Tandem the Spoony's Next Adventure [F/SN x CM(D&D)]

Right. Glitterdust on Herakles, Obscuring Mist to stop Ilya from seeing what we do next, Grease on the ground around Herakles (or on his shoes), and then run for it. Possibly make ourselves and Shirou invisible when we get far enough away. It was said that Berseker's weakness was his ego, right? Maybe we could say something like "You have NO idea what I'm capable of" to get him to let us attack him so he can brush it off and laugh at us.

 

I support any vote which contemplate running away like we have all the hounds of Hell right on our heels.

Because there's no way I am taking Heracles with those odds. Retreat, find a safe house, resolve the problem of mana drain (mana exchange ritual. With a female. Shouldn't be too difficult). Then...nothing, just survive for now.

 

We really can't win now without loosing too much. So we'll go with the natural reaction: SCOOBY DOO DON'T FAIL ME NOW!

 

You know, what we need is to defuse Heracles.

So, strictly speaking, if we were to lay on the charm, just how believable would "We've married your sister, it's all good now, man! You wouldn't widow her, would you?" be?

And what if we used it as a Boast, setting our Marital Status to [Athena's Husband] ?
(Which would, presumably, become one of our titles for the duration of the boast, and so also perceptible to Heracles.)

Possibly, claiming to be engaged, rather than already married, might be more prudent ("You wouldn't ruin her wedding day!").

Or, alternatively, taunt Illya, ditch Shirou and run, trusting our transcendent application of annoyance to keep them too busy hating us to even contemplate hurting him.

 

Didn't we have some item that had a 'wish' effect?

 

Yes, and the way Tandem goes on about them it's pretty clear that using them is likely to result in the Wish backfiring in some manner. It's a, "Use when things can't possibly get any worse," scenario.

We're not there YET. But we're getting pretty close.

 

Like, Gilgamesh suddenly appearing behind us and demanding an explanation about why Kotomine is acting weird? And what os this about us being Saber instead of his Saber. Because he is bound to find out sooner or later.

 

Okay. I have an idea.
Fog in the area, Glitterdust in Hurks eyes, grease on his shoes
Very Very loud Ghost Sounds right in Hurks Ears. We want him blind and deaf, then grab Master, Expeditious Retreat the hell out of there.
Can we do any of that?

 

Pretty much exactly that, doubly so if he catches us holding Excalibur, triply so if he decides we're responsible for his Saber being chumped twenty seconds into the War.

 

And we're not wearing any pants. Because in a giant clusterfuck situation, some small problem needs to exist to be focused on instead of the larger ones. also comedy.

 

Could be worse. We could be wearing Arturia's armored skirt.

 

Wearing Arturia's armored skirt and under it no pants, so he thinks we did the dirty with her. So not only Heracles, but Gilgamesh too will want to tip us a new one.

Yeeaah, let's run to the Ryuudouji Temple ASAP. Then somehow use Caster and Assassin as scapegoats.

 

It's too late. The priest and Lancer knows.

Only solution is KILL 'EM ALL.

 

You can't run. You can't dodge. You can't even speak; the son of Zeus has already reached you and is delivering the first and final deathblow to end you. Strength, agility, endurance, intelligence, cunning; none of it matters, you simply can't match the raw might of Hercules. Or was it Herakles? Fuck it, it doesn't matter; you're dead anyways.

The blow comes...

...And on it's own, by sheer instinct and skill, you sword arm moves. You're blown away; the force from the attack like a typhoon, managing to land and anchor yourself several dozen feet away from the mad demigod. You...you can barely comprehend it; you're alive. But, but how-

Greatest Swordsman in the World. Holy shit; that....that was pure skill at work, bestowed by your Noble Phantasm and usual boasting and bluffing. You are weaker than him. You are slower than him. You sure as hell can't tank a blow as well as he can. But with this...with this you were more skilled than him, and that made a difference.

To block that blow would've been suicide, and dodging was impossible. Like a rock against a hammer, you would be crushed to dust; no amount of skill would allow you to block or dodge that kind of strike.

So, you didn't. Instead of being the rock against the hammer, you were the leaf against the wind; you went with the blow. With perfect skill that transcended comprehension, you used the force of the attack to fling yourself away from him. It was something beyond even those who have dedicated their lives to the blade; a single centimeter off, and you would've died.

But you didn't. You were alive; and you can keep this up. Again Berserker comes at you and swings, and again you go with the tide. But this time the enraged giant knew what you did, and quickly followed up with another blow. So again you go with the force of that blow.

And again. And again. Over and over this repeats; for the mortals watching the spectacle, they saw Herakles swinging his blade rapidly, yet not a single blow landed. The bard was flying all around him, each blow from his foe serving only to further keep him in motion; away from death. All the while, you were planing on how to escape.

You couldn't land a blow on him; to do that would leave you too open to an attack, and that would kill you. You also couldn't escape, because you needed the force of Berserker's blows to keep you from being hit; the second you weren't being struck was the moment you died. However, you had a plan.

You know that you can overpower a spell to perform far beyond it's normal capabilities, it's a skill some wizards know. However, you yourself have never done it in your lifetime. It was something you never bothered trying nor had the prowess to accomplish.

But you weren't exactly human now, weren't you? Look at the priest, how easily you changed his worldview with simple words and minimal effort; you had transcended beyond human limits. So, it was worth a shot, right?

You quickly set up a Darkness spell and a Giltterdust spell; and try to dump as much power as you can into both, consequences be damned. The moment Berserker swung for his second strike, you let loose the combined spells. You hope to God this works...

The spell... explodes, for lack of a better term; in a mix of pitch black darkness and glitter, like a inverted ray of divine light. It hits Berserker right in the face and he starts to clutch at his eyes, stopping the swing of his stone blade. Finally, an opening to escape. You cast Obscuring Mist several times, enchant you eyes you can see through invisibility, and find where Shirou is.

You find him; he's right where he was before this whole mess started, thank God.You cast several Grease spells on Herk before teleporting over to the boy. He jumps back in shock, but before he can say anything you grab him and teleport right back to where you were summoned.

In a flash, the both of you crash into the floor of the shed; apparently being scared out of your wits can affect this sorta thing, who knew? Groaning, you get up, and notice a gem of some sort. You pocket the thing for later; Shriou doesn't seem the type for jewelry and it could be something belonging to another Master.

Shirou also gets up and asks, "Are...are you alright, Tandem?"

Do you look alright?! Well, you can't exactly blame the kid, he looks as shocked and scared out of his wits as you are; "Yeah...yeah I'm fine, I've been through worse. Still, looks like we just found the most dangerous motherfucker on our asses, eh kid?"

You hear him scoff, "Heh; yeah, that's going to be near-impossible to handle. Seriously though; you had sex with Athena?"

"Oh come on! She came onto me! It's not my fault, and I already got my ass beat by Zeus and thrown off of Olympus; not to mention losing my status as a Demigod."

"Riiiiiiight; of course she did," wow, kid didn't seem like the snarky type; wonder what brought this on, "Anyways, it's late and I doubt we can get much else done. I'm going to sleep and we can discuss what to do from here tomorrow, agreed?"

"Kid, you just took the words right outta my mouth; I'll keep watch for anything suspicious, in case someone gets any bright ideas. Perk of being a Spirit-thing, no need for sleep. Get some rest, we'll know what to do in the morning."

Shirou thanks you, and decides to finally get some goddamn sleep after the hell he's been through. Since you don't need sleep; you decide to patrol the house and keep watch. Thankfully, it looks like nothing else exciting or of note was going to happen; as morning finally comes and your partner begins to wake up.

Now then, what's the game plan?
[X] What will you discuss with Shriou?

Yes, you do bring out the snark within Shirou; why do you ask?

 

Oh thank god.
Now we can move on.

 

FOR NOW...

 

Did Rin take Saber? Dear lord.

 

...Um; Saber took a Gae Bolg to the heart, you don't walk that sort of thing off. Especially since you can't heal the wounds from the reverse causality heart-stab.

 

That was more Avalon, Rin mentions he was already healing from the wound when she reached him. When Saber gets wounded she doesn't fully heal until Lancer kicks the bucket.

Point is; Saber is dead. Deader than Dead. Cadaveriffic.

 

I am enjoying Tandem picking up all these epic items. Powerful swords, and plot related gems.

None of which he has any actual use for of course, but they are shiny. Into the extra dimensional holding space they go. Where they are promptly forgotten about, never to be seen again.

 

Good I hope she stays dead.

I have to ask Who is Spoony?

 

... huh. Well first things first. Cast Detect Magic and get some information on the two items we picked up sometime during the night so we can tell shirou about what it is we grabbed. It might just be useful~!

 

Ender gave us a freebie? Thank God.

And being more skilled than Kojiro has indeed saved our fucking ass. Apparently Kojiro level skill in our EX-statted hands is enough to hold back even Herk's multile orders of magnitude greater stats, plus legendary skill.

[X] Discuss the lack of prana you're getting and how to remedy this.
[X] Also, Command Seals. If Shirou has yours. But focus less on making a Servant do things against their will and more on how they can aid you. In fact, just convince Shirou that ordering you to act against your will is impossible to nip this in the bud.

 

I was bringing up your skill a lot for a reason; as I said, you couldn't block or dodge or you'd die. So, the answer is; don't. Go with the flow. Be water, my friend. Be the leaf in the wind, and soar.

 

http://spoonyexperiment.com/

Specifically watch Counter Monkey; episodes Tandem's Last Ride and D20 Live.

 

[x] Our Anchor in reality whose life prevent us from being sent back to boredom central is apparently a massive wanna-be-Hero. That's not a bad, mind. YOU were one yourself way, wayyyy back in the day when you were but a mere lvl1 Bard too and now look at you ! You're now definitely the genuine article ! Got the Throne of Heroes membership card and everything. But really, you know what ? Let's take the kid as our Apprentice !

 

Yeah, but I didn't really think even Kojiro's skill would be enough to overcome THAT. Kojiro pushed back Herk in canon in a killing ground that favored him and normal Servant stats. No killing field here, Herk is a goddamn monster, but at least we don't have a gate to defend. But still. Nine Lives? A blade that, while not as fragile as Kojiro's, still isn't even an NP?

I thought for sure Herk's stupid strength would paste us from air pressure or something ridiculous like that.

 

It almost did; you managed to perfectly...well, not counter, but sorta go around the blow to both take the least amount of damage from it as well as get some distance or dodge the rest of the blow.

Also, he never used Nine Lives on you; he didn't the chance to.

 

Well, let's never give it to him.