunaga will personally target him with extreme prejudice.”

“Leave it to me!”

“Eheheheheh!” Himiko, by contrast, was laughing evilly.” Yes! Yes! Run with your tail between your legs! Amazing, Oni-san! You even made that gorilla woman retreat! And the best has yet to come!”

“Oh yes.” A grin manifested itself on my face as I let the rush of emotions I felt expand into one point in my hand before a ball of fire busted into existence on my palm. “This will be fun.”

====

Contrary to what I initially thought, magic isn’t the result of arcane forces doing arcane things. Nope, instead all you need is two things: A Strong Mind and a Strong Emotion.

That’s literally it, apparently with a strong enough mind and the emotion to fuel it you can bend the laws of reality to your whim. Of course that’s not as easy as it sounds, I myself still haven’t managed to set my sword on fire and swing it but I could generate loads of fire.

See while some people might draw out their feelings of anger, Justice, or whatever else I’ve managed to call upon a much more… Easier emotion? I don’t know if anyone else has done this but the feeling I use to fuel my Brave is Adrenalin.

The feeling of standing against the edge, the sheer rush of battle, I am literally setting things on fire with my boiling blood.

...Note to self: Don’t say that out loud. Anyways, the sense of rush I get boosts my power and that means all rushes.

Including shit talking.

I mean yeah I’d still say what I did anyways but thanks to that I got enough adrenalin to start off with at the beginning of the battle. Hopefully that’ll make a difference.

So it was with sword in hand, sword-club, and musket on my back did I enter the battlefield ready to raise hell.

While hiding behind BenBen’s units as they charged forward.

As Yoshi suspected Nobunaga chose me as a target right from the start. The opposite troops of enemy samurai parted, revealing the pink-haired stripper pointing a fancy red musket, probably custom-made, in my direction with a grin that almost literally requested for my blood. The many, many musketeers behind her were also doing the same.

“Here I go! Chaaarge!” BenBen’s unit marched forward. She was using the many weapons on her persona as an impromptu barrier, while the guys under here were all wearing heavy armor: not completely bulletproof, but thick enough to let them handle everything but a lucky shot.

“Kill all the ones they miss!” I yelled at my own men. “Don’t leave a single one alive!”

“...You mean those that Benkei-sama’s troops miss, right?” A random soldier asked with a strange look on his face.

“I- Yes!” Holy shit. “Why would we kill our own men?!"

“Because-” The rest of his words was drown out by the roar of Nobunaga’s muskets all shooting at the same time.

“...Oh.” I mumbled as I watched the men who didn’t get knocked down charge forward. “Fair point. You think we have enough muskets to shoot the musketeers down between the gaps of BenBen’s troops?”

...Actually why didn’t I just shoot Nobu from here?

“I honestly don’t know. I mean, there must be a reason why we don’t have mixed troops.” His eyes were darting back and forth, on edge for anything trying to end his life.

“Organizational purposes really. Hold on a sec.” I sheathed my sword and grabbed my musket, pointing it at the old lady giving me a glare before pulling the trigger and firing at her horse. The sound of the gun booming through the air as the recoil reached my arms. It was only a few seconds later did the horse began to go wild, only for Nobu to jump off the beast and line up a shot and- “WOAH SHIT!”

I barely had any time to dodge as a bullet came flying right at me, hitting my right shoulder though not piercing through the arm. It was definitely going to leave a bruise though. I spit in the dirt. “Sorry no time to talk I’m on the move!”

Grit through the pain grit through the pain grit through the pain- DODGE!

“Jesus Christ!” I exclaimed as I picked myself into back of something of a combat stance. I shot another bullet in the direction that the last explosion came from, the pink haired women also somehow managing to slip through the crowd.

Before I knew it we had begun hunting each other in the battlefield, each of us cutting through the tide of soldiers like a knife, shooting each other whenever we caught a glimpse of the other and stabbing the enemy soldiers as we made our way through the war's ground.

Unfortunately the name of the game is ammo and I didn’t have time, and maybe even supplies, to go for a reload. Which only meant one thing: I needed to go close range.

“You’re a lousy shot! Who taught you, a blind man?” Nobunaga laughed, kicking a soldier in the balls and stepping over him. Her red musket was hanging on her back, while she wielded a normal musket in her right hand and a sword in the other. “I’ll use your sorry ass as target practice, who knows you may learn something too.”

I pointed at the pink haired women before twirling my finger around and yelling back. “Teach me Grandma Nobu!”

And then I ducked as another bullet grazed my arm. Well it’s apparently officially cat season now!

Still, can’t afford to waste shots…

Nobu let out an incoherent scream of rage as I ducked in between fights, stabbing anyone who was wearing Edo armour before ducking out again.

“COME BACK HERE!” Nobu screamed again, shooting and slashing like a madwoman. “I’LL TEACH YOU RESPECT EVEN IF I HAVE TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR-!”

“Now I’m mad!” That was when BenBen rammed into Nobu with a weapon that I could only describe as a very large, spiked metal cylinder on top of a shaft. “Ben-kei Smash!”

Haha yes! Plan understood, hell yeah!

The ground below me literally burst into flames as I let out my Brave, getting higher and higher the closer I got to the scantily-clad women. My hands instantly sheathed my sword and musket as I blazed through the battle ground, the soldiers dodging out of the way or being burnt alive as I grabbed the only weapon I hadn’t used yet.

“So you want to conquer Zipang huh?!” The sound of my voice roared throughout the battlefield as I caught sight of Nobu who had barely managed to save her fall at the cost of her musket and a cracked armour. “Well allow me to help! Kusanagi Blow!”

In that instant, before she could realize it, I used the sword that choose the emperor of Zipang to bash the would-be conqueror in the head. She tried to block with her arms in a hazy attempt to stop the blow but the armour on her arm broke as a horrible cracking sound ringed throughout the air. Her legs seemingly turned into noodles as she dropped to the ground trembling, revealing burnt and bleeding flesh where my blow hit.

“First, I cannot believe Yamato gave you the Kusanagi.” She hissed between gritted teeth, her glare hotter than even my flames. “Second HOW COULD YOU USE IT AS A CLUB??!”

“Hey hey.” I complained, sitting on my defeated opponent's back with a thump. “It makes a very effective club. Also BenBen, up top!”

“Yay!” She raised a hand and slapped mine. “NobuNobu defeated! Nobu!”

“Who’s NobuNobu?!”

“You’re NobuNobu silly. Nobu.”

“What is this...Just what is this?! I got beat up...by a bunch of immature braaaaaatsss!!!” She yelled in denial and frustration. “Damn it! Damn iiiiiittt!!”

“Ha! Trust me, any dreams you had of epic battles and glorious victories were snatched away from you the moment you took my bait.” I grinned. “I mean really, how did you forget that you weren't fighting one but two commanders, is your age getting to you? Ah well, that’s not important ‘cause now…”

I put away the Kusanagi and pulled out the Totsuka again, stabbing it into the dirt. “Now we’ve reached a conundrum. See you’re useful, very useful. Not only do you have access to the only musket trade, you also are still good at your job as a commander. So here’s the deal, you surrender to the Himiko Army and become part of Yamatai, uniting Zipang in the process while also joining us on a happy bout of world conquest or you can refuse and I’ll stab your guts out while any dreams of conquest will die with you, alone with only a single territory to your name. Now what’ll it be?”

“You’re a ruthless little shit. Well, I can appreciate the attitude.” She snorted, showing admirable self-control as she ignored the pain from her injuries. “I give up, I give up. If I leave you alone I’m worried you and Himiko will mess up, so I’m joining you. Now, could you get the fuck up?! You’re heavy!”

“BenBen keep an eye on her.” I instructed the girl. “Now uh, what to do… Oh right, VICTOREEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!”

====

Notes:

Alex: Achievement unlocked: “Use Oda Nobunaga as a Chair”. Congrats.

NNB: And that’s all the territories in Zipang captured. Give me another one.

Alex: It’s only a bronze-

NNB: Don’t care 100% completion or bust.

 

BAKASMURF, THIS IS AN HONEST WARNING: DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER AND THE REST OF THE THREAD, IT CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR FATE/STAY NIGHT!

=====

Chapter 15: Fallout Boy

====

It was in the middle of the march back, about two weeks after the battle of Yamatai and one grumbling NobuNobu being dragged with us, later that Himiko decided to confront me along the road.

“Oni-san?” Himiko asked as the afternoon sun glared down on me. “Can we talk?”

“...Sure?” I shrugged. “Whaddya want to talk about?”

“You see, Zipang’s finally been unified...And now that even Nobunaga’s joined us, our next battles seem like they’ll be easier.” She began. “It’s going to get busy for a while, but once Zipang settles down we can move on to the rest of the world.”

She smiled. “This is all thanks to you, Oni-san. It’s thanks to you being there that we’re made it this far. Thank you.”

“Um, I… Your welcome?” Er, how to respond to that… “I mean, I don’t know what I did beyond beating up Yoshi, annoying the hell out of NobuNobu before beating her up even worse, and like, almost all of the paper work after the Kyoto debacle but you’re welcome anyways I guess.”

“It is a big deal!” She insisted. “Not only me, but Takeru and the others… It probably wouldn’t have been possible to unify Zipang with just my strength alone.”

“So why are you bringing this up now?” My eyes locked with hers but I only continued to give noncommittal shrugs. “We helped yeah but it’s not something you really need to thank us for. We all did it together, even NobuNobu. Her role was being someone to make fun of.”

“It’s always fun to see her get worked up, isn’t it?” She giggled before her face turned somber. “When I was younger...I was just a sheltered girl whose only merit was divination. But I was able to ‘see’ at will back then...Until my mother died. Perhaps you already know, but Takeru has lost all memories of her past.”

“And she's clinically dead but yeah, I have.” A sigh escaped my lips, as I silently turned back to the road towards Yamatai.

“Yes, she-What do you mean clinically dead?!” Himiko shrieked.

“Wait you didn’t know?!” I whipped my head towards her. “She literally has no heartbeat! I thought you knew!”

“I thought she was feeling the aftereffects of whatever happened to her after she went missing!” She grabbed on the neck of my clothes. “When? What! How?!”

“I don’t know! All I know is that ever since you found her she has literally not had a heartbeat and…” My face grew somber as the news hit me again, “And... “

“Since then?! But how, people need a beating heart! But she was fine until now...” Her voice turned frantic. “That must mean, it’s not too late! To all units: start walking faster! No, start running! We must return to Yamatai-”

“Why do you think she didn’t join us for the fight take Edo.” I interrupted. “She’s not dying… majorly. I… How do I even say this?”

She whirled to face me, more than one hint of steel in her eyes. “We need to get her a doctor! And a mage I guess….Aargh! The point is, we can’t just let things as they are! I refuse to lose Takeru a second time!”

“You don’t think I know that?!” I barked back before wincing. “I… thought you knew. I thought you knew about it and the reason for her retirement.”

“...Stupid Takeru.” She pouted, tears forming on the corners of her eyes. “Staying silent about something like this...”

After that we ended up doubling our pace to get back to Yamatai as soon as possible. I suspected Yamato was soon due to a mighty scolding from Himiko. Probably due to keeping something like this secret as to not to stress her out or something equally as dumb.

Bah, Hero Club Rule Number Four: If you’re troubled, talk to someone. Words to live by.

====

“What’s up with Himiko?” Nobunaga suddenly asked when we were close to the capital. She pointed to the miko, who was skipping ahead. “She’s been antsy since a few days. And she also increased the army’s pace.”

“I…” My mind raced back to the scene with Himiko. “I don’t think you have the clearance to know?”
Himiko was close to Yamato sure but NobuNobu was essentially a stranger as far as I knew.

“Ah? What’s that supposed to mean?” She scowled. “I swear, you and Himiko could be real blood siblings by how much you’re alike. You’re both annoying as hell.”

“Alright, alright. That’s enough.” Yoshi interrupted. “Yamatai’s in sight! Let’s get there quick so we can find out what the problem is.”

“Well I mean, I could tell you now if you like.” I shrugged, again. I was doing that alot lately. “It’s just that NobuNobu is essentially a stranger and it’s kind of… personal? I’ll tell you when we get to the capital.”

She sighed and a few minutes of silence fell upon us as we traversed through the dark woodlands. The only noise being the marching of soldiers and the chirping of cirkets before a faint smell reached our noses. This smell, it smelt like....

My head instantly whipped to above the hills before us and I could make out something glowing. “...MOVE! NOW!”

The first to reach the same conclusion was Nobunaga. “Is that-Shit!” She began to run, and we immediately followed her. Realization soon spread throughout all the soldiers as we sprinted up the hill, not caring for the weight of our armour before we all came to a screaching halt at the top of the hill.

...The city was washed in orange, the screams of the citizens that had once been muffled now filling the night sky in a cacophony of the damned. It was like an illusion had been ripped from our eyes and only the truth remained. No longer was this yet another silent night on the march, but a tragedy that was unfolding before our eyes.

We stood several feet away from the scene, and yet our bodies still felt the rage of the heat as we burned with them.

“We… I…” I had to shut my eyes away from the sight as if I was staring at the sun. “Who… WHO THE HELL?!”

“W-what!? It's like a sea of flames!” Nobunaga yelled.

Himiko was trembling. “W-Why...I didn't hear anything about an enemy attacking…”

“This is bad…” Yoshi whispered, with BenBen and Tama too distraught to say anything. “If the flames keep spreading like this, they'll devour the whole city!”

“Well?!” I yelled at the rest of the army. “MOVE! Get any survivor out of their as soon as you can and try to find a water supply!”

“The people of the capital...Takeru!”

And then Himiko did the worst choice possible: she rushed in alone.

“Himiko!” I yelled before turning to face my fellow commanders. “Yoshitsune! Nobunaga! You’re in charge of the army! Make sure to get as many survivors as you can, I’m going in after her!”

Not listening to any protest they had I jumped down the hill to chase after my runaway queen.

“We’ll follow after getting the people to safety!” I heard Yoshi shouting as I leave.

====

The capital, the place I called home for the first few weeks after my arrival in this strange land, was burning.

“HIMIKO!” I shouted again as I ran through the burning streets. The smell of dead corpses rotted the air and though I had killed enough people to damn me to hell this was the first time I had death so flagrantly burned into my senses. It was enough to make me sick.

But I moved on, I had to, or else-!

“T-Takeru… You’re alright!? I, I’m so glad… I thought for sure you have been swallowed up by the fire…” I heard Himiko said with a relieved tone as I slid into the main street from an alley way I was in.

The Miko stood there, standing in front of the purple haired warrior as the capital burned around her.

“Of course I am alright.” Yamato declared with a savage grin. “Fire will not burn this body of mine.”

...My instinct immediately had my feet moving as I took out the crystal blue blade of the Totsuka and shoved Himiko behind me. “Get away, now!”

“Oni-san? What’s wrong?” Himiko asked with a confused voice. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but let’s get Takeru out of here.”

“...I was looking for you.” Flames came into existence around Yamato, stronger than I have ever seen. “The supreme commander of Yamatai and the Servant of Heaven. If I erase the both of you, this will be all over.”

She unsheathed the sword on her waist. I couldn’t help but notice the blots of blood on the sheath. “Now be engulfed in my flames of hell and disappear!”

“LIKE HELL!” I yelled, summoning my own fire as she swung her blade at me. My arms quickly moved to parry it but the strength of a mountain came crashing my way and it took almost all the muscles I’ve gained throughout my stay here to direct the blade away. “Hey, let me ask you a question.”

As fast as I could I pushed my body to move faster, to slash her opening only for her to quickly block my blow. “Is your heart beating?!”

“O-Oni-san…” Himiko, having moved to a safe distance, was trembling. “Why...Why is Takeru...Why are you trying to kill us?”

“You two must be eliminated.” She declared with a monotonous tone before shoving me away. “Zipang must not be unified yet…I am the Hero of Zipang who eliminated the rampaging gods of this land. My divine power takes the form of flames that embody my raging spirit. You that would bring harm to the land of Zipang. Be rent by my sword and reduced to mere dust.”

“P-Please stop joking!” Himiko half-shouted, half-begged. “This is too big of a prank-”

“STOP BEING IN DENIAL AND RUN!” I interrupted with a roar. “This isn’t the Yamato you and I know! This so called ‘hero’ is stopping the unification for nothing but her own glory! The Yamato we know would never do-”

“Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade...” I moved, running as fast as could to get Himiko out of the way. “Tsumugari no Tachi.”

There was no fire wrapping around her blade, no instead the fire’s roared up high into the sky as eight massive eastern dragons made of pure fire manifest into the world all pointed at me and about to unleash pure hell fire from their jaws.

My breath panted as I ran as fast as I could to Himiko and dragged her into an alley way. “I SAID RU-”

And suddenly a wave of pure heat shoots forward as the buildings behind us are rendered to ash by the eight dragons. “Holy shit.”

That wasn’t a blade.

Himiko was screaming incoherently in fright. Yamato lazily approached, sword enveloped in a roaring inferno of fire. “You may be the Servant of Heaven, but you cannot overcome this gap in power. Farewell.”

She swung down her blade, as if trying to cut me in half. In desperation I once again tried to block the blade with my own, and suddenly I felt as If I was holding up the sky. The only thing stopping my impending doom was a tiny slab of metal.

Why… WHY?!

Over the sparking blades I could make out one word on her lips before my world snapped in two.

Futile.

And suddenly, before I realized it her blade had cut through my own and into my armor, the boiling liquid in my veins pouring out of me like a waterfall and permanently staining my white armor with it’s color.

I struggled to stand as my vision began to blur, I couldn’t fall here. Not now.

“Yamato..” I mumbled as blood poured out of my lips. My mind beginning to dull as the glare I was giving to my attacker had the sight replaced with a scene long ago.

“...Pff. Ahaha, ahahaha, ahahahahahaha!” By contrast Yamato started laughing. “You’re a funny boy! You showed off those incredible skills, and now you’re weak at the knees! Funny indeed! I like you!”

“YAMATO!”

“I was thinking on going easy on you in respect to your age...but I see there is no need for that. All that’s left is a victory speech from the Servant of Heaven to soothe our soldiers’ tired bodies, a quick nap and then we can start your real training.”

“YAMA-”

“I only wish for you to protect and support Himiko. She’s not as strong as she likes to appear: she’s doing her best to stand on her own two feet, but she’s scared and uncertain inside. She needs someone to support her, and you can be that someone.”

“YAMATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” I roared with all my breath before the pain hit. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I couldn’t see anymore, the haze having taken over my vision. Nevertheless, maybe just out of pure rage, I moved. My body taking the broken blade and attempting to at least injure the woman before me.

Because as long as this person, the one who dared to use the name of my friend to commit acts of monstrosity in the name of some ‘noble’ goal still stood…

I

REFUSED

TO DIE

====

“Well now-" A sarcastic, almost familiar voice said from behind me as the world turned white. “This is a fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into. Congratulations.”

Slowly I turned around only to come face to face with someone I’d never thought I’d see. White hair peppered on tanned skin as a man in red coat and black armor crossed his arms, smirking smugly at me. Though unlike what his facial expression implied, his eyes were as cold as steel. Almost like a swor-

“...EMIYA?”

Yeah, he was definitely a deadringer for the counter guardian himself.

He shook his head. “No. I’m just the closest thing that, based on your memories, your mind associates on an unconscious level with the power that has aided you so far. So yeah, I’m basically you roleplaying as EMIYA, not the real deal.”

“Me roleplaying as EMIYA…?” I blinked. “What the shit, I’d be terrible at that and so by proxy you’re terrible at that.”

“True.” He nodded. “But that’s not the issue here, isn’t it?”

“You’re right.” My head dropped down to my body which was somehow perfectly healed before I clenched a fist, knuckles turning white. “Yamato… GARH!!!”

“...Honestly, I can’t tell you something about that you don’t know already.” He shook his head again and shrugged. Hey that’s my thing. “So I’ll tell you: it’s not by chance that you arrived in this world with the Totsuka. Actually, the blade breaking right now is pretty much perfect.”

“The first part is a no duh situation.” My eyes turned to a glare. “The second though? Explain. Now.”

“The Kusanagi is a superior sword, but it’s damaged. It’s not the fault of Yamato’s deteriorating conditions: rather, it’s a similar situation. Except, the Kusanagi’s damage cannot be reversed the same way as Yamato’s: it needs specific conditions.” He gestured with one hand. “Such as the sacrifice of the same blade that, in the myth, died so that the Kusanagi could come to life.”

...I could feel the grin that blossomed on my face as realization dawned on me. “Oh you magnificent bastard.”

The image of the eight dragons from before popped into my head.

If I was the Susanoo fighting with the Totsuka… then she was the Yamata-No-Orochi that must break the Totsuka in order for the Kusanagi to bear fruit.

“Thanks, but it was not my idea.” The smug grin returned. “Now, how to use the Kusanagi. First, you will need to see one of the memories recorded in the blade to know what to say.” He stressed the last words. “After that you will be back to Yamato and Himiko, with enough strength to both match her and survive your injuries. You’ll feel like shit for days afterwards, but it beats dying. Are you ready?”

I smirked.

There wasn’t any need for an answer.

PART ONE: WORLD CONQUEST FOR NEWBIES​

END​

 

Chapter 16: Highway to Hell

====

There are many things to think when you’re going into a memory but I didn’t expect to fade away into a brand new scene.

I was like a dreamer who had gained lucidity, though my mind was still in the fog. One moment, the world was white. The next?

The next moment I was staring at an old scene from who knows how long, a porch of the place I called home gazing off into a winter wonderland as two people stared out into the distance. Two people which my eyes had immediately known.

Himiko and Yamato, silently gazing at the world with only the warmth of some tea to keep them company. Himiko was clearly dressed for winter, wearing thicker clothes than usually but Yamato stood the same as I had last saw her.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, to move, to do anything to join the two but I couldn’t. My body was in a paradox, firmly in place but light as a feather and I all I could do was watch as the scene was slowly painted brown before it truly came to life and suddenly I felt like I was standing in an old photograph.

...Heh, I’m Charlie Bone.

“The world is about to be enveloped in darkness. I don’t understand what it is, but the day it happens is not far off. Likely, while we’re still alive...I must unite the will of the people of this world. Before darkness covers this world, faster than anyone.” The young miko sighed somberly. “They won’t believe my words. My divination will be dismissed as mere babbling. And there may be only few who would cooperate. But it’s something I have to do. This is no time to continue those minor quarrels.”

Yamato didn’t even hesitate to answer, and I already knew what her next words would be. “Then I’ll believe in you.”

“...Really? If you stick around with someone like me, people will think you’re strange.”

“You gave me a place to belong. As long as your will remains in this place, then I shall pledge my power to you.“ She kneeled, placing her sword to her chest. “Himiko, Queen of Yamatai. I declare it here and now. Swearing in the name of Yamato Takeru, I shall become your sword and shield. Don’t forget Himiko, my heart is always with you.”

Er… I’m just going to ignore that.

“...Thank you, Takeru. I’m...so happy.” Himiko smiled, seemingly truly happy for the first time in ages.
Yamato and Himiko both had told me before but… I don’t think I ever truly understood how lonely the girl who was frequently called my sister actually was.

How long was she like that?

====

The scene was gone far sooner than I expected it and suddenly I found myself back in the alleyway, and everything around me seemed to be hell. The ground was on fire, my armour was cracked and on fire, the alleyway wasn’t an alley way anymore because whoop-de-fucking-do it was on fire.

But here I was, standing in the middle of this chaos almost perfectly fine beyond the bleeding I had mere minutes ago. In fact, I almost actually felt stronger than ever. So I put my new found strength into something I was good at, lifting my middle finger up and pointing it towards the sky. “I lived bitch.”

“Y-You...How can you survive in my flames?!” The False Yamato (who I’m going to need to rename because fuck you she doesn’t deserve to be called it) exclaimed in shock,.“They should have rendered you to ash instantly!”

“Because fuck you that’s how!” Let’s see this monster should be called - Oh hey it’s the name only one letter off. “But wow, I didn’t expect the purple haired cunt who literally sets fires to countries for her own glory to actually have any emotions beyond apathy. The more you know~”

She gritted her teeth. “Then I’ll cut you down again! This time I shall take your life!”

“Hahaha.” I chuckled before an evil grin burned it’s way onto my face through the flames, as I dropped the broken Totsuka and pulled my soon to be former sword-club into my hands. “Just fucking try.”

With a roar of anger the monster charged at me, not even bothering with the fire as her sword seemingly blazed a trail on it’s own in it’s aim to cut me down. Unfortunately for her, I was faster and with a quick little charge of my arm I slammed the blade in the opposite direction, knocking her off balance. “Pfft, are you trying to fight or are you trying to do an impression of a tree because those are some real frail branches you got there.”

“You..!” She growled. “That swordsmanship… it’s just like my own?! Who are you?! Absurd...there is no way a mere imitation can protect you against my sword techniques!”

“Who am I? That’s a good question. I once called myself the Man Who Walks The Path Of Heaven but it turns out I was much closer to it than I realized. Nevertheless, I can still say this in regards to your swordsmanship: my teacher once told me that even a master of battle can’t defend if his stance has been undone! That’s when you strike!” My grip on the edge of the blade tightened as the words of my heart spilled out of my lips. “False Hero of Zipang, Yamata! Henceforth...I declare! Swearing on the name of Chen Miyafuji and the dreams of Yamato Takeru, I shall become Himiko’s sword and shield! Kusanagi!! Respond to my call, and release the almighty spirit of the divine!”

And soon the world was bathed in light as the broken shards of the Totsuka seemingly flew into my new sword and melted, the Kusanagi seemingly reforming from it’s tattered state into a completely different blade before my eyes and soon I felt a click as the reforged sword sung with power as it slid out of it’s sheath, bathed in the world anew. The fire at my feet turned into a blaze as it washed away the false flames of the fake, before it rose higher than ever before and stood behind me like a dear old friend.

“The Kusanagi...has chosen a new wielder?” I heard Himiko’s soft voice.

“Flames of divinity, and the Kusanagi...You, have you subdued my sword?!” Yamata shouted in rage and disbelief.

“No dumbass. I’m the successor!” I roared holding the blade up and facing it towards the warrior who was staring at me like I just told her the sky was purple. “Ain’t that right boy?”

The sword vibrated a bit.

“Girl then.”

It vibrated again.

“Fine fine: sword, whatever!” I grumbled, as it seemed appeased. “Sheesh.”

I could almost hear EMIYA’s mocking laughter, shows me for expecting inanimate objects to actually identify as an organic gender.

“Even if you are enveloped in the same divine aura, you are still just a mere boy! You can’t win against me! Come, Servant of Heaven! I shall erase the miracle that dwells within your body! Henceforth, I shall become the God-Slaying Blade! Anything and everything...shall vanish without a trace! Take form, Tsumugari no Tachi!”

The flaming dragons once again burned themselves into the world but no drop of fear wet my heart, instead my blood began to boil as I turned back to Himiko with a grin on my face. “You should really get out of here now, things are about to get hot.”

She looked at me flabbergasted for a moment before nodding with a gulp and running in the opposite direction, not without looking behind her shoulder the whole time at least.

I sighed before turning back to my new sword. “You ready for your first real battle in a long time?”

It actually set itself on fire for me using my Brave.

“Ha! Alrighty then!” My arms moved to point the blade towards the sky before I bowed my head as if in a prayer. “Henceforth, I am the God-Slaying Blade! Any evil on my road I shall purify with no remorse, even if it leads me straight to Hell! Stand by my side, TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!”

My entire body felt as if it were burning as the flames behind me rose up and began to take form until a warrior made of pure fire stood in the same position as me, though towering to the height of the dragons. Something told me that it could have taken the shape of any creature, that I could have made it more flashy than it was but I didn't need flashy. All I needed was myself, and those I had pledged to protect.

Ha, and to think I had once called the Tsumugari No Tachi as just ‘setting your sword on fire and swinging it with all your might'.

Yamata herself didn’t even dignify that with a response, just a bestial roar of unending frustration as she literally flung the dragons at me with her sword. The warrior shadowed me, getting into a stance before slicing any of the foul creatures that reached him with it’s blade. “I can see why you like this technique! I’m having a blast!”

An explosion punctuated my point as one of the dragons tried to fire it’s flames of wrath only to be stopped by a quick blow to the neck before the beam lost it’s form.

That wasn’t intentional I swear.

“You’ve cut my flames…?” After the last dragon was cut down Yamata took a single step back. “A hellfire that would scorch the earth… How can you possess such strength?”

“I’m the Servant of Heaven, I’m the successor of Yamato Takeru, I am wielding the Kusanagi.” I took another step forward. “Take your pick, they all end in the same result.”

“Tch! My power must not have reached its full potential if you’ve been able to resist me this much…” She eyed her own blade, warped and looking ready to melt any second now. “And this. It can’t be helped. I’ll have to withdraw for now. The next time we meet, it’ll be your end…”

Before I could say anything her body started to melt, turning liquid starting from the bottom to the top and pouring into the ground, disappearing.

“Um.” I blinked. “What the fuck.”

“Oni-san, are you alright!?” Once it was clear the danger was over Himiko ran back to me as I still stared at the place Yamata had previously been in.

“Whaaaaaaaa.”

She looked at the spot where the purple haired woman once stood. “Takeru…”

“N-Not Takeru.” I managed out as my head began to ascend to the clouds, or it damn well felt like it did. “Yamato can’t turn into liquid. Tha-That’s Yamata from now on.”

“I...I guess you’re right.” Still, she looked ready to start crying.

“Hey, Hey come here.” I mumbled as I sheathed the Kusanagi and wrapped the poor girl in my arm. “It’s alright, Yamato’s somewhere I’m sure of it. You can cry if you want though, It’s fine.”

Despite the entirely grim situation she smiled. “I would like to, but… I am the Queen of Yamatai. I can’t shed a tear. The mansion, and the city-”

“Stop.” I commanded softly. “I know what it’s like to not be able to cry when you want to so don’t you ever say you can’t shed a tear. You’re the Title, but the Title isn’t you. So you don’t have to hold back, okay?”

She shook her head. “I don’t need to. Everyone is there for me, for us. With all of your support, I can do my best without regrets.”

“That… Must be nice.” I mumbled, closing my eyes a bit.

Ah.

“Onii-chan!”

Oh… Hey… We’re on the ground now.

...Idiot. Her eyes are totally red.

====

NNB: Some… Things went down in the middle of writing this chapter. Serious things. Things that made Himiko’s last words hurt a bit.

Alex: It’s more drama than what I intended to. I mean it was inevitable, but still. Need to bring up the comedy to compensate.

 

Chapter 17: Imagine

====

The world was white again, a bleak blinding white that seared into your eyes and suffocated you. Space became meaningless in the face of this void as everything and anything was simply nothing.

Except for the chair I was sitting on and the jackass sitting on a much more sophisticated one, book in one hand and a pipe in another. I didn’t even know if that pipe was real but didn’t have time to question it as he looked up from his book with his now bespectacled eyes. “That went as well as could be expected. Congratulations are in order, I suppose.”

“...Do I even want to ask?” I glanced at the book in his hand but the title was incomprehensible. “Is that a real cigar?”

“Not really.” He looked at the object in his hand before slowly waving it back and forth. “Some weird associations started forming after you learned of me, so it’s reflected on my appearance. This whole set-up too. If it bothers you, you only need to define me better.”

“You are now forever upside down.”

And so he was.

“This is not ‘better’. Nowhere close to it.” He sighed, gravity seemingly having no effect on him. “Not that I can even care, I’m you after all. But if you want to spend the time we can stay here experimenting, be my guest.”

Experimenting huh…

“You are now Ilya, Prisma Illya.” I paused before an Idea hit me. “And you care very much about the change in appearance.”

And so he wasn’t.

“Damn I actually thought that’d work.” Er, moving on. “Anyways why’d you call me here?”

“I didn’t. Your body, due to a combination of damage and fatigue, can’t stay awake so your mind has been moved there. Normally you would dream, but those are not normal circumstances.” He explained, resting both book and pipe on his lap. “But if I have to decide a productive use of this opportunity, I would choose to request answers from the very bizarre existence in front of me.”

“...That’s me. Of course that’d be me.” I grumbled. “Wait but if you don’t know the answers then your not me, or you're just a higher power using a piece of me to communicate without driving me insane due to being incomprehensible outside the bounds of even human comprehension. Or something, I don’t know cosmic horror has prepped me to deal with anything fourth dimensional or above as ‘something that’d drive humans insane if they ever glanced at their true form’.”

“As a matter of fact, I do know some answer.” He showed me a smug grin. “But not I’m not a higher power using a roundabout method to communicate with an inferior being. How to put it...I’m both a set of information and the source of your power in this world. Since the latter normally has no sentience, it used your memories to create a fake personality to do things like this conversation we’re having. And for why I look like Counter Guardian Emiya, like I said he is the being that, based on your memories, best define the source of your power.”

“...I’m more than just a sword fighter you know.”

I don’t think I have unlimited blade works on me, that’d just be stupid.

He rolled his eyes. “If it was that I would look like Shirou, not EMIYA. Think of the difference.”

“Snark?” The words came out jokingly from my lips but my eyes were widening as realization hit me like an arrow to the- no I’m not finishing that. EMIYA could tell, the smug grin on his face broadcasted it clear as day as he gestured a ‘go on’ motion with his hands.

Bastard.

“...Counter Force.” I sighed. “You’re the local equivalent of the goddamn Counter Force.”

“Correct.” He removed his glasses and leaned back on his chair. “To be more precise, I’m the embodiment of humanity’s collective positive thoughts, not just their will to survive as a species at all costs.”

Oh my god, he’s the embodiment of the Power of Fr-

“And I know what you’re thinking. Stop that.”

“Aha but you can’t deny it can you?” I waggled my finger before crossing my arms and sighing. “So, what do you want? You got questions right?”

He shook his head again. “Isn’t that something you should say? Aren’t you wondering how and why you ended up in another world, or why were you chosen to be empowered by the local version of the Counter Force? What about the exact details of said ‘empowerment’? You know, important stuff?”

“Great. Answer those questions.” Didn’t even have to ask.

“The current world is shit. Everyone wants it to stop being a shit and for wars to cease making it even more of a shit.” He said, his tone and expression suddenly serious. “This may be a little crude, but it summarizes the situation well. With the will of humanity united in this purpose, the Counter Force acquired the ability to act. It needed an agent: creating one was discarded for some reason, so it was decided to choose an already existing human. Why you, who is not ever from this dimension, I don’t know. Like I said the Counter Force has no sentience, and it cannot even be compared to a computer, so a lot of things are just funky.”

“...Right.” That made sense in a sort of… Paradoxically Nihilistic way, am I even using those words right? “So, moving on to a completely different topic. Yamata, what’s up with her?”

“No idea.” He raised a hand. “I truly don’t know. Whatever happened to her, is outside the scope of humanity’s knowledge. But I can make an educated guess: mind control. Severe mind control.”

“She called herself the Hero of Zipang and spoke as if we were breaking her fate every second Zipang was unified.” So than if it was mind control… “Could she have become some high powers' plaything? Do those even exist- My god.”

Missing for years and coming back with amnesia? “The Yamato I know could’ve had her mind wiped clean when she went missing, that’s why she can’t remember her past.”

If that was true then that opened up so much. Well not really but… There was the jewel. The jewel Himiko found her clutching to dear life for. Could that have been some sort of repressor? If she broke free because of the jewel, tried to run away but got hit by a mind wipe than if you were to remove the jewel…

Archer laughed, long and hard. It wasn’t a laugh of mirth, not at all: it was mocking and cold, as if he was the real EMIYA and I was Shirou Emiya after declaring my ideals of being a hero of justice. It kinda made me wish my Ilya gambit worked, he just seemed like an asshole now.

“There are no gods. They’re all dead.” He said with finality after his laughing came to a close. “When humans pray to a higher power, nobody’s listening. And if there is, it’s not one interested in helping them. This is a fact: otherwise, I would not exist.”

“I can’t tell if that’s humanity speaking or just me, I came to that conclusion about back home a long time ago.” It only seems like a different time now, honestly. “But I must say now that I’m a Purple Heart worshiper and if you say otherwise then I don’t care if you’re all of humanity your waifu is shit.”

“I don’t have a ‘waifu’.” He made air quotes. “And no interest into arguing with myself. What I said is the truth. If you want to be pedantic, is what I believe is truth. So if you can prove me wrong, great. If not, nothing was lost.” He sighed and rested his head on his left palm, the elbow on the chair’s arm. “Continuing our early conversation, being empowered by the Counter Force revolves around a single concept: if you’re not good enough to win a fight, it makes you so. So if your enemy is faster, you become just as fast. If stronger, just as strong. If an emotional breakdown would make you vulnerable, it suppresses those emotions. During training, it makes sure improvements stick and raise the cap if you ever reach it. But if you think this makes you invincible, think again: it cannot strengthen you above what your body can handle, it cannot revive you if you die and high-speed regeneration is out of the question.”

“...So theoretically speaking,” I put my hand to my chin and my nonexistent munchkin cap on my head. “If I were facing up against someone smarter than me, would I start becoming more smarter the longer the fight goes on?”

“Only if that is related to winning the fight or surviving.” He shrugged. “And most bursts of power are only temporary.”

“But training improvements stick.” I reminded him. “So if I were to train using my wits, they’d improve by the end of it right? I mean, yeah that’s how training works but the results would probably increase faster.”

Hey don’t look at me like that, I’m just trying to find out the limits of this.

“How do you think you managed the paperwork?” He scoffed. “You’re smart enough to handle them now, if you want to get even smarter start being challenged. Otherwise, the gain is slow.”

...I thought it was just the result of having two corporate slaves as parents. My dad worked in accounting for fucks sake, accounting.

“Yeah okay just shelving that discussion for now, one- er sorry two more questions!” I pointed my finger at the man who just raised an eyebrow in response. “If you’re the positive side of humanity than is there a negative side?”

“There should be. But out opposite natures means we don’t have a way to even sense each other.”

“I can buy it.” I nodded my head sagely. “Now, my final question is… What are your questions?”

“I have only one: you’re in a position where world conquest, and thus peace, can be achieved if you play your cards right and see it to the end. So my question is-” His eyes stared into yours. “Will you?”

I stared at him. I stared at him for a long while as time seemed to blur before I finally gave my answer.

“Of fucking course.” I slammed my hand against my chest, “For the longest time I’ve just been purposeless, but now I’m going at a goal with full speed ahead. So hear me now.”

I pointed a finger at my face. “This Miyafuji's going to conquer the world, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.”

Well, I wasn't originally a Miyafuji but if sengoku jidai names can change like twenty times than why can’t I change mine?

He clapped his hands once before spreading his arms. “There you have it. That is my purpose for existing, so as long as you hold to that decision I’m satisfied.”

“Well then,” I sighed. “Time to wake up I guess?”

“If you want.” The tanned man shrugged as I began to feel light. “By the way…”

“Oh god what now.”

“Just a fair warning.” A sadistic grin crossed his face. “It’s gonna hurt.”

“Fuck yo-”

====

And then I woke up. My body feeling like a block of lead that some jack ass hammered into my head. With a groan I slowly opened my eyes…

Only to find a sleeping Himiko right in front of me.

I blinked, Himiko was still there.

“Er.” I let out only to find my throat was made of sand paper and holy shit I need a drink. “Nope. Nope nope nope.”

And with that I closed my eyes and desperately tried to force myself to go to sleep. There were many things I could deal with, this wasn’t one of them.

===

Notes:

NNB: There is nothing in this chapter that isn’t exposition, I dare you to try and find something besides the Himiko scene. But anyways, announcements! Let me just…

Ahem, new format because this is an official announcement. So basically me and Alex have decided to make this story go into once a week updates due to having other things to do. Namely, we have other quests to do you know? Alex has like a gazillion of them.

But yeah if you’re a follower of Slime Hunter here on QQ than I’ll be trying to get past the prologue soon enough, been pushing that off for a bit too long. If you’re a follower of Songs of INNOCENCE back on SV (Which some of you guys surprisingly are, I’m recognizing some of my regulars as readers of this)… I make no promises.

And remember, this isn’t stealth market, it’s shameless marketing.

 

Chapter 18: Touch Fluffy Tail

====

All in all, the destruction to Yamatai really wasn’t that bad. A majority of the citizens actually ran away when the fire started, because luckily Yamata hadn’t decided to start the fire with pure dragon smiting.

...Wait shit the fire was bait. MOTHER FUCK-

Ahem. Speaking of that purple haired hell spawn of a bitch, she nor Yamato (No duh) hadn’t been seen at all since the fire. The only thing I knew about the whole situation was that it involved mind control and everyone else knew even less so we all decided to focus on the reconstruction right now.

It was going well, all things consider. The main thing that had actually taken damage were the buildings and those just had to be reconstructed. Of course, there were some problems on my side of things. Like, uh...

“Why you!! You ate my precious grilled miso!!” NobuNobu yelled, slamming her left hand against the wall.

“What are you talking about!? Didn’t you eat the whole sweet bean jelly I was saving all day yesterday!?” Himiko replied, waving her arms about like a madman.

“You told me I could eat it, didn’t you?!”

“I said you could only eat a little! And you even knew it was my favorite! Grudges over food run deep, I’ll have you know!”

“That’s my line! Eating something I took the effort to send away for…” Was she… actually sad? “I’ll never forgive you!”

“Who cares!” Himiko childishly stuck her tongue out.

...This.

See, while NobuNobu managed to assimilate herself well. She and Himiko still fought.

A lot.

AND IT WAS REALLY ANNOYING.

I swear you couldn’t leave the two in a room for five minutes without them getting into an argument on something. The two of them were like energetic cats and I wouldn’t be surprised if they started cat fighting in the middle of the hallway.

Yoshi just smiled as if the exchange didn’t even faze her. “It looks like she’s back to normal. I was worried at first, but thanks to you it looks like she’s well.”

“The same cannot be said for NobuNobu’s sanity.” I commented as we passed them in the hall, “I’d almost feel sorry for her if it wasn’t questionable in the first place.”

“Their interactions has always been like this.” She explained. “It was before Yamato went missing for the first time, but despite the age and city of birth’s difference they were close. Well, for a given definition of close.”

“Ah.” I nodded. “So it’s like that.”

“Ah, aaaahhhh!!!” Nobu screamed. “My food is all gone!”

“M-Mine too…” Himiko despaired. “And I had the red bean soup specifically made for me…”

“Huh? Benkei thought it shouldn’t go to waste…” Came the voice of the literally self-proclaimed culprit.

“Give me back my rice soup! I’m hungry!”

“Benkei can’t, it’s already in Benkei’s tummy!”

“My red bean soup! At least tell me how it tastes! You… You… Ah! I didn’t expect the Benben inquisition!”

I paused in my tracks before turning around and dashing towards the group of girls.

“The hell’s the BenBen Inquisi-” NobuNobu managed to get out before I bursted in between Himiko and BenBen before elbowing her in the stomach.

“NOBODY EXPECTS THE BENBEN INQUISITION!” I exclaimed as the pink haired woman fell to the ground coughing. “Our chief weapon is surprise and an unwavering determination to do what must be done! Er, our two chief weapons are surprise, an unwavering determination to do what must be done, and the pain and suffering of NobuNobu! Wait! Our three chief weapons are-”

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!” NobuNobu exclaimed as she finally got the air back into her lungs.

And kicked between my legs. Or tried to as immediately dodged out of the way.

Haha! You think you can try that on me?! Think again! “You… You… BRAT!!!”

I quickly rolled on the ground to dodge a roundhouse kick coming for my stomach before picking BenBen off the ground who only blinked in response as I ran away in the opposite direction. “BENBEN INQUISITION, AWAY!”

Only to be knocked down by something hard hitting my head as BenBen yelps in surprise. I groaned on the ground as I spotted a plate rolling on the floor before falling down.

Did… She just…

WHY?!

“Che-ny!” BenBen exclaimed, picking herself off the floor.

...I can work with this.

“Run, BenBen.” I whispered dramatically from on the ground. “You must… Defeat the NobuNobu. You are the inquisition's final hope.”

And with that I let out a long breath and closed my eyes, trying my best to go limp.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

[*]​

The aftermath of that little incident involved two plates, one heroic BenBen, NobuNobu’s food, a severe scolding from Yoshi and for some reason a screaming chicken.

And also Yoshi dragging me to Edo. For some ungodly reason.

“Your pace is slowing.” Yoshi told me while we were walking up a very steep road of Edo’s central district. “Want me to hold your hand?”

“...What?” I looked at her incredulously. “Why?”

“To help you walk faster, of course.”

“...Weirdo.” I muttered, picking up the pace. “So I’ve been asking this for like a week but will you finally tell me what we’re doing here?”

“There is a Hero here I want to introduce you to.” She explained. “I’ve been trying to arrange a meeting for a while now. She finally agreed, so I brought you along.”

“Wait there’s more heroes?”

“Oh yes. Some were not interested in war, but their cooperation would help us greatly in the future. Anyway, we’ll be there soon, so I’ll introduce you then… She’s just a little strange, so try to play along.”

I opened my mouth to respond but promptly shut it and jerked my leg back in shock. Looking down, there was a small paper doll that looked like one of those Shikigami things I had seen from…

...Uh…

...Actually I don’t remember where I had seen them from. It was cut in the shape of a person but still, just wear have I seen it from…

“Ah, she even prepared a reception.” Yoshi informed me. “It’s likely that this will be a warm welcome.”

“I see- WOAH SHIT!” I exclaimed as the paper doll physically dragged my leg forward and further into the city.

After a short walk (read: desperately trying not to trip) through the streets, we had finally arrived in front of a very big shop. “This is a general store she opened for fun. But since she opens and closes the shop whenever she wants, the rooster’s always calling.”

“...Uh.” Let’s see rooster could mean early and- nope. “What the hell kind of saying is that?”

“You don’t know? It means that there’s always someone asking to see her or visit the shop even when it’s close. As accurate as a rooster calling out when the sun rises.” She explained. “She should be in the garden now, so let’s ourselves in.”

She opened the door and I followed her inside.

...It’s totally a magical shop. Like, it’s really hard to describe what this place is like. You ever watch one of those shows where some kid steps into a shop full of mysterious items and finds one that becomes integral to the plot?

It was a lot like that, except also seemingly full of junk that you know does something.

Eventually, after much navigating, we got through the shop and into the back garden.

“Excuse us… Drinking in the middle of the day? As a friend, I can’t recommend it.”

Sitting under a tree and dressed in a really revealing pink kimono was a blonde haired woman. She quietly sipped some sake as she turned towards us and- Wait. No, no after BenBen I can not afford to be tricked.

There was no way those were real fox ears.

“Ahh… Just when I‘m wondering who it could be, Yoshitsune shows up.” She replied with a playful tone. “...Eh? And who might this be…...?”

“Some guy. Standing here.” I waved.

Yoshi sighed. “This is the one I mentioned before, the Servant of Heaven. You didn’t use your magic to check?”

“Nice to meet you.” She smiled kindly.

“Er, nice to meet you as well?” You know, now that I got a closer look at her face… “So magic shop huh?”

“I prefer the term ‘mysterious’. Mh, mh. You look like a good kid. Ah, you’re hiding an unusual light inside of you. But what kind of light?” She peered at me closer.

...Yeah wow she really used too much make-up. And did she trim her eyebrows? Yeesh. “Define ‘light’.”

“Mh, mh. I can’t tell. How curious: it looks subdued now, but also ready to rage like a great inferno under the right circumstances. Very interesting.” She giggled. “So this is the boy who unified all of Zipang…”

“I can vouch for his character.” Yoshi added. “He’ll meet your expectations.”

“Is that so? But he’s a little too young to drink. I’ve been looking for a drinking partner…”

“I nominate Yoshi.” I declared, pushing the purple haired girl forward.

“You do?” The blonde woman’s eyes lit up.

“...Only once in awhile. I’m not a hardcore drinker like you, Seimei.” She sighed. “Oh yes, I should introduce you two. Chen-kun, this is Abe no Seimei. She lives in the capital as an Onmyouji, a Diviner, and fortune teller. She’s quite the famous hero. Seimei, this is Chen Miyafuji.”

Abe no Seimei… Abe no Seimei… Swear I’ve heard that name from somewhere before.

“I’ve been watching you in my divinations for a long time, but now that I see you like this, you’re different than I thought.” Even as she said this, the paper doll from earlier began to play around my legs.

“Different how?” Depends on where she saw me, really.

“Patience. No one likes an overly inquisitive man.” She smiled playfully. “But since it would be rude to leave it at that, let’s just say my opinion of you is still positive.”

The paper doll from before began spinning on my legs causing me to look down only to see it doing acrobatic tricks over my knees.

...I mean it feels kind of weird but I guess it’s oddly entertaining.

“...I’m just not going to ask.” Fricken Diviners.

Yoshi smiled. “It seems you made a good first impression. It’s easy to tell, since the doll’s magic is linked to Seimei.”

“He’s a good boy, and I would like to see him growing into a good man.” Seimei giggled again. “I’m more interested in what’s on the inside, though.”

“But more importantly, you seem to be getting along right away.”

“It’s been five minutes.” I countered. “If she saw the thing with NobuNobu than she’d probably be taking different.”

“Which thing? Do tell, do tell?” She moved closer to me, a look of hunger for gossip in her eyes.

“Probably not what you’re expecting.” I looked over at Yoshi who seemed to be going through a long list of memories up and including to a few days ago. “Remember the battle for Edo?”

“Uhm, I think I was sleeping that day. Or drinking. One of the two. But continue, continue.”

“Okay so long story short I ran my mouth a little.” Understatement of the century. “It got NobuNobu so angry she basically forgot that she was fighting more than one person.”

“She’s so easily riled up, that Nobunaga.”

“Yoshi can attest that I didn’t go… easy on her?” I turned back to the purple haired girl. “Is that a good way to explain what exactly I said?”

“If woefully lacking in details.” She reluctantly nodded. “You also used the Kusanagi like a club.”

Seimei’s following laugh was barely on the edge of inappropriate.

“So-” I exclaimed, holding out my hand. “Sei was it? We’re gonna take over the world, you in?”

“Mmh, why not?” She took my hand and give a light shake. “Let’s get along.”

Afterwards she was quick into roping both Yoshi and NobuNobu into being her drinking partners, but at least it didn’t get in the way of work.

...More than expected.

====

Chen: Recruitment chapters yo.

Chen: We’re about to like, drown in filler.

To make the notes easier to cross-post between forums, I’ll be using Chen to refer to myself in the notes from now on.

 

Chapter 19: Burning Anvil of Steel

====

It had been a few days since we recruited Sei and reconstruction was doing well. Not that she actually helped, no she mostly just lazed around in our garden and kept having drinking contests with NobuNobu. Which of course she drank under the table.

Truth be told, I had never seen a drunk person before I met those two. While yes I had seen my parents drink before, my mom was a fan of wine in particular at times, I had never seen them drunk.

Yeah, to me in my previously limited experience as a recently graduated freshman high school student, drunkenness and alcohol were completely alien concepts. Something I knew that happened but existed far away from my loner social life. But now that I had basically two drunkards constantly messing around the house 24/7…

I sighed as I finished inspecting another building around town. This kind of thing had to be done every few days after all, can’t have the workers slacking off and all that. Still, the thought of those two brought back some bad feelings.

Feelings that Yoshi in particularly noticed as she hm’d in thought before looking at me. “When you take up a position, you’re less flexible. When an enemy appears in ambush, what do you do?”

“Dodge.” I said automatically.

“Taking the enemy’s position in mind, how do you dodge? What position do you take if allowed to complete your dodge? And what do you do if attacked midway?” She continued.

“In order-” I began. “Depends on how they attack. Depends on what weapon I have on at the time. Die.”

“The first two answers are appropriate, the third it’s not.” She slightly shook her head. “Don’t you have techniques to parry even when dodging?”

I thought back to my training…

“By that point Yamato had just shoved me against the wall again.” More like shot really. “She’s… Well her arm strength speaks for herself.”

“That sounds like her.” She simply nodded.

The two of us descended in silence after that, an uncomfortable reminder of what had happened was standing all around us after all. They say time heals all wounds and while that was certainly true, the scars would still remain.

I wonder, if we ever did get Yamato back again, would the people accept her?

It was as I was musing with these thoughts that I spotted a familiar little girl in fluffy white clothes walking towards us while carrying a sword. My eyes raised a brow as I instantly started walking faster to the brown haired girl. “BenBen! Hey!”

“Wahhh, wahwah!” My greeting seemed to startle her. “C-Che-ny?!”

“In the flesh.”

“Are you alright, Benkei?” Yoshi asked her friend.

“Oh no!” BenBen waved her hands. “Benkei was just surprised, that’s all!”

In doing so, however, she dropped the sword she was carrying. It didn’t look especially damaged, but it was covered in rust.

I looked down at it.

I looked back up at her.

“...Why are you carrying a Rusty sword.” My mouth immediately blurt out. “Like, why.”

“You’re right.” Yoshi agreed with me. “Why do you have this, Benkei?”

Benkei recovered the sword and held it up for us to see. “Benkei found it at a weapon shop. Benkei was just on a walk. It’s rusty, but Benkei thinks it’s a great sword. But the weapon shop man said Benkei could have it for free because it’s rusty.”

Yoshi smiled softly. “Your weapon handling habits never change. But your judgment is always sound. That must be the case here too.”

“It’s definitely alright!” BenBen nodded enthusiastically and repeatedly. “It will be able to cut through anything soon!”

...This sounds like a scam, a free scam but still a scam.

“Uh, right.” I nodded,.“So you’re planning on fixing it up?”

She frowned. “Benkei asked a blacksmith, but the man said it was too hard.”

“I know a place where they might be able to, so let’s try asking them.” Yoshi said.

“Is that alright? Even though it’s for Benkei…”

“Don’t be silly. Of course it’s alright.”

I smiled and nodded, drawing myself away from the conversation as we began to move towards the blacksmiths: soon Yoshi and BenBen were lost in their own little world and I was just a tag along.

====

The place Yoshi talked about was huge and well-furnished, though the blacksmith had a plain appearance. Nonetheless he completely repaired the sword in just a few hours.

It turned out that it wasn’t a scam after all: that seemly plain sword was in truth Onimaru, part of a set of five katana called the ‘Five Swords Under Heaven’. They’re pretty famous in Zipang, not as much as the Kusanagi but close enough.

“Benkei’s new sword!” She shouted in happiness while swing it around. “Look how shiny it is! Thank you, Yoshitsune!”

“You’re welcome. But It wasn’t expecting it to be the Onimaru of all swords. I thought the ‘Five Swords Under Heaven’ were lost…”

“At this point, I’m just going to assume lost swords are just lying around every few feet.” I admitted honestly, still slightly stunned. “I mean.. come on.”

“It’s not really something that happen often. That it does so in your presence multiple times…” Yoshi mused. “I guess it’s a sign of favor from the Heavens?”

“Benkei’s eyes are good! Now Benkei’s collected 998 weapons in all!”

“I hear the 1000th one grants you an achievement.” I nodded. “The shitty silver ones but hey, 100% completion or bust.”

Yoshi gave me of those long looks she, Himiko and the others use when I make a modern reference no one but me understand before continuing as if nothing happened. “She’s been collecting them for a long time. Your wish is finally coming true.” She said the last words to BenBen.

“Yeah! When Benkei gets to 1000. Only two more left.”

“I’m personally looking forward to seeing the last two you find.”

“I’m willing to put money on an even more legendary sword!”

They looked at me before I waved my hands at them. “Bah, trust me on this one. When have I ever been wrong?”

Answer: Every. Time.

====

“O-Oni-saaaan!”

A few days later, Himiko came rushing into the room while I was working in it. Apparently Yoshi decided to throw the bills of the blacksmiths as a military expense and that meant it had to go through me.

And oh boy was it expensive.

“I finally...found you.” She said, out of breath.

“Um.” I paused, trying to figure out how to react. “Hi?”

“There’s a hero who’s saying she wants to meet you… And she’s pretty famous, so… I rushed all the way here…”

“Christ, what? Are they crawling out of the woodwork?” I mumbled, standing up from my desk. You unite one country and suddenly all the lazy asses decide to help you with world conquest. “So where is she?”

“She’s waiting in the guest room now. Should I prepare tea or some other refreshment?”

“Go for it.” My hand waved as I stepped outside and past Himiko.

Well, bring it on.

====

Actually no. Don’t bring it on. In fact-

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.” The girl before me politely introduced herself with a formal bow, her voice making her sound like older than she looks. “My name is Magoroku Kanemoto. I am just a worthless swordsmith living here in Zipang.”

“D-Don’t be silly!” Himiko looked scandalized. “Magoroku, you’re one of the best blacksmiths in all of Zipang.”

If there was one way to describe… Her (Note to self: Think of nickname), it would be slick. Or something. Her hands were covered with black gloves while a thin white dress with the side-ends sliced open adorned her body. She was a being of pure black and white, with hints of the fire she chose to follow adorning her ribbons and the ends of her black hair.

Which actually made her look like she was currently being forged herself. What the fuck.

“Why.” I began noticing the absurd tools that she carried around. “Why do you even need tools that big?! Why are you carrying them here?! Why?!”

“Those are worthy questions. Let me explain.” She began. “Those forging tools have been passed down from master to apprentice through many generations of blacksmiths. Sadly, I am lacking in height compared to be predecessors. However, it is still tradition. Additionally, they also double as weapons, under the aphorism of ‘Only a warrior who understand weapons can forge one’. In short, forging is another aspect of fighting.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, my hand came up to my face as I felt myself lose like twenty brain cells. “No. Just… No. No no no no no. Where do I even begin? I just… Okay so you're telling me that forging is an aspect of fighting so that’s why you’re carrying forging tools as weapons?”

“Of course not.” She replied. “I carry them as part of my training, to get used to their weight.”

“Right right of course.” I nodded. “...So basically… You know what? Fuck it. Just going ignore that whole mess.”

“Now, now Oni-san. It’s okay, I don’t understand it either. “ Himiko tried to console me. “So, Magoroku! What bring you here?”

“The ‘Five Swords Under Heaven’. Of all the swords forged by mortal hands in Zipang, it’s said those five are the most famous.” She said with reverence. “Those five swords were forged by my predecessors, and it has been a tradition to choose a worthy wielder, and to watch over them during the time they don’t have one. However, I failed in this duty: while I was away thieves assaulted my home, and stole the five swords. I’ve been searching for them even since. But just recently, I have heard Zipang’s army has came in possession of one of them, the Onimaru. Is it true?”

“Oh yeah, BenBen apparently found it in the bargain bin at a weapon shop.” I shrugged. “How long ago did you lose it again? Because it was in really bad shape, like, so bad the weapon man just gave her it for free because he thought it was another shitty old sword. We didn’t even know what it was before Yoshi got some help to polish it up a bit.”

“It was already like that when it got stolen. The last wielder died recently, and the blade was tainted. I’d like to thank you for purifying it.” She gave another formal bow.

“Um… Okay then.” What do I do now… “So uh, Is that all?”

“It is not. The other four swords are still missing, and I have a duty to retrieve them. However, at this point I am afraid they have left the country. My forces alone will not be enough. Therefore, I came to request my inclusion in your army: in exchange, I only ask that you help me looking out for the other swords during your world conquest's campaign and to let me watch over them until a worthy wielder appear. I heard the Onimaru is in possession of Musashibou Benkei: she is a worthy wielder.”

I nodded before elbowing Himiko and whispering in her ear. “That’s BenBen’s last name?”

“You don’t remember? Takeru told you when explaining about Kyoto for the first time.” She whispered back.

“I don’t even remember Yoshi’s last name! I use nicknames to avoid this kind of thing! That and the names are too much of a mouthful.” Er, than I realized something. “What’s her name again? Magakuro?”

“Magoroku!”

“How am I supposed to make a nickname out of that!” Ma… Ma… I turned back to the blacksmith as it hit me,.“Right, Maragi, can you answer a simple question?”

She silently pointed a finger at herself, as if asking if I was talking to her or someone else.

“Yes you no you don’t have a say in the name.” Magoroku was too much of a hassle. “Anyways… Do you only make swords?”

“If that is how you wish to address me, I shall have no complains.” She kept a perfect poker face. “I can make not only swords, of the variations: Katana, Chokuto, Tachi, Wakizashi-”

“Right okay but here’s the kicker.” Hopefully this works… “Are you willing to try to make muskets?”

“I understand.” She nodded. “While ranged weapons such as bows are the purview of craftsmen with a different specialization, a musket is a weapon that can be created with a blacksmith’s skills. While I don’t hold interest in them, I’ll perform my duty and try to fulfill your orders to the best of my abilities.”

Oh thank god.

While I would have let her stayed even if she couldn't, I was ready to kick her out of the castle if she started shit talking them and wouldn’t try.

“Well then.” I declared, stretching my hand to her. “Welcome to the gang Maragi.”

BLACKSMITH GENIUS GET WHOOO!

“From today, then, I am a member of the Zipang Army.” She took my hand and shook it. “Please take care of me. If you’ve got any concern about weaponry, leave it to me.”

====

Notes:

Alex: Usually it’s Neko that choose the title name, but today I’m doing it. Does it fit?

 

Chapter 20: Lonesome Me

====

“Alright BenBen.” I began as I ended my explanation, pointing to the setup I had prepared on the training grounds. “You understand what we’re doing, right?”

“Uh-huh Che-ny!” She nodded fiercely, picking up a rock from a basket. “Leave it all to me!”

“Okay then! Bring it o-” The sound of rock hitting flesh interrupted me as I had to wince back in pain. My hand reaching up to my face as the object that hit my head came falling to the floor. “Ow. Okay okay, now I- FUCKING HELL!”

My body swiveled instantly to avoid the second rock being thrown at me. A throbbing pain still remained but I didn’t have time to acknowledge it as thousands of rocks were thrown my way, each one barely being seen by my eyes before they assaulted my body. I had to stay on my toes to even avoid half of them.

Just… Gotta… Build… Up… Brave…

NOW!

“You! Drop whatever you’re doing and come with- Wha?!” A voice I barely recognized shouted.

Bad move.

“TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!”

The intruder, who I had now recognized as NobuNobu, barely had any time to dodge as a fist made of pure fire instantly punched the ground where she was standing, a small explosion appearing in the space she was at mere seconds ago.

“ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!” She yelled. Then she gave a good look around, from BenBen to the rocks littering the area and the bruises on my body. “Correction: are you trying to kill yourself? In that case forgive my interruption, please continue.”

...Something in me snapped as my face went expressionless. Tsumugari no Tachi (Note to self: Need a better name TnT- is too long) came into full view behind me as I arched my back slightly backwards and tilted my head, pointing a finger gun at the pink haired women. “BenBen, lock and load, new target. Aim… FIRE!”

“Yes!” BenBen lifted another rock, only to stop when she saw NobuNobu pointing her custom musket at her. “Uh…”

“Look, I have no time for whatever kind of weird...thing is going on here.” She drawled before her lips turned into a grin. “I just received news that Sasaki Kojiro and Miyamoto Musashi, two of the best sword users in the whole of Zipang, are going to have a duel on Ganryuu Island! We can’t miss it for all the gold in the world!”

“Annnnd why should I care?” DID SHE JUST MENTION THE SAVIOR OF FRANCE?! FUCK YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

“That’s simple: now that we know where the both of them are going to be, we can meet and persuade one of them, maybe both, to join our forces.” She explained. “Having people skilled at warfare is good, but we also need talented warriors to face those that simple numbers can’t bring down.”

“Oh.” I blinked before turning away. “You do it.”

“Aaaah?! What’s with that reaction? Are you not interested in witnessing a duel between two literal sword saints?”

What the fuck was this, a xianxia novel? I thought this was Isekai dammit.

“Nope. Got things to do and I don’t really care. You go do it if you’re that interested.”

“You will not have to deal with paperwork while we’re away.”

“Ha!” The fool. “I’ve already passed on the paper work to someone else for today! Also I’d have to deal with more paperwork as they’d pile up when I’m away so in the end I’d have like, more paper work than I would if I didn’t go away and in the end it’s just not worth it. Really, my buttons aren’t that easy to press old lady.”

“Can Benkei come? Benkei would like to see the duel.” BenBen asked, eyes shining with excitement.

NobuNobu’s sneer instantly shifted to a foxy grin. “Suuuure! Himiko and Yoshitsune already said they’re interested, so I guess we will have a nice vacation with added show while a certain brat will remain here all alone, with nothing to do beside watching someone else do his paperwork.”

“I mean…” I didn’t even give the annoying old fart a glance. “Okay? Sure? You guys can go? You’re really overestimating how much I actually care here. But if you want to know, while you’re gone, I’m going to figure out how to fly.”

I felt a vice-like hand grab my shoulder and turn me around, where I was confronted with a NobuNobu whose own Brave had reached the point it could be physically seen as a red aura around her body. “You’re going, OR ELSE.” She growled, resembling every last bit the Demon King she was referred to.

Maybe if she was wearing pants and I didn’t see her all beat up and crying on the battlefield that would’ve actually scared me. As it was… “Useless useless useless. Your threats mean nothing to me. Though, I could be persuaded for a…「Favor」.”

I felt the pressure on my shoulder loosen up. Only a finger though. “Be careful what you ask for.”

To the side, BenBen seemed to enjoy herself immensely.

“Oh nothing much, I’d agree if say, a certain 「Useless, Old, Western-Obsessed, Sexually Frustrated, Chronically Drunk, Freeloader」decided to say, do some work for at least a month?”

The pressure returned. It was also starting to get uncomfortably hot.

“Oh? Work you say? Why, you should have said so sooner.” Nobunaga’s angelic smile was anything but. “Is there some matter that require my immensely qualified expertise?”

“Depends on if you agree. Are you sure you're up to the task?”

By this point, I was bracing for myself to get hit. It would’ve been so fucking worth it though.

Her smile cracked a little. “I’m not agreeing to anything until I know what you have in mind. Spit it out already, you hateful brat.”

“Pft, you're no fun.” I waved my free hand at my face. “It’s simple. You. Do my paperwork. For a month. Then I’ll go.”

One second. Two. Then she removed her hand. “One single month, starting from when we return. Anything made before that is out.” She replied, voice returning to normal.

“Great! Thanks for the month long vacation!” I smiled, preparing to duck and run. “So much better than having only a day or two off, am I right?”

“Oh I agree.” She raised a hand, clenching it into a fist. “Everything after that is just me generously offering to help with your training!”

The moment she threw a punch TNT (Crap is that name sticking?) appeared before her in a burst of flames, ready to counter that punch as I ducked and rolled away from her reach. “Catch me if you can, just make sure not to pull your back old lady!”

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I’M NOT OLD YOU SHITTY BRAT!”

====

It took a lot of days, not as much as the last time I crossed the country at least, but we finally arrived at Ganryuu Island. There was a single ferry connecting it to the mainland, with the harbor on the island being a single wooden plank next to a beach of fine sand. Where the shore ended there was grass, soon followed by a forest of gnarled trees. All in all, it was very picturesque.

“Hey, hey. Che-ny!” BenBen called. “Do they sell any delicious food on Ganryuu Island?”

“Ganryuu Island is deserted, Benkei.” Himiko told her. “I don’t think there are any shops or restaurants...Ah! That person holding that really long sword!” She pointed. “That must be Sasaki Kojiro!”

She was… Different than I was expecting. Lot less purple for one thing. Tall, lanky, and with the face of a thug, she was not at all in any way easy on the eyes as she scowled at the world, her long red ponytail reaching down to the end of her sword sheath, which was no mean feat when you looked at the blade in question. Her dress wasn’t even that good looking either, with a jarring combination of red and orange barley even reaching her legs before she let white stockings do the rest of the work. Combined with the cold aura she gave off? She was a goddamn nightmare to look at.

It’s, it’s like they tried to make Canada into a waifu honestly…

“It seems Miyamoto Musashi still isn’t here.” Himiko continued.

“Her sword...It’s so long.” BenBen observed with amazement. “Can she really fight with something like that?”

“Just be glad it’s not a gunblade BenBen.” I nodded, “Only edgy angsty people use long blades that also serve as a gun. It just seems to come with the territory, that and black leather.”

Barring Thouma of course, wait no.

“Gun...blade? A blade that is also a gun? How does that even work?” NobuNobu scoffed. “Swords are swords, and guns are guns. If you try to fuse them together just because you can’t be assed to bring both you would only get a monstrosity too brittle to serve as a melee weapon.”

“Since the duel hasn’t started yet, let’s try to talk with Sasaki-san.” Yoshi suggested.

I instantly took a step back and crossed my arms into an x shape. “Not it.”

“I’ll do it.” Himiko slowly approached before calling out to the redhead. “Umm...Excuse me? Are you by any chance Sasaki Kojiro?”

“Mm.” Distracted from her silent contemplation, she looked at everyone without a change in expression. In contrast her next words were more curious than anything. “Indeed I am. But, who are you?”

“We’re...he’s...Aaagh! I wanted to address the topic of who’s who when we returned, not now!” After an awkward start Himiko wails in frustration. She cleared her throat. “Let’s try again. I’m Himiko, and those are my Onii-san and friends. We rule Zipang, and soon the world.”

“Oni-san? Rule the world?” Sasaki repeated in confusion.

Ah crap why did we leave this to Himiko of all people…

I silently jabbed Yoshi forward with my elbow.

She immediately took the hint. “Himiko, you’re just confusing her. Maybe it’s best I step in.”

“Oooh...Alright…” She slumped down.

“A pleasure to meet you, Sasaki-dono.” Yoshi offered the swordswoman a formal nod. “My name is Minamoto no Yoshitsune. The awkward girl is Himiko, the boy is Chen Miyafuji and the others are Musashibou Benkei and Oda Nobunaga.”

“..I see.” Her gaze turned to me. “So you’re the rumored ‘Servant of Heaven’, the successor of Yamato Takeru-sama.”

I just silently gave her a thumbs up in response. She looked at the gesture strangely but said nothing. Maybe she understood the meaning behind it?

“Rumors of it have spread so far?” Yoshi asked.

“As inexperienced as I am, even I know how famous all of you are. What business do you have with a mere swordswoman like me?”

“Obviously, to see your duel with Musashi Miyamoto.” Nobu answered with a cheeky grin. “And scout the winner, maybe even the both of you.”

“I see.” She didn’t sound very surprised. “But I am a student of the world...I have no interest in the wars of nations. My only goal is to polish my sword technique by fighting the strongest opponents I can.”

“She seems like a really tough person…” Himiko softly commented.

“If you join the Zipang army, you can fight strong swordsmen from other countries.” BenBen cheerfully said, unintentionally making a good point.

“Hm...Really? Then…” For a moment Sasaki seemed very interested before hastily composing herself. “But first! I must defeat my most worthy adversary, Musashi Miyamoto! I thank you for your generous offer, but right now I must fully dedicate both my mind and body to our duel.”

She’s... actually nicer than I thought she’d be. Granted I thought the same of Yamato, but it’s still a surprise.

Also that sword dedication is reminding me a bit too much of China, go back to Canada you filthy gaijin.

Heh, hypocritical humor.

“But that Musashi...she’s late.” She turned to look in the harbor’s direction, a hint of disappointment in her voice. “The scheduled time for our duel has long passed by.”

“When was it supposed to be?” Yoshi asked.

“Two hours ago.”

“Two hours!?” Himiko gasped. “You’ve been waiting that long?”

“I’m a patient woman.” She simply replied. “I’m starting to get a little perturbed, though.”

“Eh, I’d give it about… fifteen minutes or so.” My shoulders shrugged. “By that point she’s either very late or she’s not coming.”

“Nonsense. An agreement to duel is a sacred thing for a swordsman...I can’t believe there would be a swordsman who would neglect their promise.”

“Well, I suppose at this point all we can do is wait as well.” Yoshi said. “Come on everyone, I prepared some refreshment.”

And like that she pulled out a goddamn picnic.

====

This was more than fifteen minutes.

“The sun has started to go down, yet no one has shown up yet.” Himiko stated the very obvious. Standing up she approached the still unmoving Sasaki. “Uhm, Kojiro-san? I don’t think...”

“What?” She replied with an emotionless tone.

“I think...she really skipped out on you?”

“No, there is no way the one who is called the ‘Two Swords Dragon’ would break a sacred promise between swordsmen.” She insisted.

“Even so, not all swordsmen are as diligent as you, Kojiro-san. Instead of waiting forever for someone who may not even come, why don’t you sit down with us in the meantime?”

“T-Thank you for your kind offer, but I must decline. For now I’ll wait here for Musashi. I won’t move a single step!”

“She’s really stubborn.” I heard Himiko comment under her breath when she came back.

“Eh, just leave her be.” I replied. “Hopefully she doesn’t have to wait for three days and two nights only for… whoever we’re waiting on to really be lost the whole time but by the time she gets here we’ve already left and gotten her to come along with us to china where she falls into a cursed spring and ends up changing genders depending on what water temperature she’s splashed with.”

A sigh escaped my lips before I rolled over to my side, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a nap. Wake me when the person we’re waiting for arrives.”

====

I ended up waking up by myself. The moon was high in the sky, BenBen was fast asleep on Yoshi’s lap, NobuNobu was snoring loudly and Himiko has resorted to chanting some kind of nursery rhyme to pass the time. Meanwhile Kojiro still looked the same as I last saw her, the same position too, but the peanut gallery got an addition in the form of a flock of creepy-looking owls, standing on the trees with glowing eyes and making their characteristical cries.

“No, Miyamoto-san hasn’t arrived yet.” Yoshi informed me as I began to sit up. “So, what was this about cursed springs and changing gender based on water temperature?”

“Old story from back home.” I began with a yawn as I tried to wake myself up. “Well, I say old but it’s only like… twenty years old? Holy shit it’s been twenty years or so since it came out. Dammit all, I wasn’t even born in the 90s and It seems like it wasn’t even that long ago.”

While we were talking Himiko has stood up and slowly approached Sasaki. “Kojiro-saaan?”

“...” The swordswoman didn’t reply, her eyes closed.

“Are you awake?”

“Grr…” Just then her eyes snapped open, raw fury brimming in her pupils. The following rant was that of a teenage girl whose boyfriend stood up on their date. “MUSASHIII! WHY HAVEN’T YOU COME?!” She screamed to the heavens.

“Yahhh!? Don’t scare me like that!” Himiko cried.

“What, you’re scared?! Musashiii!”

“Wake up the whole island why don’t you.” I grumbled, covering up my ears. “Not that there’s anyone to wa… Oh shit.”

“Munyaaa?” Benben instantly sit up, Yoshi raising her chin just enough to avoid collision. “What? What’s happening?”

“Shit! An enemy?!” NobuNobu went from sprawled on the ground to wielding her rifle in a matter of seconds. “Where?!”

“Calm down already!” Fucking… “Sasaki’s patience finally ran thin and she’s currently in the middle of a tantrum. Makes me wonder what she was thinking about this whole time honestly…”

Kojiro suddenly stopped shouting. “I have to go find her!”

“W-Wait a second! Do you even know where to search?”

“Of course. The tea house close to the harbor on the mainland. I heard Musashi’s a regular there.”

====

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE LEFT ZIPANG?!”

“Yes, yes.” The old man behind the counter nodded, eyes squinting as he absentmindedly kept polishing a plate. “Musashi-chan told me that for a while she wanted to go on a tour of the world to sample the food of different countries. Just yesterday she finished gathering enough money for the journey and came here to say goodbye.”

“...I was wrong.” I declared, a bit dumbstruck by this turn of events. “Sasaki isn’t Ranma, she’s Ryuga.”

“This, this, this makes no sense!” Kojiro wails. “What about our duel?”

“Duel?”

“Yes! The one on Ganryuu Island!”

“Oh? But there is nothing on Ganryuu Island. No game, and it’s the wrong season for fishing.” The old man’s eyes squinted even more. “Why would Musashi-chan go there?”

Saski began despairing even harder.

“Geez, what’s the deal with that?” NobuNobu snorted. “Did you make that promise while drunk? Or did she just forget?”

“Unforgivable. It’s absolutely unforgivable.” Sasaki began to mutter. “I'll find her even if it takes years! Then I'll make her understand what it means to break a promise to duel!”

“...You know? Instead of wasting years doing it alone, we could have the Zipang army gather intelligence.” NobuNobu began with a suspicious smirk. “Since our aim is world conquest, we’ll surely stumble upon the place Musashi is currently in.”

“W-What?” Caught by surprise Sasaki turned to look at the pink-haired girl.

“That’s definitely more effective than searching blindly. In return, how about you join us?”

“Hmm…” She seemed to seriously consider NobuNobu’s proposal. A quick look inside her coin purse, followed by a resigned sigh, and Sasaki reached a decision. “...Alright. I’ll cooperate with the Zipang army. However! Once you find Musashi tell me immediately. Those of ill enough character to neglect a promise to duel deserve to be punished!”

“Well then, that’s three for… Whatever on Hero recruitment.” I declared. “Now, as long as she never says the phrase ‘Musashi, because of you I’ve seen hell!’ we’ll get along great.”

====

Notes:

NNB: I realized two things this update. One ended up with me coining the term ‘Social’ (Or in a different meaning at least), the second is just making me hit myself because I realized I should’ve billed the end of part one as the end of the first light novel volume. It’s 80 pages long at least so it counts for something right?

Alex: Well, if all the stuff until now was an original work we may have used it on Patreon or something to make some money. As it is, only free-form for us.

NNB: Nah man, you can totally get people to pay you shit on Patreon even if you’re writing fanfics. It’s not like you’re selling the fanfic (Commissions don’t count), it’s just… “Support”

 

Chapter 21: God Save The Queen

====

All of us heroes had crowded around the command table at the request of Himiko, unfortunately… there was a small problem with that.

This was the Yamatai meeting room, even if It had been rebuilt. In other words, this room was still small.

“Now then, I’d like to begin the very first official meeting of the Zipang Army.” Himiko began, standing up and speaking clearly to have everyone’s attention. “Now that we’re achieved unification and the reconstruction of Yamatai is complete, we’ve gained some new allies. In order to avoid confusion, we should elect a new supreme commander.”

“It’s just gonna be you, isn’t it?” NobuNobu remarked. “You don’t have to be so formal, we already know.”

“A more suitable candidate has arrived.” She replied instead of confirming the other girl’s words. “I intend to yield my seat to him.”

Then she turned to face me and smiled. “Onii-san, please lead us well from here on out.”

I stared, I stared real hard .

“The Kusanagi… The one who can use that sword must be the King of Zipang. Please lead us.”

I kept staring as everyone began to start growing impatient as far as I could tell.

“...” Even Himiko began to fidget. “...Onii-san, you’re Zipang’s supreme commander now. Pretty please?”

“Whaaaaaat.” I said flatly. “Okay, um, Himiko? Himiko look at yourself. Now look at me. Ask yourself, is this really a good idea?”

“Honestly? I have my doubts.” Sei snorted in amusement at Himiko’s words. “But the sword ‘chooses’ its user. By tradition, unless one of us can draw the sword you’re the one and only legitimate candidate.”

“...So that’s your decision then.” Yoshi spoke with her usual cool. “Chen-san. Having the wielder of the Kusanagi not being the King would cause an uproar among the people.”

“I’m annoyed that you made such a reasonable proposal, but I’ll support it. He’s certainly a better option than you, Himiko.” NobuNobu added with sarcasm.

“Benkei doesn’t really understand, but okaaay.”

“No objections here.” Tama added.

“It’s fine, isn’t it? Let’s take things nice and easy.” Sei replied in a carefree manner.

“The Kusanagi’s judgment is absolute.” Maragi stated.

“I am a simple student of the sword, so I’ll defer to the majority.” Was Sasaki’s reply.

Himiko smiled. “Then it’s unanimous!”

I sighed.

Fucking hell I’m in charge of a country now?

With a smooth motion of my hands the Kusanagi was in front of my eyes. It’s clear edge reflecting back towards me as I glared at it hard. “You know? Sometimes I hate yo- OW! Fuck you too!”

And with another quick move I jammed it back into the sheath. “Asshole of a sword…”

“Fascinating. I have heard the Kusanagi possessed a sort of sentience, but this is the first time I witness it with my own eyes…” I heard Magari mutter.

“If It’s you, Onii-san, it will be alright.” Himiko tried to reassure me. “We’ll support you with whatever you need.”

“You should stand at the helm of the Zipang Army.” Yoshi smiled. “Let us help with all the hard work.”

“And you’ve got authority as the Servant of Heaven too.” NobuNobu grinned. “We’re counting on you.”

You know, now that I think about it, do I count as the Servant of Heaven when there is no Heaven? I mean I was certainly the Servant of Man but still.

Wait crap that makes me sound like I’m Jesus.

“Honesty…” The word escaped from my lips before I even realized it. “I still think you’re putting your faith in the wrong person. But there’s no getting out of it is there? If I try to decline Kusanagi would probably set me on fire and I’d have to deal with Himiko.”

“H-Hey! What is that supposed to mean?!” The girl in question stammered.

“There is a reason you never get high-fives and you know exactly what it is!”

“Y-You’re still angry with that?! Look, I said I am sorry!” She protested. “I’m not making plans to make people do what I want with subtle blackmail and guilt trips anymore anyway!”

“Anymore?!”

“I’m sorry, I misspoke. What I meant, is that I have never thought about doing such dastardly things in my life.” She stated with utter seriousness.

“How far do your dark plans go?!” I exclaimed in the same amount of seriousness. “Is this why NobuNobu is so much NobuNobu?! How much havoc have you wrecked upon the world?!”

“...I am already regretting this.” NobuNobu said, expression utterly blank.

“Alright, please stop this.” Yoshi gently chided us. “From here on out, we’ll work to expand our territory and advance on the continent. We have to start with a country close to us. It would be a mistake to attack without the right intelligence.”

“That would be East Asia. Am I right, Lady Yoshitsune?” Tama asked.

“That’s correct. Due to the disorders in Zipang until now we don’t know the current situation of the continent, or the state of the sea routes. To remedy that, we will need to send a survey group.”

“...Wait,” I blinked. “Is East Asia a country or just the area?”

“The area.” Tama explained. “The whole Asian continent is huge, so it’s commonly divided into East Asia and West Asia.”

“I figured it would become necessary eventually, so I prepared ahead of time.” Smiling smugly NobuNobu took out a box and opened it, revealing… an honest-to-god crystal ball. “Those are called Communication Stones. It allows you to communicate over any distance. Communications can’t be intercepted and it never runs out of energy. I spent a fortune for them!”

Westaboo.

“I’m not even going to question how that works because the answer is most likely fucking magic.” I sighed. “Okay so, communication stone, what now? We decide who goes on the scouting ship?”

Before someone could answer me Himiko stood up in shock. “C-Communication Stones are absurdly valuable though! How did you manage to get so many of them?”

“They’re cheaper if you order in bulk.” Yoshi informed her. “If you want to know more, you should ask Nobunaga.”

“Nobunaga, what on earth are you ordering?! Zipang doesn’t have the surplus to spend this kind of money!”

“I discussed it with Yoshitsune and ordered them after fixing all your sloppy accounting. I didn’t order enough to put any pressure on us. Don’t lump me in with you.” You could almost literally taste the smugness.

“But...But even so, this might be a bit much…”

“We can’t have too many if we’re aiming for world conquest.” Was her sharp reply. “They’ll become even more necessary as we expand our territory.”

“I have heard that Communication Stones are both valuable and rare. Lady Nobunaga, where did you find so many?” Tama asked.

“Simple, I used Amasson.”

“Pfft!” What?! “You used what?!”

“A trading company in South America. There are branches all over the world, and they deal in any type of goods. However tiny the country, just put in an order and they’ll bring it to you.” She explained. “As far as service companies go, this is the biggest and most convenient. Just press a button to place an order. If you’ve got something you need too, order it now.”

“Uh, no thanks.” I mumbled, stepping away a bit. “R-Right! Just going to ignore that… What’s next?”

“Tadataka-san will, of course, be in charge of the survey group.” Yoshi said, to which Tama nodded with pride. “But one of us should accompany her in case there are troubles.”

Okay so how about-

“In that case, I would like to volunteer myself.” Sasaki spoke. “As the most recent addition to the army, I wish to demonstrate I can pull my own weight.”

“Damn, beat me to it.” I grumbled. “Right yeah, my full support on this. Go ahead.”

====
ì
After their departure I received news of Tama and Sasaki a mere week afterwards. Specifically, when the small girl rushed inside the meeting room after being hastily announced, followed by a composed and calm Sasaki. “My Lord! Emergency! A large fleet of enemy ships are approaching Zipang!”

“Wait what?!” I shouted, standing up from my seat. “What the hell did you guys do?!”

“Nothing! I swear it!” Tama defended herself. “We were in the middle of our navigation when we spotted a fleet without clear affiliation. When they saw us they sent a few ships to attack without even a warning!”

“I sunk the ships that tried to board us, but there were too many of them so we were forced to retreat.” Sasaki finished.

“Gah! FUCKING PIRATES!” My body practically slammed the door open as I began to run through the hallways, Tama and Sasaki following shortly behind me. “Send the order! We’re preparing for battle so get all ships we have ready, got it?! And tell all the heroes to meet me down at the docks!”

====

Now you’re probably expecting a grand battle against pirates after a little declaration like that right? Two ships fighting both the oceans and each other, the sounds of cannon fire blasting off into the air?

Well sorry to say…

“We’re never going to speak of that again.” I mumbled as my feet touched the docks once more. “You hear me? Never again!”

Nothing happened. NOTHING!

“Onii-san, I can understand if you’re disappointed…” Himiko began, but a hand on her shoulder and a shaking of head from Yoshi dissuaded her from continuing.

“Better to drop it.” Then her expression turned pensive. “No banners, no evident affiliation, and they escaped north after a short skirmish...however you see it, that’s strange behavior.”

“There’s a big chance they’ll attack again. The only way to get rid of them is to find their base and strike at them there.” Nobunaga proposed.

“Okay yeah but like, who are they?” I asked. “We know nothing about them. Unless one of happend to follow them or something.”

“I’m confident I can find them with enough time.” Tama said. “The problem is how to search around without being attacked.”

“Oh! I know! I know!” Himiko jumped up and down. “It’s finally time for the priestess to fulfill her duty. I’ll call forth the Divine Wind and drive the pirates away, so that Tadataka-san can find their hideout.”

“You can do that?”

“It’s a ritual that those in Himiko family had used often in the past to protect the country.” Yoshi explained. “Though, are you sure you can do it Himiko? It’s not easy to perform it…”

“It’ll be fine! Mother managed it for the first time when she was my own age, I cannot fall behind!” She boasted.

I started to have very serious doubts on the whole thing when, later on, Himiko began to chant a bizarre prayer while standing in a circle made from a cross with garlic, a clay figurine with a tortoise shell and, since she forgot some kind of crystal, a random shiny rock found on the beach. “Divine wind! Oh Divine Wind! Drive away the invaders!! Amen! Namu Myoho Renge Kyo… Please cleanse and purify our land…”

“Were those even real words?” I mumbled as I watched the whole shebang.

“In this kind of ritual, feelings are more important than implementation.” Even Sei seemed a bit worried. “Though, with that kind of setup, it would not surprise me if Himiko ends up cursing the pirates to death.”

“I… I mean that’s bad but would it be a problem?” I mumbled, putting my hand to my chin. “Wait no we need to find out the mystery behind them.”

“If this isn’t enough already, I’ll really put some feeling into it! Some god somewhere must be willing to help!” She began to wave her stick even harder. “Grant me the strength to help Onii-san and everyone...Grant me the strength to help Onii-san and everyone…”

EMIYA if you pull some bullshit I swear you won’t be just the positive side of humanity anymore.

Obviously he didn’t take my threat seriously, because as Himiko continued chanting the wind picked up, growing stronger and stronger until there was a literal, fuck-huge storm forming far away on the sea. The only saving grace was that it was visibly moving away from Zipang, and in the direction the pirates’ main fleet escaped to.

“Did we really need that?!” I yelled at the sea. “How fucking long were you waiting to summon a storm!?”

Nobody answered. In fact, the others were giving me funny looks.

“Stupid smug bastard…” I grumbled. “Nice job Himiko.”

“Eh eh. Thank you Onii-san.” She smiled while still waving her stick. “But please don’t insult the god that answered, they may change idea and send the storm back to us.”

“Don’t worry, me and him got a deal going on.” I waved my hand. “Also what God?”

“Uhm...No idea. Let’s just call him Benevolent God-sama.” Himiko decided.

“Hahaha…” I chuckled. “It’s nice that you think that.”

====

Soon, and I’m not even sure why I’m surprised, Tama managed to locate their base. But like…

“How.” I mumbled once more as I stared at the tiny woman. The ship rocked underneath our feat as the cool sea breeze whipped against my face. “How?”

“It was, quite literally, a case of exceptional good luck.” She adjusted her glasses and began explaining. “After the storm Lady Himiko conjured was sufficiently far away to safely sail I began my investigation of the recorded bays and islands around Zipang that could house a fleet of those dimensions. In doing so I overheard a few sailors commenting how the storm was behaving strangely, moving in different directions than one would expect. So, after it stopped over a certain coastline for a few days before finally ending I decided to investigate it.”

She gestured to the fleet anchored around said coastline. “And that’s what I found.”

“...For some reason that sounds complicated but at the same time strangely simple.” I commented before shaking my head. “Must be my imagination.”

“We finally found them...Today’s the day we show them a thing or two!” Himiko said with determination.

“It looks like they know we’re here.” Yoshi commented. “Well, it was impossible to come close without being spotted. Their ships have taken considerable damage, but they still outnumber us…”

The pony-tailed girl thought for a moment before looking at Sei. “Seimei, can you do something about it?”

“Mmh? If it’s Yoshitsune asking it, I guess I can.” She took out a paper strp, four paper dolls floating around her. “Magoroku, can you do your thing?”

“As you wish, Lady Abe.” Setting down like a cane her giant pair of pliers Maragi raised her right hand, palm up, and closed her eyes in concentration. A sparkling flame, like that of a forge, appeared above her palm before she brought it closer to Sei, where it was absorbed by the blonde’s body.

Immediately the aura I associate with accumulated Brave appeared around Sei’s body, strong enough to be visible with the naked eye. Unlike mine, which is really just my surroundings being set on fire, this looked like actual energy. The flow of weird magic shit spreading from her body gave her an enchanting light that could never be unseen.

It was… kinda cool.

Sei clapped her palms together in some sort of hand gesture, the paper strip held between two fingers. Then she started chanting: “On the East, the Azure Dragon Seiryu. On the South, the Vermilion Bird Suzaku. On the West, the White Tiger Byakko. On the North, the Black Turtle Genbu.”

The four paper dolls began to spin around her faster and faster, changing into energy-based forms of the four creatures Sei was referencing.

“Converge. Then, collapse.” She winked, a mischievous grin on her lips, before thrusting her hands forward. “Grand Cross!”

The four creatures, still spinning in a cross formation, shot forward in the direction of the enemy fleet, until they couldn’t be seen anymore.

A second later a giant cross-shaped explosion went off right in the middle of the fleet, sinking most of the ships caught in the radius and leaving the rest a smoking mess.

Before I had even realized it my hands were clapping as slowly as I could, eyes wide open. “Holy fucking shit. That’s impressive.”

Yoshi smiled. “There is a reason I recommended her to you.”

“Yosh! Now’s the time to strike!” NobuNobu raised her musket before pointing it forward. “Board those scallywags and take their stuff!”

“Yar har, fiddle di dee.” I deadpanned in response, pulling the Kusanagi out of it’s sheath. “Do what ya want ‘cause a pirate be free.”

“Wait. We’re the pirates here?” Himiko asked in confusion.

“Please, ignore them.” Yoshi told her.

The helmsman, hearing our words, ordered the oarsmen to row faster and pointed straight at the closer enemy ship. With the wind blowing in our favor it took less than a minute to arrive: there the bow of our ship smashed into the enemy’s own, making both spin until their sides slammed against each other. Sailors waiting in preparation throw grapplers to bind the two ships together, and just like that we had a terrain for a land-based battle.

“Well,” I smirked at my crew. “Plundering and lootin ahoy mateys. Who’s ready to show these scallywags why you don’t mess with the infamous Yamatai Crew?”

“You think we’re done for?” One of the pirates from the other ship, strangely dressed on long concealing white robes, shouted back. “Crush them all!”

With a yell both crew rushed at each other, and the battle was on.

As I went along with my standard plan of ‘swinging my sword at anyone in front of me’ I found myself fighting next to Sasaki. The redhead was making full use of her stupidly long sword’s reach, crossing weapons with swordsmen and spearmen alike. She was fast and graceful like Yoshi, but where the latter would stay nimble on her feet Sasaki moved with simple and deliberate steps, her sword moving to intercept blows and strike openings with almost supernal swiftness. It was as if she could predict the enemy’s moves...or maybe she had already taken control of the flow of battle, and now the enemies could do nothing but move according to her will.

Meanwhile I… was not doing so hot.

Literally.

“WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM?!” I shouted as a bunch of pirates tried to mob me. My blade cut them in half with ease but there was still a lot of them. “THERE SHOULD NOT BE THIS MANY OF YOU! AT AL- GAH FUCKING SHANKERS!”

A surge of anger welled up inside me as TNT manifested behind me and soon the guy who had just tried to stab me with a broken sword had his head cut off with pure fire. Blood didn’t even come out of the wound, he just turned to mere ash.

...Huh, so that’s what happened when I hit a squishy with TNT.

“Onii-san! Don’t use fire on the ship!” Himiko cried out. “Guh! There’s no end to them. If this keeps up, they’ll break through! There must be some way to turn the tide-Uwahh! My skirt! They got my skirt with an arrow!”

“Not looking!” I shouted as TNT vanished from the air and- NOPE FUCK YOU WELCOME TO STABVILLE POPULATION EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE! “Who the hell even are you people?! I mean, I know we came to beat you all up and steal your stuff but come on!”

Nobody answered, unless you count ‘keep fighting’ as their way to do so.

“More enemy ships incoming!” I heard NobuNobu yelling. Then her tone changed to disbelieving. “Wait, I recognize those banners...no way.”

Through the haze of blood and mist, I saw it. The signal of the end, a holy golden light that rose up into the sky high above the clouds and pierced even the sky itself. Everyone stopped moving, all mesmerized by the enchanting beam as it came CLOSER TO US OH GOD-

For the next few seconds my world was a bright golden light, I had even shut my eyes in order to avoid being blinded and yet it still burned itself into my retinas. The wind picked up and positively exploded into my face as I struggled to stand up right in the face of the powerforce and after what seemed like a lifetime...

Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked. We were unharmed but the enemy ships? Oh the enemy ships were just gone. Like, literally, it’s not like there were smoking wrecks they were just gone.

I turned to the pirate next to me as our eyes met. The same feeling passed through us then and there as we came to a mutual understanding of “What the hell just happened?”

And then I kicked him in the stomach and into the sea.

“...What?” I asked incredulously as every turned to stare at me. “We’re still fighting right?”

It’s not like he’d die from tha- “Gah!”

Apparently the pirates had decided to follow him as they all jumped into the ocean like a roaring flood. Me and probably the rest of the crew on the ship stared dumbstruck as, swimming perfectly with the waves, the pirates all attempted to swim as far away from us as possible. In the ocean.

“Let’s be honest here, I would probably do the same if that happened to us.” A soldier commented. “What in the name of the gods was that?!”

“W-What immense strength…” Himiko breathed in awe. “An enemy with such a huge force ended up completely destroyed… Someone came to our aid?”

“I recognize the banners they hoist.” NobuNobu suddenly said with a grim tone. “Those ships...are from Britannia.”

“...Alright, bullshit rescue for the win then.” I nodded, “We aren’t even anywhere near Britannia last I checked though, you think that was just some famous pirate crew and they were chasing them down or something?”

“I don’t know.” Yoshi mused. “Let’s hope they’re willing to have a peaceful meeting.”

====

They did: in fact, they requested them first. So I, Himiko, Yoshi, NobuNobu and Sei went to meet their representatives.

Noble-looking knights in white armor were forming two opposing files, standing straight and proud like statues. And between them… Between them… Be.. Tween… Them…

Between them were the most gaudiest, most horrifyingly disgusting cases I have ever seen of aristocracy in my life! Three girls stood between them and the first two alone could have given me an aneurism! A purple haired girl on the left, decked out in a white and gold dress that covered absolutely no skin at all! Now, I know I walked around with someone who had no pants but at least in NobuNobu’s case her armour was fucking metal! The only metal I could see where her gauntlets and the gold! The fucking gold! Do you know how weak gold is?!

Luckily on the right was the least serious offender of all, while her dress was big and poofy it was still covered by armor in the important bits like you know, her fucking guts. While she, with her flowing blue hair and her admittedly nice crystal sword, still looked gaudy as shit, she at least looked like an actual fucking guard even if her shield was literally half her size and her sword was even longer!

And then… And then there was the girl who sat in the middle of them. The ruler, for she had a crown on her head and everyone on their side was showing her respect, had flowing blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. That’s about as much as I can say calmly for she looked like someo villainess out of a fucking Otome Game! She screamed, no, she roared aristocracy with her frilly white and gold dress and noble mannerisms that seemed to suggest “Oh dear heaven’s just look at the time? Is it tea time?”. Every single molecule in her body seemed to ooze out smug, like it was her god given right to rule over everybody else like the dolls and pigs we were. In fact, I’m pretty sure that instead of the ionic bonds that kept every other person’s molecules together, her entire being was just held together by pure smug and arrogance while nobility was just woven into her DNA from the moment she was born.

Let’s just say that I didn’t like these people thank you very much!

Yoshi elbowed me in the side and whispered. “Please, be polite. I’ll physically restrain you if I deem it necessary.”

“I’m not going to stab someone just because they look like they were born barfing up gold and everyone worshiped them in response.” I whispered back. “That’d be rude.”

She looked at me in unreasonable skepticism before sighing. “Let’s hope so.”

“A pleasure to meet you for the first time.” Queen Bitch greeted us with a sweet voice and an even sweeter smile, looking straight at me. It made me sick. “Please forgive us for the sudden intrusion.”

“Is this about the whole pirate thing?” I asked, sitting down on the chair across from her. “Or was that just a coincidence and you were already on your way here after word of Zipang’s unification reached your ears?”

“Ah, yes. Indeed, it is as you said. But I don’t believe it to be mere coincidence, because love is deeper and greater than all things…”

What.

“Grrr…” Oh God, did Himiko just growl?

“And who is this lady?” Queen Bitch asked next, looking honestly puzzled. “Did she indeed just growl at me?”

Yoshi’s hand clamped down on Himiko’s mouth like a steel vice. “Oh, don’t worry about her. She’s just in her rebellious phase…” She replied with an innocent smile.

“Mumumuh!” Himiko tried, and failed, to deny the accusation.

“Ah, please be as you are.” She looked back at me. “Then please, if I could ask once more, might you be the ruler of Zipang?”

“I have the sword so yes.” I nodded, trying not to laugh as Himiko started to turn red.

“The sword?”

“My Queen, if I may.” The blue-haired girl interjected. “I am to believe the ruler of Zipang is chosen by the will of a sacred sword, who only allows the destined ruler to take it out of its sheath.”

“Ah, how fascinating.” It was faint, but...was she blushing? “The patriotic hero who unified Zipang… I’ve been waiting for the day I might meet you…”

“Waiting for the day?” My eyebrow rose. “The unification wasn’t even that long ago so imagine my surprise when a queen who lives halfway across the world has been waiting to meet me.”

“I like to be informed about what happens in the world, even if it is far away. Ah, pardon the lateness of my introduction.”

She stood up and performed a perfect curtesy. “My name is Arthur, Queen of Britannia.”

“My name is Galahad, a knight in the service of Her Majesty Arthur.” The blue-haired girl proudly proclaimed.

“Gawain. I’m the same.” The purple-haired girl smiled.

“I have come now as an envoy to express Britannia’s good intent.” Arthur continued. “I would like to discuss the possibility of establishing friendly relations with Zipang.”

“I see.” I nodded, “So that’s why you’re here huh.”

Let’s see, they wanted friendly relationships, and that certainly wasn’t a bad thing. From their might and their looks, they were certainly a powerhouse in some way of the word.

If we get them on our side, our economy could advanced exponentially. Or… something.

You know I’m not entirely sure how the economy works despite the fact that It’s my job to make sure the economy is running. Wait no, my job is to stab people and to look semi decent, it’s Yoshi’s job to run the economy. I think. Should probably find out who’s doing that.

Still, it was a good offer. In fact, it was a great offer. So naturally, I gave my reply.

“No.”

====

Notes:

Alex: ….No?

Chen: It's counter productive. I mean, I got told by literally everyone to take over the world and while the deal might be good in the short term but in the long term? It'll get in our way.

Chen: You know (This was explained by Yoshi off screen after Inherit The Earth) how Britania goes around trying to make deals for peace? Well then every single one of those countries becomes off limits. I can't touch them, otherwise Britannia will get on our ass. And even if I avoid the countries that don’t have friendly relations then Arthur’s peace loving attitude will probably get in the way and ask us to stop, even threatening to take away their support from the deal. Which is a problem as by that time, we’ll probably be relying on their support a whole bunch.

Chen: Long story short? They’ll have us by the balls if we take that deal.

Alex: Honestly, it makes sense *frantically writes down new notes*

 

Chapter 22: In The Name Of Love

====

I had barely finished talking when Yoshi and NobuNobu tackled me out of the chair.

“What he means-” The purple-haired girl told the Britannian delegation with a dazzling smile. “Is that we cannot give you a definite answer before discussing it among ourselves. Please give us some time.” Then she turned back to me and stopped smiling.

“What are you thinking?” NobuNobu snarled. “You don’t just say no like that. What if they take offence?”

“Well it’s not like they’re going to kill us.” I growled back, picking myself up before plopping myself back down on the chair, but still low enough to not be heard by Queeny and her knights. “Britannia is a diplomatic country, not one getting by on pure military might. They kill us, a small country that just had unification again, and they risk setting in motion a series of events that could have the entire world against them with the right amount of word twisting. Plus, I don’t think they’re the kind of nation to bully a smaller nation for not agreeing with their peace deal. That’s still bad PR ,come to think of it, but I still stand by what I know of them.”

“...I am not sure what PR is, but I can guess.” Yoshi finally said.

“Have you seen that girl? ‘I don’t believe it to be mere coincidence, because love is deeper and greater than all things’.” NobuNobu looked ready to vomit. Honestly I still had no idea what that sentence even meant but I wasn’t prepared to find out. “She’s a weirdo, plan and simple. Who knows what goes on inside her head?”

“Be that as it may be, it doesn’t change the fact Britannia is one of the strongest nations in the world. You can even consider it the last hurdle in our conquest. I didn’t expect for us to make contact like this so soon.” Yoshi sighed before looking at me. “Why are you opposed to friendly relationships with Britannia anyways?”

A sigh escaped my lips as well as I tilted my head back and turned towards the sky. “How many nations does Britannia have peaceful relationships with?”

“I don’t know.”

“Estimate. Approximate. Give me your best guess.”

She thought about it. “...At the very least, two or three of the other European nations. Maybe more if they can afford to send an expedition so far away.”

“And if we take the deal-” I began, giving my hand a wave. “All of those countries will now be off limits if we want to keep that friendly relationship. It doesn’t matter how weak they are, or if they’re in the path of nearby targets. We mess with those countries, even just sending troops through them, we’re essentially giving Britannia a gut punch and if we take the deal we can’t afford to do that. Question number two: How has the state of Zipang been in the last few years?”

“If it comes to that we just need to be strong enough to win, but I can see your point. I don’t want too many powerful bastards ganging up on me, one was enough.” NobuNobu grumbled. “And to answer your question: shit. It has been shit. You know that well enough. We have just recovered enough to support a military campaign oversea.”

“Okay so now follow with me. We’ve been in a shitty situation and suddenly this big national power comes and helps us out. Boosts our trade, helps out redeveloping the country all the nice stuff.” I held my hand out in front of my face before closing it into a fist in an instant, a tiny flame burning at the very tips of my knuckle. “But then we piss them off and all of a sudden, they decide to stop being friendly with us. So answer me this, how bad would that situation be?”

“If you ask me, it's more likely Arthur wants friendly relationships with you.” NobuNobu snorted. “Did you see how she look at you? But to answer your question: yes, it would be bad.” A pause. “That’s why it’s better to use the resources from nations we conquer. I’m not so foolish to become dependant on someone stronger than me, and I would punch any of us that would suggest that.”

“What Nobunaga is trying to say-” Yoshi added. “Is that it would be greatly helpful to reach an accord to stop Britannia from attacking us right now. Because we could never win.”

“I see…” I mumbled before lifting my head back towards the table. “Hey Arthur, you aren’t planning on kill- Grk! Uh, attacking us because we said no right?”

Dammit Yoshi, no need to elbow me ugh my sides…

“Who would do such an awful thing?” She looked scandalized, as if I just suggested eating children or something similar, but also sad. “Why does everyone keep asking that…?”

“My Queen.” Galahad interjected. “I know your intentions are pure, but if you go to meet the leader of another nation and just say ‘Let’s be friends!’, it’s natural to be suspicious.” She sighed. “How many times it happened already?”

“All the times.” Gawain dryly replied. Immediately I began snickering from my position before repeating her words to myself.

That’s just… Pfft.

“I...don’t...mean...any offense.” Himiko said slowly while being prodded by Sei. “But what is the reason for wanting friendly relations? Zipang is still a small and weak country, having just been unified.”

“For love.” Arthur replied as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“H-Huh?” Himiko dumbly muttered. Even Sei looked unsure how to react.

“This world is in an age of constant war.” The blonde girl continued with a sorrowful tone. “National ideologies collide and wars unfold endlessly.”

“Oh, here we go again…” Gawain rolled her eyes.

“This is the Queen’s speech. Perhaps we ought to be discreet and just listen respectfully.” Galahad chastised her friend.

Arthur gave no sign she even heard them, so engrossed she was in her words. “Chaos and disorder spread with no signs of stopping. As long as it remains a battle of strength, the circle of war will continue… This world cries out for an able ruler. Without such, world peace can never come to be. To restore this world with a tolerant and loving heart…” She smiled. “Yes...It is love that this world seeks! The love that is bountiful within my own heart!”

I don’t even know if it was something to do with her Brave but soon her surroundings began to sparkle in a glowy, glittering light. The scene was so bizarre, so out of the ordinary even for this world’s standards that the only thing I could compare it to was as if my little sister had dumped glitter all over the room.

Or maybe, I just didn’t want to comprehend this sight in front of me.

“Oh gods, she’s a loon…” I heard NobuNobu whispering under her breath.

“Ahh, the light of a peaceful world shines here and now… The light that will envelop the world fills this beautiful place…”

“Really, shouldn’t we do something?” Gawain was clearly embarrassed.

“It would be...disrespectful…” Galahad replied, clearly forcing herself. Those two must had it rough.

Thankfully the light show came to an end. “I thought it was impossible by myself...But I’ve finally found the bridge to peace.” Arthur passionately declared.

Before moving faster than I could react and cupping one of my hands between her own.

“Servant of Heaven, I would walk together with you.” This time, the blush on her face could not be mistaken for anything else. “Together, with the power of love, we can work toward world peace! The bridge between Britannia and Zipang will connect the world!”

“...What.” I looked at everyone else in the room, “Whaaaaaaaaaaat?”

“Aaaah! No holding Onii-san’s hand, pleeease!” Himiko cried before doing the exact opposite, grabbing my other arm and trying to pull me away from Arthur. “He’s MY brother! Please don’t look at him all hot and bothered like that!”

“I didn’t know you had a younger sister.” Arthur kept smiling. “I shall invite her as well, when the day comes.”

“Brrr! Onii-san, I implore you to stay away from this woman! She’s clearly delusional! A stalker!”

“Aah, it is true. I have been swept away...by this sweet fantasy called love…”

“She, she doesn’t even listen to people when they talk…”

I-I-I How do you even deal with this!? “Uh, I, Uh, I, Um, Ah- Yeah I um, uh….”

I turned to everyone else in the room. I had no idea what kind of face I was making but it sure wasn’t a happy one. “H-Help! A bit of help here!”

“To not be shaken by this situation, he’s not to be taken lightly…” Gawain commented. It was like she didn’t care everyone could hear her. And what she meant by 'not shaken'? I was totally shaking right there!

All the other knights were looking up at the ceiling, probably doing their best to ignore the reality around them.

NobuNobu looked close to losing herself to a laughing fit, Yoshi seemed to ponder the best way to interfere and Sei...was having a paper doll sketch the whole shenanigan on paper?

“If this keeps up, the ruler of Zipang will be split in two… Let us put a stop to this at once.” Only Galahad retained some common sense. “My Queen, we should proceed with the meeting. We have yet to even mention conditions, surely negotiations cannot proceed in this state?”

“Is that so… If Galahad says so, I guess it’s for the best.” She finally let go of my hand. Himiko reluctantly did the same, though she kept glaring at Arthur.

“I’m…” The words stumbled out of my lips. “I… don’t want to remember what just happened.”

“It is a good thing you mentioned conditions.” Yoshi began. “You talked of a friendly alliance, but what would that entails?”

“Ahh...If it isn’t too bold of a request, I dearly wish to spend more time with Sir Miyafuji. Can I call you Sir Miyafuji?” Arthur bashfully asked.

“Just…” Dammit all…. “Just call me whatever.”

Her smile turned outright angelic, and I knew I made a mistake.

“That’s...fine, I guess.” Yoshi conceded. “And?”

Arthur tilted her head in puzzlement. “Is there more I could ask for?”

“When two nations become allies, of course there is a clause of non-aggression between them. I assume this also extends to other nations Britannia is allied with?”

“Ahahah...That would normally be correct.” Gawain awkwardly laughed. “If, we had more allies.”

“The EU made it quite clear we’re next once they pacify their territories.” Galahad stoically began, eyes closed. “The ruler of Russia laughed in our faces, and the USA…” She began to tremble. “The USA…”

“Let’s call it an incident and leave it at that.” Gawain hastily finished.

“What, did they throw all your tea in the harbor?” My mouth spoke on it’s own before I could realize what I was saying.

“That would have been so much better.” She sighed.

“Wait. So...no clauses about going to war with another nation beside Britannia?” Yoshi received a curt nod in response. “And what kind of support would you offer to Zipang?”

“Facilitations to promote trade between our countries, and...and…” Gawain’s expression grew more and more troubled until she turned to Galahad. “We never thought beyond that, right?”

“Yes.” The blue-haired girl stoically added.

“Do you guys even know what diplomacy is?” NobuNobu asked, aghast.

“I mean, too be fair.” I countered. “Do we know what diplomacy is?”

“The art of making others do what you want, either by trickery or force-Guh!” NobuNobu began, only to be silenced by a hand-chop from Yoshi.

“Wrong.” She said with a stoic, disappointed stare. “Queen Arthur. Since Britannia doesn’t intend to place demands, it wouldn’t be fair to ask for something that doesn’t benefit both of our nations. I am sure me and your knights can smooth out the details. In the meantime, since this place is hardly appropriate, would you do us the honor of being our guests in our country’s capitol?”

“Wait.” I raised my hand. “Yoshi… aren’t we heading out for the mainland in like, a few weeks?”

“Tadataka-san has yet to finish her survey. That’ll add plenty of time to wrap this up.”

“...You’re not wrong.”

“Ahh...I am about to visit Sir Miyafuji’s home. How wonderful. My heart feels like it’s about to burst…” Arthur, of course, was already back into her little world.

I mean, I still had some doubts but- Wait no that’s a lie.

These guys were a bunch of losers.

====

You know, after the past few days, I hated everything about the legend of King Arthur. Every single detail. That accursed name makes me almost gain enough Brave to light the capital on fire.

The whole Love thing Queeny was always on about? Apparently she took that way too far. I really wished I was joking but no, she tried multiple times to confront me throughout the past few days and once even attempted to kiss me on the cheek. All of which I hid from in the stealthiest way possible.

Honestly I probably now knew the capitol buildings better than I have ever had to before. Seriously she showed up basically everywhere and it was as creepy as the days when I first met Himiko.

“-And that should be all with the exception of the documents regarding our new friendly relations.” Yoshi looked over the document held by Gawain and nodded. Then the knight turned to me. “If there is no objection, I would humbly request your signature.”

“Huh? Oh right.” I mumbled as Yoshi’s words brought me back to reality. “Just point me towards where I need to sign.”

She pointed to the very bottom, where two straight lines were conveniently drawn side by side. The first had Arthur’s signature: it was...very girlish. It even had a heart.

“...Alright now I’m slightly suspicious.” I stared at the signature. “Yoshi, there’s no secret marriage clause added in their right?”

“No, there isn’t.” She confirmed.

“Marriage? Marriage...Marriage...Marriage...Ahh. Surely, such a lovely word is what opens Heaven’s Gates...?” Arthur muttered in her usual daydream.

“Rest assured, I wouldn’t...do that to an human being.” Gawain looked away. “I mean, it would make me happy if the Queen...but does someone like that even exist…?”

“Gawain. Let’s not concern ourselves with things that are at the Queen’s discretion.” Galahad stoically replied.

“Got it.” I nodded, putting my signature on the dotted line. “That’s all right?”

“Yes. With this, our countries are now allies.” Yoshi gave them a formal bow. “Our principles and ideologies may be polar opposites, but we would like to learn much from you.”

“Such a mismatched pairing. It hurts my head.” Gawain muttered. It’s like she tried to be low enough to not be heard, but failed. “Please pray the Queen’s mind does not change.”

“We are grateful for the sincere response.” Galahad began. “Our Queen’s whim may have inconvenienced you. Before we return home, we would like to entrust you with someone as a link to strengthen our friendship.”

“Her knowledge of the conditions of the continent is the highest in Britannia. She might prove useful to have at your side.” Gawain continued. “She is a fellow Knight of the Round Table. Lancelot, enter and announce yourself.”

Nothing happened.

“I have a monty python joke here somewhere.” I mumbled to myself. “Just gotta think for a bit....”

“Perhaps she didn’t hear…? Lancelot, quick! Come and greet the ruler of Zipang!” Gawain repeated with a higher tone.

Still nothing happened.

“Maybe Brave Sir Robin? No that still doesn’t work..”

“Wha-What’s the meaning of this? I do believe I told her to wait outside! Lancelot! Where could she have gone!?” Gawain left the door herself to look for the wayward knight.

“Ah! Got it!” I exclaimed, spreading my arms. “Introducing Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Meeting!”

“I don’t know what you’re referencing, but it sounds very appropriate…” Galahad commented, eyes closed. Then we heard the sound of footsteps approaching. “Finally…”

“Tch...Can’t you even follow directions? What lack of refinement…” Gawain muttered as she returned, followed by a… girl in a white school uniform holding a purple blade in one hand and a half eaten onigiri in the other. She was around my age and- FUCK IT WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT SHOOL UNIFORM?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! I KNOW ARTHUR LOOKS (And kinda acts) LIKE THE VILLAINESS OF AN OTOME GAME BUT NO! NO NO NO NO NO! THIS IS TAKING THAT WAY TOO FAR! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT ALL THE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ARE SCHOOL GIRLS OR SOMETHING?!

HECK SHE DOESN’T EVEN LOOK SPECIAL AT ALL. WITH HER SHORT BROWN HAIR AND CRYSTAL BLUE EYES, IT’S LIKE SOME CHARACTER DESIGNER JUST PICKED UP A RANDOM SCHOOL GIRL OFF THE STREET, GAVE HER A SWORD AND TOLD HER “You’re Lancelot now, go nuts.”

IN FACT, SHE LOOKS… normal…
…

“‘Sup.” I greeted, waving my hands. “You Sir Not-Appearing-At-This-Meeting?”

“Zipang’s cuisine is so delicious!” She happily said while munching on the onigiri. “Sorry, I don’t know anyone with such a long name. I’m Lancelot! Nice to meet you!”

“Lancelot, what are you doing with that food in your hand?” Galahad demanded with a stern tone.

“It’s lunch. The food here is so good…” She continued eating. I could almost make out the sound “*nom* *nom*” as she chewed.

“Isn’t this your fifth meal today!?” Gawain looked puzzle beyond belief. “How much must you eat before you are satisfied!?”

“I had to save room for dessert.” She nonchalantly replied.

“...You’re hopeless…Lancelot, it will be a problem if you’ve forgotten our goal. Just in case, you do remember why we’re here, correct?”

“The egg mixed with rice looks even more delicious! I can’t wait to try-!” Was the totally relevant answer. “Ah, I’m getting hungry. I’ve got to eat quick.”

She finished the onigiri and made to leave, but Gawain grabbed the neck of her shirt to stop her. “Lancelot! You just finished eating! Don’t leave just because you’re hungry again!”

“I’ll give you a specially cooked meal by the best chef I can find if you stay for the meeting.” I said with total seriousness. “Totes.”

“Okayyy!” She immediately sit down next to me.

“I see you already have an inkling about the best way to handle her.” Galahad commented. “Lancelot is new to the Round Table, but her talent comes recommended by her Majesty the Queen.” Said Queen was still lost in daydreaming. “I guarantee her potential. Her personality aside, we would be most pleased if you would take her into your service.”

“She’s like BenBen, but if you replaced weapons with food.” My head nodded, before I held up my hand. “Welcome to the team, up top.”

“I have no idea what I’m supposed to to.” She cheerfully informed me.

“You’ll fit right in!”

“I’m pleased to see you get along.” Arthur, having apparently returned to reality, said. “Lancelot, please greet your new allies.”

“Uwah. Yes, Your Majesty. My name is Lancelot. I’ve just been selected by the Knights of the Round Table, so I’m still in training. I’m not very good at fighting, but whether it be food tasting, poison tasting or table scraps, you can leave it to me!”

“All she does is eat…” Himiko, who until then has remained silent, looked at Lancelot like she was a rare kind of monkey.

“I’m hungry again...Everything smells delicious here…”

“...I can’t help but think we chose the wrong person for this…” Gawain looked like she was regretting a great many things.

“Well I like her already.” I shrugged,.“She seems fun.”

“Nevertheless, we’ve concluded things without difficulty.” Arthur began. “Friends of Zipang, this has indeed been a meaningful visit. Though I regret parting so soon, we must take our leave.” She turned to me. “Next time, shall I pay you a private visit?”

“Er, ahahaha….” CRAP. “Hey uh, Lancelot! I think Arthur has a left over snack on her! Why don’t you ask if the two of you can share?!”

“Indeed, I believe I have a few tartlets left from the ones Kay prepared for the journey. I will gladly share them with you, Lancelot.”

Instantly the brown-haired girl froze, naked panic replacing the ever-present cheerfulness. “N-No! Thank you Your Highness, but I’m not angry anymore.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Absolutely! Fact is, I’m fat! Yes! That! I should lose weight, so don’t feed me please!”

Well, there goes that plan.

Uh, uh, uh….

Crap… How do I get out of this situation?! Do I look like a master of social fu?! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

“That’s too bad. I like watching you eat, Lancelot.” Thankfully Arthur decided to desist. “I look forward to the day we can meet again, Sir Miyafuji. I hope for there to be no hindrance to our official business...But your warmth shall act as my only consolation.”

And then she hugged me. I didn’t have the heart to refuse, though that was going to change if her touching started to become inappropriate.

“Ahh.” She sighed softly. “This alone can help me get through the next thousand nights…”

“Ah- Um- I- Yeah, uhuh.” Please let me go, my face is getting hot. “I- Um, okay? Ah-ah.”

God I’m not usually this nervous of a wreck. Aghhhhhhh!

“Grrr...” And Himiko looked about ready to war.

“My Queen, maybe your show of appreciation has gone beyond the appropriate time for etiquette.” Galahad helpfully suggested.

“Such a pity, but you’re right as always, Galahad.” Thankfully she let go. “And with this, I look forward to the day of our next meeting. Farewell.”

After that they finally left. Leaving behind a single girl that eat for four-five people.

And for fucks sake, I hope I never saw that woman again in my life.

 

Chapter 23: Know Your Enemy

====

After the whole business with Britannia it took Tama a few weeks to complete her survey, but she was finally ready to tell us her findings and had gathered us all in the meeting room once again. Okay no, well not all of us: just me, Himiko, Yoshi, and Nobu.

So basically none of the side characters were invited.

....Okay that wasn’t entirely true, Lancelot was in the back doing Lancelot Things (Read: Eating) but other than us it was the main gang same as always. You know, except Yamato.

Great, now I’m slightly depressed.

“Chen! You have to try this!” Lancelot held out a box filled with rice balls wrapped in seaweed. “The rice looks so appetizing. Like beautiful white pearls in a jewel box...With soft and flexible seaweed...And behold! It comes flavored! The faint, drifting aroma of the sea...the taste spread across it face...could it be, kombu and bonito flakes? The seaweed alone, or with soy sauce, or how about adding a little wasabi?”

“Dude stop.” I held up my hand. “Now you’re just being weird about the whole thing.”

“You mean...Of course! How did I miss it?” She nodded. “It’s not a matter of sauce! We need to add ingredients by crushing them up and mixing them with the rice! Explosion of flavors!”

“You two. You do realize we’re about to start a meeting, right?” Nobu snorted. “Shut up and pay attention. Tadataka, you may begin.”

“Thank you Lady Nobunaga.” Tama gestured to the piles of documents set on the tables. “After my investigation of the state of the continent and tracking of accessible sea routes, I have determined that there are three countries Zipang can start invading: the Taika Empire, Mongolia and India. We will need to conquer at least one of them to reach other countries.”

“Welp-” I began, looking down at the map on the table. “Mongolia is out, India… Eh, something seems off about that, and I have never heard of the Taika Empire in my life.”

Though if it was what I thought it was…

“I have. But just in case...Hey, Lancelot.” Nobu called out to the glutton. “So you know about the continent, eh?”

“I know everything, you know.” She replied as if it was a simple fact. “I was famous even in Britannia.”

“Great. What can you tell us, then?”

“If you mean local specialty goods, I can cover even up to remote villages. From appetizers to main dishes to desserts. I know it all. From bird soup, to shark fin, to pot stickers, even Mongolian meat pastries. Oh, and I’m an expert on curry too.”

“I… have several things to say on that.” Did she… “By everything you aren’t just saying that the food is the only part that matters right?”

“Oh, not at all.” She shook her head. “It’s also important to know where the best dishes are served, the faster and safest routes to reach them, and also the best places to eat a specific dish. The scenery is important to the overall flavour, you know?”

“...Can we send her back?” Nobu asked with an awkward expression.

“I think we just got saddled with an Idiot Savant.” I sighed. “If you want anything out of her just put it in terms of food and she’ll know. For example… Hey Lancelot, what’s the history of the dishes served in Taika?”

“It’s a fascinating topic! Rice is the main ingredient used in many dishes due to its abundance, but it wasn’t until Tai Gong Wang revolutionized fishing techniques that-”

She kept going for two minutes straight, only stopping to eat and swallow, before Yoshi stopped her. “That’s...too much information, and not quite relevant. Nobunaga, you were saying you know about the Taika Empire?”

“Yeah. Listen up, because I’m saying it only once.” She began, circling with her finger the Taika territory. “First, the Taika Empire is big: they hold the most territory in East Asia. They’re ruled by the Empress Qin Shi Huang, who’s assisted by the famous Sun Tzu and Lu Bu.”

Qin Shi Huang? Sun Tzu? Lu Bu?

“Okay this is… kinda embarrassing now.“ I admitted with a shrug. “I guess I’m half Taika? I mean, my dad was from Hong Kong so it doesn’t really count but my grandpa was from standard Taika so… Oh right! We also adopted one of my younger sisters from Taika! Can’t believe I keep forgetting about that. Then again, I haven’t been there since I was like, three.”

“Wait!” Himiko jumped up. “You have younger sisters?! Does this mean...” She gulped. “I am an Onee-sama?”

Cue hand-chop from Yoshi. ”Behave. So, those places also exist in your world Chen-kun? Fascinating. But I‘ve also heard about those three: Sun Tzu, a symbol of wisdom; Lu Bu, a symbol of the warrior arts; and Qin Shi Huang is said to be the symbol of virtue.”

“The Taika Empire don’t have other famous heroes, but that’s because all quarrels are resolved almost entirely by Sun Tzu and Lu Bu alone.” Nobu finished.

“I mean, considering Sun Tzu literally wrote the book on the Art of War…” My shoulders shrugged again as I gave everyone a wry smile. “I guess that’s kinda expected?”

“So the first problem is those two…” Yoshi mused. “In other words, we have to think of how we can split their command.”

“The Taika’s arsenal consist mainly of swords, spears and, of course, technique.” Tama added. “They’re well trained, and have the number advantage, though due to their country’s size they’re spread all over in small groups.”

“No worries. They do things by the books. It’s all theory.” Nobu smiled confidently. “My rifle corps will kick them around. Let’s show them the strength of Zipang!”

“Wait… Okay I see what you’re doing.” I pointed a finger at Nobu. “It’s the classic ‘They always have the perfect move so as long as we know what’s the perfect move to do in this situation we’ll know what they’re gonna do’ thing right?”

I wonder when we can bring out the undead suicide goats…

Nobu looked at me like I was an idiot. “No, I’m saying that guns are an advantage they don’t have. Moron.”

“My point still stands!”

“The order to behave also counts for your two.” Yoshi told us with a stern tone. “In any case, if we have decided on our first target, then all that’s left is to send a declaration of war. Chen-kun, as the commander of Zipang it falls to you to write it.”

“...Do you really expect that to go well?” It was a valid concern, as far as I was aware. “Really?”

Yoshi smiled. “Just write what I tell you and everything’ll go well.”

====

It took several several several SEVERAL tries to get the declaration up to Yoshi’s standards, but after what was probably two days and three nights I had finally managed to get the letter to meet the tyrant’s demands..

Apparently just writing “How about war?” was not good enough and fuck you Yoshi I was born with this handwriting!

...Anyways, soon we got the reply back and then we were at war! Our first stop, Shanghai of course!
I make it sound more exciting than it actually was.

Unlike its modern incarnation, the Shanghai of this world was still a small city located in the Yangtze River Delta: only one side faced the river, and the seashore began only after a kilometer or two. There was a river port with many buildings, but the city proper was protected by a tall wall: it was ten meters high, with only six land gates and three water gates. Tama also reported there were four military posts in the area that could send troops to assist the city or serve as bases for reinforcements.

“Everyone’s ready?” Nobu asked once Shanghai was in sight. “So brat, what’s the plan?”

“Go in, kick ass and take names.” I said with a laugh as everyone just gave me the usual look. “No. but seriously Sei, do you think you’ll have enough power to summon heavy winds and still Divine Buster the main troops if Maragi boosts you?”

“Winds, uh?” She smiled, one finger on her lips as looked at the city while lazily leaning against the rail. “I can’t call a storm, but something I could do. How long do you want the wind to last? Because it will hit us too if we get too close.”

“You can be the judge of that. Does it look like I’m working with hard numbers here?” I gestured to the city. “Moving on, once Sei’s beam of death hits the main troops, me and Sasaki will charge into them with our own troops with NobuNobu on the rearguard filling them all with lead. In the meanwhile, Benben and Yoshi will be heading for the reinforcement camps. Himiko is on healer duty as always while, uh, Lancelot?”

I looked at the brown haired girl who was currently eating a rice ball she had brought as a snack. “You uh, you do Lancelot things.”

“It’s time to eat?” She asked with a wide smile and sparkling eyes.

“...Yeah sure.”

“It’s time to fight, you abyss in human form!” Nobu snapped. “You can eat after we won.”

“Got it!” She finished the rice ball in one gulp before taking out her sword. “For the soup dumplings! Let’s go, Arondight!”

As if responding to her owner’s words the sword glowed with a violet aura for a few seconds before returning to normal. I blinked before pulling the Kusanagi out of it’s sheath and looking at the blade. “See? They get along we- OW STOP DOING THAT!”

====

The plan began as I envisioned it: Sei summoned a large Oriental Dragon made of green energy that began to blow heavy winds against the port, disturbing the enemy troops and preventing the ships anchored there to set sail. It didn’t stop what looked like civilians to take refuge inside the walls, but that was for the best.

When Sei made the winds stop we approached the port, with the blonde Diviner using the last of her Brave to blast those who tried to interfere from afar. Once the bridges were down we moved into the port town and engaged the troops there, with Benben and Yoshi splitting off to deal with the reinforcement camps and NobuNobu guiding her gunmen on the rooftops for easier line of sight.

Meanwhile, I found myself fighting side by side with Sasaki and Lancelot. Well I say fighting but…

“Okay-” I declared, looking at the britannian girl splitting through armor and taking out troops with one blow and no one else noticed it. “What the hell is happening?”

“That is the blessing of Arondight.” One of the britannian knights that followed Lancelot explained. “It is said that those under its protection are shielded from all damage and hostile intentions. That’s why Lady Lancelot is called the Undying Shield of Camelot.”

“I.. bullshit! Cheat! OP Pls nerf!” I yelled as I realized the enemy soldier I had just stabbed in the gut was only now realizing I was there. “I know the bullshit Knights of the Round Table could usually pull but what is this, Everyone Else is a Returnee? That’s just…”

I pulled the bloodied Kusanagi out of the enemy soldier’s guts and kicked him into a nearby wall before looking into the parts of the blade that weren’t stained red. “How come you can’t pull bullshit like that? You’re the Kusanagi for fuck’s sake.”

The blade, slightly stinging me, suddenly burst into very hot flames, covering the metal part of it’s blade. If you were to look at it now, you wouldn’t even be able to tell that there was a metal part and that it wasn’t just fire on a stick.

“That doesn’t top Arondight and you know it.” I sighed. “Whatever. Let’s just see what I can do with this…”

“IF YOU HAVE TIME TO STAND THERE YOU HAVE TIME TO KILL THE ENEMY BRAT!” I heard NobuNobu yell before her musketeers fire all at once and took down a good third of the enemy troops.

“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!” I yelled back, before turning back to the burning sword. “Well, guess we just have to prove we’re better than them. Let’s go! KUSANAGI BLOW v2!”

====

“Sei?”

“Hm?”

“Blow up the gate.”

“Kay~”

But before she could clear the path so that we could storm the city Himiko’s expression changed to one of intense focus. “Level 1 Foresight active! This is the first time I’ve been able to see in a long time. Onii-san, get your sword! A spear is flying at us!”

“Wait wha- OH HOLY SHIT AH!” My body moved faster than my mind as it drew the Kusanagi and located the flying spear. Before I had even realized what I was doing my hands had begun to parry the shot and soon a clang rang throughout the battlefield as I pushed the spear away with all my strength towards another direction, the blow seemingly sending shockwaves, and me, flying through the air.

About a minute later when I had actually realized what was going on I found myself face first in the dirt and groaning. Oh god I feel like shit augh…

“Onii-chan!” I could feel Himiko’s healing wash over me, the pain lessening in part and strength returning to my muscles. “Who is it!? Surprise attacks are unfair!”

“You must be good to block my attack like that.” The likely attacker stepped into view, followed by more of the Taika soldiers. “So you’re the Servant of Heaven...Your reaction was quicker than I thought.”

I let out a groan again as I rolled over and pushed myself up only to come face to face with…. someone most definitely not chinese. Bright orange hair clashed with a golden chinese dress as they danced across her body like two dragons intertwined. In each hand she held a spear… thing with golden tips that she pointed at us like a lion hunting it’s prey. I found myself staring into her crystal blue eyes as I sighed. “Fuck me, I can already guess who you are.”

“It is I, Lu Bu. The great general of the Taika Empire.” She bombastically declared.

“If you had gotten him with that attack, it would have saved us some trouble though.” A green haired girl in a blue dress and a teaching hat commented. “Ah, I am the military strategist of the Taika Empire, Sun Tzu.”

“Never would’ve guessed.” I said dryly. “So uh, hi?”

“Hi yourself!” Lu Bu immediately replied. “Actually, I’m glad you parried my attack. This should be good!”

“T-The Taika Generals…” Himiko muttered with a worried tone. “Great standards of wisdom and strength…”

“I don’t see much wisdom here…” NobuNobu said before suddenly raising her musket and firing. “Especially from such easy targets!”

The bullet traveled through the air at breakneck speed before slamming straight into Lu Bu’s face. But instead of a splurt of blood and brain matter all I could see was a bit of smoke. Then the wind blowed it away, revealing the metal ball...was firmly lodged between the redhead’s teeth.

She spit it to the side and grinned as the sound of my palm connecting to my face rang throughout the battle field. “Why am I even surprised you pulled such a NobuNobu. Even Himiko could do better than that and that isn’t exactly a high bar.”

Nobu was too busy gaping in disbelief to reply, while Himiko blushed. “O-Onii-san!”

“When my strategies are gifted with Lu Bu’s strength, the Taika become nigh-invincible.” Sun Tzu cheerfully told us. “Now then, Zipang, repel us if you can!”

Lu Bu raised one spear before slamming the butt-end of it into the ground, cracking it. “This Lu Bu has no idea what she just said, but yeah!! Anyone who gets in our way gets crushed! If you don’t like it, you’d best run now!”

I blinked before turning my head to the smaller women. “...Lu Bu’s a bit, uh, empty in the head, isn’t she?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t call Lu’s head empty. On the other hand, I would say it’s overcrowded...sometimes, with not quite relevant things.” Sun Tzu admitted. “One may know how to conquer without being able to do it. Pay attention, this will be on the test.”

“Wait we’re being graded?!”

I didn’t receive an answer. Instead Lu Bu leaped at me, right spear-thing held down and ready to be swung upward. I barely had any time to slam the Kusanagi into the blow before the spear-thing blew me upwards and- OH GOD I’M FLYING AH!

“TNT!” I shouted as the flame warrior materialized and caught me in the air, the heat touching my skin but not burning as it helped me get my bearings and put my body back on the ground. “Alright, let’s try that again. HEY LANCELOT! THE ONE WHO MANAGES TO GET THE FINISHING BLOW GETS DOUBLE THEIR DINNER TONIGHT!”

“ONIGIRI!” She yelled as a battlecry before engaging Lu Bu. Her sword flashed through the air, only to be parried by the redhead’s second spear.

“Onigiri? That’s a good idea! I’m definitely having a snack after winning here.” Lu Bu pushed and sent Lancelot flying towards me. “I’m bringing some to Shi. I’m sure she’d love them!”

“Waaah!” Lancelot flailed. “I need a pair of wings!”

“OH DEAR GO- AH!” I yelled as the brown haired girl collided with me and sent the both of us towards the dirt. “Ugh, okay up up up- SHIT SHE’S COMING AGAIN GET OFF ME!”

TNT used its own sword to parry Lu Bu’s thrust, only for the collision of metal and solidified fire to create a shockwave strong enough to blow up the dust from the ground. “Ooh! You parried it! I have no idea what you’re, Big Guy, but I know you’re fun!” Lu Bu’s grip on her free spear increased, the muscles of her arm tightening and bulging.

Then she swung it in a horizontal circle, creating an air blade that blew through TNT and continued towards us.

“Roll over!”

“WAH!”

My heart pounded in my chest as the stupidly impossible air blade cut through where I was previously lying and into the dirt, like two feet under. “Alright new plan! DODGE DODGE DODGE!”

“DODGE! ...Like a sweet roll!” Both me and Lancelot began rolling around to avoid Lu Bu’s next series of wild swings. TNT tried to protect us, but eventually got overwhelmed.

So before it crumpled I had it explode right into the redhead’s face. “EXPLOSION!”

I may not be a loli in a red dress but goddammit were explosions cool. And also they hopefully saved my life- Nope she’s still standing.

“Wow! I didn’t expect that!” She told us in a cheerful tone. One hand came up to swipe the soot on her face, but she ended up butting the staff of her own spear against her nose. “Ouch!” Wincing she stabbed the spear into the ground and used her now free hand to do the swiping. “Where I was? Oh, yeah. Nice trick you have there kid...Uh, what were your names again?”

I stared at her from where I was on the ground real hard before replying. “Bu Lu.”

“Bu and Lu. Got it! Nice and easy to remember!” She laughed. “I know, my name is Lu too! ..Wait.” She cupped her chin, a worried expression on her face. “But if there are two Lu’s, how do I know which one people are talking about? When Sun said ‘Lu will do this’ and ‘Lu will do that’, was she talking about me or the other Lu? No way! Did I mess up?! I gotta check out!”

Without another word she grabbed her spear and ran in the opposite direction, towards the back of her own troops. I blinked before coming face to face with Lancelot’s blue eyes as we stared at each other in confusion. “Uh, victory?”

“We’re still alive, so...I guess?” She innocently replied.

“Onii-san! Lancelot-san!” Himiko came running in our direction. “I just received news from Yoshitsune! This was a trap! The Taika troops are about to surround us!”

“When have they not!” I yelled back. “Right uh… shit I’m out of ideas. Tell Sei to go do something and in the meanwhile kill any Taika soldier that takes a step towards us! Also Lancelot get off me my leg is going numb.”

Just like when she predicted Lu Bu’s flying spear Himiko’s expression changed to one of intense focus. “Reverse card open! Level 2 Foresight active! Onii-san, there is still an open path of retreat! Follow me!”

Reverse card open?

“Okay no seriously you chubby monkey get off of me!”

“Ah that hurts!”

“RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!”

====

Eventually, after a shit load of running, we had finally made it back to our ships and into the sea. The Taika bastards didn’t decide to follow us, allowing me some much needed breathing room after that little mishap.

“Okay-” I breathed out, pressing my back against the wall. “That was an absolute disaster.”

“Pinpointing the objective of our first strike, predicting the exact timing and distracting us while the real attack closed our escape routes…” Yoshi crossed her arms and sighed. “So this is Sun Tzu, the best strategist of East Asia. And from what you told me, Lu Bu is her peer in martial arts. If it wasn’t for them springing their ambush too soon we may have not been able to retreat.”

“I’m sorry everyone.” Tama lowered her head in shame. “I’m a cartographer, not a strategist. My maps are accurate, but I had no idea Sun Tzu would move her troops like that.”

“...I’m confused, she just ganged up on us right?” My mind raced back to the battle as I tried to figure out what happened in the chaos. “Block all the exits than overwhelm us with numbers? It’s pretty simple really.”

“The difficulty is not in the tactic, but in its execution.” Yoshi explained. “We had no idea they were expecting us or that there were more troops beside the usual ones that patrol the region until it was too late.”

Nobu slammed a fist over the paratie. “Damn it! I can’t stand losing like that! We have to gather intelligence thoroughly in order to know our opponents. We can’t leave it to that chump. Should I just get my hands dirty and look into it?”

“Honestly?” I looked at the pink haired women before sighing. “Fuck it, go nuts. Literally nothing can be worse than this beyond you somehow fucking up and splitting Zipang again. Do whatever ya want.”

“Eheheheh. Now that’s an order from you I don’t mind following.” Her grin was downright demoniac. “Time for the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven to take the stage again!”

===

Notes:

Chen: Oh hey we finally lost once. Even if it is because Lu Bu is fucking Lu Bu.

Alex: If there is one thing true through the centuries, is that sane men run when they hear “IT’S LU BU!”. Sadly, no one thought of informing everyone this time.

Chen: Shut up, I thought Lu Bu showing up was going to be obvious to everyone else! I mean, come on did they really think they wouldn’t join in the fight?! Really now guys!

Alex: Apparently, they didn’t think it would be the very first fight.

 

Chapter 24: Eye Of The Tiger

====

“Ahahahah!!” That was how Nobu arrived at the meeting room, laughing maniacally with the biggest shit-eating grin I have ever seen on her lips. “Get on your knees and praise me, for I did it!”

“What.” I stared flatly. “I have the feeling I’m not going to like the sound of this…”

“The reason why we should?” Yoshi asked.

“I succeeded in separating Sun Tzu and Lu Bu!” She raised a hand to the sky. “Sun Tzu should already be halfway to Chang’an, the Taika’s capital, leaving Lu Bu guarding Shanghai! This is our chance to capture Lu Bu and break up their terrible combo!”

“And… How do you suggest we do that?” I raised my eyebrow before sighing. “She’s fucking Lu Bu. It’s not like we could just shoot her. We tried that, it failed. You’d need to attack her in the weak spot you created, aka mentally. And last I checked, we can’t just go up to her and somehow convince her that I’m Bu Lu the general of Takia and she’s actually Lu Bu the Servant of Heaven.”

Actually now that I think about it…

“At least I hope we can’t, that’d just be sad.”

“We shall discuss a strategy to capture Lu Bu in a moment.” Yoshi said, rising a hand. “First, I would like to know how you accomplished that.”

“It’s simple!” Nobu pointed a thumb at herself. “Though my spies I learned that Qin Shi Huang has a weak constitution and is often sick. So I had them spread through the populace the rumor that she collapsed. Predictably, since both Sun Tzu and Lu Bu care immensely for her, one of them immediately went back to check.”

“That is…” I struggled to find the right word. “Surprisingly competent coming from you.”

“Uwaaah...Taking advantage of someone’s worrying towards a sick person...how diabolic.” Himiko muttered in astonishment.

“Be that as it may be, we cannot let this chance slip off our fingers.” Yoshi nodded. “Chen-kun, Lancelot-san. You both fought Lu Bu head on: do you think that, if you have help, you could subdue her?”

“Er, I mean.”

“She hit hard. Really, really hard.” Lancelot replied. “As hard as Bedivere even. When we were training, the only way for me to win against her was to team up with someone else. Worked up an appetite like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Yeah it was a fight. I guess.” A sigh escaped my lips as I shrugged. “By uh, technicality.”

“Really? Do I need to tell you everything? The answer is simple: we all gang up on her and beat her with superior numbers!” Nobu started laughing again.

“Just because Zerg Rushing is an answer doesn’t make it the right one.” Though now that she gave me the opportunity… “Though I’m all for grouping up and hitting her till she- Ah shit no fuck that did not go as planned shit stupid the hell was I thinking ugh.”

I thought that reference would work dammit!

“While it goes against the warrior’s code, it is a testament to Lu Bu’s strength that victory against her could only be considered under those circumstances.” Yoshi mused.

“Who should fight against her then?” Himiko asked with a tilt of her head.

“Pfft weren’t you listening?” I flicked the silly girl in the forehead lightly. “Everyone’s fighting her.”

“What?! No!” She retreated while holding her forehead. “I saw how she fight! I’m alright with healing everyone, but I’m not getting close to that gorilla woman! One Nobunaga is more than enough!”

“...What did you just imply I am?” Nobu loomed over Himiko, features twisted into the terrifying visage of an Yama.

“Eeek!” The miko quickly used me as a human shield.

Huh… that brings up a point.

“You know now that I think about it, why is NobuNobu a gorilla women Himiko? I mean..” I looked at the parts of her armor that exposed her skin which was basically all of it. “She’s not exactly on the muscular… side…”

I could feel the heat rushing to my face as I realized something and slapped my eyes. “Nope nope nope! Nu-uh bad thoughts Lancelot hit me.”

“‘Kay!” She cheerfully replied before slapping my head light enough to be considered a welcoming gesture. Meanwhile Nobu has begun to chase after Himiko, the two running circle around me and Lancelot.

“...Should we stop them?” Tama asked with an awkward tone.

“No, let them alone.” Yoshi sighed. “They’ll get tired soon enough.”

====

SHANGHAI ASSAULT TAKE TWO!

That is, the second time went more or less like the first one: we approached on ship and got on land after Sei did some long-distance damage.

Except, when we met Lu Bu again it didn’t start with a flying spear. No, she was just waiting for us in front of one of the city’s gates. “Yo! Bu and Second Lu! You’re back already!?” She cheerfully waved at us. “Though I have to say, you have caught me in a biiit of a bad spot.”

“How bad is spot?” My mouth immediately shot at her.

“Well you see, not having Sun here makes me uneasy.” She casually replied. “I saw how you fight. Honestly, I don’t know if this Lu Bu can repel all of you alone, but it looks like the only thing to is try.”

She spun the spears in her hands before setting into a stance. Despite her previous words she was grinning.
“If you don’t want to get hurt, give up now! With Sun gone, there’s no one to calm me down! Let’s get crazy!”

“Welp.” I inhaled before shouting at the top of my lungs. “YOU HEARD HER! ZERG RUSH!”

Lu Bu was the first to move, leaping forward with both of her spears raised above her head. When she swung them down there wasn’t only my weapon to block them, but also those of Lancelot, Yoshi, BenBen, Sasaki and even Maragi.

It said something that even then the force behind the blow was enough to make all of us buckle our knees.
“You know.” I began as we pushed back against the force of what was probably seven mountains. “I don’t think her spear-things were this long the last time we fought!”

“They’re halberds.” Yoshi corrected me. When we finally managed to make Lu take a step back BenBen swung her large mace. The redhead parried it, but Yoshi used the weapon as a step-board to jump behind her and attack, forcing Lu Bu to use her other weapon to block.

“Excuse me.” This left her open when Magari bashed her with the smith’s oversized tools. The concussive force seemed to stagger Lu Bu, which Sasaki took advantage of to swing her long katana in a horizontal arc that would split her opponent apart if it connected.

And then the muscles of Lu Bu’s arms tightened and bulged. Despite being off balance she pushed through BenBen and Yoshi’s strength to move her halberds, catching Sasaki’s sword between the butts of the staffs.

“This is such bullshit!” I growled as TNT bursted into action behind me, it’s own Kusanagi attempting to strike the women while she had her hands full with Sasaki’s blade. “What are you made of?!”

“Mmh, I believe it’s the same stuff as everyone else.” Bending her knees she jumped to the side, the fire sword landing in front of a still off-balance Sasaki, thankfully without hurting her. “Though sometimes Sun, especially when I happen to break a wall, said the gods must have made my skull with some legendary metal. I think it’s a compliment, but I never understood what it means.”

“...” I paused my action as BenBen jumped over me and swung one of her many weapons down at the orange haired women. “Honestly I have no idea what to say to that.”

Lu Bu swung her right-handed weapon to deflect it, but at the same moment a hail of shurikens and glowing paper dolls descended on her from the back. She began to spin her left-handed weapon in a circle to deflect them, but while it worked for the shuriken the paper dolls exploded at first contact. “Not bad!” Diving out of the resulting smoke Lu Bu was singed, but still looked ready to continue.

I quickly closed the distance between us, swinging my blade with TNT as we struck from both sides.

The twin halberds blocked both swords, though it seemed Lu Bu was having a harder time doing so with TNT’s one. “Man, this Big Guy is really useful. It’s like fighting two people at once.”

I mean, they call them stands for a reason you know?

“Make it three.” A distant voice said, the word carried by the wind, before there was a loud bang. As time seemed to slow down I could see a bullet come out of Lu Bu’s left shoulder with a spray of blood and pass very close to my cheek before it continued past me.

Lu Bu’s left arm lost its strength, and she was sent flying by TNT’s sword. Yoshi pounced at the opening, her sword flashing like a mirage as she pushed her speed to the limits to strike from various angles in quick succession.

Then Lancelot, holding her sword with both hands, swung it hard enough to create an air blade. The flying projectile slammed into Lu Bu and sent her back to the ground, where she miraculously managed to land on her feet. “Alright, this is getting a little dangerous.” She was bleeding from various cuts all across her body, her bruises were quickly turning purple and she had troubles lifting her left arm.

Yet.

She was still grinning.

Shit.

“I promised Sun to not get reckless. If I continue, she will have Shin scold me.” She planted her left halberd into the ground. “Still. I have one last shot left. With only one arm it’ll be only half as powerful, but...try to survive, okay? If you do I’ll surrender.”

She raised her right foot and slammed it down a little to the right, then she did the same thing with her left foot but to the left. That done she moved back her right arm, golden Brave erupting from her body and coiling around her remaining halberd as she pointed the tip at us.

Um, what was she doin-

“Sky Piercer.”

Have you ever seen those stories where people slash others with the air pressure of their blades alone? What followed is kinda like that, except the moment she thrusted her halberd at us we were all hit with the force of a 30 foot cannonball.

Made entirely of air pressure.

“Gghghgh!” I gurgled out as the fricken devastation of an attack hit me, slamming me backwards and tossing me in the air like a rag doll. My entire body felt like it was being crushed by both nothing and a two story tall building at the same time.

And saying it hurt was a fucking understatement.

However, before the fatal moment between life and a shit load of broken bones, I felt a connection. A connection that numbed the pain to a dull throb. A connection that lit a fire in me, giving me the extra energy to move again. A connection tha- Okay fuck this skipping the purple prose.

EMIYA had come to save my ass again. Unfortunately I couldn’t quite follow the instincts he had so helpfully supplied me and soon found myself face down in the dirt.

But not out for the count and that’s all that matters!

I slowly pushed myself up. Lifting my head I saw the rest of my allies that engaged Lu Bu in close-range with me scattered around, if unconscious or too wounded to move I couldn’t tell. But I could see Lancelot in the middle of them, the sword still clenched between her hands glowing stronger than even. It looked like Arondight lived up to its reputation.

Meanwhile, Lu Bu was surrounded and held at weapon’s point by Nobu, Tama and Sei, while in the distance Himiko was approaching with the rest of the healers. The Taika troops, who until now were engaging our own, have started to lose momentum.

“Looks like I lost. There was no way for me to hit everyone with just one arm…” Lu Bu said with a disappointed but calm tone as she lowered her halberd.

“...Why do I get the feeling we got lucky?” Nobu grumbled. “So! Do you surrender or what?”

“I gave my words, didn’t I? Just three meals a day and time enough for a nap is all I ask. And I’d be grateful if you don’t go too hard on the torture.”

“Torture?” I began, picking myself up back on my feat and wobbling to where everyone else stood. “As far as I know, being with us is the greatest torture there is! At least to those with sanity.”

“Uhm, I don’t quite get what you’re talking Bu.” Lu tilted her head, a puzzled look on her face.

“...Okay wait, am I Bu or am I Lu?” I scratched my chin before shaking my head. “No that’s not it. Sorry to inform you but I… was just messing with you. My name’s neither Bu or Lu.”

“Oh. That explains what Sun meant when she told me I’ve been had. I thought someone stole from me, but nothing was missing so I was confused.” She slapped the side of her head. “So, what’s your real name?”

“Just call me Chen Miyafuji!” I saluted,.“Servant of Heaven, Reluctant Emperor of Zipang, and the owner of a complete asshole of a swo- HA FUCK YOU KUSANAGI! I WIN! CAN’T STING ME IF I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU!”

“...Am I missing some context here?” Lu Bu asked as the blade I tossed to the ground started to spark menacingly.

Nobu facepalmed. “Ignore the idiot. As a captured enemy commander you’ll be treated with all due respect. I doubt torture would even do anything.”

“That’s right, I won’t talk. I’ve got a duty to Shi.” She smiled. “But I’m grateful for your kindness.”

“Wait to thank me. You have yet to spend time with the Idiot Brigade here.” Nobu grimaced.

“We have a title?!” I exclaimed, looking away from my sword. “Ha, the Baka Rangers got nothing on us now! Also uh, Sei? You think you can make up some fireproof gloves? I have a feeling that’s the only way I’m going to be able to pick up Kusanagi unless I want to see if beating it up with it’s own sheath will work.”

“A fireproof charm is easy to make.” She covered her mouth with one sleeve, but I managed to catch her amused smile before she did. “But, have you tried being polite with the ancient and positively semi-sentient sword?”

I looked at her.

I looked at the sword.

I looked back at her.

“No way in hell.” My head nodded as I turned back to the sword. “We’re like family or something, I give it shit and it gives me hell back in return but that doesn’t stop me from giving it more shit in a never ending war of escalation! Or at least I think that’s our relationship.”

The blade caught on fire.

“Yep.”

“Ahahaha!” Lu Bu laughed. “Now that’s funny! Hey, maybe this ‘being captured’ stuff will alright. Guess I’ll take it easy and see what happens next.”

“Glad you enjoyed it, I’ll be here all week!” I smiled, before it promptly vanished from my face. “Except not in a few minutes because I can’t keep distracting myself from the fact that my plot armor will stop working any minute n- RIGHT ON CUE FUCKING HELL THIS HURTS URGH!!!”

Fuck you too EMIYA gah…

====

Notes:

Alex: You captured Lu Bu. How does it feel?

Chen: Not supported by google.

Alex: Ah right, we had some troubles with Docs. Nothing major, but one piece of advice: start backing up your files. And then back up the back-up copies.

Chen: This has been your daily lesson from the Idiot Brigade.

 

Chapter 25: Whiplash

====

I wasn’t much involved in the aftermath of the battle. It hurt too much to think straight. Himiko and her healers ended up working overtime to manage all the wounded on both sides: last I heard she was falling asleep in the most unlikely places.

Also, somehow I ended up with both Lancelot and Lu Bu as bed neighbors within the infirmary. Currently, they were filling their stomachs with large amount of food, an impressively tall pile of empty plates sitting in front of them.

“Why.” I stared wide eyed as they finished another dish. “Why.”

I mean, I couldn’t blame them. The food here was heavenly, especially the Dim Sum my god, but still even I could only eat so much.

...I said as I took another bite from my own plate.

Hey it was not my fault I was stuck actually eating food instead of inhaling it.

“I’m always hungry after a good workout.” Lu Bu, who had her left arm in a sling, stabbed a carving fork into a dumpling as big as my head and stuffed it into her mouth. Tried anyway: it got struck after one quarter went inside, and she began chewing without removing it.

“The food here is sooo good!” Lancelot exclaimed dreamily while devouring at a quick pace many different dishes made with Shanghai’s fishes. And cows. And ducks. And frogs. And-

“Christ that is a lot of grease.” I mumbled. “You know you’d think they’d run out of food at this point. Hey Lu- Er, Bu, whatever, you think Taika has a food supply just for you? Because if so that’d explain a lot.”

“Mh, maybe? That sounds like something Sun would do.” She replied after swallowing. “I never had to wait long when asking for food. Last year Shin and Sun worked a lot to improve the country in that regard, and this year we had a good harvest everywhere.”

“I see…” I nodded. “Lancelot. Go.”

“The ingredients used for those delicacies are definitely high quality. I can guarantee it. Take for example those hunan cumin ribs.” Chomp “So tender.” Chomp “Sweetly braised in soy sauce.” Chomp “All bones carefully removed without ruining the shape.” Chomp “The onion, the cinnamon - oh, the Shoaxing wine!” Chomp

Without even realizing she finished all the ribs already her hand reached out, found nothing and continued towards my own plates.

“Hahaha- NO.” I declared as her hand instantly found itself inches away from the sharp end of my fork. “I haven’t tasted food like this in months and I swear Lancelot that if you so much as take a fraction of a bite into one of my dishes there will be nothing, be it on heaven or earth, that’ll stop me from making your life a living hell. I will have Tama use all of her resources to dedicate replacing everything you eat with nuts for months- No wait, years. Everything you eat will be nuts, no meat, no protein, nuts. Even when you’re celebrating victory with a feast, nuts. When you’re mourning the death of a loved one, nuts. Even when you die and the old lady on the bridge offers you soup, when you bring your lips to drink it all you will find is nuts. It will be Nut Hell all over again, but this time the ride will never end. Not in this life, nor the next. So go ahead, try to take a bite out of my food. Do you understand?”

She understood. I think.

Then I looked closer and realized that the glazed look in her eyes and the hanging open mouth was due to her having fainted on the spot from sheer fear.

“...Well shit.” I mumbled before blinking and turning to Lu. “You know, some part of me always wanted to cause someone to faint before but this is not how I expected it to happen.”

“People fainted all the time when I started going through walls when I was in a hurry. They eventually got used to it.” Lu nodded. “Still, that was impressive. Is Zipang food so bad? Taike food is amazing, but I don’t know much about dishes from other countries.”

“My dad’s side of the family was from Taika.” I shrugged. “From my earliest memories we’d go out and eat Dim Sum pretty regularly. We did it less regularly before I arrived in Zipang and it’s been months since that happened. And… honestly you guys have some really good cooks here.”

“Now see here! If you are a fellow countryman you should have said so from the beginning!” She enthusiastically slapped my shoulder while laughing. “Ah, but don’t get me wrong. Taika, Zipang...it’s all the same. What’s important is your spirit, and yours impressed me alright!”

“Actually I don’t even have a drop of Zipang blood in me.” Right let’s see… “I was born and raised in America and so was my mom and my dad was raised in Hong Kong so there’s that but I know my grandpa was from standard Taika so there’s that. Honestly I don’t really know my family history that well, at best I vaguely remember my father’s side and all I can recall is something about fire and being expelled from the clan or something. I’m not entirely sure.”

Heh, maybe it’s just because I’m in Taika that I’m reminiscing, I never really knew much about my family now that I think about it…

“Excuse me.” The door opened and Tama entered. “My Lord, I have a message from Lady Yoshitsune. She would like to know which path we should take to reach Chang’an.”

I looked at Lu Bu with a silly smile on my face. “You got any suggestions? Eh? Eh?”

“Woah there. I already said I won’t talk.” Lu smiled knowingly.

“Well, there are only two real choices.” Tama began to explain. “We can go towards Beijing: it’s the only city before Chang’an, but we will have to cross the Huang He River twice. Or we can go towards Yueyang: after that there is Chengdu and finally the capital. Both cities can be easily defended, but the march to and from Beijing presents its own difficulties.”

“And what do you think is best?” I asked the young women. “You are my cartographer and information gatherer after all.”

“Mh, if you ask me...the Yueyang-Chengdu route will be easier on our soldiers and supply lines. But we will need to conquer both cities first to avoid being attacked on two fronts.”

“Mmm.” I nodded. “...You know what I’m thinking?”

“Forgive me, I don’t.” She immediately replied.

I sighed. “Honestly I have no clue. Go discuss it with the others, I’ll do that.”

Pfft do I look like a good leader?

====

In the end everyone decided to take the Yueyang-Chengdu route. Yoshi thought that it was the sensible choice.

In a sense, it was. That was how Sun Tzu predicted our decision and made sure to disseminate the route with all possible tricks in the book (she wrote). I mean, I didn’t have proof she was the one behind it but who else would do things like evacuating the cities of every civilian and single scrap of food before our arrival, then after we settled into said city organizing sneak attacks using the town’s layout against us, taking care to target our supplies first? What about the destroyed bridges that forced us to trek through a marsh full of leeches, or when a dam was destroyed and flooded the camp we just set up? Or the multiple and contradicting sightings of Taika troops basically everywhere, which forced us to focus our attention everywhere without rest due to paranoia?

I was starting to hate that green haired minx.

As we finally reached the capital I was more like the person I was before I arrived then after. Hungry, soggy (don’t ask), and suffering from hours of little sleep, I was ready to just burn the entire world down if it meant I could get some rest.

Oh and did I mention that it was currently rainy? I’m sure that it was Sun Tzu’s fault as well, I’m not sure how but I know she did it.

“Hueee...I wanna go home...” Himiko piteously cried while wrapping the rain tarp around herself even closer.

“SUN TZUUUUUUU!!” Nobu was roaring to the sky, Brave-induced flames coming out of her mouth. “I! WILL! KILL! YOU!!!”

“Wooow. Sun really went all out.” Lu Bu commented cheerfully. While we were plagued by misfortune she instead always received mysterious packages full of food, clean clothes and other necessities. Even now she was protecting herself with an umbrella delivered right before it started raining. “Ah, but good work on resisting until now. We’re finally back at Chang’an: the last obstacle...and the hardest.”

“I’m gonna burn this city to the ground.” I muttered darkly. “So… So fucking tired.”

“Find within yourselves the strength for a last effort.” Yoshi pointed forwards. “There. Chang’an: the last step.”

“For now.” I muttered. “Who knows what kind of hell Sun Tzu will put on us if we win.”

“Let’s catch her, toss her in a cell and throw away the key.” Himiko mumbled with a large amount of resentment. “No, let’s work her to the bone, with tickle torture instead of sleep!”

I turned around and stared at Himiko. “Only you would actually tickle torture an enemy.”

She preened, evidently taking it as a compliment. The effect was ruined by her miserable state though.

“Focus.” Yoshi suggested, so we went back to observe Chang’an.

Or rather, the 8-10 meters tall wall surrounding it that continued on both sides for what felt like forever, but I hoped it was just the rain messing with the general visibility. The wall was thick enough that even using TNT it would probably take me hours to blow a hole in it, and on the top rows upon rows of archers were standing on the ready.

The rest of the Taika army was waiting outside, right before the large, and obviously closed, gate.

Fire…. Fire… I wanted to burn this place to the ground so damn much...

“Okay!” I exclaimed, hitting my fist to my chest to pump myself up. “Game plan! ...Yoshi what’s the game plan.”

“KILL THEM ALL!!!” Nobu howled.

“Ignore her.” Yoshi sighed while patting BenBen’s head, who was using a giant umbrella to protect both of them from the rain. “I would really like to let the soldiers rest, even if under those conditions, but I don’t think the Taika would - a messenger?”

Sure enough a man on horseback approached us while waving a white flag. We let him approach, and once within speaking distance he stopped and held out a sealed scroll. “A message from Lady Sun Tzu for the Leader of Zipang!”

“Is it a trap?” I said automatically. “It’s probably a trap, everyone brace yourself.”

“He waved the white flag of parley, there is no way a strategist of the caliber of Sun Tzu would dishonor herself by breaking the rules of war.” Yoshi replied before sending a soldier to retrieve the letter. Once he returned the man held out the letter to me.

Right let’s see here…

“Can you wait until it stops raining until before attacking? I don’t want Shi to get a cold.”

-Sun Tzu

“...Fair enough.” I sighed. “Alright break time everybody! We got until the rain stops to rest up before the battle!”

“What?” Yoshi took the letter and read it too. “...Alright, we would be fools to decline. Tell Lady Sun Tzu we accept.” She told the Taika soldier, who nodded before galloping back to his own army.

====

“Can you tell me…” Nobu’s eyes widened and her voice rose. “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ALL SITTING AROUND ME?!”

“We can’t make a bonfire.” Yoshi replied while sitting in a meditating pose. “And you’re warm.”

“Shh,” I whispered as I put a hand on her skin. “Just let it happen.”

She tried to punch me in the face and I instantly turned my head before scooting away. “Oh come on! It’s fucking cold out here!”

“YOU CAN FREEZE FOR ALL I CARE!” She waved her fist.

“My, my. No need to get so worked up.” Sei poured herself a cup of saké. “There is nothing better to warm yourself than a good saké.”

“Alcohol hinders the study of the sword.” Sasaki stoically replied, sitting down in the same position as Yoshi. “To withstand the cold you must train your body.”

“I-” Maragi sneezed. “I may...be used too much to the heat of the forge.” Another sneeze.

“Oden…” Lancelot chanted, her eyes glazed over. “Oden…”

“Warm…” BenBen muttered, curled behind Nobu’s back.

“I lived in a cardboard box for over a year.” Tama proclaimed. “This much is nothing.”

“A hot bath. A hot bath. I want a hot bath.” Himiko repeated, standing close to Nobu but not quite touching her.

And I had to conquer the world with those guys?

...I blinked as something clicked in my head. My eyes scanning over the hand that was just touching the pink haired woman’s skin a few moments ago before turning to Lancelot. “You know, I really need to ask this. Hey Lancelot, is it fashion in Europe to go walking around in your underwear?”

“Fuah?” The sudden question startled her, but she recovered quickly. “Uhm, I don’t know about fashion, but Tristan and Balin always have their panties on display. Talking about Balin, I wonder where she is: I haven’t see her in a while…”

I paused as I let that statement phase through me before rigidly turning back to Nobu. “Oh… Oh my god you were telling the truth.”

And now I can’t get that image out of my head. Hawawawawa….

“Did you really think I would sunk so low as to lie about something inconsequential like that?” She scoffed, face still set into a scowl.

“I-I think I got it.” I mumbled, looking up to the sky. “The thing that’s wrong about this world isn’t the war, the pain, or the suffering. It’s everyone’s terrible fashion sense. Why, why would you ever go out in your underwear in Britannia do you know how much it fucking rains there? I-I don’t, I can’t even, Sei. Seiiiiii helppppppp.”

“Mmmh?” She finished her cup before answering with an impish smile. “If a woman is confident enough in her body, why not let her show it as much as she cares?”

“With your underwear on display, uh? A bit much for me, but it sounds like easy to move around.” Lu tugged at her own clothes. “That’s why I wear modified Qipao. Oh, I also like dragon designs, that’s why.”

“...A guy just can’t get any leeway here can he?” I sighed, and for some reason I felt like the entire male population of the Zipang army sighed with me. “Y-You people are going to drive me nuts. Yoshi you are my final hope please tell me you have some sanity in you.”

“It is true that a woman should at least cover herself with a shirt.” She opened her eyes, previously closed in concentration. “But obviously, the customs between Zipang and Europe are different. So it’s not my place to criticize.”

“T-That’s not the point fucking- I- Come on- It’s like you people have never gotten the talk in your life.” I groaned, “Christ am I the only one here to have gone through puberty? Are we all just inexperience losers here? What am I even saying at this point of course we are.”

“How adorable.” Sei cooed, a knowing grin on her face. “Should this big sister rub your head and tell you everything will be better in a couple of years?”

The others’ reactions went from uncomprehending to amused, and even embarrassment and calm acceptance.

“What’s puberty?” Benben asked.

Silence descended upon the camp ground as even the soldiers who were passively watching in amusement got turned to stone.

And then the moment passed and all hell broke loose.

“W-Well you see...Oh Gods what do I say now?!”

“That will be covered in another lesson Benkei! Don’t ask about it until I say it’s alright!”

“It’s when a boy or a girl-Ouch! Why did you hit me?!”

“Oh would you look at the time!” I yelled, standing up all of a sudden. “I think Kusanagi’s starting to rust from all this rain! Can’t have that before the battle! Maragi come help me… as far away from here as possible.”

“YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY!”

====

I was actually glad when the rain finally went away and the time for battle had come.

We were all well rested, well fed, and ready for anything Taika could throw at us!

...Physically that is. Mentally we were all dead inside except for BenBen, who just switched between confusion and excitement as she watched us running around like chickens without their heads. Sasaki also looked fine, but I wouldn’t put past her to just have a good poker face.

“The situation is the same as before, but now we’re back to full strength.” Yoshi declared. “As of now, our only option is to push through and enter the city before capturing Qin Shi Huang. The Taika Empire is too large for a complete occupation. We must force them to surrender.”

“Just the way I like it!” The grin on Nobu’s face would put a shark to shame. “Hit fast, hard and as long as you can!”

“It sounds simple but- Wait.” I began, only to stop as Taika’s troops began marching towards us. “What the fuck are they doing?”

After reducing the distance between us they suddenly stopped advancing and moved to create large corridors in their formation. It was like...they were making way for something to pass through.

My initial thought, a cavalry charge, was squashed by a rhythmic pounding

And then, they came in. Men of stone, with glowing green eyes that all moved as one unit. Their presence shook the earth with every step they took as they slowly ascended towards us with no sound coming out of their mouth beyond the thumping of stone against earth.

“...Terracotta.” I whispered in awe before I suddenly realized the second purpose behind the break yesterday. “SUN TZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ah. Shi must be feeling well today to be able to use those.” Lu casually commented.

“WHAT ARE THOSE?!” Himiko screamed.

“Some kind of magical dolls Shi’s ancestors made to defend the capital or something, I didn’t understand much when she explained it.”

Okay, okay. I can deal with this.

“Sei.” I snapped my fingers, “Boom.”

“That’s fine, but-” She began as Maragi provided her the necessary Brave. “With how many there are, and still coming, I can’t catch all of them in the first blast.”

“I don’t know how strong they are compared to regular soldiers, but with those numbers they will be able to grind us down.” Yoshi raised her arm. “Everyone! Fight like your life depend on it, and when you can use your techniques with the largest range! We need to destroy them as quickly as possible!”

Our troops gave a loud cheer before charging at the advancing army of terracotta soldiers.

So, lesson one on fighting men completely made of stone!

They’re made of stone.

Fire doesn’t exactly burn stone the way it burns people.

And because I literally don’t have any other long range technique in my arsenal, guess who had to go up to the stone soldiers and fight them head on!

That’s right, this guy!

...They’re even more intimidating up close I’ll give them that.

“OH GOD OH GOD- DIE!!!” I yelled as TNT bursted into existence and slammed it’s fist into another stone soldier’s chest, causing it to stumble backwards before crumbling from the pressure. “THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!”

“Calm yourself Miyafuji-dono.” With a series of lightning-fast strikes the arms and heads of the soldiers around me separated from the rest of the bodies, causing them to fall down and stop moving. Sasaki stepped next to me, one hand gliding down her sword’s surface. “They are naught but empty puppets. Aim at the joints and the neck, it’s enough to fell them with minimal effort.” She glanced at her blade and frowned. “Even if cutting through hardened clay is bad for the edge.”

“Uh, Sasaki?” I began as I attempted to slice another soldier's neck. I had to push Kusanagi through in order to get to the other side but eventually the enemies head crashed into the dirt. “Maybe you’re just better at this sword thing then me but not all people can cut through these things with ease!”

“Nonsense. It’s all a question of training hard enough.” With another strike four heads were sent flying. “For now, why not just have your fire warrior punch them? It also seems effective.”

Another explosion rang out across the battlefield. “I unno, it seems a bit slow compared to the numbers of enemies out here.”

Meanwhile…

“WILD SCRATCH!” Wearing a pair of oversize metal claws over her usual gauntlets Ben was running around while scratching at the enemy like a cat. Of course, since each claw was one foot of cold, hard steel it ended in terracotta soldiers being hacked to pieces.

“I don’t believe you can understand my words. Even then, I shall show no mercy.” Yoshi slowly said as the clay soldiers surrounded her. She was resting the tip of her sword on the ground, one foot set in front of the other, while the glow from a circle of pink energy with her at the center increased at each passing second. “Yoshitsune...Senbonzakura.”

The next moment Yoshi split into a dozen copies that struck at her opponents simultaneously, a flurry of pink petals twirling around them. I…

I…

“OKAY HOLD UP!” I shouted over the battlefield. “WHERE THE FUCK WAS THAT WHEN WE FOUGHT LU BU?!”

“If I may express my humble opinion-” A terracotta soldier suddenly shattered, revealing Maragi standing behind. “The techniques currently used by Benkei-dono and Yoshitsune-dono sacrifice offensive power for a larger range. They would have been unsuited to use against a single strong opponent like Lu Bu-dono.”

“BenBen is literally just scratching the enemy! Actually, I think this is the first time I’ve seen them use Brave ever.” I groaned. “Ugh, I spent a week in the infirmary with Lu Bu, let me just be angry for a sec.”

Wait… Techniques… Angry…

Goddammit I had completely forgotten where TNT had come from! I was so focused on using it like that… ugh nevermind!

“I am an idiot!” I hit myself in the face real quick before staring at the many many terracotta soilders in front of me. “Okay now I know how to take you guys on! TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!”

I admit, I laughed my ass off as what was once a human sized being of flames bursted into a giant ten times its size, looming down over the unfeeling warriors like an executioner. “Now I’m ready.”

Tsumugari no Tachi was the technique used by Yamato the Army Slayer. not the Warrior Slayer.

And boy, was the rest of the battle cathartic.

====

After the terracotta army was wiped out and a brief skirmish with the rest of the blood-and-flesh soldiers Taika was quick to surrender, likely realizing their chances of victory were slim. Neither Qin Shi Huang nor Sun Tzu were in sight, so Lu Bu offered to lead us to the imperial palace.

“Man, what a drag! I can’t believe we lost.” Despite her words Lu was as cheerful as ever. “Great battle though. Say Chen-kun, what’s gonna happen to Shi, Sun and me?”

“O-Okay. So, we-we’re gonna find Sun, and we’re gonna like. Tickle the shit out of her.” I nodded. “Have I mentioned I’m feeling great? ‘Cause I am.”

“Yes.” Nobu growled. “You’ve said that five times already.”

“I can guarantee you the safety of both soldiers and civilians.” Yoshi told Lu. “For the details, it would be best to discuss them with everyone present.”

“Fair enough. Here we are.” Reaching a large set of doors Lu opened them with only one arm. “Shi! Sun! I’m-AAAAHH! SHIII!!!”

There’s a moment in time when against all odds, life will find a way to crash your good mood. In fiction, it comes with a phrase like “I have a bad feeling about this.” Or some bullshit about the weather before things go wrong.

Reality was different. In reality, it could happen at any moment. It was that lesson I learned today as the cruel demon known as fear gripped my heart.

I couldn't tell you about the palace or anything else. All I could see was the red, red which was splattered all over the floor and dyed the once beautiful palace in it’s dark, gritty color.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the cause of all my misery in Taika wobbling around the throne room, her eyes widened as if her brain had stopped functioning. But the one who really took the spotlight was a young girl in an oversized robe slumped over a column.

A sense of Deja Vu hit me as my body took a tiny step into the room before I finally came to my senses. “W-What the hell?!”

“Eyaaahhh!!” Himiko screamed. “I, i, i, it’s a bloodbath! Red all over! What on earth happened!?”

“SHIIIIN!” Lu ran to the slumped girl’s side.

“Aha… ahahaha…… We’ve lost!.... We’ve lost!” Sun giggled miserably.

“A military strategist in awe, a bloody emperor… A suicide born from despair…” Himiko continued. “How horrible… If we were only a little faster, this tragedy could have been avoided…”

“SHI!” Lu lifted what I was now sure was the famous Qin Shi Huang in the air and shook her. “Talk to me! Shi!”

With a gasp Shi opened her eyes. “Lu…? Oh, you’re alright…”

“Kyaah! She’s a zombie!” Himiko screamed before fainting.

“Please...someone...water…” Shi asked before coughing some more blood.

“Water coming right away!” Lu ran deeper into the palace. “Man, that’s one nasty episode you had Shi. Don’t worry, some rest and you will feel better than ever!”

“....What just happened?” Nobu asked.

“Not the worst case scenario.” I replied dumbly. “Uh, hey, Sun. What the fuck?”

“Aha….ahahaha…” Sadly she was still out of it.

“Maybe we should give them time to recover?” Yoshi offered, even she looking unsure how to react.

“No… I got this.” I mumbled as I walked over to the green haired girl with the most severe feeling of whiplash I had ever felt.

Then I whacked her in the head. “Uwah?!”

“Pull yourself together!” I declared. “And while I’m at it…. Lancelot!”

“'Kay.”

The sound of two more whacks sounded throughout the room as I shook my head in pain. “Right where was I… Pull yourself together woman!”

“Guyaaah! Stop hitting me!” Sun held her aching head. “Ah, you’re the Servant of Heaven-” Then she noticed the blood. “WAAAAAHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SHI?! YOU FIEND!!!”

“Dumbass!” I shouted back as I began to actually figure out what the fuck was going on. “You were so out of it because of one measly loss that you completely ignored the fact that your emperor coughed out all that blood right in front of you!”

I glanced idly at the blood puddle. “By the way did she really cough out all that? Christ what does she even have.”

I’m starting to see why Nobu could so easily start a rumor that she collapsed somewhere.

“Shi did-?! Shi has a weak constitution, she gets sick easily!!” She frantically looked around. “Where is she?!”

“That way. With Lu Bu.” Ben pointed.

Sun immediately away, screaming “SHIII!!” all the while.

“I thought I had it rough, but here in Taika it’s not much better.” Nobu sighed.

“Nobu, I gave up on sanity after learning that you people walk around in your underwear and see nothing wrong with it.”

====

It took some time before Shi was no longer on death’s door. At least, when we sat down on the negotiation table and she immediately started coughing it was just air and not blood that came out of her mouth.

“How are you even still alive.” I couldn’t help but marvel. “Like holy crap are you sick.”

“Please don’t worry about me…” She said with a low, gentle voice. “I will be alright...”

She coughed again.

“I’d, uh.” My eyes glanced to the table. “I’d offer to do this another day but my gut tells me this is the best I’m gonna get.”

“Shi, Shi. Sorry, I should have refused when you offered to activate the Terracotta Army.” Sun apologized. “I can take your place in the negotiations…”

“No, as the ruler of this country, I must carry out my duty…” She looked at me. “If you would listen, I have something to ask of you.”

“Hit me.” I stated automatically before coughing,.“Right sorry, that saying isn't used here. what’s the matter?”

“It is but a humble request from a defeated general, but please allow the people to continue living as they have done in the past.” She lowered her gaze. “In return, I would give my life to do with it as you will…”

“...Christ.” I sighed, putting a hand to my face. “Why do people keep thinking that we’re going to like, plunder the ever loving shit out of their lands after we win?”

“Ah...Uh, it’s a well-founded fear?” She hesitantly replied. “Even if what I have heard of the Servant of Heaven suggests nothing like that, I…” She coughed. “I must do everything I can...to make sure the people of Taika are happy…”

“I…” I raised a finger before lowering it. “I’m morbidly curious, what have you heard about me considering the last person who heard about me through the rumors and stuff…”

I shivered. “Yeah! Let’s not talk about her!”

“Mostly about how the Servant of Heaven that unified Zipang in record time was a young but very talented warrior.” Sun answered for Shi. “Prone to say and do very confusing things even in the middle of battle, love to set things on fire and is extremely picky about his food.”

“I don’t love to set things on fire.” I groaned. “Whoever started that I’m going to set on fire. ...That’s a joke.”

“Ah...Sorry. I shouldn’t make assumptions.” She began to nervously fiddle with her fingers. “U-Uhm, your answer?”

“Relax, you guys’ll be fine.” My hand waved. “We won’t be like, oppressing you guys with an iron first or something. I mean, there might be some changes but that’s to be expected.”

“T-Thank you…” She coughed. “Then...my life is…” She coughed again.

“Shi! Shi!” Sun panicked. “I told you to not force yourself! Hold on for a little more, I sent Lu to find the last jar of your medicine. Soon you will feel better.”

As if on cue the redhead bursted through the wall like the goddamn kool-aid man, a jar under her not-injured arm. “Shi! I found your medicine! Sorry for the delay, I forgot where I put it and had to search through the entire warehouse before finding it.”

“Ah...the wall, again…”

“Hey Lu.” I called out. “I hear there’s this invention that could really help you out.”

“Oh?” She placed the jar on the table. “What is it? What is it?”

“They are called!” My arms jumped up widely before gesturing to the original entrance to the room and whispering in a shocked tone. “Doors.”

“Don’t bother.” Sun said with a tired tone. “I lost count of the number of times I told her the same thing.”

“Thank you so much, Lu. You finally found my medici-” Shi coughed. “I’ll feel better if I just-” She coughed even harder, blood dripping down her chin.

“G-G-Go drink it right away!” Himiko yelled in fright. “There’s blood dripping from your mouth!”

“T-Thank you...Then for the time being, I will take my medicine…”

“Eeeh..” Lancelot sounded skeptical. “You’re going to drink that even though it’s not good for you?”

“What.” I blinked, turning to the brown haired girl. “Wha- Ooooh. It’s one of those sketchy Taika medicines isn’t it.”
“Eh…?” Shi looked confused.

“Don’t know.” Lancelot took a long sniff off the jar. “But I think it’s the same as something I tasted before. I think it contained an ingredient called… mercury, was it?”

My mouth dropped. “Are you saying that she has Mercury poisoning?!”

“P-Poison…!?”

Lancelot removed the jar’s covering and looked inside. “Ah, so it was. This silver color and smell, it’s the same. When I drank it before my stomach started to ache, so I remember it well.”

“O-Oh shit.” I whispered. “Someone call in a physician! Or- I unno, Sei! Just call whoever you know! She needs to be examined ASAP! And don’t let her drink any more of that stuff!”

“P-P-Poison?!” Sun looked like she was having a seizure. “But then, the peddler that sold us the medicine... AAAH! FRAUD! ASSASSINATION! My poor Shi!”

“That...explained why it wasn’t effective. But to think...it was poiso..poi…”

Shi coughed a large amount of blood, splattering the table red, before collapsing.

“Crap!” I exclaimed, jumping up from my seat and grabbing the poor girl's shoulders. “Someone help me get her to the infirmary!”

“Leave it to me!” While I still had Shi in my arms Lu picked me up with only one hand, like a waiter with a plate, and shot straight through the hole in the wall.

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY HELPING!"

"No time to complain!"

...Huh. So she did know what doors were after all.

====

After the fight:

Chen: I just realized.

Chen: Sun Tzu didn't win because she didn't follow "Know your enemy" because the enemy didn't remember himself.

Chen: That is like.

Chen: The most inverted version of the saying ever.

After the end of this chapter:

Chen: Goddammit this game cannot decide on a tone at all can it. You enter a blood splattered room! You thought it was a tragedy? Well psyche, it was actually a comedy!

Chen: Well here’s something for you Eiyuu Senki.

Chen: No one’s fucking laughing.

 

Chapter 26: We're Shameless

====

Somehow we managed to reach the infirmary without damaging the palace too much. The doctors there, after learning of the mercury poisoning, politely asked us to vacate the premise in respect to the Empress’ privacy.

I had no idea what they were going to do, but the repeated sounds of someone emptying their stomach coming from the infirmary quickly killed any curiosity I had in that regard.

I’m starting to suspect that EMIYA numbs down how easy it is to disgust me because I never seemed to be feeling this sick on the battlefield.

When it was finally done we were admitted back, where Shi was sleeping in one of the infirmary’s beds. Lu and Sun decided to wait there for their friend to wake up, leaving me with the job to calm down everyone in the castle.

After convincing even the most stubborn ones that, no, their Empress wasn’t dying I went to check in on her. Shi was still sleeping, but Sun and Lu asked me to take their places for a few minutes while they get something to drink for when she would wake up.

It was just my luck that Shi began to stir a mere minute after the other two left. “Un, urngh…” She opened her meek purple eyes, slowly blinking and looking around. “Where am I…?”

“You’re in the infirmary.” I said from my position on the wall. “Have a nice nap sleeping beauty?”

...Note to self: Suave cool guy is not my roll. Also, no matter how many times you practice your lines in your head it doesn’t always work in reality.

“Eh? Oh, uhm…” She blushed, her pale skin making it even more pronounced. “I apologize...I’ll wake up quicker next time…”

“It’s fine.” NO IT’S NOT FINE SHE’S BLUSHING I DON’T WANT A HIMIKO ALL OVER AGAIN. “After what the doctors gave you… Yeah uh, it’s no surprise you were out like a light. Not like you went to sleep naturally after all.”

“Uuuh…” She blushed even harder, probably in embarrassment. “Uhm...forgive me, but where are Lu and Sun?”

“They just left to go get water for when you wake up.” I shrugged, pointing at the door. “They should be back soon provide something unexpected doesn’t happen.”

I paused before shifting my gaze from the door to the wall. “You uh, you think we should be prepared just in case Lu decides to make an entrance?”

“I’m sorry, Lu is a bit of a scatterbrain.” She coughed slightly before trying to stand up. “I need to...ah!”

She started to fall down.

“WOAH THERE!” I exclaimed, dashing over to her side in order to pick her up. “As cliche as this may sound I really doubt you should get out of bed. Especially after that operation. Like, moving around isn’t even remotely a good idea.”

The door chose that exact moment to slide open. “Shi! Are you up? I brought you something to drink.” Sun announced, a tray with different cups in her hands.

“Shi, you alright? Or can you still not move?” Lu worried.

“Ah…” Shi softly gasped.

“Oh…” Lu muttered.

“Well, well. You two…” Sun commented, a strangely pleased expression on her face.

“It’s not wh- Wait no crap there’s no way I’m finishing that sentence.” BLRGGGG. “Head. Women. Don’t go there.”

“I just tripped.” Shi defended herself. “Nothing’s going on here…”

“I’ve got an idea. Perhaps us third wheels should make our exist. We’ll wait in the hallway. We’ll be sure to clear everyone out, so you can go 3, 5, maybe even 5 times. Don't forget to let him lead!” Sun was literally sparkling.

“Ahhh...Finally, the day that Shi becomes an adult…” While Lu was crying like a mother who saw her daughter getting married.

My jaw dropped. “I-I was about to make a comment along the lines of ‘how many romance books have you read?!’ but you two, your heads went far, far deeper down the rabbit hole than I expected.”

“W-Wait...There is a misunderstanding…” Sun was turning redder and redder by the second.

“Good luck!” Lu offered us a thumb-up before closing the door and leaving with Sun.

“...” Shin coughed blood and fainted. Again.

I slowly put her back down on the bed before trying to process what just happened.

I… What?

What just happened?

Sun and Lu just came in, made me act out the most cliche ecchi trope in the book and then left thinking I was going to have my way with Shi.

And if Yoshi were to find out…

My legs moved immediately and the door that the two Taika generals just left through was instantly blown out into the hallway with a loud bang. The air around me grew ten times hotter as I stepped out of the room with my eyes twitching. “GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!”

====

After the initial chaos I managed to catch up with those two perverts and clear the misunderstanding before the damage could become irreversible. Yoshi gave Sun and Lu a mighty scolding, and even I got reprimanded for using my aura inside a building.

Truth be told I didn’t even know I had an aura until that incident. Usually things just light on fire.

A few days later, when Shi felt well enough to stand and walk, me, Himiko and Yoshi met up with the Taika trio in the conference room.

“I, I apologize for all the troubles we caused…” Shi began, her voice soft as ever.

“Well it’s not your fault.” I turned to the green haired women. “Right?”

“Seeing Shi’s cheeks turn red like that…” She didn’t even look sorry, just disappointed. “My instinct led me astray on that one.”

“Our reunion ended in quite the misunderstanding…”

“Oh well.” Lu shrugged, looking as carefree as ever. “Anyway, now that you’re well, Shi, we need to decide what we’ll do.”

“You’re right.” She nodded at the redhead before facing us: while still frail, now there was also a palpable sense of dignity in Shi’s overall appearance. “Can I ask...what will become of us?”

“I…” I began before turning to my companions. “I have no idea. Someone want to answer that? Himiko not included.”

“Oni-san!” She gave me a cute frown. “Why do you say that? I’m sure, now that we’re the winners, they’ll surely believe my prophecy and join us in the unification of the world under the benevolent rule! Of Zipang!”

“You were thinking of tickle torturing them weren’t you?”

“No! Just...a bit of gloating? Maybe had them buy some cute Taika dress...?”

“And that’s why you’re not allowed to talk.” Yoshi chopped Himiko on her head before addressing Shi. “It is not Zipang’s intention to oppress foreign countries. Rather, for our mission to unite the world to be successful we would like for each unification to be as smooth as possible. Furthermore, the Taika Empire is vast: we don’t have the manpower to replace everyone in its bureaucracy, so it’s better to just let those already there continue their work. To put it bluntly...Qin Shi Huang, Empress of the Taika Empire: we would like you and your general to join us. In exchange you can continue to govern Taika as you did before.”

“...You, you will leave it up to me?”

“Yeaaaaaaah.” I shrugged. “I uh, quite frankly I’m not the best of leaders. Hell I didn’t want to be the Emperor of Zipang but ya pull the magic sword outta it’s sheath and Bada bing Bada boom you’re stuck with the job. Which is why I will lead the most effective way I can!”

I raised a pointer finger in the air before putting it down and staring at the Taika Squad flatly. “Making other people do the work for me.”

Sun gave me a flat look. “Everyone is capable of that.”

“And thus, bureaucracy.” I gave a mock bow. “No but seriously I’m kind of just here. Yoshi’s the one who does most of the work. And before your mind even goes there no I’m not marrying her just so she can keep doing my paperwork!”

“Don’t worry, you’re doing nothing to push me down that route.” Yoshi gave me an even flatter look.

“Uhh…” Shi looked around confused before turning to her friends. “Lu, Sun: what should I do?”

“Here you see my strategy in action.” I whispered to Yoshi in a disguised cough.

Lu smiled. “Go with your heart Shi. I don’t mind either way.”

“It will always be the three of us together.” Sun reassured her. “I will leave the decision to you.”

“You don’t have to answer us now.” Himiko fidgeted. “You can take a couple of days to think it over…”

“No, allow me to answer here and now.” While still soft, now Shi’s tone was also resolute. “It seems it’s already been decided...Please allow us to join you. If it’s the Taika Empire, then I-” She coughed slightly. “I know more than anyone. If I can serve the people...then I would ask for nothing else.”

“Done.” I waved. “Right! So is this meeting over or do we have to explain everything right now?”

“Depends on what you mean with ‘everything’.” Sun grinned. “I don’t recall any human anatomy chapters in my textbooks, but if you give me half an hour I’ll gather all relevant texts from the library.”

I blinked at her.

Well let’s see…

“SoHimikogotaprohecyawhilebackthatstatedthattheworldwasgoingtondduetoqnunkowncauseorsomethingsoshedecidedtogoconquertheworldinordertounitetheworldqndstandagainstheoncomingapocolypsemeanwhiletheworodwarsucksandnoonefuckinglikesitsothepositiveaspectsofhumanitycalledthecounterforcedecidedtosummonaheroorcountergaurdianinodertofixeverythingsotheysummonedmefromthealternatetimelineuniversethatIwaalivinginforreasonsunkowneventomeandthat’swhyI’mherealsothegodsareeitherdeadorneverexistedwhothefuckknowsalsoalsomymentorYamatoTakeruwentrealfuckingweirdamdtheprevailingtheoryisthatshe’sbrainwashedwellanywaysherpowergotcomoketlyboostedandshealsodecidedtogoonaselfrightousgenocidespreeandwedon’tknowwheresheisanymorebecauseshevanishedintotheunkownandthatistheplotsofar.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Any questions?”

There was an awkward silence that lasted for a full minute before Lu raised a hand. “How did you manage to say all that without breathing?”

“Very carefully.”

====

For those who, understandably, skipped the wall of text:

Spoiler

“So Himiko got a prophecy awhile back that stated that the world was going to end due to unknown cause or something so she decided to go conquer the world in order to unite the world and stand against the oncoming apocalypse. Meanwhile the world war sucks and none fucking likes it so the positive aspects of humanity called the counter force decided to summon a hero or counter guardian in order to fix everything, so they summoned me from the alternate timeline universe that I was living in for reasons unknown even to me and that’s why I’m here. Also the gods are either dead or never existed who the fuck knows. Also, my mentor Yamato Takeru went real fucking weird and the prevailing theory is that she’s brainwashed. Well, anyways her powers came back boosted and she also decided to go on a self righteous genocide spree and we don’t know where she is anymore because she vanished into the unknown and that is the plot so far.”

 

Chapter 27: Kids In America

====

“Right,- I began, peeking behind the corners of the empty hallway Lancelot and I were currently in. “Coast is clear. You got your sword ready?”

“Me and Arondight are ready to take a stab at it anytime!” She enthusiastically declared, her blade glowing a violet purple. “Just show us the target and we’ll do the deed with none the wiser.”

“Roger that. Remember, we have to be really stealthy about this so make sure to keep A-Aron’s presence elimination field up at all times.” I sighed before walking up to the only door in the hallway and putting a hand on the handle,.“No talking until the coast is clear, we G&G. Got it?”

“Are snacks allowed? The tension is making me hungry.”

“Oh Lance, we’re gonna have a party after this one.” I chuckled. “Now.... go!”

And with that I basically slammed the door open, the sound of the sliding door hitting the wall with a solid clack only to reveal the former (but basically still) empress of Taika herself.

“E-Eh?” She looked up from the scroll she was reading, a bit startled. “Oh, Chen-dono. Can I help you?”

Without saying a word I shifted my body to the side, allowing Lancelot to pass through into the room.

“Excuse me.” GODDAMNIT I JUST WENT OVER THIS! * With a carefree smile as ever she marched straight to Shi.

“E-Eep!”

And picked her up, moving the small girl behind her back and quickly locking her arms under the target’s legs. In a way, it was a quick and skillful way to give someone a piggyback.

“C-Chen-dono? Lancelot-dono?” Shi hesitantly asked after grabbing on Lancelot’s shoulders. “What..is happening?”

“Can’t talk, Chen said so.” Was the laconic answer. The room started to get slightly hotter as I glared at Lancelot.

“Whatever.” I sighed,.“Let me remind you too keep your sword’s field up… Now go go go!”

And with that we all start booking it from the room and down the palace’s corridors at full speed.

“Wha, wha, what’s going on?!” Shi cried softly.

Oh, she had no idea…

====

The sound of party poppers ringed throughout the meeting room we had brought Shi to. She sat at the end of the table, though with all the snacks and papers on it seemed less like a meeting room and more like a refurbished club room. The rest of the occupants of the room, that being BenBen and Himiko, leisurely ate the food reserved for Lancelot because we have no rules yo.

Also Yoshi was there too, I guess, but she was too busy sighing in her seat like always.

“Surprise!” Me and Lancelot exclaimed, putting the party poppers down before giving each other a high five.

Shi shyly looked around in slight bewilderment. “Uhm...I can see this is a celebration, but for what?”

“Ahem.” I began,.“Well you see-”

“Welcome to the Idiot Brigade!” BenBen cheered, her face stained with cream.

I snapped my fingers, before putting a finger at the brown haired girl “Yes that! Welcome to the Idiot Brigade! We uh…”

My head turned back to the rest of the Brigade. “What do we do again?”

“You spend the budget into trash food and entertainment publications while proudly declaring yourself idiots.” Yoshi’s reply was delivered with a flat tone and just an ounce of pity.

“I’ll have you know that our budget is perfectly reasonable here!” Come on don’t just assume I’m wasting all our money! “And entertainment publications? Who the hell calls books entertainment publications? Don’t try to be an intellectual.”

Yoshi lifted up a copy of the latest Young Hop. “You call this a book?”

“Yes.” I basically hissed out. “Just because a manga has pictures doesn’t mean it’s not a piece of literature. It’s the story that matters in the end. Though, I will admit compared to back home you guys are mostly shit in terms of literature, or maybe I’m just too used to the way stories are told back home.”

“I take offense to that.” She shot me a half-lidden glare. “Just because you come from a more advanced world doesn’t mean its literature is automatically better. Can you prove it?”

“Please don’t fight…” Shi pleaded.

“Eh, this is normal.” I waved the blonde girl off. “And like I said, it could be that I’m just too used to the ways stories are told back home. Modern and slash or postmodern storytelling is mostly the norm back home so the way stories are written here are kinda… off. It’s hard to explain with none of you having read works like I have. I’d offer to write one myself but, well, I highly doubt my skills are up to par with a professional.”

“Aren’t we here to welcome a new member?” Himiko interjected while eating shrimp chips one after the other.

“...Right yeah!” I turned back to Shi. “Welcome to the Idiot Brigade Shi! We eat snacks, entertain ourselves, and generally have fun! Though I should probably mention you’re in whether you like it or not. That’s how Yoshi got in after all.”

“M-Me? I never being part of a brigade before, I don’t know what to do…”


“Relax!” A laugh escaped my lips. “Now as a completely responsible leader-”

Yoshi coughed.

“As a completely responsible leader-” I began again. “I have thus began a group activity so that we can all get to know each other! ...Please don’t tell me we’re actually going through with it.”

“King Game! King Game!” Benben threw her arms in the air. “It has to be King Game!”

“Okay thank god we aren’t going with Truth or Dare!” I through my hands up in the air. “Okay so… How do you play the King Game? I know the gist but I never played it myself.”

“It’s actually simple.” Yoshi took out six chopsticks from a glass full of them (why was that even there?) and produced a pencil. “First, you write ‘KING’ on one chopstick and number the rest from 1 upwards.”

After doing so she took an empty cup, put the chopsticks inside so that the numbers are concealed and shook them so that they mixed. “Everyone draw a stick without telling the others their number. The person who draw the ‘KING’ chopstick can give orders to the other players to perform by stating their numbers, but he must do so before knowing who has which number. After each deed is done the chopsticks are gathered again and the process is repeated.”

“...This is going to hell fast I can already tell.” I sighed. “Right let’s get this show on the road!”

With a few gulps everyone held out their hands.

“Ready...Go!”

We all grabbed a chopstick and pulled it out.

“What a coincidence, I am the King.” Yoshi showed the chopstick with ‘KING’, a faint smile on her lips.

“Oh god no.” I whispered in horror, looking at my number.

One huh?
“Let’s see...1 must go down on their knees and kiss 5’s hand.”

“5. That’s me.” Lancelot showed her chopstick.

“...Right okay are you cheating?” I glared at Yoshi. “Are you?”

“The only rule of the King Game, is that the King’s orders are absolute.” She replied with a refreshing smile.

“Hand-kissing? I always had to do it, never received one myself.” Lancelot stood up and held out her right. Himiko and BenBen were trying way too hard to not snicker. “What did Galahad always say...Something about sucking in your split and don’t comment on the taste?”

“Fucking whatever.” I sighed, getting on my knees. “Put your hand out, this could be worse I suppose.”

She leaned forward and extended her hand.

“Here I go…” I coughed before pecking her hand and jumping right back on my feet. “Okay! That doesn’t count as the first time I kissed a girl right?”

“No.” Yoshi’s expression turned sly. “But thanks for the detail about your life.”

“Oh you act like I keep the fact I have no love life whatsoever a secret.” Really now, come on. “So what’s the next order your majesty?”

“Uhm…” She pondered. “2 must hold 4 bridal style and hop around.”

“2!” Benkei revealed.

“...4.” Shi shyly admitted. “Kya!”

Without hesitation BenBen picked up Shi bridal style and began to hop around the room while singing some kind of kiddy rhyme. “An acorn rolled down and down~ He suddenly fell into a pond~! Then came the loaches~ Hi boy! Come play with us~!”

“I don’t like where this rhyme is going.” I declared. “It’s already dark enough."

“The acorn enjoyed playing with them~ But he soon began to cry~ I want to go back to the mountain~! The loaches didn't know what to do~”

“That’s enough Benkei.” Yoshi tried to call the excited girl down.

“‘Kay!”

“Ooohh...this is not good for my health…” Shi moaned after being put down.

“Finally…” Yoshi turned to Himiko.

“You can’t tell me to study harder!” She immediately objected. “The king’s orders cannot continue past the game’s end!”

“True.” Yoshi nodded. “3 must croak like a frog.”

“Buwaaahh!!” Himiko gaped.

“Oh you got off easy compared to everyone else!” I growled. “Croak! Croak I say!”

“Ribbit! Ribbit!” Yoshi made a ‘go on’ gesture. “Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit!”

“Good enough I suppose.” Yoshi commented after Himiko turned red from the effort. “Ready for another round?”

“Fucking bring it.”

“Benkei’s King!” The green-eyed girl laughed.

Number two this time huh? Well let’s just hope things turn out all righ-

“Mumumumu…” Benkei looked like she was thinking really hard. “1, feed me!”

“Okay.” Lancelot took out a spoon of ice-cream. “Say aaah~”

“Aaah~” The Britannian girl put the spoon into Benkei’s mouth. When she pulled it out it the spoon was completely clean. “Next...2, feed me!”

“Are you just going to request food from everyone?”

“...Can Benkei request headpats too?” She replied with an innocent smile.

“You can request-” I wriggled my fingers. “Anything.”

Her eyes sparkled. “The biggest mochi in the world?!”

“Okay clarification time.” Oh dear god this was gonna give me a headache wasn’t it? “You can request people to do anything.”

“Okey dokey~ Then, 2 feed me again. 3 give me a headpat. 4 and 5 sing a song with me!”

...Yeah I should’ve expected this.

====

Several hours later and we were finally free of that accursed game by virtue of morpheus' embrace. That wasn’t to say it wasn’t fun, it was plenty, but I once again realized that when it comes to party games like this I’m really really bad at coming up with orders.

And also halfway through I ended up shirtless for some reason so there’s that.

Nevertheless soon it was just Yoshi and I actually talking in the Brigade HQ, the others having long since gone to sleep. In the HQ. Yeah I have no idea why they didn’t just hit the bed, it’s not like the meeting table was comfortable.

“That was fun.” Yoshi smiled, seeming unmindful of the bowl she had to wear. “We should do it again.”

“Ugh, please no.” I groaned. “I’d have to make a list of orders just so I wouldn’t have to come up with them on the spot again.”

“That’s the beauty of this game.” She replied easily. “Do you mind bringing the others back to their rooms? Especially Shi-san, we can’t let her sleep on the floor.”

“Oh uh, no problem. Should probably wait for my shirt to dry first though.” My body shivered in the cold air. “Don’t want Sun to get the wrong idea again.”

“Let’s avoid that.” Walking in front of Himiko, who was mumbling in her sleep, she pulled her up from under the arms. “Come on Himiko, let’s-”

“Noo!” The black-haired girl cried out in her sleep. “Why are Yoshitsune’s boobs bigger than mine? It’s not fair!”

Startled Yoshi lost her hold on Himiko, who while falling suddenly grabbed onto Yoshi’s chest.

“Ah! Wha-”

There was a loud ripping sound. Himiko landed on her face, clutching pieces of torn white fabric in her fists.

Two flesh-colored balls rolled around before stopping, one against the table and the other against the wall.

I couldn’t help but notice it.

Those were pads, and Yoshi’s chest was as flat as a boy.

...My eyes turned from the pads to her face, which was flushed bright red. “You uh, you know I’ve thought to myself once or twice that you were a washboard compared to everyone else but I didn’t actually think it was true.”

“...You saw, didn’t you?” Yoshi whispered, her eyes empty as her whole body shook. “Even though I was trying to hide it from everyone...I never thought you’d be the one to find out…”

“Well uh-” I looked away, my face turning hot. “I… have no idea what to do here. You uh- Okay I’ll bite. I’m morbidly curious as to why you’re hiding the fact that you’ve grown as much as BenBen.”

“...My clan didn’t choose to become like this… Oh, why do I have to go through all of this? Now… Now then, let’s have you atone.” With a very forced smile she unsheathed her katana. “Now that you’ve seen what you’ve seen I can’t let you live, you know? I’ll at least make it a painless death.”

“I SPEAK FOR HUMANITY WHEN I SAY FLAT IS JUSTICE!” I yelled, only to have to roll on to the ground as the crazy chick sliced where I just stood. “Okay so maybe the genetic lottery made you have less curves than a square! It’s not all that bad right?!”

She started swinging harder.

====

So I got the explanation to what that was about!

“Whaaaaaaaaaaat.”

I didn’t understand it all that well.

“Like I said, it’s a curse.” Yoshi sighed. “My family, the Minamoto, had a long-lasting feud with the Taira family. My ancestors managed to finally defeat them, but before dying the heroes of Taira cursed us. It’s known as the ‘Taira Curse’. The Minamoto has been cursed to be flat-chested...” She was on the verge of crying. “My mother, my grandmother, my aunties...there is none of us yet who have escaped this powerful curse.”

“So what you’re telling me,” I began. “Is that a clan who just had been murdered in it’s entirety, cursed your clan to make you… flat chested in revenge? That’s, well I’d say that’s pretty fucking stupid but then again people like NobuNobu exist.”

“We didn’t wipe them out completely. I know for a fact remnants of the Taira still exist in hiding.” She sighed. “It’s because the Taira were ridiculed for being flat-chested. Perhaps they just couldn’t contain their anger… If possible, please keep this a secret from the others.”

“I mean… I guess I could sorta see where you’re coming from.” Let’s see… “If I’m remembering right, though I don’t think it was a curse, my family had something to that effect to? Well, the long story short of it was that as far as I know, all the blood-related males on my father's side of the family spent their youths as fat boys who ate too much food for their own good and had to take drastic measures to get into shape. Yeah I know, sounds bizarre coming from me but I guess somewhere along the line an inversion had to take place eventually.”

“But they could lose weight with enough effort. My breasts won’t grow any bigger no matter what I do. It’s something I quietly worked hard to overcome a long time ago. Ah, if only there was a way to break the curse…”

“...Do you really want that?” I sighed. “Look I’m no expert on feminine growth or psychology but is there a particular reason you want the curse broken? Besides jealousy and having a convenient target to put your anger on that is.”

The look she gave me could have killed a bull ten times over, telling me to shut up or else.

But then again, at this point I was absurdly used to women giving me that look.

===

Notes:

Chen: So in hindsight, looking back at all of this, I can tell you exactly where this chapter came from with that little end segment. See, around yesterday or so, circumstances led me to thinking of Eiyuu Senki Beach episode and with that came the wonderful thought of Lu Bu in a bikini. Admit it, you’re grateful I gave you that mental image.

Chen: So anyways I hit up Alex and he’s listening to me ramble on a bit when eventually the thought of the other characters in beach wear get brought up and honestly it’s just sad. So he’s all like “Japan doesn’t like curvy bodies.” and I’m all like “That explains why Yoshi is a goddamn washboard!”

Chen: So he pops in with a picture of Yoshi all like “She has boobs.” Then I back track with “Compared to everyone else.” Then I looked closer and I realized something.

Chen: She has literally no curves whatsoever. I mean I didn’t expect that she also padded her breasts but thinking back on it I can see why Alex revealed that little segment this chapter…

Chen: Thinking back on it I could’ve probably handled the situation better, guess I gotta go talk to her again sometime.

====

Do you think I can post this chapter on SB? Or does it break some rules?

 

Chapter 28: Enter the Sandman

====

“We need you to speak with the governor of Hong Kong and request permission for Zipang troops to pass through it.” With those words Yoshi began the usual meeting.

It was a bit of a bigger size today with our most recent conquest of Taika. Usually it was just Himiko, Yoshi, and I with the occasional visit by Nobu but now that we had another empress (Shi) and the girl who literally wrote the book on warfare (Sun) we now had to expand the meeting room to like, three snacks.

I don’t know what’s up with these women but they sure do love to eat.

“Okay but, like-” I paused, debating my options. “Do I have to like, write a letter or do I have to actually speak with the governor of Hong Kong?”

After all, Taika wasn’t in control of Hong Kong and we needed to pass through Hong Kong to get to our current target, that being India.

Wait if Taika doesn’t have control over Hong Kong than that means...

“I swear if this ends with me having to be in the same room as Arthur again I’m jumping out the nearest window and considering this meeting over.”

“A letter works too, but a direct meeting would go much faster. If it’s you that ask her, Arthur would agree immediately…” Yoishi gave me a knowing look. “But I guess hoping the governor is pliable to our request due to his Queen’s high opinion of you would do. But there is another reason I’m asking you. I would like if, after receiving permission, you do a small tour of the first Indian settlement outside Hong Kong. In disguise.”

“And when you say disguise…”

“Only one or two guards for escort, and acting like a tourist. Not need to change your appearance.” She nodded. “Just go there, look around a little and report everything you see. Easy enough.”

And there goes my plans.

“Is this because of the disaster that was Shanghai?” My eyes glanced at the green devil before continuing. “Actually come to think of it does India have anyone on the strategic level of Sun? I don’t really know much about them now that I think about it…”

“Of course not, I would know of them in that case.” Sun replied. “On the other hand, India has a long tradition of martial arts. Not on the level of Lu of course, but their warriors are very strong. The political landscape on the other hand…”

“That’s one of the reasons I ask you to look around anonymously. I’ll tell you everything at your return, I don’t want to color your future impressions prematurely.” Yoshi finished. “So, who will you take with you?”

Guards. Guards…

Well if we’re talking about Guards there’s only two people I can think of.

“Sasaki and…” Should I? “Lu. Preferably if she doesn’t blow our cover by running through the walls again.”

“Lu’s shoulder has yet to heal, but that hasn’t slowed her down yet.” Sun sighed. “Go ahead, just make sure she doesn’t use her injured arm, please?”

“If she does I’ll, uh.” I tried to think of something before continuing. “I’ll think of a punishment later. You know what? You think of a punishment or something I don’t know her all that well.”

“Easy: Shi will scold her.”

“Uhm...please look after Lu…?” The timid empress asked.

====

So it turns out that we didn’t even need to talk to the Hong Kong governor. Arthur already that for us in advance!

...Which, knowing that crazy woman, is ridiculously creepy. Is she spying on me?

The first Indian village we reached after leaving Hong Kong was the very epitome of rural. The buildings were made of straw and bricks, people walked around in those indian clothes called kurta and saari (I asked), there were cows everywhere and the heat was ramped up to eleven.

Also, Sasaki and Lu wandered away at one point and I currently had no idea where they were. At least we agreed to not leave the village.

That was when two shady-looking guys approached me. “‘Scuse me sir, hold on a second.”

“That’s a nice outfit you’re wearin’.” The second commented, the rest of the villagers quickly moving away or returning to their homes before closing doors and windows. “You came all the way here to sightsee?”

“I dunno-” I replied, stretching my arms. “You practice those lines in a back alley?”

The first guy smirked. “Sorry, but actually you need to pay the toll to cross through here. I’m sure you understand why, even us back-alley folks need to eat.”

“But you seem like a smart guy.” The second guy added. “So, as an exception, we’ll make it cheap for you…”

“WAIT!”

A voice shouted before something impacted the first guy’s head at high speed. “Ouch! What’s this…?” He clawed at his forehead and pulled away...a coin? “A coin? Who did this? And where’re you hiding!? Show yourself!”

It was with the sound of metal rings that their attacker appeared. Dressed in white, she strode through the streets as if they belonged to her, the sound of her staff thumping against the earth stood her declaration.

She was also a tiny brown hair’d girl that’d give Tama a run for her money in the “Smolest Women” category.

“Oh she is just looking to get mugged.” I mumbled to myself.

“Step away from him.” She asked the bandit with a polite but adamant tone. “Let’s just end this without harm done.”

“Wh-Who’re you?! You want some hurtin’!?”

“Where evil takes hold, you will find Sanzou…” She raised the hand with the rosary in the air before lowering it and pointing a finger at the two thugs. “Trying to take advantage of a traveler… Even if the sun has overlooked it, I shan’t allow it!”

“...You people have too much free time if you can say lines like those with a straight face.” I interrupted. “Should I just like, go or…”

They ignored me and kept on. “You are that group of thieves everyone’s been talking about. Are you not ashamed of your actions?”

“Huh? We got nothin’ to be ashamed of.” The second thug retorted. “We’re trying to feed ourselves! We’re just borrowin’ from the rich folks, is all…”

“So it’s the money…” The girl nodded, as if confirming a doubt.

“Of course! You got a problem!?”

“Pitiful people taken in by the allure of money…” She smiled serenely at the thugs, even if her words were very close to be mocking. “But you haven’t fallen to evil just yet. I shall set your minds aright once more.”

Her staff thumped against the earth once more. Before any of us could do anything-

“The gold that you desire...it is gold that controls the world...a symbol of happiness...Magic coins that allow you to possess anything you wish...Or rather magic bills...An all-powerful item, in a sense...the strongest weapon...or the strongest shield. But please, think about this. However you look at it, it’s just an ordinary piece of metal. A certain type of stone or even just a slip of paper. You get no nourishment from it. It has no flavor. It can’t be eaten, whether you boil it or roast it. You can’t wear it or ride it, clean with it or be friends with it─”

She began to talk faster and faster, her mouth moving with an almost machine-like precision. I don’t think she was even breathing.

====

She finished ten minutes later, looking none the worse for it. At one point the thugs were joined by more of their friends, but now most of them were either crying out for their mothers or had ran away. I myself had just settled to sit down on some near by steps and put my face in my hands.

“She’s done!” I exclaimed as soon as she finished. “She’s finally fucking done!”

“Aaah...You talked fer so long most of my friends ran away…” The guy who received a coin on his forehead lamented.

“Many of them regret their sins. Their hearts has been reformed.” She replied, looking satisfied. “Perhaps now they will live justly. Condemn the sin, not the sinner. It seems that was resolved peacefully.”

“It’s not resolved at all! You tryin’a make a fool of me…! Everyone that’s left, let’s get ‘em!”

She frowned in disapproval. “You leave me no choice...Goku, finish this!”

Did she just say Gok-

The tiny red monkey that was previously hanging from her shoulders jumped to the ground and proceeded to beef up and grow until it was a giant monkey that looked jacked up on more steroids than an Armstrong.

“AAAAAHH!!” The thugs managed to scream before being beaten black and blue by the giant monkey.

“Even if they were to escape to the ends of the earth, their crimes are already clear.” She thumped her staff to the ground and with the hand holding the rosary assumed an one-handed prayer pose. “Punishment has come.”

“...This is almost painful to watch.” I mumbled to myself.

Don’t look this way don’t look this way don’t look this way-

She looked this way and smiled, as if meeting a dear friend. “Now then Hakkai...Are you alright? That could have been dangerous.”

“Hakkai?” I blinked before shaking my head. “No, wait, I’m pretty sure the way things turned out was even worse than if you didn’t intervene.”

“Does it perhaps mean you have advanced your understanding of the scriptures, Hakkai? Wonderful, I will have to test you later. With the wisdom of the sacred teachings we shall triumph over your lazy and gluttonous nature. More importantly, Hakkai.” She grabbed my sleeve. “You are my attendant. I can’t let you wander off like that, Hakkai.”

“Um,” Okay this is… “Sorry but I-I think you have the wrong person. I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

“It’s useless to feign ignorance with me now. I’ve been wandering all over in search of you. Excuse me for forgetting to bring your favorite food. I apologize, but I thought it was too cold-hearted of you to leave us for just one meal, Hakkai. Though of course, I’m not blaming you. Or were you rather planning on leaving me for good─”

“Okay look!” I interrupted. “Just because I look like someone you know doesn’t mean you start causing trouble to others!”

“How can you call troubles redeeming and punishing bandits while searching for a precious comrade?”

“First off you haven’t redeemed anyone! All you’ve done is just caused more harm!” A loud cracking sound came from behind me followed by a scream. “Case in point. Second, while your help was… appreciated I don’t know you!”

“Hakkai, you’re still pouting like that? Oh well. It can’t be helped then.” She talked like a mother indulging a young child. “I’ll prepare your meal immediately.”

“No! Look what you did!” I gestured to the groaning back alley thief as the gorilla finally stopped pounding on him. “He’s a starving poor guy who just tried to get some food and you beat him black and blue! He probably doesn’t even have a place to call a home or money to get healed, you might as well have condemned him to death!”

“Silly Hakkai. Food obtained through wicked means taste like ash and is not filling at all. But the one who meditate on the sacred scriptures can go without food for a hundred years.”

“I’m not arguing that!” My hands started to flail around wildly. “I’m arguing about how you call this redemption and punishment! Sure he was a criminal who deserves to be punished but there’s no redemption here! If you want to change a man, change a man through actions and not words! You have to change the way things are done, get rid of the problem not just pound out the symptoms until something works! All you’ve done is speak words many of the thieves couldn’t even understand before inciting fear! And you call that redemption?!”

Her smile turned radiant. “Hakkai! You have deepened your understanding of the scriptures. I am so proud of you.” The monkey, having returned to a normal size, climbed back on her shoulders. “Look Goku, while he was away your good friend Hakkai has matured so much.”

The monkey made a soft screech. I don’t know why, but I felt like he was laughing.

He probably knew what was going on, the bastard.

“I’ll preach to the townspeople of the virtues and nobility of charity. Meanwhile you, Hakkai, will endeavor to find this redeemed thief an honest job so that he can start his new life.”

I mean, while I wasn’t totally against that…

“There you are, Chen!” Lu and Sasaki chose that moment to finally return. “Sorry, we got a little side-tracked. So, what’s going on?”

“Gojyo! As I thought, you and Hakkai were together.” Letting go of me the crazy girl started marching to the two redheads. “Oh my. What happened to your arm? Don’t tell me, you got into troubles because of women again? Unlike Hakkai, I see you have not matured.” She thumped her staff again. “In the first place, I feel like our friendship has faded of late─”

“Wait okay now I have to stop you again!” I pointed at Lu. “There’s a case of mistaken identity and then there’s this. Lu is quite clearly a woman!”

Christ is she going to mistake everyone for someone else?

And than something clicked.

She can’t seem to connect reality, she’s read some “Sacred Scripture” for far too long…

Goddammit she’s got Don Quixote syndrome doesn’t she?

“Okay okay…” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Hey, uh, do you happen to have a copy of the sacred scripture on you right now? I, uh, would like to read it real quick.”

I scooted on over to my two fuck all useless guards before whispering to them,.“Don’t make any sudden moves, this girl is crazy and she has a magical gorilla.”

They both blinked before Lu just shrugged. “Okay. You seem to have everything under control with your new friend.”

“Loathe as I am to admit it, there is no time for that, Hakkai. There are people waiting for our help.” Her face assumed a look of intense focus and determination. “I am on a mission to fight against a great evil! To do so, I need the strength of my companions: Son Goku, Cho Hakkai and Sha Gojyo! Now is the time to join forces to bring down the misgovernment of the Indian Queen Ashoka!”

“Ahahaha… I see.” Right, dealing with a crazy person. Why did I think that would work? Still, rebellion huh?

Goddammit this is probably going to be a bad idea. “Lu. Sasaki. Grab Tripitaka over here for a sec.”

“Okay!”

“As you command.”

Both women moved to the sides of the crazy girl and, grabbing her arms, lift her up in the air. She didn’t seem worried in the slightest, merely curious. “Mh? Gojyo, what are you doing? And who’s this lady?”

Oh so when they have the body of a goddess you consider them a man but when Sasaki rolls around suddenly all you can see is a woman!

“I’m most definitely going to regret this!” I declared, raising an arm in the air. “But…”

Suddenly my feet turned around and I began to run. “WE’RE TAKING HER WITH US GUYS GO GO GO!”

====

“Let me get this straight.” Yoshi began, face imperturbable. “You met a person who is not sound of mind, and your first action...is to bring her here?”

“Hahhh. Freshly brewed tea really is delicious.” Said crazy girl sighed contently before attacking the crackers. “Mmmmmm! What delicious crackers! My mouth will punish them for their crimes!”

“Well I mean…” I shrugged. “She has that magic gorilla of hers and she seemed to be against the current state of Indian government so I figured she must be a Hero unit lurking out in India.”

“If she indeed mentioned ‘Ashoka’, then…” She seemed to ponder something before approaching our ‘guest’. “Excuse me…”

“Sanzou Houshi. I am but a humble travelling monk aiming to right wrongdoings and vanquish evil.” She introduced herself.

“Minamoto no Yoshitsune.” Our resident flatly-in-disguise bowed. “Can you tell me more about the misgovernment that is supposedly happening within India?”

“It’s not a tale for the faint of heart. Indeed, after arriving in India for the first time… The one who reached out to me, just a traveler who didn’t know left from right, was not the warm hand of a townsperson, but rather the cold and iron of─”

“Too long. Twenty words or less.” I commented from the side, shivering from experience with her past lectures, “Feel free to write the full story in written format later.”

“To sum it up: I have heard the grieving of the people. Now is the time to pass judgment.” She declared.

The monkey screeched.

“Goku, we can’t be violent yet.” She gently admonished him before giving him a cracker. “Save your strength so we can crush the enemy to bits.”

Yoshi just gave me a look as I sighed. “Look it’s a very strong monkey.”

She glanced at Goku skeptically before sighing. “Nonetheless, this confirms what I wished for you to investigate. As Sanzou said, India is being ruled by a Hero named Ashoka. Aside from the royal capital Gandhara, there are five other cities. Each city is controlled by a lord called a Maharaja, who governs according to Ashoka’s orders. It may be because Gandhara is so deeply entrenched within the country, but intelligence regarding Ashoka is limited. According to rumors she was a rough and wild character a long time ago, but she has changed her ways and is now a good ruler. However, without known cause India is experiencing a sudden deterioration of public peace.”

“Perhaps she grew tired of politics and lost interest in governing?” Sanzou offered in a rare bout of lucidity. “It does seem that India has been covered by a profound darkness.”

“...Hey.” I began, a grin beginning to spread on my face. “You happen to have a magic orb on you? I need to call up Himiko real quick, I just realized something and you’d barely get the joke.”

Five minutes later Yoshi has set up the connection. “Oni-san! I’m so happy you called. Do you need something? How can I help you?” Himiko’s projected image asked me.

“Well…” My voice trailed off. “I just got back from surveying India and I realized we had something very familiar upon us. I’ll give you a hint: It’s two words.”

“....Can I have a hint?”

“Himiko I just gave you one hint what more do you want from me?”

“B-But I’ve not studied! I can’t just spring a surprise test on me like this! That’s cheating!” She protested.

“You don’t even need to study to know this answer!” A sigh escaped my lips. “It was... Back when it was just me, you, and Yamato.”

“...A beautiful Yamatai?” She tried.

“Two words Himiko. You got one more chance before I give you the answer and you get an F.”

“Aaah! Oni-san is bullying me!” Himiko cried. “Two words….What, it’s World Conquest? We’re still doing it!”

“Nope. You see Himiko…” I leaned in real close to the orb before whispering the answer: “Deus Vult.”

Himiko’s sole response was a perfectly flat stare. In the background Yoshi facepalmed.

“Nyhahahhaha!” I laughed. “That’s right! It’s time for another crusade!”

Ah, the good old days when it was just the three of us. It feels like forever but it hasn't even been a year.

Yamato, if only you were here now...

 

Chapter 29: Let The Fox Talk

====

“And that concludes the declaration of war to India.” Yoshi put the official seal on the letter I painstakingly wrote, then she faced us all. “It will take some time to receive a response, so meanwhile there is an urgent topic we must discuss. I received a message from Seimei: according to her, someone is planning a revolt in Yamatai.”

...What.

“Repeat that again?” I asked, shaking my sore hand. “Like, slowly. Or something. Just, what?”

“Yes, I know: it should be beyond unlikely, but Seimei doesn’t lie. Omit some details or phrase her words to imply otherwise, but never lying.” Youshi nodded. “She thinks those things over carefully.”

“...Okay after hearing a sentence like that I need to hear the full message.”

“It says-” Nobu began to read. “There is a revolt brewing in Yamatai. Search every nook and cranny carefully, or disaster will follow. PS: Chen-kun, after you’re done with that would you mind doing me a favor and bring a bottle of Fushimi Sake to my shop in Kyoto? Thank you.” She hesitated. “There is some kind of...stylized fox at the end. I don’t know what it is, but it looks sickeningly cute.”

My eyes went wide before I took a deep breath,.“So, it has come to this.”

“Don’t tell me Oni-san, you also suspected someone was planning a revolt there?” Himiko asked.

“Oh no, it’s so much worse than that.” I looked to the side. “You know those things I bring to Brigade Meetings sometimes?”

“Things...oh, you mean the super secret thingamabobs?”

“What.” Nobu repeated, which was answered with a ‘don’t ask’ gesture from Yoshi.

“Yeah uh, we kind of owe favors to the foxes now.” My hand waved over a baffled Nobu,.“Like, a lot of favors.”

“If you asked Seimei for favors without expecting to be swept up by her whims in the future, you deserve everything that’s coming for you.” Yoshi dryly told me. “In any case, we need to conduct an complete investigation of Yamatai. A few but trusted people will suffice to do so.”

“Uh, yeah I’m pretty sure the rest of the brigade besides Shi has to go with me on this one.” I may or may not have given the favors as the ‘Entire Idiot Brigade’. “Let’s… Let’s just grab Tama as a replacement and not try to think about our impending doom.”

Please don’t kill me.

====

"And that concludes the last report" Tama finished. “There are absolutely no indications whatsoever that a revolt is underway within Yamatai.”

“So…” I began. “No human revolts?”

“Nothing is revolting within Yamatai.” The tiny woman nodded. “Or if they are, they’re exceptionally good at hiding themselves.”

“We planned carefully though, didn’t we?” Himiko frowned. “Maybe they’re lying in ambush somewhere...?”

“I think the chances of that are slim.” Yoshi interjected. “It’s strange that there’s not even a sign of them.”

“So could it be Seimei was mistaken?” The miko wondered.

“I think that’s probably not too likely either. She must have meant something by telling us this. Some sort of purpose.”

“The divination magic she uses has a lot of rules...” Himiko conceded. “It’s known as ‘Katatagae’. In order to avoid going in an unlucky direction, she’s brought us in a different direction to get to the same place. Perhaps that idea has something to do with this?”

“That… Made no sense.” I looked at the rest of the room’s occupants. “Raise your hand if you understood a word of that.”

Only Yoshi, Tama, and Himiko raised their hands.

“My point still stands!”

====

Getting Sei’s saké was harder than I’d like to admit.

Like, really really hard.

Mostly because we had to convince a bunch of shop owners that no, we the illegal underage kids of the group weren’t going to go drinking, yes Tama was twenty years old, no we aren’t related at all so you should probably stop asking stupid questions.

And then that guy refused to sell it to us anyways.

The prick.

But anyways, here I am, heading on over to Sei’s shop alone because the others fucking bailed on me the moment I got the bottle! And the worst part is that I was constantly on edge because if the police caught me walking around alone with a bottle a huge misunderstanding might occur!

So after several back alley ducklings I had finally managed to reach Sei’s shop.

“...I wish I had something to say here.” I declared as I opened the door. “I got your goddamn alcohol Sei!”

“Ah, it’s you!” Sei’s head popped out from behind a corner. “This speeds things up a bit. I’m already closin’ up shop.”

“Did she just switch accents?” I muttered to myself before placing the bag I had hidden the bottle in on the table. “Right anyways, thanks for making me spend the past hour skirting on the edge of the law.”

“Oh my, did you have troubles making such a simple delivery? You’re not telling me the saké from Fushimi is now illegal, are you? My delicate heart would break.” Still smiling she took the bottle. “That’s it, that’s it! I finally got it~! Yahhh, thank you so much. I’m so glad.”

I sighed before leaning on the counter. “Sei I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I am not the legal age to drink. Legally speaking, I can’t drink alcohol. Nor can I buy it, or just be seen holding it in general. The bottle isn’t illegal, I am.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, you know? People around here are rather lax.” She smiled. “But still, let me make it up to you for that. It’s a shame we can’t drink saké together yet, but what do you say about keeping me company? Even if it’s not saké, we can still drink together.”

“...A glass of cold milk.”

“Easy. Normal milk, soy milk or rice milk?”

“Normal milk.” Soy milk, bleh. And what the hell is Rice Milk? Is it that disgusting crap they serve in Japanese schools? “Now I’m just gonna go find a place to sit, I doubt we’re drinking at the counter.”

“Leave it to me. Shikigami, take this to the usual spot.” A paper doll picked up the bottle and scuttled to the back of the shop. “The porch is a much better place to drink on a day like today when the weather is so nice. You coming here must be some sort of fate.”

“Um if by Fate you mean you literally calling me here then sure.”

“Well, I still thought I might get dumped.” She said as if it wasn’t a big deal. “At times like those, I just drink all by my lonesome.”

“Poor Sei, too busy drinking the day a way to ever find a man.” I sighed exaggeratedly. “And thus the legend of the Lonely Immortal Shopkeeper continues to be told in Kyoto to this day.”

“Ara. You shouldn’t tease a lady like that, you will never find a girlfriend this way.” The blonde pouted slightly. “But I suppose I’m also a bit selfish, wanting someone who share my same interests.”

“Well the jokes on you! I was never gonna find one anyways.” My feet paused. “...Okay changing topics, interests? Like, Alcohol?”

“Fine alcohol, Onmyodo arts, an easy going life, nice sceneries, odd trinkets, medicinal arts, youkai...oh dear, dear. Now I sound like an old woman.” She giggled. “Let’s just enjoy ourselves, mh? Today’s been nothing but good, and it’s lookin’ like it’s going to be that way well into the night…”

====

So here I was, a glass of milk in my hands while an older woman was drinking saké next to me.

I stared at the glass in my hands.

“Well, here goes nothing.” Hesitantly I took a si-

Oh.

Oh gods this tastes terrible.

“Water!”

A paper doll offered me a glass of said water before I quickly grabbed the glass and downed the entire thing. The sound of a thump landed on the table before I let out a sigh in relief. “Fucking hell you call that shit milk?”

“My. Even a small dusting of aromatizing spices is too much?” Rather than being offended Sei had a thoughtful expression. “You have such a picky stomach Chen-kun.”

“...Why would you put spices in milk?!” I, I just. My eyes glanced to the shikigami. “Another glass of water please.”

“Wait.” From within one of her long sleeves Sei took out a small paper bag. Opening it revealed a pile of small reddish spheres. “Take one with the water, then try the milk again.”

“Alright?” She better not be drugging me…

I downed the water before looking at the glass of milk. Alright take two!

My hands brought the glass too my lips before I took a sip of it, and then instantly downed the rest of the glass. “Holy hell this is… It’s… Well it still tastes a little funky but that’s a problem with the milk and not a problem with me. What did you give me?”

“I am also a medic, you know?” She smiled impishly. “I heard how you have troubles eating certain types of food, so I thought about helping. The effects of each pill last a day, so be sure to take one before breakfast every day.”

“I…” That’s, this is. “I can eat?”

Excuse my entire world just got shattered allow me to restart my brain.

“Everything you want, all you want~! Except things that are bad for your health, like poison of course.”

“...Thank you?” I mumbled hesitantly. “I’m just going to change the topic before it sinks in and I start flipping out.”

“Suuure.” She sipped more of her saké, eyes closed and lips set into a pleased smirk. “Where do you think is the best place to have a drink while relaxing?”

“Who knows, I’m not big on drinking anything.” A sigh escaped my lips,.“Somewhere quiet I suppose.”

“Quiet is nice, but it needs to be good to look at. Sakura blooming is among the best, of course, but places like a wild mountain are also nice. I found that places where the time seems to slow down are the best.”

“As long as the drink is good and it’s nice and quiet I don’t really care what I drink.” A new glass arrived at the table. “I’m not really paying attention to the scenery anyways.”

“You should. If you’re paying attention to the scenery, you’re not paying attention to who you are drinking with.” She poured herself more alcohol. “People might feel neglected that way.”

“More when I drink alone, I’m talking to you now right?”

“Eh eh.” She giggled. “That’s true.”

“Speaking of talking, I should probably use this opportunity to ask about your… Onmioudie arts.” I paused. “Yes I know I butchered that name shush.”

“Onmyodo. It means ‘The Way of the Yin and Yang’.” She said. “The principle is that the world is made up of certain elements that are all linked between each other, so if you can read and predict how they interact you can do things like divining the future, or avoiding bad luck with ‘Katatagae’.”

“That… sounds like an extended form of chemistry. But with magic.” Wait a minute… “Ah you probably don’t know what chemistry is do you?”

“Uhm, maybe you’re thinking of the study of matter and its transformations? That’d be alchemy.” She nodded. “I suppose the ways to approach them are similar, but Onmyodo deals with phenomenons. Still, most Onmyōji nowadays either do fortune telling or chase away youkai, since there isn’t much need for the most esoteric arts.”

“Isn’t curiosity enough?” I asked. “I might be a bit biased since there’s no Brave at all where I come from but even if there is no need, simply wanting to know is a good enough reason in my book.”

“It’s good enough for recording, but without practical uses an important reason for learning them is lacking.” She took another sip from her glass. “And then, there are the so-called ‘forbidden arts’, like reanimating dead bodies and laying curses. Those are quite nasty. But do tell me.” She tilted her head. “If you have no knowledge of Brave where you come from, how do you use magic? Does magic even exist at all?”

“Ah, no. No it doesn’t.” How to explain this… “Things like magic, youkai, curses, etc. None of it exists back home, or at least not that I or the general populous know of. It’s all… fiction? Stories? The best way to put it is that it’s a fantasy back home, but it isn’t reality. We don’t even know if Gods exists, though considering the state of things here that question is still up for debate.”

“I would reply that a world like that is the real fiction, but that’s just the result of different perspectives.” She hummed. “But, if you put that aside, are yours and our world truly that different?”

“Well, no.” My arms shrugged. “Events, places, and even people may have changed but at the end of the day the core is still the same. Japan may be known as Zipang here but it’s still Japan, Britannia is still Britain, Taika is still China, and Nobu, Lancelot, Arthur, probably Yoshi, BenBen, and even you may all have swapped genders but you’re still Nobunaga, Lancelot, Arthur, Yoshitsune, Benkei, and Abe no Seimei. Both worlds seem different but at the end of the day they’re two sides of the same coin.”

The next moment I found Sei’s face uncomfortably close to mine. “What’s this about swapped genders?”

“Woah woah back off!” I exclaimed before coughing. “Yeah people here like Nobu, Lu, Sun, Lancelot, Arthur, and I’m pretty sure even you were men back home. Is, is there a problem?”

“And you...told them about this?”

“Well… They haven’t asked? No one’s actually asked me much about my timeline anyways.”

“...Uh uh. Uh uh uh.” Sei began to quietly laugh, one hand covering her mouth, before she snapped her fingers. Paper dolls carrying writing tools came running to our spot. “Please tell me everything you know about those alternates from your world, Chen-kun~”

“Well, I mean, first thing that comes to mind is…”

====

...Why is everyone angry at me? And why was Sei the only one who looked pleased?

“We have received India’s response to our declaration of war.” Yoshi began, her face a mask of stone. “There was no signature on it, and the content can be summed as ‘If you barbarians try to step foot in our holy nation, you will regret it’.”

“This is not dignified at all.” Nobu commented while looking at said letter. “This doesn’t sound like a challenge, this sounds like a brat trying to pick a fight.”

“Deus Vult.” I whispered under my breath. “Did they actually call it a holy city?”

“Holy nation, holy city, even the holy river...Well, the tone is that.” The pink-haired girl narrowed one eye. “What does ‘Deus Vult’ even mean?”

“It’s a history joke don’t question it- Oh right! We fought you after Kyoto!” Why was Yoshi’s look even flatter? “Anyways, they kind of make me want to never step into the city at all and just take it down from afar.”

“To make the sinners regret their wrongdoings and open themselves the gates. Truly a magnificient idea, Hakkai.” Sanzou rapped her staff, making the rings chime. “Now then, Goku, Hakkai, Gojyo: this is the beginning of my judgment! This moxa will take care of the man-eating devil Ashoka!”

“...Right.” I turned back to the table. “Does anyone know if India is allied to any other countries?”

“No. Beside Hong Kong the only countries it confines to are Macedonia in the West and a few islands in the south that have recently became an EU colony.” Tama replied.

“Well there goes that plan, time for plan B!” I declared. “This is gonna sound wrong by can we just like, throw dead bodies at them and poison the water supplies while blocking out any trading beyond their land? That’d… Well that’d take time but it’s kind of funny to think of their land as holy when it’s sick and dying.”

Nobu turned to Yoshi. “Can I do it?”

She nodded. “Go ahead.”

The pink-haired girl stood up and slowly moved close to me. I held up a hand, “Bad idea? Bad idea. Yeah you’re in the right this time.”

And then she hit me.

Hard.

“THINK BEFORE SPEAKING, YOU DAMN BRAT!!!”

I kind of deserved it, I feel terrible for even suggesting it.

===

Notes:

Chen: Whoops. That was… a mistake. I’m just gonna go sit in the corner now.

Alex: Wow man, I know that kind of things was once done...but it was most often for desperation.

Chen: Just shut up and let me apologize.