[RWBY] RWBY Shorts

[dragon_cloud16]

How's this for a idea for a bit of Dragonslayer.

Jaune was often times stuck in bed from being so sickly. The only people he could talk to was his family at least until his mother signs him up for a penpal program. And he suddenly finds himself having to write letters to a Yang Xiao Long. Who surprisingly writes him back, to the point that they are pretty much their only friends that can be completely honest and blunt with each other.

Years go by, with Yang keeping up the habit of writting to Jaune who accepts and consoles her over everything that she had to do to support her little sister, father, and uncle. And Yang understands and supports him as he laments his denied chance to become a huntsman, his time spent studying medicine, and his slowly recovering/improving body. They send pictures rarely, and think that the other is cute.

Cue their arrival at Beacon, where Yang gets her boots thrown up on by Jaune. Although she is a bit more mature about it, even saying her best friend has motion sickness. It wouldn't be until she is passing by his locker, right when Pyrrha and Weiss are standing by it that she learns the guy that threw up on her boots was HER Jaune.

HER Jaune that didn't have a unlocked aura, didn't get combat training, and was often stuck in bed as a kid...

She tries to get his attention and instead gets partnered up with him during orientation. Leaving Weiss and Pyrrha to team up, Ren and Ruby, and Nora with Blake. She unlocks him aura damn near the next moment she gets even as she chews him out. But it isn't out of fear for him but because she cares for him.

And now the butterfly effect is fully in the air. How will Weiss and Pyrrha react to the sight of Yang literally pushing her bed against Jaune's to sleep with him on cold nights? How will Weiss react to Yang and Jaune being quite friendly and not as rambunctious since she doesn't have to push herself forward for Ruby' s sake?

How long until Nora breaks Blake's legs for getting into trouble and dragging her Renny into it?

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Yang and Jaune rushed into the common room and changed the channel. They then sat down on the couch. Weiss and Blake scowled at them.

Weiss: "I was watching the news!"

Blake: "So was I!"

Yang: "What are you, sixty? ValeWatch is on!"

Weiss: "You're watching... Valewatch. The show about barely clad lifeguards who are also Hunters? Why?"

Yang: "Because it's trashy and terrible and hilarious!"

Jaune: "Totally!"

Nora: pops in "YEAH!"

Ren: "I believe the term is 'so bad it's good.'"

Blake: groans "There are literally dozens of better television series to watch than this trash."

Jaune: "Yeah, and I like those. But we also like this."

Yang: "Totally! Don't be so salty, Weiss! You'll sea the appeal!"

Weiss: "Uggggh... Wait, Ruby? Why are you watching?!"

Ruby: "I mean I don't really care about the acting or the drama or anything else... But I love the hardware! All the product placement of Winchester Armaments and Nachfolger Autocannons! It's so blatant but the gear is soooo cool!"

Yang: "And the hot studs don't hurt, either."

Ruby: bright red "YAAAANNNG!"

Yang: "What? I'm glad! I was afraid you'd end up with Crescent Rose as your boyfriend!"

Ruby: "That's sick and weird, Yang! He's my son!"

Pyrrha: sighs "Oh no... This show..."

Jaune: "Come on Pyr, it's great fun! Why are you so-?"

The opening credits reveal Pyrrha... In a tight red swimsuit... With her weapons... Jogging towards the camera on the beach. With 'And starring Pyrrha Nikos as Diana Prince.'

Jaune: "... Oh... Wow."

Yang: "HAHAHA! Seriously Cereal Girl?!"

Weiss: "What?!"

Pyrrha: bright red "It-It was for one season! My agent made me star on it! It was terrible!"

Jaune: "How bad could it be?"

One hour of thoroughly terrible television later...

Weiss: "... Let me get this straight. Diamond smugglers used a rocket powered surfboard to smuggle their stolen goods... And then it got eaten by a killer octopus... While terrorists held everyone in an airship that was about to explode... While Rich Masterson, aka Dave Hoff, had to give a charity concert?"

Blake: "... I have read fanfics that made more sense than this."

Yang: "And written them. But that's the charm! Also, damn Cereal Girl! You did take acting lessons, right?"

Pyrrha: moans, face in her hands "I tried. I really did... I was just so nervous..."

Jaune: "Well, um... For what it's worth, I thought you did a good job as a villainous femme fatale... At least when you weren't speaking."

Pyrrha: "R-Really?" brightens

Jaune: "Yeah! Also... Hahahahaha! Oh man... That guy cast the opposite of you was so dense! His character can't tell your character was into him?! What a numbskull! There's nobody that dense in real life!"

Pyrrha: "Ha... Haha... Y-Yes..."

Nora: "I liked the explosions! Though I think they just reused them from the last season!"

Yang: "Yeah, those were dope. Crazy part? This isn't even the first time they had a terrorist plot with diamond smuggling and a giant killer octopus."

Jaune: "Oh man, and that alien abduction episode? What was that about?"

Yang: "I know right?!"

Weiss: "Ruby... Please tell me you did not enjoy that travesty."

Ruby: "Did you see those rescue airships?! The latest Wayland Tigertails! Ooh, I think they got the upgraded IFF sensor nodes, too!"

Weiss: "... I'm the only sane one here, aren't I?"

Blake: "Ha. Please."

Yang: "So... You don't want to watch more?"

Weiss: "..." sighs "Fine."

Yang and Jaune: "WOO!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Blake: "What's next? Lifeguards fighting samurai? Or ninjas? Or ninja samurai?!"

Jaune: "Actually, they already had episodes with samurai. And ninja. And ninja samurai."

Blake: "Wait. What."

Yang: "Yeah! Dave Hoff put away a Fuujin crimelord and when he gets out of jail, he comes after Dave to try and kill him and his family! With his team of ninjas!"

Weiss: "... How did a lifeguard put a Fuujin crimelord in jail?"

Yang: "Those kinds of questions don't matter when it comes to Valewatch."

Jaune: "Honestly, asking any more questions than necessary kind of defeats the point of watching it."

Blake: "So... Don't think about it?"

Yang: "Nope!"

Jaune: "Not too hard, or you'll give yourself a stroke."

Weiss: "And so much is explained about you two blond bimbos."

Yang and Jaune: "Hey!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Once again, our heroes are tuning in for another episode of ValeWatch. Even Weiss has gotten into making fun of the stupid show.

Weiss: "Vikings... Frozen Vikings from Solitas. They were in an ice berg, unfroze, and attacked the city."

Yang: laughing her ass off

Jaune: ditto

Ruby: "Ugh... Those axes and swords are all wrong! They're modern Dust refined steel, not forged!"

Nora: "I know right?! My enjoyment of this episode is severely impaired!"

Ren: "More caramel popcorn?"

Nora: "Thanks Renny! I am appeased!"

Weiss: groans "Well at least Pyrrha is in the episode to-"

Pyrrha on screen: "Hey you! Stop that! You Vikings! Are! So bad! I will defeat you!"

Weiss: Stares at Pyrrha "... How many acting classes did you take again?"

Pyrrha: blush "I was nervous!"

Jaune: "Still, this is a great fight scene. You're the best at those, Pyr!"

Pyrrha: "I-Oh, w-well, thank you!"

Yang: "Hmph. I could do better fight scenes..."

Jaune: "Huh?"

Yang: louder "Yeah, that was basically the only saving grace of this show: Cool fight scenes, hot guys and girls, and total insanity."

Weiss: "Wait, was? It was cancelled?!"

Jaune: "Yeah. I'm guessing they brought Pyr on as a desperate hail mary?"

Pyrrha: "Unfortunately, yes. Then they made a spin off set in Menagerie and um... Well that lasted four episodes before being canceled."

Ruby: "I heard the producer got thrown out of a window in his office building."

Stares

Ruby: "He was fine after!"

Nora: "Oh good! That's what I was worried about!"

Yang: "So, you've gotta have all kinds of dirt from behind the scenes, Cereal Girl-Right?"

Pyrrha: "Oh, well... Not really. Mister Hoff was actually very nice. He tried to help me with acting and even gave me advice for a singing career... Which um... I didn't go for. Not fully."

Jaune: "I bet you sing great!"

Pyrrha: bright red "Th-Thank you!"

Yang: scowls "I also sing, ya know."

Jaune: "Oh, I'm sorry Yang. I'd love to hear you sing too!"

Weiss: "I am literally a professional singer!"

Jaune: blinks "But I've already heard you sing, Weiss."

Weiss: "Hmph!"

Jaune: ... Women.

Jaune: "Anyway! Next episode!"

Weiss: "Please tell me this isn't as crazy as the last one?"

Yang: "It totally isn't! In fact, Blake? Stop reading your smut fics and watch with us! I think you'll find it hilarious!"

Blake: "I somehow doubt it."

They watch... And...

Blake: "... Let me get this straight. The Straw Feminist and Faunus Rights Activist who died an episode ago... Is reincarnated as a dog."

Yang: "Eeyup!"

Jaune: "Totally!"

Blake: "... And this episode's writer's other credits include?"

Jaune: "Mostly 'World's Blankiest Blank' kind of stuff."

Blake: "Well, at least they're consistent."

Weiss: smirk "Oh, I am just loving this~."

Blake: "You would, racist!"

Weiss: "Brat!"

Blake: "Sow!"

Weiss: "Hypocrite!"

Jaune: sighs as Weiss and Blake argue "Maybe this was a bad idea."

Yang: "At least it wasn't the Cat People Episode. We'd never hear the end of it."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Sage Ayana has the Semblance of Psychometry.

Sage: "Jaune. May I examine your sword?"

Jaune: "Hm? Oh, sure."

Sage: "I like to try my Semblance on older weapons, and since yours is the oldest one here, I think it would be a unique experience."

Jaune: "Er... Sure."

Sage touches Crocea Mors. His Semblance activates and he hums thoughtfully.

Sage: "... Huh. Shirou, your great-grandfather, killed a LOT of soldiers with this."

Jaune: "Oh yeah. A lot."

Sage: "So did your great-great grandfather. And a lot of Grimm."

Jaune: "Uh huh...?"

Sage: "On many battlefields. Impressive... I am seeing the Battles of Camelot, Camlenn, Argus, the siege of Mantle..."

Jaune: "That's incredible!"

Sage: "... Your Nana was quite attractive. Like, REALLY attractive. How were those things real? Wow, she was just the hottest-"

Jaune: takes his sword back "Okay, that's enough of that."

Sage: clears his throat "Sorry about that."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

The Beacon Academy JNPR common room was a lively mess, with snack wrappers and open books strewn across the table, the late evening light filtering through the windows. Team SSSN and Jaune Arc sprawled across the couches, the air thick with banter and the faint hum of Aura from their earlier training. Jaune, in his black hoodie and white armor, leaned back, his blonde hair slightly mussed.

"It is nice to train with guys once in a while," Jaune observed.

"And Neptune," Scarlet snarked, cleaning his sword.

"Haha," Neptune huffed, working on his goggles.

"No problem, Jaune!" Sun grinned. "Any friend of Blake's is a friend of ours!"

"More or less," Sage observed. At Jaune's stare, Sage blinked. "That was a joke."

"Oh," Jaune mumbled, thinking of Ren. He wondered if he and Sage met in secret to work on being deadpan together.

"Woah! Who is the babe?!"

Jaune looked over at Neptune, who was holding up a framed picture of Jaune's family. Jaune scowled.

"That's my mom," Jaune growled.

"She's like the ultimate MILF!" Neptune crowed, "Hot Damn!"

"Neptune, answer me honestly," Jaune said, his voice teasing but sharp. "How would you personally feel if I was enjoying the view of your mother?"

Neptune, his blue hair catching the light, froze, his goggles slipping from his fingers. His voice was flat, defensive. "My mom's not a babe."

Jaune's eyebrow arched, his grin widening.

"What if she was one at our age?"

Neptune's eyes narrowed, his eyebrow twitching irritably. "Then she's not my mom, is she?"

Sun Wukong, lounging nearby, his tail swishing lazily, chimed in, his voice dripping with amusement.

"Dude, I know I'm a little late on the upkeep, but before you dig yourself deeper, I gotta let ya know something. A while back, I was walking in the park and saw Jaune helping a bunch of little kids get their ball back from a tree. The look their moms gave him afterward? Like they were starving and he was a plate of prime rib. So, I'm just saying… there's a good chance he seduces your mom outright."

Neptune's jaw dropped, his voice a yelp. "He would not!"

Scarlet's grin turned wicked, his eyes glinting. "He has Professor Goodwitch's Scroll number."

"HE WHAT?!" Neptune squawked, his face reddening.

Jaune waved his hands, his voice flustered.

"It's just because she's tutoring me, and I'm working as a teaching assistant!"

Sun leaned forward, undeterred, his voice sly.

"You also have the number for Blake's mom! Don't deny it, I saw the caller I.D. yesterday!"

Jaune's blush deepened, his voice defensive. "Well, I'm trying to help Blake reconnect with her parents!"

Neptune's eyes bulged, his voice a shout.

"Why are you doing that?!"

"She asked me to?" Jaune said, his tone bewildered, his hands raised.

Scarlet, perched on the armrest, smirked. Jaune prayed he wouldn't stoke the flames any further... But his prayers were not answered.

"What about that white-haired woman who kept saying she was Weiss's mom?"

Jaune groaned, rubbing his neck. "She was friends with my parents!"

Sage Ayana crossed his arms, his green hair catching the light, his voice calm but pointed.

"What about that strange raven-haired woman who looked like an older version of Yang and tried to throttle you last week?"

Jaune's face darkened, his voice sharp.

"That's Yang's mom. She's a bitch. My mom tried to make her come home and apologize to Yang for abandoning her."

Sun placed a hand on Neptune's shoulder, his voice mock-solemn.

"Still, dude, you're four for four on moms right now. I'm sorry, man, he'll seduce your mom. It's inevitable at this point."

Neptune's face was now a brilliant shade of red, his voice a strangled growl. Jaune flailed, his voice desperate. "No, no, no! My parents are trying to make Raven apologize to Yang! I don't—She's not hot!"

Sage's eyebrow arched, his voice dry. "She's a near one-to-one copy of Yang. Are you saying Yang's not hot?"

Jaune's eyes widened, his voice a frantic scramble.

"Physically, yes! But she abandoned her entire family and is a bandit! She's terrible! That kills any arousal at all."

"Then why is she following you around?" Neptune demanded. Jaune shrugged helplessly.

"I have no idea!"

Neptune was turning red at this moment, huffing like an angry bull.

"And anyway, it doesn't matter! I haven't met Neptune's mom!" Jaune added.

Sage held up his Scroll and projected an image of a very attractive older woman in a suit with a skirt with long blue hair. Jaune stared, and blushed.

"Oh... Wow... She's uh... I-I mean she looks... Nice?"

"And she's coming for the Vytal Festival," Sun grinned.

Scarlet placed a hand on Neptune's other shoulder, his voice teasing. "Tsk, tsk, sorry, Nep. Looks like Jaune's gonna seduce your mom."

Neptune's control snapped, his voice a roar. "YOU BASTARD!"

He launched himself at Jaune, hands aiming for his throat.

"HURK!" Jaune gasped, stumbling back as Neptune tackled him, the two crashing into the couch.

Sun cackled, leaning back, while Scarlet snorted, his voice dry. "Why exactly did we do this?"

Sage shook his head, his voice calm but amused. "It means he's now one of us."

"Having Neptune freak out and try to strangle us?" Scarlet asked.

Sun nodded.

"Totally! We all went through that!"

Scarlet hummed and shrugged as Jaune yelped in desperation.

"Fair enough."

- - -

There you go, no Jaune harem antics. Just Neptune freaking out and losing his control and Team SSSN being trolls.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

With how I write Team SSSN, Sun being a bit like Abridged!Son Goku, and Sage, Scarlet, and Neptune being like Piccolo, Tien and Yamcha respectively, it amuses me to no end to write Neptune as a spazz behind his front of being a cool, confident playboy. Oh sure he's perfectly competent in a fight but his desperate need to look cool is his downfall.

And he seems most likely of SSSN to have had incidents where he lost his temper and strangled one of his teammates. Here's how it went with Sun!

After a training session gone wrong, Sun was caught in an explosion. His team rushes him to a Bullhead as they evacuate back to Haven.

Neptune: "Sun! Buddy?! Can you speak to me?! What's wrong?!"

Sun: "Ohhhh... Ohhh... The pain, the painnnnn...!"

Neptune: "Where does it hurt?! WHERE?!"

Sun: "I'm sooo... Sooo...!"

Neptune: "So what?! WHAT?!"

Sun: "Hungry! We missed lunch for this training session and I didn't pack any snacks!"

Neptune: "YOU STUPID MONKEY BASTARD!" Strangles him

Sun: "HURK!"

Sage: "I feel like we should stop this."

Scarlet: "Nah. Sun'll be fine. He said so himself."

Sage: "Huh. Fair enough."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Of course I was tempted to go even sillier with the Arc Clan. Even more ridiculous.

All was lost. Salem loomed over them, a terrifying specter of death. Even Blake and Yang's incredible lesbian love couldn't defeat her... So they broke up immediately after. Sun helped Blake get over things real quick.

Blake: "Comfort me with your abs, Sun!"

Sun: "Okay!"

Weiss: "If we're dying, I'm going out having sex with the love of my life! Jaune! I mean you could grow a beard but otherwise you're perfect!"

Yang: "LIKE HELL! I'M the blonde bombshell! I'm getting with the hero!"

Ruby: "ME! I COMMITTED SUICIDE!"

Weiss: "YOU GOT BETTER!"

Glynda: "Great... We die as we live... As gigantic idiots."

Jaune: *sighs* "Yeah..."

Oscar: "Sorry guys. I guess... We finally ran out of time."

Nora: "Amazing how you began to suck so hard at saving the world just now, huh?"

Ren: "Uncanny. Anyway Nora, I love you. I'm sorry I was stupid."

Nora: "I was stupider! I took romantic advice from Blake!"

Blake: "HEY!"

Jaune: Is being fought over by three girls "... Somehow this isn't how I thought it would end."

Cinder: "You could always join me, Jaune~! We've always had a spark, you know! I killed your girlfriend for you!"

Jaune: "Get fucked, one-eye."

Cinder: "Oooh, I'll use the whip and candle wax for that~!"

Salem: "Mwahahahaha... You will all join me in death soon enough-!"

Isabel: "JAUNE. MILES. ARC!"

Jaune: "M-Mom?!"

Isabel Arc stalks up, cracking the ground with every step. Salem looks affronted.

Salem: "Excuse me, we're having a final battle for the fate of the world. I'll kill you when it's your turn-"

Isabel does an offhand backhand that would make Batman envious, knocking Salem right off her feet and into the nearby mountain, making it collapse on top of her.

All: "... What."

Isabel: "Why haven't you called in two years?!"

Jaune: "The CCTnet was down-"

Isabel: "YOUR SISTER SENT LETTERS! WHY COULDN'T YOU?!" She hugged him tightly "MY BABY BOY! WHY MUST YOU MAKE YOUR MOTHER WORRY SO?!"

Jaune: "MMPH!"

Salem bursts out of the mountain and stomps back.

Salem: "First: What, and second: THE FUCK?!"

Isabel: "EXCUSE ME!" Punches Salem back into the rubble of the mountain "I AM HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH MY SON! WAIT YOUR DAMN TURN!"

Salem: "... Yes ma'am."

Cinder: "... New Mistress! Hello Mother Arc! I'm your son's fiance!"

Jaune: "LIKE HELL SHE IS!"

Ruby: "YEAH! I AM!"

Weiss: "THE HELL YOU ARE!"

Yang: "I CALL HIM!"

A brawl ensues.

Blake: "... You know, I'm kind of glad not to be the harem protagonist anymore. Way too much pressure."

Sun: "Yeah, and there really wasn't much to your character in the last few volumes."

Blake: "What?"

Sun: "I mean I love you, sweetie!"

Blake: "Aw..."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Phillip Graves walked into the office in Vale's government building that his niece was using. Honestly, he was proud of her: The troops she had stationed around the area were all sharp and eyeing him with suspicion, and were in regular uniform rather than the elaborate dress uniforms Varnholt had insisted upon with tall fuzzy green hats and ridiculous gloves.

He stepped in, scanning the interior. His niece was just where he thought she'd be: Standing in the middle of several holowindows and plots, dictating orders, while Visha stood at her side, ever faithful and supportive.

"Rip those older security systems out, pay the local electricians double if you have to," Tangy snapped, "We are NOT running the Vytal Festival with this mess of a security system! Especially not in that sector!"

"Yes ma'am!" Said the man in the window-Weiss, Graves believed. Tangy turned to another holowindow.

"Colonel, we're still dealing with Grimm infestations at Fort Celliwig," the man (Grantz he believed), "We can't pull any more troops from other bases to supplement their numbers."

Tangy frowned and nodded.

"All right. Issue another round of training missions for Beacon. Offer double pay, we've got the budget. Afterwards, get in contact with the public high schools and religious schools: See if they have any legal aged students looking to do volunteer work to help fix up the base."

"Yes ma'am!" Grantz saluted. Tangy turned to one last window, with a long faced man-Koenig, as Graves recalled.

"Colonel, there's a bandit encampment confirmed in Forever Fall. They're near the new logistics base we set up. Most likely they're after the latest Dust shipment that's waiting there for distribution."

"Cheeky bastards," Tangy muttered. "How many forces can we spare to wipe them out right now?"

Koenig shook his head.

"We're overextended as is. Can we call in an airstrike?"

Tangy hid her irritation behind her cold professional mask, but Graves knew better.

"The VSS Banshee's battlegroup doesn't arrive for two more days. They had to deal with a pirate raid," Tangy stated.

"We could ask the Atlasians," Visha suggested. Tangy sighed.

"As a last resort, we will. But if we aren't able to handle a bandit camp in our own backyard, we don't deserve the name of a military," Tangy stated.

"Then could Colonel Graves spare any men?" Koenig respectfully suggested.

Tangy looked expectantly at her uncle, who sighed.

"Sadly no. We're dealing with Grimm extermination missions for the next 48 hours. It's almost like they were all migrating here at the same time."

"Mm! We've only seen that phenomenon a few times in history, Colonel!" Visha contributed, holding up her Scroll, "But never on this scale! We haven't been able to find anything to correlate to it!"

"Keep looking," Tangy ordered, "Even Varnholt wasn't so incompetent as to let in this many Grimm around Vale on purpose."

"How is the old War Horse, by the way?" Graves asked. Tangy gave her uncle a smirk.

"He is being tended to by tailors, armorers, and publicists all day to ensure he is at his best for the Vytal Festival opening, mid, and closing ceremonies," she said, "As a man of his age and reputation should look his absolute best."

Graves grinned savagely.

"That's my girl," he said, and Tangy preened a bit. She then looked back at her subordinates, who were all attempting to hide smiles. Well, most of them: Visha didn't even bother. "Don't you all have work to do?"

"Ma'am!" They responded in unison with salutes. Tangy fixed her eyes on Koenig.

"I'll call in a favor for the camp. Maintain observation."

"Ma'am!"

The holowindows closed with a wave of Tangy's hand. She turned her full attention to her uncle, as Visha stood at her side.

"You didn't just come for that I take it?" Tangy asked.

Graves smirked a bit.

"I had a visit from Nana," he said. "She wants to know everything about Jaune's potential paramours."

"What makes you think I would waste time investigating them all?" Tangy asked, almost offended. Graves continued to smirk. Tangy sighed, and nodded to Visha. The curvy girl beamed and handed over a holochip.

"The full intel dossiers on all of them," Visha said brightly, "I think you'll be very interested! The Colonel personally made lists on how to tease them all!"

"Visha!" Tangy hissed. Visha blushed.

"Oops! Sorry!"

"Ah, that's my great-granddaughter," a kindly female voice spoke, as a dainty but agile hand snatched the holochip out of Grave's hand. Tangy goggled as Arturia Arc beamed at her. Visha grinned and waved.

"Hey Nana! There's a great new cheeseburger place near the capital building! You want to check it out?"

"I would love to!" Arturia beamed. Tangy flushed as Arturia sized her up.

"Nana," Tangy stated, "Preparations for the festival are underway. Though there are many obstacles… We are overcoming them."

Arturia stared intently at Tangy, the full force of her presence falling over them. Graves stood at attention, as did Tangy. Visha beamed, oblivious, but she remained quiet. This presence, this Aura, was strong and as heavy as the judgement of Heaven.

It then passed, leaving only warmth and love, as Arturia smiled honestly.

"As I expected of you, Tangerine," she said, "I am very proud of all you have done."

Tangy flushed, but nodded stoically.

"Thank you Nana," she said, quiet but genuine.

"So," Arturia said, glancing at Visha knowingly, "Do you have a date for the Vytal Gala?"

Tangy coughed.

"It would be inappropriate for me to take a date to the Gala, as I only know subordinates-"

"We'll be going as friend, Nana!" Visha said cheerfully. Tangy scowled.

"I didn't say that!"

"You didn't have to!" Visha bubbled, "Besides! Imagine the buffet! You wouldn't leave me out of that, would you, Colonel?"

Tangy sighed heavily.

"I suppose not," she muttered. She scowled as her uncle and great-grandmother smirked at each other. "Stop that!"

"We didn't say a word," Graves chuckled.

"You didn't have to," Tangy grumbled, as Visha began eating a chocolate bar. "Visha, don't eat while we're on duty."

"Oops! Sorry Colonel!" Visha apologized.

"So," Arturia said, "That bandit camp out in Forever Fall. How are you going to handle that? Do you need Shirou and I to go out?"

"No Nana," Tangy said, shaking her head, "While I appreciate it, if any of them got a lucky hit on you two, that would be disastrous for morale. Several Beacon teams are already deployed to Forever Fall right now for training missions, they're going to see the whole thing."

"So, who are you sending after them?" Graves asked.

"I asked a favor," and here Tangy grinned devilishly, "Of Cousin Zechs."

"You do realize that means he won't kill any of them unless he absolutely has to, right?" Graves asked, raising an eyebrow. Tangy nodded.

"Yes. As much fun as slaughtering them all might be, we do need to mind our optics," Tangy said. "Besides, returning them weaken, beaten, and demoralized will send the proper message."

"I'm so proud," Arturia sniffled.

---

Shay D. Mann had been confident this raid would be a clean sweep. Raven had dispatched him and a handful of her tribe's flunkies to hit a small Valean military logistics hub on Vale's outskirts in the Forever Fall, banking on the chaos of the White Fang's attacks to cover their tracks. The target: a hefty cache of Dust, ripe for the taking.

Things had gotten a bit complicated: A few Beacon Hunter-in-Training teams had been near the small logistics base, and were fighting them. He'd spotted Raven's daughter among them.

Raven's orders about her daughter were clear: Don't hurt her or her friends. But with the way she was charging into the fight, some blond dope with a sword and shield fighting alongside, that wasn't going to be easy. Hell the redhead was giving them enough trouble!

Even so, it was supposed to be easy… But things had gone catastrophically wrong.

"Wh-Wh-WHAT IS THAT?!" a bandit shrieked, his voice breaking in panic.

From the growing darkness as the sun set, it flew: A Mechashift Armor, its crimson and black frame gleaming with malevolent elegance, like a dragon forged in steel. Its sleek, predatory design crowned with curved, horn-like protrusions, loomed over them. In its grip, a massive Dust beam saber crackled to life, glowing with volatile energy, while a colossal heat rod extended from its arm, pulsating with menacing light. Its green, slit-like optics glared down, exuding an aura of ruthless precision.

Shay's blood ran cold. He knew exactly what this was. "That's a Mechashift Armor!" he yelled, his voice raw with dread. "IT'S A GUNDAMMMM—!"

The massacre was relentless. Epyon moved with terrifying grace, its heat rod lashing out like a serpent, slicing through bandits and their crude weapons in a blaze of sparks and screams-Only their Aura kept them from dying instantly. The heat rod swept through the air, incinerating anything in its path with molten fury.

Shay, driven by pure desperation, sprinted through the chaos, dodging energy lashes and flying debris until he reached the rendezvous point, lungs burning and heart hammering.

"RUN!" He bellowed, his fellow bandits all following his lead as they ran. A red cut appeared in reality, and one of Raven's portals opened up like a great eye. Shay dove through, the rest of the bandits following suit. They tumbled through the portal, falling to the dirty floor of the latest Branwen Tribe base. The portal shut behind them. Shay, panting hard, slowly looked up into the enraged eyes of Raven Branwen.

"Shay? What happened?" Raven demanded.

"W-Well… Um… We tried to get the shipment," Shay said, "But a lot of training teams, including Pyrrha Nikos, your daughter and her boyfriend, were fighting us."

Raven's eyes glowed with anger. Shay continued quickly.

"W-We didn't hurt them! We avoided any real harm, I promise! They're all okay… But then a GUNDAM of all things came in! A freaking Gundam! We thought they were all inactive but it came! It beat us all to a pulp! We-We're only alive because it let us go! Please, I-I take responsibility! Don't kill us all for this failure!"

Shay may have been a dirty coward but acting like he wasn't a bitch was the only way Raven wouldn't kill him. Raven stared intensely at him.

Raven then grabbed Shay's shoulder, pulled him up, and dragged him off to a private part of the old building. He heard the sighs of relief of the other bandits behind him as she pulled him along.

Traitors, he thought angrily. Raven shoved him against the wall and stared into his eyes. He held his breath.

"... When it comes to a legendary warrior, retreat is the wisest decision," Raven decided.

Shay held in his sigh of relief and tried not to sag. He nodded.

"Thank you, Raven."

"Now," Raven growled, making Shay cringe, "Tell me…"

About the shipment? The Gundam? Vale's defenses?

"... About my daughter's boyfriend," Raven asked, her eyes narrowed. "Who is he? Is he strong? What does he look like?"

Shay blinked.

"Huh?"

---

Back at the Forever Fall, Teams JNPR and RWBY looked on in awe at the dragon-like mecha shift armor. The bandits had fled from its fearsome power, though they'd been holding their own. Still, Jaune wasn't going to complain as he grinned at the ominous looking mechashift armor.

"Dragon Robot saved us!" Nora cheered. "WOO!" Lie Ren smiled indulgently. Weiss groaned.

"Why can't we just have one training mission where nothing happens?" Weiss cried, "Just one boring, straightforward mission?"

"What's the point of those?" Ruby grinned. "Oh wow, Epyon! So amazing! I wanna take it apart and put it back together!"

"It's been a while since I saw it," Jaune added, also broadly grinning.

"Wait, you know that mechashift armor?!" Weiss gasped.

"Yeah!" Jaune said with a nod with a grin. Weiss groaned.

"Oh no, don't tell me-"

The armor stepped forward. The helmet opened, revealing an incredible handsome man with piercing blue eyes and long platinum blond hair that hell down his back. He smirked a bit as Jaune waved.

"Cousin Zechs!"

"Cousin Jaune," Zechs nodded, "Glad to see you well."

"Glad to see you here!" Jaune laughed, running up to hug him. Zechs hugged him back, patting him on the shoulder.

"Super glad to see you too!" Ruby cried, clinging to Zechs' left arm eagerly. Zechs raised an eyebrow.

"Ruby Rose, I presume?"

"You've heard of me?" Ruby squealed.

"Heero told me about you," Zechs chuckled.

"HEE~!"

"Of… Of course," Weiss sighed, "Another freaking Arc." Yang elbowed her.

"Stop complaining," Yang grinned, "It's a nice preview of the future."

"Very nice," Blake agreed.

"Yes it is," Pyrrha sighed.

Weiss blushed severely.

"I-I didn't say it wasn't-I-you-Shut up!"

---

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Name: Colonel Eamon Badger
Allusion: Mr. Badger from The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame, embodying wisdom, loyalty, and a protective, grounded nature.
Naming Process: Eamon, derived from Old Irish meaning "guardian" or "protector," reflects his role as a steadfast leader and mentor. Badger, a direct nod to his literary inspiration, underscores his tenacity, territorial instincts, and unyielding resolve.
Age: 42 at the time of his death.
Background: Eamon Badger was born in Atlas to a working-class Faunus family, his badger-like traits earning him both pride and prejudice in a human-dominated military. Rising through the ranks of Atlas's Special Forces, he became a colonel known for his strategic brilliance and fierce loyalty to his team. He mentored young officers like James Ironwood and Sienna Khan, fostering unity between humans and Faunus in his elite unit. His final mission, a botched operation in Mistral to dismantle a Dust smuggling ring, was sabotaged by political corruption. Eamon sacrificed himself to save James and Sienna, collapsing a ravine to bury their enemies, leaving them the only two survivors of their unit. His death drove Sienna to lead the White Fang and James to become a reformist general, each seeking to honor his legacy in their own way.
Race: Faunus (Badger traits: retractable claws, heightened low-light senses).
Emblem: A silver badger's head with amber eyes, framed by crossed axes and a shield, symbolizing protection and unyielding strength.
Weapon: Talon's Ward – A double-headed axe that turns into a high-caliber rifle. The axe, engraved with geometric patterns, delivers powerful Dust-infused strikes (earth or fire Dust). The rifle fires elemental rounds for ranged combat, reflecting Eamon's versatility. A small, reinforced shield integrated into the axe's haft allows for defensive maneuvers, embodying his protective nature.
Semblance: Burrow's Resolve – Eamon could summon temporary barriers of earth or energy to shield allies or redirect attacks. These barriers, glowing with an earthen hue, could withstand significant force but drained his Aura rapidly. In combat, he used this to hold defensive lines or create safe zones, reflecting his role as a guardian.
Appearance: Eamon was tall and broad, with a rugged, weathered face and a thick mane of silver-streaked black hair. His amber eyes, sharp and perceptive, glowed faintly in darkness due to his Faunus traits. Scars from past battles marked his arms and chest, a testament to his frontline leadership. His presence was commanding yet approachable, with a gruff warmth that inspired trust.
Outfit: Eamon wore a practical Atlasian officer's uniform, modified for mobility: a dark blue coat with synthetic fur lining, reinforced with lightweight armor plates. His badge, a simple silver badger, was pinned to his chest. A worn, dark green scarf, a gift from his unit, hung loosely around his neck, symbolizing their bond. His attire blended Atlas's austerity with a rugged, earthy aesthetic tied to his badger inspiration.
Personality: Eamon was a stern yet compassionate leader, blending Mr. Badger's gruff wisdom with a soldier's discipline. He treated all under his command—human or Faunus—with equal respect, earning fierce loyalty. His dry humor and knack for storytelling, often sharing tales of survival, made him a father figure to James and Sienna. He despised bureaucracy, viewing it as a betrayal of the soldiers he led, yet he remained steadfast in his duty. His belief in unity and sacrifice shaped his mentees, though his death left them grappling with his ideals in conflicting ways.
Role in Atlas's Forces: As captain of an elite Special Forces unit, Eamon led high-risk missions, from Grimm extermination to covert operations against political threats. His tactical acumen and ability to inspire made his unit a cornerstone of Atlas's military. He trained James in strategic discipline and Sienna in controlled ferocity, fostering their potential while advocating for Faunus rights within Atlas's rigid system.

Notes:

The Botched Mission: In a covert operation in Mistral, Eamon's unit was tasked with dismantling a rogue Dust smuggling ring tied to a corrupt Mistrali councilor. The mission was a setup—political pressures from Atlas and Mistral led to falsified intel, sending the unit into an ambush by Grimm and hired mercenaries. Eamon's semblance held off waves of attackers, creating barriers to protect his team, but the overwhelming odds decimated the unit. James was gravely injured, losing parts of his body to a Beowolf's claws, requiring cybernetic replacements. Sienna, though unharmed, was forced to retreat with James under Eamon's orders. In his final act, Eamon used the last of his Aura to collapse a ravine, burying the enemy and himself to ensure James and Sienna's escape. Eamon's death was a turning point. Sienna, enraged by the betrayal and loss of her mentor, saw the system's corruption as irredeemable. She left Atlas, joining the White Fang and eventually leading it with militant zeal to force change through violence. James, haunted by his survival and Eamon's sacrifice, doubled down on his duty, rising to general to reform Atlas from within, though his increasing reliance on control and cybernetics reflected his struggle to process the trauma. Both carried Eamon's memory—Sienna in her fierce resolve, James in his rigid discipline—yet neither could fully honor his belief in unity.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

I mean this could work for Pyrrha... But Yang could verge towards bullying a few times in the show. Sooo...

Yang steals Jaune's lunch.

Yang: "My lunch now, VB!"

Jaune: "Wha-Seriously?!"

She does it again and runs off.

Yang: "Loved your sandwich! Gonna love this one, too!"

Jaune: "YANG! DAMNIT!"

Then... Yang is about to eat his mother's cookies. In front of him.

Yang: "Mm... They smell even better than Ruby's cookies!"

Ruby: "Yang!"

Jaune finally has had enough.

Jaune: "I swore I'd never hit a girl who didn't hit me first..."

Yang: "Oh really, VB? Whatcha gonna do, VB? Not like you're man enough to-MMMPH?!"

Jaune kisses the hell out of Yang, dipping her. He then lets her go, speechless. He plucks the cookie out of her hand and eats it.

Jaune: "My cookie."

Yang: "..." licks her lips "Wait... I want a taste."

Jaune: "Like hell I'd give you-MMPH!"

They resume kissing... Angrily... Then passionately as they begin making out vigerously.

Ruby: "Damn you Yang...!" She has one of Jaune's mom's cookies, cries "Damnit! They are better! Well, if Yang marries Jaune maybe she'll teach me how to bake?"

Pyrrha: TWITCH 'I needed to bully him! THAT WAS THE KEY!'

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Cardin: "Velv... I gotta ask. You were strong enough to beat the crap out of me. Heck, you could have had your team beat us up and we'd have been no mater."

Velvet: "So?"

Cardin: "So... Why didn't you do that when I was tugging on your ears?"

Velvet: "..." blush "Um... W-Well... I actually kind of like it when you pull my ears."

Cardin: "..." blush "Oh."

Velvet: "Sooo... You want to try tugging them now?"

Cardin: "Okay!"

Blake stares at the two.

Weiss: "Blake? Stop that."

Blake: "But they're living out so many of my fantasies-!"

Weiss: "Stop being you!"

Blake: "Racist!"

Weiss: "Pervert!"

Cardin: "God I hate it when couples fight in public."

Weiss and Blake: "SHUT UP!"

 

[zMADLAXz]

If Naruto talked with Sun.

Naruto: Kid, I love your dedication but a Romance is not the way to go about it. And if Romance is your primary goal there are different ways to go.

Sun: Then what do I do?

Naruto: First, instead of one moody volatile princess, you go after several of them, but the trick is to never flirt with them.

Sun: Never?

Naruto: Absolutely Never, then you have to be yourself, that is to say a hyper competent buffoon.

Sun: Done.

Naruto: Good, next you are gonna need a grand dream.

Sun: Does family and going for a semi-peaceful revolution through funny pranks count?

Naruto: THAT is the winning strategy. You are a quick learner.

Sun: Aww, thanks for believing in me.

Naruto: Well, you best Believe that. Ok, now comes the most important part, that is, you ignore all of them because your purpose is more important to you and after a few hundred episodes, you go for the best girl that was always there. Who is also shy and a princess.

Sun: Well, sorry to disappoint Sensei but us modern kids don't get 700 episodes. Also a shy princess?

Naruto: Well, shit. OK, ok we can still fix this. Now where to find your princess? (looks around and finds May shyly looking from behind a wall)

Naruto: Well Kid, you ever dated a sniper girl before?

Sun: ....no?

Naruto: Buckle up because you are about to.

Naruto quickly knocks both of them out and cleverly locks them in a room with all the necessities but very cramped space. Thankfully neither of them need much light.

Sun: I am SO SO SO sorry for Sensei, he doesn't really care much about people's opinion about training and calls it his "Toad Sage Extreme" strategy, and now you got stuck with me as part of his shenanigans.

May: Um, well It's no problem, besides I wanted to get to know new people as well, and this is a great approach, if unorthodox isn't it? I am May Zedong btw.

Sun: Oh, well that's fine. Also hi May, I am Sun Wukong. Now let's figure out a way to get out of here, your family must be worried.

May: Ummm, I only have my team and no family.

Sun: Oh shit you too huh. Well anyways, sorry for assuming anyway still , try to get out of here hmm?

May blushes and as they both try to figure out a way outside.

---

Meanwhile, Naruto on a random rooftop with Ichigo.

Naruto: Well that's one pair done, what about you, had a nice talk with the lad?

Ichigo: He mostly has it figured out, now I just need him to go from survival mindset to winning mindset.

Naruto: Ahhh, the "Old Man Zangetsu" approach?

Ichigo: Yep, hey btw, since you are better at this social engineering thing than me, you think you could fit Yang in that Arkos thing you are trying to accomplish? I can't let another Tatsuki go alone like that man.

Naruto: I am pretty sure it won't take too much pranking; sure, I'll assign a few more shadow clones to that. Also do you think we should start with combat training, I know how to beat up a magnet style user and also how to light the fire of motivation under a shy princess/warrior, and in my opinion Pyrrha needs a more unique training style.

Oh! Almost forgot to tell ya, I am adopting Ruby and Nora, these two precious ones need to grow up badass like my Hima and Boruto and rule the world.

Ichigo: You do that, I'll be seeing if we could get rest of the kids' families here, Blacksmith lady could only give us some limited time.

Naruto: Great! Now let me just get Aang and Uncle Iroh here and I am pretty sure we could set that Ironwood fella straight. The way things are going, he might end up like Danzo, which would be a waste of a leader like him.

Ichigo: ...you think it can get that bad?

Naruto: Ichigo, buddy, this world is like if someone took a mix of all our stories and worlds, blended them together, boiled it, and then diluted it till it looked like its completely clear.

It's just a matter of remembering old patterns pal.

Ichigo: hmmmm, you aren't wrong, well lemme see, hey do you think a strong Grimm would make for a good sword?

Naruto: ......why? You know he doesn't have to be a dual wielder you know, he is more healer and protector ain't he? Won't a bigger a shield be better?

Ichigo: ......Naruto, do you know what my Name means?

Naruto: "The one who protects", right?

Ichigo: Correct, now do you see me using a shield?

Naruto: Well, you have that Hollow technique that acts as a physical protection ain't it? Plus Zangetsu does the Reiatsu condensing for you to launch sword beams. Also the Quincy powers.

Ichigo: And he has his Aura and Semblance, look sometimes you gotta realise that when all the world's going stupid and crazy, you gonna need more leverage and sharpness than a shield.

I am not saying a shield is bad, but you of all people must understand that before you move forward and improve something? You gonna need to split some heads.

Naruto: ..... I think I saw a Grimm with a pretty useful gimmick in Ever After, think that'll work?

Ichigo: See? 'tis only a matter of need.

Naruto: Now let me see if I can find a way to teach Rasengan to Sun, no student of mine will go without being able to make more shadow clones than sand on a beach and a swirling mass of energy packing more punch than a wrecking ball.

Even if I have to convince one of the Tailed Beasts. I think Son would be upto the task.

 

[zMADLAXz]

A lot of people say that Jaune should have died instead of Pyrrha.

That seems just like a bad end waiting to happen.

Because in this scenario, Jaune somehow shielded Pyrrha from a fatal blow, in which case Cinder is still going to kill her anyways and if say Jaune pushed her away and still went to fight Cinder by himself, then too Cinder is just going to come back and kill Pyrrha again.

Because here is the sad fact, Cinder is stronger and more clever than Pyrrha.

Now you just have a Maiden and high level fighter on your ass, with no healer.

And yes, Pyr can obviously fill the role of a combatant and somehow make up for the lack of Jaune in some fights, but here is the thing, without Jaune's semblance Weiss would still die.

Because again, Cinder can defeat Pyrrha and this time Pyrrha won't have Jaune to come and save her. Also unlike Jaune, Cinder will take Pyrrha more seriously this time, because in Haven she just mocked him and let him do his own thing, which allowed him to use his awakened semblance.

And what about escorting all the civilians from Mantle? Jaune's semblance and leadership was prudent for that along with Ren.

And without Jaune and his guaranteed boosts, even Ren's improved semblance won't do shit.

So now you just have a Cinder who is even more cautious and bloodthirsty, who is going to finish her job, you have no healer/tank to rely on, and as soon as Salem shows up?

Unless you make the argument that Pyrrha can somehow beat her, they'll stand no chance at all.

A lot of the attitude of the anti-Jaune hatedom of RWBY unironically sounds like those parties in Light novels that kick out the healer because they are doing no damage.

Sure, they beat Cordovin, well congrats you still have that giant ass Grimm, who is not magnetic.

Also funnily enough, if these Jaune haters had watched Naruto, unironically they would appreciate a healer more because Tsunade made three rules of Medical Ninjas, which make absolute fucking sense.

1. no medic ninja shall ever stop medical treatment until the lives of their party members have come to an end

2. no medic ninja shall ever stand on the front lines

3. no medic ninja shall ever die until they are the last of their platoon

There is also a 4th rule but that is for those who can use the Hundred sealing: Yin Seal technique.

But it is still applicable to Jaune because of his ability to quickly recharge his Aura, and use it to heal and defend. So instead of relying on Hundred sealing, he can rely on his own Aura.

These rules make sense, you want the healer to die last so that you can keep more people alive.

Some other big brains say that it would parallel Patroclus and Achilles.

To them I will say a few points.

1. The premise of RWBY is that roles flip on their heads, the tin man doesn't have a heart, the brave little lion was a coward, the little red riding hood killed the wolf, THE GOD OF THE SEAS is afraid of Water.

So it makes no sense for Patroclus to die.

2. If you have read Illiad and rest of the Trojan war books, it would become very clear that why the death of Patroclus was such a big deal to not just Achilles.

Patroclus was EVERYONE's favourite person.

These are from Richmond Lattimore's 1951 translation of The Iliad.
Menelaus Defending Patroclus' Body (Book 17, lines 97–101)

"But Menelaos, dear to Ares, stood over Patroklos,
speared him round with his great spear, as a mother cow
stands lowing over the calf she has brought forth.
For Menelaos, Atreus' son, stood over Patroklos."

Click to shrink...

Showing an almost motherly protectiveness.
Ajax (the Greater) Joins in the Defense (Book 17, lines 356–360)

"Then Aias came near him, carrying like a wall his shield,
and stood fast by Menelaos. So the two of them
thought only of fighting round fallen Patroklos."

Click to shrink...

Two of the greatest Achean soldiers are there just to make sure that his body is defended.
Briseis' Lament (Book 19, lines 287–299)

"You were always so gentle. You would not let me weep.
You told me that godlike Achilles would make me his wedded wife,
and take me back in his ships to Phthia,
and there among the Myrmidons we would have our wedding feast.
So now I weep your death without ceasing. You were kind always."

Click to shrink...

The Army's Mourning (Book 19, lines 302–303)

"So she spoke, weeping, and the women mourned in answer,
mourning for Patroklos, but each for her own sorrows."

Click to shrink...

All the women of the camp join in mourning Patroclus.

So here's the thing, he wasn't just important to Achilles. He is widely considered one of the most loved characters.

And Jaune here, is till this point none of this.

Yes his friends would be sad, but not to the level that somebody inspired by Patroclus deserves.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

The Beacon courtyard was a tranquil haven, dappled with the fading light of dusk, the air carrying the faint scent of blooming flowers. Lie Ren sat cross-legged on the grass, his eyes closed, his breathing steady, the picture of serene meditation. Beside him, Jaune Arc was decidedly less serene, wobbling precariously on his head at Ren's insistence, his blond hair splayed out and his face flushed red from effort.

His hoodie bunched awkwardly under his armor as he groaned, "Gah… uh… you sure you trained like this, Ren?"

"Very sure," Ren replied, his voice calm, a faint smile tugging at his lips.

"Nnnngh… how do you achieve inner peace standing on your head?!" Jaune grumbled, his arms shaking as he fought to balance.

"Practice," Ren said, his tone even, his magenta eyes still closed.

Jaune scowled, his voice laced with exasperation. "Like not getting upset over your teacher making you do ridiculous things?"

Ren's smile grew, subtle but genuine. "Exactly."

A booming laugh shattered the quiet, rich and warm. "Hahaha! Oh man, I remember that! Shifu put me through that all the time at the start!"

Ren's eyes snapped open, his calm fracturing as he sprang to his feet, turning toward the voice. Jaune, still upside-down, craned his neck awkwardly, catching sight of a portly Panda Faunus in elegant green robes, a conical hat perched on his head, a wooden staff in hand. His teeth gleamed under the fading light, his grin wide and infectious.

Ren's hands clasped in a respectful fist-over-palm salute, bowing deeply. "Master Po! I-I did not know you were coming!"

Po's grin widened, his eyes twinkling. "Well, I was in the area. I wanted to see how you were doing." He glanced at Jaune, still wobbling. "Your student?"

Ren straightened, his voice steady but warm. "He is my team leader… and friend."

Po's smile grew, his staff tapping the ground. Jaune, with a grunt, flipped off his head, landing with a stumble before offering a bright grin. "I'm Jaune Arc!"

Po bowed, his robes rustling. "I'm Po! Ren was my student!"

Jaune's eyes widened, his voice curious. "So, wait, you're… a kung fu master?"

Po chuckled, his tone humble. "I'm called a master, but you never truly master anything. You learn something new every day…"

Jaune nodded, his grin thoughtful. "Huh… sounds familiar."

"Now!" Po clapped his hands, his stomach growling loudly. "Let's catch up… at the cafeteria."

The Beacon cafeteria was a bustling chaos of clattering trays and student chatter, but the arrival of Teams RWBY and JNPR turned heads. Nora Valkyrie led the charge, her turquoise eyes blazing with excitement as she spotted Po. "PO!" she shrieked, launching herself at him in a tackle-hug that sent the Panda Faunus crashing to the floor with a laugh.

"HAHAHA! Nora! I missed you too!" Po roared, his staff clattering as he hugged her back.

"How's Old Tavish?!" Nora demanded, bouncing on her heels.

"He's doing well!" Po said, climbing to his feet. "Still blowing things up, but happy in retirement. He was really excited over you blowing up a Deathstalker!"

"YAY!" Nora cheered, fist-pumping.

Ren quickly introduced Po to the others, his voice calm but proud. Yang Xiao Long, leaning against a table, raised a skeptical eyebrow, her lilac eyes glinting. "You're Zen's master?"

Po, happily munching a meat bun, nodded. "Mmhm! Hnnn… they're way too salty."

Ren's voice was soft but firm. "I agree, Master."

Nora beamed, her voice bright. "Yeah! Ren's pork buns are way better!"

Po grinned, swallowing. "He was very good at those. I also taught him cooking!"

Yang's eyebrow arched higher. "Uh huh…"

Weiss Schnee, arms crossed, frowned. "You just seem… very unlike what we expected."

Yang snorted, her voice teasing. "I mean, can you even run a mile?"

Ren's eyes narrowed, a rare scowl breaking his calm. "Yang! This man took me and Nora into his home! He trained me!"

Yang raised her hands, her grin faltering. "Hey, hey! I'm sorry! No offense meant—!"

Po held up a paw, his voice gentle. "Ren. It's all right."

Ren's scowl lingered, but he forced himself to relax, the outburst startling everyone.

Po's grin softened, his tone reflective. "Heh. Nobody thought I was cut out to be a kung fu master when I started, either. Me least of all. But! It turns out appearances can be deceiving. Not that it was easy. I sucked. I sucked hard, at the start. But eventually… with enough hard work… you realize you can stop sucking."

He held out his paw, and the pork buns in a nearby bowl glowed with his Aura, rising up into the air. The teams gaped as the buns floated in a graceful orbit above Po's head, then behind him, his control effortless.

"But only if you believe you can be more than what you appear to be," he said, waving his hand to guide the buns back into the bowl.

Yang stared, then grinned wide. "Can you teach me that?"

Po laughed. "Maybe! Right now, I gotta make some real food. Come on, Ren! We're commandeering the kitchen! Let's make you and your friends a real dinner! We'll be right back!"

"Yes, Master," Ren said, following Po into the kitchen.

The cafeteria kitchen was nearly empty, the staff unbothered by the intrusion. Po set to work, his paws a blur as he kneaded dough and chopped vegetables, while Ren assisted, his movements precise but heavy with unspoken weight. As Po started a pot of broth, Ren sighed, his voice low.

"I'm sorry, Master. I shouldn't… I shouldn't have lost my temper. I don't have any right to defend you or… or anything. Not after what I did."

Po glanced at him, his tone curious as he rolled out noodles. "Hm? And what did you do?"

Ren's head bowed, his hands kneading dough. "I… I left. With Nora."

"Yeah," Po said, his voice light. "And why?"

"I wanted to be a Hunter… and…" Ren's voice faltered.

Po raised an eyebrow, frying noodles with a sizzle. "And?"

"... Get justice for my family," Ren admitted, his voice barely audible.

Po nodded, his tone warm but firm as he stirred pork into the broth. "Wanting justice isn't a bad thing, Ren. I wanted justice for my family, too. And being a Hunter is a wonderful thing! Protecting and saving people, pow pow pow! That's great! We're very proud of you both, all of us!"

Ren's lips twitched into a small smile, but Po's expression grew somber.

"But vengeance… vengeance is not the way to do it."

Ren's hands stilled. "I shouldn't kill that monster?"

"I didn't say that," Po said, his voice gentle but pointed. "What I did say… is that you shouldn't go into a fight not caring if you come back alive."

Ren froze, his breath catching.

Po's eyes softened, his tone heavy. "Hey. My masters did the whole 'I can see into your mind' thing with me, too. I was amazed and annoyed by it, like, all the time… Your dough's getting dry."

Ren blinked, adding a pinch of water to the dough, his hands moving mechanically. "Ah…"

"You know," Po said, pouring pork and broth into buns with aura-fueled precision, "it was a very sad day when you two left. You were really good, Ren. Amazing, even. One day, you could be better than me."

Ren's eyes widened, his voice a whisper. "I-I could never be the Dragon Warrior—"

"Heh," Po chuckled, sealing the buns with a flick of aura. "And that's what I said, too." He slid the tray into the oven, his voice softening. "For me? It was doubting I was anything more than some fat dummy raised by the best cook in the Valley of Peace. For you? It's fear and anger."

Ren's jaw tightened. "I don't fear—"

"You fear, Ren," Po cut in, his eyes locking onto Ren's. "Come on. Be honest. You fear getting too close to anyone because you think you're going to die." His voice dropped, heavy with truth. "Because part of you feels you deserve to."

Ren's breath hitched, his eyes dropping to the counter. "…Shouldn't I?"

Po's paw rested on Ren's shoulder, firm and warm. "Wha—of course not, Ren! It's not your fault the Nuckelavee killed everyone, any more than it's my fault some crazy peacock attacked my village!" He turned Ren to face the cafeteria, where Nora was animatedly recounting tales of the Valley of Peace, her eyes catching Ren's with a radiant smile. "And most importantly, you saved Nora."

Ren's gaze softened, his voice a whisper. "…I did…"

Po's grin returned, gentle but firm. "She cares for you, Ren. Loves you. And you don't want to break her heart, do you?"

"…I do not," Ren said, his voice steady but raw.

"Or the hearts of your friends, right?" Po said, pointing out at the teams. Ren slowly shook his head.

"No."

"Or our hearts?" Po asked, looking very solemn. Ren slowly shook his head, his voice catching.

"No… But…"

Po nodded as he let go of Ren, pulling the buns from the oven, their aroma filling the kitchen. "Yeah. I get it. And hey, one conversation doesn't fix everything. That's just in movies." He levitated a bun with his aura, grinning. "But it's like my dad said: It's like pork buns."

Ren blinked. "Pork buns?"

"Every single pork bun adds up," Po said, popping the bun into his mouth, then yelping, "AH! HOT HOT HOT! TOO HOT!" He fanned his mouth, his eyes watering, but his grin held.

"You eat one on your own, eh, it's just a meal. Even if they taste really, really good. But! Keep making pork buns, and more people come in. They pay you to make more if you make 'em good enough. They come to eat, and talk, and you meet great people. You become friends. Even family. And after a while, the pork buns aren't just pork buns. They're every happy meal, every satisfied customer, all your happy memories."

Ren's lips curved into a rare, genuine smile, his eyes soft. "…Master… I'm sorry I left you in

anger."

Po swallowed the bun, his grin wide. "Eh… as long as you don't come back to take revenge on everyone, you're good. Just like…" He popped another bun into his mouth, sighing happily in bliss. "This pork bun."

Ren smiled back at his master. Soft, still guarded, but the warmth was still there. Po nodded back.

"Now, let's have dinner with your friends," Po said cheerfully. "We want to make more happy memories!"

"Yes Master."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Remnant's nations would need militaries for the same reasons all nations throughout human history have needed them.: Militaries exist to address the strategic needs of a nation state. This military is maintained as a deterrent against invasion, a fast reaction force in case of natural disaster or civil unrest, as a system for the advancement of technology that can later be released to the private market, and as a tool in foreign policy before and after diplomacy breaks down.

As an example: The United States Navy has its ships do "Demonstration of Freedom of Navigation" missions. Basically, they send ships into an area of contested waters to ensure that civilian traffic can go through. This is in the United States' interest as it promotes oceanic trade, and in the interest of the nations in the area because there are consequences to bad actors who try to sink or raid local shipping. Those nations are more likely to trade with the United States and with eachother because of the security the US Navy provides. This is not new: The Ancient Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Spanish, Korean, Japanese, Royal (British) and many other navies did exactly the same thing.

Remnant's kingdoms would need militaries to deal with Grimm hordes too large for Hunters to handle on their own, to deal with pirates and bandits, to provide assistance in case of natural disasters and to deal with massive social unrest like riots, to employ people who didn't cut it as Hunters, and to defend their borders and interests from foreign adversaries. Remnant has all the same problems Earth does in terms of human nature on top of the Grimm, so of course they would need militaries.

As for the military equipment being mostly lifted from Earth? Well, one: The inhabitants of Remnant are human or humanoid on a world where the laws of physics outside of Dust and Aura do still apply, so naturally most of their vehicles will resemble Earth vehicles. Two, the idea behind firearms technology is to engage enemies beyond melee range because fighting hand to hand is a messy, bloody business and bullets are more numerous and cheaper than swords and shields. So the principle is the same here: Tanks and mounted guns would engage Grimm at range and cut down as many of them as possible before they got to bite range. When you're behind walls or other defensive positions and/or in armored vehicles that have ammo, this is a perfectly viable strategy for defending your settlement or group from Grimm. The armored vehicles, in turn, can move when your position becomes untenable and you can retreat or move somewhere more advantageous.

For people with no unlocked Aura or very weak Aura, the best strategy is to be fast, mobile, well armed, and protected: And armored vehicles provide all of that.

However, fighting Grimm is not like fighting other humans: They respawn, they have supernatural abilities, they cannot be easily scared off, they cannot be bargained or reasoned with, they do not know fatigue or hunger. So you are correct in that a regular military is insufficient to deal with Grimm. Thus, Hunters are needed and in large numbers. Hunters have several advantages over the regular military in many areas: They are usually more powerful than rank and file soldiers, more experience, can react faster and have internationally agreed upon authority. At the same time, the military has advantages over Hunters in many other areas: They can bring in more firepower and resources, they have better logistics, they have numbers and more discipline, and they have more authority on a local level.

That's not to say there wouldn't be conflicts between the military and Hunters, there always are between different organizations meant to deal with similar threats, but that's a good thing: It gives you opportunities for drama and storytelling.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Just some lame AI Art of Isabel, Saia, Summer and Raven at Beacon as students.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

It also rendered Taiyang, Arjun, Qrow and Nick:

Doesn't really capture their personalities, except for Taiyang. And yeah, Nick doesn't have the scar on his cheek that he should. Freaking wish I had talent in art.

That said, Nick starting out as a little runt and then growing into a seven foot five inch giant is a fun idea.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Sienna Khan was a bit tense as she waited in the Menagerian Embassy in Atlas. For James-General Ironwood to go to such lengths to summon her personally... It was unheard of. Her spies hadn't given her any indication as to what could have brought it about, though the Atlasian Council was potentially going to try to lift some sanctions on them in the coming session.

The door to the private conference room opened. James marched in, slamming the door behind him. Sienna stood up out of habit.

Sienna: "James, what's going on-?"

James glared. He slammed some photos down on the table. Sienna looked at them... And sucked in a very deep breath.

They were pictures of a young man with dark skin... And familiar blue eyes.

James: "... How could you hide him from me?"

Sienna let out her breath in a resigned sigh. She shook her head.

Sienna: "I... I didn't know I was pregnant until I was with the White Fang. By then... I couldn't just tell you-"

James: "You should have! He's my son-!"

Sienna: "I WANTED TO! Don't you think I wanted to?! But what was I supposed to say? That I had the child of James Ironwood?! Do you think that I could have kept him safe if the rest of the White Fang knew the truth?!"

James: "I could have protected him-I SHOULD have protected him-I should have known-!"

Sienna: "And if you had, what then?! You couldn't leave your post any more than I could have! This scandal would destroy us both!"

They glared at one another angrily, breathing hard. James grit his teeth.

James: "... He's my son."

Sienna: "And he's also mine. And I did what I could to keep him safe. I am sorry, James... But what was I supposed to do?"

James: "Tell me! At least let me know!"

Sienna: "I couldn't risk it, James!"

James: "Is that the truth? Or did you just want to hide him to use him as a weapon against me? Against Atlas?"

Sienna: "If I'd wanted to, I would have done it already, James!"

James: "I don't know that!"

Sienna: "You do! You do..."

Sienna fought tears. She had tried so hard to stay calm and collected... But against James? She couldn't be.

Sienna: "He... He doesn't even know I'm his mother. I left him with people I could trust."

James: clenched fists "Sienna..."

Sienna: "... We could never be together, James. We know that... But I did what I could so that our son would be safe. What else... What else could I do? But to keep him out of our war?"

She sobbed. James was silent, still... Before he pulled her into a hug. She collapsed into his embrace, crying softly.

What else could either of them do?

 

[RustedSands]

*team RWBY come across Jaune pacing back and forth in the courtyard*

Yang: Yo VB. what's wrong?

Jaune: My cousin Pansy and her friend Stella are coming to visit....

Ruby: and what's wrong with that?

Jaune: If Pansy shows up here then NONE of the guys on campus are safe...

Weiss: Does she dislike men or....?

Jaune: The opposite actually.

Blake: Seems like a rude thing to say about a family member.

Jaune: But not an untruthful thing to say either....

Yang: And what's wrong with her friend?

Jaune: If Stellas with her then i'm pretty much going to be stuck as her slave the entire time

???: oh come on cuz! Is that anyway to talk about your favorite cousin?

Jaune: p-pansy! How...nice to see you

???: Jaune. I want cake.

Jaune: o-of c-course Stella

Ruby: It's nice to meet you pansy & stella

Pansy: oh please! My friends call me Panty.

Stella: Call me stocking.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Another night, another episode of Valewatch. And...

Blake: "... I cannot even... What is the plot of this-this abomination?!"

Yang: "What's so hard to follow? The members of Valewatch save a sea lion by taking it to Oceanworld to heal it, and get to participate in a Valewatch themed water show that Bianca came up with the moment they arrived, and also had to fight off some Bandits who wanted to sacrifice the sea lions to the Grimm to gain magical powers. It makes total sense!"

Blake: "... Please tell me you're joking."

Yang: grins

Blake: "I hate you so much."

Yang; "I know. It gives me strength."

Weiss: "Look at it this way, Blake: It's still better written than your fanfics."

Blake: "YOU TAKE THAT BACK! THEY ARE SUPERIOR TO THIS DRECK IN EVERY WAY!"

Ruby: *Reading one* "Well... It has a lot more kissing, and touching, and-"

Yang yanks her Scroll away.

Ruby: "Hey! I was reading that!"

Yang: "Deal with it."

Jaune: "I mean, it was just blatant self promotion. The Valewatch Water Show has been out for like, two years now."

Ren: "Wouldn't it have made more sense to promote it the same year it came out?"

Pyrrha: "It would, but negotiations for those kinds of tie ins can take a very long time to formalize. My Pumpkin Pete endorsement was supposed to happen on my second Tournament victory-It didn't go through until I was halfway through my fourth tournament."

Weiss: "Ah, that does make sense."

Jaune: "Yeah. I mean I was a fan of Pumpkin Pete's forever but you didn't show up on it until just before I left for Beacon."

Pyrrha: "You still really shouldn't eat it."

Nora: "Are you kidding?! It's practically made of sugar!" Om nom nom!

Ruby: "I know!"

Jaune: "Yeah okay, no more of that for either of you."

Yang: "Totally!"

Ruby: huffs "Allright, Mom and Dad!"

Yang and Jaune blush. Pyrrha frets. Weiss snorts.

Weiss: "Ha! Like that would ever happen. You and Arc reproducing!"

Yang: "Got a better chance of it happening than you and Neptune! How many girls has he been with before, after, and during your relationship?"

Weiss: "HEY!"

Jaune: "Easy Yang, geez. It's not Weiss' fault that she didn't see through him."

Blake: "Even though she really should have given all her suitors in Atlas."

Weiss: "J-Just shut up and let's get back to the stupid show! What's the next episode?"

Yang: "It involves a fart wizard!"

Weiss: "... You're kidding."

Jaune: "We're not."

Ruby: "Heheheheheheh! Sounds hilarious! A real... Ripping good time!"

Yang: "HA! That's my girl!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Jaune: "Dad... Why can't I be a paladin like you? Join an order?"

Nick: "Your mother wants you to be a doctor-"

Jaune: "I don't want to be! I want to be like you and Mom! Heroes! Hunters! Why can't I be that?!"

Nick: sighs "... You're very gentle, Jaune. Very kind."

Jaune: "So that makes me weak?!"

Nick: "No. No, kindness is what a knight should be."

Jaune: "But... Your order... Isn't it of Saint Edmund the Just?"

Nick: smiles "Yes. Edmund the Just. Edmund, the one who fought through three Grimm Ogres to break the White Witch's wand! Edmund, the strategist who aided his brother in the great campaigns!"

Jaune: *grins* "Yeah!"

Nick: "And he was also Edmund the Redeemed. He betrayed his siblings and Narnia to the White Witch. He fell for her lies, ate her food. Aslan died in his place. And he redeemed himself and Aslan forgave him. He didn't deserve it, but he received it. Just as none of us deserve Aslan's grace... But He gave it to us anyway."

Jaune: "Oh..."

Nick: "You are kind and warm and don't hold grudges. But... A warrior needs fire as well as kindness. And I don't know if you have that, son."

Jaune: scowls "How will I know if I have it if you don't even give me a chance to prove it?!"

Nick: "... That's true, son. Sometimes... You just have to go and take it. Prove yourself by disobeying the rules."

Jaune: "Dad?"

Nick: nods "Like Edmund... You'll have to take the initiative, and prove yourself. Show that you're more than what you've done. All paladins do, son."

Later... Jaune runs out with armor and a sword and shield, and his luggage. He's running for the gates... Sneaks out... And heads for the train station.

Nick watches him go. Tex stands next to him.

Tex: "You know, you could stop him."

Nick: "I could."

Tex: "So, why not? Your wife's gonna raise hell."

Nick: "I know."

Tex: "Sooo... Why aren't you stopping him?"

Nick: "Because he needs to find his strength."

Tex: "He might die."

Nick: nods "He might... But he will find his way. I have faith. After all... In the end, it's all anyone has."

Tex: deadpan "And you also killed every Grimm between here and the train station."

Nick: "Well, he's still my son and I'm going to do my best for him! I'm not a monster!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

For reasons unknown to all and sundry... Okay, Neo got her hands on some magic things Cinder took from Salem and wanted to try them out... A minor zombie apocalypse was now occurring around Beacon.

Ruby: "AHHHH! THE DEAD! THE DEAD ARE RISING!"

Port: "You know, I did say we needed to move that ancient cemetery. Why I remember the time the last-"

Oobleck: "Yes Peter, very informative! I believe we should deal with this posthaste!"

Yang: "SERIOUSLY?! ZOMBIES?!"

Blake: "Are you scared, Yang?"

Yang: "YES! VERY SCARED!"

Blake: "Fair. So am I."

Weiss: "I DID NOT SIGN UP TO FIGHT THE UNDEAD!"

JNPR arrives... With shotguns and in Jaune's pick up truck.

Jaune: "Hey guys!" shoots a zombie in the face "Need shotguns? I got a whole bunch!"

Ruby: "Wha-Jaune?!"

Yang: "Why aren't you freaking out?!"

Jaune: "Oh, this? Pfft. This is kind of normal in Radian. Little early for Summerween but what can you do?" Shoots another Zombie in the head casually "Ruby, you probably want to support from range since you're a sniper. Weiss, mind supporting Nora? I don't want her getting too carried away."

Nora: "BANZAIIIIII!"

Pyrrha: "I got the buzz saws ready, Jaune!"

Jaune: "Great! And Ren, targets of opportunity please!"

Ren: "Sure!"

Yang: "Wha-What am I supposed to do?!"

Jaune: "Would you like chainsaw gauntlets?"

Yang: "... Yes! Yes I would!"

Jaune: "Sweet! Gotcha some! I know Ruby can make better versions but they're all I could find."

Yang: "Sweet!"

Ruby: "Well, thanks Jaune!"

Blake: "... How are you this calm?"

Jaune: "Again, used to it."

Weiss: "You're used to zombie uprisings at your hometown?!"

Jaune: "Papa Merlin and his benders, phew." Another shotgun blast to another Zombie

Port: "Capital thinking, Mister Arc! You're getting an A plus!"

Jaune: "Awesome! What in?"

Port: "We'll think of something!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

RWBY and JNPR continue to enjoy their summer vacation in Radian... Mostly.

Blake: "So there is a local museum? Good. It's nice to know there's somewhere cultured here."

Jaune: "There's literally monuments, statues, a library, a small cathedral-"

Blake: "Actual culture! Not just the oppressive elites' attempts to define history! This museum is a voice for the oppressed and underrepresented!"

Jaune: "Oh Lord... You don't mean-?"

Smash cut to an old, weird shack in the woods in Radian.

Blake: "Merlin's Museum of the Unexplained!"

Weiss: "You held that in just for the dramatic reveal, didn't you?"

Blake: "Naturally!"

Ruby: "I wanted to do it!" pouts

Blake: "Next time! Now, let's see what underrepresented part of history this museum shows!"

An old man appears in a burst of smoke with a wizard's hat and an eyepatch.

Merlin: "Welcome to the Mystery Shack! Learn the untold truth of all existence-Oh, hey Jaune!"

Jaune: sighs "Hey Grunkel Merlin."

Merlin: "How nice of you to bring your wealthy sucker-friends! Friends here! Who wants to see the mysteries of Remnant? All contained within this shack?"

Blake: "DO I!"

Weiss: "Seriously?"

Within the shack...

Merlin: "BEHOLD! The eight legged horse Sleipner! I killed it in my guise as Masked Britain Bishōnen with Little Saber-Lily! Wasn't she precious?"

Jaune: "That's literally you and Nana when you played dress up."

Merlin: "We still killed Sleipner! Who was, uh... Oppressing Faunus!"

Weiss: "That's a regular stuffed horse with extra legs sewn on-"

Blake: "Tell me more!"

Weiss: sighs "Really?"

Pyrrha: low voice "Jaune? I think your great-uncle might be a conman."

Jaune: deadpan "Really? What was your first clue?"

Nora: "I don't know what you're talking about, this is so informative!"

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Yang: "So... Your grunkle is a total and complete fraud and just makes money off gullible tourists?"

Jaune: "Yes. He used to use real magic but that was just terrifying and weird."

Ruby: "Wait, real magic?"

Flashback... Sweet, innocent ten year old Jaune with a balloon is at the Shack. He pets little Fou, the cutest little creature ever.

Merlin: "Hey kid! Wanna see Fou achieve his true form?"

Jaune: "Okay!"

Little Fou... Grows into something monstrous. Jaune lets go of his balloon and cries in fear.

Jaune: "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Fou: "You stupid jerk, he's scared of me!"

Merlin: "No! No, all little boys love... Whatever you turn into!"

Fou: "You forgot again, huh?"

Merlin: "NO! I didn't forget anything! I'm Merlin!"

In the present.

Jaune: "So now he just scams tourists with lame versions of the real thing."

Weiss: "HA! Like I'd believe that!"

Yang: "Yeah, it's a little far fetched, VB."

Blake: "What?! This is a real unicorn?! This is just a horse with a horn attached! You're a fraud!'

Merlin: "I am not!"

Nana Arturia walks up, scowling angrily.

Arturia: "Merlin? What have I told you about scamming Jaune's friends?"

Merlin: "Nothing. He only had the two before. And they were poor."

Arturia: "..." Pulls out her sword

Merlin: "NOT THE FACE!"

Arturia visits some severe punishment to Merlin. The unicorn breathes a sigh of relief.

Unicorn: "Boy, that was a close one."

Blake: "... Did you just talk?"

Unicorn: "No! Oh, shoot!"

Nora: "I'm convinced!"

Jaune: sigh "Oh boy..."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Coco: "Hey Jauney Boy! I got your town's CCTube channel! And look what I found~!"

Jaune: "Oh Breaker, please no-!"

A short plays, entitled "Healthcare with Doctor Isabel". Isabel sits at a table with a sigh. She gestures to the many random objects, including an Atlasian Laser Rifle.

Isabel: "As a public service announcement, please: Do not stick any of these items in any of your orifices. No, I'm not going to tell you which ones went where. I'm just going to let your imagination do the work."

Coco: "God she's so hot. I can think of a few places I'd like her to stick-"

Jaune: "DAMNIT COCO STOP LUSTING AFTER MY MOM!"

Coco: "NEVER!"

Ruby: "Ooh, what's this one?"

Another video plays, entitled 'Shirou's Cooking Hour.' Shirou Arc smiles at the camera.

Shirou: "Hello all. Today we'll be making a Royale with Cheese, which is my wife's second favorite burger."

Yang: "... Oh wow he's hot. That's your grandpa?!"

Jaune: "GREAT Grandpa, and please stop lusting after him?!"

Yang: "Would you prefer I lust after you instead, Loverboy~?"

Jaune: gulp

Pyrrha: "No! Stop lusting after him!"

Yang: "What? You can't be the only one who does, Cereal Girl!"

Pyrrha: bright red "I-I-You-LOOK! ANOTHER VIDEO!"

Jaune: "Wait what-?"

This video is entitled "Mercer Sith Junior's Thoughts." A farmboy looking Cat Faunus is working on his car engine. He stands up and looks into the distance.

Mercer Sith: "If you hold a bullet in your mouth and set it off with Aura... Is that free speech or political violence? Makes you think."

Blake: "... Huh. I'm not sure if that's profound or stupid."

Jaune: "It's Mercer. It's definitely stupid."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Ruby: "What's this show? 'Toeing the Line with Tangy Arc'?"

Jaune: "Oh boy... This might be a bit much for you, Ruby-"

Ruby: "Too late, I'm hitting play!"

Tangy smiles and nods to the camera.

Tangy: "There are no laws for the safe treatment of Grimm. They are Grimm. Which means all sorts of things can be used against them that you can't legally use against humans or Faunus!"

Yang: "Oh boy."

Tangy: "Sadly, nerve gas doesn't work on them. Or other chemical weapons delivered in gaseous form."

Weiss: "She-She's not serious about that, right?"

Jaune: "She tried."

Tangy: "However, in this episode, we'll talk about one kind of weapon that is banned for use against humans and Faunus, but is great against Grimm: Microwave emitter weapons! They work great!"

Ruby: "Really?!"

Nora: "Ooh! That's great to find out!"

Tangy: "The water content in most Grimm is high enough you can use it against them. As my subordinate Weiss will demonstrate!"

Ruby: "No relation, eh Weiss? Eh? Ehhhh?"

Weiss: "Weiss is my first name. not my family name."

Tangy's subordinate, Weiss, stands in a field with several Grimm held in cages.
Tangy: "Really Weiss?"

Weiss: "Ready Colonel!"

Tangy: "Go for it!"

Weiss: Holds up the microwave emitter and fires it at Grimm... Who all begin to burn and melt from the inside out, screaming in agony

Tangy: "See? Very effective and no moral quandary whatsoever!"

Weiss Schnee: "That was disturbing."

Pyrrha: "Severely."

Ruby: Actually considering the effectiveness of the emitter. "Huh, it's surprisingly a lot cleaner than I thought it would be."

Jaune: "... Yeah. That's the best takeaway."

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Tangy: "Now officially, you are not supposed to kill or mistreat prisoners until they have been tried for their crimes. In Vale, Atlas, and others. However, in the middle of Mistral, the rules on the treatment of prisoners are rather lax when it comes to bandits. Like these bandits!"

Captive members of the Branwen Tribe appear on screen.

Weiss: "Oh no she's not going to..."

Tangy: "Let's see how Plasma Cutters work on their limbs!"

Random Bandit: Turns to Weiss. "Please, we'll tell you where Raven is, just keep her away from us!"

Weiss: "Sorry, she's my commanding officer."

The sound of a plasma cutter turning on is heard nearby as the camera pans away to I=Visha who goes over the specific laws which allow them to do this.

Visha: "And under the Haven Treaty of 1955, bandits are covered under Hostis humani generis, meaning enemies of all mankind! Also faunus but that was added in later!" She eats some cookies. " Mmm...! Chocolate chip!"

Blake: "Should we really sit around watching war crimes being committed in dubious territory under dubious circumstances?"

Jaune: "They're technically not war crimes since it's not an actual war. Also they were already committed. This was recorded."

Ruby: "Yeah, they're all dead."

Ren: "Good riddance."

Nora: "Yeah! Fuck bandits in their stupid bandit faces!"

Pyrrha: "H-How about we change the channel?"

Jaune: Switches the channel to the next show which is "Tea Time with Queen Artoria Pendragon."

Weiss: "Oh thank the Breaker! Something normal and wholesome!"

Blake: "You do realize the Saber Queen has a body count in the tens of thousands, right?"

Weiss: "Yes but she's moved past that! She's a sweet old lady now!"

Artoria: "Greeting viewers. My great-grandchildren are helping me with showing tea time! Proper Albion tea time is a ritual that calms the nerves, lets you center yourself and helps establish calm in the chaos of life."

Weiss: "Oh yes! YES! Wonderful!"

Blake: "Hmph. Menagerian tea ceremonies are better."

Ren: "You took them from Mistral."

Blake: "W-We had the idea first and they stole it!"

Yang: "Careful Blake, don't wanna boil over, do you?"

Blake: "Ugh..."

Artoria finishes up the tea and smiles at the camera.

Artoria: "Now we let it seep. Until it's done, I will show off my family photo album." Brings out a photo album. "Here's a picture of my Great-Grandson Jaune at a cultural festival in Mistral with a young girl who he thought was really pretty."

Jaune/Ren: "YOU WERE A GUY?!"

All of the girls develop blushes and nosebleeds.

 

[AndrewJTalon]

Merlin: "Come to Merlin's Mystery Museum! Filled with the strange, the bizarre, the unholy! There's snacks, there's videos for the kids, there's photo ops! And me, Merlin the Mystery Wizard of Mystery!"

Jaune: "Grunkle Merlin, do I have to wear this outfit?"

Merlin: "AND THE AMAZING TALKING GOLDEN RETRIEVER BOY! He's not a Faunus! So him talking is a miracle!"

Jaune: "We're gonna get sued again."

Merlin: "And his adorable twin sister!"

Orchid: "Bow wow. Bow. Bow wow."

Merlin: "They're so cute together!" Jaune scowls. Merlin elbows him.

Jaune: sighs "Bow wow. Wow. Bow wow."

Merlin: "Throw money at them and they dance!"

Jaune: "Wait what-?!"

Jaune: "Um, Blake, I know how it looks but I wasn't culturally appropriating anything!"

Blake: "..."

Jaune: "Um, Blake?"

Blake: blush 'He's so cute in dog ears...'

Ruby, Weiss, Yang, Pyrrha, even Coco: 'So cute...'

(Again, feel free to write your own takes!)

 

[CountvonBarnOwl]

A Whiter Rose snippet based on the musings of days recently passed:

Reactions

"My apologies for my late arrival." James Ironwood said as he exited the elevator that led into Ozpin's office. "The Grimm attacks have only been growing in number and ferocity since the fleet arrived."

Grimm had been sieging Vale's walls nonstop for the past few days. And with the arrival of Ironwood's fleet - a showy measure of insurance for the Vytal Festival, most certainly not a lot of warm bodies to cover up a covert war with an enemy older than history or a sledgehammer to be wielded against her proxies, nothing like that - and it had run the commanding general of the Atlesian Army ragged.

Ozpin took another sip of his drink, his eyes narrowed imperceptibly. "They have, James. Now, you have been in my confidence for longer than most, in living memory at least, so I say this as a friend. Is it not possible that the two phenomena are correlated?"

Ironwood snorted, "we've been over this half a hundred times, my forces aren't going to start a panic. People won't worry about all of the armed men and machine circling the city. I imagine quite the contrary. Who wouldn't prefer having twelve brigades between them and the Grimm?"

"I don't mean that this time, James. I mean something a bit more tangible than mere apprehension. Come here." James obliged, making his way through the clockwork ensconced in emerald-glass. "Pull up one of those other chairs too. You're going to need it." Ozpin appended. James rounded on his heel and lifted the metalwork with the ease that only machine limbs and Aura combined could provide, before depositing it next to Ozpin's own chair.

"Now watch this." Ozpin said, pulling a CCTnet video up on his desktop.

"Oz, are you sure that you have the right video?" James asked.

"Positive, why?" Ozpin replied.

"It's an SDC ad." James explained.

"Quite. Their new head of marketing has something of a personality to him." Ozpin replied.

Jacques' new PR man had a personality all right. The old one had been fired once the magnate twigged to the fact that all of those attempts to boost his image by associating his face with the SDC's premium lines were taken as narcissism and egomania by the broader public. It was definitely a point in his favor that the new guy did not start off with green-screen glamour shots of the CEO.

However it was ten points against him that he started off with fifteen seconds of a cacophony increasingly deep-fried looping reaction gifs. Only for the whole screen to be tossed aside with comical exaggeration by a pair of wiry arms, attached to a white-haired boy in an immaculate suit, who now dominated the screen.

------

"Hi, I'm Whitley Schnee, head of marketing and accounting at the Schnee Dust Company. Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Aren't you a little young to be juggling two departments at the world's biggest Dust conglomerate?' Yes, Yes I am. And it's infuriating." He hunched in and curled his fingers as the lighting shifted around him such that he looked like he was now telling a story at a campfire. "And you know what else is infuriating?!?! This FUCKING INVENTORY! I'm so mad that we haven't cleared this stock, I'm going to have an aneurysm. Drrurururururrrrr-"

------

Outside of the video, Ironwood had to ask, "Was the zoom-in x-ray fart sound effect really necessary?" Ozpin's only response was to take another gulp of his drink.

------

"In fact, I'm so angry, I'm going to make this cute, big titty goth girl watch cursed gun images." The camera panned over to none other than Ruby Rose, waving with both hands, and with her legs conspicuously chained up.

"What he did to get Miss Rose to go along with this I'll never know." Ozpin muttered, believing contrarywise that the answer had involved several dozen pounds of cookies.

Whitley plopped down next to Ruby, who - not at all playing the damsel in distress well - slid closer to him on the couch until they were butt-to-butt. Then her hands came onto his shoulders. "And remember, this is a blind reaction. I have no idea what horrors this fiend has in store for me."

"She calls him a fiend but I see what she's doing with his arm while he's trying to move the mouse." Ironwood muttered.


Whitley clicked on a link and it brought up the first cursed gun of the night

Spoiler: Cursed Gun #1

"Starting off slow, eh." Ruby muttered. "It's not that cursed. The gold plated lever action makes him look like a forest warlord from the backwoods of Anima. And speaking of Anima, you wanna bet that the whole continent would flood if he drops that buttstock in Lake Matsu?"

"More spirit than I expected. Hmm, very well. I retaliate with cursed gun level 2." Whitley retorted, before clicking on the next link.

Spoiler: Cursed Gun #2

"Probably some bandit's beat-to-shit-old claw revolv- oOh, why is the hammer so big? Can that even engage the firing pin? First off, ditch that brass knuckle handle that you have no way of using, and then file down that hammer, then smelt the shavings with the knucks to forge yourself a proper grip so you can abosorb the recoil when SOMETHING COMES OUT OF THE MUZZLE BECUASE YOU PULLED THE FUCKING TRIGGER."

"Hmm," Whitley observed, "still more mad than broken. I will have to resort to the superiority of Atlesian science and craftsmanship to break you."

Spoiler: Sekai Ichi Cursed Gun #3

------

Ironwood felt the initial wave of embarrassment when none other than his own Due Process came up on the screen.

------

"You know," the boy started up, with an impish grin that Ironwood could somehow feel mocking him through the screen. I heard that gun started off as a Mare Constrictor."

"Very interesting: Ruby replied, her voice dissonant and still, like the waters of a lake known to house treacherous Grimm. "Then maybe you could explain to me why it looks like a FUCKING Pw-12 with a fucking Floch slide on the top!" Whitley errupted from the confines that were the arms of the girl sitting next to him. "Mwahahaha, you have no idea about the heights of bubba-ry to which Atlas has ascended."

"Bubba is the word for it. It looks like he heard about a dual-trigger safety in passing and tried to build one from scratch with no frame of reference." Ruby continued.

------

James unholstered his gun and examined it.

------

"And the fucking hammer again. I assume there's a downward-canted firing pin housed in the frame because it fires from the bottom chamber but it doesn't! I mean it may as well fire from the bottom chamber with the height-over-bore from that fucking semi-auto slide. I can't even tell if that slide is just a part of the frame or not. I mean, what's the point. How would that even work? Some of the gasses generated by the powder going off going up a concealed gas port near the muzzle and pushing back on the slide? Is that how this gun cycles? Tell me that's not how this gun cycles Whitley!"

"Well, it's funny you should mention that..." Whitley replied. "Seeing that the hammer is too high up on the gun to do much other good..."

Ruby blinked once. She blinked twice. "Don't tell me. The gas impulse is what pushes the hammer back." Whitley nodded solemnly, "and then it returns home, allowing the cylinder to rotate. And it was built to cycle that way. Look just below the rear sight."

"Are those... slide... serrations?" Ruby's eyeliner was running down her cheeks. "He built it that way... on purpose. This thing just keeps getting worse and worse every time I look at it"

"I actually feel a little bad now. Tell you what. One more for the sake of the video and then we'll be done." Whitley said. Ruby's arms wrapped around him in less than an instant and pulled him into a crushing hug. After muttering something that the recording equipment did not quite pick up, but sounded suspiciously like "goth girl tidd," Whitley clicked on the next image.

------

And James Ironwood was amazed that the shrill scream of alloyed terror, hatred, fear, and disgust that came out of the girl's mouth didn't shatter every pane of glass in the tower. "How is all of the glass in this tower still intact?"

"Magic." Ozpin replied before enigmatically sipping his drink again. "Literally," he followed up in a less enigmatic fashion, "I had to repair everything in the tower and then reinforce it after I played the video for the first time. Also, you may want to invest in a glassblowing, or repair, or construction firm in the near future." James penciled that little detail away for later.

------

Spoiler: Cursed Gun #4: The Abomination

"Every time I see it, I feel the urge to gouge out my eyes with a melon-baller." Whitley muttered shaking his head. "I remember these fucking things. My father bought them to be standard issue among SDC security forces."

Ruby had not taken the sight nearly as well. "Why? Why? Why? Whyhyhy? Why does the bolt carrier need to be so biiiig?"

------

"Miss Rose is exceedingly passionate about firearms." Ozpin explained.

------

"And the selector switch. Why does it need to be so far forward. It's supposed to be near the thumb." Ruby sucked in some more air. But you'd need an index finger the size of a Beringal's to reach that teeny-tiny little nub that reminds me of whoever designed it."

"Are we not going to address that thing's barrel length?" Whitley asked.

"No! Having a five fucking inch barrel makes sense when you're firing pistol rounds. What doesn't make sense is the muzzle break big enough to double the barrel length to compensate for the recoil when you empty that single-stack-thin magazine in one burst. Where does anyone even find this crap?"

"I believe that father accepted an offer from an esteemed personage reputed throughout the community in the dignified circles of Atlas." Whitley replied.

------

"Fancy way of saying 'he'd sue me if I said his name.'" Ironwood muttered.

------

"Ah yes, how could I have forgotten," Ruby muttered. "Everybody has heard of Bubba, scion of the eight hundred year old House of von Bubbastein."

"And that rail. It looks like it was converted from a KA-74's gas tube that got put on backwards before they stuck a cheap-o red dot on it." Ruby dipped back into her hands to sob quietly for a few seconds. "And what's with the giant Putterware trunnion and the bulky stock that was probably made by the guy from image one. Truly, you must need a lot of mass to handle all of the recoil from the your blowback-operated carbine. Can, can that gun even cycle. Does that what? 9x18 Markhov? produce enough recoil to push back that bolt carrier the size of a house? Markhov's a good round. In a compact or a subcompact against human or faunus enemies without Aura, at close range. Because that's what it was made for. Why is it in a twelve pound carbine?

"ItsnotaMarkhov." Whitley mumbled.

"What."

"Thatgun'snotchamberedinMarkhov." Whitley mumbled again.

"Well, it looks too small to be chambered in 9 mil Lunge, what else could it possibly be chambered in?"

"Nine-seventeen short." Whitley confessed, giving Ruby pause.

"Whitley. Commit patricide immediately. Everything the White Fang says about your father is correct. Kill him and spend all of the money that would have gone to his funeral on giving your company something chambered in a real caliber. Just leave his body in a dump, it's where he belongs. Him and all of his shit guns."

------

The image froze and went grey in the instant after. Another Whitley walked onto the screen, superimposed in a manner similar to how the video had began. "Only you can prevent cute goths from being exposed to cursed guns. So come to the SDC tent at the 40th Vytal Festival. Participate in our blowout sale. Get up to fifty percent off on our premium stocks. Emerald-grade Plant Dust? 3,000 Lien a crystal. Sapphire-grade Water Dust? 4,000 Lien for a twelve ounce vial. And we have Ruby-grade Fire Dust, down to just 3,200 Lien a crystal, or just 2,500 Lien for a ten ounce vial for all those DIYers who want to mix their own Combustion Dust. Orders exceeding 25,000 Lien will also receive a-"

Another Ruby sprang onto the screen happier, more scantily clad, and holding some sort of machinist's kit. "This amazing combined Dust centrifuge, capable of making even triple-base Dust mixtures at home, and a reloader's tool and die kit, guaranteed to pay for itself within two hundred rounds, absolutely free."

------

James stared at the screen. "I legitimately forgot this was a commercial for a clearance sale."

"It's the SDC's most viewed and most liked video on the CCTnet." Ozpin replied. "And Miss Rose has single handedly done away with all of the negative stereotypes about Atlas. By replacing them all with the notion that your institutes are all run by bubbas. Incidentally, that is why people are upset about being protected by the Atlesian army. In the minds of almost everybody, you can have an unloaded gun and still present a terminal danger to yourself and others. And not even the gun itself will be safe."

Fin

Count's note - Not the happiest that I've been with a snippet. Didn't shit on the Abomination as comprehensively as I wish that I had (there are still design problems that Count hasn't touched). Characters feel too inanimate, just as a vehicle to bang out as many jokes on the cursed guns of RWBY and less like characters in a story. I know that is inevitable to a degree in a one-night writing barrage, sub 2.5k words.

Pleasantly surprised to find that very few cursed guns exist in the world of Remnant (which does make sense, they should (mostly) have guns figured out on a death world. All images are official except for this fanart of Due Process I found on Reddit (by mojojoj) - which like most fanarts adds slide serrations that I don't think were actually on the gun on the show and I thought the bit was too funny to pass up.

I hope you enjoyed and that I managed to stay within the SFW for the thread.