OverMaster's Little Crummy Corner of Sub-Par Writing

Kaga Ai.

One day, when she happened to run into him in the resort, and there was nobody else around, Ai began her standard frantic apologizing to him over her clumsiness, even though they hadn't really clashed and she hadn't even actually touched him.

For some reason, Negi-sensei's eternal patience cracked down just a bit that one time, and while he was still gentle and polite in his tone, he also was firm enough as he said, "Kaga-san, I know you are Japanese, but please, never apologize over anything you aren't really sorry for."

That was why, all in all, Ai didn't like Negi-sensei that much. Because he knew.

 

Put Your Hand Behind Me.

"That... That won't work, at all," Bathory said, as the newest Servant in Chaldea kept on stroking her tail with a small, yet forceful hand. "It isn't like yours, you idiot..."

Temptress, better known in life as Momo Belia Deviluke, pulled her hand back, disappointed. "Oh! What a shame, then..."

"Did I, at any point, ever imply you should stop regardless?!" the Lancer growled back at her, roughly grabbing the hand and putting it back on the tail.

 

Fantastic Fou.

"This," Da Vinci smiled, gesturing towards the impossibly complicated looking latest device, "is my latest invention! The Accelerator of Cosmic Energy! It can gather and channel the universal forces out from outer space and super charge objects and even individuals, granting them fantastic abilities far beyond those of humans or Servants. Of course, it is still in the experimental stages of--"

"Sensei, Mash, look out!" Ritsuka cried. "It's about to explode!"

"... well, it didn't take long this time!" Caster observed while she, Mash and the Master quickly rushed out of the way to safety. Someone else, however, was not as fortunate...

"FOUUUUUUU!"

---

"FOU!" Fou said, turning his upper limbs into super stretched legs that strongly walloped Avenger Jeanne across the room.

---

"FOU!" an invisible Fou's voice suddenly startled Lev, and then a massive invisible shield rammed against him, knocking him several blocks back...

---

"FOU ON!" Fou shouted, jumping up, turning his whole body into flames, and then blasting down a supernova at Alter Cu, frying him down.

"Oh my God, you've killed Cu-chan! You aren't human! You bastard!" Medb screamed, and thus this story's standard Cu Chulainn Death quotient was fulfilled.

---

"Fuu fuu fouh fouing fuuuu!" Fou proclaimed, armoring himself up with an orange rocky body and leaping onto Goetia, starting to brutally beat a bloody path through his chest...

---

"-- and that's why we really don't use Servants anymore," Ritsuka finished explaining, holding Fou before the new Director.

Gordof's face twitched just a little. "I... I see..."

 

Abuse.

"We have come," Koyanskaya said, "to collect all your assets, seize your organization, and, oh yes, execute you, over the--"

Ritsuka interrupted her, standing his ground defiantly. "Over what? Over your goals to annihilate mankind? To succeed where Goetia failed? To--"

"Actually," she said, gesturing aside, "we are here mostly on reports of extreme animal abuse and cruelty."

Ritsuka followed her pointing hand with his gaze, towards the filthy, smelly cages where they kept a stupified, drooling Fou, a badly beaten and softly sobbing Tarasque, a shaken, battle weary Lobo with old wounds all over him, a few tropical island boars, a Tamamo Cat cramped into a small cage twirling a spoon within a steaming pot, and a panda who held his cage's bars while shouting "There's been a mistake! I'm actually a man! And I don't belong here! I'm from Melty Blood...!!"

Ritsuka grumbled, "Okay, fine, but having us executed over that is still a bit..."

 

Eyes on the Prize.

"Okay," Ritsuka grimly said. "There's work to be done, no matter the risks. Let's get going."

"Yes," the Artorias said as one, nodding at the same time, and then Saber, Lily, Lancer, Lancer Alter, X, X Alter, Foreigner, Santa and Archer walked out the door.

Saber Alter was the last to exit, but just walked directly against the wall instead.

As she took a moment to wince and rub her face over the black mask covering her eyes, Ritsuka voiced a shy, "Um, you know, maybe it's time you stopped wearing that--"

"I will not hear anything on the subject," Saber Alter proudly said, finally marching out the door and then procceding to trip and fall down the stairs right outside.

 

Spiked!

"Come on, Avicebron," Ritsuka said, leading the way out of the room. "There's still a lot to do."

"Yes, Master," the Caster said, following him quickly... only to have the huge golden spikes at each side of his cape clash against the door's frame, pushing him back.

With a murmur of annoyance, Avicebron twisted around to stand left shoulder first against the doorway, and stiffly walked out that way.

---

Gilgamesh grinned widely, entering the Chaldea bar and taking off the jacket he had been wearing over his casual clothes. "Listen, Dog of Uster!" he feistily called over to the now sighing barman. "Get your best liquor ready, I have just started to party tonight! Ah ha ha ha!" he laughed, moving towards the bar after hanging the jacket up.

Twitching slightly on his chair where he'd been sipping on a glass through a straw connected to his mask, Avicebron, Gilgamesh's jacket now hanging from one of his spikes, mumbled a simple, "This is no way to spend an evening..."

---

"Aaaaaahhhh!" Nursery Rhyme laughed, kicking the ball back to Jeanne Alter Lily.

"Wheeeeeeee!" Jeanne Alter Lily giggled, kicking the ball in turn to Jack the Ripper.

"Hohoooooo!" Jack the Ripper said, kicking the ball at Nursery Rhyme...

... only to have it deflating as it landed on one of the spikes of Avicebron, who was passing by.

The male Caster, looked up from the book he had been reading, and at the deflated ball now hanging from him. "What is this?"

The three little Servants stared up with huge watery eyes, then broke into wailing. "MAMAS...! THE EVIL CASTER BLEW OUR BALL UP...!"

One moment later, Avicebron was surrounded from all sides by the irate Raikou, Boudicca, Atalanta, Altera and Blavatsky.

"What did I do?" he managed to ask right before the punishment started.

---

"-- so I just need to know, how do you manage to get by with THOSE?!" Avicebron asked, pointing up at the just as huge and sharp horns on the Assassin's helmet.

"FOOL! Whatever makes you believe it does not happen to me all the time?! It just happens that I simply behead them whenever it does!"

 

Animals.

"Mongrel!" Gilgamesh shouted, readying the Gate of Babylon.

"Monkey," Freezer smiled, just shaking a finger around and making Gilgamesh blow up.

Then he grinned, bombastically turned around, and gestured at Zarbon, who procceeded to do a drumroll with a handy set he kept at hand for such occassions.

 

My Boy.

He left with little warning, one sunny day, with a sad little smile, a hug, and a promise of returning soon.

He'd write often at first, from several points of the world, allegedly working as a contractor, and over time he'd write less and less.

Every once in a while, Rin would come by on some business or another, and I would ask her about him. She'd always say, "Oh, he's okay, I saw him just last month!" and that would put me at ease.

I only saw him once afterwards, when he dropped by without calling first, and he was huge now, tanned and white haired, and I really couldn't recognize him at all at first. He hugged me, told me fondly "You haven't changed at all, Fuji-nee!" and we spent all day laughing, drinking and reminiscing before he left again. Only when he was gone, I realized how sad he actually had looked the whole time.

The pattern repeated itself after that, in that he'd write a fair lot at first, and then not so much, and finally he didn't write at all.

I once heard he had been executed. Another time, I was told he'd died in a warzone. I heard so many stories, and Rin never confirmed any of them.

We grew old and grey and had families of our own, and that soothed the pain of the loss, somewhat. But I never could forget my little brother, my poor lost Shirou.

My boy.

 

Claim Jumping.

"So!" the Gambling King laughed, holding the contract before them. "As you can see, I'm the owner of this Dojo now...!"

"WHAAAAAAT??!" Akane, Soun and Ranma yelled at the same time.

"Um, actually, no," Nabiki pointed out. "Ranma will only come to inherit the Dojo once he has married Akane and Dad has passed away or signed the inheritance off to him. In the meanwhile, the Dojo is still Dad's..."

The King seemed to take this with an air of profund bafflement, and pulled back while humming loudly, stroking his curly beard. At last, he brightened, held a finger up, reached into a sleeve, and threw a razor sharp card towards Soun's throat.

"YIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Soun shrieked as, a picosecond later, Ranma clapped the card in the air, stopping it milimeters away from the older man's Adam's Apple.

Ranma clenched his teeth and snarled viciously at King, a thin line of blood trickling from his joined hands.

The gambler huffed petulantly, holding a confused and blinking Akane, suddenly stuffed into bridal attire, by his side. "You obviously aren't understanding how these things are supposed to be working, boy..."

Then, from behind, a long black ribbon wrapped itself around his neck and pulled back, at the same time a Chuí dropped down onto his head and several small sharp spatulas were flung into his back.

 

Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

Rider.

In the Eyes of a Ranger, the unsuspecting stranger
Had better know the truth of wrong from right.
'Cause the rule of law and order starts at the Texas border,
With the Lone Star of the Ranger shining bright.

Saber and Lancer stopped their duel when this strange song began sounding out of nowhere and everywhere, looking in the general direction of a man strolling confidently out of the shadows, followed by a meek young man with short black hair. The other man was tall, well muscled and red haired, past his prime years but still standing strong and vital, with a shade of a few days with no shaving, and a slight smile on his lips. He wore blue jeans over a red shirt and long, open yellow coat, and a cowboy hat on his head.

'Cause the Eyes of a Ranger are upon you;
Any wrong you do, he's gonna see.
When you're in Fuyuki, look behind you,
Cause that's where the Ranger's gonna be.

"I'm Servant Rider," the man said, and even the Archer, watching from above, felt a sudden chill running up his spine, under the shiny gold armor.

In the Heart of a Ranger, he'll never know the danger
From desperate men with nothing left to lose.
The Ranger keeps on coming; so there ain't no sense in running,
'Cause he's bound and sure to make you pay your dues.

Since Saber, Lancer and Archer were not insane, they gave up. Since Caster and Berserker were insane, they were spin-kicked in the face. Something happened to Assassin, whatever, who cares. The corrupted Grail was dealt with when Rider ripped his shirt off and manhandled it while easily shrugging the black mud off. When Waver went back to Clock Tower, the other Magi were spin-kicked in the face too just on general principle.

When a Ranger's on your trail, he won't know how to fail
And you can't buy him off at any price.
So if you decide to ramble, and with your life you'd gamble,
Know where you are before you roll the dice.

 

The Last Master.

The Greater Grail had been dismantled, and peace had returned to the city at last.

And so, a man with long black hair could finally go up that hill overlooking Fuyuki, crouch down on the grass, and start setting up the candles for the fallen.

He set a candle for the man whose legacy he had inherited, for despite all his many flaws, now he could understand him better.

He set a candle for the doomed puppet of an ancient evil, who died without ever having his love returned.

He set a candle for the demented dog who would flood the streets with the blood of the innocent, for even the worst have to be remembered, lest we fail to learn from their misdeeds.

He set a candle for the proud and rich owner of the land who ended up losing everything.

He set a candle for the broken man of the grand dreams who had brought ruin upon his own family for their sake.

He set a candle for the foolish child twisted by his family's evil.

He set a candle for the obscure man who had failed to achieve anything at all, because of his own hubris and shortsightedness.

He set a candle for the jaded man of the dead eyes who gave everything for his love.

He set a candle for the tiny woman who never could mature because of others' choices.

He set a candle for the one who was backstabbed by that she trusted the most.

He set a candle for the perverse thing that had once been a human being.

He set a candle for the man who never could find solace in anything but that he had been taught to hate.

He set a candle for the young man who burned his life off for an ideal.

He set a candle for the loving girl who kept on waiting to the end for someone who never came back.

He set a candle for the brave young woman who fought along him to bring the nightmare to a definite end, and paid the price for it.

He sat down on the ground and paid his tributes in the necessary silence.

Finally, a younger man with much lighter hair came up the hill, smiling. "Aren't you done yet, Professor?"

He sighed, getting up as the wind blew the candles off. "Yes, I am now. Let's head back, boy. We have finished here."

Waver Velvet and Flat Escardos began the long way home.

 

Disappointment.

Peter Parker finished watching the first episode of Goblin Slayer, then turned the television off.

"This wasn't what I was expecting for," he quietly said to himself.

 

For your Sake.

"Awwww, you've been so sweet, all day long, to me, Mistah J...!" Harley Quinn sighed, as the two of them made their merry way through the park filled with grinning bodies. "I wish you never took that hat off...!"

Squatting behind the thick bushes by a side of their path, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow and the Ventriloquist and Scarface all looked down at the Mad Hatter.

"I think," Croc said, "she suspects already."

Hatter sniffed haughtily, keeping his nose upturned and the remote in his hands. "As long as she's still happy, what difference does that make?"

 

Assassin and Assassin Go to the Movies!

Cursed Arm Hassan began to laugh as the alien burst from Kane's chest.

Kojiro frowned. "Okay. Next time, we are watching a samurai drama."

 

The Secret Origin of Lurch.

"Well, Batman, I have got to hand it to you," District Attorney Janet Van Dorn acknowledged dryly, taking her large round glasses off. "It was thanks to you that we got Mr. Grundy's testimony to put Valestra and Thorne behind bars, at last..."

"Dhhhrrrr..." the pale skinned hulking man in the black suit said.

Van Dorn turned back from the Dark Knight standing at her office to nod at the behemoth. "Yes, of course we will fulfill the terms of our agreement with you. You will be placed under a new identity elsewhere, in a most safe place where nobody will ever think of or dare going after you..."

"Rrrrhhhr..." Grundy nodded, perhaps satisfied.

---

Gomez Addams smiled, taking the cigar out of his mouth and fondly patting the thick arm of the giant in a suit standing by his side, before his family. "Addams, meet Lurch! Our new butler, fresh from Gotham City!"

Wednesday's cold, dead eyes briefly lit up with a shine of fascinated interest. "Gotham..."

"Rrrrrrrr..." Lurch said.

And they lived happily ever after. Sort of.

 

Faith.

One day, the Joker simply stopped killing.

He stopped robbing banks.

He stopped escaping Arkham altogether.

Batman couldn't believe it at first, naturally, so he kept a close eye on him whenever he could, busy as he was.

When dragging the latest escapee back to the asylum, he'd pass by the clown's cell, ask, "What are you planning now?" and would always be answered, "Nothiiiiiiiing."

There never was any explanation of why he stopped. But as the months became years, it grew more and more obvious this wouldn't change anytime soon. When Arkham released Joker on good behavior, deeming him cured, Batman knew he'd now strike for sure, but he never did. When, some few added years later, he disappeared without a trace after some time in well watched anonimity and poverty, Batman thought, again, this would be his big reappearance, but, again, nothing happened. Even more years passed, and Bruce Wayne grew too old and tired, and passed the mantle in a peace he never thought would ever arrive. He married and spent his twilight years in relative bliss with his family, watching over the new generation of crimefighters, and the Joker was just a faded memory now.

Until that morning, when he entered his dinning room on old tired legs, and gasped in horror at the collection of grinning corpses that were his loved ones now, stiffly sitting all around the large table, with a feeble, frail, pale old grinning man waving at him with the hand not supported on a cane.

The Joker wheezed happily, letting a shaky greeting out. "Gotchaaaa! You know how humor is! The best of punchlines need a long wait for the surprise delivery!"

Wayne, oddly, even through the horror, even through the disgust, even through the burning hatred hurting his heart, had to ask, had to know. "What..." he gargled, advancing slowly on him, ready for the final act. "What would have you done, if anyone else had killed me first...?"

"Oh, no, no, no, no. I... I knew that wouldn't happen. I always had the utmost faith on you."

And this had been, in return, his apotheosis.

 

I Have Issues.

God sat at his computer, and despaired.

"Why do I even do this thing...?" God wondered.

"What have I gained from it?" he asked himself. "Where has it taken me? Has any of this been worth it?"

God looked at his creation, and saw a vast stretch of unfulfilled promises, of half realized dreams, of efforts that had sputtered and flailed into a myriad different paths, all of them just as unsuccessful.

"How many others things," he pondered, "could I have done instead, with this time that will never come back now?"

The gut ache hit God again, for he was old and grew tired and weary now, and he wanted to just rest so much, but rest would only increase his suffering further, for it brought the realization of his many failures to achieve anything.

"I don't know..." he said. "I'm not sure I can keep going anymore..."

Starting over all over again was not even an option anymore, either.

"I'm such a pitiful, disgusting farce for a God..."

Once again, he only could get up from the chair and walk away, melding back into the gray misery where, once again, he was the furthest thing apart from God one could imagine.

Within the realm God had created, Negi, Chisame, and all the others sat and waited, holding hands in silence.

 

A Preview of Disney's Live Action Aladdin.

The Genie kept on chatting amiably. "Okay, rule number one: I can't kill anybody!" He then chopped his own head off, picked it up, and attached it back to his neck. "So don't ask! Rule number two! I can't make anybody fall in love with anybody else!" He briefly shapeshifted into a beautiful young woman and leaned coquettishly on Aladdin, only to lightly slap him while giggling. "Oh, you politically incorrect rascal, you! Rule number three! I can't bring people back from the dead..." He said this while briefly changing into a shambling, rotting walking corpse, stiffly moving back and forth across the cave. "It's not a pretty picture. I DON'T LIKE DOING IT!!! Other than that, you got it!" he grinned, changing back to normal and snapping his fingers.

"Okay, then..." Aladdin rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I know! Can you make a talented actor out of Jaden Smith?"

The Genie lost his wide smile and, as a matter of fact, began to frown very, very deeply. "... no. No, I can't do that either," he said in a gruff growl.

 

Isekai.

The black haired, short, slim young man smiled to himself, then threw a fist up into the air.

"Yatta!" he shouted. "I've just been transported to a mystical RPG fantasy world! Now not only I'll never see my bothersome parents again, but I'll use my superior modern knowledge to impress everyone, gather a harem, and make myself a king! Nippon Banzai!" he giggled to himself, drawing blank stares from the passerbys, who could not understand a single word of what he was saying.

By the same time the next day, his bones, picked clean, were scattered across the side of that very same road.

 

Kicked to the Side.

Enkidu, Little John, Robin, Iolaus, Tonto, Launchpad, Krillin, Inugami Kotaro, Doctor Watson, Baba Looey, Bucky, Morocco Mole and the Green Hornet all sat in a bar, drinking in a miserable silence.

Finally, the Green Hornet lifted his gaze from his glass and glanced through the window, towards the much bigger bar next door. "You know," he drawled, "I should be th' one there right now, not him...!"

 

That Guy...

Eel O' Brien and Ralph Dibny were, all in all, two of the nicest guys you could find in the superhero business, even if O' Brien often could come off as overbearingly clownish and loud. Regardless, they had two of the biggest hearts in the superhero community, and that was before they started stretching them. However, they hated each other.

There was no helping it. For O' Brien, Dibny was a dull, stick in the mud bore of a man always craving for attention by showing off how smart he was. Also, weak. For Dibny, O' Brien was an obnoxious, unbearable jerk always craving for attention by showing off how irreverent and sarcastic he was (much like Deadpool, at that.) Also, a moron.

There was one thing that never failed to bring them together, though.

"Man. That Reed Richards, he's such a butthole..."

"Yeah. Yeah, he sure is..."

They liked Grimm, however, but then again, everyone in the business loved Grimm...

 

Tales of the Unequally Sailor Senshi.

---

Friends.

Sailor Moon's eyes widened, and she whipped her head aside to look, appalled, at Sailor Uranus and Neptune. "I knew it! Leading us here... you meant to set a trap for us the whole time!"

They had been brought into some sort of secret watering hole for the worst of the worst of the international supervillain community, a huge, seedy bar filled with all sorts of unsavory types, most of them in stupidly ridiculous outfits but gazing at the Sailor Senshi with inhuman, venom filled eyes that made them look anything but silly.

As Mars, Venus and Jupiter readied themselves to fight the assembled super criminals gathered all around them, an undaunted Sailor Uranus stepped ahead, cleared her throat, and loudly said, "Now listen, everyone! We brought these gals here, so you could... see they're with us now! We're buddies, see?!" Saying this, she violently wrapped an arm around Akira and pulled her tightly against herself, grinning from ear to ear while Sailor Mercury blushed. "We're best pals, partners in... well, not crime, but what we do when we ain't pulling crimes! Novias! They're going to stick to fighting magical fairy and demon-type threats from beyond that would screw us all, we don't go after no costumed brothers or sisters, so we want you to keep them apart from the usual sets of supersap grudges, alright!? Am I right or what, Red?!" she turned her grin to Ivy now.

Sailor Neptune rolled her eyes back. "Whatever. What Harley says, guys..."

The assembled supervillains stared on for several tense, silent moments, before King Shark threw a muscular arm up, claw balled into a fist. "WELCOME, HARLEY'S FRIENDS!" he roared.

"WELCOME, HARLEY'S FRIENDS...!" was the ensuing echo of dozens of sinister thunderous voices.

Usagi, Minako, Shiho, Mayu and Hotaru only could blink dazedly while Ritsuko facepalmed and muttered under her breath.

---

"-- and they just let you go like that?!" a bewildered Ako asked as Yuuna and Makie gasped.

"Well, not exactly, they threw us a party first," Akira explained. "Most of them actually were quite nice, sort of. Captain Boomerang tried to flirt with me, but Captain Cold was a gentleman and kept him away. He even told me I reminded him of his sister."

"I think I understand now why Quinn's the only henchperson the Joker's never killed," Shiho groaned. "He must know the day he does it, that's the day they hang his body in that stinking bar..."

 

Who’s Mayu? I recognize the others.

 

Exes.

"Ah! It's you!" Harley gasped loudly, whipping her head back from the Bank executive she had been harassing wackily and towards the large hole just blown up in the bank's wall, and the gang entering through it.

"Oh. It's you," the Joker deadpanned.

"I knew it!" Harley pointed at him. "You're here to pull me back to you, aren't you?! Because you chauvinistic patriarchal pig are always out to mark me as your property, but it won't work because now I'm an empowered anti-heroine who is a badass in her own right and has a best selling book with spinoffs and everything and also stars in the Suicide Squad as if I were Wolverine in the nineties and I'm so tough now I'm going to punch you and kick you in the balls! Again!"

"Uh, actually, I'm here just to rob the bank," the Joker dryly said, casually shooting the bank executive through the head while his men blew the safes up.

Harley kept rambling on, undeterred. "Yeah, that's what your filthy lies would like to make me believe, but I know better because I'm wise to you and that's why I don't need you anymore and just so you know since I left you I have my own quirky and highly diverse supporting cast and my own Coney Island empire and I slept with Nightwing and Ivy and Lobo and Deadshot and I have this wonderful new boyfriend named Red Tool who is so like this much more successful than you snappy jokey killer and I'll kick you in the balls now, again..."

"I'm just going to rob the damn bank," Joker sighed, pulling money into a large bag as his men readied the escape truck.

"Well, I wasn't going to, I was just going to open an account with all the honest money I've earned from my successful movies and upcoming animated series where I'll kick you in the balls because I don't need you anymore, and I was just having a very fine routine comedy with this gentleman that was much more hilarious than anything you ever could pull off, and I'm not a villain anymore no matter how much I hang out with other villains with more balls to kick than you and I'm a real anti-heroine with real cred and I even could join the Justice League if I wanted to and I take rides in the Batmobile all the time and--"

"You haven't stopped us from just killing everyone in the bank," Joker blandly pointed out, getting behind the truck's driving wheel and tightening his seatbelt.

"Shut up! Don't lecture me on how to do my badass anti-heroine job, you manipulative fiend I'm through with! I've got to lecture you first! And then I'll kick you in the balls and--- Wait, where are you going?! I haven't kicked you in the balls-- again-- yet!"

The Joker rolled his eyes. "Harley. Get over it already," he adviced, and then drove away.

Harley huffed indignantly. "Well, that showed him up!" she told all the gassed, grinning dead bodies all across the bank. "He's terrified of me now, see?!"

There was a beat.

"Still, I think I'll choose another bank. No offense, but this one has awful security..."

 

Sweet Mercy.

"Don't worry, Luthor!" Superman said, holding the Phantom Zone projector before his defeated foe. "I won't kill you! To spare your tormented soul from Hell, I'll just send you to a horrible unescapable dimension of constant suffering surrounded by other screaming damned!"

Luthor frowned at him.

Superman sighed. "Okay, okay, fine, have it your way then," he said, and snapped Luthor's neck.